Veteran's Day -- Honoring the Lyon.

Today is Veteran's Day. 

Typically on Veteran's day, I like to re-post a blog I wrote four (!!) years ago as a brand new military wife, who had suddenly realized on a deeper level the meaning of this November day we celebrate. 

(Entitled "Freedom isn't Free", and can be found here.)

I went back to re-read this old blog early this morning and it was pretty special... I laughed... I cried... I smiled at the cute, naive, sweet innocence that was intentionally trying to dive into the deep parts of what it means to sacrifice to serve. What it means to "celebrate Veteran's day."

Well exactly four years have passed since I wrote down those thoughts and, safe to say, a lot has changed. 

A lot of life has been experienced. 

A lot of separation has happened. 

A lot of tears have been shed. 

A lot of longing has been felt.

A lot of fears have been faced.

And the reality of the pain that is associated with sacrifice has hit me in very, very deep ways. 

Deeper than a brand new military bride could understand, I'm afraid. 

In an attempt to summarize the lessons learned and life lived over the last four years.... here are some quick STAINBACK STATS:

In the last 4 years...

 I've been separated from my husband for almost 2 years total.

I've experienced 3 deployments. 

I've celebrated 2 military promotions. 

I've lost sleep & gotten stomach ulcers over finding out what our next assignment would be. (damn you drop night!) 

I've cheered on my husband as went from knowing NOTHING about flying a plane, to flying a rather large, billion dollar aircraft with confidence.

I've felt the pain of missing my family and my forever home.

I've gone through 4 moves. (and I've gone through 4 times of having to convince my husband to let me paint for each of those moves!)

I've learned approximately 3409803 acronyms... or at least have attempted to.

I've felt the anger of hating the Air Force for making my husband miss ____. 

I've had to process the fear that fires up with an approaching deployment and worked through the reality that I might not see my husband again as I watch him run to his plane.

I've felt the desperate hope of praying for a miracle, to find Capt Luc Gruenther alive after his fighter plane crashed.

I've felt the hopelessness of praying for a miracle and finding out God had other plans.

I've felt the enjoyment of feeling butterflies when your husband comes home after a long trip!

I've felt the worry of wondering... where will I be living in 2 years? What state will our kids be born in? Will I find a good church there? Will we have friends?

I've felt the loss of missing out on special once-in-a-lifetime family/friend stuff.

I've felt the awkwardness of having to make new friends as an adult, hoping people like me and having to be the "new kid" every few years. So fun!!! (not.)

I've felt the annoyance of not knowing what career to pursue because... what if this state doesn't accept online degrees for this career? Blah blah blahhhh.

I've experienced the utter joy of meeting of the best people in New Jersey that I believe will be my lifelong friends no matter where we go next. 

These are snippets of what it means to be a military wife, at least in my experience... 

Both beauty and pain. 

Both excitement and fear. 

All seasons cause growth and the more I live in it, the more I learn about myself and realize how much about life I DON'T KNOW!!!! (crazy right?) 

And how much about life I WANT TO CONTROL... but I CAN'T!!!! 

Maybe God chose this path for me, because my inner control-freak runs out of options in this military life of unknowns. :)

It's a good thing - but not all good things are easy things, mind you.

For me, as was the case four years ago, Veterans day is a day of remembering, recognizing, and honoring the sacrifices of our brave and truly incredible United States Military.

Of course I'm blessed to be married to a man who's chosen to serve, and while I believe the Air Force IS THE BEST THERE COULD BE.... I know how much ALL branches, all areas of service, all have sacrificed and it is, and always will be, a HUGE deal to me. 

My above list of  "sacrifices" - though very real and important to me personally - absolutely pale in comparison to what today is truly about. 

And that being said, I want to share one unreal experience that I had last year; the experience that is the main reason I look back on my old blog and have to smile at brand-new-military-bride innocent Jocelyn perspective that I read earlier today... 

Yes, I've felt sacrifices/frustrations/excitement/fear/sadness/anticipation/anxiety/encouragement/hope/joy from this military adventure Bill & I are on.

But last December 27th, I felt the "pain" (talk about an understatement) and utter gut-wrenching, complete despair when I learned out that Captain Dave Lyon was killed by a suicide bomber in Afghanistan.

I was casually looking through Facebook and saw an old Academy friend who had mentioned something about proposing "A Toast" and mentioned the pain of losing an old friend, someone so close..." I was confused because I had run in circles with these USAFA cadet girlfriends (at the time) specifically and we all knew the same "old friends" from the Academy days... I got a little nervous as I kept looking through facebook wondering if it was someone I knew? My worst fear. 

