Here I sit... on the brink of something NEW.
I'm 39 weeks pregnant, only 6 days away from the expected "due date" of our first little.
I cannot. believe. we're here.
The emotions I feel are quite sublime - I truly, to the depths of my heart, feel so overwhelmingly happy, excited, anxious, and in LOVE with this little inside of me -- and I'm dying to meet her and see her face and kiss her all over!
It's incredible. And overall, this pregnancy has been really special. And at this point, as we sit on the edge of the page of the chapter that's about to end in our story... I am overwhelmed with gratitude... but also something else.
With all the emotions of pregnancy that have loomed around my heart - though "happy" has (thankfully) trumped them all - another one that has really come up quite a bit, especially lately, has been nostalgia.
The last month or so, I've felt so very nostalgic about what's ENDING.
I mean... it's been,
:: S I X B E A U T I F U L Y E A R S ::
SIX.
SIX?!? Can you even believe it??
Six beautiful years.
Years of pure love and struggle.
Growth and change.
Heartache and lessons.
Pain and celebrations.
Passion and pursuit.
Romance and intentionality.
Feeling in love and choosing to love.
Joy and abundant blessing.
Friendship and trust.
Distance and separation.
Maturity and mistakes.
Maturity and mistakes.
Appreciation and adjustment.
Grace and faithfulness.
THE STATS::::
In six years of marriage...
- we've been apart due to military separation for a little over 1 year. (lame.)
- we've made it through 5 deployments.
- we've lived in 3 different states (including training that brought us to the South for about 4 months).
- we've moved 4 times (whoops.) :)
- we've traveled across the country over 5,500 miles in just our moves alone...
- we've probably visited over 40 churches in our church-hunting seasons...
- we've lived far away from our families for the entirety of our relationship and marriage (hard.)
- we've traveled a TON!
- we've decorated 4 homes (and painted/re-painted 3 of them!)
- we've met some of the best people in the world and have made friendships that will literally last a lifetime.
And perhaps... the most important note of all... is that in six years of marriage... we've CHANGED.
We've grown. We've adjusted. We've moved. We've fallen and gotten back up.
The Bill & Jocelyn today are NOT the same people (slash babies) in this picture.
(can I get a hallelujah??)
(can I get a hallelujah??)
And as I think back on the last six years... the last 2,243 days... the trials and victories we've endured to be where we are today... I am absolutely undone.
God is SO good.
He has been SO very good to us.
He's held us when literally nothing else besides a promise was strong enough to.
He's been with us on our darkest, lowliest days.
He's caused us to fall back in love again, after painful seasons of heart distance and apathy.
He's revived, restored and renewed our friendship to a place of utter joy. Where our favorite place to actually be is around each other.
He's kept our heart and love for each other alive, even when we were physically separated for a long time and it was easy to just let your heart go numb.
He's pruned the ugly out of us... replacing it with His joy, kindness, patience...
He's the only thing that's made "this" work.
He's the Redeemer of our story.
He's the Healer of our early pain and struggle and heartache.
And the victory and pure LOVE that we live in and actually FEEL towards each other today - is like a gold medal in HIS hand, for HIM to show off.
He holds it all.
He started it all.
He sustained it all.
He wrote it all.
And now, this beautiful "just us" chapter in this forever love story is actually, ending.
And ah. It brings tears to my eyes.
I can feel Him finalizing the details... crossing all His t's & dotting the i's...
I can see Him preparing our hearts to turn the page with Him...
In the natural... its looked like packing a hospital bag and decorating a nursery... but spiritually, I see Him preparing us in these glimpses of grace:
- as we pray and grow in anticipation and excitement to meet our daughter... I can feel Him enlarging our heart to make room for her new little life in the midst of ours...
- as we talk about how we want to raise her and the alllllll the things we want to teach other...
- as we pray daily for wisdom and to be a TEAM in this parenting thing...
- as we seek HIS plan in the purpose HE has set out for her and how He wants to use us as her parents in that perfect plan...
- as we both swell with emotion and tears at the thought of holding our little girl soon...
- as we boldly hand over our fears, doubts, worries to Him on a daily basis...
