::Another Come-Back::

Unfortunately, recent seasons of life have allowed myself to let satan win. 

Of course, we have victory in Jesus & he never wins... so the only way that I consider him to "win" in my life are in regards to my thought-life & the lies that I choose to allow myself to listen to (and believe) & run around & make tracks in my mind. 

I let him make tracks that he shouldn't be making in my mind. 

I think when you go through a season like that, and STAY in a season like that, you experience pretty severe defeat, laziness, self-absorption, fear and false humility. 

Tonight I randomly stumbled across a sermon of one of my favorite speakers & it absolutely floored me. 

Husb is away on a trip - a night as a single gal lures with temptations of TV shows and movies and after having a gluttonous fill of those, I mosey'ed my way onto youtube & God's grace met me right there. 

Because He's so awesome like that.

I'm finding myself, despite feeling the heavy weight of this "dry" season (that that term), sensing an occasional strong relief mostly when Jesus becomes, once again, the center. 

To live in a state where you make Jesus the center one day and then continue for the rest of the days to live without the intentional knowledge & re-affirmation of who He is and what He's done, you start to slip. Slipping leads to falling and falling leads to laziness and laziness leads to not wanting to get back up and not wanting to get back up leads to shame and shame leads lies and lies lead to guilt and guilt separates everything. 

I've felt convicted lately, to live more. 

To live from a place that's deeper, richer, solely grounded on and found in Christ alone.

Where discipline becomes less about discipline and more about a heart-sick devotion. 

I love the sound of that and I love that that can really be mine, because He's really who He says He is.

I want that. 

I hate where I'm at now, I'm getting ready to dig up these tracks and shuffle around the paths in my head, hoping for them to fall right where they need to -- at the foot of the Cross. 

Sometimes I have those weird moments in life, in looking over and deeply into what I believe, that whole "what the whaaaaaat?" feeling of what I believe. 

The foot of the Cross? God became man? Man saved us from hell? Hell exists? There's life after death? Jesus resurrected from the dead? satan kills, steals and destroys? You mean fairytales, psychic stuff??? 

It's crazy. Absolutely crazy. 

But when I go through seasons that I've been in - seasons where Jesus is far from my center and lies trump truths & fear becomes a friend - I hit these glimpses of life - surrounded by Him - that leave me ENRICHED and make me come ALIVE in the midst of death and hardened hearts. 

These "fairytales" that some make fun of, literally become my source of LIFE. And are anything but made-up. 

When I allow the love that Jesus has for me to really go DEEP and RESONATE within my heart, it changes stuff. 

It fills empty places. 

It restores broken feelings. 

It heals destructive memories. 

It covers shame. 

It quiets lies. 

It shakes off my DEAD and brings me to LIFE again. 

Choosing to live a life apart from Jesus is terrifying to me. 

Of course, I sometimes unconsciously may do it. 

When actions are called out & words are spoken that you can't take back & instead of a heart of repentance, there's a heart of entitlement. 

The Holy Spirit nudges and of course I'm convicted by I cling to my "dignity."

I stay stay stay in the same place. 

Low low low. 

Slipping, falling, shame. Lies. 

The sermon I heard tonight has, once again, rocked me. 

The speaker, who I love with basically my whole heart, painted a picture of Jesus that leaves us broken, hurting, prideful, vain people undeniably, once again, in awe & pursued. 

That's who He is, that's what He does, this Jesus. 

Peter says in 1 Peter 1:18-19 that we, HIS people, were not redeemed by perishable things like silver or gold, but rather, we were redeemed BY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. 

Again, silly? Awkward? Morbid? 

REVOLUTIONARY to me. 

Nothing but the blood. 

Completely and wholly redeemed. 

Where seasons of life where I feel like I live in a continual place of defeat DO NOT define who I am. 

Where self-help books all seem to fall short in the midst of realizing, again, who Christ is and who you are to Him. 

When the worship song, Man of Sorrows, paints the picture of His love for you and makes you want to curl up in a ball and weep. 

I'm so mumbling right now, on a huge rant, but I'm just so so grateful. 

This continues to be my story. 

I journaled (word?) the other day, and basically started the entry being brutally honest and telling God that I think my relationship with Him is pretty much a roller-coaster and at that point, I'd rather get off the ride than keep going through the loops. 

Up & down. 

Close & far. 

Trust & fear. 

Truth & lies. 

Confidence & shame. 

Season after season. 

I so am dying to be the person who has it all together - the perfect words to say, the innate discipline that literally FULLY DEPENDS on His every word and His thick presence in order to LIVE. 

I am so dying to be the person who doesn't struggle with silly, baby-Christian crap like fear, pride, insecurity, shame, pride. 

I am so dying to LEAVE the things that I lay at the Cross just, there. 

This continues to be my story. 

And as I make a come-back now, in this season, on this night, choosing - (a g a i n) - to surrender what little imagination of control I have to Him and only Him - (a g a i n) - He's there. 

He's ALWAYS there. 

Every faithful. 

Never changing. 

Slow to anger; quick to love. 

QUICK. TO. LOVE 

And it's in these "coming-backs" that I am reminded, once again and in complete conviction, that Jesus and His word is the very opposite of fairytales. 

It has little to do with being pretty and perfect and in la-la land and head over heels in love with a perfect, mess-up-free happy ending into the sunset. 

No. 

Jesus is real. 

A Man who died. Who came BACK TO LIFE after DYING. 

