A Changed Heart:::

WELP. This isn't the easiest blogpost I've ever written. Nevertheless, it's happening.
If you don't want to find out too much stuff about me (ugly or otherwise), then stop here.
Otherwise... leggo.

Today was SO awesome. TheSend Conference in Orlando, FL happened, where 60,000 people hungry for the Lord came together for 12 hours of worship and prayer. I wanted SO badly to be there but, life. However, they provided a livestream of the FULL event and I have to say that of the 12 hours, I was able to sit and watch probably 8-9 hours of it (Thanks to the worlds best husband who knew I wanted to be there SO badly and took care of most things so I could watch it!) And... wow.

Just wow. It was fire. It was so inspiring and it was a HUGE blessing to be able to engage in prophetic words and join in prayer with some of today's incredible heroes of the faith, like Bill Johnson, Todd White, Daniel Kolenda, Andy Byrd, Loren Cunningham... PHEW. It was rich and Holy Spirit was PRESENT, even in the living room where my sister and I watched! Brought me back to my YWAM days and it was amazing. I felt so challenged and so REFRESHED.
However, throughout the day, the Lord spoke and confirmed some things to me that I wanted to process a bit... so here we are. :)

Before I dive into what He told me, I'm going to rewind a bit to the place I've been the last few months.

I've never been much of a "self-help" person. Yes, personality tests and the overall psychology of the human species really interests me... however, the concepts like, "think happy thoughts" or "wake up and tell yourself one positive affirmation", etc... never really stuck with me. In fact, I found them somewhat annoying, haha!

For whatever reason, the "change your thoughts change your world" mantra in the specific area of self-help never went down deep or impacted me in any way. Although certainly Biblical, I mostly saw this concept immersed in the secular world of bettering yourself, and I think that's mainly why I never cared to take the dive.

However... Holy Spirit recently started to open my eyes to the importance of it all... and it totally caught me off guard! He showed me how... the reality is, I actually AM talking to myself in this way... whether it's positive or negative.
And the more I started to pay attention to what I was saying, the more I realized that my default was NEGATIVE. And it wasn't ok.

That epiphany (slowly) launched me into the "self-help" journey a little bit... although, it was less for "self-help" and more for self-awareness.
I wanted to pay attention to what I was saying to myself.
I wanted to be aware of the way I was being hyper-critical, mean, judgmental, proud, or insecure about myself, and TO myself.
I wanted to leave behind the autopilot thoughts that ruled the day and start thinking with intentionality, positivity, and most of all, TRUTH.
I needed to start thinking with the Truth about who I was, WHO'S I was, and what HE said I was.

So the more I started paying attention the more I started seeing.
There was so much about myself that I didn't like!
There were so many things I wanted to change.
I hated the majority of my reactions to things, that made me mad, scared, jealous or sad.
There was little fruit of the person I truly wanted to be, and TONS of fruit of behavior that I didn't want rooted in my life.
So, I started identifying these things... and so began my self-awareness.
Even though it isn't fun to do this AT ALLLLL... I'm going to list a few things I wanted to change, because hey... I love you, you love me, HE loves us all, and what are we if not real with each other? So here it goes.

- I'm a fearful person. I tend to prepare for the worst as self-protection, and I can certainly dwell on scary scenarios. I'm fearful of something happening to my family. I'm fearful of things I can't control. I'm scared to death of something happening to my kids. My thoughts wander to these scenarios more often than I like, and I hate that I let fear rule so much of my decisions and rob so much of my peace.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, make me a person who completely trusts You."

- I'm a prideful person. Growing up, I identified more with the Pharisees or the older brother of the Prodigal son than the stereotypical "sinners" that a lot of people feel like they are, and the more I became aware of myself, the more I saw it. My default is to be prideful. My "confidence" is a thin veil over my pride. Pride is the ugliest and scariest root. And if we're going to get something out, we first need to be able to be honest and identify what it is. And I want it OUT.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, show me how to be a humble person."

- I'm lazy with relationships. I want to always be intentional, and overall I love showing my love through giving gifts (hello love language!), but it often requires time or money or effort that sometimes... if I'm painfully honest... I don't feel like sacrificing. In tough seasons especially, I find myself making every excuse in the book to not connect (which can be VERY easy to do with two kids!), and don't always enjoy putting forth effort to know someone or be known. I settle for the trendy idea that "making friends as an adult is hard," and am almost always tempted to stop there.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, make me a better friend who pursues at any cost."

- I'm insecure about the way I look. I will poke and prod and highlight my flaws without even thinking twice about what I'm saying to myself. Not in an overly obvious way, but once I started paying attention to my thoughts, I realized that the standard I hold myself to is perfection and I'm incredibly hyper-critical with myself. I will compare myself to others around me and always fall short. There are so many things about my face and body that I hate, and although I can mask this insecurity well, it's definitely taken up a spot in my heart and affects the way I feel about myself. And if I'm supposed to be loving my neighbor like I love myself then... they're in trouble.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, help me to love myself and see myself the way You do."

- I'm easily overwhelmed as a parent. Not always... but sometimes, especially when scary things or hospital visits arrive, I tend to fall apart. And sometimes, when the whining is endless or the baby is going through a clingy/crying/cranky phase, I can lose my patience and snap at my kids. *Gasp*. It's true. And it sucks. I HATE that about myself and as a mother, it's probably what ushers in the most mom-guilt that I'm realizing is all too common but should be fought against with everything in us.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, give me the grace to parent with endless patience."

