What an amazing month.
The emotional roller coaster that these past few months have been have resulted in EXTREME happiness, such gratefulness and a solid understand of where I am and where I am not.
Elaboration:
I am unbelievably blown away by how much favor has fallen on my husband. It may not seem like a big deal to some people, and it probably definitely isn’t a big deal to most, but when you’ve had the “behind the scenes” view for the past year in regards to Pilot Training, these accomplishments are incredibly monumental for you.
I’ve been there for the “crap I’m not gonna make it” moments and the “I hooked (aka failed) my ride today” moments and the “I’m definitely not number 1 in the class” moments and the “My weekend will only consist of studying for 30 hours” moments and the “If I study for one more minute I’m going to explode” moments.
As a spouse, who prior to this training had never even been in a real plane’s cockpit before much less FLOWN the darn thing, my role as an encourager is a little less tangible than your typical wife.
Phrases like “It’s gonna be OK” or “You will do better next time” hold little value when your husband knows you really most likely have no idea what he even did wrong to FAIL the ride in the first place… how do I REALLY know he’s gonna do better next time? How do I REALLY know it’s gonna be OK?
It’s a weird, weird thing. To encourage a man to believe in himself when, I’ll be honest, sometimes I had my own doubts that he would do well... WHOOPS, wives can’t say that, I earn the bad wife award I guess… but I’m just being honest. This training is stupidly difficult, & sometimes I tend to believe the realistic view over the optimistic view… my bad. BUT imagine having your stress level on HIGH for a solid YEAR. Come on – any realist could see it, and sometimes I had my doubts.
But here’s the thing. In the past few months I have cried, freaked out, been so nervous to the point of feeling sick, had consuming thoughts, and, in summary, really NOT TRUSTED JESUS with WHATEVER outcome He had for us.
This phase gave me a solid understanding of where I am and where I am not: I AM in a place of needing TOTAL control instead of resting in TOTAL faith and I am NOT in a place where I think God’s plan is a trustworthy one, or better than mine, essentially.
Painful.
Up until our Drop Night on February 24th, my emotions could be accurately described as SCARED TO DEATH of what was to come, TRYING to convince myself that He already knew & it was going to be OK, and FOCUSING on anything else except the CONSUMING FEARS that Drop Night brought to me.
Maybe some people read this and thing I’m being a HUGE Drama Mama, and I probably was, but regardless this event felt like a HUGE weight on my shoulders and a constant reminder of where I was and was not in regards to my faith.
Well obviously, things worked out well & we got what we wanted. God already knew we would be leaving Del Rio & let us know in SUCH a fun way on Friday, February 24th. Needless to say, I was ecstatic. EXTREMELY happy if you will. J It was such a special night that left me feeling like a stupid little kid… I felt God was smiling at me, shaking His head saying “SEE? Why did you lose all that sleep? Why did you try to man-handle everything to work out? Why didn’t you trust me?”
I’m not so dumb to think that if we were forced to stay in Del Rio that God wouldn’t be in control of that as well… His response would be something like, “I know it’s not what you want but believe me, when you look back, you’re gonna see my hand in ALL of it. I know what’s best, and now you can stay in Del Rio & trust that I have you here for a reason.” And there would’ve been SO MUCH BEAUTY in that assignment as well.
HE. HAS. CONTROL.
HE. HAS. A. PLAN.
HE. KNOWS.
Whether staying or going… He knows. He does. He is. And as my heart was exploding with gratefulness to Him that night for “giving us the desires of our hearts” to get stationed in New Jersey & for Bill to fly his Dream Plane… as my heart was exploding with gratefulness, it was also filled with a sense of realization of where I am RIGHT NOW & where I don’t want to be anymore.
Ever since I’ve moved from Colorado to Texas, I’ve felt SO different in regards to my Faith.
I’ve missed SO BADLY having that CONSTANT COMMUNITY of believers, the weekly EPIC worship sessions that left me coming back to Him over and over and over again, the coffee dates with sweet friends that turned into hours of conversations of how AWESOME Almighty God is to us.
It’s been a GOOD year, a year that’s revealed ugly & molded new & CHANGED so much wrong perspective that I thought would be embedded in my heart forever… you can read some of changed perspective “newness” in this post… but in light of all the analytical shifting, I’ve missed the TANGIBLE, EMOTIONAL, POWERFUL, gatherings that I was so used to back in Colorado Springs. Maybe that stuff is hyped up, maybe it’s superficial & I’m POSITIVE it’s not essential to life in Christ… but either way it’s hard to lose. It’s hard when you move from a lush garden to a desert – that transition can cause somewhat of an identity crisis if it’s your first time, at least for me it did.
But as I was reading over some old notes from my days at theMill “THIRSTY” Retreat I was reminded by something incredible. I believe it was something Glenn Packiam had said during one of his sermons. My notes read:
“If you have roots by a stream, it doesn’t matter when exterior things dry up. God may dry up the rain for a season – to remind us about THE STREAM that NEVER dries up!
- Desert time gets us to a place of mystery to develop our roots so they can go DEEPER.”
AWE. SOME.
Many, many days this past year were focused on my dry leaves. Many, many days this past year, I had completely forgotten about the STREAM that NEVER dries up. What a shame to focus so much on the change and forget about the ONE Constant!!!
Growth happens in change, I can see that now, and as my life has changed so much this year, I TRUST God that regardless of how “dry” this year has felt for me in my faith, He still is a stream that remains and will remain. And He’s not done with me. He proved that over the past few months, showing me just how long I still had to go, and loving me enough to still give us the desires of our hearts in spite of our lack of faith… and by our I guess I really meant “MY” lack of faith… Bill seemed pretty calm through it all, haha… thank you Jesus for giving me a tangible, solid (not to mention freaking gorgeous) immovable rock in the midst of my emotional turmoil. :)
SO yes. Crazy few months… emotional few months… change is yet again on the horizon as we very soon will leave the great state of Texas and head for the East Coast… I’m excited/somewhat nervous to see what this upcoming change will reveal regarding the state my heart is in… but I’m SO excited to hopefully move from this “dry” season into new community, new opportunity, and new GROWTH!
Cheers to PAINFUL GROWTH – so necessary in order to become more like Him… a goal that I would SO LIKE to consume my heart, once and for all.
