Behind the Highlights.

I love these pictures & I love these humans more than life itself.

But last week was an incredibly terrible week for me. 

It started off w/Seth having a bad fall & getting a head injury that landed him in the ER. (Thankfully he’s fine. But it was totally my fault ). 
I think in the days following, the guilt & stress of that event + everything else going on in our world/personal life like, rippled over & impacted the full spectrum of my emotions. 
Sunday I was in a sad funk all day. 
Monday was fun because we were w/ friends all day. 
Tues - Fri were t e r r i b l e for me mentally. 
Terrible. 

I felt sad, enraged, angry, in despair, ashamed, sad.
Every single typically “little-kid”thing that didn’t normally bother me, sent me into a rage. RAGE. It was crazy & it broke my heart & I felt like I couldn’t control it. I felt like running away, I didn’t wanna reach out to anyone & honestly the last thing I wanted to do was turn to the Lord. The only prayers I could mutter out were “God help me please.” 

Y’all, it was a crazy week. 

It’s weird to be writing this because I don’t necessarily feel like “I’m all good now!” 

But, I’m better. 

I finally had the common sense to reach out to my sisters & ask for prayer on Friday. 

And come Saturday I didn’t feel the enraged reactions anymore. I didn’t lose my mind over a classic water-cup spill or the natural resistance to nap-time that 3 yr olds have. I felt like I could clearly & calmly respond to these little annoyances like normal, but it didn’t change the fact that the week I had was awful. 
I told Billy I felt like it was a “check engine light” for my soul. We have been in transition for over a year & our whole world is a month or two away from another BIG transition. 

I feel the stress from the past & present piling. I feel weary, sad, fearful. I feel lonely, hesitant to put down roots or invest in relationships AGAIN because... we’re probably moving really soon anyways, right? 

So it’s just, a STUCK place to be sometimes. 

He prayed for me & was awesome/patient through my crazy days, but it was still hard to feel the mom-guilt of it all. 
And, I hesitate to share this “publicly”because of the potential  over ANOTHERR “real-talk” post, and also because I don’t want anything thinking I’m psycho lol. Or a bad mom. 

But. I was about to post these pretty pictures & felt a freaking check in my spirit. 
FULL STOP. 

These sweet pictures depict ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of the reality I lived last week. 
NOTHING.
And last week was hard.
I felt hopeless and stuck and so sad. 
After googling, I realized that the rage I felt could be symptoms of depression & anxiety.
I know those are buzz-words, but I can see truth in them.
And you sweet mamas who follow me would see these perfectly presetted pictures & maybe think I have it all together. 
But after the darkness I felt last week, I’m sad that that’s the image I am naturally bent towards putting out there. Like everyone is, I suppose. But it just feels even more wrong after what I walked through, and what I would want to portray with these cutie babies and sweet smiles.

So. 
Yes, I love my kids more than my own life. 
Yes, I love Jesus and find joy in Him.
Yes, I am so grateful for the privilege of loving & leading these babies & being a mama.
And yes, I need Him absolutely more than anything.
I need Him daily, as a safe space to bring my many fears about the future.
I need Him hourly, as a comforting place to calm my anxious thoughts and “what if’s”.
I need Him second by second to remind me of who I am in Him, and that this “religion” is less about rules to follow and more about a relationship to rejuvenate my soul. A give and take with a loving Father. A fall down and grace covering way of life. A day of rage and repentance and, rage again but better, and more repentance. A character molding and heart transforming walk with the King. Less about the flawless, showy-ness of it all, and more about the secret whispers of, “Jesus. I’m hurting. And sad. And lonely. And I need You to help me.”

A life abiding - not striving, but just tucked away ever so gently in Him. 
I need Him daily, desperately.
Filters & smiles aside.
And I’m grateful for the check engine light. 
I’m grateful for the emotions that - aren’t allowed to drive - but do certainly ride along, & allow me to know when something is going on.
These check engine lights this time reminded me that I need to reach out for help sooner. 
That I need to be more diligent about carving out time to tend to my heart & less diligent about wearing myself out for the little people that actually need me healthy. 
And also that I will probably greatly benefit from some counseling, which I plan to pursue this week. 
PHEW. 
Ok. 

