Aimless:::

Middle of March already. So very hard to believe. 

I feel like I've been in some sort of time-warp machine because it does NOT feel that long ago that I had blogged, and it does NOT feel like almost three months have passed into the new year. I hate this whole time thing... truly never have enough of it and eventually it slips away and before you know it, you're 12 going on 25 and the rest of your mind and heart have a lot of catching up to do. What? 

Incredible. 

These past few months have been a bit of a fly-by for me. I'm in this crazy weird phase of hunting for a job and feeling the pain  that can come along with rejection email... after rejection email... after rejection email. Is it just me or does it seem nearly impossible to land an interview after a resume these days? 

I've only had one interview and got that job... but after some (*cough an absolute ton cough*) of thought, I decided against that particular job as it would totally bring my already "distance-familiar" marriage to a whole new level.... truth is, I already spend enough time apart from my guy, I don't want to add to it with a job that takes me everywhere, always. 

Isn't THAT encouraging? The only open door, the only clear path and the only thing I propel in, is the one that I know deep down in my heart I shouldn't choose? Yes! Yay! Fun! 

So I'm back to square one, job-less with a few (...yay!) possibilities on the horizon and trying, trying trying trying, to trust that God knows and holds. 

Billy keeps asking me what I think God is trying to teach me in this phase and to be honest, all I can think about it "to be patient." It's such a Sunday school answer, but that's where I am and it's all I got. I'm sure there's more and I'm that, one day, my hindsight will be 20/20 and this particularly discouraging, dry and somewhat dull season of life will fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a life.

I suppose one fear of mine right now is that I'm wasting this puzzle piece. I found myself.... with all the precious time that I sometimes feel I have too much of on my hands.... w a s t i n g it. And I suppose "found" is past tense and that is incorrect. Just this week, I have held and, I say this ashamed at the thought, wasted. The wasting is painfully present and a painfully present battle.

Maybe this can be my wake-up call? Maybe this can be my 20/20? 

I don't know. It's interesting how the "green grass" theory works, and how accurate it can be...... right now, I'd do just about anything to have some sort of structure in my life that involved waking up early to work a job to bring some income and have a steady schedule into my life. I miss contributing to "us" in a financial way and I miss interacting with people on a daily basis; I'm wired for that setting I think.

HOWEVER.... the greener grass taunts me. 

Looking back, I clearly see that I had that life in Texas... and I'm pretty sure those days were occasionally marked by longing for a season that looks a whole, lot, like... this one? 

With so much free time that I don't even know what to do. 

I do believe that too much time on your hands with no productivity can be dangerous; at least for me it really can be. 

When you're down in a slump... where things in your life aren't going your way and jobs can't be found and freaking blizzard after blizzard after polar vortex after polar vortex are slamming you every week and zap all desire to go outside..... you know, that kinda slump? 

When you're in that slump, or when I'M in that slump, I think parts of me die. Dramatic? Perhaps but I don't really think so. 

I find that I have zero inspiration. 

I take on old habits. Destructive, mental type things that Beth Moore condemns and Jesus freed me from a long time ago. 

In my world right now, idle time is the enemy to broken shackles.

I look forward to sleeping just for the sake of sleeping. 

I turn down invitations and find myself in sweat pants all day.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M ADMITTING TO THIS!!! 

Woo hoooooo for the ugly, raw and vulnerable right? 

Woooooo hoooooo for something that screams imperfection in a sea of perfect tips, tricks and quick fixes. 

I can't fake it and I won't.

The last few months have been tough. 

The waiting room has been daunting. 

The rejections have become personal even when they should never have been. 

The longing for purpose has been a heavy burden to bear. 

The reality of being "aimless" has set in and lead me to a place where my trust has high, strong borders. 

The truth that "joy is a choice" is a constant reminder of my personal weakness in being able to choose it. 

Shame lingers.

Hope dies. 

Fear sets in and enthusiasm, joy, purpose and light unravel.

The interesting reality of it all is this is, just that, a season. 

And seasons change, basically four times a year to be exact. (And only twice if you live in Colorado.) 

And in this season which I now categorize as "aimless" ------ I. Can. Still. Choose. 

Choose to see the light.

Choose to see the grace. 

Like that time my husband convinced me to go to a Casting Crowns Concert... even though I was tired and REALLY didn't want to go because I didn't really like Casting Crowns. 

They're Bill's favorite.

And I realize my laziness is the only excuse I have and that's embarrassing so I decide that maybe we should go after all. 

My soul has NEVER felt so refreshed, so rejuvenated, so quickly! 

"Jesus can You show me just how far the east is from the west? Cuz I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again.... but You know just how far the east is from the west... one scarred hand to the other." 

"Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete... could we just be broken together? You could bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine... could healing still be spoken and save us? The only way we'll last forever is broken together."

"Let me dream for you... I am strong when you're weak, I will carry you... so let go of your plan, get caught by my hand and I'll show you what I can do when I dream for you. I'm stronger than you think I am, I'll take you farther than you think you can... my child if you only knew all the plans that I have for you, just try Me I will follow through."

I forgot how incredibly Casting Crowns lyrics were... 

And I ALMOST MISSED IT if it weren't for my insistent husband who loves them so much. 

I almost missed the glass of water I was dying of thirst for.

Then... after that night that included so much bawling on my part... in the middle of a gray season... I see so many colors and most of them are green...

grace. 

And enough grace to be able to SEE the grace!! 

My 20/20 continues. Let's let it. 

Though definitely not perfect (because when is it EVER??) I can happily say that my marriage is one thing that's been pretty freakin awesome, all things considered. 

And of course, my dullness and struggles mentioned above have only a smidge to do with that. 

Billy's constant encouragement and love have, very frequently, broken through the gray haze and have literally felt like a glass of cold water on my parched, heavy and aimless soul. 

HOW POETIC IS HE?? Right?!? 

Straight outta a chick-flick, this man of mine, I tell ya. 

Seriously though. As tough as marriage is, the beauty and grace found in it absolutely outweighs the struggles in every possible way.

My guy has held me through the breakdowns, through the tearful cries and affirmed who I am - who GOD says I am - in the midst of my precious collections of rejections. 

