:::Snippets of Oswald:::

So, I'm trying to get into Oswald Chambers again... my previous attempts involved moments in my life where my brain was already overrun with deep issues and the last thing I needed was Mr. Oswald fancy-pants lingo  with over-the-top vocab to keep my mind in an already too-deep, mind-hurting state. 

I recently decided to try again, however, and today's particular "Utmost" had my heart BURSTING so much so that I wanted to share:::

"We need to learn this secret of the burning heart. 

Suddenly Jesus appears to us, the fires are kindled, we have wonderful visions, then we have to learn to keep the secret of the burning heart that will go through anything. 

It is the dull, bald, dreary day, with commonplace duties and people, the kills the burning heart unless we have learned the secret of abiding in Jesus. 

Much of our distress as Christians comes not because of sin, but because we are ignorant of the laws of our own nature. 

For instance, the only test as to whether we ought to allow an emotion to have its way is to see the the outcome of the emotion will be. 

Push it to its logical conclusion, and if the outcome is something God would condemn, allow it no more way. 

But if it be an emotion kindled by the Spirit of God and you do not let that emotion have its right issue in your life, it will react on a lower level. 

The higher the emotion is, the deeper the degradation will be, if it is not worked out on its proper level. 

If the Spirit of God has stirred you, make as many things inevitable as possible, let the consequences be what they will. 
We cannot stay on the mount of transfiguration  but we must obey the light we received there, we must act it out. 
When God gives a vision, transact business on that line, no matter what it costs. 

"My Utmost for His Highest"

Oswald Chambers. 

I love that so much. 

As a female who was raised in church and has truly experienced perhaps only a handful of times on "the mount of transfiguration..." - you know, the moments with Jesus that leave you with exactly that: a BURNING HEART..... this hits a little too close to home.

I'm the girl that goes on retreats or conferences and obtains the "burning heart" and comes back and is "on fire" and desperately wants to live IN that "fire" and "passion" and NEVER LET IT BURN OUT!! 

Can you relate, perhaps? 

This entry touched my heart because... I think truly God made us that way. 

God made us to desire those "mount" moments... where His presence is thick and rich and tangible and literally the only thing you want... 

The more I think about it, the more I think that His presence alone is what satisfies the deepest longings of our hearts. 

His presence ALONE is watch catches our hearts on fire... it fulfills us and is probably the only thing on planet earth that can truly satisfy... so once you experience that, of COURSE you'd be burning for more!! 

But I love how Oswald put it... "It is the dull, bald, dreary day, with commonplace duties and people, the kills the burning heart...." Bah. Isn't that the truth. 

I've experienced that about once a year, and it leaves me feeling like dog poop, because, once AGAIN... I've failed. I've messed up. What once was a burning heart, is NOW... again... a regular heart... that may look like everyone else's in the room, including people who don't even acknowledge Jesus as Lord and Savior. 

Um... cue the guilt & shame. 

However, Oswald offers a little bit of light into it, and it truly is the ONLY ANSWER, I suppose. 

Our days will be dreary and "ordinary" and the burning hearts will eventually distinguis.. "Unless we have learned the secret of abiding in Jesus."

And, I truly think it is a secret. 

It's a secret that is available to EVERYONE but only truly discovered by the ones who intentionally practice it with their WHOLE HEARTS. 

I've been a Christian since October 10th, 1999.... (sure, do the math, and go ahead and laugh at the fact that this is still a part of my relationship with Jesus that I desperately need to DO....) and the fact that this is still such a "taaa-daaa!!! LIGHT-BULB ON" moment for me is a little bit ridiculous. 

But, Jesus gives more grace... I love Him... and He's still teaching me, through random moments like a quiet time with Oswald leading the way... how much it comes back to this:

ABIDE. 

Dana Candler says it beautifully... 

"Jesus isn't look for a better you, but a lesser you. 

We aren't to imitate the vine, but ABIDE in it." 

Beautiful beautiful beautiful. 

