::Paradox::

Recently, my emotions have been nothing less than a whirlwind of craziness. God is doing some pretty weird stuff in my life that leaves me wondering outloud. In the past few days I've experienced extreme fatigue, happiness, sadness, "twitter-pated-ness," guilt, pity, romance, and pure joy. I'm so confused... more than I've been in a long time. :(
I wish life didn't have to throw so many curve-balls. I wish it just always made sense, always stayed steady. I wish I could close my eyes and know in my heart which step to take next. I wish I wasn't always such a sucker for a guy that pursued me relentlessly... and I wish I could be strong enough to let my head and my heart be in agreement before I make my next decision...

Don't get me wrong, I have a weird peace that everything will turn out right. It's not the same huge restlessness in my soul that I had about a month ago when I was breaking up with a guy that I really liked. That time was a really sad time in my life and I was frustrated and confused and kept playing the "what if" and "if only..." game. (P.S. That game is nothing short of suicidal.)
The feeling I have right now in my heart is such a paradox. I'm happy... but sad. I'm excited... but feeling slightly guilty. Why? I don't know.

I've realized SO much recently how much of a blessing it is to have good, solid, honest, amazing people in your life to speak truth over you when you're not in a healthy enough of a position (emotionally) to think for yourself.
My parents have been a real strength to me in the past few days. They're both so open and honest with what they think I should do in relationships and life in general. I love them and cherish them so much!
My best friends (well... the only ones that currently live in the same state as me) have also spoken truth over my life. Tara and Lauren have helped me see things clearly and in a different perspective than the one I'm currently viewing life in... which honestly is a really really good thing. I tend to analyze the crap outta stuff and think in an extremely impulsive manner... so it's good when my best friends can bring me back to reality and point out different events, character traits, actions, and faults in my life that I need to change or fix.
There have also been a few new Godly guys in my life that I know I can run to for advice. My friends Mark and Tony could definitely fit into that category. It's always important for any girl to have a good, Godly guy who is pursuing the Lord to speak truth into your life as well and give you really good advice from a guy's perspective. (Extreeemely important.) :)
These people have really blessed my life, and it's easy for me to open up to them because I know that they will love me regardless of my struggles or decisions. They love me unconditionally... and they show that in the way they respond or give me advice and help me throughout my situations. It's amazing and I couldn't do life without them!

So yes. If you're one of those people who likes to clam up and pretend that everythings' ok and hold all your emotions inside... you honestly should stop as soon as possible. It's not healthy. You can't think straight when you're feeling 10828 different things in 3.8 minutes. Really, I've tried and it's not possible. Find somebody that you love, or at least somebody that loves you, and tell them whats going on. Drop the pride and open up. Mostlikely, that other person doesn't have 10828 things going on in their brains like you do... so they can offer a little more clarity in your situation. :)

God put people in your life for a reason... don't try to do life without them.


ALSO::
Pray for Steven Curtis Chapman... (the singer that I quoted a whole song from a few blogs back.) A recent tragedy occured in his family, where his son accidentally ran over his youngest daughter in their driveway and killed the beautiful 5 year old Maria. :( I cried when I found out.... breaks my heart. So remember to cover their family in prayer... may the King of comfort be nearer to them now than ever before.... :(

"Trust in the Lord with all Your heart... don't rely only on what you think you know. Acknowledge Him in everything you do and He will direct your path..."
- Prov. 3:5-6

::Randomosity::

It is so beautiful today. The promise of rain hangs over the mountains and yet the sun still manages to peek through the clouds and light up the wonderful Suburbia... Colorado Springs. :)

"Good morning Sunshine... the earth says
hello!"

I am sitting at my computer at work and felt like blogging, so I'm just going to warn you this will probably be a little random. Right now a fellow teller, who's name will not be disclosed for security reasons... (*coughCorissa*cough*) just came and squirted water on me. Very professional and very business-like no? NO!!



