Our Daughter's Inheritance:::

I've been meaning to come on here and blog a little bit, intentionally highlighting and documenting the journey of our newest little JOY and GIFT that God's given to us... the little baby girl that even now is wiggling in my tummy to remind me she's always there and that she is going to be a little world-shaker for Jesus. :)

It's amazing that I love her so much already!

But even getting to that point, if I'm honest, has been a bit of a struggle. And that's what I want to journal about and process a bit now.

It's hard sometimes to write something like this, because I understand the sensitivity of the subject of pregnancy and fear. I personally know many, many women who have miscarried, had multiple miscarriages, or have struggled/struggle currently with infertility. And the many names that even now come to mind, are names of STRONG women that I absolutely love and admire, and knowing the path that God has chosen them to walk through - be it a first miscarriage, or in some cases even an 8th or 9th... or perhaps still, achingly longing for the little plus sign to show up  on a test in the first place... knowing that that is their journey, absolutely breaks my heart.

I hurt for them.

At this stage of my journey, I am unable to fully know the depths of what they feel, the fears they have to fight, the pain they have to overcome or the dependence they have to have on God in this area of life. I don't claim to, and this blog isn't even to compare myself even remotely to their struggle.

But my heart does ache for them.

And as I continue on to talk about my own struggles throughout this pregnancy, I truly do so now even first acknowledging these women... and all women who have walked the painful journey.... acknowledging their loss(es), their fears, their shattered hopes... and just want to clearly state that if any of them read this, I love you. I don't know what you are feeling. But my heart aches for you. And I hope through your loss, you have experienced the overwhelming love of our Savior in a deeper way than even I could ever dream.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted..."

You are loved.

You are held.

You are His.

You are not forgotten.

And I acknowledge you, respect you, pray for you, admire you and esteem you today and always.

~

Now, the journey I've been on and the fears I have personally had in my pregnancy, especially at the very beginning, hit me like a mighty and very unexpected blow. It's all very personal to me, and very vulnerable but if I could share this journey with anyone and it can help and encourage in any way, it's worth it to me. 

When I first found out I was pregnant, we went to get the first ultrasound and... there was no baby. I was measuring 5 weeks, (super early...) so almost from the very start, I was struck with anxiety and a blanket of fear about the whole thing. This anxiety heightened when I received the confirming call from my OB the next week... "Just so you know, you were measuring 5 weeks. But due to your cycle, you should be about 8 weeks along... so either you're earlier than we thought... or you have an unhealthy pregnancy."

Um....... thanks?

With the plan of telling my family just a few days later at Thanksgiving.... I couldn't help but be a ball of fear and worry. Bill and I prayed a LOT. And decided to go and spill the exciting news at Thanksgiving anyways... just HOPING that when we returned and had our second scan a few weeks later, that I would be further along and little baby would just be earlier than we thought. Peace was nowhere in sight, to be honest. But we hoped. 

And sure enough... Nov 30, 2015... I was measuring 7 weeks. Baby was growing! Thank You Jesus.

I wish I could say that that last day in November was the last time I had any ounce of fear in this process... that once I saw that the baby was growing and our first prayers were answered, I handed my fears over the Lord and gave Him full control in exchange for His full peace throughout this process....

But nope.

Almost every appointment after that first one, was surrounded - no, SUBMERGED in fear. And not just your casual fear... this internal, ugly, all-consuming, mind-obsessed, PARALYZING fear.

Externally, I was happy, for sure. And I know in my heart I was happy. But I NEVER had peace. I never was JUST HAPPY. 

My happiness was almost always stifled by fear... this ongoing reminder that something terrible could, and probably would, happen.

The fact was that this baby was growing in my womb - or so  I hoped - and I had NOTHING to do with the outcome. This miracle was happening in my body and I had absolutely NO control over it. And for a bit of a control freak like me... this was hard. 

Externally? Oh ya I was of course happy. 

Internally? I. Was. Terrified.

It was a grey fog over my joy and it truly discolored my world early on in  my pregnancy.

Every fear reared its ugly head...

Every lie was whispered by the enemy... and instead of silencing him, like I have the authority IN CHRIST to do as His daughter... I let his paralyzing questions roll around in my head all day, every day...

"Well, you haven't had much morning sickness, isn't that a bad sign?"

"You have basically no cravings except oranges, do you think the baby is still alive in there?"

"Ahh your appointment is still 3 weeks away, what if baby's heart stops beating today and you don't know and you have to wait?"