- I'm apathetic in my relationship with God. Regardless of the time, history, or connection we have (or don't have...), lately especially, I've felt so apathetic in my connection with Him. I don't pay the price to know Him the way I want to. I would never admit this outloud, but if I stepped back and seriously took a look at my life, I would say that I've counted the cost and found it not worth it. Which sounds terrible to say, but we're being real here right? If we're being real, then that's the way I live my life now. I put other things first, above Him, almost every time. And I hate it.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, make me hunger for more of You, no matter the cost."


These are just a few of the ugly things that, in my journey of self-awareness, have really come into the spotlight of my attention and things I have been really STRIVING TO FIX, MYSELF.

I've been TRYING to be more fearless. I've been TRYING to be more humble. I've been TRYING to be a better friend, to love myself or speak positive truth about myself. I've been TRYING to practice patience with Jolie and Trey (you'd think I'd be amazing at it by now with all the practice I get!) :). TRYING to be more intentional about seeking His face. TRYING to trust Him more, with more.

So much striving. So much about myself that I want to change! I want to be a different person. Not just a BETTER person, but a DIFFERENT person. Fully transformed.
Not behavior modification, but total heart transformation.
I want to be a woman who has these changes spring up from the overflow of my heart, not from some stiff-armed forceful grip of striving to make them happen.

This is where I've been for a few months... in a place of really wanting God to TRANSFORM my heart... to come in, set up shop, and help me tear down these negative things about myself and change me into these things... humble, loving, patient, hungry for You, fully trusting. Filled with His peace. Overflowing with His love. With a default that seeks Him continually and loves others fully.

And then today, He spoke to me about these things that I've wanted to change about myself.
And it wrecked me.
He said,

"Jo, everything you want to be, 

is on the other side of intimacy with Me."

....

Mind and heart simultaneously explode.
How loving is He to show me this today?
How loving is He to remind me of this, in the midst of my striving?

That instead of working hard to make sure my responses and reactions are humble... or that I put the effort to send the text or make the phone call to work on being a better friend... or I stand in front of the mirror and say 3 things I like about my body... or I work hard to have better reactions or responses to Jolie and Trey... or I try hard to sit down and read my Bible without heart engagement... or I try to give myself a pep-talk when I'm faced with a scary situation...
instead of doing ALL. THAT. WORK. to change myself into the person I want to be...

He gently beckons me.
Come to Him. 
Give Him my time, my worries, my fears, my heart.
Let HIM DO THE WORK.
Stop TRYING to be more humble, or thoughtful, or confident, or patient, or intentional, or brave.
Stop TRYING TO DO WHAT ONLY HE CAN DO.
Sure... I can work really hard on my responses. I can stiff-arm myself into having the right reactions.
But what I'm looking for is something deeper, something total, something permanent, and something ONLY HE CAN DO.

And the way I get there, is in the time I spend with Him. 

Everything I want to be is on the other side of intimacy with Jesus. 

Every heart change I desire to have is on the other side of knowing Him.
Every soul transformation I want to obtain is on the other side of being with Him.
Every personality trait I want adjusted is on the other side of spending time with Him.
Every ugly fruit I want uprooted is on the other side of loving Him.
Every nasty reaction I want to overcome is on the other side of sitting with Him.

ALL THE THINGS I WANT CHANGED ABOUT MYSELF, CAN ONLY BE CHANGED TO THE DEGREE THAT I GIVE HIM MY HEART, SEEK HIS FACE AND GIVE HIM MY EVERYTHING.

Want to be more humble? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to be a better friend? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to learn how to love yourself? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to be a better mom? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to be a better wife? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to love others fully? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to have an insatiable hunger for Jesus? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to learn how to fight fear with faith? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to learn how to fully trust a good God? Get alone with Jesus.

You see, I've been trying to superficially change my heart these last few months, but it's been only that... superficial.
The world isn't looking for something skin-deep, they are looking for something that goes all the way through.
And a heart, fully transformed into the likeness of His Son, is only obtained through spending TIME with HIS SON. 

Instead of trying to change yourself - your personality, your reactions, your bad habits, the things that scare you, the way you parent, the things you run to in stress - prioritize intimacy with Jesus above all else.
We become what we worship.
We become what we worship.
We become what we worship.
So, get alone with Him.
Worship Him... no matter the cost... stop trying to change yourself... seek His face, every day, and watch and see what He will do with your messy, broken, repentant, beautiful heart.

Trey's Story:::

So time is flying and my newborn baby has quickly morphed into a three month old!!! Boyyyy has it been a journey. This "fourth trimester" has looked absolutely nothing like it did for my baby girl, and I must say it's been more emotionally challenging (see: many momma tears...) for a lot of reasons... most of which were health reasons that were completely out of my control.

To recap, mainly so I don't forget...

Trey was born 9lbs 10oz, lost a whole pound (sad) within two days of being born due to tongue tie/nursing issues... was 8lbs 9oz at 3 days old. I didn't think I was going to be able to nurse him because he wasn't sucking properly!! :( So after excruciating pain and a very hard decision to stop nursing, I exclusively pumped for the first month of his life until our insurance kicked in that helped cover his lip/tongue tie laser surgery... which was an emotionally difficult decision to make in itself.

Prayers and tears.

THEN.

After a month of having very strange wheezing-like breathing noises while he ate, which we later learned was a noise called "Stridor," we received news from the ENT that he was diagnosed with something called Laryncomalagia... aka he had a floppy larynx/breathing defect that some newborns have "and should grow out of by 18 months old." I was instructed to closely monitor his breathing and report back if he ever had blue spells (skin turned blue around his mouth), white face/lips/hands/feet, or any other sign of breathing difficulty. The diagnosis was supposed to be worse between 3-4 months before it got better, so he said to keep a close eye.

A week passed and he was good... still with stridor, but otherwise normal. Then... I noticed the first blue spell. And then the next and the next. Then I woke up to the sound of my baby boy gasping for air/choking for air in his sleep, a few times every night. It was torturous to hear.