Who DID IT, because He loves loves loves us. 

More than Mr. Darcy loves Elizabeth. 

More than anybody has ever loved anybody. 

Tonight I'm coming back and choosing to believe that. 

Over every other lie. 

Making Him the center, rather than fooling myself into thinking that anything else even COULD be the center. 

Jesus at the center. 

satan, don't mess with me. 

Jesus at the center. 

A rock I can stand on. 

We're making a come-back, folks. 

And that's so, SO ok with Him. And with me. 

::The Courtroom::

'"Jesus spoke of the Holy Spirit primarily as the "Spirit of Truth" who will "remind you of everything I have said to you" (John 14:17, 26). 

The Holy Spirit "will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you" (John 16:14). What does this mean? 

'"Make Known" translates a Greek work meaning a momentous announcement that rivets attention. The Holy Spirit's task, then, is to unfold the meaning of Jesus's person and work to believers in such a way that the glory of it - its infinite importance and beauty - is brought home to the mind and heart. 

This is why earlier in the letter to the Ephesians, Paul can pray that the "eyes of your heart be enlightened (1:18), that they might have power. . . to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. . . " (3:17-18). 

The Holy Spirit's ministry is to take truths about Jesus and make them clear to our minds and real to our hearts - so real that they console and empower and change us at our very center." 

- Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage.

Today I had the unique experience of reading this section of this incredible book... while sitting in a courtroom waiting for the judge to appear. 

This is a first for me, this whole courtroom experience.

There were about 25-30 other people sitting in the very very small courtroom. Many shady looking. Some completely ticked off to be there. Some acting a little weird. Some looking totally guilty. 

Either way, I was among these people & felt very nervous/curious to see what it would be like...

My rock-star husband, being the kind soul that he is (and also feeling kinda guilty that the reason I got a ticket in the first place is kinda sorta big time his fault) decided to show up around 10:30 and wait with me. 

We both assumed going into this that this was traffic court.

I guess I didn't know what to expect either way, so I just figured everyone else there was there because they also got a ticket by a lame-o SF dude. 

As soon as the Judge entered, though, we quickly realized that this was a taaaad bit different. 

Bill & I were sitting in the front row, only about 3 feet away from the Prosecutor, Defense & Defendant, and maybe 15 feet away from the Judge who was directly facing us.

Front row seats to this stuff, in a tiny courtroom, can get intense.

The Prosecutor's began calling the cases, and the Judge apparently recognized the first defendant who came up. 

The Prosecutor introduced the case to the Judge and then the Defense was given their chance to further explain excuses in detail to calm the Judge. 

However.... the Judge was not having it with this dude.

A repeat offender, this guy was in there AGAIN, because he had apparently failed a drug test, AGAIN, and the Judge was fed up. And literally uttered these words out of his mouth: 

"You are a FAILURE of a human being." 

"I don't have time to waste on people like you. With people like you, I throw my hands up and say 'I give up.' You've had so many opportunities and failed them all." 

"You claim you've found 'religion' now, but at this point I think that's all that is going to help you."

"The question isn't IF I will send you to jail, the question is WHEN I will send you to jail, because you are definitely going." 

Getting a front row seat to this, and the many other's after him who were apparently in DISTRICT COURT with me, literally overwhelmed me with emotion. 

I'm sitting there, crying, because I'm seeing something so crazy.... and for maybe the first time in a while, the words that I read in Tim Keller's book just 30 minutes before the trial started, is happening to me. 

"A MOMENTOUS EVENT THAT RIVETS MY ATTENTION:"

I see the Judge. 

- Harsh, but overall pretty good. 

- Tired, perhaps, of the endless excuses of lame lives he has to hear. 

- Just. Showing mercy when he can but clearly explaining consequences of people's actions. 

I see the Prosecutor. 

- The guy who introduces the problem in the first place. 

- The first one to speak, the one to highlight the many faults of the Defendant. 

- The one who makes a suggestion to the Judge of what the earned/deserving consequences should be. 

I see the Defendant. 

- Each with a different story, each having to make a plea on their behalf. 

- Completely submissive, only able to speak when asked a question. 

- The one's that were previously vocally TICKED to be there, were now "straight laced," being submissive & very respectful of the old Judge who silently demanded it. 

- In each case, the Defendant was guilty.

- In all 20 cases that I saw, (Yes, I was there for 2 hours before they called my case up), EACH DEFENDANT looked, so, so lame. (myself included.) 

At least personally, I was embarrassed to be there. 

AND I was embarrassed to have to discuss my case, openly, before a room full of people. 

My case wasn't even "the worst ever", I mean it ultimately ended up getting dismissed.
But what happened to me this morning, and the emotions I felt, & the reality that I saw, were so real and so clear. It literally overwhelmed me.

While sitting in that front row with my husband, I heard the stories of drug addicts, alcoholics, and many repeat offenders who were there due to having been issued warrants for their arrests.

Some men got re-issued back into rehab. 

One woman got her license revoked for 60 days. 

One woman had just failed a drug test.

One man ALMOST got his case dismissed, except the chip on his shoulder caused him to open his mouth & inform the judge that he had charged the cop for harassment. The Judge didn't take that too well.

Many people there were put on probation until their next court day in July. 

One dad was there in lieu of his daughter & her friend... who were taking finals to graduate HS next week.

Many people were there for a/many DUI/DWI charges.

One man was given a fine of over $1500, three months in jail, and 2 years probation. His wife was wiping tears off her face as she watched him from the front row. 

