When I was growing up, I thought my greatest strength was communication.
I prided myself in being able to meet someone and know about their family life, where they came from, what school they went to, what they wanted to do in their future, whether or not they loved Jesus, why they did or didn't love Him, whether they're a dog/cat person, how many kids they want to have, their favorite food, color and favorite number within the first 5 minutes of conversation.
I'm not even kidding.
I loved (and still love) this "interview/21 questions style" of communication so much that I truly can say that my dream (probably still to this day) is to do EXACTLY what Oprah does; sit on a couch, across from another interesting person, and find out everything there is to know about them. Talk about them all day long... LEARN about who they are!
Because to be honest, I'm obsessed with peoples' stories & their emotions....
WHY are you the way you are? WHY do you love that type of music? WHY do you hate the church? WHY do you want to be a doctor when you grow up? WHY did you leave home? WHY are you so optimistic all the time? WHY do you struggle with other peoples' opinions?
WHAT makes you tick and WHY??
Are you kidding me? Look at these amazing communication skills!!!
I am the COMM-QUEEEEEN!!!!!!
And we all know that "COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY" when it comes to marriage.
It's the "most. important. thing." in marriage.
So I went into marriage with the (jaded) perception that I was gonna kick my marriage in the butt.
In the best way possible.
Because when communication is your strength, you can accomplish EVERYTHING.
So then I get married.
And suddenly I'm past the "interview/21 questions style" of communication with my husband & we're down to REAL LIFE, FACE TO FACE, beautiful & ugly realms of marriage where communication just so happens to require a higher number than 21 & a deeper level than what is typically achieved in a 5 minute interview.
Suddenly I know everything about this man - his story, his past, his favorites, his regrets, his love languages - and that cutesy part is SO over and I get rudely introduced to a (somewhat HUGE) part of communication called "C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N" and suddenly my "greatest strength" in life is actually a cruel, funny joke.
I'm serious when I say this..... that the sudden realization, of realizing your "greatest strength" is actually your "greatest area of pathetic-ness...." is paaaaaainfully humbling.
And if it doesn't humble you, it absolutely shames you.
I went from "girl who has it all together" to "girl who has the maturity level of a 3 year old when it comes to daily marital 'fun."
Luckily - actually, luck has nothing to do with GRACE so.... Gracefully, God gave me this man.
Now, I really believe that every single family on earth has some level of dysfunction.
Whether it's blatantly obvious dysfunction - abuse, divorce, addiction...
or "publicly secret" dysfunction - stuffers, complete surface-level "intimacy," neurotic perfectionism, hidden anger...
every. family. deals.
That being said, I must say that my family is seriously awesome.
My parents are far from perfect but so perfectly fit for me.
My siblings are cool and the older they get the cooler they get.
I was raised to love truth and hate sin and look adults in the eye and be confident in who God made me, inside & out.
My social strengths were encouraged and my weaknesses were covered by love & I'm grateful for this family of mine that I did nothing to deserve.
Amazing, yes.
Perfect, NO.
Dysfunction - absolutely hidden.
Billy's family visibly displayed their dysfunction, however, with this terrible thing called divorce.
His parents divorced when he was about 13 and many of the scars of that security-shift shaped him into who he is today.
It's his story.
The dysfunction is real and obvious and much of his identity for a long time was rooted in it.
However, the irony of my "outwardly perfect" upbringing compared to his "outwardly broken" upbringing does NOT escape me.
Both families were amazing.
Both families were dysfunctional in some regard.
Both families produced strengths and weaknesses in us that truly shape and make us who were are today.
And, in spite of the "perfect vs. imperfect" contrast that really can define our family life... the experiences we were put through absolutely are bearing fruit - good and bad - in our marriage today.
Examples?
Let's start with my Bill.
The constant conflict that a typical divorced family experiences is what made my husband INCREDIBLY gifted at his conflict/resolution skills.
His patience, wisdom and kindness in the midst of a heated conflict is perhaps the most visible evidence of God's grace in my life.
And, in spite of the "perfect vs. imperfect" contrast that really can define our family life... the experiences we were put through absolutely are bearing fruit - good and bad - in our marriage today.
Examples?
Let's start with my Bill.
The constant conflict that a typical divorced family experiences is what made my husband INCREDIBLY gifted at his conflict/resolution skills.
His patience, wisdom and kindness in the midst of a heated conflict is perhaps the most visible evidence of God's grace in my life.
The shame & insecurities he experienced as a 13 year old boy who watched his parent's marriage fall apart and felt the weight of the world on his shoulders as he stepped into the "man of the house" responsibility of the oldest son... has given him his absolutely tender, yet strong, heart.
The hell-ish years through the divorce and the pain he felt and saw, gave him the desire to treasure, protect and nurture his future marriage above anything and everything.
Do you see it?
The practice he had - due to a broken marriage and a pained childhood - is reaping TEN-FOLD in his relationship today.
Strengths, and grace, and true BEAUTY - from the broken pieces.
Really, only God can do that.
Now, to be fair, let's look at my life.
Again, outwardly pretty freakin' awesome.
And inwardly, there was so so so much awesome too.