I emailed the Dr. who said he was very concerned and instructed me to come in right away. During the appointment the ENT decided he wanted to get the cardiologist involved. Which, also sucks to hear.
So decisions were made and tests were started and we blue spells were still happening and one very scary passing out/couldn't wake up episode happened on a Tuesday afternoon and I hated pretty much every second of it.
I was terrified of letting him sleep... naps or otherwise. I was terrified of SIDS, of him just stopping breathing in the middle of the night. I was terrified of him losing oxygen to his brain for too long and having brain damage. ALLLLL the things. All the things. The deepest feeling I felt: terror. It was a crappy few weeks.

So he wore an EKG monitor on his back for a week (which made car-seat rides mega fun!) in order to record his heart rhythms and see if there were any irregularities. He got that removed and swapped it out for an O2 monitor. On the first day of wearing his O2 monitor, it dipped to 72 while he was perfectly still sleeping during a nap, and we were instructed to take him immediately to the ER.

Prayers and tears.


Smack dab in the middle of all this craziness... God was up to something. Our new church home has  been in a sermon series called "Facing the Giants: Stories of real people overcoming real obstacles."
It's about facing the giants in our lives (eg: a tough situation, a bad relationship, a difficult temptation or struggle, ourselves and our fears, etc.) and what to do with them.

Throughout the majority of the series (that had been going on for even before Trey was born), I felt like there wasn't one blatantly obvious "giant" that I was facing in my life. We heard testimonies of people who were going through the RINGER and who were really impacted by this series... but I remember just feeling like it wasn't necessarily "the series for me."
All great info, fantastic reminders, beautiful truth... stuff that I'm sure I'd need to go back and tap into some day..... a day far, far away... but no giants were needing to be slain. At least not at that point. Stainbacks are good.

Then crap hit the fan. With Doctors visits and Hospital visits and ER visits and zero answers.

The Stainbacks were no longer good.

Suddenly. quite literally out of nowhere, I was faced with this huge ugly unexpected giant, and it clouded my view. It taunted me relentlessly. It fed my fears through playing the "worst case what-if" scenarios in my imagination. My thoughts felt out of control, my emotions felt out of control and my fears felt out of control

I prayed through tears almost before every nap/bed time, asking the Lord to sustain His breath while he slept.

I prayed through tears while he was awake and had another blue spell, praying for wholeness and health in his body and brain.

I prayed through tears while he nursed and made the wheezing sound, asking for God to heal his airway.

I prayed through tears every time we drove in the car and he slept in the carseat, that the angle of his cute chubby neck wouldn't make it more difficult for him to breathe.

I prayed through tears that his heart wasn't working too hard during his crying episodes where his chest and lungs had visible retraction.

I'm sure many many others can relate on an even more extreme level (to which, my heart entirely goes out to you!)... that it's one thing for something crappy to happen to YOU, but when it happens to your kid... its literally the worst. A new level of helpless. A new level of heartache. And this was new ground for me, a new situation to maneuver and I was terrified. This giant was all I saw... thought about... researched... look at.

It was in my way- in my face- and totally blocked my view of the SON.

But, He wasn't far away. He never is.

On October 21st, smack dab in the middle of the giant view... we got to dedicate Trey to Jesus. The Son. Dedicating our son to His son.

It was awesome for so many reasons... it's so awesome to be able to dedicate our children to the Lord. To be able to INTENTIONALLY stand up before your church family and say, "we intend, as parents, to raise our child to know and trust Jesus. We will intentionally speak about the Lord to them. We will teach them the ways of God. We won't just accidentally raise them, but we make it our mission to dedicate this child to God and commit, for the rest of their days, to walk with God ourselves and lead them to do the same."

How cool is that? What an honor as parents. What a joy. I love this part and this very heavy responsibility of parenting. I love that God is co-laboring with us and actually INCLUDES us in HIS shaping and nurturing and growing and loving these kiddos. We're a part of the plan, a bigger part than we probably deserve... but He includes us nonetheless. To hugely impact another SOUL. Wow. What a privilege.

Another reason why it was so awesome to dedicate Trey was because we did it in our new church, with our new church Ohana. On this particular day, our pastor (who we love) preached an awesome sermon that hit my heart so unexpectedly. Looking back, it was perfectly timed and perfectly needed for where we were, what we had been through, and what we were going to go through just 4 days later with the ER visit. (God's timing is always perfect!)

To summarize, he discussed the importance of worshipping, and most importantly the importance of worshipping before, during, and after the battle. Of course I've heard this before... I'm a worship leader, have grown up in churches that love to worship God and have been captured by all things having to do with worship. It's important to me. And I've heard this before. I've heard the story of the worshippers leading the troops into battle... blasting their sound, and the Lord using that to defeat the enemy.

Worship is a tool. Worship is a weapon. Worship reminds us of who we are and who HE is.

And no matter what, I will always choose to worship in the face of the giant. I will proclaim truth, and I will fight for truth for my kids. Yielding my weapon that is a melody in the face of fear or uncertainty. Thank You Jesus for leaving us with this hope we have in You.

Craving the NEW:::

Sitting here, almost a YEAR since my last post (how lame sauce is that!) and I'm just amazed at, you know, the speed of time. I feel like all I did was blink. I blinked and our baby girl went from crawling to walking to running. I blinked and we moved from NJ, after 5 beautiful amazing years, to an island in the middle of the Pacific that I always dreamed I would call home. I blinked and our daughter turned two, 2 weeks before we welcomed our beautiful SON into the world. That's three blinks, if I'm counting right...

