Confessions of a New Mom...

So...

Ok. I'm getting emotional already. #hormones

Well. This is the first time I've sat down at my computer to write a blog... as a mom. 

What???

Tears.

I'm a mom! 
ME! What?!?! I know!!! :)

It happened 4 weeks ago today. 4 weeks ago today... on July 14... at 1:59am... a little soul entered the world and forever changed mine.

 

And now I'm sitting here... about to write... which is something I've done for years and something I love to do... and I'm doing it... as a MOM. I'm writing this while sitting on the sofa, next to my husband who has a beautiful little girl sleeping on his chest. OUR little girl. What is this life?

Amazing.

So, hello. :) My name is Jocelyn... I'm a daughter, sister, friend, wife, and now, mother.

I'm a very new mother... (a fact that I'm reminded about on the regular, I might add...) and it's incredible. And fun. And beautiful. And hard, so hard. But good hard. Probably the best hard. But hard nonetheless... and as I sit here to write this as a mom... reflecting on the last 4 weeks of my new, beautiful life... I feel joy. I feel thankful. I feel tired. :)
And at this moment, I don't feel overwhelmed... but I'd be lying if I didn't say that this particular emotion can sum up quite a few days over the last 4 weeks.
(Every Tuesday... to be exact. Baby girl hates Tuesdays for some reason... but I digress...)

I'm here on the other side of this looming event... labor... which happened quickly I might add, something I'm so very thankful for! I really wanted a natural labor and though I thought I was prepared to not have an epidural... I quickly learned that few things can prepare you for natural labor without an epidural. :) It hurt like hell. I think I barely made it. But I learned about myself in that moment... the first of the MAAAANY lessons I've learned in a short four weeks.

Part of overwhelming aspect of having a newborn... at least for me... was realizing how very LITTLE I know. There is so so much to learn. It can be overwhelming. But it's life now, forever changed, and it's a life I'm choosing to embrace, even joyfully (most days- and sleepless nights). :)

As I sit back and reflect on the last few weeks, I can't help but be grateful. But I also want to be real. And I don't think the two are mutually exclusive, but I'd be lying if I told you there were moments when I didn't feel grateful, and moments when my new "real" hit me square in the face. Like... hold on... THIS is my life now??
It's crazy. It's life. It's a beautiful thing.

But 4 weeks have passed, a lot has been learned, a lot of mistakes have been made, a lot of fears have been faced, a lot of change has taken place. It's incredible. But I'd like to share some of the lessons the last 4 weeks have taught me. I don't claim to know everything.... actually I know hardly anything at all to be honest... but these lessons are some that have taken me a month or less to learn... some I probably didn't expect to learn this quickly... some I wish I had already known before I walked through it... and some that I hope can make the transition easier on whoever it is reading this and who just might be having their own little love change their world very soon. :)

Some of these lessons I'll dive into... some are pretty self-explanatory.

So here they are... a month's worth of lessons from the brand spanking new, just had the baby, knows-nothing-really, mom:

1) You need your mom. 
Learning this lesson was like drinking a tall, ice cold glass of water when you didn't realize you were actually dying of thirst to begin with. It was like, the biggest DUH moment of my whole new-baby experience. You need your mom. And if you don't have a mom, or if you have an overbearing mom who doesn't understand how to be helpful or how to respect boundaries, or if your mom is far away and can't be there for very long, first of all, I'm sorry. Genuinely. Second of all, find an older woman and experienced momma in your community who loves you and has a heart of gold (thankfully, SEVERAL moms from my church come to mind with this description, and SEVERAL moms already have that I couldn't be more grateful...) and ask them to come help you for a few days. Ask them to help cook you a meal, or stay for an afternoon to take the baby so you can take a nap, or come over early early in the morning to take the baby after morning feeding so you can go back to sleep for a few hours, whatever. Just do it. Trust me. You need your/a mom. I'll expand more on my mom in a later post because I can't say enough, really. But that's lesson #1 for me.
Moms are amazing, and what I learned is that you really need one during this time of becoming one.

2) You can't do it alone. 
This kind of piggy-backs my first lesson, but in this case I'm not talking about a mom necessarily. I'm talking about young moms, probably your peers, that are a year or two or less ahead of you, that have hearts of gold, that have the baby experience fresh in their minds and are willing to give you gold nuggets of wisdom that you can learn to trust. For me, these women were my beautiful friend Laura and my beautiful cousin Lita. These women pursued me throughout my pregnancy, asked me hard questions about decisions I had to make, shared their honest experiences with me and answered allllll my questions.... from kick-counts to bleeding to labor to breastfeeding tips to diaper size to vaccines to pediatrician recommendations to bowel movements (the baby's, of course) :)... and I trusted their answers! They encouraged me to be honest and up front with how I was feeling/struggling, shared their struggles with me and literally made a HUGE difference throughout this whole experience, for the absolute better.

 My cousin lives far away, but she just had her precious son in April and regardless of distance, she was such a WEALTH of knowledge, love, advice and encouragement to me, sharing everything she wish she knew before hand and only being a few months ahead of me. Meant so much to me and made such a difference in this process.
My friend lives in the area, and literally is an pregnancy/new baby angel in disguise. She loves her kids with a fierce love and it shows. She has researched everything under the sun and has offered everything from baby advice, to friendship, to BRINGING ME CHICK FIL A ON MY DOORSTEP WHEN JOLIE WAS 4 WEEKS OLD AND BILL WAS AWAY ON A TRIP AND I WAS BY MYSELF AND JOLIE WAS SCREAMING ALL NIGHT FROM GAS PAIN AND I HAD A TOTAL MELTDOWN. That was 3 days ago. But she did that. And she left a note, that literally picked up my spirits more than anything else in that moment, and those words of encouragement were worth more than gold to me.