Then I saw the article, "Peterson AFB Airmen killed in Afghanistan." With Dave's picture; my nightmare confirmed. 

I absolutely lost it. Complete panic attack, couldn't breathe, sobbing with every ounce and fiber of my being, I couldn't speak. I couldn't open my eyes because they were swollen shut by the sobs. I was shaking uncontrollably as Bill held me, and even the memory of those first few moments of finding out brings tears to my eyes even now.

 It was, by FAR the worst, worst pain and heartache I've ever felt in my life. My grief was just a fraction of what, I'm sure, she felt at that time. And that breaks my heart so much for my dear friend that I had just recently gotten back in touch with.

I knew Dave briefly from his later days at the Academy through Dana, who was a close friend of mine through mutual cadet pals. 

Dana first introduced me to him before they were dating as her crush, and my first thought was, "what a STUD!" 

I had a few more encounters with him and quickly learned that he was a very VERY kind person, a natural default leader and I loved watching from a distance how much he was smitten with Dana! 

Dave was HUGE, a killer athlete, and the perfect "gentle giant" match for the equally studly, athletic amazing and strong woman that was Dana Lbs or D-Pounds at the time. :) 

On December 27th, 2013, Dave was serving out his year-long deployment in Afghanistan with the Combined Joint Special Operations Task Force from the Logistics Readiness Squadron in Colorado Springs. His girl Dana was also deployed in Afghanistan at the same time but at a different base; the last day she saw him was on Christmas when they got to spend the day together. They worked out (because they're studs), then parted ways and looked forward to March 6th, 2014, the day when they'd finally be able to come home from their long deployments together. 

On December 30th, Dave's body was flown from Afghanistan to Dover Air Force Base. 

The day before they left Afghanistan, Dana shared this picture and wrote this:

"Our last supper, Christmas Day 25 December, 2013 at Camp Phoenix--Kabul, AFG.

I got to spend 48 hours with the most incredible man in the world, the absolute love of my life, best friend and leader.

These last 3 days have been the longest most miserable days of my life. We will soon be on our "Freedom Flight" home where he will he will receive the highest honors in a Dignified Transfer ceremony; certainly gives a whole new meaning to the word 'freedom.'

I will lay next to him, his casket draped with our Nation's flag and worship our Lord and Savior one last time with him. I'm bringing the love of my life home today, once my leader and protector--now God's mighty warrior. I know he is with Jesus and feels no pain.

Thank you all, each and everyone of you, for your prayers of love, support, comfort and encouragement.

For that 8 hour flight back to the states, I don't know what else to do but join him in singing, "Holy, Holy, Holy... Is The Lord God almighty..."

I don't know that I'd ever in my life, respected, admired and looked up to someone more than Dana. 

If I ever doubted God's goodness in the midst of the valley... Dana's testimony of HIM - literally IN THE MOMENT of laying next to her husband's coffin - has forever changed me. 

No words. 

Bill & I were blessed to be able to be there at Dover AFB to honor his sacrifice, hug Dana and welcome Dave home, back to the country he was protecting and gave his life for. 

I can't really express the heart ache felt as I stood behind Dana, hearing her sob through a salute to Dave; standing honorably on the flight-line as her husband's coffin was transferred off the plane - the ultimate sacrifice. 

So today, is Veteran's Day. 

A solid 4 years since this day first started meaning something to me... a solid 4 years of personal peaks and valleys all in the wake of a life of "service." 

And today, 4 years later, I humbly want to honor Dave Lyon.

 Because never before have I so perfectly seen the REASON for today. 

And I will never forget the power of the incredible man who touched SO. MANY lives... evidence of that is clearly seen in the thousands who attended his memorial service and funeral in January 2014. 

I want to share some thing's about Dave so you could know him a little better, because he was so awesome: 

Dana said, "He was passionate about life, he was passionate about serving in the military and its mission. 

He was all-in about his people, he knew he wanted to bring the best out of everyone because he knew it took a team to accomplish the mission; that's the quality of the man and leader he was. 

His passion for people and relationships did not fade out of uniform. He was a gatherer of people, he either saw the potential in someone or wanted to find it and help them achieve it. 

He absolutely made me a better woman, just as he helped others achieve their goals. I hope people continue to share his story because he set a great example; it's so unfortunate the good ones go early but I was blessed to be his wife if only for five short years." 

(http://www.afspc.af.mil/news1/story.asp?id=123416713)

And his commander during deployment also spoke so very highly of this incredible man:

 "He was a man of great presence and of great impact, not only contributing to the mission but he was a man of incredible integrity and character. 

He was exceptional working with the Afghans, it was a very difficult job. 

