Courage I miss you.

I'm learning a lot of things recently.
It's an amazing place to be... learning learning learning. And by amazing I mean, holy crap is it ever going to end??

The lessons overall are painful. But true. And truth at the cost of pain is worth it.

The main lesson in this season is courage. Still weird for me to admit that but it's true.

I've always thought myself to be a pretty strong person. And I suppose subconsciously, I considered "strength" and "courage" to be synonymous. But the biggest lesson in my life right now has changed my perspective a little bit. This is what I'm learning:

It takes courage to face your pain.
It takes courage to process your hurt.
It takes courage to trust in a good God.
It takes courage to BE. weak.

And in these new little lessons, I'm discovering that I'm a bit of a wimp. *whoops*

This year, though silent on the blogosphere, has been one of the most beautiful and simultaneously challenging years of my life.

We are in our 5th year of marriage and truly happier in a lot of ways than we've ever been - happier than the 4 years combined. If you've read any of my blogs on marriage or know any part of our story, then you know. This is all, and only, grace.

So in the midst of the grace of a beautiful season of love & the resurrected silly butterflies that we both thought we murdered and buried long ago, I've also been face to face with one of the most difficult, shocking and painful seasons of my life in my family.

It's a hard thing to juggle - joy and hurt.
Beauty and pain.
Security and fear.
Contentment and unknown.

I wish I could speak as an experienced one in this... (or do I?)
But the truth is, I'm not experienced in this. I haven't had many difficult things happen in my life. For that I'm grateful, but on the other hand I feel a bit like a 5 year old who's been playing dress-up for her entire life....... I've begun to think of myself as more "prepared," "mature," and "experienced" to handle a conflict like this than I really am.
If I'm being totally honest, apart from finding out about the murder of my dear friends' husband during deployment (you can read about his incredible legacy here), this is one of the most difficult obstacles I have yet to face.

I say "face", and not "overcome," because... well... I have yet to truly face it. You can't overcome something until you face it... and hi it's me, the wimp, remember? I'm still hiding.

So here I am, squeezing my eyes shut in denial and avoiding the fact that I have to face some serious pain and a bit of a tragedy, and I actually (maybe for once?) take a good look in the mirror and see my 5 year old self under all the makeup, all the "Biblical knowledge," all the grown-up clothes.

It's humbling. And frustrating. "Highlight wheel out" right? Honestly? The realization that you aren't "as far" as you thought you are? Well, it sucks. It hurts so bad. The pain cuts deep. And I feel very inadequate to handle what I have to face right now.

And I go back to the classroom and sit in these lessons that I thought I'd have down by now.
And I am hearing things that I KNOW I've heard before, and MEMORIZED for crying out loud, but here I am hearing them again, as if for the first time.

A... preacher? teacher? evangelist? who knows what he is.... that I have LOVED listening to these days says something like this:

"The only scripture we truly know is the one we practice and live out daily. 

God isn't looking for Bible "quoters". 

He didn't tell us to memorize the Scriptures. 

He tells us to BECOME IT."

So here it is.
The time when I'm seeing exactly how many Bible verses "I know."
The ones I practice and live out daily.

In my recent years, I've learned that I can tell BY FAR the condition on my heart based on my natural reactions to things.

The reactions I had to difficult situations were very poor initially in the early years of my marriage - stemming from a heart wrapped in fear and insecurity. I'm grateful that God has healed many areas of my life and I'm seeing the tiny, tiny, little ant-like steps into growth and maturity in the way I react to things today that I would've reacted to very differently a few years ago. GRACE!

But now. I'm faced with this. And it hurts. And I don't want to process it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to feel the pain. I just want it to go away.

And I'm angry and I'm frustrated and sometimes it feels like too much to bear and when people have asked me about it I keep it light because honestly... it's hard to get through processing it without crying.

If you know me at all you know that I'm not one to shy away from a good cry... I empathize with anyone else's pain quite easily and if you're going through a hard time and need someone to listen and cry with you than you can call me right up. I am not afraid of feeling your pain right smack dab there with you.

But apparently, I'm afraid of feeling my own pain.

I don't feel strong right now. Bill told me a few nights ago when I was weeping about the situation that I was strong. But I didn't feel like it then. And I don't feel like it now.

I'm in this pause-place on my life but it's so self-inflicted. I feel like I can't move on with my life until I face this crisis, deal with the hurt and process the pain. Yet I feel like every day, I'm the little kid with their fingers stuck in their ears, yelling "LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU GO AWAY I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!"

I want this situation to GO AWAY.
I want this pain to GO AWAY.
I want this fixed more than anything, but I know that takes time. And if it can't happen now, then I want it to GO AWAY.

I'm a wimp.

And I need courage.
And I need grace to face the pain.
And I need peace in my heart.