These women are women I feel comfortable asking anything to, and let me tell you... you NEED that, especially in the first month.
Laura's the one that I reached out to when I felt super depressed in those first 10-12 days, and its the kind of thing where I wanted to reach out... but I was really scared to... but I knew I probably needed to... so I sent her a measly little text that just said, "So. Apparently baby blues is a real thing?" and her response was an immediate FLOOD of love, encouragement, concern, compassion... asking me the hard "What are your thoughts like? How do you feel towards Jolie?" questions with absolutely NO judgement, and ya. Just really, really REALLY what I needed in those moments. Understanding, with encouragement. Truly wind beneath my very tired, distraught, overwhelmed, weak wings.

So this lesson summed up: I couldn't do it without these women. And I firmly believe that neither can you. So don't try. Find someone. Even me!! Reach out and ask me to be this friend for you, and I gladly will. You can't give what you don't have, but thankfully I have had all the love and encouragement and honesty and friendship poured into me, especially in this first month, and I'd be sooooo privileged and honored to overflow that into your life. I of course don't have all the answers, but I love giving words of affirmation and I would LOVE to be your cheerleader and offer what very little I know to you. And I mean that. You can't do it alone, so don't try to. 

3) Trust yourself to do what's best for you and your baby, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.
This is kind of a weird lesson for me, because it came somewhat unexpectedly. Let me set the stage: I decided during my pregnancy that I wanted to do it naturally, totally drug free. From what I read, and mainly from following an old friend from high school who's profession is birth photography and consequently FALLING IN LOVE WITH BIRTH from her photos, I decided that it's something I wanted to do for myself, for my baby. It's what I thought was best for US. And by the absolute grace of God, and very little else, I did it. And yet, I was surprised by some flack I received from people for that decision. I don't know why there is any insecurity wrapped up in any part of birth or motherhood, but I saw it rear it's ugly head and, at some points, it made me feel insecure too! I received snide comments like, "Ya know, you don't get an award for a natural birth!" and "Just get the drugs! Who cares!" And my point is, and the lesson I had to learn and want to share is, that I care.
I cared. 
I read, I researched.
I prepared.
I made the decision.
And it was an important decision, to ME.
And yes, I know I don't get an award or medal for natural childbirth, but believe it or not I'm not doing it for a medal. I'm doing it because I think it's the best choice for myself and my child, based on MY convictions, and I don't appreciate the negative criticism. Those comments are rude and not encouraging to me, and frankly unnecessary.

So the lesson here is, everyone will have an opinion of what you should/shouldn't do, but at the end of the day, you have to decide, based on your convictions, goals and prayers and what you think is best for the baby... then you have to let the rest of it go.
Don't let others dictate the decisions you make. It's YOUR birth. It's YOUR baby.
Natural or C-Section, breastfed or formula, pacifier or no pacifier, schedule or no schedule. YOU research. YOU decide. And YOU enjoy the fact that you walked it out the way you wanted to, because I'll be honest, I'm absolutely in love with and so grateful for my birth experience. I have nothing negative to say about it, (besides it hurt like crazy) :), and I am so very grateful for the decision I made to do it natural. Whether it impresses anyone or not, I'm so freaking proud of myself for deciding it, doing it, and not giving up. It's truly one of my greatest accomplishments and I'm grateful for the grace to have experienced it, and now look back on it very fondly. I feel like a kick-butt mom, and I'm not going to let anyone's insecurity or rude comments take that accomplishment away from me, and neither should you, whatever you decide.

4) You probably won't feel as connected to your spouse. 
I mean, maybe you will... be more connected than ever... and that's awesome and I really really hope that's true for you!!
But it's not for us.
And I think people warned us about this? But it's still hard.
It's hard for so many reason, many that I didn't even anticipate!
It's hard because hormones are raging and baby is crying and nobody's sleeping and you suddenly become this controlling, over-bearing mama bear who knows just a TINY bit more than your husband does (thanks to the hours you've spent with Dr. Google) and the way he's doing it just isn't PERFECTLY right and if you don't teach him, who will??!?
I mean, in any other scenario you'd probably let it go, but it's OUR BABY for crying out loud... only the BEST for OUR baby!!! So you correct him, then you do it again... and again and again and before you know it, you're the nagging wife no one wants around and you realize maybe some of those (you thought were common sense, but apparently they aren't?) lessons, are actually lessons that you can let him figure out for himself.
Lessons like... maybe playing with the baby by swinging her around isn't the BEST idea to do right after she's eaten?? Stuff like that. Let him learn that on his own, even if it ruins a shirt. (Or 2). :)

Aside from this aspect of the psycho-controlling marital struggle with a newborn, there's the whole just not feeling CONNECTED thing. I think it has to do with everything mentioned above, plus the fact that you are very much in survival mode. All the time you had before baby obsessing over each other, is now completely maxxed out by all things BABY... time with baby... time waiting for baby to wake up... time waiting for baby to fall asleep... time talking about baby... it's all surrounding this new living breathing beautiful person and it's not just about the two of you anymore, and weren't you prepared for that? Hm. Guess not.

So all your attention is on this little, plus you haven't had sex in weeks (or at least you shouldn't be, heal up girl!!!), plus your tired and still feel big and unattractive and your boobs suddenly hurt and have a purpose other than just for decoration now, and you haven't had a real conversation about anything in a long time, and your idea of a romantic gesture is having your husband just wake up for once to help you burp the baby to let you fall back asleep after your 5am feeding. And you actually find yourself telling your husband, "I'm sorry. I don't hate you. Even though I'm acting like I do. And I feel like I do."

:)

It's just.... different. And you don't feel connected. I think the equation is... newborn + no sexual intimacy for 6 wks= the perfect storm for little to no connectivity.
So if you don't feel connected to your spouse... be encouraged. I THINK I'm safe in assuming that's pretty normal.
BUT!
You don't have to just LET it be crappy forever for the sake of being crappy! I mean, marriage takes work, and I think in this season it takes more work and intentionality than ever before! So try to do things to make it better.