I want to NOT be ignorant about the laws of my own nature. I don't want to depend on emotions because emotions are fickle and often lead me away from what God wills for my life. 

I want to be WISE with my emotions... I love how Oswald put it... "For instance, the only test as to whether we ought to allow an emotion to have its way is to see the the outcome of the emotion will be. 

Push it to its logical conclusion, and if the outcome is something God would condemn, allow it no more way."

Well, Duh Oswald. (haha.) :)

Then, the next part is what convicted me the most... 

 But if it be an emotion kindled by the Spirit of God and you do not let that emotion have its right issue in your life, it will react on a lower level. 

I don't want the emotions in my life that are kindled by the Spirit of God... perhaps the ones involving my emotional response to sex trafficking, marriages, helping young teenage girls find their value & worth in Christ alone.... THOSE emotions that I feel to NOT HAVE THEIR RIGHT PLACE IN MY LIFE. 

Or else... as perhaps is the case in my heart currently... they react on a lower level. 

Wow. Conviction. And so much encouragement. 

So what did I learn from this tiny "Utmost?"

1. Don't let the dull, dreary, ordinary life kill my "fire"

2. Don't think that "my fire" is "out" because I don't "feel Him so emotionally" as I may have before... rather, discipline myself to abide in Jesus and test the day-to-day emotions that I feel. 

3. Pray for the Spirit to reveal the true emotions that He wants me to be lead to...

4. Once I experience those, let the Spirit have them and manifest them on the PROPER LEVEL of my life. 

5. Jesus through Oswald fancy-pants lingo absolutely rocks... who knew?

And finally... this little nugget of gold... We cannot stay on the mount of transfiguration  but we must obey the light we received there, we must act it out. 

No more words are really needed. 

::Truths in Deployments::

So we're about a week into this crazy life-change & things are going surprisingly better than I could've ever anticipated... I'm speaking in regards to my emotional capacity, of course.

I have such a grateful heart because I know, without a doubt, that the way I feel right now, and the things God's been doing in my heart since my husb left, are allll due to the many, many people covering us in prayer.

When I think about it, I am overwhelmed with emotion and unspeakably in awe of the army of people God's put into our lives to pray for us. 

And not only do they pray for us, but many of them TELL us they are praying for us, that leaves me feeling so humbled and comforted and encouraged.

It's actually ridiculous, in the best possible way.

I dunno where you are in your walk with Christ, but one thing that I'm really starting to realize... is that prayer is everything that most people say it is.

1) It works.

2) It's powerful.

3) It's boring sometimes. (No, a lot of the times.)

4) If you push past the boring-ness... and realize in your mind that you're actually talking to the Creator who made the stars in the sky & still cares about all your little problems... you may actually begin to love it.

5) The more you seek Him in the quiet, private places, the more you really do find Him.

6) The more you find Him, the more you become like Him.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ all of that, is what I've been discovering in the past week as my current "status" has updated to a woman living by her lonesome.

Rewind a bit.

So, the big "D" word (head out of the gutter folks, for this phase of my life, the big bad "D" word is simply the word that means separation due to service. And nothing more. Literally.) was quickly approaching.... the countdown in my head was in full swing & I don't think I was able to really know what to do with it.

A beautiful best friend from high school, who's husband also flies for the Air Force and is about a year ahead of my man, mentioned once or twice to me that the week or two leading up to the D word is the worst... because you're caught between hating that he's leaving so soon, and wanting to just start it already so that you can stop anticipating the pain that's inevitably coming.

That pretty much perfectly describes my emotions, up until the day he left.

I'm sad to say I was in a bit of a funk those last few days. In particular, the day before he left, I was a straight-up B word. (Yes, head in the gutter for that one.) I hate to admit it, but I was like, sooooooo not what a wife-who's-husband-is-leaving-the-next-day should be.

I woke up kinda pissed. I was pissed all day. My poor, sweet husband tried several times to make me laugh because he could tell I was distant. And boy, was I. I kept him at an arms length most of the day, avoided eye-contact, forced myself to not laugh at times that I normally would have, and was just overall, very mean and cold.