Having someone SHOUTING truth in the smack-dab middle of you declaring a painful lie over yourself is, powerful my friends. So very powerful. 

His words, his truth and his love light my wick again. I can do this. Because I'm not alone. 

And... to bring it to an even more raw and TRUTH embracing place.... the REALITY of all realities is that, even if Billy was away, or gone, or unloving or mean.... it still stands:

I am NOT alone. 

I am not aimless. 

I have purpose. 

I have a calling.

I am waiting. 

I can HAVE hope. 

I may not know where I'm going, but I CAN choose to live. 

I CAN choose to live and LOVE every day. 

I was reminded the other day of a Louie Giglio sermon, the first place I heard the quote: 

"The Glory of God is man fully alive!" 

FULLY ALIVE! 

In the midst of your dull seasons, in the midst of your pain and your longing.... to be FULLY ALIVE!

Seasons shouldn't dictate how you LIVE.

Waiting rooms shouldn't dictate who you SERVE and who you LOVE. 

Aimless shouldn't dictate the Rock you have hope in.

The glory of God is man fully alive. 

I'm in a dead place craving to be so very fully alive.

I'm in an aimless season longing for some direction. 

I'm in a place of needing a King to call my name and I know it's a safe place to be. 

SO.

Until the next chapter begins....

Until the next season brings forth life...

Until the next blizzard finally passes and the sun decides to show...

Until the next page in my story is written....

I'll be here. 

Waiting. 

Probably mostly silently.

Practicing patience.

Embracing peace. 

Trying to direct all my longing, all my hoping and all my desires... to the Living Water that doesn't leave me thirsty for more.

Truly, this isn't my home anyways. 

I can bank on that.

So while I'm here... I long to bring His Kingdom to this place.

To see HIS GLORY!!!

And that glory is Christ in me.

In other words...

me. 

fully alive.

by His grace alone.

Thank you 20/20, we're done here. :)  

Marriage Tips by Beth Moore:::

I have a lot on my mind and even more on my heart. 

These past few months have been literally filled with much joy and probably, even more tears and heartache. 

It's that crazy thing about life, ya know? 

Ups and downs... joy and sorrow... purpose and emptiness... life goes on and on and seasons come and go and He's smack dab in the middle of it, unchanging and unfailing and true.

I suppose that thought journey will be processed later. 

However, now, I wanted to share with you what I found on an old, archived blog from Beth Moore dated allllllll the way back in December 2007.

I found it to still be so very timeless and true today. 

I loved the simplicity she had to say about marriage, it really encouraged me and I hope it encourages you to keep fighting for it no matter what. 

She wrote...

"Some of the things God has taught Keith and me are not for public consumption. Others are meant to be shared. These are a handful of things God has helped us practice along the way that led up to this particular day:

*We try more often to live by the law of kindness. In the old days, we’d figure out one another’s weakness then aim that direction with arrows of harsh words on purpose. Most of the time these days, we avoid the targets that we know good and well are the other’s Achilles’ heel. We just don’t like to be mean much anymore.

*We snuggle a lot. We have a big, long couch in our den but a whole lot of times we sit in the leather chair that’s almost not big enough for one hind end. Let alone two. Or three when Beanie gets jealous.

*We still talk a lot – over coffee, walking dogs, or bubble baths – and try to be interested in the other one’s world even when we don’t get it one iota. When you have a mix like Beth the Librarian and Keith the Barbarian, you have to try extra hard.

*We’ve had to choose to put stuff behind us. We have had no few problems, no few differences, and no few conflicts and, if we wanted to keep a record of wrongs, we could have a list long enough to trip over for the rest of our lives. Neither one of us thinks highly of letting the other run all over us nor is either of us likely to keep an opinion to ourselves. We still fight. But then we get on with living and make a choice not keep punishing each other with yesterday’s stuff. Life’s too short and a house too small. You have to forgive – and be forgiven – a ton.

*We just keep going. This isn’t going to sound profound but it’s actually one of the biggest things God has used to turn a rocky start into twenty-nine years. We just kept getting through the night till the sun would come up and we’d made it another day. Before we knew it, the next anniversary rolled around. And we’d be so glad. And little by little, we just got happier and happier. Hard times have always come calling but so have good times. God just gave us the wherewithal not to quit before the next sweet season came. Oh, that He’d continue to.

I am so tender to those of you who have endured the pain of divorce and I plead with you not to let this entry invite you to destructive feelings of condemnation or failure. I know how hard marriage can be. I know what a miracle it takes at times and how willing both parties have to be to receive it. But, with your blessing and your security in Christ, I also need to be able to say to those who may be on the edge of giving up, please, I beg you, don’t. Just make it through the night and see the sun come up tomorrow morning from your knees. Fight your battles ferociously with your face to the floor. Give God time and room. Wives, quit being the husband. Fire yourself. Let God take it over. Get counseling if you need it – even if your man won’t – but don’t quit. Even if you don’t love him…or like him. Even if you hate him. God can soften a heart of granite if you’ll let Him. Wait it out a little longer. Laugh a little harder. Snuggle a little tighter. Love by faith. Not just by sight. 

As the Apostle Paul says, all that matters is faith expressing itself through love."

:::The Bait:::

When I was growing up, I thought my greatest strength was communication.

I prided myself in being able to meet someone and know about their family life, where they came from, what school they went to, what they wanted to do in their future, whether or not they loved Jesus, why they did or didn't love Him, whether they're a dog/cat person, how many kids they want to have, their favorite food, color and favorite number within the first 5 minutes of conversation.

I'm not even kidding.

I loved (and still love) this "interview/21 questions style" of communication so much that I truly can say that my dream (probably still to this day) is to do EXACTLY what Oprah does; sit on a couch, across from another interesting person, and find out everything there is to know about them. Talk about them all day long... LEARN about who they are!

Because to be honest, I'm obsessed with peoples' stories & their emotions....

WHY are you the way you are? WHY do you love that type of music? WHY do you hate the church? WHY do you want to be a doctor when you grow up? WHY did you leave home? WHY are you so optimistic all the time? WHY do you struggle with other peoples' opinions?

WHAT makes you tick and WHY??