Every person there, even if they entered the court room with a good excuse or an air of entitlement, sluggishly made their way to stand in front of the Judge with their tail between their legs in embarrassment. 

Myself included, regardless of the outcome.

Many people issued apologies, making promises to never do that again. 

Some people stayed silent, and it was their right. 

What happened in that courtroom today, something I literally got a front-row seat and witnessed, made me have to hold back what would've been sobs if I had been in my bedroom by myself.

I'm sure many people may have made this connection in some way before, but personally, the Holy Spirit MADE KNOWN to me, in a way I've honestly never seen before, who JESUS is. 

And I see the Defense.

This, today, with the good guys and the bad guys & the guilty & the charges & the mistakes & the messiness & the broken lives & the addiction... all having to pay-up for what happened.... THIS is perhaps a TINY mirror of what life may be like on Judgement day. 

I see the Judge. 

- "God is a righteous Judge..." - Psalms 7:11

- "Compassionate & gracious... slow to anger & abounding in Love." - Psalms 103:8

I see the Prosecutor. 

- Satan is called "the accuser of our brothers... who accuses night & day... - Rev. 12:10

- Wanders like "roaring lion... looking for someone to devour" - 1 Peter 5:8

- A liar & the father of lies... - John 8:44

I see the Defendant. 

- "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." - Romans 3:23

- "For the wages of sin is death..." - Romans 6:23

- We are "dead in our trespasses and sins." - Ephesians 2:1

The Defense that I saw, that is, a lawyer who was very respectfully making a case on the behalf of the guilty man/woman who was standing beside them, made me cry. 

One day, perhaps very soon in fact, I'm going to be in a place like this, AGAIN. 

Satan, THE ACCUSER, is going to be sitting there, making his case against me... maybe like this:

"Jocelyn told a lie on this day, this day, this day..."

"She gossiped about this person, this person, this person..." 

"Her pride - oh, Judge, her pride! Judge, Jocelyn's pride kept her from loving this person.... this person... her pride slapped you in the face on this day, and this day..." 

"She did this, and this..."

"She made a promise to do this and failed, AGAIN..." 

"She was disrespectful to her husband here, and on this day, and here..." 

"You gave her a second and third chance, and she apologized but obviously had no heart change & was a repeat offender of that sin..." 

"If you look closely, she professed to carry Your Name but didn't love people..." 

Satan's list, is going to be there. And it's going to be long. 

I'm sitting there, hearing "THE LIST" of charges against these poor, beautiful, broken people. 

Some are addicts, some first-time offenders. All sad to be there. All perhaps wishing they could do something different & choose a different path.
All having to stand before a Judge and answer to their actions. 

And all there with a lawyer representing them, fighting for them, DEFENDING THEM against the accuser. 

I don't think I've ever loved Jesus more than I do today. 

Satan, the one who loves to STEAL, KILL AND DESTROY lives, who brings temptations into people's lives and lies about their worth and gets them entangled in messes like addiction, pride, gossip and failure.... hIM, hE has the audacity to be the prosecutor on that day. he will accuse us day & night for all our sins, many of which hE had a huge part to play in. 

So he's there. Building a case. A freakin' good case. 

Bringing up points & accusations that we have no choice but to plead "guilty" for. 

And he'll close his argument for our lives by saying,
"Judge, here are the charges brought against Jocelyn. 

And, as you well know, the cost of these terrible, unfathomable, betraying sins, is ETERNAL DEATH." 

And God, a good Judge, a righteous Judge, knows that. 

He is perfect, He is love, and He "is light, and in Him is no darkness at all" (1 John 1:5a). 

And there we stand, completely and disgustingly guilty, with our heads hanging down and our tails between our legs. 

Ashamed. Embarrassed. Broken. Humiliated. Pathetic. Angry. Guilty. Ugly.

Waiting to hear what the verdict of our eternity will be. 

KNOWING the verdict we deserve, based on the sins that Satan just proclaimed to the masses.

The Judge is about to speak, giving a just sentence, and suddenly.... Jesus chimes in. 

"Your honor, I actually already paid this sentence. 

The one of eternal death and separation from You. 

I did it on the Cross; My blood covers their sin. 

I took their punishment so that they can now stand before You, blameless and without sin. 

Everything Satan just accused them of, is already forgiven, because of my death. 

They called on me, I saved them, so You can dismiss this case." 

JESUS IS OUR ONLY DEFENSE. 

Mercy -that is, JESUS - DOES triumph over judgment. 

I don't think I've ever truly realized the weight of this future-day more than I do right now. 

Maybe it was because I got a front-row view of the heavy burden that can fall on people who make poor decisions & have their lives in the hands of a judge. (Like all of us.)

Maybe it's because I was expecting a little, unimportant traffic court instead of district court. 

Maybe it's because I've never had to witness in person, a person plea for an easier consequence than the one they deserve. 

Maybe it's because I heard the Judge call a young man, a "FAILURE of a human." 

Maybe it's because I never fully calculated the WEIGHT of a TRIAL day... I was in there for a traffic ticket, I didn't even need a lawyer & thankfully, my case was dismissed in the first few minutes of me standing up there. Easy. 

But for others... their loads were heavier. Their prices were steeper. Their spouses were crying & their lives were literally about to be changed. 

And I'm NO DIFFERENT than them. 

And neither are you. 