For us, it's been helpful to see and UNDERSTAND that we need grace and patience for each other right now (like, a ton). Rather than suffer in silence and put up a bitter wall towards Bill, it's helped me to just be honest, bring up the lack-of-connection elephant in the room, and let him hold me and promise me that it won't be like this forever. And then let him do it again tomorrow. And cry. Lots of crying. And lots of wiping of tears from a husband who knows you, sees you, loves you and will be a strength for you when you are weak. God's design is the best like that.
So take heart, my friend. Enjoy the easy moments in this time, cherish them and celebrate them and brag about them, (at least to me!).
Because this is a tough season and you have to celebrate the good in the midst of the difficult. But always remember, if you keep working at the marriage, and keep working yourself (aka more patience less nagging), this tough season will pass and be a distant memory. So don't give up!

5) You don't know a lot. 
This whole lesson was a stress-adder to me. I felt suddenly very overwhelmed with how LITTLE I knew about ANYTHING when it came to taking care of my new Jolie. Google helps, but it can sometimes just be a black hole of negativity and you gotta just know when to stop. Some things came instinctively, but if I'm honest with you... many didn't and I just had to accept the fact that this season would be the season of asking a WHOLE lot of important questions about things you NEVER thought you'd need to know before. I have a feeling it'll be like that for the rest of our lives as parents, so best to embrace the life-long student mentality now and run with it.

6) You love her more than you feel like you do. 
Ok, this one might be too brutally honest for some people but since I'm in the mood of being real with you, I figured I'd be real about this too. I'd appreciate no judgement on this point, although I'm sure it's tempting to, so just do what you want I guess. But this lesson caught me very much by surprise.
There were moments, especially in that first week, where I didn't feel a whole lot of crazy-in-love FEELINGS toward her. It surprised me, discouraged me and added to the "weight of the world" cloud that hung over me a lot this month.
I found myself asking at some points, "wait... is this really it? Shouldn't it be better than this? Shouldn't I feel like this overwhelming, all consuming, magical fairy-tale happily-ever-after love for this person? What's my deal?"
In the past month, I've learned that the answer, at least for me, is YOU DO. You do love her. A lot. I just didn't feel like I did all the time. Especially in the first couple weeks, when the crazy is peaked high. Don't get me wrong, I loved this little girl so much and I knew I did. It's just the complexity of the hormonal, exhausted, overwhelmed, painful perfect storm really, really clouded my view. Those first few weeks, I was so discouraged by how little "crazy in love" feelings I had.

BUT ---- I can tell you, even after a month, that my love for her has GROWN LEAPS AND BOUNDS!!! I always thought it was silly when people said this, but it's absolutely true, I literally fall more in love with her every day. I didn't know love could GROW! But it does! I love her a million times more than today than I did the day we brought her home from the hospital! My love for her grows every single day, and even though it's a little hard to share this for the sake of being judged and seeming like a bad mom, this was a lesson that caught me by surprise and I want to share it in case any new moms reading this can relate and be encouraged by it!
 If you are in the thick of those first few weeks and saddened by your (lack-of) strong feelings of lovey-doveyness, be encouraged. Your little babe will (very soon, and very strongly) continue to capture your heart and your love for them will GROW and GROW and GROW!
I wish someone would have told me that... it would've saved me from feelings of guilt and shame and discouragement... so there you have it. Be encouraged, and let your heart fall in love deeper and deeper! Because it will. :) And at this rate, I can't imagine where it will be in a few weeks, let alone months and YEARS!

7) You'll have her figured out, then she will change. 
In just this last month, this has happened at least 3 times. Sometimes in light ways, sometimes intense ways. So intense to where I've literally looked at Jolie square in the face and said, "who are you? I do not know you. What have you done with my angel baby." :) Get used to it. (also, brush up on your knowledge of "baby growth spurts" and "wonder weeks" - definitely worth googling and knowing! Will save you lots of heartache. You're welcome.)

8) Breastfeeding. Is. Insane. 
I don't think I was adequately prepared for how hard breastfeeding was. I think I just assumed - thanks to movies and commercials and moms who breastfed in public with perfection - that it was just, easy. A natural thing. But it's not. I mean, it might be for you, and I truly hope it is for you, but it's not for me. The majority of my ("for a reason") tears had to do with breastfeeding. The majority of encouragement that I really needed this past month was encouragement to continue breastfeeding and not give up. Because I wanted to. For most of this past month, I literally felt dread every three hours because that's when she had to eat again. And it hurts so much and it's so frustrating and they tell me it gets better by 6 weeks but I'm not 100% convinced... but I promised myself to stick it out til then at least so I'm going to but man oh man is it a struggle and if you are a new mom in my shoes who cries while baby eats and wants to/has given up... just know. I get you. No judgment. Stick it out if you can and if it's what you really want, but no judgement either way. Because breastfeeding. Is. Insane.
***Quick note from a mom of an 11wk old now.... 
I'M SO HAPPY TO REPORT IT DOES GET BETTER! Right about about 5-6wks, it literally didn't hurt like it used to. I mean, it still isn't 100% pain free but it's like 95% pain free which is nothing and SO doable, and breastfeeding is actually enjoyable now! I love it and look forward to it! So if you are a new mom who really wants to breastfeed and needs encouragement, HANG IN THERE! Mentally decide to make it to at least 6 weeks, you can do it!!! If you are a new mom who decided not to breastfeed, YOU ARE AWESOME TOO! Do what's best for you, your baby and your sanity! You got this!!!!