Are you kidding me? Look at these amazing communication skills!!!

I am the COMM-QUEEEEEN!!!!!!

And we all know that "COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY" when it comes to marriage.

It's the "most. important. thing." in marriage.

So I went into marriage with the (jaded) perception that I was gonna kick my marriage in the butt.

In the best way possible.

Because when communication is your strength, you can accomplish EVERYTHING.

So then I get married.

And suddenly I'm past the "interview/21 questions style" of communication with my husband & we're down to REAL LIFE, FACE TO FACE, beautiful & ugly realms of marriage where communication just so happens to require a higher number than 21 & a deeper level than what is typically achieved in a 5 minute interview.

Suddenly I know everything about this man - his story, his past, his favorites, his regrets, his love languages - and that cutesy part is SO over and I get rudely introduced to a (somewhat HUGE) part of communication called "C O N F L I C T  R E S O L U T I O N" and suddenly my "greatest strength" in life is actually a cruel, funny joke.

I'm serious when I say this..... that the sudden realization, of realizing your "greatest strength" is actually your "greatest area of pathetic-ness...." is paaaaaainfully humbling.

And if it doesn't humble you, it absolutely shames you.

I went from "girl who has it all together" to "girl who has the maturity level of a 3 year old when it comes to daily marital 'fun."

Luckily - actually, luck has nothing to do with GRACE so.... Gracefully, God gave me this man.

Now, I really believe that every single family on earth has some level of dysfunction.

Whether it's blatantly obvious dysfunction - abuse, divorce, addiction...

or "publicly secret" dysfunction - stuffers, complete surface-level "intimacy," neurotic perfectionism, hidden anger...

every. family. deals.

That being said, I must say that my family is seriously awesome.

My parents are far from perfect but so perfectly fit for me.

My siblings are cool and the older they get the cooler they get.

I was raised to love truth and hate sin and look adults in the eye and be confident in who God made me, inside & out.

My social strengths were encouraged and my weaknesses were covered by love & I'm grateful for this family of mine that I did nothing to deserve.

Amazing, yes.

Perfect, NO.

Dysfunction - absolutely hidden.

Billy's family visibly displayed their dysfunction, however, with this terrible thing called divorce.

His parents divorced when he was about 13 and many of the scars of that security-shift shaped him into who he is today.

It's his story.

The dysfunction is real and obvious and much of his identity for a long time was rooted in it.

However, the irony of my "outwardly perfect" upbringing compared to his "outwardly broken" upbringing does NOT escape me.

Both families were amazing.

Both families were dysfunctional in some regard.

Both families produced strengths and weaknesses in us that truly shape and make us who were are today.
And, in spite of the "perfect vs. imperfect" contrast that really can define our family life... the experiences we were put through absolutely are bearing fruit - good and bad - in our marriage today.

Examples?
Let's start with my Bill.
The constant conflict that a typical divorced family experiences is what made my husband  INCREDIBLY gifted at his conflict/resolution skills.
His patience, wisdom and kindness in the midst of a heated conflict is perhaps the most visible evidence of God's grace in my life.

The shame & insecurities he experienced as a 13 year old boy who watched his parent's marriage fall apart and felt the weight of the world on his shoulders as he stepped into the "man of the house" responsibility of the oldest son... has given him his absolutely tender, yet strong, heart.
The hell-ish years through the divorce and the pain he felt and saw, gave him the desire to treasure, protect and nurture his future marriage above anything and everything.

Do you see it?
The practice he had - due to a broken marriage and a pained childhood - is reaping TEN-FOLD in his relationship today.
Strengths, and grace, and true BEAUTY - from the broken pieces.

Really, only God can do that.

Now, to be fair, let's look at my life.
Again, outwardly pretty freakin' awesome.
And inwardly, there was so so so much awesome too.
However, the "conflict" I experienced in my family, due to the "publicly secret" dysfunction, involved a whole lot of anger, explosions, and rug sweeping to finish it off.
All of those conflict-resolution tricks you learn in pre-marriage counseling were pretty brand-spanking new to me to say the least.
My "outwardly perfect" life, although it shaped me and my identity in a truly blessed way, did NOT aid too much when it came to the way I handle my anger in a relationship.

SO.
Fast forward through life.
And if you've read any of my previous marriage blog, you know how the story goes.

But to summarize - and to emphasize the ironic grace - it looks like this.
The girl from the "perfect" family with the "amazing" communication skills realizes that her "greatest strength" is actually the opposite and an area that will destroy her marriage - and the man she married - completely.
Meanwhile, the boy from the "dysfunctional family," full of conflict and full of pain, who was raised in a far from perfect home and had to work through insecurity and identity issues that were embedded from the divorce, was God's greatest evidence of grace in the marriage that was continually hurt by the girl's explosive cycle of anger and shame.

Isn't that weird?
The skills learned from the broken life completely carried the hurting marriage through to wholeness?
And the lack of skills learned in the "secretly dysfunctional" upbringing absolutely surprised the girl from the perfect family who thought her greatest strength would make this marriage so easy??

It's amazing to me.
And truly humbling.
First, completely shameful.
But as time has progressed, and we're 3.5 years into this marriage thing, the humility replaced the shame and the grace covers.

The grace always covers.

I'm still learning even more about this communication thing, and I'm blessed to learn so much from the communication expert that I call my husband.

When I'm hurt in a relationship, I tend to get angry, defensive, and retreat.
My innate nature is to blame, and then isolate.
The fact that I'd rather sever or distance relationships rather than address offenses or issues is not only a product of my upbringing, but just immaturity in general.

This is in no ways an area that I've mastered; in fact, even recent events allowed myself to fall back into this familiar trend of "you hurt me so I'm going to never care about anything you do to me ever again, adios forEVER!"
This recent event made me super upset and, since I'd rather NOT deal with the issue by expressing how my feelings got hurt by that other person TO that other person, I decided to try to sweep it under the rug and just "forget it."

My husband, however, in all his wisdom and maturity, lovingly reminded me how stupid I was acting and how I, as the older person (aka supposedly more mature) person in the relationship, should communicate about my hurt feeling and discuss with that person how, what they did was in fact not ok.