(hashtagsadface)

I remember praying at one point in the day.... "God! Why am I like this, today of all days?? He's leaving TOMORROW! Help me to be happy, PLEASE GOD!" Truly, I was hating myself for feeling and treating him the way I was and I couldn't figure out why I was in such a funk.

Then, there we were hanging out, and Bill, in his continual attempts to make me laugh, said something that was so funny and I forced myself to actually laugh at his funny-ness, and when my eyes met his (for probably literally the third time that whole day)... my heart just broke. I burst into tears.

It was so weird to me when I finally realized that the reason I was keeping him at an arms length was because I actually didn't want to love him too much or enjoy his company too much, because it reminded me what I was losing in the next 24 hours. It hurt too bad.

This whole thing was happening COMPLETELY in my subconscious .. as I said, I couldn't figure out my funk, until I actually let myself laugh and be happy and ultimately realize that my heart was in so much pain. So weird, right?
... No? Well THIS Psych major thinks it's mega weird, thank you very much. :) 

Luckily, I learned from a friend who grew up as an Air Force brat... (in the ultimate sense of the word... ie. Dad was an Air Force pilot, two brothers were too, and THEN she fell in love with one who is actually hanging out with my husband overseas as I type this...) ... (yes, we love this couple.).... I learned from her that, I'm NOT ALONE IN THIS CRAZY PSYCHO CRABBY-PANTS REACTION TO THE D WORD.

Apparently, her mom kind of had the same reaction every time her dad was getting ready to leave on a long extended mission. She'd just be equally distant and cold, every single time. 

Crabby as all get out.... just. like. I was.

Finding this out not only comforted me but made me, again, SO GRATEFUL for Air Force communities. 

It's nice to know that these weird, sub-conscious emotions aren't just solitary to your life. 

That there are other wives out there who can not only relate... but who have plenty more than just one separation under their belt & can pass down valuable knowledge.

The advice I've received from many more seasoned Air Force wives is something I've come to treasure and appreciate; a standard I want to live up to and bless others with.

So, now he's gone. It sucks, of course. But as I said earlier, not even HALF as bad as I was expecting! (Again, I owe a big ol' chunk of it to you... thankyouthankyouthankyoumyloves!)

1 Corinthians 7:34-35 says:

"... and the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. 

But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 

I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord."

So I read that this weekend. 

And the last part really resonated loud in my spirit.... to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord....

Just for FUN (and because I love it so much,) here's the Message version. (Small, small disclaimer: for all you who think the Message is heresy.... I don't care. Scoot your boot off that high horse & enjoy what this says, I promise your salvation isn't in question by reading this.) :::

"I want you to live as free of complications as possible. 

When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. 

Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. 

The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God..." 

NOW. 

Before everyone freaks out.... I would like to clarify a few facts about my self in light of writing not one but TWO translations of the above verse: 

1) Yes, I do know that the D word doesn't mean I'm single now. 

2) Yes, I do know that I'm still married. 

3) Yes, I do know that I'm still married. 

4) Yes, I do prefer marriage over the single life. 

5) Yes, I do think this verse is still hitting my heart in a strong, strong way. 

And here's why: because God is SHOWING ME STUFF! 

Again, I am in no way considering myself to be the "unmarried" or "betrothed" widow mentioned in the verses... nor do I wish I was (because let's be honest, marriage freaking rocks.) 

All I'm saying is... that in this certain phase of life... and unfortunately, in many phases of life to come... I am, in some ways, living the "single life." (I said SOME ways!!!! NOT ALL!!! Quit freaking out & judging me people!)

For instance, tonight I watched a movie until 12:30 am. Yes, I do do stuff like that with my husband all the time, but when he's around, the movie is RARELY a sappy chick-flick... and nutella usually isn't as involved, either. 

