I think every once in a while, you reach a point in your life where everything is crazy.
Everything is changing, for better or for worse. You're happy one minute then bawling the next, you're confident in yourself than in the same moment you're insecure, and nothing, absolutely nothing, seems stable anymore.
Change, confusion, frustration, worry, and shock are the only words that can seemingly vaguely describe how you're feeling and what you're going through.
I can recall a couple times when I felt that way, when nothing seemed to be going right. Just sad news... after sad news... after sad news, and you just feel, well, sad. :(
Don't you wish you're life had like, a gauge or something? "Only one sad event at a time."
When something bad happened in your life that made you sad, everything else would still be perfect and give you enough emotional strength to deal with that one thing until it was better.
Unfortunately, as you and I both know, life doesn't work that way.
When someone in your family gets in a car accident and ends up in the hospital, that doesn't mean everyone else in your family is "car-accident proof" until that person gets better. Your best friend could die in a car accident the very next day. And your favorite aunt could have a miscarriage the day after that. And your grandpa can die the day after that. And your cousin could get diagnosed with cancer the following week... the same day that your sister-in-law's brother died in another car accident. Then on top of that, you slip and break both your legs and have to be in the hospital in serious pain for a few days while your whole world seems to be crashing down around you...
Ok, I got sad just reading back over that list. I would never consider myself a pessimist, but for the sake of the point I'm trying to make.... can you see? Do you understand what I'm talking about?
Life is Fragile.
God wasn't lying when He said our lives are only a mist, here one day, gone the next.
That's a hard reality to grasp. So many times we take for granted the people around us, (people who we genuinely DO love a lot even tho we might not say it all the time...) and I'm slowly realizing that, life is fragile. Don't take the people around you for granted!! They could be here today, but they aren't promised tomorrow. And neither are you.
Sorry to run off on a little tangent. That's just whats been on my heart lately I guess. Anyways.
Right now I feel like life is crazy.
Some great things, some extremely sad things.
It's hard for me to get a good, solid grasp of my emotions right now, because they are running rampant and extreme. I've cried more in the past couple weeks than I have in a while... and that's crazy to me.
A friend dies, leaving behind 4 beautiful daughters, ages 14-4. (Ugh it kills me.) :(
Family problems that keep me on my knees, trusting God.
A best friends' family problems, that completely shocked me and broke my heart when I heard about them.
Missing a best friend/sister who has been gone for 5 months and not coming back for another month.
A friend at work's sister has a stroke.
An old boss that came to church with me for the first time in 4 years and is interested in coming back!
A best friend from high school gets married a couple weekends ago... tears of joy right there.
A possible job-change that might need to take place here pretty soon, and the pain that comes with looking for a new job.
Trying to be there for another best friend who's husband (who also is your friend) cheated on her after 4 months of marriage, leaving her pregnant with a precious baby that's due in October.
JUST finding out (literally 2 seconds ago via text) that my friend is having a GIRL!! :)
Finding out in the next week what my plans in September will be. Tons of friends just got back from leading over 1000 people in Africa to Christ!
Missing somebody a lot... even tho I just them a little over a month ago.
Seeing that person this weekend for the first time after 3 long weeks.
And Friday, I have a funeral in the morning and a wedding that afternoon... get this... at the exact same church.
Ahh. Sometimes I just don't know. Sometimes I just want so many things that I can't have and wish for so many things to happen that I know are not in my control.
I've never been the type of person to hide my emotions... in fact I probably wear my emotions on my sleeves more than I should. (Minus when I'm at work... I do a kick-butt job at hiding how I'm really doing at work if I do say so myself.)
And right now the emotions that I'm wearing could coincide quite easily with the ones I described before.
Really sad. Really hurting for some very dear people in my life. Slightly confused. Really excited for my best friend to come home from Europe. Really nervous about finding out about YWAM. Really loving summer and wanting to be outside all the time. Really getting tired of working... and trying to balance that with family and being there for my brother and sister and being there for my friends.
It's just been crazy! Crazy to say the least. I feel like I'm whining right now lol... and maybe in a sense I am. I guess "venting" would be a better word.
Life is crazy right now. So many things happening and I wish with all my heart that I could just FREEZE everything around me... and give my head and heart a chance to catch up. Just, clear my head and pray.
It's so easy in a season of life like this to get so caught up with everything thats going on around you, and feel like you're going 100 mph in no particular direction.
I don't know why bad things happen. I don't know why there can't be a "car-accident proof" gauge or at least something like it.
But here's what I DO know:
God is stable.
God is faithful.
God is comfort.
God is hope.
God is strength.
I know that no amount of chaos or confusion will stop Him from being completely sovereign still in my life.
I know that He knew that we'd face trials and problems of many kinds.
I know that Jesus Christ sits on the throne, ruling and reigning forever, giving us the ability to overcome our obstacles.
I know that even in the midst of pain and sorrow, there is hope. And hope does not disappoint.
I know that the Colonel for the first time in 6 months is completely healed and pain free. :)
I know that if Jesus wants me to go to YWAM... I'm gonna go.
I know that I don't need a "car-accident proof" gauge to bring me comfort when His arms are open wide for me 100% of the time.
I know that in times like these, it can be so tempting to get caught up in the emotion and just run on empty and be sad all the time.
I know that in order to prevent that, I have to surrender the fight everyday to Him and let Him switch burdens with me.
I know I can trust Him.
Whoa: Epiphany.
Go ahead and read over my last few blogs if you can.
...
Do you see a trend?
God has continually PROVEN Himself to be faithful in my life. Whether it be with relationships or family or those times when I'm just in a "whirwind of emotions." :)
He's faithful.
He's my rock.
I can cling to Him and He hasn't (and never will!) let me down!
Yes, crazy times come.
Yes, I've experienced deep confusion, pain, and sadness over these past couple weeks. And to be honest, the mourning isn't over after I write this blog, with still 2 days left until the funeral.
But what can keep me going? The hope that I have in Him. The hope that He brings. The hope that says He will turn my mourning to joy and my sorrow to dancing!
This has been really good for me. Just getting a chance to settle down my heart and refocus on reality... that is, He'll never leave me to do life by myself.
I can trust Him.
Yes I will be sad and have hard times. Yes I will feel like everything is changing in the blink of an eye and that everything I've ever known is unstable.
Yes, yes, yes.
But, it's like the thing that's covering all of those "yes's" is a still, small voice saying "Hey, I've got you Jo. I will never leave you alone. I will bind up your broken heart. I've caught your tears in my bottle. Come to me Jo, you're so weary, but I will give you rest."
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Listening: "Pure" - Kari Jobe (AMAZING SONG!) ::::: "Look to You" - Hillsong United
Reading: "Pursuit of Man" - AW Tozer::::: still in Romans :)