I told him I could handle it, but lo and behold... a week came and went and just thinking about it again really pissed me off.

So I bit the bullet and called and expressed what I was feeling and how unappreciated I felt and blady-blah... and OH MY WORD...
It was FREEING! 

I'm slowly seeing how held up bitterness towards another person is EXACTLY what satan wants us to do.
 I also recently heard from Bill's Uncle, a man a truly respect, that "the bait of satan is 'offense.'"

HOW TRUE IS THIS?
I allow myself to get offended, in some cases very easily, and I choose to respond to that offense by doing exactly what satan wants us to do - SEVER any and all relationships!

This is NOT good!
And I got to experience the pure beauty and grace and POWER OF RECONCILIATION in this particular event that had truly left me feeling extremely hurt.

A hurt, an offense, that I chose to embrace and allow to fully develop in the relationship in the form of "drifting apart."

This is NOT what I believe that we - as people who want to look like, act like, be like and worship this living God-Man named Jesus - are called to do.

SO.
To wrap up this blog-post.... lessons I've learned.

Jesus loves me so much.
It's this love that shows me lessons that I must learn in order to grow.
Sometimes what you think is a strength is actually a covered up weakness; learning to embrace those weaknesses produces more of Him in you.
Weakness doesn't have to be a shameful thing... it can be a Jesus thing - and that's the best thing because that's where the grace is! 
A broken life needing grace is better than a perfect life without it. 
Jesus can redeem anything - divorce, abuse, pain. He redeems and He restores and He loves us into His image.
Relationships are TRUE treasure. Valuing relationships above pride or ego brings freedom.
Offense really is the bait of satan; offense gives him a foothold of pride and pride makes your heart so ugly.
Doing hard things - like calling up someone and admitting that your feelings got hurt - can be painful and yet can bring so much beauty. Make the call. 
It takes humility to admit you're wrong, or you need to change. Jump into that humility, I'm serious, JUMP!

~

I'm grateful for my strengths and even now, more grateful for these weaknesses that I see more and more popping up in my life.
Marriage is so good at that, ya know? Bringing you face to face to stuff you always imagined you had straightened out... only to find your ducks aren't all in a row and you need to start at square one again:
C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N.

:)

It's fun to be a child-like.
It's fun to realize you have a LONG way to go...
It's fun to know that you'll never have it figured out and it's ok.
It's fun to find that HE fills in the gaps in your life; those big, ugly gaps that many people call WEAKNESS.
God fills in those "weakness" gaps and growth happens and suddenly...
 the broken become chosen. 

::Only::

"Now, before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.

During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot to betray him, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper."

John 13: 1-3, 4a ESV

...

 

I found myself in the middle of John the other day.

So random, but I found myself loving everything John had to say again.

I'm reading about how ridiculously amazing and sometimes verbally confusing Jesus was.

What an incredible friend.

So weird, to picture God as a friend huh?

The GOD OF THE AGES, seeing a woman weeping, was DEEPLY MOVED HIMSELF.

The point of tears.

A woman's tears actually MOVE the heart of God?

I was so touched seeing the desperation of Mary & Martha, how they still hoped in Him.

The circumstances were screaming hopelessness, yet they believed in this God-Man.

 

I love this dialogue after Lazarus died: 

Jesus said to her, "your brother will rise again."

Martha said to him, "I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day."

 

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.

Do. you. believe. this?"

And Martha, precious precious Martha, just lost her brother Martha, let faith arise; declaring in the face of tragedy:

"Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God..."

 

Imagine, your brother that you love literally JUST died.

There's this man who comes, and you think he's trying to comfort you in the way that people try to comfort the mourning, even today.

"Oh, don't worry, it'll be ok, you'll see your brother again one day."

Hm. Comforting... I guess? Maybe not?

I love Martha's response, I wonder what it sounded like... I wonder what her heart was saying... "yes, Lord, I know the teachings. He will rise on the last day.

But ya know... my pain right now is kind of real. And in case you forgot... you were late.

Jesus, You could've saved his life, but you were too late."

 

And then, after that response, Jesus makes these outrageous claims.

I don't know about you, but I highly doubt that a man making these claims, in the smack-dab middle of my heart-wrenching pain, would bring any more comfort to me.

From what I can understand, Jesus isn't even hinting that Lazarus is coming back to life in THIS world, like, right now. .

He's going into his crazy, confusing speech about who He is and I wonder just how much Martha understood about these claims... "everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die."

 

Then He looks directly at her, and asks a question.

Totally putting her on the spot..... Jesus can be kinda awkward sometimes.

I doubt he was trying to be insensitive, but it just seems like a lot to ask a very, very broken woman in this moment.

It is a lot. In fact, it's absolutely everything.

 

Her faith rises, maybe out of pure desperation, or maybe... in the deepest, deepest promptings of her heart she just knew this was the answer.... she says, or maybe whispers, "yes, Lord. I believe..."

 

Incredible.

So Jesus and Mary and Martha and Lazarus and God change the world and shake the community with the "miracle of miracles."

I've heard this story a million times. Yet, recently, it came alive again.

Then, John keeps writing & we see plot twists.

An adoring woman shows her radical love in a humbling way; perfume & hair.

The hypocrisy of the palm-branched-crowd, worshipping one minute, doubting the next...

Sound familiar?

Jesus literally almost gets stoned alive.

God verbally, audibly, speaks to Jesus. In public. People hear, and think it's an angel or something. Absolutely awe-some.

 

John continues and Jesus continues... making unbelievable claims:

"And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself." (12:32)

"If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him." (12:26)

"I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness." (12:46)

"What I say, therefore, I say as the Father has told me." (12:50b)

 

craziness.

 

THEN.

We get to Chapter 13.

What a build-up huh?

At this point, I think I'm pretty convinced about the divinity & humanity of this man.

Causing riots. Audibly talking to God. Getting adored by perfume and hair. Worshipped with palms. Broken-hearted over a woman's tears. Almost stoned.

Failing to meet expectations - then blowing expectations out of the water by performing a miracle.

Raising His friend from the dead.

 

Jesus, only Jesus.

 

Chapter 13:

"Now, before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.

During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot to betray him, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper."