And maybe we won't realize this truth until we are standing before a perfect, good, JUST Judge, having all our dirty laundry & serious sin-issues aired out by the one person in the world who has tried EVERY SINGLE DAY to destroy our lives. 

Suddenly, on that day, I don't think it will matter much if I've told a "white lie" or killed somebody. 

"The wages of sin is death." 

Murder or pride... the consequences, on that day, are the same. 

Death.

But thankfully, I don't have to be standing up there alone. 

I don't have to be pleading not-guilty.

I get to be up there with the Prince of Peace. 

The Judge's SON. 

Who already knows my list of sins. 

Many of which are PERSONAL sins, AGAINST HIM & HIS SPIRIT. 

And because I believe He is my Lord & Savior.... no amount of sin can separate me from eternity with Him. 

And He speaks. 

And Satan's arguments & accusations against me are silenced forever. 

And Jesus wins. 

And truly, all authority, EVERY victory, is His. 

"The Holy Spirit's task, then, is to unfold the meaning of Jesus's person and work to believers in such a way that the glory of it - its infinite importance and beauty - is brought home to the mind and heart. 

This is why earlier in the letter to the Ephesians, Paul can pray that the "eyes of your heart be enlightened (1:18), that they might have power. . . to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. . . " (3:17-18). 

The Holy Spirit's ministry is to take truths about Jesus and make them clear to our minds and real to our hearts - so real that they console and empower and change us at our very center." 

^^^

He did that for me today. 

The Holy Spirit took the truth of who JESUS IS, and made it clear to my mind & real to my heart. 

I'm not even kidding. 

I left that courtroom & got into my car & cried. Bill can attest to that.

I could not believe the perfect, CLEAR picture that had just been revealed to me sitting in that courtroom. 

I wish I could write in such a way that would accurately depict the PROFOUND ENLIGHTENING REVELATION I had today in a way that could turn your world upside down like it has mine. 

I know this concept of Judgement day & Jesus defending us against Satan the accuser isn't "news" to any born&raised Christians like me. 

But Y'all.... the LOVE. OF. CHRIST. IS. SO. VERY. WIDE. AND. LONG. AND. DEEP. 

He is not just our Savior. 

He is our DEFENSE. 

When Jesus says in Matthew 28:20... "be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age..." 

He maybe meant on THAT DAY! 

THAT JUDGEMENT DAY - THE END OF THE AGE!

And arguably the worst day of our life. 

On THAT DAY...

We can be SURE OF THIS: 

He is ALWAYS WITH US! 

To the end of the age! 

When the accuser makes his case against us! 

When the reality of our SIN becomes something we can finally truly see! 

When we realize how incredibly filthy, desperate, undeserving we really are! 

TO THE END OF THE AGE! 

Jesus is with us. 

Our Savior. 

Our Peace. 

Our Light. 

Our Truth. 

Our Way. 

Our Deliverer.

Our Life. 

Our Rock.

Our Guide. 

Our Protector. 

Our Healer. 

Our ONLY Hope.

Our Redeemer. 

Our DEFENSE! 

To the end of the age. 

Be sure of this. 

He is with us. 

I'm processing this out-loud with Bill, and in true Holy Spirit fashion, a song comes on the radio that now has a deeper meaning for me. It kind of "sealed the deal" for me & the revelations I had today in many ways. 

So incredibly grateful that this song is TRUE; every word. 

Grace, what have You done?

Murdered for me on that cross.

Accused, in absence of wrong.

My sin washed away in Your blood!

Too much to make sense of it all...

I know that Your love breaks my fall

The scandal of grace, You died in my place

so my soul will live!

Oh, to be like You!

Give all I have just to know You!

Jesus, there's no one besides You!

Forever the hope in my heart

Death, where is your sting?

Your power is as dead as my sin!

The cross has taught me to live,

and mercy, my heart now to sing...

The day and its trouble shall come.

I know that Your strength is enough.

The scandal of grace, You died in my place...

So my soul will live!

And it's ALL because of YOU, JESUS!

It's ALL because of You, 

that my soul will live!  

It's truth.
It's life & death.
And as a side note.... if you don't know Jesus, you really should.
Because when THAT DAY comes, you are NOT going to want to be standing alone with NO DEFENSE in the face of the accuser.
I know that sounds so "close-minded & intolerant & bigot-ish & foolish".... but I'm serious.
And beyond that, beyond Jesus just being "a Defense..."
He is LIFE.
And LIFE IN HIM is BETTER than any LIFE you could be living now.
I know this to be completely true.
I'm not lying.
And I hope you believe me.
Because the Scandal of Grace, this AMAZING GRACE - happened FOR YOU!
And, at the end of the age, the ONLY PERSON you're going to want standing beside you, is Jesus.
Sweet Jesus. :)

:::The 3 Year Marriage:::

t h r e e y e a r s. 

This picture makes me smile more today than it ever has before. 

There we were: 

2 (somewhat still very childlike) brand new 21 & 22 year olds.

 making an incredibly permanent COVENANT 

in the presence of an almighty, all-powerful, God. 

Who, in fact, takes this covenant VERY seriously.

That's heavy. 

And that's powerful. 

Hello marriage. 

Two young lovers who didn't really truly comprehend that:

the Creator God they were singing to on their wedding day would truly be the SOLE sustainer, provider, counselor for their entire marriage.

This almighty God who planned this love story would be forever the One to protect it. 