9) Hormones are real. And a real B.
Just embrace it. You might be a really different person for a few days - or weeks - this month. If you can understand that that's normal, that will help with the changes. For me, baby blues hit on days 10-12 postpartum. I, literally, was WEEEEEPY ALL. FREAKIN. DAY.
And don't get me wrong, anyone who knows me knows I'm a cryer with the best of them, but this was NEXT LEVEL. So much so that even Bill was actually legit concerned. I cried absolutely every hour, over strange things. I mean, mainly it was over breastfeeding, of course, but over random things too. I literally would sit on my bed, weep to Bill, and then through my tears and sniffles say "Babe, I'm sorry. I'm having the baby blues. It will pass. But I'm having the baby blues. It will pass. It will pass." I think admitting it to myself helped me not get too down in the pits.
I recognized it, I acknowledged it, I called it what it was and I told myself it would pass. And it did. So just be ready - whether it's more weepy or more angry or more scared or more anything dramatic.... your hormones might mess you up for a bit there. And it's O. K.

10) Recovery is the worst. 
I think in all ways, I prepared myself for labor and for the actual birth. I thought about it, read books/blogs/stories about it, envisioned it and felt very, very prepared (but still scared... but a prepared scared) about labor and birth. What I was NOT prepared for, however, is the recovery. I'd love to give you all the gory details, and if you really want to know shoot me a message and I'll tell it to you straight - but the recovery the day/days/weeks after was so, so hard for me. Almost harder than labor and delivery. Physically (lots of pain)... emotionally (lots of pain and percocet)... just, all of it. I hated being in pain. I hated walking around in pain. I hated moving and feeling sore. I hated it. It's hard, so a lesson to upcoming new moms, just prepare for it. Know it's coming. It's inevitable (and I heard C-section recovery is EVEN worse? I hope not for you c-section mama's... but if so.. sheesh!) But be encouraged, because eventually...

10) The pain will go away... 
Enough to pee enjoyably again. Enough to get out of bed with no pain. Enough to actually want to do it all over again and have another baby one day. I had my doubts that I'd ever get there, but I'm happy to report this week I actually entertained the idea of having more children. It's awesome. So have hope!

11) She cries. Get over it.
I read somewhere once that our hormones are designed to actually be uncomfortable when our baby cries. Like, it's wired in us to not enjoy it, to bug us, so we respond. I like to think that's true because, the first couple weeks I had more fear than I would have liked. When she had screaming crying fits, I was convinced something was wrong... and when I went through the checklist and it was all ok (fed, clean diaper, burped, etc...) I figured she must've swallowed a bug that was eating her from the inside out. Because that's what it sounded like. You'll get better at it the sooner you realize that, sometimes they just cry. It will be ok.

12) Enjoy every moment. 
Oh cut the cliche's right? But seriously. You guys, I'm so dead serious. For some reason, in the couple days before Jolie came while I was still in nesting/prep mode, I wrote on the whiteboard in our room those words, "enjoy every moment." I really don't know why I chose to write those words, but there have been so many times this past month where those words have served as SUCH a HUGE, PERFECT, NEEDED reminder to me. Even when it's easy and the day passes quickly. Even when it's so so hard and you don't know if you're going to make it and the day is looooong - try to find the awesome. Try to enjoy every moment. She has already changed SO very much in this first month, it blows my mind. I know it will go quickly. I wish every day I could freeze time. So one of the most important lessons to take away, truly, truly truly try. Try to enjoy every moment.


13) You need God. 
Of course this goes without saying, I mean when DON'T we need God? Never. However, nothing really will strengthen your prayer life like having a newborn for the first time does (or should). I can't think of another time when I've felt THIS helpless, THIS overwhelmed, or was in THIS much pain. I've come to him in prayer for just about everything... from handing over my fears about keeping this little babe alive for this first month... to praying for strength to not completely lose it when it's 1am and she just won't stop crying... to praying to Him from a place of overwhelming thankfulness because your heart could burst over the love and joy you feel just from looking at her face. It's just, such a GIFT. The moments of desperation and frustration and weakness lead you to Him... and the moments of sheer bliss and joy lead you to Him. HE IS GOOD. HE IS WITH YOU. HE IS BEFORE YOU AND BEHIND YOU. HE SEES YOUR TEARS. HE LOVES YOUR BROKEN SPIRIT. HE'S ALL YOU NEED AND HE LOVES YOUR DEPENDENCE ON HIM, so don't fight it. Embrace it. You need Him more than you realize, and having a baby is a special kind of grace that opens your eyes to that again.

14) (In honor of my July 14th baby) :) Your life, will never be the same. 
And I know you've heard this a million times... but it truly is, so SO much better. Deeper. RICHER. You literally, LITERALLY haven't felt love like this before. As much as you love your amazing perfect wonderful hot husband, this love you have for your child is just so different. It's unexplainable. So, prepare your heart for it. Or don't. Because whether or not you do... this love you have for this tiny human who does nothing for you, is going to come in and implode your heart from the inside out. And you will cry tears of sheer joy randomly throughout the day just because you watch them smile, or sleep, or look around. Your heart wants to explode when they smile, like literally. It's overwhelming. Kissing, squeezing, touching, holding, swaying - all of it, it's not enough to express to them how much you love them. You wish you could, but you just can't. And, I'm assuming, that's how God sees us. :) And once you feel even a hint of that... it wrecks you for the better. So get ready. If you thought life was amazing before, just you wait.

*Last lesson... a free tip for all who care...
GET. A BIRTH. PHOTOGRAPHER!!! 

I think I received most of my skeptical looks when I shared this idea, but it is one of my better ideas in life I think and was such an AMAZING experience (for me... you'll have to ask her if it was for her!) My birth photographer was Noelle, and having her there to capture this amazing time was PRICELESS - since Jolie came in the middle of the night, Noelle came over the next day to show us a slideshow of the pictures and I cried - being able to re-live that whole experience, from an angle that I totally even missed, was SO amazing! So if you are on the fence about getting one... I SAY DO IT! YOU HONESTLY WON'T REGRET IT!!!
 

