The Reset:::

I’ve been in bed by 9 the past few nights. I wish I could say it’s out of discipline but it was 100% because I’m out of gas. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. Done. 

This last 36 days of travel chewed me up and spit me out. It was a BLESSING to be able to visit the 6 states we love & see friends from all over the country & spend some much needed time reconnecting. I’m a 4 so relationships & deep waters & connection MATTER to me, & although I’m not intimidated by long-distance, the face-to-face time with people I love is a treasure. So I loved the reconnection part but... was it worth it? If I’m honest, I’m not so sure. 

This trip felt like a relentless attack. 9 days of puking, 3 ER visits, 2-nights in a hospital, 1 homesick, emotional tornado of a toddler who just didn’t want another “poke” from the Dr. 💔 It truly felt like one thing after another. I wear stress on my sleeve (aka it destroys my body) and I feel a bit like I aged a decade in a month. And when you are attacked during transition... in a new place, new routine, new time zone... you feel an extra bit vulnerable. 

Now we’re home and we are readjusting... taming new schedules to a 6hr time change (hello wide-awake at 2am) and then, a follow-up trip to the Dr. hits us with potentially bad news. Again. 

So I’m here, waiting for news about bloodwork and I feel so weary. I like to think I’m a strong person (what a nice thought), but the enemy knows a place to poke where nothing but cold, black, ugly fear comes out - and it has to do with the health & safety of my kids. When he messes with them, I hate to say that I’m less mama-bear and more scaredy-cat. I melt into a puddle and his terrible “what-ifs” flood my thoughts and I have to (sometimes tangibly) pick myself up off the floor and remind myself who my Father is. 

If I was blessed enough to sit across from you & share what season God has me in right now, you know the deeper parts of what I mean when I say I’m in a season of “inner work.” I’ve learned this year that even though it sounds noble to ignore my emotional, physical, and spiritual health under the badge of “super-mom” - I need to be diligent about what’s going on inside. I don’t have margin in my life to ignore where I’m at... how I feel... what I believe about myself/my kids... what thoughts I allow in... how I’m taking care of my body... because if “super-mom” goes, everyone goes. 

Right now, I feel a bit like I’m being attacked and not ready. And I FREAKING hate that. 

But today. 

It’s so weird but I can’t tell you how insanely undeservedly beautifully G O O D. Today was for me. A total reset, a pleasant refresh. It started like most threenager days have recently been starting in my world... with a tantrum & whining & the general emotional grouch of an almost 3 year old girl with big feelings. 

We had plans to go to the beach with friends but her whining quickly changed those plans, because it’s easier for me to deal with tantrums at home than at the beach. (Because, for those without kids who don’t fully know... going to the beach with two babies is nothing short of hard labor.) 

So she tantrums it out: “I don’t WANNA go to the beach!!” (over & over) & I shrug & cancel things & just accept that it’s going to be another tough day at home with the grump that is my child. 

An hour passes & I hear... “mommy, why we not going to da beach?” 🤬 

Cue the quick pack up & mini van load up & offfff we go, to a much closer beach that’s easier to manage meltdown and assure we are home by (much needed) nap time. A good choice? Nobody knew... but it was happening... and boy oh boy... it was a G O O D C H O I C E. 

Y’all.

Today was, so, good. 

My sis snuggled with a sleepy baby boy and I got some MUCH NEEDED quality time with my (finally)bnormal behaving girl.

We played and strategized our shell-collecting plan and floated together and sang songs. 

We had deep talks about her best friends and played in the sand and I’m pretty sure God knew I how desperately I needed this because I fell in love with this kid again after a very stressful and exhausting and difficult few weeks. 

I didn’t once think about bloodwork or “what-ifs” or worry about the awaiting results. 

She didn’t once whine or have a tantrum or act grumpy. 

We were both there, in the moment, enjoying the ocean and enjoying each other’s company. 

It was basically bliss. I felt my depleted cup get FULL TO OVERFLOW and I can’t express my gratitude to the King enough. 

