“You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope.
With less of you, there is more of God and His rule.”
~ Matt 5:3 MSG
During these past couple years of my life, the ones where I’ve had the title of “wife,” I’ve often times felt like I was at the “end of my rope.” Emotionally, physically, spiritually (perhaps the most painful…) you name it.
Marriage will tend to do that to you, I’ve noticed, magnify the ugly & show you the parts of your heart that are prime for redemption.
In fact, sometimes when I’ve been emotionally drained, I’d tell my husband, “Uh oh… baby, I’m at the end of my rope.” (I tell him this in baby voice, of course, cuz that’s what you do when you’re married.)
He laughs & smiles (because I think he really adores my baby voice) and wraps his big arms around me and says something like, “Oh no! You’re at the end of your rope? Well then you can have mine.”
The beautiful part of marriage is just that – I’m weak, he’s strong. I’m ugly, he’s grace-filled. I fall, he picks me back up. I’m “out of rope,” & gives me some of his…
and vice-versa.
ALWAYS.
Giving, taking, giving, taking.
Fulfilling needs & encouraging growth.
Back & forth.
Like we’re one flesh instead of two… what an idea.
See, when you have “two good willed people” (as Emerson Eggerich clarifies from his famous book “Love & Respect,”) things like STRENGTH, UNITY, GRACE, PATIENCE, and COMPASSION get magnified IN THE FACE OF all the ugly things you start to realize about yourself.
It’s not just negative with no positive… when two good willed people are involved, it CAN be a FANTASTIC OUTCOME in the face of negative situations. (HUGE WIN.)
I used to strongly dislike the verse above… I HATE the feeling of being at the end of my rope. I HATE the feeling of hopelessness, whether it’s due to a tough situation or due to self-loathing because of reactions stemmed from fear and insecurity… ugh I’d beat myself up about things probably too too often.
But when I recently read this verse, especially in the Message version, I couldn’t help but feel how true it is now for my life, not just tangibly with my husband, but also in the ways that are “less tangible” in relation to God.
I can now see how the moments where I felt insane/at the end of my rope have resulted in blessing for me.
If I hadn’t gotten married, all this UGLY would’ve just BEEN in me & STAYED & swelled inside my heart. I would’ve just kept living my life & probably wouldn’t have even known the terrible condition it was in.
But NOPE – marriage doesn’t leave you “as you are.”
It brings you face to face with your pride & selfishness, a fire refining... and if you choose to take the self-hatred & shameful route like I did, you will often times be SO SICK AND TIRED of CONSTANTLY making promises & failing to meet them.
Examples:
“I’m sorry I said that, I promise I won’t say that again.” – FAILED.
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe the best about you, I promise I will next time.” – FAILED.
“I’m sorry I didn’t trust you in this situation, I promise I will trust you next time.” – FAILED.
“I’m sorry reacted in that way, I promise I won’t react like that next time.” – FAILED.
Then, when all those FAILED promises hit me square in my face, I started to hate myself.
I felt powerless & like I wouldn’t be able to change from the ugly, crazy me.
Started to be so angry at myself, started doubting I would ever change, started believing the lie that my husband deserved better & maybe I should just leave so he could FIND someone better because he honestly DESERVED BETTER than this terrible treatment & these failed promises…
:( Shame. Guilt. End of my rope.
“You are blessed when you’re at the end of your rope…” because when I’m face to face with my failures, I have two options:
1) Hate yourself because you’re a failure & that’s all you’ll ever be.
2) Recognize your neediness, repent, shut out lies &
trust that your spouse was hand-picked for those exact moments…. grace.
FROM HIM. Grace & more room for HIS RULE.
In the first part of our marriage, in the midst of a failed promise, I picked option 1 EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
But thankfully, God gave Billy supernatural powers: PATIENCE with his emotionally insane wife, GRACE to forgive my failed promises & unconditional LOVE to hold me right after I had said or done something that had broken his heart. Amazing.
AND, after the constant patience, grace, and love I was shown despite my failures… My King started leading my heart to choose option 2 in the midst of ugly reactions & shame more & more… let’s just say we’ve come a long way from those painful, ugly days.
So today.
We got into a bit of a squabble this morning.
It wasn’t over something necessarily unimportant, but of course I didn’t exactly instigate the discussion in the most positive, mature way.
I felt angry, probably mostly due to insecurity, and being the passionate person that I am… those angry emotions swelled up inside of me & I felt like a volcano was about to erupt, with my mind & my SENSE trying desperately to plug it before the mess.
But I’m not at a good enough place (YET) to allow my volcanic emotions to swell and simply let them exist WITHOUT HIM KNOWING ABOUT THEM!
If I’m angry, he’s DEFINITELY GOING TO KNOW IT dang it!
(Still a work in progress…) :)
Anyways, I said some things to let him know I was upset, but was trying so very hard to keep a reign on my tongue – something I really had NOT been able to do at ALL in the beginning.
But I did, just kept my mouth shut from further damage, hopped in the shower & prayed about what I was going to say & how I was going to address the situation, role-playing conversations in my mind.
(I'm notorious for speaking my mind, without the slightest care as to what I say/how I say it… making sure my point gets across in probably the most hurtful way possible. So the real question is… why did he marry me again??)
Got out of the shower, I could tell he was pissed from my earlier sudden reaction, so we kind of co-mingled in angry silence for a minute around the bedroom as I got dressed for work.
Angry silence is a step up for us… it’s better than eruptions, better than explosions… grace. Progress. Thanks Lord.
Finally we break for the kitchen for breakfast… still no words are spoken. (we can be a couple of stubborn asses, I tell you.)