However, the "conflict" I experienced in my family, due to the "publicly secret" dysfunction, involved a whole lot of anger, explosions, and rug sweeping to finish it off.
All of those conflict-resolution tricks you learn in pre-marriage counseling were pretty brand-spanking new to me to say the least.
My "outwardly perfect" life, although it shaped me and my identity in a truly blessed way, did NOT aid too much when it came to the way I handle my anger in a relationship.
SO.
Fast forward through life.
And if you've read any of my previous marriage blog, you know how the story goes.
But to summarize - and to emphasize the ironic grace - it looks like this.
The girl from the "perfect" family with the "amazing" communication skills realizes that her "greatest strength" is actually the opposite and an area that will destroy her marriage - and the man she married - completely.
Meanwhile, the boy from the "dysfunctional family," full of conflict and full of pain, who was raised in a far from perfect home and had to work through insecurity and identity issues that were embedded from the divorce, was God's greatest evidence of grace in the marriage that was continually hurt by the girl's explosive cycle of anger and shame.
Isn't that weird?
The skills learned from the broken life completely carried the hurting marriage through to wholeness?
And the lack of skills learned in the "secretly dysfunctional" upbringing absolutely surprised the girl from the perfect family who thought her greatest strength would make this marriage so easy??
It's amazing to me.
And truly humbling.
First, completely shameful.
But as time has progressed, and we're 3.5 years into this marriage thing, the humility replaced the shame and the grace covers.
The grace always covers.
I'm still learning even more about this communication thing, and I'm blessed to learn so much from the communication expert that I call my husband.
When I'm hurt in a relationship, I tend to get angry, defensive, and retreat.
My innate nature is to blame, and then isolate.
The fact that I'd rather sever or distance relationships rather than address offenses or issues is not only a product of my upbringing, but just immaturity in general.
This is in no ways an area that I've mastered; in fact, even recent events allowed myself to fall back into this familiar trend of "you hurt me so I'm going to never care about anything you do to me ever again, adios forEVER!"
This recent event made me super upset and, since I'd rather NOT deal with the issue by expressing how my feelings got hurt by that other person TO that other person, I decided to try to sweep it under the rug and just "forget it."
My husband, however, in all his wisdom and maturity, lovingly reminded me how stupid I was acting and how I, as the older person (aka supposedly more mature) person in the relationship, should communicate about my hurt feeling and discuss with that person how, what they did was in fact not ok.
I told him I could handle it, but lo and behold... a week came and went and just thinking about it again really pissed me off.
So I bit the bullet and called and expressed what I was feeling and how unappreciated I felt and blady-blah... and OH MY WORD...
It was FREEING!
I'm slowly seeing how held up bitterness towards another person is EXACTLY what satan wants us to do.
I also recently heard from Bill's Uncle, a man a truly respect, that "the bait of satan is 'offense.'"
HOW TRUE IS THIS?
I allow myself to get offended, in some cases very easily, and I choose to respond to that offense by doing exactly what satan wants us to do - SEVER any and all relationships!
This is NOT good!
And I got to experience the pure beauty and grace and POWER OF RECONCILIATION in this particular event that had truly left me feeling extremely hurt.
A hurt, an offense, that I chose to embrace and allow to fully develop in the relationship in the form of "drifting apart."
This is NOT what I believe that we - as people who want to look like, act like, be like and worship this living God-Man named Jesus - are called to do.
SO.
To wrap up this blog-post.... lessons I've learned.
Jesus loves me so much.
It's this love that shows me lessons that I must learn in order to grow.
Sometimes what you think is a strength is actually a covered up weakness; learning to embrace those weaknesses produces more of Him in you.
Weakness doesn't have to be a shameful thing... it can be a Jesus thing - and that's the best thing because that's where the grace is!
A broken life needing grace is better than a perfect life without it.
Jesus can redeem anything - divorce, abuse, pain. He redeems and He restores and He loves us into His image.
Relationships are TRUE treasure. Valuing relationships above pride or ego brings freedom.
Offense really is the bait of satan; offense gives him a foothold of pride and pride makes your heart so ugly.
Doing hard things - like calling up someone and admitting that your feelings got hurt - can be painful and yet can bring so much beauty. Make the call.
It takes humility to admit you're wrong, or you need to change. Jump into that humility, I'm serious, JUMP!
~
I'm grateful for my strengths and even now, more grateful for these weaknesses that I see more and more popping up in my life.
Marriage is so good at that, ya know? Bringing you face to face to stuff you always imagined you had straightened out... only to find your ducks aren't all in a row and you need to start at square one again:
C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N.
:)
It's fun to be a child-like.
It's fun to realize you have a LONG way to go...
It's fun to know that you'll never have it figured out and it's ok.
It's fun to find that HE fills in the gaps in your life; those big, ugly gaps that many people call WEAKNESS.
God fills in those "weakness" gaps and growth happens and suddenly...
the broken become chosen.
The hell-ish years through the divorce and the pain he felt and saw, gave him the desire to treasure, protect and nurture his future marriage above anything and everything.
Do you see it?
The practice he had - due to a broken marriage and a pained childhood - is reaping TEN-FOLD in his relationship today.