He seemed to just have a gift for everything he did and he made a tremendous difference in our mission. 

As a small team, everyone knew [David Lyon]. 

When we lost Dave on Dec. 27, it was devastating to our unit. If someone who is joining the Air Force wants a role-model, this is the man. He was intelligent, physically fit, morally straight, compassionate and tough as nails." 

(http://www.afspc.af.mil/news1/story.asp?id=123416713)

Dave was and forever will be an INCREDIBLE person, friend, husband and child of the King of Kings.
As Dana says, he was taken home too soon and yet, the impact he's had and continues to have is truly an amazing LEGACY.
Pure sacrifice - Christ-like sacrifice.

THIS is the reason we honor this day. 

THIS is what sacrifice is. 

NEVER be numb to it.

 NEVER forget.

 NEVER let it not tug on your heart and spur up a feeling of gratefulness.

Freedom truly isn't free... it is bought from the lives of men like Dave who bravely made their lives about loving other people more than themselves... serving the people of the United States AND Afghanistan and doing so with courage, integrity and strength. 

I honor you today Dave and Dana. 

No words will ever be enough to express the impact you both have made and are making for the Kingdom, and Bill and I admire you from the bottom of our hearts. 

We love you. 

Handing Over My Forevers:::

I am waiting on You. 
You say You're good to those who wait. 
My heart's discouraged, so I come to You expectant. 
You say You're good to those who wait...

Lord today, You know what I need to do. 
But You can do more in my waiting, than in my doing I could do...
So I won't run anymore..
I'm waiting on You.

Oh wretched man that I am, free me from my distractions!
You say You're good to those who wait. 
Let confession and repentance find me in the quiet...
Now I know You're good to those who wait.

Lord, today, You know what I need to do...
But You could do more in my waiting... than in my doing I could do...
So I won't run anymore. 
I'm waiting on You...

Oh my soul, wait on the Lord! 
Keep your lamp filled with oil!
Oh my soul, be not deceived!
Wait for Him, don't be quick to leave!

Oh my soul, WAIT ON THE LORD! 
Keep your Lamp filled with oil! 
Oh my soul, be no deceived!
Wait for Him, DON'T BE QUICK TO LEAVE!
Don't be quick to leave!

Cause' Lord today You KNOW what I need to do! 
But I know You can do more in my waiting, than in my doing I could do! 


"To Those Who Wait" - Bethany Dillon
----------

A beautiful confession. 

This song has brought me to tears lately as I'm driving around doing all the things I need to do. 

The bridge gets my heart every time... "Keep your lamp filled with oil... oh my soul, be not deceived, wait for Him- don't be quick to leave!" 

and then the sad/INCREDIBLE TRUTH that: 

"[He] could do MORE in my WAITING, than in my DOING I could DO." 

I guess this perspective flattens some things: my pride, my desire to be impressed with efficiency and my longing to perform for God. 

He could do more in my waiting than in my doing I could do. 

What does He do in my waiting? 

Well, lately He's been showing me a lot of insane, "baby Christian"-stuff. 

Though I'm hesitant to share... because I feel in many ways this is probably, like, Christianity 101 and I've actually been a Christian for almost 15 years so this shouldn't be a new, awe inspiring revelation to me but... 

In my waiting, He's been showing me the power of repentance. 

Again, I know no fireworks are going off and I know no theologians or renowned Pastors are running over small children to eagerly take notes on this topic of repentance that's recently become alive to me...

nothing new...

and yet, where I'm at... everything new. 

Bill's been gone on this third deployment for almost 2 weeks and typically, week 1 is where the pathetic-ness of Jocelyn reaches an all time high (or is it low??)

I become somewhat of a (total) recluse. My motivation for doing anything is non-existent, my desire to be friends with people is gone and I choose to numb myself by watching hours of stupid tv shows that I find incredibly boring but still force myself to watch anyways because that's better than showering or being around people.

Tears. Chocolate. TV shows. Repeat.

So we're somewhat past that stage - by the grace of God- and we're onto a more motivated, healthier way of living. Healthy living truly is grounded in a vivid awareness & seeking of the presence of God in your life, so you can cue the intentionality (is that a word? NOPE.) that prioritizes itself when I'm seeking Jesus' face in prayer and through His word which is very much alive.

Letting my very, very dry soul drink from the Living Water.

And I wait. And He reminds in my waiting.

The thought process on this specific topic of the power of repentance started a couple months ago when I was sitting at the feet of a woman I truly love named Beth Moore. She said, "when we lose the word repentance, we lose the word revival!" 

Yikes. 

The word "revival" means (via dictionary.com): 

- restoration to life, consciousness, vigor, strength, etc. 