I blinked and life is just passing by and I can't say I'm stoked about that. All of it, just a vapor. There are (hard) days that I can't wait to end, but most of the time the overwhelming feeling I have is wishing I could STOP AND SAVOR the time.

I wish I could bottle up this season, where my beautiful girl is in full-on blossom mode... bursting with new words, in love with people and in LOVE with her baby brother. Pushing boundaries, testing patience and in full-on toddler mode! 

I wish I could bottle up this season, of teeny newborn snuggles, because in 7 weeks he has already gained almost 5lbs... and he was almost 10lbs to begin with! Our boy is so big and snuggly and precious and truly, there is something special about boys because I've felt absolutely SMITTEN with him since his rapid arrival at the end of July... SEVEN WEEKS AGO!

What in the world. 

These weeks have been an absolute blur if I'm honest. For the most part, we've had our house full of beloved friends and family since MAY, and it's been such a huge blessing because the people we saw got to host were some of our favorite people on the planet!!! Waddling around the island at 9 months pregnant with some of our best friends was a memory I will treasure forever.

Then, for these first 6 weeks of baby boy's life, we've had our parents come and help carry the load which has also been a tremendous blessing. We are spoiled rotten and loved so well and even when the imperfect days can be difficult, I know better than to not thank Jesus for the blessing of incredible people we call framily because I know not everyone has parents who love them enough to drop everything and come out to change diapers, fold laundry, cook meals and spoil your toddler for 6-8 weeks! A tangible love. A precious love. The unconditional love of FAMILY. Not perfect, not stress-free, not always easy, but so full of love. And I'm so thankful for it. 

But here I am... on technically day 3 of running this show (circus?) on my own... all our family help is gone and here I am... with two babies napping (hurray for miracles!)... listening to Desperation Band's "SOAK" on repeat... and I guess why I'm writing is because I'd like to (and NEED TO!) process and share a few of the things I'm currently craving in this season. 

In the season of a newborn and a toddler, there isn't much time for... anything? Much less time to sit and just... think. Whatever down time I have, the last thing I want to do is sit in stillness and meditate and do nothing. The rarity of down time is usually full because there is a house to clean and laundry to fold and if nothing else, NAPS to be taken because Lord knows this lack of sleep thing ain't my cup o' tea. And to be fair, the phone and all the social things on it serve as a welcome distraction from my wifely duties on a regular basis. 

But if I quiet my heart long enough to listen to it, I know I'm craving something. A lot of things. But the thing I think I'm craving most... above extra time and extra arms and extra sleep and an extra cook... is intentional stillness. I'm craving the sweet silence and the waiting. Because, I know that He's in the waiting. He's longing to be found by me and I'm craving that time with Him. And if I'm REALLY honest, like... brutal mom honest... sometimes, I crave the desire to crave that time with Him. 

Does that make sense? Sometimes, I WANT to WANT to be with Him. 

In fact, I think I've been in that place a whole lot this year. I find myself in survival mode and then set myself on autopilot and for me, autopilot = NUMB.
Numb to Him, numb to the condition of my heart, numb to everything besides keeping my child(s) alive, trying to make my husband happy and trying to cook a dinner or do something like that during the week. :)

Numb, yet charging forward every day. 

Numb, yet full throttle in every other area of my life... wearing all the hats, correcting all the bad toddler behaviors and nursing the baby all the hours of the day (it feels like). 

Numb... yet life hasn't paused. So I'm living the continual life, in NUMB.

Numb does not equal STILL. Numb does not equal REST. Numb does not equal SATISFACTION. And numb NEVER ends up being a good thing for me. But here we are, in the cycle of full throttle numb survival autopilot mode aka the season of the newborn and 2 year old. And I think if you fly on autopilot long enough, eventually you'll crash and burn, SOMEWHERE. 

And right now as I'm juggling the babies and new roles and schedules and chores and priorities, I've found that I'm NUMB and when I'm NUMB I do NOT fight for my heart. I do NOT live with intentionality (that should be a word.) every day of pursuing stillness, loving myself, tending to the garden of my heart and being in the waiting and seeking Him THERE. And I'm craving that, all of that, so dearly. And I'm convinced that something needs to change before it crashes and burns. 

And I KNOW this... ugh, I know all of this, and maybe you know this? Maybe you've been there, or are there? How do we do it as moms? How do we tend to the well of our hearts so intentionally and dearly, while the demands of everything we do require us to withdraw from the well continually? Pour pour pour, with no fill? How can we keep giving something we don't have? How can we prioritize being kind to ourselves and loving ourselves when we are constantly face to face with feelings of failure or unworthiness... failure as a mom, house-cleaner, wife, or friend? How do we keep the important things the important things? How do we fight for intentionality (I'm making it a word.) in the way we live, love, manage our time and household? How do we transfer from survival/autopilot mode to Jesus mode? 

I'm no expert, and honestly I'm still wondering how. I've rarely seen this "dance of balance" done well, however I think when I pay attention to what I'm deeply craving, there is truth in it. I'm craving the awakening in the waiting. Seeking the holy in the mundane moments of motherhood.

The worthy fight is the fight for my heart. The fight against survival mode, the fight against numbness and apathy. The fight against letting life speed on by without grabbing hold of Him in the every day. And I think part of the fight is found in the discipline of surrendering to the stillness.

Fighting for my heart happens, for me, in:

- Discipline. 

- Surrender. 

- Making space. 

A few months ago, the Lord spoke to me through a beautiful song called "New Wine" written and sung by my favorite favorite favorite, Brooke Fraser. The first time I heard the bridge, I basically broke down because I knew He was speaking to me. 

"Where there is new wine 

there is new power!

There is new freedom, and the Kingdom is here. 

I lay down my old flames to carry Your new fire today."