Me and my two girl power team during my labor and delivery... and yes, I know I look like crap, but its ok because I just pushed a baby out of my body. So come at me bro. ;) 

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I think that's all for now. It should be enough. Bottom line is, I've decided that having a baby for the first time is actually a conspiracy. All the parents in the world actually KNOW how hard it is... but they don't tell you REALLY how hard it is... so when you post your picture-perfect little Instagram ultrasound announcement and presume to share photos of the growing belly with the seemingly never-ending BABY COUNTDOWN.... all parents laugh. At you, not with you. Because believe it or not... the never-ending countdown actually ENDS. And the first weeks are tough. And your life is 180020309720709807x different than ever before. And you need grace like never before. And your life is 20830020398389028x BETTER than ever before... it just may take a few weeks for the dust to settle and for you to truly see that.
And that's ok.
Go at your own pace.
Adjust as you will.
Grow: up, in, out.
Enjoy every second.
Love your spouse.
Trust your gut.
Lean into your Savior.
<3 p="">Rest in the knowledge that it gets better!
Snuggle your baby.
And kiss them a lot.
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Because truly... there is no greater gift than a child... first and forever foremost, the God-child... and then really, your own child.

Being a mom is a beautiful refining adventure, and even after just a month of stepping into this role, I can honestly say it will probably be one of my favorite roles to live out. It's an absolute privilege and honor to be a mom. I get overwhelmed with wonder, awe, and gratitude when I think about it... and then when I watch her sleep, when I watch her wake up and smile. When I watch her look around and learn. My heart literally has felt like it's about to burst a million times over this month, and yet I'm still alive. It's a miracle, the whole thing is a miracle. I wouldn't trade it for literally every ounce of riches in the entire world. Nothing compares, nothing ever will, and I'm grateful for the woman that I have yet to become because of this refining adventure of being a mom to my precious Jolie Grace - one month down, forever to go.
Jesus, have Your way in me!




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2,243 Days of Marriage...

Here I sit... on the brink of something NEW.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant, only 6 days away from the expected "due date" of our first little.

I cannot. believe. we're here. 

The emotions I feel are quite sublime - I truly, to the depths of my heart, feel so overwhelmingly happy, excited, anxious, and in LOVE with this little inside of me -- and I'm dying to meet her and see her face and kiss her all over!

It's incredible. And overall, this pregnancy has been really special. And at this point, as we sit on the edge of the page of the chapter that's about to end in our story... I am overwhelmed with gratitude... but also something else.

With all the emotions of pregnancy that have loomed around my heart - though "happy" has (thankfully) trumped them all - another one that has really come up quite a bit, especially lately, has been nostalgia.

The last month or so, I've felt so very nostalgic about what's ENDING.

I mean... it's been,

 :: S I X    B E A U T I F U L  Y E A R S ::

SIX. 

SIX?!? Can you even believe it?? 

Six beautiful years.

Years of pure love and struggle.

Growth and change.

Heartache and lessons.

Pain and celebrations.

Passion and pursuit.

Romance and intentionality.

Feeling in love and choosing to love.

Joy and abundant blessing.

Friendship and trust.

Distance and separation.
Maturity and mistakes.

Appreciation and adjustment.

Grace and faithfulness.

THE STATS:::: 

In six years of marriage...

- we've been apart due to military separation for a little over 1 year. (lame.)

- we've made it through 5 deployments.

- we've lived in 3 different states (including training that brought us to the South for about 4 months).

- we've moved 4 times (whoops.) :)

- we've traveled across the country over 5,500 miles in just our moves alone...

- we've probably visited over 40 churches in our church-hunting seasons...

- we've lived far away from our families for the entirety of our relationship and marriage (hard.)

- we've traveled a TON!

- we've decorated 4 homes (and painted/re-painted 3 of them!)

- we've met some of the best people in the world and have made friendships that will literally last a lifetime.

And perhaps... the most important note of all... is that in six years of marriage... we've CHANGED.

We've grown. We've adjusted. We've moved. We've fallen and gotten back up.

The Bill & Jocelyn today are NOT the same people (slash babies) in this picture. 
(can I get a hallelujah??)

And as I think back on the last six years... the last 2,243 days... the trials and victories we've endured to be where we are today... I am absolutely undone.

God is SO good.

He has been SO very good to us.

He's held us when literally nothing else besides a promise was strong enough to.

He's been with us on our darkest, lowliest days.

He's caused us to fall back in love again, after painful seasons of heart distance and apathy.

He's revived, restored and renewed our friendship to a place of utter joy. Where our favorite place to actually be is around each other.

He's kept our heart and love for each other alive, even when we were physically separated for a long time and it was easy to just let your heart go numb.

He's pruned the ugly out of us... replacing it with His joy, kindness, patience...

He's the only thing that's made "this" work.

He's the Redeemer of our story. 

He's the Healer of our early pain and struggle and heartache.

And the victory and pure LOVE that we live in and actually FEEL towards each other today - is like a gold medal in HIS hand, for HIM to show off. 

He holds it all.

He started it all.

He sustained it all.

He wrote it all.

And now, this beautiful "just us" chapter in this forever love story is actually, ending.

And ah. It brings tears to my eyes. 

I can feel Him finalizing the details... crossing all His t's & dotting the i's...

I can see Him preparing our hearts to turn the page with Him... 

In the natural... its looked like packing a hospital bag and decorating a nursery... but spiritually, I see Him preparing us in these glimpses of grace:

- as we pray and grow in anticipation and excitement to meet our daughter... I can feel Him enlarging our heart to make room for her new little life in the midst of ours...

- as we talk about how we want to raise her and the alllllll the things we want to teach other...

- as we pray daily for wisdom and to be a TEAM in this parenting thing...

- as we seek HIS plan in the purpose HE has set out for her and how He wants to use us as her parents in that perfect plan...

