It's amazing to me that it's been almost a year since I've blogged.
Whattttt in the world.
This has undoubtedly been the fastest year of my entire life.
This has undoubtedly been the craziest year of my entire life.
This has undoubtedly been the best year of my entire life.
My life looks radically different than it did just a year ago.
A year ago, I was still a bit in the "what the heck just happened" shock of it all.
I had a one month old.
Breastfeeding still hurt like hell.
If I remember correctly, my husband was away on his first long trip post-baby and my hormones were letting me know how I really felt about that little separation.
I was dealing with my sporadic bouts of "baby blues" and crying happened pretty regularly and it still hurt to pee.
And perhaps one of the worst parts... I still felt like I lived in this general overall fear of not knowing what to do.
Dr. Google was my best friend and worst enemy and I lived in this constant tension of trying to be the best mom for my new baby and give her the best of the best... but not knowing what that looked like and wondering when this overall feeling of "Hm... I just don't, know, ANYTHING" would go away.
So fast-forward a year later.
I'm happy to report that although that feeling of utter cluelessness hasn't completely gone away... it's transformed from "utter cluelessness" to "occasional wonderings of the overall wellbeing of the child." I have a feeling I'll be camping out there for at least another decade or so, and I can say that I'm pretty overall ok with that. Keeps me on my knees, keeps my humble and keeps me needing Jesus. It's good to be needy.
So we're here and it happened and the year has passed. So much of it feels like a blur although so much of it consisted of days that required every. single. part of me.
How can days that required all of me seem like a distant memory?
Right now I'm finding myself in the tension of anticipating the future, and wishing I could give my right arm to freeze time.
Time is precious and it's a tease. The love I feel for this little baby is overwhelming and although I get so excited with each new phase, each new "trick" she learns or each new developmental growth... I can't help but look back on videos of my new little baby and cry and wish I could freeze the RIGHT NOW.
I think I'm sounding probably like every mom in history right about now, huh? :)
But I digress....
When I think about all that's happened this year, and all that I've accomplished as a mom (*hint, not too much and whatever it is is only by grace...), and all the ways I've grown, and all the ways I've failed... all the easy days and all the hard days... all the beauty and all the ugly... I'm overwhelmed with a few emotions.
The first is absolutely GRATITUDE.
I've never in my life felt such an overall sense of... "THANK YOU GOD!!!!" and wanting to shout that on the daily, more than I have this past year. Ugh. I could cry (and let's face it... I'm writing this and I actually am) when I think about HOW MUCH OF A GIFT THIS WHOLE MOM-THING IS.
IT'S A FREAKING GIFT, you guys.
It's the most beautiful thing. SHE is the most beautiful thing!!!
And yes marriage is better and you gotta keep your husband first and blah blah blah I agree 1,203% with all of that, but motherhood is another - a DIFFERENT - level from marriage. It's not necessarily stronger, but it's different in the fact that this love you feel is overwhelmingly... always.
The love I feel for Bill of course is always... but it's different because sometimes, in order to continue in that "always" I'm required to choose it. If you know any part of our story, you know the rocky days and the fighting for what we had and the promise we made before the Father and our family was sometimes the only bit of what carried us through. So yes, the love we have is real and solid and it's been tested and tried and it's not going anywhere... but the love of a mother is different.
This kid has ruined my life. In the best way possible.
I pushed her out and she's pushed me every day since... in every. single. way.
To grow. To trust. To change. To learn. To love. To get up. To not give up. To love more. To listen. To hope. To dream. To pray. To better.
And the crazy part is, she doesn't even know she does it! She just exists. And her existing, if it wasn't for us being around 24/7, often looks like a kamikaze mission about every five minutes. It's insane. It's like a constant game of "how many ways can mom and dad save my life today?" that she plays, and yet in the craziness and stress of it all, she gives us her scrunchy nose smile and giggles and it's like we completely forget that her life is about being the center of our universe and consequently has turned our previous universe on it's head entirely.
And the most overwhelming of all emotions, is gratitude.
Thank You, Lord, for this gift. And God, if You ever read my blog... which I'm sure You do because I'm Your kid and I'm Your favorite and You love me even more than I love my baby girl... than I want You to know this, Father. I don't take this gift lightly and I will never for one second live outside of that gratitude. She is a gift. And You'll find me on my knees, at your feet saying over and over and over... Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For her. For this season. For the hard and the easy and the perfect and the ugly. For the privilege of entrusting me to raise YOUR daughter. It's overwhelming to me. That I get to be the one she connects with most. That I get to be the one that spends every day with her. I love You so much more because I see so much more, a tiny glimpse of your design and your radical, relentless and unconditional love for us. I'll spend the rest of my life giving thanks, and it still won't be enough!