Novel over for now. 
I hope this helps somebody, anybody. Or I hope that it one day will, if not today. 
I don’t have it all together, and I probably never will. 

I need Him desperately. 

If you can resonate with this and wanna reach out, He’s there for you and I can be too. 

He Himself is our Peace.

 It's Holy Week. 

This is my first Holy Week where I have felt the sting of death so, so close. So personal. Too close.

It hurts and it's heavy and if I'm honest, I've struggled the last few weeks having to reconcile what I experienced, with what I KNOW. 

This Holy Week leads me once again to the Cross first, bring my own broken-heart at the feet of the broken Body. What a comforting thought.

I've cried more this last month than I have all year. The heaviness of the times, the heaviness of our season of military life, but most of all the heaviness of the virus that stole so much from so many, leaving it's mark forever on our big beautiful family in the most devastating way.

A beautiful life - a wonderful daughter, wise sister, incredible wife, treasured mother, beloved aunt, precious Guita - cut too short, too soon. It HURTS. It feels so surreal, truly so unbelievable. 

I have questions that I've been asking the last few weeks, and I know where to take them. I know Who to ask. They hurt, but I bring them nevertheless because pain can produce a burden that was never ours to carry. It was nailed to a tree, so why pick up something He paid the highest price for me to lay down? So, the questions come.

Why did this happen?
Why a precious life cut too short?
How could this happen to her?
How do I reconcile what I experienced with what I know? 

... Isn't that the filter of all of life? To process what we experience with what we KNOW?

What I experienced at the beginning of this month was fear. Shock. Family unity before a good Father, HOPE, the sting of death. Pain pain pain. Heartbreak. Fear again. Shock, again. Peace. Pain. 

And now, this Holy Week, I find myself living in the coexistence of pain and peace. 

Sometimes, it's difficult to approach the celebration of a risen King in the face of the personal sting of death. 

But, I KNOW... we can't stay there. Our story doesn't end at the Cross, at death. I refuse to reduce my theology to match my pain. There is more beyond what I've experienced this month. And this is why we need to filter our experiences with what we KNOW. 

Jesus said, in His most painful, exposed, graphic, unjust, vulnerable moments on earth, "it is finished." NOTHING more needs to be done. 

There isn't a sin on the planet that Jesus Christ's love didn't cover. 

What He said was true. 

By His stripes we are healed, by His blood we are redeemed. 

Death is defeated, forever.

So how do we reconcile praying and hoping, and not seeing it? How do we reconcile the pain of loss and the promise of peace? What do we do with these paradoxes that my family saw and experienced this month? 

"In this world, you will have trouble. 

But take heart, for I have overcome the world."

I've been tearing these words apart this week. 

He didn't say, "take heart, for I will take all your troubles away." 

He doesn't butter-up the pain we will experience. 

He Himself felt the sting of loss - He let Himself. He wept when His best friend died, He allows the pain of His people to move His heart. 

And I have no doubt that our tear-filled facetime family prayer groups, our calls to each other, our text messages full of pain and hope, our worship and prayers in a hospital waiting room...

 m o v e d t h e h e a r t o f G O D.

He was close to the Buitrago's in our brokenness, He was close in our hope, He was close when the hardest, most impossible decisions of surrendering the medical fight were made for her.

He was close in our collapsing, He was close in our weeping. He was close in the goodbyes. 

He didn't turn away. He drew close. And I love Him for that. 

And yet... we still felt the pain of loss. We still carry that with us, each in our own way. Why, Lord?

"In this world, you will have trouble..."

We felt it. We feel it. So, so many people in the world are living in the trouble right now. He said we would. He is always right. 

"But take heart..." 

A command. A command to hope.

"For I have overcome the world."

Somehow, Jesus... - though He doesn't promise to take our troubles away - has promised and has fully provided to GIVE HIMSELF. To the FULLEST measure. And guess what? 

He HIMSELF is our peace. 

He died so we don't have to. 

He bled so we don't have to. 

He was beaten so we don't have to be. 

He was abandoned so we don't have to be. 