- as we both swell with emotion and tears at the thought of holding our little girl soon...

- as we boldly hand over our fears, doubts, worries to Him on a daily basis...

I can see Him. Today.

I can see Him. In these last few days (weeks??) :)

I can see Him wrapping up the plot in this chapter... and, in His goodness, the finishing touches have truly involved so much JOY.

So much FLIRTING. :)

The end of this chapter has been flooded with so many late night snuggles and TV shows and chats and laughter and flirty phone calls and texts... a thousand "last" date nights and midnight McFlurry ice cream runs, just because we can. :)

Arguments have been far away and unwelcome... and our hearts are truly - truly - enjoying the friendship and love He has refined in us.
The "honeymoon season" that was SUPPOSED to be lingering in the newlywed phase but was shot down in those early months by selfishness and pain and insecurity and doubt...

Enjoying the LOVE He has resurrected... the foundation He has sustained through the crap and built solidly for our marriage... after S I X beautiful Y E A R S.

2,243 days. 

I wouldn't take a single day back. 

And... if we're being REALLY honest... at this point I'd probably add at least 100 more days... because as excited as I am to meet her... I'm a little sad that the "just us" season is ending!!!

Ahhhhh how can it be!!!! :)

I'm caught in this middle ground of NOT wanting this season to end and OVERWHELMINGLY READY for the next one to begin!!! Being human is so silly. :)

But I can trust Him. He knows what's best. He saw this love story unfold, from the second I walked up to the big blonde guy eating a sloppy joe at the O'Bryant's house on May 10, 2008 and said "Hi... are you Bill?"

And then a few days later, He was watching with a smile on His face as I walked into that Chick-fil-a on May 14th and Bill bought my dinner and 3 hours later, we realized that we had fallen in love and had no idea what was in store for us... BUT GOD already had our marriage all outlined and highlighted and edited and perfected.

SIX YEARS. :)

He is all-knowing, all-sustaining.

He's held us this far and He won't abandon us now.

When I promised my forever to Bill on May 21, 2010 - I DIDN'T KNOW what the story would look like. I DIDN'T KNOW the pain to come. I DIDN'T KNOW the celebrations and love to come.

I was just a girl in love who made a promise and jumped into an adventure and it was the hardest and absolute best thing of my life.

And today... in these last pages of chapter one... as we stand on the brink of EVERYTHING unknown... I want to rest in the fact that, once again, HE KNOWS.

He has PROVEN Himself to be the UTTERLY good, faithful and trustworthy Author of our story. 

HE KNOWS the victories and challenges we have ahead of us once this page turns and we adjust our love story to add a little... :)
HE KNOWS the plot-twists ahead as we fall in love - AGAIN - but this time with a sweet girl that is half-me-half-him and all HIS.

HE KNOWS the mountain-tops and valleys of this next season.

HE KNOWS the hardships and victories.

HE KNOWS the terrible failures and the sweet grace we'll need to get back up again.

HE KNOWS the seasons of joy and grief and doubt and fear and peace.

HE KNOWS.

And... after 2,243 days... married to the best man I know... more in love today that we've ever been before... led by the God-man we call our King... on the brink of something NEW...

I would love to just DECLARE from my heart, that 

Jesus, I trust You. 

You've held the pen. You've authored the story. You've loved and lavished. You've rescued and redeemed. 

This past 6-year-GLORIOUS chapter was Yours - from first letter, to final word.

This next (25-30 year?) UNKNOWN chapter is Yours, fully and completely.

I trust You and Your timing.

I trust You to finalize every detail in Your perfect grace.

I trust You to prepare us better than we can prepare ourselves.

I trust You to be in the season ahead... before and behind, hemming us in.

I trust You Lord.

And as You turn the page... and our next (better?) adventure is about to begin... 

and we tie a (possibly pink) :) bow on these last 6 truly beautiful years of the "just us season"... 

The overwhelming cry of my heart is... 

Thank You, my King. 

Our Daughter's Inheritance:::

I've been meaning to come on here and blog a little bit, intentionally highlighting and documenting the journey of our newest little JOY and GIFT that God's given to us... the little baby girl that even now is wiggling in my tummy to remind me she's always there and that she is going to be a little world-shaker for Jesus. :)

It's amazing that I love her so much already!

But even getting to that point, if I'm honest, has been a bit of a struggle. And that's what I want to journal about and process a bit now.

It's hard sometimes to write something like this, because I understand the sensitivity of the subject of pregnancy and fear. I personally know many, many women who have miscarried, had multiple miscarriages, or have struggled/struggle currently with infertility. And the many names that even now come to mind, are names of STRONG women that I absolutely love and admire, and knowing the path that God has chosen them to walk through - be it a first miscarriage, or in some cases even an 8th or 9th... or perhaps still, achingly longing for the little plus sign to show up  on a test in the first place... knowing that that is their journey, absolutely breaks my heart.

I hurt for them.

At this stage of my journey, I am unable to fully know the depths of what they feel, the fears they have to fight, the pain they have to overcome or the dependence they have to have on God in this area of life. I don't claim to, and this blog isn't even to compare myself even remotely to their struggle.

But my heart does ache for them.

And as I continue on to talk about my own struggles throughout this pregnancy, I truly do so now even first acknowledging these women... and all women who have walked the painful journey.... acknowledging their loss(es), their fears, their shattered hopes... and just want to clearly state that if any of them read this, I love you. I don't know what you are feeling. But my heart aches for you. And I hope through your loss, you have experienced the overwhelming love of our Savior in a deeper way than even I could ever dream.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted..."

You are loved.

You are held.

You are His.

You are not forgotten.

And I acknowledge you, respect you, pray for you, admire you and esteem you today and always.

~

Now, the journey I've been on and the fears I have personally had in my pregnancy, especially at the very beginning, hit me like a mighty and very unexpected blow. It's all very personal to me, and very vulnerable but if I could share this journey with anyone and it can help and encourage in any way, it's worth it to me. 