Strengths, and grace, and true BEAUTY - from the broken pieces.
Really, only God can do that.
Now, to be fair, let's look at my life.
Again, outwardly pretty freakin' awesome.
And inwardly, there was so so so much awesome too.
However, the "conflict" I experienced in my family, due to the "publicly secret" dysfunction, involved a whole lot of anger, explosions, and rug sweeping to finish it off.
All of those conflict-resolution tricks you learn in pre-marriage counseling were pretty brand-spanking new to me to say the least.
My "outwardly perfect" life, although it shaped me and my identity in a truly blessed way, did NOT aid too much when it came to the way I handle my anger in a relationship.
SO.
Fast forward through life.
And if you've read any of my previous marriage blog, you know how the story goes.
But to summarize - and to emphasize the ironic grace - it looks like this.
The girl from the "perfect" family with the "amazing" communication skills realizes that her "greatest strength" is actually the opposite and an area that will destroy her marriage - and the man she married - completely.
Meanwhile, the boy from the "dysfunctional family," full of conflict and full of pain, who was raised in a far from perfect home and had to work through insecurity and identity issues that were embedded from the divorce, was God's greatest evidence of grace in the marriage that was continually hurt by the girl's explosive cycle of anger and shame.
Isn't that weird?
The skills learned from the broken life completely carried the hurting marriage through to wholeness?
And the lack of skills learned in the "secretly dysfunctional" upbringing absolutely surprised the girl from the perfect family who thought her greatest strength would make this marriage so easy??
It's amazing to me.
And truly humbling.
First, completely shameful.
But as time has progressed, and we're 3.5 years into this marriage thing, the humility replaced the shame and the grace covers.
The grace always covers.
I'm still learning even more about this communication thing, and I'm blessed to learn so much from the communication expert that I call my husband.
When I'm hurt in a relationship, I tend to get angry, defensive, and retreat.
My innate nature is to blame, and then isolate.
The fact that I'd rather sever or distance relationships rather than address offenses or issues is not only a product of my upbringing, but just immaturity in general.
This is in no ways an area that I've mastered; in fact, even recent events allowed myself to fall back into this familiar trend of "you hurt me so I'm going to never care about anything you do to me ever again, adios forEVER!"
This recent event made me super upset and, since I'd rather NOT deal with the issue by expressing how my feelings got hurt by that other person TO that other person, I decided to try to sweep it under the rug and just "forget it."
My husband, however, in all his wisdom and maturity, lovingly reminded me how stupid I was acting and how I, as the older person (aka supposedly more mature) person in the relationship, should communicate about my hurt feeling and discuss with that person how, what they did was in fact not ok.
I told him I could handle it, but lo and behold... a week came and went and just thinking about it again really pissed me off.
So I bit the bullet and called and expressed what I was feeling and how unappreciated I felt and blady-blah... and OH MY WORD...
It was FREEING!
I'm slowly seeing how held up bitterness towards another person is EXACTLY what satan wants us to do.
I also recently heard from Bill's Uncle, a man a truly respect, that "the bait of satan is 'offense.'"
HOW TRUE IS THIS?
I allow myself to get offended, in some cases very easily, and I choose to respond to that offense by doing exactly what satan wants us to do - SEVER any and all relationships!
This is NOT good!
And I got to experience the pure beauty and grace and POWER OF RECONCILIATION in this particular event that had truly left me feeling extremely hurt.
A hurt, an offense, that I chose to embrace and allow to fully develop in the relationship in the form of "drifting apart."
This is NOT what I believe that we - as people who want to look like, act like, be like and worship this living God-Man named Jesus - are called to do.
SO.
To wrap up this blog-post.... lessons I've learned.
Jesus loves me so much.
It's this love that shows me lessons that I must learn in order to grow.
Sometimes what you think is a strength is actually a covered up weakness; learning to embrace those weaknesses produces more of Him in you.
Weakness doesn't have to be a shameful thing... it can be a Jesus thing - and that's the best thing because that's where the grace is!
A broken life needing grace is better than a perfect life without it.
Jesus can redeem anything - divorce, abuse, pain. He redeems and He restores and He loves us into His image.
Relationships are TRUE treasure. Valuing relationships above pride or ego brings freedom.
Offense really is the bait of satan; offense gives him a foothold of pride and pride makes your heart so ugly.
Doing hard things - like calling up someone and admitting that your feelings got hurt - can be painful and yet can bring so much beauty. Make the call.
It takes humility to admit you're wrong, or you need to change. Jump into that humility, I'm serious, JUMP!
~
I'm grateful for my strengths and even now, more grateful for these weaknesses that I see more and more popping up in my life.
Marriage is so good at that, ya know? Bringing you face to face to stuff you always imagined you had straightened out... only to find your ducks aren't all in a row and you need to start at square one again:
C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N.
:)
It's fun to be a child-like.
It's fun to realize you have a LONG way to go...
It's fun to know that you'll never have it figured out and it's ok.
It's fun to find that HE fills in the gaps in your life; those big, ugly gaps that many people call WEAKNESS.
God fills in those "weakness" gaps and growth happens and suddenly...
the broken become chosen.