It takes courage to choose healing over numbing.
It takes courage to reflect on who I am in light of who I was created to be. 

And yes God is good and on the throne and saw this coming since before the dawn of time and knew I was going to go through this when He knit me together in my mothers womb and blah blah blah Bible truth which yes, is TRUTH and yes I BELIEVE it, but I'm not on that page yet ok?

I'm on the page of saying, "God... what in the world were you thinking. Why did this happen. How do I fix this? Where do I go from here? And...... what now?" 
I'm on the page that has less to do with how awesome He is, and more to do with accepting the grace to get over how incredibly wimpy I am.

So, baby steps.
We're exploring a new mountain in my life... the mountain of grief and processing deep, deep deep pain. Again, this inexperienced hiker of grief-mountains has found herself almost to the treeline and losing oxygen quickly. All I've got are baby steps and most days it's just me standing there, staring at the fog all around me and unable to see the summit.

I know it's there. I know I'll get there. I know He will guide me and the Spirit will lead me through the process of grief and letting go of what was and accepting what is now and forgiving who I need to forgive. It's who He is.

But for now, I'm asking for courage.
I'm asking for eyes to see and courage for my heart to face the pain.
To realize that "being strong" has nothing to do with avoiding weakness.

In fact, I'm convinced that courage is the choice of picking those two to be dance partners. The dance of strength and weakness.
The dance of finding strength in the midst of embracing your weakness and pain.
It makes sense in light of 2 Corinthians 12:9.

And maybe, just maybe, God is bringing me to a season of actually KNOWING - not just quoting - that verse.

{Walking in Grace} to Worship...

Today I had the joy of flipping through hundreds of Powerpoint slides for over 33 songs in preparation of our Women's Conference this weekend.
(say hello to the behind-the-scenes glamour of leading women in worship!)

I say joy sarcastically, but only HALF sarcastically. Here's why.  

For starters, this month has been so very intense.

Full of joy, frustration, exhaustion, light, peace, and stress.  

But if I'm being honest, the only word out of the above words to summarize the majority of January has been: Stress. 

And where does stress usually lead for me? Sickness.

Sickness feeds stress, stress feeds sickness, it's a vicious cycle that I'm certain God intends to stop. 

So when I lose my voice for over a week, and I'm an emotional little tornado.... the only FRUIT of my life typically has nothing to do with what the Spirit lends. 

MEANING: 

love, joy, peace, patience, kindness and goodness are the furthest things from anything I have to offer this week. 

(Jocelyn in January = majorly bad fruit. Sorry Bill.)

So I'm stressed and sick and in shame all of this culminates and leads to the sarcastic part of the "joy" I found when I first started flipping through the Powerpoints. 

I get about 50 or 60 slides in, when all of the sudden, Holy Spirit shows up. 

"One Name holds weight above them all...

His fame outlasts the earth He formed..." 

I read the slide, and He whispers back...

"Jocelyn wait... did you read that line? 

ONE NAME holds weight above them all... every other one."

And the tears come.

And the epiphany hits me square in my stressed out little head.

And He continues to speak...

"His praise RESOUNDS BEYOND THE STARS

and ECHOES IN OUR HEARTS..."

People.

The reality of my situation is that I'm sitting here, going through page after page of Powerpoints...

that are TRUE.

Not only are they TRUE...

 but the words that I'm reading and singing in my head are the absolute, RADICAL TRUTH and 

MY ENTIRE LIFE DEPENDS ON THEM. 

I can, just like most other Christians I assume, sing the majority of these worship songs in my sleep. I could probably sing these songs even if I was in a coma. 

Seriously, these songs are EMBEDDED into my mind and sometimes the EMBEDDING leads to APATHY... looks like this:

Sometimes I let words like, "The GOD of ANGEL ARMIES, is ALWAYS BY MY SIDE" slip off my lips without ANY sort of acknowledgement of that REALITY from my HEART. 

Sometimes I let words like, "You are God, You are God, of ALL ELSE I'M LETTING GO" become a cute little phrase that has NOTHING to do with renewing my devotion to the God of the ages. 

Sometimes I let words like, "Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, HOLY HOLY IS HE" come out of my mouth without EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING TREMBLING at the thought of HIS HOLINESS.

Sometimes I let words like, "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders" be spoken without FULLY, ACTUALLY COMMITTING my heart to be LEAD BY THE SPIRIT and be willing to GO TO THAT PLACE OF NO BORDERS.

Sometimes I let words like, "All these pieces, broken and shattered... in MERCY gathered, mended & whole" become a poetic line THAT DOESN'T CHANGE MY HEART TO WANT TO LOVE HIM MORE. 

Sometimes I let words like, "This is amazing love... that you would TAKE MY PLACE" come out of my mouth WITHOUT REJOICING AT THE SHEER FACT THAT, MY DEBT IS PAID! HE TOOK MY PLACE! AMAZING LOVE, HOW CAN IT BE!