When I first found out I was pregnant, we went to get the first ultrasound and... there was no baby. I was measuring 5 weeks, (super early...) so almost from the very start, I was struck with anxiety and a blanket of fear about the whole thing. This anxiety heightened when I received the confirming call from my OB the next week... "Just so you know, you were measuring 5 weeks. But due to your cycle, you should be about 8 weeks along... so either you're earlier than we thought... or you have an unhealthy pregnancy."

Um....... thanks?

With the plan of telling my family just a few days later at Thanksgiving.... I couldn't help but be a ball of fear and worry. Bill and I prayed a LOT. And decided to go and spill the exciting news at Thanksgiving anyways... just HOPING that when we returned and had our second scan a few weeks later, that I would be further along and little baby would just be earlier than we thought. Peace was nowhere in sight, to be honest. But we hoped. 

And sure enough... Nov 30, 2015... I was measuring 7 weeks. Baby was growing! Thank You Jesus.

I wish I could say that that last day in November was the last time I had any ounce of fear in this process... that once I saw that the baby was growing and our first prayers were answered, I handed my fears over the Lord and gave Him full control in exchange for His full peace throughout this process....

But nope.

Almost every appointment after that first one, was surrounded - no, SUBMERGED in fear. And not just your casual fear... this internal, ugly, all-consuming, mind-obsessed, PARALYZING fear.

Externally, I was happy, for sure. And I know in my heart I was happy. But I NEVER had peace. I never was JUST HAPPY. 

My happiness was almost always stifled by fear... this ongoing reminder that something terrible could, and probably would, happen.

The fact was that this baby was growing in my womb - or so  I hoped - and I had NOTHING to do with the outcome. This miracle was happening in my body and I had absolutely NO control over it. And for a bit of a control freak like me... this was hard. 

Externally? Oh ya I was of course happy. 

Internally? I. Was. Terrified.

It was a grey fog over my joy and it truly discolored my world early on in  my pregnancy.

Every fear reared its ugly head...

Every lie was whispered by the enemy... and instead of silencing him, like I have the authority IN CHRIST to do as His daughter... I let his paralyzing questions roll around in my head all day, every day...

"Well, you haven't had much morning sickness, isn't that a bad sign?"

"You have basically no cravings except oranges, do you think the baby is still alive in there?"

"Ahh your appointment is still 3 weeks away, what if baby's heart stops beating today and you don't know and you have to wait?"

"Still 3 weeks til' the second trimester... anything can happen! I hope I don't lose the baby before then! We just gotta make it three more weeks!"
"Uh oh... you've already probably told too many people before the second trimester, don't jinx it..."
"Don't forget that story you heard from a friend who miscarried at 12 weeks... so even at the second trimester, nothing is safe.."

"You aren't really showing yet... I hope the baby hasn't stopped growing..."

"Maybe you SHOULD get the genetic test, so you can prepare yourself for any genetic abnormalities..."

And the worst, worst lie yet... whispered for days before each and every appointment...

"Just brace yourself Jo, you probably won't hear the heartbeat this time."

Y'all, I was dying inside.

I lived with the expectation of the worst.

I cried all the time, tears that came from a deep, heart cry.

I was deeply, deeply sad.

The longer I lived in this pool of anxiety, the more my joy was absolutely stolen from me.

And then, of course, as the enemy tends to do after he screws with your brain to begin with... he piled on the guilt.

"COME ON JOCELYN! This should be the happiest news and season of your life! And yet, you're basically depressed and expecting something bad to happen, WHO THINKS LIKE THAT? You should be ashamed of yourself!"

It was such a weird season.
Happy one second, then reminded that I probably shouldn't be the next.
Joy for just a moment, then fear making it's comeback.

Poor Bill was wonderful and fearless through it all, of course. He was gentle in loving me through my doubts, but strong and firm in speaking truth over them. His strength so beautifully covered my weakness - which is what reminds me over and over again how good God is to give us the gift of marriage.
Strength to hold up weakness... peace to cover fear... God's picture, God's plan. So perfect. Always perfect. 

Billy held me when when I had fleeting moments of joy, and he held me when I literally sobbed in our room, asking him in desperation...
"But, HOW do you just have peace about this babe? HOW do you just KNOW there will be a heartbeat next time? HOW are you not freaking out worried? HOW are you absolutely fearless in all of this?"
and... most importantly... the cry of my heart... HOW could I get to that place of perfect peace, perfect joy, perfect confidence that it was going to be ok?

I prayed so, so much. In agony. For God to take away my fear and anxiety.

I repented of my fear and doubt and desire to control. I really, really did - on my knees, in my heart, through my pain, with my sobs, surrendering over and over and over again, really FULLY repented.

I cried out for His peace. I cried out for His joy. I cried out for faith.
I hated my fear.

I hated what my fear exposed...

It exposed that I trusted so little in the God who loved me.

I hated what my fear silenced...

It silenced the joy I felt in that first trimester and half of the second. 

I hated what my fear shut-down...

It shut down any chance of my heart fully bonding with, emotionally connecting and being excited over this darling little life THAT WAS GROWING inside of me.

I hated what my fear stirred up... 

It stirred up expectations of death which AREN'T from God.

So, I was at the end of my rope and finally broke my silence. 

To more people than just Bill.

I not only hated my fear, but was actually ashamed of my fear - mainly because I knew there were other women even in my life who had more of a LEGITIMATE reason TO be afraid.
And what real reason did I have to fear??  Nothing.

That fact alone almost caused me to shut up entirely.

But, I was desperate.

I was losing in this battle between total joy and total fear.

And after someone made the comment of... "Yeah... just wait til' the baby is actually BORN and you are responsible for keeping them alive for the next 18 years... that fear never really goes away..." 

