I blinked and life is just passing by and I can't say I'm stoked about that. All of it, just a vapor. There are (hard) days that I can't wait to end, but most of the time the overwhelming feeling I have is wishing I could STOP AND SAVOR the time.
I wish I could bottle up this season, where my beautiful girl is in full-on blossom mode... bursting with new words, in love with people and in LOVE with her baby brother. Pushing boundaries, testing patience and in full-on toddler mode!
I wish I could bottle up this season, of teeny newborn snuggles, because in 7 weeks he has already gained almost 5lbs... and he was almost 10lbs to begin with! Our boy is so big and snuggly and precious and truly, there is something special about boys because I've felt absolutely SMITTEN with him since his rapid arrival at the end of July... SEVEN WEEKS AGO!
What in the world.
These weeks have been an absolute blur if I'm honest. For the most part, we've had our house full of beloved friends and family since MAY, and it's been such a huge blessing because the people we saw got to host were some of our favorite people on the planet!!! Waddling around the island at 9 months pregnant with some of our best friends was a memory I will treasure forever.
Then, for these first 6 weeks of baby boy's life, we've had our parents come and help carry the load which has also been a tremendous blessing. We are spoiled rotten and loved so well and even when the imperfect days can be difficult, I know better than to not thank Jesus for the blessing of incredible people we call framily because I know not everyone has parents who love them enough to drop everything and come out to change diapers, fold laundry, cook meals and spoil your toddler for 6-8 weeks! A tangible love. A precious love. The unconditional love of FAMILY. Not perfect, not stress-free, not always easy, but so full of love. And I'm so thankful for it.
But here I am... on technically day 3 of running this show (circus?) on my own... all our family help is gone and here I am... with two babies napping (hurray for miracles!)... listening to Desperation Band's "SOAK" on repeat... and I guess why I'm writing is because I'd like to (and NEED TO!) process and share a few of the things I'm currently craving in this season.
In the season of a newborn and a toddler, there isn't much time for... anything? Much less time to sit and just... think. Whatever down time I have, the last thing I want to do is sit in stillness and meditate and do nothing. The rarity of down time is usually full because there is a house to clean and laundry to fold and if nothing else, NAPS to be taken because Lord knows this lack of sleep thing ain't my cup o' tea. And to be fair, the phone and all the social things on it serve as a welcome distraction from my wifely duties on a regular basis.
But if I quiet my heart long enough to listen to it, I know I'm craving something. A lot of things. But the thing I think I'm craving most... above extra time and extra arms and extra sleep and an extra cook... is intentional stillness. I'm craving the sweet silence and the waiting. Because, I know that He's in the waiting. He's longing to be found by me and I'm craving that time with Him. And if I'm REALLY honest, like... brutal mom honest... sometimes, I crave the desire to crave that time with Him.
Does that make sense? Sometimes, I WANT to WANT to be with Him.
In fact, I think I've been in that place a whole lot this year. I find myself in survival mode and then set myself on autopilot and for me, autopilot = NUMB.
Numb to Him, numb to the condition of my heart, numb to everything besides keeping my child(s) alive, trying to make my husband happy and trying to cook a dinner or do something like that during the week. :)
Numb to Him, numb to the condition of my heart, numb to everything besides keeping my child(s) alive, trying to make my husband happy and trying to cook a dinner or do something like that during the week. :)
Numb, yet charging forward every day.
Numb, yet full throttle in every other area of my life... wearing all the hats, correcting all the bad toddler behaviors and nursing the baby all the hours of the day (it feels like).
Numb... yet life hasn't paused. So I'm living the continual life, in NUMB.
Numb does not equal STILL. Numb does not equal REST. Numb does not equal SATISFACTION. And numb NEVER ends up being a good thing for me. But here we are, in the cycle of full throttle numb survival autopilot mode aka the season of the newborn and 2 year old. And I think if you fly on autopilot long enough, eventually you'll crash and burn, SOMEWHERE.
And right now as I'm juggling the babies and new roles and schedules and chores and priorities, I've found that I'm NUMB and when I'm NUMB I do NOT fight for my heart. I do NOT live with intentionality (that should be a word.) every day of pursuing stillness, loving myself, tending to the garden of my heart and being in the waiting and seeking Him THERE. And I'm craving that, all of that, so dearly. And I'm convinced that something needs to change before it crashes and burns.
And I KNOW this... ugh, I know all of this, and maybe you know this? Maybe you've been there, or are there? How do we do it as moms? How do we tend to the well of our hearts so intentionally and dearly, while the demands of everything we do require us to withdraw from the well continually? Pour pour pour, with no fill? How can we keep giving something we don't have? How can we prioritize being kind to ourselves and loving ourselves when we are constantly face to face with feelings of failure or unworthiness... failure as a mom, house-cleaner, wife, or friend? How do we keep the important things the important things? How do we fight for intentionality (I'm making it a word.) in the way we live, love, manage our time and household? How do we transfer from survival/autopilot mode to Jesus mode?