"Still 3 weeks til' the second trimester... anything can happen! I hope I don't lose the baby before then! We just gotta make it three more weeks!"
"Uh oh... you've already probably told too many people before the second trimester, don't jinx it..."
"Don't forget that story you heard from a friend who miscarried at 12 weeks... so even at the second trimester, nothing is safe.."

"You aren't really showing yet... I hope the baby hasn't stopped growing..."

"Maybe you SHOULD get the genetic test, so you can prepare yourself for any genetic abnormalities..."

And the worst, worst lie yet... whispered for days before each and every appointment...

"Just brace yourself Jo, you probably won't hear the heartbeat this time."

Y'all, I was dying inside.

I lived with the expectation of the worst.

I cried all the time, tears that came from a deep, heart cry.

I was deeply, deeply sad.

The longer I lived in this pool of anxiety, the more my joy was absolutely stolen from me.

And then, of course, as the enemy tends to do after he screws with your brain to begin with... he piled on the guilt.

"COME ON JOCELYN! This should be the happiest news and season of your life! And yet, you're basically depressed and expecting something bad to happen, WHO THINKS LIKE THAT? You should be ashamed of yourself!"

It was such a weird season.
Happy one second, then reminded that I probably shouldn't be the next.
Joy for just a moment, then fear making it's comeback.

Poor Bill was wonderful and fearless through it all, of course. He was gentle in loving me through my doubts, but strong and firm in speaking truth over them. His strength so beautifully covered my weakness - which is what reminds me over and over again how good God is to give us the gift of marriage.
Strength to hold up weakness... peace to cover fear... God's picture, God's plan. So perfect. Always perfect. 

Billy held me when when I had fleeting moments of joy, and he held me when I literally sobbed in our room, asking him in desperation...
"But, HOW do you just have peace about this babe? HOW do you just KNOW there will be a heartbeat next time? HOW are you not freaking out worried? HOW are you absolutely fearless in all of this?"
and... most importantly... the cry of my heart... HOW could I get to that place of perfect peace, perfect joy, perfect confidence that it was going to be ok?

I prayed so, so much. In agony. For God to take away my fear and anxiety.

I repented of my fear and doubt and desire to control. I really, really did - on my knees, in my heart, through my pain, with my sobs, surrendering over and over and over again, really FULLY repented.

I cried out for His peace. I cried out for His joy. I cried out for faith.
I hated my fear.

I hated what my fear exposed...

It exposed that I trusted so little in the God who loved me.

I hated what my fear silenced...

It silenced the joy I felt in that first trimester and half of the second. 

I hated what my fear shut-down...

It shut down any chance of my heart fully bonding with, emotionally connecting and being excited over this darling little life THAT WAS GROWING inside of me.

I hated what my fear stirred up... 

It stirred up expectations of death which AREN'T from God.

So, I was at the end of my rope and finally broke my silence. 

To more people than just Bill.

I not only hated my fear, but was actually ashamed of my fear - mainly because I knew there were other women even in my life who had more of a LEGITIMATE reason TO be afraid.
And what real reason did I have to fear??  Nothing.

That fact alone almost caused me to shut up entirely.

But, I was desperate.

I was losing in this battle between total joy and total fear.

And after someone made the comment of... "Yeah... just wait til' the baby is actually BORN and you are responsible for keeping them alive for the next 18 years... that fear never really goes away..." 

...
after hearing THAT profession...
Bill and I KNEW enough was enough. 
We didn't want to parent in fear  (forEVER!) and I knew in my heart that I didn't want to live the rest of my life in this paralyzed hole!

It was time to deal the deal. 

It was time to get help.

It was time to tell someone.

It was time to let light shine into my dark secret of "being happy but scared to death."

It was hard. I was confused and I wanted to hold back.
My shame almost silenced me.

But when I finally opened up a bit to some people, my sister-in-love shared her heart with me and her words of truth really AWAKENED my heart to see what was truly going on beneath the surface.

She reminded me how important it was for me to ANTICIPATE LIFE, not death! 
SPEAK LIFE over my baby! 

Don't allow my fear and worry to creep into the spirit of my baby, but FALL IN LOVE with this little life that God is growing inside of me because HE already is in love with her! 

That God already has a plan for her life, and I want to co-partner with HIM on this plan of LIFE and TRUTH that He has in place for her!

FEAR HAS NO PLACE!!!!

Sar's words brought tears to my eyes and courage to my heart.

I didn't want my to turn to google for peace and solutions to my nagging pregnancy fears and symptoms each and every day...
Why search for peace from the INTERNET, when I can get my peace from the I AM?
Come on, my soul!

I realized that at that point, I hadn't really done too much emotional connecting with this growing little darling inside of me.

