Aimless:::

Middle of March already. So very hard to believe. 

I feel like I've been in some sort of time-warp machine because it does NOT feel that long ago that I had blogged, and it does NOT feel like almost three months have passed into the new year. I hate this whole time thing... truly never have enough of it and eventually it slips away and before you know it, you're 12 going on 25 and the rest of your mind and heart have a lot of catching up to do. What? 

Incredible. 

These past few months have been a bit of a fly-by for me. I'm in this crazy weird phase of hunting for a job and feeling the pain  that can come along with rejection email... after rejection email... after rejection email. Is it just me or does it seem nearly impossible to land an interview after a resume these days? 

I've only had one interview and got that job... but after some (*cough an absolute ton cough*) of thought, I decided against that particular job as it would totally bring my already "distance-familiar" marriage to a whole new level.... truth is, I already spend enough time apart from my guy, I don't want to add to it with a job that takes me everywhere, always. 

Isn't THAT encouraging? The only open door, the only clear path and the only thing I propel in, is the one that I know deep down in my heart I shouldn't choose? Yes! Yay! Fun! 

So I'm back to square one, job-less with a few (...yay!) possibilities on the horizon and trying, trying trying trying, to trust that God knows and holds. 

Billy keeps asking me what I think God is trying to teach me in this phase and to be honest, all I can think about it "to be patient." It's such a Sunday school answer, but that's where I am and it's all I got. I'm sure there's more and I'm that, one day, my hindsight will be 20/20 and this particularly discouraging, dry and somewhat dull season of life will fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a life.

I suppose one fear of mine right now is that I'm wasting this puzzle piece. I found myself.... with all the precious time that I sometimes feel I have too much of on my hands.... w a s t i n g it. And I suppose "found" is past tense and that is incorrect. Just this week, I have held and, I say this ashamed at the thought, wasted. The wasting is painfully present and a painfully present battle.

Maybe this can be my wake-up call? Maybe this can be my 20/20? 

I don't know. It's interesting how the "green grass" theory works, and how accurate it can be...... right now, I'd do just about anything to have some sort of structure in my life that involved waking up early to work a job to bring some income and have a steady schedule into my life. I miss contributing to "us" in a financial way and I miss interacting with people on a daily basis; I'm wired for that setting I think.

HOWEVER.... the greener grass taunts me. 

Looking back, I clearly see that I had that life in Texas... and I'm pretty sure those days were occasionally marked by longing for a season that looks a whole, lot, like... this one? 

With so much free time that I don't even know what to do. 

I do believe that too much time on your hands with no productivity can be dangerous; at least for me it really can be. 

When you're down in a slump... where things in your life aren't going your way and jobs can't be found and freaking blizzard after blizzard after polar vortex after polar vortex are slamming you every week and zap all desire to go outside..... you know, that kinda slump? 

When you're in that slump, or when I'M in that slump, I think parts of me die. Dramatic? Perhaps but I don't really think so. 

I find that I have zero inspiration. 

I take on old habits. Destructive, mental type things that Beth Moore condemns and Jesus freed me from a long time ago. 

In my world right now, idle time is the enemy to broken shackles.

I look forward to sleeping just for the sake of sleeping. 

I turn down invitations and find myself in sweat pants all day.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M ADMITTING TO THIS!!! 

Woo hoooooo for the ugly, raw and vulnerable right? 

Woooooo hoooooo for something that screams imperfection in a sea of perfect tips, tricks and quick fixes. 

I can't fake it and I won't.

The last few months have been tough. 

The waiting room has been daunting. 

The rejections have become personal even when they should never have been. 

The longing for purpose has been a heavy burden to bear. 

The reality of being "aimless" has set in and lead me to a place where my trust has high, strong borders. 

The truth that "joy is a choice" is a constant reminder of my personal weakness in being able to choose it. 

Shame lingers.

Hope dies. 

Fear sets in and enthusiasm, joy, purpose and light unravel.

The interesting reality of it all is this is, just that, a season. 

And seasons change, basically four times a year to be exact. (And only twice if you live in Colorado.) 