He has overcome so that we can have HIM. 

He Himself is our peace.

 

His peace (transcending understanding), His love (overcoming evil), His joy (our strength) almost acts as an UMBRELLA over our pain, our heartbreak, our troubles. 

Our story doesn't end at the pain - He has provided Himself, the highest prize and He is the way out of the deepest heartbreak, the strongest pain.

We have troubles - yes - but in a world that He has already overcome.

We live on the other side of "IT IS FINISHED."

We, who call on the Name of the Lord as our Savior and identify ourselves with Him completely, live in His Victory. His victory overcomes every trouble we face - big or small. 

We have a place to take our pain. 

We have a place to take our hurt. 

We have a place to take our confusion.

We have a place to take our death.

It's the same place He took His... to the tomb. 

In the tomb, death dies. 

Hope lives. Victory lives. Love lives. That's the side of history we live in today.

And Jesus, in His kindness and goodness, doesn't leave us brokenhearted. He doesn't say we can't mourn. He says instead, that we are BLESSED when we mourn because then, we are comforted. So, now, still, and probably for a long while, we mourn. And in the mourning, may we find the blessing. May we find the peace.

May we find the hope. 

May we find Him. Always drawing close. Always comforting. Always available.

And you know what's the most amazing part of this loss for me? 

It's the fact that my beautiful Tia (aunt) believed EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. JESUS. SAID. 

It's so easy to honor her in her passing. She loved Him with her whole heart. She believed what He said. She followed Him closely. She lived a life surrendered to Jesus. She told her family about Him. She placed all her hope in Him. Even in her last weeks before sedation, she was worshipping Him in the hospital. His praise was EVER on Her lips.

And it makes me cry knowing that right now... she is THE MOST GLORIOUS, BEAUTIFUL, HEALED, BRILLIANT, WHOLE, RADIANT she has EVER been. 

She is face to face with the God she adored. 

She is in the presence of the King she was devoted to.

She is doing what she loves to do, singing His praises directly TO HIM!

Alongside my beloved Grandma and her mom, who she treasured so much.

Does it hurt that she's gone? More than our family can express. 

And yet, I KNOW... I know where to carry my ache... and I KNOW in my heart that, not only is she rejoicing in heaven with her God... but that she would tell us, without hesitation: 

IT IS WORTH IT!!!!!

A life devoted to Jesus is WORTH IT!

A life believing what He says is WORTH IT!  

A life obeying Him is WORTH IT!

A life spent extravagantly loving Him is WORTH IT!

A life being different from the world is WORTH IT!

A life choosing Him is WORTH IT!

A life saying NO to self and YES to God is WORTH IT!

A life spent worshipping Him is WORTH IT!

A life following Him closely is WORTH IT!

It is worth it all. 

HE is WORTH it all. 

JESUS IS ALIVE. 

JESUS IS WITH HER. 

AND WE WILL SEE HER AGAIN. 

Soon and very soon.

Hallelujah!

Love you forever Tia.

Jesus - 

We believe You. 

We trust You. 

We bring our broken hearts to You. 

We surrender our perfect plans to You. 

We need You. 

We love You. 

We hope in the face of death. 

We want to know You as our Peace in the face of death. 

We know that NOTHING the world has to offer can compare to what you offer us... peace in pain, joy in sorrow, hope in loss. 

We come to you broken, in need of the Comforter. 

We come to you because we have no where else to go. 

We praise you for a life well lived, for the good and faithful example she was to us. 

We praise You because You are ONLY good. 

We trust You with this pain. 

We trust You with this heartache. 

We trust You with this brokenness. 

Where else would we go? You alone have the words of life. 

So Jesus, we celebrate You as our Risen King this weekend. 

We celebrate You because YOU PROVIDED A WAY FOR DEATH TO NO LONGER BE THE END.

YOU PROVIDED A WAY FOR VICTORY OVER THE ENEMY. 

My Tia believed it. And she is more full of joy than she has ever been before. 

And we believe it too. 

Hallelujah, King forever. 

Jesus paid it all. 

All to Him we owe. 

We adore You Jesus. You are so good and so true.

WE LOVE YOU.