For the majority of my walk with Christ, I've been able to "feel", "access", "tap into", HIM through a lot of the same ol' ways. Regardless what life looked like... a solid worship set in my car brought me to tears and straight to His feet again. Reading a verse or two once or twice a week awakened my heart to Him again. Listening to a sermon a couple times a week made me feel connected. The weekly blessed gathering called CHURCH always reignited my heart towards Him again. 

But... as we've moved into this new season, new state, new phase of life called parenting... when I've had the sacred moments of paying attention... I've found, if I'm honest with myself, those ways don't work anymore. I could listen to a million good worship songs, a hundred sermons, continue to go to church weekly but yet STILL feel NUMB to HIM. 

When I heard this song, I felt like the Lord was so plainly and lovingly telling me, "Yes. The old way doesn't work anymore. It's time for New Wine."

Since then, He's confirmed this truth to me in a few different ways. 

He's said,  "The season of you coasting by on the familiar, the accidental or unintentional, is over. I want to take you to a deeper level with Me, even now in the busy and beautiful season I've given you called motherhood. Even when time seems scarce and sacred, I want to be found by You. I want to meet you in the quiet. Not in a passing worship song for five minutes in the car... but in the intentional, sought after and set apart time you make for Me. Even when you are busy, exhausted, at your limit or in a dry place. Your physical obedience will bring forth a spiritual breakthrough, You will seek Me and find me when you seek Me with your whole heart. Where there is new wine, there is new power and freedom. Lay down your old flame and take up My new fire again." 

I'm craving this. I'm craving this.

As a new mom with no time and seemingly no SPACE to seek this... and sometimes no DESIRE to seek this... I want this. I want Him. I'm want Him NEW. 

NOT in the old ways I found Him. 

NOT in the same places I found Him. 

NOT in the familiar "methods" I found Him. 

I'm craving the NEW. New power, new freedom. A new flame. A new heart. 

And it's something I'm willing to fight for. 

And to be honest, I think this is such a beautiful fight that will mean so much to Him. 

Knowing Him... knowing how He loves me and wants to be with me more than I want to be with Him... I tear up just thinking about how much He will meet me in this time if I go forth in obedience to what He has told me. 

He knows I'm not giving Him something that costs me nothing. 

He knows that my fighting for stillness, quiet, getting full and being intentional - in this season of mommy-ing - is a sacrifice. 

A WORTHY sacrifice, but a sacrifice nonetheless. And a sacrifice that will be so minuscule in comparison to what I will gain... HIM.

He knows. And knowing Him I believe He will honor that with His presence, His power, His New Wine. A new season of renewed closeness... with no distance in between us.
longing for that... even though my days feel like my own body isn't my own as it gets tugged on and smothered by a nursing newborn and snuggly toddler who's love language is clearly physical touch... :) Even though sometimes I just want to feel like, NOT TOUCHED... having a closeness with Him with no distance in between is something so beautiful to me. So rejuvenating and freeing and so THE WAY WE WERE CREATED. It's beautiful to think about.

It's worth the fight. To be fully alive.

Discipline. Surrender. Making space. Rejecting the numb, the autopilot, the ordinary. Fighting for my heart. All while keeping the little people alive. :) 

Not in my (non-existent...) strength, but Christ in me. Holy Spirit power in me. In YOU. Because it's not about being the best mom I can be, I really think it's about being the most like Him that I can be. Which, of course, ends up being my best self... but shooting for the one, gets you nothing... and shooting for the latter, gets you both. Hallelujah.

::: It's Here.

I’ve been meaning to write now for some time and either feel too busy, too uninspired, too lazy or too “in survival mode” to have any original thoughts.

But the thing is… it’s here.

In one week we will be hopping on a plane and going 4,488 miles away. Over a country. Over a sea. To a tiny speck of land that’s smaller than the state of Rhode Island. A speck that holds beauty beyond compare and more adventure than we’ll probably be able to fully explore in our 3-4 year stint there (although we certainly intend to!) We fly fly fly fly away, and then step off a plane to a tropical paradise - BAM! We're home. 

It’s shocking. It’s surreal. It’s incredible. And it’s HERE.

And I don’t even know if I have, or can, fully process it yet.

How do you process a gift that feels heavy with the weight of all that it signifies we leave behind?

How do you process the closing of a wonderful chapter of life, and the brand new startling opening of another?

How do you process saying goodbye to people you’ve lived alongside, cried with, fought with, believed with, vacationed with, prayed with, hoped with and shared your table with for the last five years?

How do you process being an ocean away from family?

How do you process living on a teeny, tiny ISLAND of paradise and calling that place home?

I’ve felt so many things since receiving the big news on August 1^st. At that point in time, we were pretty down because our “dream assignment” that was given to us just two weeks prior, was suddenly taken away abruptly... *tear*... and we were back to square one of knowing we needed to go, but having NO idea where we were going.

We were sad because the picture-perfectness of our lives was falling into place just as we planned… close to the beach, close to family… and it was gone in a second.

Square one is tough to go back to. Yet, as we were sitting in the living room one day, trying to process the loss of our perfectly planned assignment, this song surprisingly came onto our TV youtube channel and before we knew it... it brought us both to sobs as we finally reached a point of surrender.

“So come and fill this room.

Anything apart from You

Let it fall away.

Let it fall away.

If it’s not what You wanna do.

Anything apart from You,

Let it fall away.

Let it fall away Jesus.”