- an awakening in a church/community

and, my personal favorite: 

- a new production of an old play. 

I love that. 

"A new production of an old play." 

As far as I'm concerned, this old play is is desperate need of a new script. 

I want my life to give LIFE.
I want to be CONFORMED into the image of my Savior! He is LIFE! 

I want my words to give life, I want my thoughts to give life, I want my relationships to give life, I want my heart to give life, I want my times with Jesus to re-instill LIFE in my heart! 

The only way I can do that - have TRUE LIFE REVIVAL - is with REPENTANCE!!!!

Huge.

So.

What has God been doing in my waiting? 

Well, for starters, He's shown me the importance of paying attention to myself. 

Isn't that weird to read? 

Explanation:

When I'm not paying attention to myself, I don't REALIZE the CONDITION that my heart can be in. 

I'm not AWARE of the ugliness of my sin. 

I've not allowed the NECESSITY OF REPENTANCE to be the impulsive reaction to sin in my life. 

That's crazy! 

Know yourselves people! 

Know what makes you tick and what makes you not look like Jesus and what makes the enemy delighted and what ugly things grasp onto your heart!
Know, and be vigilantly AWARE of what areas of darkness are having victory in your life! 

Don't have a PASSIVE life - be ACTIVE in knowing your heart, paying attention to your thoughts and reactions and impulsive responses. They're there and they speak VOLUMES of what's going on deep down in the layers.

The ugly fact of the matter is that repentance has been so very little prioritized in my life. 

I maybe repent of a few of my sins every, random month or so? Maybe when they do another altar call or communion every once in a while? It's lame, truly. 

But when Beth said those words, along with encouraging us to "make repentance our best friend!" - I started dwelling on the power of it and connecting the dots to how repentance is the answer to some of the radical change I've been desiring to see in my own heart.

I've realized that when you keep fighting the same ugly thing over and over... and over and over and over again years later.... maybe you aren't really fighting it at all.

Maybe you're letting your pride get in the way and trying to man-handle the ugly thing to the ground... only to let it resurrect in another light or circumstance.

To be honest, I want to live with an awareness of myself like this example... from a BM tweet:
"yesterday on the way home from work, a caught a nauseating whiff of a judgmental spirit in myself and nearly threw up in my mouth..." 

This brings TEARS to my eyes!

I'm realizing that, I have this darkness and sin issues in my heart, but instead of allowing them to make me physically sick, I sometimes am not even AWARE of them which leads to me FEEDING them! 

Does that make sense? 

In my waiting, God's shown me how much I DON'T SEE ABOUT MYSELF! 

How much I DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE the bad fruit that is NOT from His Spirit!

How I ALLOW judgmental thoughts rule my life, how I am OK with gossip or jealousy, how I get consumed with comparing myself to others and allowing my short-comings be fueled by pride. How I allow doubt to plant its seeds in my heart. Ugly ugly ugly.

And I don't even ACKNOWLEDGE THESE SINS and CALL THEM OUT FOR WHAT THEY ARE, much less repent of them and change my ways! 

Without repentance, I LIVE LIKE THIS! 

I LIVE in my own filth! 

I FEED my OWN SIN! 

I LITERALLY FIGHT THE SAME BATTLES & STRUGGLES OVER AND OVER AND OVER! 

But, in my waiting, He's showing me: I don't have to live like this.

There is FREEDOM in the Spirit.

There is MATURITY in waiting. 

There is REVIVAL available to my heart... there's a way to make this old play into a new, life-giving, fruit-rendering production. 

But there's no revival without repentance. 

And without repentance, my condition is irreversible. 

And here we are... He can do more in my waiting.

So I (finally) stop doing. 

I sit. I wait. 

My husband is gone so the only distractions I have, truly, are the ones I let rule my life. *cough Insta/FB cough*

So, I clean house. 

And I'm here. 

Alone. Waiting. 

And waiting. 

And confession begins and repentance begins. 

And the pleading of awareness of sins that I'm not even aware of right now begins. 

And the spirit moves. 

And my ugly is exposed to MYSELF, finally.

And I mourn my sin.

And I cry some tears. 

And I renew my heart.

And I hand over authority of my heart and emotions and actions and dreams and desires to the living Man who gave up everything to reverse my condition.

*tears*

And I have to trust that He's working in my life.

And the thing is that I have to do this every single day. 

The day that I don't is the day that I'm ruled by my flesh. 

The day I don't give true authority to HIS SPIRIT is the day that I choose myself as my master... and that is never EVER a good day. 

So it begins. I make a covenant to my King to grant Him authority to my life, again and forever.

