I can always tell how close I am to God when I pay attention to what music I'm listening too. The times in my life when I'm chasing after Him hardcore and completely wrapped up in who He is and what He's called me to be.... I'm listening to stuff like Shawn McDonald, Shane&Shane, Hillsong United, Sara Groves. Stuff that feeds my soul and constantly encourages and reminds me of who He is and who I am in Him.
But OTHER times.... like now, unfortunately, I listen to rapcrap and stupid music that has NOTHING to offer your life other than a nice beat to bob your head to. The words are trash, the people who sing the words live lives pointed in the opposite direction of who I want to be, and the ideas, thoughts, and meditations of my heart when I LISTEN to those songs are, quite honestly, trash as well.
I'm back alright. Back into the real world. It's hard y'all. ("Y'allllll" - a little shout-out to my YWAM bed buddy, a girl named Wisdom, the beauty from Texas) :)
Anyways. It's been hard. But awesome... but hard.... but awesome. :)
Let me explain. It's been so nice to be back in the same place as the man I'm in love with; to be able to see him every week and talk to him and BE with him and do life with him again.... that's been the biggest blessing in my life so far. Being back with my family has been awesome too, living life with them again and having them right there to help me through anything has been amazing.
But everything else..... hard. I MISS being in a community of people who are all in love with Jesus. Its hard coming back to ordinary life, especially when you realized at one point that you are ruined from the ordinary.
The fact that I spent the last 5.5 months living in Hawaii/Kyrgyzstan, and living among some of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life is honestly surreal to me. That time FLEW by. Those people made more of an impact in my life than I think they will ever truly realize.
The time I spent with them was so amazing, and its just so hard for me to believe that they're GONE!!!! Not like, gone-gone, I just mean out of my life. I mean, the awesome guys I met won't ever be just a "stones-throw" down the road in the Creekhouse ever again, and the incredible girls I met won't ever be my roomies/be just a 5-step walk in the Shekinah house ever again! I HATE that.
I love the people here. I love my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. But I love the people back in Hawaii/Kyrgyzstan too. I WISH I could mesh those two worlds together. Maybe one day..... who knows:)
Anyways back to the topic of this post.... MUSIC! No, jk. It's more my relationship with God, and how hard it has been to pursue since I've been home. I've taken a lot of different things into account for sure, different relationships in my life that are pushing me either closer or farther from who I want to be. I think right now I need to find people in my life, here back at home, who are head over heels in LOVE with Jesus, so its like Donald Miller says, the way they love is inspiring... "it's like they're showing me the way."
I need that so desperately in my life right now, I can't keep going the way I'm going because my heart is dying on the inside. My heart belongs to Jesus and always has, that will never change, I decided that a long time ago, but I want my heart to be more in tuned with His and I want my life to reflect Him more. I WANT Him to be my best friend, not just sing about it! I WANT Him to be Lord of my life and to speak to me through every situation and give me enough grace to do His will in every situation.
Right now, I'm listening to rapcrap and trying to do things on my own, I can't survive that way. I feel it. I feel my heart slowly falling away and slowly dying.... where sadness, doubt, bitterness, hatred, and rebellion start to creep in. It affects the way I think, the way I speak, and the way I treat the people that I genuinely love. I don't want to live in that way, I want to live my life to the fullest that God's called me to.
SO. I've recently changed my station... back to music thats encouraging and helps my mind and heart focus on the right things. There's this one song that I'm obsessed with right now thats on the radio a lot lately.... called "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North.
Here are the lyrics.
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run'
Cause I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
Praise God for giving us more music than just rapcrap... *smile* and praise the Holy Spirit for drawing near to me, even tho I'm far away, through one simple song. He works so well. He is good.
I love my King.
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within."