 

What I read next literally made me weep.

JESUS.

KNOWING that the Father had given all things into his hands....

KNOWING that he had come from God and was going back to God...

KNOWING His hour had come, to die....

 

rose from supper.

 

Then what?

 

What makes sense in my mind would probably involve... violence? Scoffing? "I told-you-so's"? SOME type of incredible display of God's power????

Something like this, maybe...

"Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands... rose from supper and..."

- Wiped out everyone in the room with one word.

- Sent a lightning bolt to kill Satan.

- Scolded every disciple in the room, calling them out for not truly being followers because He knew about the doubt in their hearts.

- Made fun of His friends for their continued ignorance in what was really going on.

- Rolled His eyes and said "see ya later, losers."

- Got frustrated that His disciples, after everything they had seen, STILL were completely clueless.

- Took revenge on the guys who wanted to stone Him a few verses ago.

- Threw the old palm branches at the easily-swayed crowd.

- Wiped out Judas Iscariot, the one that the Devil prepared to betray Him.

 

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks any of those options would be a reasonable course of action for this perfect God-man.

He is not only completely justified in doing any of those things, but it just makes sense to me.

Now you see how I easily could've been one of the disciples. :)

 

After everything, after EVERYTHING He had done in His three years of ministry.

It was the end. The time had come. And He was still surrounded by a table of pathetically clueless people. (Of which, I'm sure if I was there, I would easily identify with each of them).

 

But NOT Jesus.

 

"Now, before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end."

Amazing.

Not only that, though, the story continues...

During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot to betray him, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper."

 

I pray, with all my heart, that the next few verses move your heart in a RADICAL, RADICAL way.

This is the God we serve.

This is the ONE, TRUE LIVING GOD.

This is the God so worthy of worship, so worthy of our lives...

 

JESUS,

KNOWING THAT THE FATHER HAD GIVEN ALL THINGS INTO HIS HANDS...

 

"...rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples' feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him."

 

I can't even write that without crying.

 

I mean, are you kidding me?

 

One of His last big "MOMENTS" on earth...

His chance to make a STATEMENT...

A last chance for a mind-blowing miracle...

A last chance to change people's minds about who He is by showing HIS POWER.....

 

And He washed his followers' feet.

 

GOD.

Washing the feet of doubting sinners.

Washing the feet of His clueless friends.

Washing the feet of the undeserving.

 

THIS, this right here, THIS is the God we serve.

THIS is who God is.

This isn't some made-up fairytale to make us feel good... besides, who would make up a story like this?

THIS IS WHO CALLS US HIS OWN!!

What kind of all-powerful, majestic, ALL-MIGHTY God would do something like this?

 

Jesus.

Only Jesus.

 

I hope this piece of history absolutely demolishes your hard heart today.

To the core.

To the parts that feel unloved, misunderstood, alone or confused.

To the parts that are still trying to prove their worth, trying to find validation in other people.

To the parts that doubt who Jesus is or what Jesus has done.

To the parts that are so consumed by sin that you feel out of control.

 

I am convinced more than ever that Jesus is the answer to every problem, the remedy to every pain, the solution to every complication, the peace to every worry, the calm to every chaos, the hope to every despair, the light to every dark place, the joy to every tragedy, the healing to every broken-heart, the evidence to every doubter, the grace to every sinner, the identity to every orphan, the shore to every storm, the water to every traveler, the rest to every worker, the covering to every shame, the dignity to every humiliation, the truth to every seeker, the worth to every failure, the confidence to every insecurity, the restorer to every mistake, the company to every loneliness, the teacher to every unknown, the transformer to every ugly, the love to every abandoned.

 

Jesus, only Jesus.

Let Him have you today. Every part.

 

 

::Another Come-Back::

Unfortunately, recent seasons of life have allowed myself to let satan win. 

Of course, we have victory in Jesus & he never wins... so the only way that I consider him to "win" in my life are in regards to my thought-life & the lies that I choose to allow myself to listen to (and believe) & run around & make tracks in my mind. 

I let him make tracks that he shouldn't be making in my mind. 

I think when you go through a season like that, and STAY in a season like that, you experience pretty severe defeat, laziness, self-absorption, fear and false humility. 

Tonight I randomly stumbled across a sermon of one of my favorite speakers & it absolutely floored me. 

Husb is away on a trip - a night as a single gal lures with temptations of TV shows and movies and after having a gluttonous fill of those, I mosey'ed my way onto youtube & God's grace met me right there. 

Because He's so awesome like that.

I'm finding myself, despite feeling the heavy weight of this "dry" season (that that term), sensing an occasional strong relief mostly when Jesus becomes, once again, the center. 

To live in a state where you make Jesus the center one day and then continue for the rest of the days to live without the intentional knowledge & re-affirmation of who He is and what He's done, you start to slip. Slipping leads to falling and falling leads to laziness and laziness leads to not wanting to get back up and not wanting to get back up leads to shame and shame leads lies and lies lead to guilt and guilt separates everything. 

I've felt convicted lately, to live more. 

To live from a place that's deeper, richer, solely grounded on and found in Christ alone.

Where discipline becomes less about discipline and more about a heart-sick devotion. 

I love the sound of that and I love that that can really be mine, because He's really who He says He is.

I want that. 

I hate where I'm at now, I'm getting ready to dig up these tracks and shuffle around the paths in my head, hoping for them to fall right where they need to -- at the foot of the Cross. 

Sometimes I have those weird moments in life, in looking over and deeply into what I believe, that whole "what the whaaaaaat?" feeling of what I believe. 

The foot of the Cross? God became man? Man saved us from hell? Hell exists? There's life after death? Jesus resurrected from the dead? satan kills, steals and destroys? You mean fairytales, psychic stuff??? 

It's crazy. Absolutely crazy. 

But when I go through seasons that I've been in - seasons where Jesus is far from my center and lies trump truths & fear becomes a friend - I hit these glimpses of life - surrounded by Him - that leave me ENRICHED and make me come ALIVE in the midst of death and hardened hearts. 

These "fairytales" that some make fun of, literally become my source of LIFE. And are anything but made-up. 