Things were gray and life was hard and emotions were tense and fear was lingering. I was running on empty and desperately need a refill, recharge, re-ANYTHING. 

But the thing about being a mom is you often don’t get to. You can run run run non-stop and unless you intentionally take time to unplug & re-plug to the Source, change the scenery, you burn out. 

This time in the sun, was my re-plug. 

This time of joy and fun, was our reconnect. 

This break from the every day normal tantrum-filled days at home, was our reset.

I’m not saying this girl will wake up a perfect angel from her nap today... (I’m betting on the opposite to be honest...) but I AM saying that, I feel a bit like a new mama with a full cup & a joy filled heart.

The new surroundings this morning have offered a new perspective. 

And getting a chance to fall in love again with this little girl who I feel has been grinding me into the ground at times, was E X A C T L Y what this mama and her precious girl needed. 

So, my takeaways for me (and maybe for you?)

• Going to bed early has been a REALLY, really good thing for me. Like, SO GOOD YOU GUYS. I might not ever stop.
• Seasons are seasons and if it’s hard, just hold His grip tighter and hang on til it passes. Mine still hasn’t necessarily passed, but the tighter I grip the steadier I feel.
• Stop with the pity-parties of wanting to be pursued, and get out there and find your people. (I had a breakfast date with my sweet friend yesterday & have a dinner date with another tomorrow, kid-free! #goodforthemamasoul 🙌🏽)
• If you are being a beezy to your husband (🙋🏽‍♀️) because the toddler has zapped your patience and you take it out on him, own it and apologize. He will appreciate it and it will foster lots of love in the midst of a stressful time. 
• TEND TO YOUR HEART. TEND TO YOUR SOUL. TEND TEND TEND. Don’t ignore. Don’t stuff. Don’t settle. He hasn’t called you to live on empty, mama. ❤️

A Changed Heart:::

WELP. This isn't the easiest blogpost I've ever written. Nevertheless, it's happening.
If you don't want to find out too much stuff about me (ugly or otherwise), then stop here.
Otherwise... leggo.

Today was SO awesome. TheSend Conference in Orlando, FL happened, where 60,000 people hungry for the Lord came together for 12 hours of worship and prayer. I wanted SO badly to be there but, life. However, they provided a livestream of the FULL event and I have to say that of the 12 hours, I was able to sit and watch probably 8-9 hours of it (Thanks to the worlds best husband who knew I wanted to be there SO badly and took care of most things so I could watch it!) And... wow.

Just wow. It was fire. It was so inspiring and it was a HUGE blessing to be able to engage in prophetic words and join in prayer with some of today's incredible heroes of the faith, like Bill Johnson, Todd White, Daniel Kolenda, Andy Byrd, Loren Cunningham... PHEW. It was rich and Holy Spirit was PRESENT, even in the living room where my sister and I watched! Brought me back to my YWAM days and it was amazing. I felt so challenged and so REFRESHED.
However, throughout the day, the Lord spoke and confirmed some things to me that I wanted to process a bit... so here we are. :)

Before I dive into what He told me, I'm going to rewind a bit to the place I've been the last few months.

I've never been much of a "self-help" person. Yes, personality tests and the overall psychology of the human species really interests me... however, the concepts like, "think happy thoughts" or "wake up and tell yourself one positive affirmation", etc... never really stuck with me. In fact, I found them somewhat annoying, haha!

For whatever reason, the "change your thoughts change your world" mantra in the specific area of self-help never went down deep or impacted me in any way. Although certainly Biblical, I mostly saw this concept immersed in the secular world of bettering yourself, and I think that's mainly why I never cared to take the dive.

However... Holy Spirit recently started to open my eyes to the importance of it all... and it totally caught me off guard! He showed me how... the reality is, I actually AM talking to myself in this way... whether it's positive or negative.
And the more I started to pay attention to what I was saying, the more I realized that my default was NEGATIVE. And it wasn't ok.

