Unfortunately, recent seasons of life have allowed myself to let satan win.
Of course, we have victory in Jesus & he never wins... so the only way that I consider him to "win" in my life are in regards to my thought-life & the lies that I choose to allow myself to listen to (and believe) & run around & make tracks in my mind.
I let him make tracks that he shouldn't be making in my mind.
I think when you go through a season like that, and STAY in a season like that, you experience pretty severe defeat, laziness, self-absorption, fear and false humility.
Tonight I randomly stumbled across a sermon of one of my favorite speakers & it absolutely floored me.
Husb is away on a trip - a night as a single gal lures with temptations of TV shows and movies and after having a gluttonous fill of those, I mosey'ed my way onto youtube & God's grace met me right there.
Because He's so awesome like that.
I'm finding myself, despite feeling the heavy weight of this "dry" season (that that term), sensing an occasional strong relief mostly when Jesus becomes, once again, the center.
To live in a state where you make Jesus the center one day and then continue for the rest of the days to live without the intentional knowledge & re-affirmation of who He is and what He's done, you start to slip. Slipping leads to falling and falling leads to laziness and laziness leads to not wanting to get back up and not wanting to get back up leads to shame and shame leads lies and lies lead to guilt and guilt separates everything.
I've felt convicted lately, to live more.
To live from a place that's deeper, richer, solely grounded on and found in Christ alone.
Where discipline becomes less about discipline and more about a heart-sick devotion.
I love the sound of that and I love that that can really be mine, because He's really who He says He is.
I want that.
I hate where I'm at now, I'm getting ready to dig up these tracks and shuffle around the paths in my head, hoping for them to fall right where they need to -- at the foot of the Cross.
Sometimes I have those weird moments in life, in looking over and deeply into what I believe, that whole "what the whaaaaaat?" feeling of what I believe.
The foot of the Cross? God became man? Man saved us from hell? Hell exists? There's life after death? Jesus resurrected from the dead? satan kills, steals and destroys? You mean fairytales, psychic stuff???
It's crazy. Absolutely crazy.
But when I go through seasons that I've been in - seasons where Jesus is far from my center and lies trump truths & fear becomes a friend - I hit these glimpses of life - surrounded by Him - that leave me ENRICHED and make me come ALIVE in the midst of death and hardened hearts.
These "fairytales" that some make fun of, literally become my source of LIFE. And are anything but made-up.
When I allow the love that Jesus has for me to really go DEEP and RESONATE within my heart, it changes stuff.
It fills empty places.
It restores broken feelings.
It heals destructive memories.
It covers shame.
It quiets lies.
It shakes off my DEAD and brings me to LIFE again.
Choosing to live a life apart from Jesus is terrifying to me.
Of course, I sometimes unconsciously may do it.
When actions are called out & words are spoken that you can't take back & instead of a heart of repentance, there's a heart of entitlement.
The Holy Spirit nudges and of course I'm convicted by I cling to my "dignity."
I stay stay stay in the same place.
Low low low.
Slipping, falling, shame. Lies.
The sermon I heard tonight has, once again, rocked me.
The speaker, who I love with basically my whole heart, painted a picture of Jesus that leaves us broken, hurting, prideful, vain people undeniably, once again, in awe & pursued.
That's who He is, that's what He does, this Jesus.
Peter says in 1 Peter 1:18-19 that we, HIS people, were not redeemed by perishable things like silver or gold, but rather, we were redeemed BY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST.
Again, silly? Awkward? Morbid?
REVOLUTIONARY to me.
Nothing but the blood.
Completely and wholly redeemed.
Where seasons of life where I feel like I live in a continual place of defeat DO NOT define who I am.
Where self-help books all seem to fall short in the midst of realizing, again, who Christ is and who you are to Him.
When the worship song, Man of Sorrows, paints the picture of His love for you and makes you want to curl up in a ball and weep.
I'm so mumbling right now, on a huge rant, but I'm just so so grateful.
This continues to be my story.
I journaled (word?) the other day, and basically started the entry being brutally honest and telling God that I think my relationship with Him is pretty much a roller-coaster and at that point, I'd rather get off the ride than keep going through the loops.
Up & down.
Close & far.
Trust & fear.
Truth & lies.
Confidence & shame.
Season after season.
I so am dying to be the person who has it all together - the perfect words to say, the innate discipline that literally FULLY DEPENDS on His every word and His thick presence in order to LIVE.
I am so dying to be the person who doesn't struggle with silly, baby-Christian crap like fear, pride, insecurity, shame, pride.
I am so dying to LEAVE the things that I lay at the Cross just, there.
This continues to be my story.
And as I make a come-back now, in this season, on this night, choosing - (a g a i n) - to surrender what little imagination of control I have to Him and only Him - (a g a i n) - He's there.
He's ALWAYS there.
Every faithful.
Never changing.
Slow to anger; quick to love.
QUICK. TO. LOVE
And it's in these "coming-backs" that I am reminded, once again and in complete conviction, that Jesus and His word is the very opposite of fairytales.
It has little to do with being pretty and perfect and in la-la land and head over heels in love with a perfect, mess-up-free happy ending into the sunset.
No.
Jesus is real.
A Man who died. Who came BACK TO LIFE after DYING.
Who DID IT, because He loves loves loves us.
More than Mr. Darcy loves Elizabeth.
More than anybody has ever loved anybody.
Tonight I'm coming back and choosing to believe that.
Over every other lie.
Making Him the center, rather than fooling myself into thinking that anything else even COULD be the center.
Jesus at the center.
satan, don't mess with me.
Jesus at the center.
A rock I can stand on.
We're making a come-back, folks.
And that's so, SO ok with Him. And with me.
