And then, I opened my blog and saw the title of my last post.... and was discouraged even more. "Courage I miss you."
Wait, I had fear issues back in October too? You mean to tell me it's been about 3 months and I feel like I'm still in square one in dealing with my fears?
This new year alone has opened my eyes to my struggle, and really the stronghold, of fear in my life.
I never consider myself to be a "scared" or "fearful" person. I think I sort of internally concluded that my extroverted, socially confident personality meant that I was a confident person. Confident = not fearful. Makes sense to me.
Growing up, I would watch scary movies with the best of them... no nightmares for me! I had a very secure up-bringing... parents that loved me, talents that I excelled in, friends that prioritized me in their life. I had boys like me that I liked back - not all, of course, but enough to let me never really struggle with insecurity in that sense. Then finally, the man that asked me to be his forever was the best catch of them all - I had no reason to be fearful, insecure or lack confidence because from every angle, I had wonderful security in my life. And in my limited view of life, being secure meant I had nothing to fear.
Then... life continues to fly by....
Cue marriage - I've expressed the struggles there in my previous post.
Cue moving - I've somewhat touched on the struggles presented there. The pain of making new friends as an adult... the pain of being "the new kid" in the church that's all grown up for years together. Breaking into an established community of long-time friendships can really test your confidence. Do people like me? Am I funny enough? Do they think I'm worth pursuing in a friendship? Then finally settling INTO a sense of a community... feeling like you finally belong.... and moving again and starting all over. This "confident" heart and "extroverted" personality has had her fair share of anxious moments, friendships and difficulties with each stage.
Then... and perhaps what's been one of the MOST exciting blessings of our life... the news of a new little LOVE coming to join our family!!! Cue baby. :) Still makes my heart so happy to think about!
It seems with each new phase of life... with each new blessing.... comes a new adventure.... a new unknown... and each unknown, a new level of giving over control. Of battling anxiety. Of trying to surrender.
I don't want to be a person who professes to believe in a Savior who fearlessly, and willingly handed Himself over to be c r u c i f i e d... and have my life not even resemble that same boldness. And love. Amazing love.
I don't want to be a person who claims to be a follower of the risen King named Jesus- commander of wind and waves - and lets fear rule her life. To believe by speech and not with my life... which probably isn't saying much anyways since talk is so very cheap.
I want to be FREE OF FEAR.
I want to be FULL OF GODLY CONFIDENCE.
I want to be OBEDIENT, and Jesus said TO FEAR NOT.
So, if you read this, pray for me to walk in that. I desperately need it and want to live in it fully.
