Behind the Highlights.

I love these pictures & I love these humans more than life itself.

But last week was an incredibly terrible week for me. 

It started off w/Seth having a bad fall & getting a head injury that landed him in the ER. (Thankfully he’s fine. But it was totally my fault ). 
I think in the days following, the guilt & stress of that event + everything else going on in our world/personal life like, rippled over & impacted the full spectrum of my emotions. 
Sunday I was in a sad funk all day. 
Monday was fun because we were w/ friends all day. 
Tues - Fri were t e r r i b l e for me mentally. 
Terrible. 

I felt sad, enraged, angry, in despair, ashamed, sad.
Every single typically “little-kid”thing that didn’t normally bother me, sent me into a rage. RAGE. It was crazy & it broke my heart & I felt like I couldn’t control it. I felt like running away, I didn’t wanna reach out to anyone & honestly the last thing I wanted to do was turn to the Lord. The only prayers I could mutter out were “God help me please.” 

Y’all, it was a crazy week. 

It’s weird to be writing this because I don’t necessarily feel like “I’m all good now!” 

But, I’m better. 

I finally had the common sense to reach out to my sisters & ask for prayer on Friday. 

And come Saturday I didn’t feel the enraged reactions anymore. I didn’t lose my mind over a classic water-cup spill or the natural resistance to nap-time that 3 yr olds have. I felt like I could clearly & calmly respond to these little annoyances like normal, but it didn’t change the fact that the week I had was awful. 
I told Billy I felt like it was a “check engine light” for my soul. We have been in transition for over a year & our whole world is a month or two away from another BIG transition. 

I feel the stress from the past & present piling. I feel weary, sad, fearful. I feel lonely, hesitant to put down roots or invest in relationships AGAIN because... we’re probably moving really soon anyways, right? 

So it’s just, a STUCK place to be sometimes. 

He prayed for me & was awesome/patient through my crazy days, but it was still hard to feel the mom-guilt of it all. 
And, I hesitate to share this “publicly”because of the potential  over ANOTHERR “real-talk” post, and also because I don’t want anything thinking I’m psycho lol. Or a bad mom. 

But. I was about to post these pretty pictures & felt a freaking check in my spirit. 
FULL STOP. 

These sweet pictures depict ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of the reality I lived last week. 
NOTHING.
And last week was hard.
I felt hopeless and stuck and so sad. 
After googling, I realized that the rage I felt could be symptoms of depression & anxiety.
I know those are buzz-words, but I can see truth in them.
And you sweet mamas who follow me would see these perfectly presetted pictures & maybe think I have it all together. 
But after the darkness I felt last week, I’m sad that that’s the image I am naturally bent towards putting out there. Like everyone is, I suppose. But it just feels even more wrong after what I walked through, and what I would want to portray with these cutie babies and sweet smiles.

So. 
Yes, I love my kids more than my own life. 
Yes, I love Jesus and find joy in Him.
Yes, I am so grateful for the privilege of loving & leading these babies & being a mama.
And yes, I need Him absolutely more than anything.
I need Him daily, as a safe space to bring my many fears about the future.
I need Him hourly, as a comforting place to calm my anxious thoughts and “what if’s”.
I need Him second by second to remind me of who I am in Him, and that this “religion” is less about rules to follow and more about a relationship to rejuvenate my soul. A give and take with a loving Father. A fall down and grace covering way of life. A day of rage and repentance and, rage again but better, and more repentance. A character molding and heart transforming walk with the King. Less about the flawless, showy-ness of it all, and more about the secret whispers of, “Jesus. I’m hurting. And sad. And lonely. And I need You to help me.”

A life abiding - not striving, but just tucked away ever so gently in Him. 
I need Him daily, desperately.
Filters & smiles aside.
And I’m grateful for the check engine light. 
I’m grateful for the emotions that - aren’t allowed to drive - but do certainly ride along, & allow me to know when something is going on.
These check engine lights this time reminded me that I need to reach out for help sooner. 
That I need to be more diligent about carving out time to tend to my heart & less diligent about wearing myself out for the little people that actually need me healthy. 
And also that I will probably greatly benefit from some counseling, which I plan to pursue this week. 
PHEW. 
Ok. 

Novel over for now. 
I hope this helps somebody, anybody. Or I hope that it one day will, if not today. 
I don’t have it all together, and I probably never will. 

I need Him desperately. 

If you can resonate with this and wanna reach out, He’s there for you and I can be too.