You say You're good to those who wait.
My heart's discouraged, so I come to You expectant.
You say You're good to those who wait...
Lord today, You know what I need to do.
But You can do more in my waiting, than in my doing I could do...
So I won't run anymore..
I'm waiting on You.
Oh wretched man that I am, free me from my distractions!
You say You're good to those who wait.
Let confession and repentance find me in the quiet...
Now I know You're good to those who wait.
Lord, today, You know what I need to do...
But You could do more in my waiting... than in my doing I could do...
So I won't run anymore.
I'm waiting on You...
Oh my soul, wait on the Lord!
Keep your lamp filled with oil!
Oh my soul, be not deceived!
Wait for Him, don't be quick to leave!
Oh my soul, WAIT ON THE LORD!
Keep your Lamp filled with oil!
Oh my soul, be no deceived!
Wait for Him, DON'T BE QUICK TO LEAVE!
Don't be quick to leave!
Cause' Lord today You KNOW what I need to do!
But I know You can do more in my waiting, than in my doing I could do!
"To Those Who Wait" - Bethany Dillon
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A beautiful confession.
This song has brought me to tears lately as I'm driving around doing all the things I need to do.
The bridge gets my heart every time... "Keep your lamp filled with oil... oh my soul, be not deceived, wait for Him- don't be quick to leave!"
and then the sad/INCREDIBLE TRUTH that:
"[He] could do MORE in my WAITING, than in my DOING I could DO."
I guess this perspective flattens some things: my pride, my desire to be impressed with efficiency and my longing to perform for God.
He could do more in my waiting than in my doing I could do.
What does He do in my waiting?
Well, lately He's been showing me a lot of insane, "baby Christian"-stuff.
Though I'm hesitant to share... because I feel in many ways this is probably, like, Christianity 101 and I've actually been a Christian for almost 15 years so this shouldn't be a new, awe inspiring revelation to me but...
In my waiting, He's been showing me the power of repentance.
Again, I know no fireworks are going off and I know no theologians or renowned Pastors are running over small children to eagerly take notes on this topic of repentance that's recently become alive to me...
nothing new...
and yet, where I'm at... everything new.
Bill's been gone on this third deployment for almost 2 weeks and typically, week 1 is where the pathetic-ness of Jocelyn reaches an all time high (or is it low??)
I become somewhat of a (total) recluse. My motivation for doing anything is non-existent, my desire to be friends with people is gone and I choose to numb myself by watching hours of stupid tv shows that I find incredibly boring but still force myself to watch anyways because that's better than showering or being around people.
Tears. Chocolate. TV shows. Repeat.
So we're somewhat past that stage - by the grace of God- and we're onto a more motivated, healthier way of living. Healthy living truly is grounded in a vivid awareness & seeking of the presence of God in your life, so you can cue the intentionality (is that a word? NOPE.) that prioritizes itself when I'm seeking Jesus' face in prayer and through His word which is very much alive.
Letting my very, very dry soul drink from the Living Water.
And I wait. And He reminds in my waiting.
The thought process on this specific topic of the power of repentance started a couple months ago when I was sitting at the feet of a woman I truly love named Beth Moore. She said, "when we lose the word repentance, we lose the word revival!"
Yikes.
The word "revival" means (via dictionary.com):
- restoration to life, consciousness, vigor, strength, etc.
- an awakening in a church/community
and, my personal favorite:
- a new production of an old play.
I love that.
"A new production of an old play."
As far as I'm concerned, this old play is is desperate need of a new script.
I want my life to give LIFE.
I want to be CONFORMED into the image of my Savior! He is LIFE!
I want to be CONFORMED into the image of my Savior! He is LIFE!
I want my words to give life, I want my thoughts to give life, I want my relationships to give life, I want my heart to give life, I want my times with Jesus to re-instill LIFE in my heart!
The only way I can do that - have TRUE LIFE REVIVAL - is with REPENTANCE!!!!
Huge.
So.
What has God been doing in my waiting?
Well, for starters, He's shown me the importance of paying attention to myself.
Isn't that weird to read?
Explanation:
When I'm not paying attention to myself, I don't REALIZE the CONDITION that my heart can be in.
I'm not AWARE of the ugliness of my sin.
I've not allowed the NECESSITY OF REPENTANCE to be the impulsive reaction to sin in my life.
That's crazy!
Know yourselves people!
Know what makes you tick and what makes you not look like Jesus and what makes the enemy delighted and what ugly things grasp onto your heart!
Know, and be vigilantly AWARE of what areas of darkness are having victory in your life!
Know, and be vigilantly AWARE of what areas of darkness are having victory in your life!
Don't have a PASSIVE life - be ACTIVE in knowing your heart, paying attention to your thoughts and reactions and impulsive responses. They're there and they speak VOLUMES of what's going on deep down in the layers.
The ugly fact of the matter is that repentance has been so very little prioritized in my life.