In this phase of life... I'm alone. I am so much like the "unmarried" woman mentioned in the verses above. I hate it in so many ways, and yet, in spite of the loneliness, fear, and sadness I feel most days, I am experiencing God's grace & wholeness in so. many. ways. 

He's showing me that... IT'S OK. 

It's ok to miss my husband. 

I mean, come on, God made the two of us, ONE, quite literally. "Un-one-ing" what God had made one in the form of thousands of physical miles of separation is nothing to look forward to or enjoy in the moment. 

Bill's my other half, my best half, he has my heart, he's the one I want to be around every day, he loves me so well and yet... he's far away. 

I don't care who you are, that's not fun. 

And God shows me that... the sadness I feel is OK. 

BUT: the fear, anxiety and self-pity I feel is, in all honesty, not really ok. Here's why.

I dropped Bill off at the flight line the day he left... super strong without tears n' all... and then got into my car and experienced a whole different set of emotions. satan loves to kick us while we're down... and in light of that, un-merited thoughts from him flooded my mind... stuff like... "Well technically Jo, this could be the very last time you hug Billy..."

That kinda crap invaded my safe space and, do you want to know how God responded for me to those thoughts? 

I turned on the car to drive home, tears & fears showing up on my face and then.... 

"I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind... the God of ANGEL ARMIES, is always by my side. 

The ONE WHO REIGNS FOREVER.... 

HE IS A FRIEND OF MINE!

The God of Angel Armies is always by my side." 

Not only did this TRUTH hit me at my CORE... but this TRUTH also happens to be one of my husbands favorite worship songs at the moment. 

So in case you missed it.... 

GOD responded to the fears that satan (with a very little, little "s") was whispering into MY reality... by reminding him about his reality. 

Yes, I bawled. But not because I was scared. 

I bawled  because, the ONE WHO REIGNS FOREVER is not only my friend (and that's truly enough), but is also CURRENTLY WITH MY HUSBAND AS I TYPE THIS. 

And He loved me enough to REMIND ME OF THAT FACT in the midst of my sorrow, in the midst of my disobedience in believing satan's LIES over God's TRUTH. 

I know, in my heart of hearts, that God went BEFORE and BEHIND Bill. He's hemmed him in. He is by his side, whether that's 30k feet in the sky (a shorter journey from home for Him, perhaps), or right here on the couch next to me. 

He loves Bill, He's a good King, regardless of any and EVERY outcome, and He sealed my heart with that promise in that same hour that Bill left. Sheesh.... Jesus is some kind of wonderful. 

Since that day, He's truly held me. 

Something I've found out about myself is that when left alone to live the "single life..." I'm very, very good at being a hermit. Gimme some sweat pants, an oversized t-shirt, a comfy blanket and a half-way decent show and I'm good for days. Shower--What?? People--Who?? 

I found out about this hidden talent (I say that pathetically) over the past few months because Bill has had quite a few trips where he's gone from 3 - 6 days. Which is fine. 

But I've been convicted since those days.... all alone, by myself, having all the time in the world to do ANYTHING... and yet choosing the couch/TV life.... yes, I've been convicted since those days to INSTEAD... pursue my King and EMBRACE SILENCE in HIM, instead of filling my head with the best the world has to offer, aka crap.

So, Bill leaves, this time for the longest time yet, I'm mean to him the day before he leaves, I'm desperately sad the day he leaves, I come home to an empty house and have a whole day to myself and am tempted to each chocolate and cry and watch a show that will make me feel better---- God reminds me of my conviction, and I choose to, for once, follow it. 

Everything I'm sharing here is not to toot my own horn by any means because truly, it's a little pathetic HOW MANY TIMES I've had the opportunity to dwell in His presence while my man is away and instead waste evening after evening doing anything but.

It's ridiculous and exposes perhaps my unbelief of who He is as a worthy, jealous King. 

But, I believe that the combination of your prayers & my (for once) small obedience has literally CHANGED MY LIFE. In less than a week. 

