I guess a way to describe how I'm feeling now and have been feeling these past few months since my get-away to foreign lands through an organization I love and call YWAM, would be, complacent. Not passionate. Dull. I feel as though I've been sitting in the waiting room of my life for the past 10 years. Just sitting, waiting. Not knowing what my future will hold, what the new plans God has for my life will be. Not knowing with to keep/quit my job. No knowing whether to finish school completely or hold it out for a couple semesters. Not knowing whether to just drop everything all together and move to Fiji to do missions for a few months or just stick around, let life take its course.
What's worse is that, while sitting here in the waiting room... boredom creeping in by the minute... I find myself getting distracted. Distracted with life, family, work, comparing myself, dreams, relationships.
Here's the thing. I've met Jesus Christ. I asked Him to become the Lord of my life almost exactly 10 years ago, and growing up I have realized that I will never taste or see anything more fulfilling or rewarding in my life. Nothing else in the world will ever satisfy. Nothing else in the world could possibly offer me more joy, more hope, more LIFE.
BUT. (Big but.) When you spend the last few years of your life asking Christ to wreck you from the ordinary, and He actually does it, trying to live life in this world is extremely and emotionally detrimental and consuming. And pointless, as a matter of fact.
I'm tired of the waiting room. I'm tired of complacency. I know God put me on this earth for a purpose bigger than just earning money and being a friendly person.
I want to live a life full of passion. I want to be passionate about my God, my family, people. I want to be passionate about bringing His Kingdom to earth. I want to be passionate about His truth, seeing it break chains and transform lives. I want to be passionate about walking in the Spirit, not fulfilling the lustful desires of the flesh but walking in the power and authority that Christ died on the Cross to give us. Lord, refuel my fire!!!!!!
I feel right now in my heart I need to re-grasp this concept of someone loving me enough to save my life and take my place. I need to really GET this concept in my heart. I want to know this Man, this Abba, on a deeper level.
I've been reading over some blogs recently that are so real and raw. Makes me realize that I need to change perspective, challenging my own heart and thoughts.
I need to grasp the reality that I have NEVER been unloved.
YOU have never been unloved.
You have never been unloved.
As a sweet girl named Christa says... "'you have NEVER been unloved. even in the backseat of that car...even in that abortion clinic...even when you were doing the worst of the worst...that deepest darkest secret. in your most despicable moment...you have NEVER been unloved.'
I dunno about you, but that's HUGE. That's TRUTH. It's POWERFUL.
Here's something to think about.
So many people think that in order to be a Christian, you have to be GOOD. Perfect. You have to have it all together. Well that's a lie.
A favorite author of mine, A. W. Tozer, said this: "A Christian is no morally better than a sinner, the only difference is that He has taken Jesus, so He has a Savior."
He doesn't say that a Christian has discovered a 10 step process to being a better person and living a better life. We are no morally different than a sinner, but he simply states that now we have a Savior! Well, if Christians are so perfect, why would they need a Savior??
...
Well, that's where we find the lie. God doesn't say, "Ok Jo, when you have your life figured out, THEN you can come up to my Altar... worship me... and maybe, depending on how nice you were that day, you can have a relationship with me. So, get better Jo! Because only when you become a good person, THEN will I love you with an everlasting love."
No. Romans 5:8 says "While we were still weak, at the right time, Christ died for the UNGODLY."
Nobody just DIES for somebody, unless they love them. Really, self-sacrificialy love them.
And the Bible doesn't say that Christ died for the "godly" or the "perfect people." He died for the UNGODLY, the people that were most unlike HIM, (since He's God.) And it goes on to explain why: "... God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
I don't want to be a woman that has it all together! I want to be raw, PASSIONATE, real, ALIVE. I want to be broken, consistently running to God and being needy of a Savior. I want to walk this life as if the God of the universe is in love with me, and unconditionally too.
Thanks for letting me process.
And try to let that sink in....
YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN UNLOVED.
You have NEVER been unloved.
While you were, and are, still a sinner, God showed His great LOVE for you.
You have NEVER been unloved.
So. I don't really know what to name this post. It jumps from me being in a tough spot, to me trying to help you, (and essentially myself,) grasp the concept of never being unloved. That's why I love blogging:) I get to sort through the crap in my own heart, and turn it around, making it less about me and my problems and making it more, and eventually ALL, about Him. This Man, so amazing, so ridiculous, so controversial, so OTHER.
I NEED to know this Man!
He is truth. He offers life. He brings me Joy. Even when I don't deserve it. He is my strength. I need to start living like the God of the Universe is in love with me... unconditionally, and never-ending.
Thanks for letting me process.
And try to let that truth sink deeper than your mind.... down about 12 more inches... penetrating your heart:)
YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN UNLOVED.
"Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds." - Psalms 36:5