When I allow the love that Jesus has for me to really go DEEP and RESONATE within my heart, it changes stuff. 

It fills empty places. 

It restores broken feelings. 

It heals destructive memories. 

It covers shame. 

It quiets lies. 

It shakes off my DEAD and brings me to LIFE again. 

Choosing to live a life apart from Jesus is terrifying to me. 

Of course, I sometimes unconsciously may do it. 

When actions are called out & words are spoken that you can't take back & instead of a heart of repentance, there's a heart of entitlement. 

The Holy Spirit nudges and of course I'm convicted by I cling to my "dignity."

I stay stay stay in the same place. 

Low low low. 

Slipping, falling, shame. Lies. 

The sermon I heard tonight has, once again, rocked me. 

The speaker, who I love with basically my whole heart, painted a picture of Jesus that leaves us broken, hurting, prideful, vain people undeniably, once again, in awe & pursued. 

That's who He is, that's what He does, this Jesus. 

Peter says in 1 Peter 1:18-19 that we, HIS people, were not redeemed by perishable things like silver or gold, but rather, we were redeemed BY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. 

Again, silly? Awkward? Morbid? 

REVOLUTIONARY to me. 

Nothing but the blood. 

Completely and wholly redeemed. 

Where seasons of life where I feel like I live in a continual place of defeat DO NOT define who I am. 

Where self-help books all seem to fall short in the midst of realizing, again, who Christ is and who you are to Him. 

When the worship song, Man of Sorrows, paints the picture of His love for you and makes you want to curl up in a ball and weep. 

I'm so mumbling right now, on a huge rant, but I'm just so so grateful. 

This continues to be my story. 

I journaled (word?) the other day, and basically started the entry being brutally honest and telling God that I think my relationship with Him is pretty much a roller-coaster and at that point, I'd rather get off the ride than keep going through the loops. 

Up & down. 

Close & far. 

Trust & fear. 

Truth & lies. 

Confidence & shame. 

Season after season. 

I so am dying to be the person who has it all together - the perfect words to say, the innate discipline that literally FULLY DEPENDS on His every word and His thick presence in order to LIVE. 

I am so dying to be the person who doesn't struggle with silly, baby-Christian crap like fear, pride, insecurity, shame, pride. 

I am so dying to LEAVE the things that I lay at the Cross just, there. 

This continues to be my story. 

And as I make a come-back now, in this season, on this night, choosing - (a g a i n) - to surrender what little imagination of control I have to Him and only Him - (a g a i n) - He's there. 

He's ALWAYS there. 

Every faithful. 

Never changing. 

Slow to anger; quick to love. 

QUICK. TO. LOVE 

And it's in these "coming-backs" that I am reminded, once again and in complete conviction, that Jesus and His word is the very opposite of fairytales. 

It has little to do with being pretty and perfect and in la-la land and head over heels in love with a perfect, mess-up-free happy ending into the sunset. 

No. 

Jesus is real. 

A Man who died. Who came BACK TO LIFE after DYING. 

Who DID IT, because He loves loves loves us. 

More than Mr. Darcy loves Elizabeth. 

More than anybody has ever loved anybody. 

Tonight I'm coming back and choosing to believe that. 

Over every other lie. 

Making Him the center, rather than fooling myself into thinking that anything else even COULD be the center. 

Jesus at the center. 

satan, don't mess with me. 

Jesus at the center. 

A rock I can stand on. 

We're making a come-back, folks. 

And that's so, SO ok with Him. And with me. 

::The Courtroom::

'"Jesus spoke of the Holy Spirit primarily as the "Spirit of Truth" who will "remind you of everything I have said to you" (John 14:17, 26). 

The Holy Spirit "will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you" (John 16:14). What does this mean? 

'"Make Known" translates a Greek work meaning a momentous announcement that rivets attention. The Holy Spirit's task, then, is to unfold the meaning of Jesus's person and work to believers in such a way that the glory of it - its infinite importance and beauty - is brought home to the mind and heart. 

This is why earlier in the letter to the Ephesians, Paul can pray that the "eyes of your heart be enlightened (1:18), that they might have power. . . to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. . . " (3:17-18). 

The Holy Spirit's ministry is to take truths about Jesus and make them clear to our minds and real to our hearts - so real that they console and empower and change us at our very center." 

- Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage.

Today I had the unique experience of reading this section of this incredible book... while sitting in a courtroom waiting for the judge to appear. 

This is a first for me, this whole courtroom experience.

There were about 25-30 other people sitting in the very very small courtroom. Many shady looking. Some completely ticked off to be there. Some acting a little weird. Some looking totally guilty. 

Either way, I was among these people & felt very nervous/curious to see what it would be like...

My rock-star husband, being the kind soul that he is (and also feeling kinda guilty that the reason I got a ticket in the first place is kinda sorta big time his fault) decided to show up around 10:30 and wait with me. 

We both assumed going into this that this was traffic court.

I guess I didn't know what to expect either way, so I just figured everyone else there was there because they also got a ticket by a lame-o SF dude. 

As soon as the Judge entered, though, we quickly realized that this was a taaaad bit different. 

Bill & I were sitting in the front row, only about 3 feet away from the Prosecutor, Defense & Defendant, and maybe 15 feet away from the Judge who was directly facing us.

Front row seats to this stuff, in a tiny courtroom, can get intense.

The Prosecutor's began calling the cases, and the Judge apparently recognized the first defendant who came up. 

The Prosecutor introduced the case to the Judge and then the Defense was given their chance to further explain excuses in detail to calm the Judge. 

However.... the Judge was not having it with this dude.

A repeat offender, this guy was in there AGAIN, because he had apparently failed a drug test, AGAIN, and the Judge was fed up. And literally uttered these words out of his mouth: 

"You are a FAILURE of a human being." 

"I don't have time to waste on people like you. With people like you, I throw my hands up and say 'I give up.' You've had so many opportunities and failed them all." 

"You claim you've found 'religion' now, but at this point I think that's all that is going to help you."

"The question isn't IF I will send you to jail, the question is WHEN I will send you to jail, because you are definitely going." 

Getting a front row seat to this, and the many other's after him who were apparently in DISTRICT COURT with me, literally overwhelmed me with emotion. 