I remember so clearly... in that time when I declared to Him: “If it’s not what you want to do… let it fall away…" in those moments, I felt the Lord asking if we were going to trust Him. I told Him I trusted Him. I told Him I believed His plan was better than ours.. even though if I'm completely honest, I couldn’t really fathom what else could come down the big Air Force machine that was better than what we had, and lost. :(

Then August 1^st came. And the ultimate dream assignment that we NEVER could have ever imagined was literally handed to us on a silver platter. My husband will be the first to tell you that he shouldn’t have even been considered. Not because he isn’t an awesome pilot, but because from what the job required, he was under-qualified in many ways. Pilots of his rank and his experience didn’t get assignments like this… it just doesn’t happen. But guys... it's almost like God didn't get the memo about who was qualified or not... :) His rules are different! (who knew?!)

It’s weird when you choose to trust God – like REALLY trust Him to have a better plan than yours – and He actually blows your mind and creates something amazing out of thin air. He proves your trust. He doesn’t have to, but He’s the perfect Father. And He does, again and again. 

It’s humbling and exhilarating to hope in a God who will NEVER fail you. Who sees the big picture, and beckons you to rest in the big picture He holds. That's truly, true beauty.

If you care to know the crazy details of how this fell into our lap I’d love to share them over coffee or a phone call one day… but all I can say, and the testimony I will always share, is that God literally paved the way for this to happen and LITERALLY had it set in motion probably for a year before we even got it.

And after the dust has settled and we've been able to step back and see the 20/20, I can only say that if there’s anything I’ve learned from all of the crazy details that only God could ordain… it’s this:

God wants the Stainbacks in Hawaii.

I don’t know why.

I couldn’t begin to imagine why.

But due to the miracles surrounding this landing in our lap to begin with, I am so HOPEFUL and EXPECTANT and EXCITED!!!!!

And I'd be lying if I said sometimes it’s hard not knowing why. My inner control-monster needs the plan, stat.

But yet in the silent organizing, He whispers.

And the only thing I keep hearing Him say to me, since that first day of August when we first heard about this new assignment, is this:

“I am drawing you away, to draw you near.”

What a promise! It brings me to tears.

He draws us away to draw us near.

If there is anything we left New Jersey with… besides friendships that will literally last a lifetime (thank You Jesus)... it’s a desire for MORE of God. 

The ALL of God. 

Even the fullness of God, (as if we could survive it!) 

We left NJ longing for a culture that believes what the Bible says, and encourages us to hunger for Him in an unquenchable way. And I feel like, from what little God has shared with me, that’s what He’s going to bring us as we immerse ourselves with His island bride.

“I am drawing you away to draw you near...”

That’s what I’m clinging to and that’s what I’m hoping in.

Because that’s what I need, and it’s a two-fold thing.

Fold 1: I know it’s a little strange (and I’m not asking for pity, haha) but in some ways finding out about Hawaii has been difficult. To be honest, I feel like I’m moving to another planet. We will be 4-5 hours behind our family and friends, and that time difference alone lends to me feeling very isolated. I feel FAR. FAR AWAY. And it’s weird to be so far, for what feels like so long. I feel like we’ll be very very disconnected from what’s going on with our family. We’ve always made an effort to come see our family for the big things… weddings, special events, surprise birthday parties, babies being born… and suddenly, our priority of using money, miles and vacation hours to visit family is completely shifting. We are FAR away. And going from seeing our family multiple times a year to once, maybe twice, is weird. It’s weird that we’ll most likely have children that our siblings won’t be able to meet easily, or timely. It’s just all so weird. And it’s different for us. And it’ll be an adjustment, for all parties involved I’m sure, and of course there is usually pain with adjustments but it’s the new reality we have to embrace. And we have to adjust in a land that produces a lifestyle of ALOHA ---- aka sloooooowwwwwwwwwing it all down. A different kind of lifestyle. (One far, far away). 

Fold 2: Since possibly even before having Jolie, I’ve felt a little on the numb side. I’m sure I’ve written about it before… and I know the transformation into mommy-hood has contributed to this… but I have felt for a while now like my spirit is asleep. I've been needing a re-awakening, a refresh, a reset and a rejuvenation of my spirit SO badly. Maybe living in a state of “survival mode” contributes to the auto-pilot season that I have succumbed to, however in my heart I want to fight fight fight the apathy!

I want to draw near again. I want to see in my life what I know in my heart. I want knowledge of who He is WITH the experience of who He is. They aren’t mutually exclusive, and you can’t settle for one without the other. I know many who shun experience, and many who only pursue experience. Those two options in and of themselves are NOT Biblical and are not ok. And I don’t want to live there, prioritizing and pursuing one over the other. I want both. And both are found when I draw near in relentless pursuit of who He is, His presence, His love.

So all of this brings us to where we are now... it's HERE. (!!!!) It's here y'all.

We leave the mainland in a week. 

I'm so excited I can hardly process. 

I'm so thankful. 

I feel like the perfect Father who knows the desires of my heart is just delighting in giving this wonderful gift to me... here's why!

9.5 years ago, I lived in Honolulu with YWAM and literally FELL IN LOVE with the island of Oahu. I LOVED the climate, the surroundings, the unbelievably beautiful beaches, the North Shore, the city, the hikes, the adventure: ALL OF IT. 

SO MUCH SO that I convinced my hubby to take us there for my 26th bday and for our 5 year anniversary. :)

SO MUCH SO that Bill and I always had the agreement that, if his commander ever called him into his office and asked him if he wanted an assignment to Hawaii, that he didn't even have to call me... but just immediately say YES because my answer will ALWAYS be YES! 

So... you can imagine what went down on August 1st... :)

It's happening and I'm thankful. 

I'm going to miss my family so much. 

I already miss my New Jersey framily SO much. (So much that I wrote a blog about them here because they deserve so much of our heart in honor and love than we could ever give.)

I'm going to miss Chick-fil-a more than I probably should. *tear*

...