And tomorrow, I'll give Him my forever again. 

And the next day, hand over my forever. 

And every day. 

"Jesus, King of my life, You have my today and my forever. Make me look like You, for Your Glory and Your Renown." 

And it never stops, and that's truly amazing.

Because friends, He is so, so good.

He is SO quick to forgive.
He's quick to take our repentant mutterings and make the sin whiter than snow.

He's quick to restore. Even restore unto Himself. 

He is quick to remind us who we are in Him and He is SO VERY SLOW to anger. 

He allows His quiet whisper to speak loudly - LOUDER - over the accuser...

The accuser says:

"you're gonna fail, again... no way you can change, you keep trying but the ugly inside of you will never leave..."

and His voice whispers over...

"I have you. I'm with you. I'm alive in you and I love you. Let me revive your soul. Let me make a new production of your old self. Keep a humble, repentant heart before me and watch the change that my Spirit does in you. Pay attention. Wait on me... I'm not finished with you yet." 

He's not finished with us yet.

He lets us wait.

He lets us change. 

He lets us grow. 

He lets us REPENT. 

He lets us change our minds.

Jesus paved the way for us to approach His throne with boldness, covered in His blood and grace.

I like the fact that He wants us to wait on Him. 

I like that fact that when I'm on my knees, in my living room alone, that I'm not alone. :) 

I like the fact that my heart can know that He's not finished with me yet. 

I like the fact that He's awakening "Christianity 101" truths to my proud heart and doing so with such grace and so much love. 

I love the fact that repentance is finally, by His grace alone, taking it's rightful place in my life and heart... the forefront of my actions & prayers. 

The Dry Seasons:::

There's a bit of a theme going on in my life these days. It reflects an image of deep sensitivity, dry branches and a dash of helplessness. 

Feeling helpless is weird. Feeling helpless over things that you know you're capable of overcoming is even weirder. And by weirder I mean a strange mix of embarassing/pathetic. :) 

It's Holy Week and if I'm being brutally honest I've felt like anything but "Holy" this week. I can't remember the last time I've gone through a season that made me feel like I can't catch up with my life! The cycle of stress and shame is basically like DROWNING but walking daily in it.

Ann Voskamp, the beautiful gem that she is, has been speaking to that part of my heart recently in her posts and it's been so so, painful and so, so good... "On the weeks you've felt messy and behind and burdened...." 

... yep! 

Hello Holy Week! 

A Holy Week where you are stuttering 'HOLY CRAP' almost every day and feel like your treading to the point of exhaustion just to keep your head above water. And because you're trying to learn to be introspective about your OWN mind, you realize that fact that you're TREADING during HOLY WEEK and the shame just comes.

So suddenly you're a treading, stress, exhausted, ashamed woman who feels like a hopeless, hypocritical failure! 

It's ridiculous. 

A Holy Week where you feel anything but "whole" and realize you need to be saved, if anything, from yourself. 

To be in a season where it's "hit & miss" daily - where you have to FIGHT to see joy and sometimes you decide the joy isn't even worth the effort...... you choose instead to live in a numbness. And suddenly your living becomes existing and existing becomes complacency and complacency becomes stoicism and you start highlighting the negatives instead of choosing the positives and it's just that. 

I've felt helpless in this place. I've felt slightly hopeless in this season. 

I've found myself randomly uttering "God, save me from ____!!!" at the most random times of the day.

Sometimes that's the extent of my prayer life for that day... the uttering of "God, please God, change my heart! Change my perspective! I'm begging you, change the way I SEE things! SAVE ME from my BRAIN!!!" 

A prayer is a prayer and God is God and maybe that's the best place to be? 

The place of KNOWING you're fallen and KNOWING you need to be changed, renewed and transformed? 

The prime place. 

Maybe encountering and acknowledging your ugly should be a daily thing, not a one time achievement -- forever fixed? But the "forever" is found in the "daily" workings? I don't know.

The reality is that repentance is powerful. 

The TRUTH that TRUMPS is that I'm never, ever hopeless. 

The current REALITY is that yes, it's Holy Week. 

It's the brutal week leading up to Christ's bloody, gory, sickening, rated R death on the Cross. 

And it's this very week that, if EVER, I should be slowly but surely realizing my desperate need for someone to SAVE-CHANGE-HEAL-RESTORE-ACCOMPANY-LOVE me. To be fully seen, hopelessly loved, and desired. 

To be ruled by PEACE, not ruled by stress. 

 To exist in a place where you aren't TREADING every day... you're TRUSTING every day. 

What if? 

I was driving into work today. 

The new Matt Redman song came on KLOVE and it just HIT my heart. And my tear ducts.