That epiphany (slowly) launched me into the "self-help" journey a little bit... although, it was less for "self-help" and more for self-awareness.
I wanted to pay attention to what I was saying to myself.
I wanted to be aware of the way I was being hyper-critical, mean, judgmental, proud, or insecure about myself, and TO myself.
I wanted to leave behind the autopilot thoughts that ruled the day and start thinking with intentionality, positivity, and most of all, TRUTH.
I needed to start thinking with the Truth about who I was, WHO'S I was, and what HE said I was.

So the more I started paying attention the more I started seeing.
There was so much about myself that I didn't like!
There were so many things I wanted to change.
I hated the majority of my reactions to things, that made me mad, scared, jealous or sad.
There was little fruit of the person I truly wanted to be, and TONS of fruit of behavior that I didn't want rooted in my life.
So, I started identifying these things... and so began my self-awareness.
Even though it isn't fun to do this AT ALLLLL... I'm going to list a few things I wanted to change, because hey... I love you, you love me, HE loves us all, and what are we if not real with each other? So here it goes.

- I'm a fearful person. I tend to prepare for the worst as self-protection, and I can certainly dwell on scary scenarios. I'm fearful of something happening to my family. I'm fearful of things I can't control. I'm scared to death of something happening to my kids. My thoughts wander to these scenarios more often than I like, and I hate that I let fear rule so much of my decisions and rob so much of my peace.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, make me a person who completely trusts You."

- I'm a prideful person. Growing up, I identified more with the Pharisees or the older brother of the Prodigal son than the stereotypical "sinners" that a lot of people feel like they are, and the more I became aware of myself, the more I saw it. My default is to be prideful. My "confidence" is a thin veil over my pride. Pride is the ugliest and scariest root. And if we're going to get something out, we first need to be able to be honest and identify what it is. And I want it OUT.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, show me how to be a humble person."

- I'm lazy with relationships. I want to always be intentional, and overall I love showing my love through giving gifts (hello love language!), but it often requires time or money or effort that sometimes... if I'm painfully honest... I don't feel like sacrificing. In tough seasons especially, I find myself making every excuse in the book to not connect (which can be VERY easy to do with two kids!), and don't always enjoy putting forth effort to know someone or be known. I settle for the trendy idea that "making friends as an adult is hard," and am almost always tempted to stop there.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, make me a better friend who pursues at any cost."

- I'm insecure about the way I look. I will poke and prod and highlight my flaws without even thinking twice about what I'm saying to myself. Not in an overly obvious way, but once I started paying attention to my thoughts, I realized that the standard I hold myself to is perfection and I'm incredibly hyper-critical with myself. I will compare myself to others around me and always fall short. There are so many things about my face and body that I hate, and although I can mask this insecurity well, it's definitely taken up a spot in my heart and affects the way I feel about myself. And if I'm supposed to be loving my neighbor like I love myself then... they're in trouble.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, help me to love myself and see myself the way You do."

- I'm easily overwhelmed as a parent. Not always... but sometimes, especially when scary things or hospital visits arrive, I tend to fall apart. And sometimes, when the whining is endless or the baby is going through a clingy/crying/cranky phase, I can lose my patience and snap at my kids. *Gasp*. It's true. And it sucks. I HATE that about myself and as a mother, it's probably what ushers in the most mom-guilt that I'm realizing is all too common but should be fought against with everything in us.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, give me the grace to parent with endless patience."

- I'm apathetic in my relationship with God. Regardless of the time, history, or connection we have (or don't have...), lately especially, I've felt so apathetic in my connection with Him. I don't pay the price to know Him the way I want to. I would never admit this outloud, but if I stepped back and seriously took a look at my life, I would say that I've counted the cost and found it not worth it. Which sounds terrible to say, but we're being real here right? If we're being real, then that's the way I live my life now. I put other things first, above Him, almost every time. And I hate it.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, make me hunger for more of You, no matter the cost."