Buaha... anyways. :) Back to the subject... which honestly is nothing. Just random. Randomosity. I like that word. Dang it, now Corissa is trying to notarize me. Ugh. She drives me crazy sometimes. And the funny thing is she is reading this over my shoulder RIGHT NOW as I type... what a geek head. Ha! :)



Oh shoot now she's crying....

my bad.



Hm what else should I write about. Well Tony, a fellow blogger and dear friend of mine, wrote this awesome story in his blog. Go read it, serioulsy. It's good stuff.


Um. Um um um.... I wish I could write a story right now. But I can't because I'm so scatter-brained at this point in time that it's not even funny! I never would consider myself ADD, but last night I went to Chick-fil-a with a new friend who is EXTREMELY ADD... (diagnosed even)... and apparently he rubbed off on me. :) Ha! Funny story about my new friend... turns out him and I are basically the same person... (minus the music deal - which to be honest is a BIG deal... *sigh* too bad eh? I guess we're done.) ... but anyways yeah we are the same person. Different genders of course, but the same person nonetheless.



I LOVE meeting new people. I LOVE meeting them and sitting at chick-fil-a for 3 hours talking to somebody who is funny and cool. I LOVE the feeling of knowing that you and the other person could have probably stayed talking for another hour if it wasn't for the fact that they needed to catch a flight in Denver... Oh such as life. :)



And today, I'm just a work. Sitting here. Giving people money, (only those who ask politely of course....) eagerly watching the clock as time ticks closer and closer to.... 5 pm. (!!!!!) The golden hour. The hour where I can peace out and NOT lose my job in the process. (That's the catch.)



Life is pretty great right now.

School is out for the summer, and now I'm working a lot more.

My family is doing great and staying busy as always. Just had lunch with my mom and dad today and enjoyed that for sure:)

My best friend is home from college for GOOD from New York City... and the fact that she lives right next door to me makes her living in the same state twice as nice. :) She's been my best friend since 6th grade... and altho she was gone this past year going to school in the Empire State Building... the kind of friendship we have is the kind where we can just pick up RIGHT from where we left off. :) The best kind of friend to have!

My other best friend is now out of her foot cast and ready to go hiking with me. (!!) Being the only one in the same town as me for the past 5 months... she is getting so close to my heart (even closer than before) and showing me so much about God's love. I'm literally falling in love with this girl! (lol not really but you know) She's amazing and such a great great friend!

My other best friend is still living it up in Minnesota, falling more and more in love with Jesus everyday and encouraging my heart more than she'll ever know. This girl is LITERALLY captivated by the living God... she lives, breathes, dances to, and falls in love more and more with Him. SO encouraging and such a blessing. :)

My OTHER best friend is traveling the world... probably somewhere in Beijing or North Korea right now... telling people about my main man Jesus. She's doing this thing called YWAM (Youth With a Mission... which is what I'm planning on doing in September!!!) and she will be returning to me in 2 months and 5 days... (AND COUNTING!!!!!) :)



A lot of stuff going on in the "relationship department" has recently been resolved and now we're just working towards a strong, solid friendship. Which is really nice. :) Not many people I know can break up with somebody and still be friends, get along, and have a lot of fun hanging out together. What a blessing! God is so cool...


Ok. Seriously I'm done. I don't know why I even started to be honest... lol. Oh well. Hope you enjoyed my scatter-brained-ness....

::Rain::

RAIN.

:)

I love it. (loveloveloveit)

Today's weather could easily be classified as "the first rain of the year."
FINALLY!
It was beautiful. God started making it last night... and was kinda even showing off a bit! (what a big show-off huh?) :)
As I stepped out of my car getting home late last night... I quickly became addicted to the fabulous smell of rain that hung in the air. I sat on my front porch for a little bit, gazing at the storm in the night sky, and finally began to realize how magnificent lightning actually is.

Picture this: 10 pm: A pitch black sky that was COVERED by thick, dark, rainclouds... rainclouds that could only be seen when illuminated by the flashes of lightning streaking across the sky. Random bursts of pure light in a thick, dark, blackness. Soooo humbling...