But we're off. 

And He's already there ahead of us, preparing community, preparing the miracle house He promised, preparing the ways He will meet our material needs and emotional needs and spiritual needs and relational needs. Preparing a best friend that I desperately want to live life with. He goes before us and behind us and hems us in and His love has guided us to this place and will continue to fashion each of our steps as we travel far, far away. 

He's with us. 

And He is drawing us away to draw us near. 

I can't even explain to you how excited I am to figure out what that looks like. 

A Third Option.

Man, what a mess we've gotten ourselves into. 

I've had so many sweeping emotions and thoughts this week as I've read the controversial headlines each day. 

I've finally had some time to take a step back and try to figure out what's going on in my head. It's a special thing when you can think for yourself... like a big kid... rather than let Fox News or CNN tell you how you should think. 

So here are my two cents... hopefully it contributes to your own personal thought PROCESS. 

Think for yourself, friends. And filter those thoughts by what the Father has to say. His way is the best way, always.

So let's dive in. 

Quick disclaimer: this is my blog. I can only speak (write) on what I've personally experienced... and my experiences in life are filtered by who I am... a follower of Jesus, a wife to a military member, and a "white" person. So that's what I'm leading with, because that's what I know. You can't hold that against me, because it's the cards I was dealt (and in some cases, like marrying the hot Air force guy, it's the personal choices I've made). :) If I was an African American person who had experienced different behaviors and actions, this blog would probably look a little different. However. This is my attempt and safe place to process these things... things that I have no experience in, things that I want to understand, and gaps I'm trying to bridge. So before you jump to conclusions and get offended... try to put on my filtered glasses real quick, and meet me here. Because that's what I'm trying to do with YOU. Let's meet each other and swap lenses, expand minds and open hearts. There is beauty in that. 

As a military wife and friend of some who have literally paid the ultimate price with their life so that people can behave like this (read more about this hero here), I do NOT condone dishonor to our flag. 

The disrespect is disgusting. And a low shot.

And yet the irony is, men and women have died so that we can be free to behave this way. (You’re welcome).

This is the reason why it hits so close to home for me. My husband has chosen to defend this flag and the nation it stands for, and the payment for his service could very well be his life. That’s what he’s promised. 

I’ve never been handed a folded flag that was once draped over my husbands coffin, however I have witnessed it firsthand,and the fact that men and women in our country would chose to peaceful protest in this disrespectful and dishonorable way is shocking and unacceptable. 

To ignore that or say otherwise is biased and ignorant. And it is offensive. 

HOWEVER. There is more to the story. :) 

As a follower of Jesus, I have actually given up my right to be offended. Why? Because you can’t offend a dead person, and I have been crucified with Christ (Gal 2:20).

So, instead, I’m choosing option 3. 

You see, there aren’t just two options here people... 

it’s not “white noble patriots” vs. “disrespectful African Americans.”

Because frankly, in this situation, and in my opinion, BOTH options are WRONG. 

Ignoring the racism and pain that still exists today, that I know my friends experience and live with in a way I'll never truly understand, is WRONG.

Choosing to protest in a way that disrespects the flag that many, including some friends of mine, have literally been killed for, is WRONG.

Friends, you've got to be able to call both options WRONG.

I know it's tense to live in that place, but it's OK! 

Live in the tension of both sides being wrong!

We are existing in what is perhaps the grayest period history, and when the world screams for you to PICK A SIDE... but both sides compromise what you believe is right... there is a still small voice that whispers among the screams... “you know...I died to give you a third option.”

The third option is the love option. 

"Love covers a multitude of sins." 

"Love is not easily angered."

"Perfect love casts out all fear."

"Everyone will know that you are my Disciples if you love one another."

"Love is kind."

"Love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you." 

"If anyone says "I Love God," but hates his brother, he is a liar." 

"Love keeps no records of wrong."

"Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."

The third option is the love option.

It’s not liberal or conservative. 

It's not democrat or republican.

It transcends politics and color of skin and social class.

It's not defined by a hashtag, a building, a sexual orientation, a president, or even a religion. 

It's defined by a King who whispers when the world shouts. 

Who sleeps when the storm rages.

He defined it. He is it. 

He died to prove it's extravagance. He rose from the dead to prove it's power. He's alive to prove it's authenticity. 

He is love. 

And He's given us the third option to love.

And it's the only option that holds any truth or offers any calm in a world that is screaming in pain and anguish. 

Now, aside from the fluffy words... what does this third option actually look like? What does a follower of Jesus who has identified themselves completely with Him do while living in the tension of choosing the third option?

I think, it involves looking, hearing, understanding, and ACTION. 

It looks like empathy. 

It hears before it speaks. 

It reaches out to someone of a different race and asking them how this makes them feel. 

It makes every effort to understand. 

It believes the best about the "opposing view."

It doesn’t meet a temper tantrum with a temper tantrum, it doesn’t shoot low. 

It steps back and considers the fact that, maybe, just maybe, you truly don't understand the big picture, the real pain, the full history, the present struggle.

I can't control how other people behave. 

I can't control whether or not people kneel and disrespect their country in a public and dishonorable way. As I mentioned before, men and women have died so they can express their beliefs in this way, without getting shot. That is the beauty of the country we live in (and the disgusting reality of the countries that many oppressed people live in), and to take away their right (and freedom) to kneel in peaceful protest, or to suggest they should be fired because of this behavior, is a powerful push in the direction we do not want to go in.

Yet, this still stands. My "lean", because of who I am, the way I've grown up, the decisions I've made, the man I've married, the lifestyle I've chosen, is to be offended by that. I lean more towards thinking about my friend who has given his life so that we can kneel and show disrespect in a safe way. and getting pissed that people would do this for a country he has literally been killed in action for.