I'm sitting there, crying, because I'm seeing something so crazy.... and for maybe the first time in a while, the words that I read in Tim Keller's book just 30 minutes before the trial started, is happening to me. 

"A MOMENTOUS EVENT THAT RIVETS MY ATTENTION:"

I see the Judge. 

- Harsh, but overall pretty good. 

- Tired, perhaps, of the endless excuses of lame lives he has to hear. 

- Just. Showing mercy when he can but clearly explaining consequences of people's actions. 

I see the Prosecutor. 

- The guy who introduces the problem in the first place. 

- The first one to speak, the one to highlight the many faults of the Defendant. 

- The one who makes a suggestion to the Judge of what the earned/deserving consequences should be. 

I see the Defendant. 

- Each with a different story, each having to make a plea on their behalf. 

- Completely submissive, only able to speak when asked a question. 

- The one's that were previously vocally TICKED to be there, were now "straight laced," being submissive & very respectful of the old Judge who silently demanded it. 

- In each case, the Defendant was guilty.

- In all 20 cases that I saw, (Yes, I was there for 2 hours before they called my case up), EACH DEFENDANT looked, so, so lame. (myself included.) 

At least personally, I was embarrassed to be there. 

AND I was embarrassed to have to discuss my case, openly, before a room full of people. 

My case wasn't even "the worst ever", I mean it ultimately ended up getting dismissed.
But what happened to me this morning, and the emotions I felt, & the reality that I saw, were so real and so clear. It literally overwhelmed me.

While sitting in that front row with my husband, I heard the stories of drug addicts, alcoholics, and many repeat offenders who were there due to having been issued warrants for their arrests.

Some men got re-issued back into rehab. 

One woman got her license revoked for 60 days. 

One woman had just failed a drug test.

One man ALMOST got his case dismissed, except the chip on his shoulder caused him to open his mouth & inform the judge that he had charged the cop for harassment. The Judge didn't take that too well.

Many people there were put on probation until their next court day in July. 

One dad was there in lieu of his daughter & her friend... who were taking finals to graduate HS next week.

Many people were there for a/many DUI/DWI charges.

One man was given a fine of over $1500, three months in jail, and 2 years probation. His wife was wiping tears off her face as she watched him from the front row. 

Every person there, even if they entered the court room with a good excuse or an air of entitlement, sluggishly made their way to stand in front of the Judge with their tail between their legs in embarrassment. 

Myself included, regardless of the outcome.

Many people issued apologies, making promises to never do that again. 

Some people stayed silent, and it was their right. 

What happened in that courtroom today, something I literally got a front-row seat and witnessed, made me have to hold back what would've been sobs if I had been in my bedroom by myself.

I'm sure many people may have made this connection in some way before, but personally, the Holy Spirit MADE KNOWN to me, in a way I've honestly never seen before, who JESUS is. 

And I see the Defense.

This, today, with the good guys and the bad guys & the guilty & the charges & the mistakes & the messiness & the broken lives & the addiction... all having to pay-up for what happened.... THIS is perhaps a TINY mirror of what life may be like on Judgement day. 

I see the Judge. 

- "God is a righteous Judge..." - Psalms 7:11

- "Compassionate & gracious... slow to anger & abounding in Love." - Psalms 103:8

I see the Prosecutor. 

- Satan is called "the accuser of our brothers... who accuses night & day... - Rev. 12:10

- Wanders like "roaring lion... looking for someone to devour" - 1 Peter 5:8

- A liar & the father of lies... - John 8:44

I see the Defendant. 

- "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." - Romans 3:23

- "For the wages of sin is death..." - Romans 6:23

- We are "dead in our trespasses and sins." - Ephesians 2:1

The Defense that I saw, that is, a lawyer who was very respectfully making a case on the behalf of the guilty man/woman who was standing beside them, made me cry. 

One day, perhaps very soon in fact, I'm going to be in a place like this, AGAIN. 

Satan, THE ACCUSER, is going to be sitting there, making his case against me... maybe like this:

"Jocelyn told a lie on this day, this day, this day..."

"She gossiped about this person, this person, this person..." 

"Her pride - oh, Judge, her pride! Judge, Jocelyn's pride kept her from loving this person.... this person... her pride slapped you in the face on this day, and this day..." 

"She did this, and this..."

"She made a promise to do this and failed, AGAIN..." 

"She was disrespectful to her husband here, and on this day, and here..." 

"You gave her a second and third chance, and she apologized but obviously had no heart change & was a repeat offender of that sin..." 

"If you look closely, she professed to carry Your Name but didn't love people..." 

Satan's list, is going to be there. And it's going to be long. 

I'm sitting there, hearing "THE LIST" of charges against these poor, beautiful, broken people. 

Some are addicts, some first-time offenders. All sad to be there. All perhaps wishing they could do something different & choose a different path.
All having to stand before a Judge and answer to their actions. 

And all there with a lawyer representing them, fighting for them, DEFENDING THEM against the accuser. 

I don't think I've ever loved Jesus more than I do today. 

Satan, the one who loves to STEAL, KILL AND DESTROY lives, who brings temptations into people's lives and lies about their worth and gets them entangled in messes like addiction, pride, gossip and failure.... hIM, hE has the audacity to be the prosecutor on that day. he will accuse us day & night for all our sins, many of which hE had a huge part to play in. 

So he's there. Building a case. A freakin' good case. 

Bringing up points & accusations that we have no choice but to plead "guilty" for. 

And he'll close his argument for our lives by saying,
"Judge, here are the charges brought against Jocelyn. 

And, as you well know, the cost of these terrible, unfathomable, betraying sins, is ETERNAL DEATH." 

And God, a good Judge, a righteous Judge, knows that. 

He is perfect, He is love, and He "is light, and in Him is no darkness at all" (1 John 1:5a). 

And there we stand, completely and disgustingly guilty, with our heads hanging down and our tails between our legs. 

Ashamed. Embarrassed. Broken. Humiliated. Pathetic. Angry. Guilty. Ugly.

Waiting to hear what the verdict of our eternity will be. 

KNOWING the verdict we deserve, based on the sins that Satan just proclaimed to the masses.