I love rain.
The smell, the feeling. The fresh and cleansing vibe it gives. The romance of it all. (After all... there's nothing like kissing in the rain...) =)

Have you actually ever really danced in the rain? So many people say "Oh my gosh I LOVE LOVE LOVE dancing in the rain..." yet I bet you if we took a poll about 30% of those people honestly HAVE actually danced in the rain. (lame...)

My best friend Lauren lives next door to me, and last summer during a lovely light rain storm, I called her up and we met outside on the sidewalk SMACK DAB in the middle of our houses... and danced.
No music.
No anything really.
Just me, my bestie, and pouring rain.

...

needless to say it was magnificent. It was my first time and I guarantee you NOT my last. It was totally "free-ing." (Is that a word???) Dancing in the rain is everything it's worked up to be. Try it sometime. Honestly, go outside, let your hair down, feel the cold, wet pavement beneath your bare feet, and really try it.

Hmm... totally random today. Just some thoughts. A little "Ode to Rain" if you will.... :)

::Reflection::

Dear World.
This is so weird.
So... just to jump right into the oddity that has recently occured... I've heard the same story twice in a span of one week, and I'm beginning to think I need to bend my life around it. I first heard it Monday night at a meeting called FCA, a girl was giving her testimony and included this story to help describe what God had been teaching her. It was pretty benthic.
THEN.
This morning, as I'm sitting at work, the CEO of my company, who is also like a second father to me, called me up and asked to see how I was doing as he had just heard the news of some recent events that have taken place in my life that might give me reason to be sad... and as I'm sitting here, on the computer, at the beginning of my work day... he shares the EXACT SAME STORY with me!! :)

God is so funny.

So. I felt like blogging it out and sharing my heart. Basically the story goes something like this:

There is a Christian writer who calls up
this Blacksmith and wants to see how he purifies silver and
gold. At first the blacksmith declined, but then finally agreed to let
this writer in on the procedure. The writer goes in to observe the process and is amazed at what he discovers:
First, the blacksmith took the silver and
put it in the hottest part of the fire. The writer observed as the
blacksmith kept it in the hottest part of the fire for quite a little while. He then asked the blacksmith when he knew the silver was completely purified and could then take it out of the fire... and the blacksmith replied, "I know the silver or gold is completely pure when I can
see the reflection of my face in it."

...

Ok so my story-telling skills are not far off from completely lame... and I wish you could hear this story being told in person... but regardless, it really touched me. I hope you can maybe see the parallel in the way God sometimes relates to us. Sometimes we may feel like God might be putting us through "the hottest part of the fire..." and it sucks. It hurts. It's painful. Maybe physically; maybe emotionally.
It can leave us questioning God.
It can even leave some in a state of being really angry at God.
Why would He do this to me? How could He let this happen? What did I do to make God angry at me?
...

All the while He's just up there, locking His gaze on us moving, pushing, polishing and refining; dying to see His reflection in our lives. He wants us to be like Him. He wants us to conform ourselves into His image. I love that. :)
So the whole time we're down here, wallowing in our self-pity, feeling lonely, depressed, upset, and completely helpless. God's up there, His hand fully on us, guiding us, holding us, changing and conforming us into the people He wants us to be.

And I can promise you... the outcome is better than our current state. (Pinky promise.) :)

So ya. Life's confusing right now. I'm horrible at remembering that I don't know what the future holds... will never know what the future holds.... and knowing in my heart that it's probably better that way.
But it's ok. I wouldn't say that what I'm going through in my life right now can be compared to something like the "hottest part of the fire..." but it definitely is a struggle for me. It's something that could definitely be considered a burden and is something I hate having to deal with.
But it strengthens me. It grows me. It leaves me more dependant on God than if everything in my life was perfect. It keeps me *needy*.... which I'm discovering is a place I always want to be in my life.

