I’ve been in bed by 9 the past few nights. I wish I could say it’s out of discipline but it was 100% because I’m out of gas. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. Done.
This last 36 days of travel chewed me up and spit me out. It was a BLESSING to be able to visit the 6 states we love & see friends from all over the country & spend some much needed time reconnecting. I’m a 4 so relationships & deep waters & connection MATTER to me, & although I’m not intimidated by long-distance, the face-to-face time with people I love is a treasure. So I loved the reconnection part but... was it worth it? If I’m honest, I’m not so sure.
This trip felt like a relentless attack. 9 days of puking, 3 ER visits, 2-nights in a hospital, 1 homesick, emotional tornado of a toddler who just didn’t want another “poke” from the Dr. 💔 It truly felt like one thing after another. I wear stress on my sleeve (aka it destroys my body) and I feel a bit like I aged a decade in a month. And when you are attacked during transition... in a new place, new routine, new time zone... you feel an extra bit vulnerable.
Now we’re home and we are readjusting... taming new schedules to a 6hr time change (hello wide-awake at 2am) and then, a follow-up trip to the Dr. hits us with potentially bad news. Again.
So I’m here, waiting for news about bloodwork and I feel so weary. I like to think I’m a strong person (what a nice thought), but the enemy knows a place to poke where nothing but cold, black, ugly fear comes out - and it has to do with the health & safety of my kids. When he messes with them, I hate to say that I’m less mama-bear and more scaredy-cat. I melt into a puddle and his terrible “what-ifs” flood my thoughts and I have to (sometimes tangibly) pick myself up off the floor and remind myself who my Father is.
If I was blessed enough to sit across from you & share what season God has me in right now, you know the deeper parts of what I mean when I say I’m in a season of “inner work.” I’ve learned this year that even though it sounds noble to ignore my emotional, physical, and spiritual health under the badge of “super-mom” - I need to be diligent about what’s going on inside. I don’t have margin in my life to ignore where I’m at... how I feel... what I believe about myself/my kids... what thoughts I allow in... how I’m taking care of my body... because if “super-mom” goes, everyone goes.
Right now, I feel a bit like I’m being attacked and not ready. And I FREAKING hate that.
But today.
It’s so weird but I can’t tell you how insanely undeservedly beautifully G O O D. Today was for me. A total reset, a pleasant refresh. It started like most threenager days have recently been starting in my world... with a tantrum & whining & the general emotional grouch of an almost 3 year old girl with big feelings.
We had plans to go to the beach with friends but her whining quickly changed those plans, because it’s easier for me to deal with tantrums at home than at the beach. (Because, for those without kids who don’t fully know... going to the beach with two babies is nothing short of hard labor.)
So she tantrums it out: “I don’t WANNA go to the beach!!” (over & over) & I shrug & cancel things & just accept that it’s going to be another tough day at home with the grump that is my child.
An hour passes & I hear... “mommy, why we not going to da beach?” 🤬
Cue the quick pack up & mini van load up & offfff we go, to a much closer beach that’s easier to manage meltdown and assure we are home by (much needed) nap time. A good choice? Nobody knew... but it was happening... and boy oh boy... it was a G O O D C H O I C E.
Y’all.
Today was, so, good.
My sis snuggled with a sleepy baby boy and I got some MUCH NEEDED quality time with my (finally)bnormal behaving girl.
We played and strategized our shell-collecting plan and floated together and sang songs.
We had deep talks about her best friends and played in the sand and I’m pretty sure God knew I how desperately I needed this because I fell in love with this kid again after a very stressful and exhausting and difficult few weeks.
I didn’t once think about bloodwork or “what-ifs” or worry about the awaiting results.
She didn’t once whine or have a tantrum or act grumpy.
We were both there, in the moment, enjoying the ocean and enjoying each other’s company.
It was basically bliss. I felt my depleted cup get FULL TO OVERFLOW and I can’t express my gratitude to the King enough.
Things were gray and life was hard and emotions were tense and fear was lingering. I was running on empty and desperately need a refill, recharge, re-ANYTHING.
But the thing about being a mom is you often don’t get to. You can run run run non-stop and unless you intentionally take time to unplug & re-plug to the Source, change the scenery, you burn out.
This time in the sun, was my re-plug.
This time of joy and fun, was our reconnect.
This break from the every day normal tantrum-filled days at home, was our reset.
I’m not saying this girl will wake up a perfect angel from her nap today... (I’m betting on the opposite to be honest...) but I AM saying that, I feel a bit like a new mama with a full cup & a joy filled heart.
The new surroundings this morning have offered a new perspective.
And getting a chance to fall in love again with this little girl who I feel has been grinding me into the ground at times, was E X A C T L Y what this mama and her precious girl needed.
So, my takeaways for me (and maybe for you?)
- Going to bed early has been a REALLY, really good thing for me. Like, SO GOOD YOU GUYS. I might not ever stop.
- Seasons are seasons and if it’s hard, just hold His grip tighter and hang on til it passes. Mine still hasn’t necessarily passed, but the tighter I grip the steadier I feel.
- Stop with the pity-parties of wanting to be pursued, and get out there and find your people. (I had a breakfast date with my sweet friend yesterday & have a dinner date with another tomorrow, kid-free! #goodforthemamasoul 🙌🏽)
- If you are being a beezy to your husband (🙋🏽♀️) because the toddler has zapped your patience and you take it out on him, own it and apologize. He will appreciate it and it will foster lots of love in the midst of a stressful time.
- TEND TO YOUR HEART. TEND TO YOUR SOUL. TEND TEND TEND. Don’t ignore. Don’t stuff. Don’t settle. He hasn’t called you to live on empty, mama. ❤️
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