If what good ol' Matty is singing is true.... and I believe that every. single. word of it is true... then that's the best news we can and ever WILL have.

The lyric that got me the most is.... "there in the very breathe we breathe..." 

The realization that EVERY. BREATH. is GRACE. Let it sink in.

His grace FINDS US! 

His grace is RELENTLESS! 

His grace PURSUES! 

His grace is PEACE! 

His grace CHANGES UGLY! 

His grace GIVES HOPE! 

His grace COVERS SHAME! 

His grace GENTLY HUMBLES! 

When you GET the fact that every single aspect of your life... down to the very breath you breathe... is pure GRACE.... it's impossible to be proud, ya? 

So the season is here. 

A season of struggle. 

A season of stress.

A season of hopelessness.

A season of being desperate for something different. 

A season of being brittle and dry. 

It's there.  

But as the lovely Ann once again points out... 

"The days that are dry and brittle, ready to snap — these days are perfect kindling for a burning bush."

Bahhh. How beautiful is that? 

That brings so many tears to my eyes.

And in case you missed it... 

"My heart the altar... thy Love the Flame." 

My heart is dry and stressed and struggling and treading water and this is where I am. 

I sometimes feel like I have NOTHING good to bring to Him, NOTHING to offer because all I see is the cycle of shame, regret, stress and pure ugly.

And the thing is that the perfectly dry things in my heart, happen to be perfectly PRIME and READY to SPARK... 

The DRY bones, the UGLY things that I try to keep from Him, are the VERY things that will catch fire on the altar with FORCE! 

And as His grace pursues, in EVERY breathe...

His love covers my sin..... and I'm here.... dry... but kindled. 

It's there in a newborn cry

There in the light of every sunrise

There in the shadows of this life

Your great grace

It's there on the mountain top

There in the everyday and the mundane

There in the sorrow and the dancing

Your great grace

Oh, such grace

From the creation to the cross

There from the cross into eternity

Your grace finds me

Yes, Your grace finds me

It's there on the wedding day

There in the weeping by the gravesite

There in the very breath we breathe

Your great grace

It's the same for the rich and poor

The same for the saint and for the sinner

Enough for this whole wide world

Your great grace

Oh, such grace

From the creation to the CROSS.....

Through the ugly, through the shame and the striving and the treading and the exhaustion and the pathetic....

through it all....

He makes everything new. 

He brings forth life.

He raises the dead. 

His grace finds me. :)

Sunday Sunday Sunday.   

Aimless:::

Middle of March already. So very hard to believe. 

I feel like I've been in some sort of time-warp machine because it does NOT feel that long ago that I had blogged, and it does NOT feel like almost three months have passed into the new year. I hate this whole time thing... truly never have enough of it and eventually it slips away and before you know it, you're 12 going on 25 and the rest of your mind and heart have a lot of catching up to do. What? 

Incredible. 

These past few months have been a bit of a fly-by for me. I'm in this crazy weird phase of hunting for a job and feeling the pain  that can come along with rejection email... after rejection email... after rejection email. Is it just me or does it seem nearly impossible to land an interview after a resume these days? 

I've only had one interview and got that job... but after some (*cough an absolute ton cough*) of thought, I decided against that particular job as it would totally bring my already "distance-familiar" marriage to a whole new level.... truth is, I already spend enough time apart from my guy, I don't want to add to it with a job that takes me everywhere, always. 

Isn't THAT encouraging? The only open door, the only clear path and the only thing I propel in, is the one that I know deep down in my heart I shouldn't choose? Yes! Yay! Fun! 

So I'm back to square one, job-less with a few (...yay!) possibilities on the horizon and trying, trying trying trying, to trust that God knows and holds. 

Billy keeps asking me what I think God is trying to teach me in this phase and to be honest, all I can think about it "to be patient." It's such a Sunday school answer, but that's where I am and it's all I got. I'm sure there's more and I'm that, one day, my hindsight will be 20/20 and this particularly discouraging, dry and somewhat dull season of life will fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a life.

I suppose one fear of mine right now is that I'm wasting this puzzle piece. I found myself.... with all the precious time that I sometimes feel I have too much of on my hands.... w a s t i n g it. And I suppose "found" is past tense and that is incorrect. Just this week, I have held and, I say this ashamed at the thought, wasted. The wasting is painfully present and a painfully present battle.

Maybe this can be my wake-up call? Maybe this can be my 20/20? 

I don't know. It's interesting how the "green grass" theory works, and how accurate it can be...... right now, I'd do just about anything to have some sort of structure in my life that involved waking up early to work a job to bring some income and have a steady schedule into my life. I miss contributing to "us" in a financial way and I miss interacting with people on a daily basis; I'm wired for that setting I think.