And in this season which I now categorize as "aimless" ------ I. Can. Still. Choose. 

Choose to see the light.

Choose to see the grace. 

Like that time my husband convinced me to go to a Casting Crowns Concert... even though I was tired and REALLY didn't want to go because I didn't really like Casting Crowns. 

They're Bill's favorite.

And I realize my laziness is the only excuse I have and that's embarrassing so I decide that maybe we should go after all. 

My soul has NEVER felt so refreshed, so rejuvenated, so quickly! 

"Jesus can You show me just how far the east is from the west? Cuz I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again.... but You know just how far the east is from the west... one scarred hand to the other." 

"Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete... could we just be broken together? You could bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine... could healing still be spoken and save us? The only way we'll last forever is broken together."

"Let me dream for you... I am strong when you're weak, I will carry you... so let go of your plan, get caught by my hand and I'll show you what I can do when I dream for you. I'm stronger than you think I am, I'll take you farther than you think you can... my child if you only knew all the plans that I have for you, just try Me I will follow through."

I forgot how incredibly Casting Crowns lyrics were... 

And I ALMOST MISSED IT if it weren't for my insistent husband who loves them so much. 

I almost missed the glass of water I was dying of thirst for.

Then... after that night that included so much bawling on my part... in the middle of a gray season... I see so many colors and most of them are green...

grace. 

And enough grace to be able to SEE the grace!! 

My 20/20 continues. Let's let it. 

Though definitely not perfect (because when is it EVER??) I can happily say that my marriage is one thing that's been pretty freakin awesome, all things considered. 

And of course, my dullness and struggles mentioned above have only a smidge to do with that. 

Billy's constant encouragement and love have, very frequently, broken through the gray haze and have literally felt like a glass of cold water on my parched, heavy and aimless soul. 

HOW POETIC IS HE?? Right?!? 

Straight outta a chick-flick, this man of mine, I tell ya. 

Seriously though. As tough as marriage is, the beauty and grace found in it absolutely outweighs the struggles in every possible way.

My guy has held me through the breakdowns, through the tearful cries and affirmed who I am - who GOD says I am - in the midst of my precious collections of rejections. 

Having someone SHOUTING truth in the smack-dab middle of you declaring a painful lie over yourself is, powerful my friends. So very powerful. 

His words, his truth and his love light my wick again. I can do this. Because I'm not alone. 

And... to bring it to an even more raw and TRUTH embracing place.... the REALITY of all realities is that, even if Billy was away, or gone, or unloving or mean.... it still stands:

I am NOT alone. 

I am not aimless. 

I have purpose. 

I have a calling.

I am waiting. 

I can HAVE hope. 

I may not know where I'm going, but I CAN choose to live. 

I CAN choose to live and LOVE every day. 

I was reminded the other day of a Louie Giglio sermon, the first place I heard the quote: 

"The Glory of God is man fully alive!" 

FULLY ALIVE! 

In the midst of your dull seasons, in the midst of your pain and your longing.... to be FULLY ALIVE!

Seasons shouldn't dictate how you LIVE.

Waiting rooms shouldn't dictate who you SERVE and who you LOVE. 

Aimless shouldn't dictate the Rock you have hope in.

The glory of God is man fully alive. 

I'm in a dead place craving to be so very fully alive.

I'm in an aimless season longing for some direction. 

I'm in a place of needing a King to call my name and I know it's a safe place to be. 

SO.

Until the next chapter begins....

Until the next season brings forth life...

Until the next blizzard finally passes and the sun decides to show...

Until the next page in my story is written....

I'll be here. 

Waiting. 

Probably mostly silently.

Practicing patience.

Embracing peace. 

Trying to direct all my longing, all my hoping and all my desires... to the Living Water that doesn't leave me thirsty for more.

Truly, this isn't my home anyways. 

I can bank on that.

So while I'm here... I long to bring His Kingdom to this place.

To see HIS GLORY!!!

And that glory is Christ in me.

In other words...

me. 

fully alive.

by His grace alone.

Thank you 20/20, we're done here. :)