I can see Him. Today.
I can see Him. In these last few days (weeks??) :)
I can see Him wrapping up the plot in this chapter... and, in His goodness, the finishing touches have truly involved so much JOY.
So much FLIRTING. :)
The end of this chapter has been flooded with so many late night snuggles and TV shows and chats and laughter and flirty phone calls and texts... a thousand "last" date nights and midnight McFlurry ice cream runs, just because we can. :)
Arguments have been far away and unwelcome... and our hearts are truly - truly - enjoying the friendship and love He has refined in us.
The "honeymoon season" that was SUPPOSED to be lingering in the newlywed phase but was shot down in those early months by selfishness and pain and insecurity and doubt...
The "honeymoon season" that was SUPPOSED to be lingering in the newlywed phase but was shot down in those early months by selfishness and pain and insecurity and doubt...
Enjoying the LOVE He has resurrected... the foundation He has sustained through the crap and built solidly for our marriage... after S I X beautiful Y E A R S.
2,243 days.
I wouldn't take a single day back.
And... if we're being REALLY honest... at this point I'd probably add at least 100 more days... because as excited as I am to meet her... I'm a little sad that the "just us" season is ending!!!
Ahhhhh how can it be!!!! :)
I'm caught in this middle ground of NOT wanting this season to end and OVERWHELMINGLY READY for the next one to begin!!! Being human is so silly. :)
But I can trust Him. He knows what's best. He saw this love story unfold, from the second I walked up to the big blonde guy eating a sloppy joe at the O'Bryant's house on May 10, 2008 and said "Hi... are you Bill?"
And then a few days later, He was watching with a smile on His face as I walked into that Chick-fil-a on May 14th and Bill bought my dinner and 3 hours later, we realized that we had fallen in love and had no idea what was in store for us... BUT GOD already had our marriage all outlined and highlighted and edited and perfected.
SIX YEARS. :)
He is all-knowing, all-sustaining.
He's held us this far and He won't abandon us now.
When I promised my forever to Bill on May 21, 2010 - I DIDN'T KNOW what the story would look like. I DIDN'T KNOW the pain to come. I DIDN'T KNOW the celebrations and love to come.
I was just a girl in love who made a promise and jumped into an adventure and it was the hardest and absolute best thing of my life.
And today... in these last pages of chapter one... as we stand on the brink of EVERYTHING unknown... I want to rest in the fact that, once again, HE KNOWS.
He has PROVEN Himself to be the UTTERLY good, faithful and trustworthy Author of our story.
HE KNOWS the victories and challenges we have ahead of us once this page turns and we adjust our love story to add a little... :)
HE KNOWS the plot-twists ahead as we fall in love - AGAIN - but this time with a sweet girl that is half-me-half-him and all HIS.
HE KNOWS the plot-twists ahead as we fall in love - AGAIN - but this time with a sweet girl that is half-me-half-him and all HIS.
HE KNOWS the mountain-tops and valleys of this next season.
HE KNOWS the hardships and victories.
HE KNOWS the terrible failures and the sweet grace we'll need to get back up again.
HE KNOWS the seasons of joy and grief and doubt and fear and peace.
HE KNOWS.
And... after 2,243 days... married to the best man I know... more in love today that we've ever been before... led by the God-man we call our King... on the brink of something NEW...
I would love to just DECLARE from my heart, that
Jesus, I trust You.
You've held the pen. You've authored the story. You've loved and lavished. You've rescued and redeemed.
This past 6-year-GLORIOUS chapter was Yours - from first letter, to final word.
This next (25-30 year?) UNKNOWN chapter is Yours, fully and completely.
I trust You and Your timing.
I trust You to finalize every detail in Your perfect grace.
I trust You to prepare us better than we can prepare ourselves.
I trust You to be in the season ahead... before and behind, hemming us in.
I trust You Lord.
And as You turn the page... and our next (better?) adventure is about to begin...
and we tie a (possibly pink) :) bow on these last 6 truly beautiful years of the "just us season"...
The overwhelming cry of my heart is...
Thank You, my King.