These are just a few of the ugly things that, in my journey of self-awareness, have really come into the spotlight of my attention and things I have been really STRIVING TO FIX, MYSELF.

I've been TRYING to be more fearless. I've been TRYING to be more humble. I've been TRYING to be a better friend, to love myself or speak positive truth about myself. I've been TRYING to practice patience with Jolie and Trey (you'd think I'd be amazing at it by now with all the practice I get!) :). TRYING to be more intentional about seeking His face. TRYING to trust Him more, with more.

So much striving. So much about myself that I want to change! I want to be a different person. Not just a BETTER person, but a DIFFERENT person. Fully transformed.
Not behavior modification, but total heart transformation.
I want to be a woman who has these changes spring up from the overflow of my heart, not from some stiff-armed forceful grip of striving to make them happen.

This is where I've been for a few months... in a place of really wanting God to TRANSFORM my heart... to come in, set up shop, and help me tear down these negative things about myself and change me into these things... humble, loving, patient, hungry for You, fully trusting. Filled with His peace. Overflowing with His love. With a default that seeks Him continually and loves others fully.

And then today, He spoke to me about these things that I've wanted to change about myself.
And it wrecked me.
He said,

"Jo, everything you want to be, 

is on the other side of intimacy with Me."

....

Mind and heart simultaneously explode.
How loving is He to show me this today?
How loving is He to remind me of this, in the midst of my striving?

That instead of working hard to make sure my responses and reactions are humble... or that I put the effort to send the text or make the phone call to work on being a better friend... or I stand in front of the mirror and say 3 things I like about my body... or I work hard to have better reactions or responses to Jolie and Trey... or I try hard to sit down and read my Bible without heart engagement... or I try to give myself a pep-talk when I'm faced with a scary situation...
instead of doing ALL. THAT. WORK. to change myself into the person I want to be...

He gently beckons me.
Come to Him. 
Give Him my time, my worries, my fears, my heart.
Let HIM DO THE WORK.
Stop TRYING to be more humble, or thoughtful, or confident, or patient, or intentional, or brave.
Stop TRYING TO DO WHAT ONLY HE CAN DO.
Sure... I can work really hard on my responses. I can stiff-arm myself into having the right reactions.
But what I'm looking for is something deeper, something total, something permanent, and something ONLY HE CAN DO.

And the way I get there, is in the time I spend with Him. 

Everything I want to be is on the other side of intimacy with Jesus. 

Every heart change I desire to have is on the other side of knowing Him.
Every soul transformation I want to obtain is on the other side of being with Him.
Every personality trait I want adjusted is on the other side of spending time with Him.
Every ugly fruit I want uprooted is on the other side of loving Him.
Every nasty reaction I want to overcome is on the other side of sitting with Him.

ALL THE THINGS I WANT CHANGED ABOUT MYSELF, CAN ONLY BE CHANGED TO THE DEGREE THAT I GIVE HIM MY HEART, SEEK HIS FACE AND GIVE HIM MY EVERYTHING.

Want to be more humble? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to be a better friend? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to learn how to love yourself? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to be a better mom? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to be a better wife? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to love others fully? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to have an insatiable hunger for Jesus? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to learn how to fight fear with faith? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to learn how to fully trust a good God? Get alone with Jesus.

You see, I've been trying to superficially change my heart these last few months, but it's been only that... superficial.
The world isn't looking for something skin-deep, they are looking for something that goes all the way through.
And a heart, fully transformed into the likeness of His Son, is only obtained through spending TIME with HIS SON. 

Instead of trying to change yourself - your personality, your reactions, your bad habits, the things that scare you, the way you parent, the things you run to in stress - prioritize intimacy with Jesus above all else.
We become what we worship.
We become what we worship.
We become what we worship.
So, get alone with Him.
Worship Him... no matter the cost... stop trying to change yourself... seek His face, every day, and watch and see what He will do with your messy, broken, repentant, beautiful heart.