I let my fear dictate how I thought about this baby, how I connected with her and how much (or little) I fell in love with her.

After opening up - letting GOD'S LIGHT OF TRUTH flood into the dark corner of my heart that let fear rule - I truly believe that I became, to a more real extent, so very FREE.

Free from FEAR.

Free to DOUBT.

Free from LOSS.

Free from WORRY.

But more importantly...

Free to pray BOLD PRAYERS over her life.

Free to dream BIG DREAMS about her future.

Free to fall DEEPLY IN LOVE with her already.

Free to partner WITH GOD over the plans He has for her.

Free to SPEAK LIFE over her growing body, over each little kick and wiggle I feel inside.

<3 p="">

And then... after watching a video tonight of Lisa Bevere talking about her own sons and how she raised them, she said something so deeply TRUE and PROFOUND that it shook me to my core.

She said: 

"Your children will inherit one of two things: either GOD'S PROMISES, or YOUR FEARS. 

So you better FIGURE OUT 

what you are going to 

SPEAK OVER YOUR CHILDREN!"

Talk about affirmation... YES LORD! I believe this to my core! 

And her bold reminder is what inspired my heart again and renewed my courage to WRITE IT DOWN NOW - put a STAKE in the ground about what God has so gently taught me through this season... to share about my struggle with fear throughout this pregnancy, and still boldly proclaim OVER this struggle what God has recently been telling me about this sweet little girl the past month! 

These words over her little life are LOCKED IN MY HEART and I have EVERY INTENTION to SILENCE THE ENEMY with them! 

:: JOY :: 

When I pray for her, God shares the word JOY with me.

That her life, her spirit, will be one of JOY - she will carry the Spirit of Joy and bring a deep JOY into the lives of those around her. The JOY of the Lord will be her STRENGTH!

:: WORSHIPER ::

When Billy prayed for her, he heard that she was going to be a WORSHIPER. She will delight in worship to her King and find her greatest joy in His presence! 

:: KINGDOM :: 

I don't know exactly what this means... but if it has anything to do with her heart for His Kingdom or partnering with Him for the Kingdom, then Bill and I are on board and praying that over her! 

:: SWEET :: 

This is probably a weird one, but ever since we found out it was a girl... every time I think about our daughter it's just impressed upon my heart how SWEET she is. How SWEET of a big sister she will be one day. How SWEETly she will love us, how SWEET she will adore her daddy. I never really categorize myself as a necessarily overly "sweet" person --- I suppose you can thank the sarcasm for that -- but when I think and pray about our girl, I have a feeling she will have such a sweet, "dulce" spirit and heart and demeanor. Spiritual or not... I can't shake this word and pray it over her... she's my sweet baby girl! :) 

-- 

These are the words He has given me about her so far, and these are the words I will choose to speak over her life...
 no matter how LONG, or how SHORT... how hard, or how simple... how radiant, or how painful.
These are her promises, spoken to us by the God of the UNIVERSE who has woven & spun her perfectly in my womb and has been since day 1.

I want my daughter to inherit GOD'S PROMISES. 

I want my daughter to, even now, know the JOY OF THE LORD in her sweet spirit because her mom walks in it daily. 

I want my daughter to become a woman who KNOWS GRACE - lives in it, delights in it, depends on it. 

I want my daughter to know how truly LOVED she is - even now - how truly, completely, utterly and FULLY LOVED she is. 

And I want the enemy of my soul to know... 

his game of robbing my joy is OVER!

I'm done with his lies, his fears, his accusations and his doubts. 

I let him have too much time throughout this pregnancy where I let myself entertain his lies and those days are OVER. 

that EVERY FEAR HAS NO PLACE at the sound of the Name of Jesus!

For this pregnancy - and every pregnancy to come - no matter what happens... in joy, in sorrow, in loss, in hope, in victory, in brokenness, in abundant blessing... I will proclaim that:

My child is a GIFT from the Lord, and forever belongs TO the Lord!

My daughter will be a daughter of Most High God!

My daughter will confess in her heart and with her mouth the Name of JESUS CHRIST! 

My daughter will be a fierce participant in the Kingdom of God and a force to be reckoned with against his kingdom of darkness!

My daughter will be clothed in strength and dignity!

My daughter will walk in the Spirit! 

My daughter will be blessed! 

My daughter will have a spirit of joy - breaking the bonds of depression wherever she goes! 

My daughter will be a worshiper of the the King!

And I, as her mother, WILL LAUGH WITHOUT FEAR OF THE FUTURE.

:) 

In Jesus' Name...