...
after hearing THAT profession...
Bill and I KNEW enough was enough. 
We didn't want to parent in fear  (forEVER!) and I knew in my heart that I didn't want to live the rest of my life in this paralyzed hole!

It was time to deal the deal. 

It was time to get help.

It was time to tell someone.

It was time to let light shine into my dark secret of "being happy but scared to death."

It was hard. I was confused and I wanted to hold back.
My shame almost silenced me.

But when I finally opened up a bit to some people, my sister-in-love shared her heart with me and her words of truth really AWAKENED my heart to see what was truly going on beneath the surface.

She reminded me how important it was for me to ANTICIPATE LIFE, not death! 
SPEAK LIFE over my baby! 

Don't allow my fear and worry to creep into the spirit of my baby, but FALL IN LOVE with this little life that God is growing inside of me because HE already is in love with her! 

That God already has a plan for her life, and I want to co-partner with HIM on this plan of LIFE and TRUTH that He has in place for her!

FEAR HAS NO PLACE!!!!

Sar's words brought tears to my eyes and courage to my heart.

I didn't want my to turn to google for peace and solutions to my nagging pregnancy fears and symptoms each and every day...
Why search for peace from the INTERNET, when I can get my peace from the I AM?
Come on, my soul!

I realized that at that point, I hadn't really done too much emotional connecting with this growing little darling inside of me.

I let my fear dictate how I thought about this baby, how I connected with her and how much (or little) I fell in love with her.

After opening up - letting GOD'S LIGHT OF TRUTH flood into the dark corner of my heart that let fear rule - I truly believe that I became, to a more real extent, so very FREE.

Free from FEAR.

Free to DOUBT.

Free from LOSS.

Free from WORRY.

But more importantly...

Free to pray BOLD PRAYERS over her life.

Free to dream BIG DREAMS about her future.

Free to fall DEEPLY IN LOVE with her already.

Free to partner WITH GOD over the plans He has for her.

Free to SPEAK LIFE over her growing body, over each little kick and wiggle I feel inside.

<3 p="">

And then... after watching a video tonight of Lisa Bevere talking about her own sons and how she raised them, she said something so deeply TRUE and PROFOUND that it shook me to my core.

She said: 

"Your children will inherit one of two things: either GOD'S PROMISES, or YOUR FEARS. 

So you better FIGURE OUT 

what you are going to 

SPEAK OVER YOUR CHILDREN!"

Talk about affirmation... YES LORD! I believe this to my core! 

And her bold reminder is what inspired my heart again and renewed my courage to WRITE IT DOWN NOW - put a STAKE in the ground about what God has so gently taught me through this season... to share about my struggle with fear throughout this pregnancy, and still boldly proclaim OVER this struggle what God has recently been telling me about this sweet little girl the past month! 

These words over her little life are LOCKED IN MY HEART and I have EVERY INTENTION to SILENCE THE ENEMY with them! 

:: JOY :: 

When I pray for her, God shares the word JOY with me.

That her life, her spirit, will be one of JOY - she will carry the Spirit of Joy and bring a deep JOY into the lives of those around her. The JOY of the Lord will be her STRENGTH!

:: WORSHIPER ::

When Billy prayed for her, he heard that she was going to be a WORSHIPER. She will delight in worship to her King and find her greatest joy in His presence! 

:: KINGDOM :: 

I don't know exactly what this means... but if it has anything to do with her heart for His Kingdom or partnering with Him for the Kingdom, then Bill and I are on board and praying that over her! 

:: SWEET :: 

This is probably a weird one, but ever since we found out it was a girl... every time I think about our daughter it's just impressed upon my heart how SWEET she is. How SWEET of a big sister she will be one day. How SWEETly she will love us, how SWEET she will adore her daddy. I never really categorize myself as a necessarily overly "sweet" person --- I suppose you can thank the sarcasm for that -- but when I think and pray about our girl, I have a feeling she will have such a sweet, "dulce" spirit and heart and demeanor. Spiritual or not... I can't shake this word and pray it over her... she's my sweet baby girl! :) 

-- 

These are the words He has given me about her so far, and these are the words I will choose to speak over her life...
 no matter how LONG, or how SHORT... how hard, or how simple... how radiant, or how painful.
These are her promises, spoken to us by the God of the UNIVERSE who has woven & spun her perfectly in my womb and has been since day 1.

I want my daughter to inherit GOD'S PROMISES. 

I want my daughter to, even now, know the JOY OF THE LORD in her sweet spirit because her mom walks in it daily. 

I want my daughter to become a woman who KNOWS GRACE - lives in it, delights in it, depends on it. 

I want my daughter to know how truly LOVED she is - even now - how truly, completely, utterly and FULLY LOVED she is. 

And I want the enemy of my soul to know... 

his game of robbing my joy is OVER!

I'm done with his lies, his fears, his accusations and his doubts. 

I let him have too much time throughout this pregnancy where I let myself entertain his lies and those days are OVER. 

that EVERY FEAR HAS NO PLACE at the sound of the Name of Jesus!

For this pregnancy - and every pregnancy to come - no matter what happens... in joy, in sorrow, in loss, in hope, in victory, in brokenness, in abundant blessing... I will proclaim that:

My child is a GIFT from the Lord, and forever belongs TO the Lord!

My daughter will be a daughter of Most High God!

My daughter will confess in her heart and with her mouth the Name of JESUS CHRIST! 

My daughter will be a fierce participant in the Kingdom of God and a force to be reckoned with against his kingdom of darkness!

My daughter will be clothed in strength and dignity!

My daughter will walk in the Spirit! 

My daughter will be blessed! 

My daughter will have a spirit of joy - breaking the bonds of depression wherever she goes! 

My daughter will be a worshiper of the the King!

And I, as her mother, WILL LAUGH WITHOUT FEAR OF THE FUTURE.

:) 

In Jesus' Name...