I was sitting at work today and started writing this on a piece of paper. Its pretty much just a bunch of Bible Verses - promises if you will - that are all bundled into one little heart-cry. :) Here's what I wrote. And I decided I'm going to continue doing this... because when you put the verses together it becomes more than just words you can recall from memory, but it becomes actual TRUTH and flows and can really become what your heart really feels! Amaaaazing:)

Dear Lord,
I'm going to trust in You with all of my heart.
I'm not going to lean on the things that I understand.
I acknowledge you in everything I do, and trust in You alone to direct my path because You know the plans You have for me.
You plan to prosper me, give me hope, a future, and keep me away from harm.
You've given me all I need for life and Godliness, and You will fulfill Your purpose for me.
You give me the desires of my heart as I delight in You.
You will never leave me or forsake me.
You lift me high on wings like eagles as I wait on You.
You are my strength and my shield.
You hide me in the cleft of Your rock and I can rest under Your wing.
You knit me together in my mother's womb and know the number of hairs on my head.
You think about me more than the number of stars in the sky, and have formed me in Your image.
Your banner over me is Love.
I receive everything I need when I first seek Your Kingdom.
You can move mountains, walk on water, and overcome sin and are mighty to save.
My soul finds rest and peace in You alone, Lord, and I rejoice in the fact that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor demons, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other thing can EVER separate me from Your love. :)

*I'llbeback*
_________________________________________________________
Listening: "Hide and Seek" - Imogen Heep//// "Holy" - Jason Morant (a new favorite...)
Reading: "One thing you can't do in heaven" - Mark Cahill. (A book about evangelism... pretty good stuff.) "Pursuit of God." - Tozer. (I can read this book over and over and over again...) Romans, 1 John.

::A Little Longer::

...

MAY 1ST?!?!?!
ALREADY?!?!?!

Dang. Time flies when you're alive. It's amazing.

So. It's May first... and it was basically a blizzard outside today.

Unbelievable.

I love the place I live... but can really do without the loooooooooong winters. The random blizzards during the months April - July. They kill me.

But this past Tues, I was able to get together with a long-lost friend of mine over lunch who had just gotten back from doing a 6 month YWAM mission in New Zealand and Nepal.

It was really nice to get together, we went up to one of my favorite places on the side of the mountain... a place where I can overlook the city and "dangle my feet..." =) .... and talked about God and life and how we can make those two things merge as much as possible and as evidently as possible in our lives.


As I begin to talk to Mark, I was amazed in seeing how much God has grown in him. We've been friends since freshman year of high school, not necesarily best of friends or even friends that saw each other a lot... but we kept in touch and have known each other for a while.

He's you're typical reserved, introverted guy sporting the "hot surfer" style. Long, shaggy bleached blonde hair, really athletic and good at soccer, extremely smart and top five of his graduating class of 500+, very cynical, extremely sarcastic, and absoutely OBSESSED with photography, hiking, and God's creation.

He's the type of guy that doesn't stay in one place for very long. I'll randomly call him up one day and I'm like "Mark, where are you?" and he's like "Hey Jo. I'm in Africa." or one time, this was probably one of my favorites, I called him up and this is how the conversation played out:

-------------------------

"Hey Mark! How's it going? Wanna hang out soon?"
"Hey Jo! Well, I would... but I'm in Durango."
"Oh cool. What are you doing there?"
"I'm living here. In a tent by a river."
".... are you serious?"
"Ya."
"Whoa. Why?"
"Why not?"
"Ok sure I guess. So you live in a tent?"
"Yep."
"What do you do all day?"
"I got a job as a server at a restaurant."
"Wow. Where do you shower?"
"In the river."
"... wow."
"Ya. It's cold. But great. I've been out here for a month."
"A month?"
"Ya."
"How much longer are you staying there?"
"Until whenever my dad is thinking of coming down to get me. I only have my bike out here."
"Woooow."

-----------------

That was probably one of my favorite conversations. I told everybody I knew that I had a friend who was living in a tent on the side of the road in Durango, working as a server, and showering in the river. Ha!