Sometimes I let words like, "ALL I have NEEDED, THY HAND has PROVIDED" rise from my lips without CLINGING to the UNFAILING PROVISION that HE IS.

Sometimes I let words like, "Lord I need  You, Oh I need You, EVERY. HOUR. I NEED YOU" be lifted in song without THE REALITY OF THOSE WORDS, the fact that I utterly, DESPERATELY need Him for EVERY. SINGLE. HOUR, shake me to my core. 

Sometimes I let words like, "What can wash away my sin? What can make me whole again? NOTHING but the blood of Jesus!" rise from the voices around me in song without having the UTMOST, THANKFUL heart to offer up to the ONLY ONE who can make me whole!

Sometimes I let words like, "My heart will sing no other name, Jesus!" become a sweet, somewhat romantic idea that SHOULD BE A PROMISE TO MY SAVIOR and not just a PLEASANT LYRIC!

"I WANT MORE of You God." 

"Open up the heavens, we want to SEE YOU!"

 "IN DEATH... I'm confident and covered..."

"I BELIEVE in the RESURRECTION!"

"Your LOVE, in wave after wave, CRASHES OVER ME!"

"A THOUSAND TIMES I'VE FAILED... yet your mercy remains!"

"There is POWER in the NAME of JESUS."

"Lord I'm ready now... All the walls are down."

"Seated on high, THE UNDEFEATED ONE!"

"SERVANT and KING... THIS is our GOD!"

I could go on and on. 

And I'm sure you could to. :)

You guys, this isn't HYPE. 

This isn't me trying to stir up some emotional tug on your heart.

God doesn't need our fake tears. 

He doesn't delight showy, emotional messes with distant hearts. 

Satan delights in all things fake, counterfeit, cheap... God came to redeem us from that!

So when we SING these words...

when we JOIN our hearts together in song..

We can leave the masks behind, we can leave the fake crap at the door. 

We can APPROACH HIS THRONE with boldness. 

We can allow these TRUTHS to so stir up our hearts to the point that, our response is... 

We, as sisters, can't help BUT sing!

We can't help BUT raise our hands!

We can't help BUT bring everything to the altar and leave Him a sacrifice of praise!

{{ We BEHOLD HIS GLORY and are CHANGED BY IT }}

My prayer for this weekend is that, the TRUTH of these words we will sing together would absolutely wreck ANY and EVERY box you may have put God in. 

My prayer is that truths wrapped up in these songs...... the ones we could sing in our sleep...... become the KEY that UNLOCKS the reality of who Holy Spirit is.

My prayer is that the reality about what are doing as a group of women together on Friday night will leave us RADICALLY DIFFERENT than anything we may have been striving to be before we worshiped almighty God together. 

The truth is this:

We, together in unity, are singing to a GOD who is NOT made up... imagined... created... or mythical.... 

HE IS: 

ALIVE!!

PEOPLE!!!

We aren't singing to a dead god -

We are singing to a LIVING GOD!

We aren't singing to a savior who died on the Cross -

We are singing to LIVING KING!

So what does this leave us? How should THIS change us? 

How should this impact our time together as sisters at Conference?

Show up, READY TO WORSHIP THE KING!

Walk into the doors with a heart that's been adoring Jesus ALL DAY!

Sing these truths out loud, together WITH CONFIDENCE! 

Enter into His presence WITH AN EXPECTANCY OF HIM TO COME AND DWELL AND DELIGHT IN OUR WORSHIP TO HIM!

Let the truth of 

WHO GOD IS

WHAT HE HAS DONE

WHERE HE IS TAKING US

AND

HOW MUCH HE LOVES US

be the SPRINGBOARD

to PROPEL us to worship Him with EVERYTHING WE HAVE!

Let's show up on Friday night and Saturday morning echoing the words of David, saying: 

"LET MY WHOLE BEING 

BLESS THE LORD! 

LET EVERYTHING INSIDE ME 

BLESS HIS HOLY NAME!"

Psalms 103:1

Why? 

Because it's all true. 

Because we've been REDEEMED. 

Because we've been saved, from both the enemy and from OURSELVES.

Because we are FREE. 

Because OUR DEBT IS PAID!

and most of all??

Because He. Is. Worthy.

Jesus.

The Name above ALL Names, the Lover of my soul, the Lion, the Lamb, the King of Kings, the Prince of Peace, the Holy One, the Son of Man, my Righteousness, my Redeemer, my Anchor, my hope...

Perfect Jesus

is. worthy.

He is worthy. He is worthy. He is worthy.

And the Lamb should receive the reward of His suffering.

And so we sing... 

:) 

Love you sisters!

Can't wait for Friday!