I initiate resolution… also an improvement.
Because typically, whenever something happens that’s NOT my fault (rare), my pride LOVES taking its (too familiar) place in my heart & reminds me that it’s HIS fault; “HE knows I’m angry, he knows HE messed up this time… the ball is in his court to fix it.”
But not today… I initiate. Grace… progress.
The script I had practiced in my head in the shower comes out… trying to implement all the effective communication rules we’ve learned in our Love & Respect Bible Study recently, ie:
“When you do ____ I feel ____.”
OK – in those grace-filled moments where I have time to actually THINK about my words before they spill out into a huge giant mess of regret, I try to enforce some rules.
RULES:
1) NO disrespectful words or tone.
2) NO hateful words.
3) NO hysterical emotional vomit.
4) NO expecting him to read my mind…
communicate my feelings/concerns clearly & completely.
5) NO permanent words… ie. “You NEVER do this, you ALWAYS do that”
– those aren’t true so don’t be drama.
6) Believe the best about him, period. And when possible, communicate that to him.
So I’ve grown & am now at a place where I try my best to INPUT these rules (that previously did NOT exist in our arguments.)
He hears me, his heart softens just a little, though he is still upset.
See when it comes to my man… he’s PERFECT but he’s not, & he has his own issues to work out as well, & I pray for grace to understand that… especially since he’s given me so much grace already.
So we’re here & we talk & I share my points in the best way I can & he listens & slowly gives in but is still upset & claims that I’m talking to him like a child & my tears come because I’m trying so hard to avoid just THAT, trying so hard to keep to my “rules” & to be as respectful as my emotions will allow, & then… HE SEES THAT & completely softens.
He takes my hand & looks into my eyes & tells me the genuine appreciation he has for me, how he recognizes how far I’ve come from the dark days & how well I’ve handled my emotions in this & that he appreciates the way God made me, as a passionate woman, that he wouldn’t change a thing about me & he loves to see how I’m trying so very hard to CHANGE the ugly reaction that is so AUTO-PILOT for me.
GRACE.
We hop in the car & he continues his kind, genuine words. He is so sensible & level-headed & patient & God KNOWS I don’t deserve it but gives me a man like that anyways.
It’s a gift, really, and I want to always, as best I can, protect those traits in him… the GIFT that is given THROUGH Him… to see the grace he gives & as a wife, TREASURE it, not nag it away or criticize it to death or argue it numb.
*WORD TO THE WIVES*
You married your man because you obviously loved him & saw the good in him.
Don’t be a wife that destroys that precious, patient part of him.
Don’t nag. Don’t criticize. Don’t treat him or talk to him like a child.
Don’t make fun of him, especially in front of other people.
Don’t always have to be the one that’s RIGHT.
Don’t embarrass him. Build him up. Be patient when his brain doesn’t work straight.
Encourage him & RESPECT him, talk about his GOOD traits, even in front of other people.
PROTECT the part of him you love so much, don’t make him feel like that’s not important…
or else I’m sure one day he’ll get fed UP with your nagging, your criticizing, your bossing him around and making him feel like a child & then when that happens, my bet is… he’ll stop showing you the loving, patient side of him that you adore. Because apparently that part isn’t good enough for you anymore…
DON’T LET THAT HAPPEN!
PROTECT that, don’t destroy it!!!
(I’m in no way a perfect example of these things but I feel like they’re something I’ve seen too often in marriages & I wanted to vent!!!)
{{Bunny trail: over.}}
So yes, we’re in the car driving to work & hands are held & tears are shed & anger is gone & forgiveness is expressed & the things we love most about each other come SPILLING out & we build each other up & this is true:
grace + loving actions = loving FEELINGS.
(always? Pretty much always.)
And as we’ve all experienced at one time or another… loving FEELINGS are always so nice. :)
He smiles at me and says, “we’re a good team.” :) We ARE a team, a WORK-IN-PROGRESS team but we’re SEEING THE POSITIVE CHANGE & we BELIEVE God hand-picked us for each other to lead our (future) family & most of the time, we can SEE the amazing team that we are… in the RESOLUTIONS.
Those moments of feeling at the end of my rope were there & they were where I lived for so long… but as soon as I chose to believe option 2 about myself instead of option 1 – I allowed CHANGE. I allowed GRACE.
I went from believing that I could never change to believing that, in those moments of heated emotions and intense anger, I HAD control. I COULD think clearly. I COULD succeed in this one. I CAN grow.
“You’re blessed… because with less of you, there is more of God & His rule.”
I’m grateful I have a tangible reminder in my husband that “the end of my rope” was not a permanent place for me.
Not only would he not allow that, a battle he faced & a story that’s his to tell… but he also believed better FOR me.
I’m grateful I have a man to keep repeating truth to me… like a broken record blasting in a small room where a deaf person sits… he kept repeating, despite my many failed attempts.
“No, I don’t want anyone else… it’s ok, I forgive you… I love the way God made you… you can do this, we’ll get through this… stop it, I’m not going anywhere.”
I’m grateful that at the end of my rope, it’s not the end.
God CAN change a heart.
God CAN & DOES make things new.
God CAN rule when there’s less of you.
The fact that God said you’re BLESSED when you’re at the end of your rope isn’t just a pretty idea with no power behind it.
“End of rope” to me, signifies ENDING and HOPELESSNESS… but don’t you see?
God’s offering you a way out, and the master game plan has very little to do with what you have to offer as “good.”
So if you’re at the end of your rope – BE BLESSED. Allow more of HIS RULE in your heart, in your marriage, in your dreams & realities.
Less of you = More of HIM & that’s ALWAYS the better deal.