It doesn't end there tho. Mark's biked across the state of Colorado, hiked almost all the 14ers in Colorado, gone to Africa to do the "World Race," gone to New Zealand and did a back-packing missions training where he then went to Nepal and back-packed in the mountains for 2 months. He hikes up 14ers in his ski boots, just to ski down in like 30 seconds. He's constantly somewhere totally random... like last week he caught a ride up to Vancouver Canada and spent a few days there. (Why? I'll never know.) Anyways. This is my friend. And I've always admired how obsessed he is with Nature and how I can call him any time and he'll mostlikely be on top of a huge mountain being with Jesus. :)


I love having friends like that. I love having friends that are obsessed with something amazing, and bend their lives around it. So anyways I hadn't seen him for a good 10 months as he had been gone in New Zealand and to the ends of the earth... so catching up was good for us. Really good. He talked about God and how He'd become SO real to Him. How he'd realized God is more than just something to be intellectually grasped. He told me he realized that the one thing more important than "Doing" God's work is actually "Being" with God Himself!! (I called it the Mary/Martha concept.) :)

That's huge! And so true! So many times we get caught up with doing things for God and going and going and going, and we miss out! God's just up there going, "Jo! Stop for like, 5 minutes, be quiet, and just be with me. I think it's great that you're doing this and this for me, but you have to remember what I want most is to just be with You!"

There's a song that this girl, Jenni Johnson, wrote. It's called "A Little Longer" and here are the Lyrics:

A Little Longer - Jenni Johnson

"What can I do for You? What can I bring to You? What kind of song would You like me to sing? I'll dance a dance for You, Pour out my love to You, What can I do for you Beautiful King ?

Cuz I, can't thank You enough. No I can't thank You enough."

Then I hear You sing to me...

You said "You, you don't have to do a thing. Won't You please stay here with me, in love with me a little longer." He said "Wait, this moment is too sweet. Just please stay here with me and love on me a little longer... I just want to be with you a little longer.... because I'm in love with You."

:)

That's so nice. I love the God I serve.

So Anyways. It was a really nice talk. Sometimes we just sad there, dangling our feet in silence for a moment or two, just enjoying the sunshine and staring at God's amazing creation. Other times, we had pretty in-depth conversations with each other and then with God as we prayed together for each other. Good, quality time with a dear brother of mine that has an overwhelming desire to keep God on the throne of his heart.

Well as we were talking, we both realized that we're in the waiting room of our lives: with nothing to do but sit, listen, and see what God's plans are for us. Mark is torn between going up to Boulder and getting a degree in engineering, or going and helping at this YWAM base in California for the rest of the summer... and I'm torn between doing YWAM in the September in Honolulu, or just staying here and finishing up school for another year. I'm definitely leaning toward the former... praying a lot about it and waiting to see where God leads me.

I hate waiting rooms. I even in fact at times will arrive to the Doctor's office a few minutes LATER than my actual scheduled appointment, JUST to get in there right on time. I hate having to "fakely" occupy myself for a good 5-10 minutes, reading a dumb health magazine that everybody else in the room knows I'm not at all interested in. I'd rather just check in and go in. That's the way I like it. :)

But, to my amazement, God is continually showing me that I don't always get things done the way I like them. Basically... it's not about me, people. *GASP!* Oh... I know. I had the same reaction.

But it IS about God. It IS about loving Him with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. It is about putting Him on the throne of Your heart and keeping Him there. It is about submiting your plans, time, money, and LIFE to Him day in and day out. It is about loving other people enough to want to see them in Heaven. It is about overcoming sin and Satan's hold on your life... living victoriously in Jesus. It is about being in constant communion with the Holy Spirit, allowing Him to speak to you and guide you in EVERY SINGLE LITTLE decision you make. It's about standing on your tippy-toes... desperate to hear His voice. It is about loving people. Doing life with people. Picking up your cross and carrying it everywhere you go. It's about being Jesus to people. That's it. :) Live it!