HOWEVER.... the greener grass taunts me. 

Looking back, I clearly see that I had that life in Texas... and I'm pretty sure those days were occasionally marked by longing for a season that looks a whole, lot, like... this one? 

With so much free time that I don't even know what to do. 

I do believe that too much time on your hands with no productivity can be dangerous; at least for me it really can be. 

When you're down in a slump... where things in your life aren't going your way and jobs can't be found and freaking blizzard after blizzard after polar vortex after polar vortex are slamming you every week and zap all desire to go outside..... you know, that kinda slump? 

When you're in that slump, or when I'M in that slump, I think parts of me die. Dramatic? Perhaps but I don't really think so. 

I find that I have zero inspiration. 

I take on old habits. Destructive, mental type things that Beth Moore condemns and Jesus freed me from a long time ago. 

In my world right now, idle time is the enemy to broken shackles.

I look forward to sleeping just for the sake of sleeping. 

I turn down invitations and find myself in sweat pants all day.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M ADMITTING TO THIS!!! 

Woo hoooooo for the ugly, raw and vulnerable right? 

Woooooo hoooooo for something that screams imperfection in a sea of perfect tips, tricks and quick fixes. 

I can't fake it and I won't.

The last few months have been tough. 

The waiting room has been daunting. 

The rejections have become personal even when they should never have been. 

The longing for purpose has been a heavy burden to bear. 

The reality of being "aimless" has set in and lead me to a place where my trust has high, strong borders. 

The truth that "joy is a choice" is a constant reminder of my personal weakness in being able to choose it. 

Shame lingers.

Hope dies. 

Fear sets in and enthusiasm, joy, purpose and light unravel.

The interesting reality of it all is this is, just that, a season. 

And seasons change, basically four times a year to be exact. (And only twice if you live in Colorado.) 

And in this season which I now categorize as "aimless" ------ I. Can. Still. Choose. 

Choose to see the light.

Choose to see the grace. 

Like that time my husband convinced me to go to a Casting Crowns Concert... even though I was tired and REALLY didn't want to go because I didn't really like Casting Crowns. 

They're Bill's favorite.

And I realize my laziness is the only excuse I have and that's embarrassing so I decide that maybe we should go after all. 

My soul has NEVER felt so refreshed, so rejuvenated, so quickly! 

"Jesus can You show me just how far the east is from the west? Cuz I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again.... but You know just how far the east is from the west... one scarred hand to the other." 

"Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete... could we just be broken together? You could bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine... could healing still be spoken and save us? The only way we'll last forever is broken together."

"Let me dream for you... I am strong when you're weak, I will carry you... so let go of your plan, get caught by my hand and I'll show you what I can do when I dream for you. I'm stronger than you think I am, I'll take you farther than you think you can... my child if you only knew all the plans that I have for you, just try Me I will follow through."

I forgot how incredibly Casting Crowns lyrics were... 

And I ALMOST MISSED IT if it weren't for my insistent husband who loves them so much. 

I almost missed the glass of water I was dying of thirst for.

Then... after that night that included so much bawling on my part... in the middle of a gray season... I see so many colors and most of them are green...

grace. 

And enough grace to be able to SEE the grace!! 

My 20/20 continues. Let's let it. 

Though definitely not perfect (because when is it EVER??) I can happily say that my marriage is one thing that's been pretty freakin awesome, all things considered. 

And of course, my dullness and struggles mentioned above have only a smidge to do with that. 

Billy's constant encouragement and love have, very frequently, broken through the gray haze and have literally felt like a glass of cold water on my parched, heavy and aimless soul. 

HOW POETIC IS HE?? Right?!? 

Straight outta a chick-flick, this man of mine, I tell ya. 

Seriously though. As tough as marriage is, the beauty and grace found in it absolutely outweighs the struggles in every possible way.

My guy has held me through the breakdowns, through the tearful cries and affirmed who I am - who GOD says I am - in the midst of my precious collections of rejections. 

Having someone SHOUTING truth in the smack-dab middle of you declaring a painful lie over yourself is, powerful my friends. So very powerful. 

His words, his truth and his love light my wick again. I can do this. Because I'm not alone. 

And... to bring it to an even more raw and TRUTH embracing place.... the REALITY of all realities is that, even if Billy was away, or gone, or unloving or mean.... it still stands:

I am NOT alone. 

I am not aimless. 

I have purpose. 

I have a calling.

I am waiting. 

I can HAVE hope. 

I may not know where I'm going, but I CAN choose to live. 