I'm grateful that even in THIS moment.... caught up in love, caught up in joy, caught up in the excitement of finally out living what took months of planning.... THIS moment.... I'm grateful that we really didn't TRULY understand what we were getting ourselves into, and yet...

the God who ordains our every step, who knew I would be Mrs. Billy Stainback as He was weaving me together in my mother's womb.... THAT God.... was still so PRESENT on this day, and still blessed this covenant and knew EXACTLY what He was doing, even though we really didn't know exactly what WE were doing! :)

I love that! 

He sees, He knows, He REDEEMS before we even BEGIN this journey of a broken, beautiful marriage!

AND He has, since, given us grace upon grace upon grace! 

Grace to love, grace to forgive, grace to ASK for forgiveness, grace to believe the best. 

And grace for the real life stuff.

Grace to do the dishes when you don't want to. 

Grace to run a last minute errand when your spouse asks you to. 

Grace to change flat tires & renew car registrations that should've been done a long time ago...

Grace to PURSUE A HEART that tries to push you away. 

Grace to fold laundry that never freaking ends. 

Grace to agree on a movie to watch.

Grace to have patience even though it's the FIFTH time that they've....

Grace to come home to a dirty house & a wife who's done nothing all day & is now, taking a nap. (guilty.)

Grace to choose to LOVE rather than choosing to BE RIGHT. 

Grace to re-learn how to properly spend money.

Grace to accept that he's leaving on another trip, again. 

Grace to be a respectful wife & ask for forgiveness when you fail at that. 

Grace to learn, and be willing, to CHANGE.

Grace to literally try to put your spouse's needs above your own needs/desires/emotions. (< we've totally mastered that one, no doubt). ;) 

Grace to transition from an "I" to a "WE!"

Grace to love each other more today than we did 3 years ago when we began. 

I look at this picture above & I'm in awe of the fact that, the innocence of the trials of marriage that were unknown on THIS day... doesn't come close in comparison to the rich, real, EXPERIENCE of marriage that we now know three years later.

Three years later & I can honestly say I really, REALLY love my husband more today than I ever did EVER BEFORE. All cliche, cute, lovey-dovey-ness aside. I'm not talking about the dating, falling-in-love-hard kind of love. I'm talking about, I LOVE HIM MORE TODAY THAN EVER BEFORE in the amazed, in awe, so confident, grateful, attracted to because of his heart, respect the man that he is kinda love. 

A "roots forever entertwined" kind of love. :) 

I love that, three years later, I HATE when he has to leave on a trip & get butterflies when he comes home. 

I love that, three years later, I know him & his heart & his emotions so well... and he's still learning mine. ;) 

I love that, three years later, I can honestly say we've lived through some serious GUNK & endured some serious PAIN & I respect him more for the way he's treated me through those seasons. 

I love that, three years later, he's definitely by now seen EVERY ugly part of me & still really, deep down, loves me. 

I love that, three years later, he flirts with me all the time & makes me laugh. 

I love that, three years later, I can honestly say he's my best friend & I'd rather be hanging out with him any/every night than anyone else on the entire planet. 

I LOVE THAT! 

Anyone who knows any part of our story/testimony knows that, for this to be true of us, is pretty rich. 

Our first 6 months of marriage were ridiculously terrible. 

And the years since then have been far from perfect. 

And even today, in fact, he made me a little crazy. 

And yesterday, I made HIM a little crazy.

And to be considered a "perfect couple" is the stupidest thing anyone can suggest. 

Which is why the picture above makes me smile so freaking big. 

The only thing perfect about us is the symbol of the SAVIOR between us who keeps HOLDING US ALL TOGETHER FOREVER & EVER!

I love that HE is our perfection. 

I love that, in our weakness, in our ugly, HE is made perfect. 

I love that, in our mess-ups, in our hard phases, in our fights, in our selfishness, HE redeems, HE makes us whole! And HE keeps love ENDURING!

I LOVE THAT!

When two, young, love-struck kids fall in love & decide to get married, they think they know it all. 

THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT. 

THEIR LOVE IS STRONG ENOUGH TO ENDURE WHATEVER COMES. 

And life hits you & suddenly you have two weeks before you get paid again with only $20 in your account & you're a newlywed who's convinced that your husband doesn't think you're pretty anymore & he's 30 minutes late from work AGAIN when he SAID he'd be on time & the dinner you were excited about making him is burnt to a crisp & for some reason you're SO PATHETIC THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE SPAGHETTI RIGHT so naturally you throw the whole pot of spaghetti away in a rage because you feel stupid & embarrassed & like you're the worst wife on earth!! 

:) 

That can, to some extent, sum up our first few months of marriage (from my perspective) & the reason the picture above makes me so happy is because of grace. 

GRACE. 

Jesus Christ, who died on the Cross for our sins, who had a FRONT ROW SEAT on our wedding day and SAW all the insecurity/financialtrouble/kitchentrouble/uglyfights/spaghettiefiasco's that was awaiting us in those first few months of marriage... HE ALSO KNEW that there we would be a TODAY... a marriage three years later. 

And TODAY: 

We have 2 military moves under our belts. 

We've moved, just the TWO of us, to two brand new states that neither of us have lived in & learned to live. Only being able to depend on each other at first. Which is awesome/crazy. 

We know how to handle conflict with each other in a MUCH healthier way.

We have ONE DEPLOYMENT under our belts!!! (< big accomplishment for me, as this was always a wary fear of mine.)

We have learned to play off each other's strengths & weaknesses in a really cool way. 