The Judge is about to speak, giving a just sentence, and suddenly.... Jesus chimes in. 

"Your honor, I actually already paid this sentence. 

The one of eternal death and separation from You. 

I did it on the Cross; My blood covers their sin. 

I took their punishment so that they can now stand before You, blameless and without sin. 

Everything Satan just accused them of, is already forgiven, because of my death. 

They called on me, I saved them, so You can dismiss this case." 

JESUS IS OUR ONLY DEFENSE. 

Mercy -that is, JESUS - DOES triumph over judgment. 

I don't think I've ever truly realized the weight of this future-day more than I do right now. 

Maybe it was because I got a front-row view of the heavy burden that can fall on people who make poor decisions & have their lives in the hands of a judge. (Like all of us.)

Maybe it's because I was expecting a little, unimportant traffic court instead of district court. 

Maybe it's because I've never had to witness in person, a person plea for an easier consequence than the one they deserve. 

Maybe it's because I heard the Judge call a young man, a "FAILURE of a human." 

Maybe it's because I never fully calculated the WEIGHT of a TRIAL day... I was in there for a traffic ticket, I didn't even need a lawyer & thankfully, my case was dismissed in the first few minutes of me standing up there. Easy. 

But for others... their loads were heavier. Their prices were steeper. Their spouses were crying & their lives were literally about to be changed. 

And I'm NO DIFFERENT than them. 

And neither are you. 

And maybe we won't realize this truth until we are standing before a perfect, good, JUST Judge, having all our dirty laundry & serious sin-issues aired out by the one person in the world who has tried EVERY SINGLE DAY to destroy our lives. 

Suddenly, on that day, I don't think it will matter much if I've told a "white lie" or killed somebody. 

"The wages of sin is death." 

Murder or pride... the consequences, on that day, are the same. 

Death.

But thankfully, I don't have to be standing up there alone. 

I don't have to be pleading not-guilty.

I get to be up there with the Prince of Peace. 

The Judge's SON. 

Who already knows my list of sins. 

Many of which are PERSONAL sins, AGAINST HIM & HIS SPIRIT. 

And because I believe He is my Lord & Savior.... no amount of sin can separate me from eternity with Him. 

And He speaks. 

And Satan's arguments & accusations against me are silenced forever. 

And Jesus wins. 

And truly, all authority, EVERY victory, is His. 

"The Holy Spirit's task, then, is to unfold the meaning of Jesus's person and work to believers in such a way that the glory of it - its infinite importance and beauty - is brought home to the mind and heart. 

This is why earlier in the letter to the Ephesians, Paul can pray that the "eyes of your heart be enlightened (1:18), that they might have power. . . to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. . . " (3:17-18). 

The Holy Spirit's ministry is to take truths about Jesus and make them clear to our minds and real to our hearts - so real that they console and empower and change us at our very center." 

^^^

He did that for me today. 

The Holy Spirit took the truth of who JESUS IS, and made it clear to my mind & real to my heart. 

I'm not even kidding. 

I left that courtroom & got into my car & cried. Bill can attest to that.

I could not believe the perfect, CLEAR picture that had just been revealed to me sitting in that courtroom. 

I wish I could write in such a way that would accurately depict the PROFOUND ENLIGHTENING REVELATION I had today in a way that could turn your world upside down like it has mine. 

I know this concept of Judgement day & Jesus defending us against Satan the accuser isn't "news" to any born&raised Christians like me. 

But Y'all.... the LOVE. OF. CHRIST. IS. SO. VERY. WIDE. AND. LONG. AND. DEEP. 

He is not just our Savior. 

He is our DEFENSE. 

When Jesus says in Matthew 28:20... "be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age..." 

He maybe meant on THAT DAY! 

THAT JUDGEMENT DAY - THE END OF THE AGE!

And arguably the worst day of our life. 

On THAT DAY...

We can be SURE OF THIS: 

He is ALWAYS WITH US! 

To the end of the age! 

When the accuser makes his case against us! 

When the reality of our SIN becomes something we can finally truly see! 

When we realize how incredibly filthy, desperate, undeserving we really are! 

TO THE END OF THE AGE! 

Jesus is with us. 

Our Savior. 

Our Peace. 

Our Light. 

Our Truth. 

Our Way. 

Our Deliverer.

Our Life. 

Our Rock.

Our Guide. 

Our Protector. 

Our Healer. 

Our ONLY Hope.

Our Redeemer. 

Our DEFENSE! 

To the end of the age. 

Be sure of this. 

He is with us. 

I'm processing this out-loud with Bill, and in true Holy Spirit fashion, a song comes on the radio that now has a deeper meaning for me. It kind of "sealed the deal" for me & the revelations I had today in many ways. 

So incredibly grateful that this song is TRUE; every word. 

Grace, what have You done?

Murdered for me on that cross.

Accused, in absence of wrong.

My sin washed away in Your blood!

Too much to make sense of it all...

I know that Your love breaks my fall

The scandal of grace, You died in my place

so my soul will live!

Oh, to be like You!

Give all I have just to know You!

Jesus, there's no one besides You!

Forever the hope in my heart

Death, where is your sting?

Your power is as dead as my sin!

The cross has taught me to live,

and mercy, my heart now to sing...

The day and its trouble shall come.

I know that Your strength is enough.

The scandal of grace, You died in my place...

So my soul will live!

And it's ALL because of YOU, JESUS!

It's ALL because of You, 

that my soul will live!  

It's truth.
It's life & death.
And as a side note.... if you don't know Jesus, you really should.
Because when THAT DAY comes, you are NOT going to want to be standing alone with NO DEFENSE in the face of the accuser.
I know that sounds so "close-minded & intolerant & bigot-ish & foolish".... but I'm serious.
And beyond that, beyond Jesus just being "a Defense..."
He is LIFE.
And LIFE IN HIM is BETTER than any LIFE you could be living now.
I know this to be completely true.
I'm not lying.
And I hope you believe me.
Because the Scandal of Grace, this AMAZING GRACE - happened FOR YOU!
And, at the end of the age, the ONLY PERSON you're going to want standing beside you, is Jesus.
Sweet Jesus. :)