I'm no expert, and honestly I'm still wondering how. I've rarely seen this "dance of balance" done well, however I think when I pay attention to what I'm deeply craving, there is truth in it. I'm craving the awakening in the waiting. Seeking the holy in the mundane moments of motherhood.
The worthy fight is the fight for my heart. The fight against survival mode, the fight against numbness and apathy. The fight against letting life speed on by without grabbing hold of Him in the every day. And I think part of the fight is found in the discipline of surrendering to the stillness.
Fighting for my heart happens, for me, in:
Fighting for my heart happens, for me, in:
- Discipline.
- Surrender.
- Making space.
A few months ago, the Lord spoke to me through a beautiful song called "New Wine" written and sung by my favorite favorite favorite, Brooke Fraser. The first time I heard the bridge, I basically broke down because I knew He was speaking to me.
"Where there is new wine
there is new power!
There is new freedom, and the Kingdom is here.
I lay down my old flames to carry Your new fire today."
For the majority of my walk with Christ, I've been able to "feel", "access", "tap into", HIM through a lot of the same ol' ways. Regardless what life looked like... a solid worship set in my car brought me to tears and straight to His feet again. Reading a verse or two once or twice a week awakened my heart to Him again. Listening to a sermon a couple times a week made me feel connected. The weekly blessed gathering called CHURCH always reignited my heart towards Him again.
But... as we've moved into this new season, new state, new phase of life called parenting... when I've had the sacred moments of paying attention... I've found, if I'm honest with myself, those ways don't work anymore. I could listen to a million good worship songs, a hundred sermons, continue to go to church weekly but yet STILL feel NUMB to HIM.
When I heard this song, I felt like the Lord was so plainly and lovingly telling me, "Yes. The old way doesn't work anymore. It's time for New Wine."
Since then, He's confirmed this truth to me in a few different ways.
He's said, "The season of you coasting by on the familiar, the accidental or unintentional, is over. I want to take you to a deeper level with Me, even now in the busy and beautiful season I've given you called motherhood. Even when time seems scarce and sacred, I want to be found by You. I want to meet you in the quiet. Not in a passing worship song for five minutes in the car... but in the intentional, sought after and set apart time you make for Me. Even when you are busy, exhausted, at your limit or in a dry place. Your physical obedience will bring forth a spiritual breakthrough, You will seek Me and find me when you seek Me with your whole heart. Where there is new wine, there is new power and freedom. Lay down your old flame and take up My new fire again."
I'm craving this. I'm craving this.
As a new mom with no time and seemingly no SPACE to seek this... and sometimes no DESIRE to seek this... I want this. I want Him. I'm want Him NEW.
NOT in the old ways I found Him.
NOT in the same places I found Him.
NOT in the familiar "methods" I found Him.
I'm craving the NEW. New power, new freedom. A new flame. A new heart.
And it's something I'm willing to fight for.
And to be honest, I think this is such a beautiful fight that will mean so much to Him.
Knowing Him... knowing how He loves me and wants to be with me more than I want to be with Him... I tear up just thinking about how much He will meet me in this time if I go forth in obedience to what He has told me.
He knows I'm not giving Him something that costs me nothing.
He knows that my fighting for stillness, quiet, getting full and being intentional - in this season of mommy-ing - is a sacrifice.
A WORTHY sacrifice, but a sacrifice nonetheless. And a sacrifice that will be so minuscule in comparison to what I will gain... HIM.
He knows. And knowing Him I believe He will honor that with His presence, His power, His New Wine. A new season of renewed closeness... with no distance in between us.
longing for that... even though my days feel like my own body isn't my own as it gets tugged on and smothered by a nursing newborn and snuggly toddler who's love language is clearly physical touch... :) Even though sometimes I just want to feel like, NOT TOUCHED... having a closeness with Him with no distance in between is something so beautiful to me. So rejuvenating and freeing and so THE WAY WE WERE CREATED. It's beautiful to think about.
It's worth the fight. To be fully alive.
Discipline. Surrender. Making space. Rejecting the numb, the autopilot, the ordinary. Fighting for my heart. All while keeping the little people alive. :)
Not in my (non-existent...) strength, but Christ in me. Holy Spirit power in me. In YOU. Because it's not about being the best mom I can be, I really think it's about being the most like Him that I can be. Which, of course, ends up being my best self... but shooting for the one, gets you nothing... and shooting for the latter, gets you both. Hallelujah.