We've endured a whole year & a half of some intense pilot training... walking through all the tough times that come with that.

We have seen each other grow in the Lord, through community, in AWESOME ways. 

We've learned so much from each other, even random cool things.. 

We continue to get closer to each other's families, which is one of my favorite things.

We really KNOW how the other person is going to react to a certain situation.

He still pursues my heart, even when I don't want him to (which, let's be honest women, is the time that I secretly really DO want him to. Stupid girl stuff. lol).

We've truly become best friends. Seriously. With all sexual stuff/lovey-dovey/mushy stuff aside.... we just love being in the same ROOM as each other & making each other laugh. As best friends. Really. It's rich. 

And It's perhaps one of my favorite things about a marriage of three years. 

I'm writing this list & get emotional thinking about it all. 

Billy & I have lived some serious life so far. 

Gosh. I love that man. 

AND TODAY. 

Like in that picture three years ago. 

Christ is with us. 

STILL!!!

He has been since that day & He always will be.

He sustains. 

He loves. 

He gives grace upon grace. 

He has taught me more about myself in the last three years than I EVER would've learned without my Billy by my side. 

He's protected our love & continues to COMPEL us to LOVE each other. Which is huge.

Love is NOT something that simply stays with you forever. 

It's something you have to fight for. 

Marriage is a perfect arena for deceived people to call it quits, because marriage gets hard. 

But if you call it quits, you might miss out on the THREE YEAR MARRIAGE!!! 

Marriage at ONE YEAR isn't anywhere CLOSE to a marriage at THREE YEARS!! 

And, I'm sure, that the marriage at THREE YEARS won't be as rich as the marriage at FIVE YEARS! or TEN YEARS! 

Such beauty. Such legacy. 

God's ideas are the best ideas. 

They may not be the easiest, or most convenient. 

But, they really are the best. They really do offer rich rewards. 

I know we're only 3 years into this, and I'm sure many of our toughest challenges & most life-changing events are still several years down the road... (*coughkidscough*).

I'm not ignorant to the fact that we've mastered everything to know about marriage & from here on out we are living in the honeymoon phase. 

I am just able to truly realize that: 

the life, and love and forgiveness and reality that happens AFTER the honeymoon phase is where the beauty is. 

So if you're married... & things are going hard.... DON'T QUIT. 

If you quit, you miss out on the beauty found in the THREE YEAR MARRIAGE. 

Or the TEN YEAR MARRIAGE. 

And just to clarify, I don't think that time or year count has anything really to do with it.... 

because I'm sure there are several 20+ year marriages that are A W F U L. 

Which makes me sad. 

But I also happen to know that there are 20+ year marriages that are INCREDIBLE. 

And I guarantee those INCREDIBLE, LONG marriages had seasons in those 20 years where one/both spouses may have wanted to quit. 

And what if they had? 

What if we had? 

We'd be missing out. 

And the reason we'd be missing out is... because Christ, who has been the Guest of Honor since the beginning, has given us grace upon grace. 

To change. 

To lay down pride & selfishness. 

To grow. 

To love. 

To ask for forgiveness. 

To forgive. 

Over & over & over. 

Kinda like what Jesus does for us. 

If you have THAT kind of influence in your life; the kind of influence that causes you to want to become MORE LIKE JESUS in the way you love your spouse & live your life.... the hard seasons will pass. 

The exposed ugliness can be covered & cleaned. 

The mean words can be forgiven. 

The pain can be mended. 

The mistakes can be redeemed. 

And what was once "one year of 'hell" can become "THREE YEARS OF GRACE" 

and the beauty found after the honeymoon phase is better than the butterflies found in the twitter-pated phase. 

And suddenly, you realize that life without your spouse, your best friend, your partner in crime, your confidante, the person who truly has your heart....

is no life at all. 

So here's to three years. 

Cheers to three years! 

Cheers to the ugly, the beautiful, the fun times, the sad times, the hard times. The grace.

The friendship!!!! 

The love. Oh the love. :) 

I love you forever my Billy. 

Grateful to be yours, grateful that you chose me back in the day... five years ago... 

around this time:

(this is the first ever picture we took together. May 22, 2008) :) 

and SO BLESSED to know that, even though you know me so much better & have seen so much ugly in me SINCE then..... I know you'd still choose me to be yours again TODAY.

So that we could keep doing stuff we love to do..... like this:

(This is the most recent picture we've taken together. Taken today at lunch. 

Our first date 5 years ago was at Chick-fil-a on May 14, 2008. Some things never change.) :) 

And of course, I have to end with my favorite quote about love. 

Becomes more true with each passing year. 

I am a grateful woman!

"Love is a temporary madness.

It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.

And when it subsides you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. 

That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. 

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. 

Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." 

-St. Augustine

I LOVE YOU BABY!!!

With the fire of a thousand suns.

And I promise I will love you forever.

Three years down.... God-willing, 100 to go. :)

"We Hate Christians."

Wow. Already May 1st which means SOOOOOOO close to seeing my love. I could burst. 

Whoever told me that the last two weeks of deployment were the hardest couldn't have been more correct. I'm about ready for these shenans to be over and to not have an empty house 24/7. But soon, my friends, so soon. Praise Jesus. 

The deployment has been honestly, surprisingly awesome so far. God's been up to some pretty great stuff. Being around family has helped quite a bit & Bill has been able to get mentored by a rando Chaplain out in the desert, God's been doing some awesome stuff in his heart as well in these meetings with the great Chaplain & it's cool to hear about it from afar. 