I maybe repent of a few of my sins every, random month or so? Maybe when they do another altar call or communion every once in a while? It's lame, truly.
But when Beth said those words, along with encouraging us to "make repentance our best friend!" - I started dwelling on the power of it and connecting the dots to how repentance is the answer to some of the radical change I've been desiring to see in my own heart.
I've realized that when you keep fighting the same ugly thing over and over... and over and over and over again years later.... maybe you aren't really fighting it at all.
Maybe you're letting your pride get in the way and trying to man-handle the ugly thing to the ground... only to let it resurrect in another light or circumstance.
To be honest, I want to live with an awareness of myself like this example... from a BM tweet:
"yesterday on the way home from work, a caught a nauseating whiff of a judgmental spirit in myself and nearly threw up in my mouth..."
"yesterday on the way home from work, a caught a nauseating whiff of a judgmental spirit in myself and nearly threw up in my mouth..."
This brings TEARS to my eyes!
I'm realizing that, I have this darkness and sin issues in my heart, but instead of allowing them to make me physically sick, I sometimes am not even AWARE of them which leads to me FEEDING them!
Does that make sense?
In my waiting, God's shown me how much I DON'T SEE ABOUT MYSELF!
How much I DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE the bad fruit that is NOT from His Spirit!
How I ALLOW judgmental thoughts rule my life, how I am OK with gossip or jealousy, how I get consumed with comparing myself to others and allowing my short-comings be fueled by pride. How I allow doubt to plant its seeds in my heart. Ugly ugly ugly.
And I don't even ACKNOWLEDGE THESE SINS and CALL THEM OUT FOR WHAT THEY ARE, much less repent of them and change my ways!
Without repentance, I LIVE LIKE THIS!
I LIVE in my own filth!
I FEED my OWN SIN!
I LITERALLY FIGHT THE SAME BATTLES & STRUGGLES OVER AND OVER AND OVER!
But, in my waiting, He's showing me: I don't have to live like this.
There is FREEDOM in the Spirit.
There is MATURITY in waiting.
There is REVIVAL available to my heart... there's a way to make this old play into a new, life-giving, fruit-rendering production.
But there's no revival without repentance.
And without repentance, my condition is irreversible.
And here we are... He can do more in my waiting.
So I (finally) stop doing.
I sit. I wait.
My husband is gone so the only distractions I have, truly, are the ones I let rule my life. *cough Insta/FB cough*
So, I clean house.
And I'm here.
Alone. Waiting.
And waiting.
And confession begins and repentance begins.
And the pleading of awareness of sins that I'm not even aware of right now begins.
And the spirit moves.
And my ugly is exposed to MYSELF, finally.
And I mourn my sin.
And I cry some tears.
And I renew my heart.
And I hand over authority of my heart and emotions and actions and dreams and desires to the living Man who gave up everything to reverse my condition.
*tears*
And I have to trust that He's working in my life.
And the thing is that I have to do this every single day.
The day that I don't is the day that I'm ruled by my flesh.
The day I don't give true authority to HIS SPIRIT is the day that I choose myself as my master... and that is never EVER a good day.
So it begins. I make a covenant to my King to grant Him authority to my life, again and forever.
And tomorrow, I'll give Him my forever again.
And the next day, hand over my forever.
And every day.
"Jesus, King of my life, You have my today and my forever. Make me look like You, for Your Glory and Your Renown."
And it never stops, and that's truly amazing.
Because friends, He is so, so good.
He is SO quick to forgive.
He's quick to take our repentant mutterings and make the sin whiter than snow.
He's quick to take our repentant mutterings and make the sin whiter than snow.
He's quick to restore. Even restore unto Himself.
He is quick to remind us who we are in Him and He is SO VERY SLOW to anger.
He allows His quiet whisper to speak loudly - LOUDER - over the accuser...
The accuser says:
"you're gonna fail, again... no way you can change, you keep trying but the ugly inside of you will never leave..."
and His voice whispers over...
"I have you. I'm with you. I'm alive in you and I love you. Let me revive your soul. Let me make a new production of your old self. Keep a humble, repentant heart before me and watch the change that my Spirit does in you. Pay attention. Wait on me... I'm not finished with you yet."
He's not finished with us yet.
He lets us wait.
He lets us change.
He lets us grow.
He lets us REPENT.
He lets us change our minds.
Jesus paved the way for us to approach His throne with boldness, covered in His blood and grace.
I like the fact that He wants us to wait on Him.
I like that fact that when I'm on my knees, in my living room alone, that I'm not alone. :)
I like the fact that my heart can know that He's not finished with me yet.
I like the fact that He's awakening "Christianity 101" truths to my proud heart and doing so with such grace and so much love.
I love the fact that repentance is finally, by His grace alone, taking it's rightful place in my life and heart... the forefront of my actions & prayers.