I CAN choose to live and LOVE every day. 

I was reminded the other day of a Louie Giglio sermon, the first place I heard the quote: 

"The Glory of God is man fully alive!" 

FULLY ALIVE! 

In the midst of your dull seasons, in the midst of your pain and your longing.... to be FULLY ALIVE!

Seasons shouldn't dictate how you LIVE.

Waiting rooms shouldn't dictate who you SERVE and who you LOVE. 

Aimless shouldn't dictate the Rock you have hope in.

The glory of God is man fully alive. 

I'm in a dead place craving to be so very fully alive.

I'm in an aimless season longing for some direction. 

I'm in a place of needing a King to call my name and I know it's a safe place to be. 

SO.

Until the next chapter begins....

Until the next season brings forth life...

Until the next blizzard finally passes and the sun decides to show...

Until the next page in my story is written....

I'll be here. 

Waiting. 

Probably mostly silently.

Practicing patience.

Embracing peace. 

Trying to direct all my longing, all my hoping and all my desires... to the Living Water that doesn't leave me thirsty for more.

Truly, this isn't my home anyways. 

I can bank on that.

So while I'm here... I long to bring His Kingdom to this place.

To see HIS GLORY!!!

And that glory is Christ in me.

In other words...

me. 

fully alive.

by His grace alone.

Thank you 20/20, we're done here. :)  

Marriage Tips by Beth Moore:::

I have a lot on my mind and even more on my heart. 

These past few months have been literally filled with much joy and probably, even more tears and heartache. 

It's that crazy thing about life, ya know? 

Ups and downs... joy and sorrow... purpose and emptiness... life goes on and on and seasons come and go and He's smack dab in the middle of it, unchanging and unfailing and true.

I suppose that thought journey will be processed later. 

However, now, I wanted to share with you what I found on an old, archived blog from Beth Moore dated allllllll the way back in December 2007.

I found it to still be so very timeless and true today. 

I loved the simplicity she had to say about marriage, it really encouraged me and I hope it encourages you to keep fighting for it no matter what. 

She wrote...

"Some of the things God has taught Keith and me are not for public consumption. Others are meant to be shared. These are a handful of things God has helped us practice along the way that led up to this particular day:

*We try more often to live by the law of kindness. In the old days, we’d figure out one another’s weakness then aim that direction with arrows of harsh words on purpose. Most of the time these days, we avoid the targets that we know good and well are the other’s Achilles’ heel. We just don’t like to be mean much anymore.

*We snuggle a lot. We have a big, long couch in our den but a whole lot of times we sit in the leather chair that’s almost not big enough for one hind end. Let alone two. Or three when Beanie gets jealous.

*We still talk a lot – over coffee, walking dogs, or bubble baths – and try to be interested in the other one’s world even when we don’t get it one iota. When you have a mix like Beth the Librarian and Keith the Barbarian, you have to try extra hard.

*We’ve had to choose to put stuff behind us. We have had no few problems, no few differences, and no few conflicts and, if we wanted to keep a record of wrongs, we could have a list long enough to trip over for the rest of our lives. Neither one of us thinks highly of letting the other run all over us nor is either of us likely to keep an opinion to ourselves. We still fight. But then we get on with living and make a choice not keep punishing each other with yesterday’s stuff. Life’s too short and a house too small. You have to forgive – and be forgiven – a ton.

*We just keep going. This isn’t going to sound profound but it’s actually one of the biggest things God has used to turn a rocky start into twenty-nine years. We just kept getting through the night till the sun would come up and we’d made it another day. Before we knew it, the next anniversary rolled around. And we’d be so glad. And little by little, we just got happier and happier. Hard times have always come calling but so have good times. God just gave us the wherewithal not to quit before the next sweet season came. Oh, that He’d continue to.

I am so tender to those of you who have endured the pain of divorce and I plead with you not to let this entry invite you to destructive feelings of condemnation or failure. I know how hard marriage can be. I know what a miracle it takes at times and how willing both parties have to be to receive it. But, with your blessing and your security in Christ, I also need to be able to say to those who may be on the edge of giving up, please, I beg you, don’t. Just make it through the night and see the sun come up tomorrow morning from your knees. Fight your battles ferociously with your face to the floor. Give God time and room. Wives, quit being the husband. Fire yourself. Let God take it over. Get counseling if you need it – even if your man won’t – but don’t quit. Even if you don’t love him…or like him. Even if you hate him. God can soften a heart of granite if you’ll let Him. Wait it out a little longer. Laugh a little harder. Snuggle a little tighter. Love by faith. Not just by sight. 

As the Apostle Paul says, all that matters is faith expressing itself through love."