SPEAKING of Chaplains. 

Apparently a lot of things are beginning to change in this wonderful world that I love called the military. 

An article has been floating around today that's caught my eye... with the title: 

"Breaking: Pentagon confirms May Court Martial Soldiers Who Share Christian Faith." 

uhhhhh. Ok. So what does that mean? 

You can read the article here for yourself, but essentially here's what I got from it: 

- Someone, I believed named "Weinstein" or something like that, literally STRONGLY DISLIKES (aka hates) Christians.

- Weinstein, who has influence in the military as being the head of the "Military Religious FREEDOM Foundation." (ya that's right.) considers Christians to be "monsters" and "enemies of the constitution." 

- Chaplains who share their faith... either from the pulpit, a counseling session, or even from a friend-to-friend scenario, are committing "treason" and "spiritual rape." Hm. 

- Christians in the military (and even the normal civilian ones) are kind of sort of freeeeaaakkking out about it. 

(Did I read it wrong, or was I spot on? This question is genuine & far from sarcastic, really.)

So far, I've gotten to read some amusing comments on the article feed that include but are not limited to: 

"Good news, they are letting the gays in now, so you can finally join." (< hateful attempt at being a smart-arse.)

"More room in the closet... looks like that's where the Christians will have to go!" (< well, funny guy.)

"Good reason for people of FAITH not to serve." (< ignorant.)

"Ain't ever gonna happen bloodlessly. Jefferson said freedom must occasionally be cleansed with the blood of patriots. We are not going to get our rights restored any other way." ( < whoa. Chill.) 

"Obama is not a good politician. The worst president in history. He makes Carter look good." ( < repub.)

In response to the ^ republican: "What about Nixon? Try educating yourself." ( < great point.)

And my personal favorite comeback: 