I feel like this time that God has made in my life, to be a somewhat "single woman" was ordained BY HIM before I was BORN because, right now He wants to recapture my heart in my obedience to Him.... He wants to secure my undivided attention to Him, once again....

He gave me and has given me this life that, for the next few years, will involve a lot of alone time. 

As I said earlier, the alone time I've recently experienced has exposed my humiliating LACK of discipline in areas that are vital to my existence... that is, prayer, reading His word, cultivating His presence, etc. 

I don't want this time of being alone to be wasted. 

I want to, for once, once again, at age freakin 23, to truly DEVELOP DISCIPLINE in Him. 

Out of pure love. 

Out of pure adoration and complete realization of who He is and what He's done. 

I love being married and I love that I'll be married to Bill for the rest of my days... I can't believe how blessed I am by the way he loves, protects, leads, and guides me - in the midst of all my ugly! (Which is SO MUCH.... in case you're new to this place, catch up on my ugliness in previous blogs and be comforted in doing so because if you feel ugly, you're about to have a HUGE self-esteem boost in comparison to where I've been at.) 

Marriage is truly one of God's most grace-filled gifts in my life, I'm a different person and more refined through the fire and passion and love and grace and mercy that is found in marriage. I wouldn't have it any other way, and I hope everyone truly realizes that. 

However, these days I'm living in are the days He's planned and the presence of God that I've felt over the last few days is convincing enough to continue to pursue. 

Since the moment Bill has left my side, God's been with me. 

First, the song. 

Next, comforting verses found out of, for once, actual obedience to Him. 

Next, comforting messages/texts/comments from loving friends that really really encouraged me. 

Next, a women's retreat literally TWO DAYS after he leaves (God's timing is the best huh.) that will literally change my life (stay tuned, that's my next blog.) 

Next, a song by David Crowder on my way home from retreat that says "And it's just You and me here now.... and I will worship You Lord, only You Lord" and the weight of those words leave me stunned and encouraged.

Then, a book by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity" and a prayer she writes in it that I say with every fiber of my being in the middle of the night to my King that leaves me ugly-crying and completely changed. 

People, His presence is so real. 

His truth is ABSOLUTE TRUTH. He is a rock. He is an anchor. He is an unshakable foundation. You WILL find Him when you seek Him. You CAN cultivate His presence. He IS worthy of earnest seeking in the midst of not "feeling Him." 

James 4 says, "but He gives more grace......" my deliberate disobedience over the past trips that Bill's taken makes me ashamed, but the grace He is showing me in this time of my life leaves me encouraged and humbled. 

Will I mess up and disobey again? You betcha. 

Am I convinced that His presence is the best thing? I felt it as strong as ever, for the first time in a LONG time, at retreat this weekend and all I can say is yes. Sign me up. Again and again. I'm convinced. 

Do I want to take this time as a "single woman" living a "single life" to secure my undivided attention on my King, cultivate His presence, nurture the relationship, fall deeper in love with Him and be lead completely by the Spirit?? To become a WHOLE and HOLY WOMAN OF GOD? 

yessssssss. Please God, please! 

My little experience in marriage has shown me that being a WHOLE PERSON apart from your spouse is a very, very good and healthy and actually necessary thing. 

I've found that, when I'm sucking the life and affirmation out of my husband in order to attempt to validate & make me feel like a whole person.... it doesn't work out. (I mean, he really loves it n' all... #not.)

And now that I don't necessarily have a tangible husband to suck the life out of, I have a few choices. 

1) Either crumble and be defeated. 

2) Use this time, this time where I have so much time, to secure my undivided attention on the only TRUE source of security, affirmation, validation, and hope. 

Hm. I choose 2, because

My hope is built on nothing less. 

And finally, I end with some encouragement that a beautiful friend named Mary graciously reminded me of...

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..." 

Hebrews 6:19

That hope has a Name, and it's the Name above every Name. 

And He's my friend. 

And he's got this yucky, painful, unnatural phase of life in His hands. 

Time for me to rest in that.