"EDUCATE YOURSELF? I think that's the trash calling the can stinky." ( < winner winner.)

~~~~~~

SO. Stuff is passing, laws are changing. 

People are sharing their opinions (which are ALWAYS the right one.) 

I'm on my way home today thinking about all of this crap, getting riled up & probably slightly deep down a teeny-weeny little bit scared. 

I'm seeing people post stuff about this, "rallying the Christian troops" to stand up and FIGHT! DO SOMETHING! DON'T JUST ROLL OVER AND LET THE CHRISTIAN-HATERS WIN!!!!

I decided I was going to join in on this rally, because I (most days) love the influence of social media.... so there I was, driving home & mentally preparing the words that I was going to put in my status so that I, too could spread the article to raise awareness of the INJUSTICE and the HYPOCRISY and the DISCRIMINATION against us poor little Christians. 

So I ask God aloud in my car.... 

"WELL?? So what now? What do we do? God, how do we "FIGHT?"

Honest question I suppose. 

The mix of Christianity into governmental issues has been on my mind quite a lot recently. 

It's all part of my testimony which I'm planning on sharing in an upcoming post, but the gist of where I've been at is: WHAT, HOW, WHEN are Christians supposed to ACTUPON/VOTEFOR/STANDFOR/STANDAGAINST & HOW does that play into society/politics/social CHANGES today? 

I thought about it with the recent supreme court ruling marriage equality gig that exploded on social media... (I hope a lot of people reading this post still have red equal signs profile pix, to be honest...) and I thought about this again today. 

In His AMAZING GRACE, God was able to save a wretch like me from myself.

Don't get me wrong, on paper & especially according to church people I was as good as they come. 

BUT thankfully, God opened my eyes (due to the recent political shenans of the last election & then some) in a different way & I'm now, for once, trying my best to see things a little more His way (which is a way I get from actually READING my Bible, and not just digesting & regurgitating "Christianeze" that I've grown up believing.) Still SUCH a pitiful work in progress... but there's progress!
But that's for another post...

I digress. 

So we're here. 

And the world hates us. 

And the government says we can't share our faith. 

And some people are cheering & some people are throwing a fit. 

And it is very possible that some crazy crap can happen down the road that involves Chaplain's being "caught" sharing their faith and being court-marshaled for committing treason. 

And that is a little bit scary to think about. 

So again, I ask God, and YOU (whoever you are, reading this.) 

HOW DO WE FIGHT??? 

What does that even look like? 

Well the first thought that popped into my head while I was trying to think of a clever, inspiring, Christian-rallying status that I was going to post to facebook when I got home was... 

"Hey Jo, how about you pray about it instead of post about it?" 

...

Yeeeeeah. 

Wanna know what that was? That was a mini Holy Spirit slap in the face. 

I mean, I'm sure He doesn't do that, but if He did, I think I caught a glimpse of what that felt like.

(and it was not awesome.) 

"Fine God." 

(I kinda got all smart-alikey cuz He just hurt my pride a little bit.) 

"This is me praying. And I'll ask You again. HOW DO WE FIGHT???" 

Here are the verses that immediately popped into my little brain: 

Ephesians 6:12 - "For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil-rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." 

&

Matthew 6:33 - "Seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." 

Then, another thought popped into my mind. 

I'm not sure where I read/heard it, but I remember it being very convicting to my Christian-republican-wannatakeAmericabackforJesus little self. 

This comment was in regards to the past election, where Christians/military members were freaking out at the thought of Obama winning another election: 

"4 years of an Presidential campaign cannot unravel the eternal work of Jesus and His Kingdom." 

Yes. Great reminder at this moment. 

Thought Process Continues: 

Well, how did Jesus fight? (Other than with probably a trillion billion million angels destroying the works of the devil.) 

- The only picture I got was praying. Praying.  

Hm. Ok, moving on... continuing thought process.

Now, a little disclaimer, I'm way past the "take America back for Christ" Christian mentality quite a bit - I'm honestly not completely sure yet where I stand as far as certain issues & how my personal beliefs can mesh into politics in a Jesus way. 

(Don't freak out. Let God do His work & trust that He's got me!!) 

That being said, my next thought wasn't so much with the "take America back for Christ" process, but more just, in my opinion, common-sensey. I thought: 

"But God! It ISN'T FAIR. It's NOT FAIR for them to put these limitations on us. 

It's NOT FAIR for Christian-haters to scream "TOLERANCE" down our throats and then in the same breathe say "FOR EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOU!" 

It's a hypocritical double standard and.... wait a second... isn't that the EXACT thing that Christian-haters HATE about Christians? That we're a bunch of hypocrites with double-standards??" 

So, God prompted me to think about what happened in Jesus' life that wasn't "FAIR." 

Welp. Didn't take long for that one to come up. 

Jesus was CRUCIFIED because He CLAIMED to be THE SON OF GOD. 

That, seems a little unfair to me. 

I mean, do we really think He was the FIRST person in the history of the world to claim to be the son of God?

Since when is the standard of "claiming to be the Son of God" earn you a crucified spot on a cross? 

A slap on the wrist, a head-shake, maybe. 

But a crucifixion? A bloody, brutal, painful, devastating and humiliating crucifixion?

That wasn't fair. That REALLY wasn't fair.

Now, I know this comparison is a bit of a stretch. 

Jesus didn't live in a time of history that proclaimed "FREEDOM" from the rooftops.

And yet, the funny thing is, He didn't need to... because HIS LIFE PROCLAIMS FREEDOM. 

(proclaims, as in PRESENT tense, not past.)

Jesus doesn't need a government to determine the standard FREEDOM that we can live in!

Wow. 

So, as hard as it is to see our perfect little Christian right's crumble to the ground, I guess for me it is to be expected. 

And I think, based on the thought process of today's events, that it's REALLY going to be OK.

I think, the resounding response I got from the questions I asked God today was:

 "SEEK. FIRST. HIS. KINGDOM." 

and WHY should we do that FIRST? 

Because: HE. GIVES. YOU. EVERYTHING. YOU. NEED. (Matthew 6:33). 

Haters-hate. 

And for the first time in a quite a while, a "hater" with a LOT of influence has the microphone & we're all left a little bit intimidated & shocked by his claims & suggestions. 

But I guess, it'll be ok. 

"One law change can NOT & will NOT unravel the work of Jesus & the advancement of His Kingdom." 

Stand on it. Believe it. 

Now, I do sympathize. Because:

- Yes, it's not fair. 

- Yes, it's going to be uncomfortable (but really, only uncomfortable to the Christians who are vocal, bold and outspoken about Jesus in their life... I'm pretty sure the rest of us American Christians will be just fine in light of this law change, TBH. Ouch.) 

- Yes, things will probably change & the change will not be in "our favor." 

- Yes, a lot of unjust, hypocritical things will take place and the word "tolerance" will conveniently be forgotten.

HOWEVER. 

Those aren't the only things we have to say "yes" to. 

Thanks to what Jesus did on the Cross, we have a few more things to say "YES!" to: 

- YES, Jesus is the ONLY way, truth and life. 

- YES, HE is the GOOD shepherd and we LACK NOTHING.

-YES, Jesus gives us EVERYTHING WE NEED FOR LIFE. 

- YES, one day EVERY KNEE WILL BOW and every single tongue will CONFESS that Jesus Christ is LORD!

- YES, God is currently in the process of building a church AND THE GATES OF HELL WILL NOT PREVAIL AGAINST IT! (please cheer for that one.)

- YES, without love, we are NO-THING. NOTHING. but an annoying loud clanging cymbal. 

- YES, the way to "fight against this age" involves a BELT of truth, a BREASTPLATE of righteousness, the gospel of PEACE, the SHIELD of faith, HELMET of salvation, SWORD of the Spirit, which is the word of God!

And oh my word.... I just read the remainder of that above Ephesians 6 "armor of God" reference again... and do YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT SAYS??

(Verse 18) - praying at all times in the Spirit, with ALL prayer & supplication. To that end, keep alert with ALL PERSEVERANCE, making supplication for ALL the saints... 

And then, (Verse 19), Paul asks.... "pray also for me, that WORDS MAY BE GIVEN TO ME IN OPENING MY MOUTH BOLDLY TO PROCLAIM THE MYSTERY OF THE GOSPEL... for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak." 

I'm sorry, but isn't this what we were JUST TALKING ABOUT?? :) I love God! 

So yes. 

I hope this is at least a little bit encouraging & far from condescending. 

My conclusion I came to today: 

1) Seek His Kingdom. 

2) Fight by PRAYING. 

And, I hope that that fun little lesson that the Holy Spirit so gently taught me today speaks to you too...

 instead of posting about it, PRAY. 

Not to say don't post anything ever, I mean, I think a petition is going around to combat the changes Mr. Weinstein is trying to implement & I'm sure I will sign it, HOWEVER, don't get rattled. 

Don't get scared. 

And DON'T LET a post replace a prayer. 

He is so worthy. 

Love you all.