However, because of my LEAN, I understand that... I have a LEAN. I have a tendency to view things, and get offended by things, and choose perspectives or political affiliations or beliefs in a certain way. And because of my LEAN... there may be (aka definitely are) things that I've missed. Perspectives I'm ignorant about. Perceptions that are incorrect. Stories and struggles and hardships that I have no clue about. 

When a follower of Jesus recognizes their lean... I think it's so important to stop leaning, straighten up and embrace option 3 in regards to what you are leaning against. 

One thing that really helped me recognize my lean and open my eyes to the fact that I may be missing a huge part of the problem here was a status written by one of my favorite Pastors and prophets. It's so good that I'm just going to post the whole thing here, but if you'd like to see the source, it's here. 

Kris said:

When people are hurting they may shed a tear, wince, or whimper, but if they are experiencing high levels of pain the entire scene changes.

I remember when Kathy gave birth to our first child. We took Lamaze classes so I was “coaching” her through her labor. Per our instructions, we chose a Snickers candy bar as her focal point when she was in pain. I loved the whole idea of helping to bring control and reassurance to her situation, but about 8 hours into 28 hours of labor, Kathy’s pain got so intense that she started yelling at me! “Breathe baby, breathe . . .” I said, trying to comfort her as I was taught. “Shut up . . . leave me alone,” she shouted over and over! I got so distraught that I finally ate the focal point! She screamed for 20 more hours.

One of the crazy things about that night was that 23 other women were also giving birth at the same time. There weren’t enough rooms in the maternity ward to accommodate all the ladies having babies, so several of them were on gurneys in the hallways. I will never forget that night as an inexperienced 21 year old listening to the horrific screams of two dozen women in pain. It marked me for life!

Pain often transcends the rational response and the dignified demeanor. It ditches the calm and calculated cerebral approach to life in favor of the desperate solution. We've all heard the adage, “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Many times onlookers are quite skeptical of the pain of others because they haven’t had a similar experience. I was a person that never experienced long term physical pain. I was always critical of people who couldn’t work because of invisible things like “back pain." Then the day came when I ripped my colon and lived in intense pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 6 months. I spent those months just trying to cope with the simplest tasks of life. As my colon pain decreased, my empathy for others in pain dramatically increased.

There are people in our country who are experiencing intense pain. Their ethnicity, skin color, and/or demise of their legacy weighs on their souls like a woman in labor. The mere longevity of their pain and the prolonged nature of their problem has bread hopelessness amongst their culture. Their silent tears have once again turned to loud screams as they push to birth freedom, equality, and dignity among their race. We are not just talking about fair laws or rules, but the simple desire to be equally valued and truly honored as fellow Americans.

Many Americans have reduced their perspectives to arguing over the appropriateness of the scream; is it too loud, is it dignified, or should it be happening in the “hallways,” BUT they’ve missed the entire point. The real issue . . . the root problem is PEOPLE ARE IN INTENSE PAIN!

Some argue, “I don’t think they're being mistreated or disrespected.” Yes, but you aren’t black!! You aren’t the one in pain. You likely have no grid for what it’s like to deal with a skin color that disqualifies you, puts you in a box, or numbers you among criminals, which of course is ludicrous! But it’s real . . . and it’s happening right here in 21st century America.

So what can you do?

1- Stop telling people they aren’t in pain. They are!

2- Work to understand why the pain exists in your community.

3-Be a part of the solution.

Love never fails!

How good is that? Ah! How much have I missed?!?! How much do I not understand?!?! And how much has my LEAN hindered me from seeing the root of the problem?!?!

And so begins existing in the beautiful tension... :)

Because you see, by agreeing with the above... and even though I'm choosing to "work to understand why the pain exists in [my] community," that does not mean I condone, accept or embrace the dishonoring of the flag and our country. I never can, and I never will. 

YET, option 3 doesn't mean I have to. 

Option 3 lives in the tension of calling out the wrongness (is that a word?) of both!

Option 3 gives me the ability to ignore my lean and embrace the fact that truly, truly truly, LOVE NEVER FAILS. 

Option 3 gives room for expression of pain, empathy, understanding, confession, repentance, and restoration! 

It bridges gaps and heals wounds and works through the nitty-gritty-ness of heartache and brokenness and pain and offense. It's a beautiful place to be - it gives life because it's given to us by the Life-giver.

It allows me to say, "hey, I'm not black. I've never been immersed in a black community. I've never been discriminated against because of the color of my skin and I've never known what that feels like. I've never been scared for my life when I've been pulled over by a cop. I can't fathom what that feels like. I've never viewed the world through the filter of... 'maybe that happened because I'm black.' I've never seen jobs skipped over or opportunities taken away because of the color of my skin. So guess what? That means... I MAY NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN."

Not that your pain isn't real... or your pain is unimportant... but rather... your pain is something I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 

Option 3 says... "because I may not understand your pain, I'm not going to miss the root of the problem because I don't condone the way you are screaming."

It gives us a better way. 

HE GAVE US A BETTER WAY. 

His way is higher and wider and lighter. 

His way is perfect. 

And I think His way looks like this: 

"Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to be angry." - James 1:9

"Brothers, rejoice. aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace, and the God of love and peace with be with you." - 2 Corinthians 13:11

"Live in harmony with one another. Do not be arrogant." - Romans 12:16a

"Love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything." 1 Peter 4:8

"Love binds everything together in perfect harmony." Colossians 3:14

"Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing." - 1 Peter 3:8-10

Let's not let the media control the way we think. Let's not let them dictate what we believe, how we view controversial issues, or even what we call controversial. Let's think for ourselves, and let us think with the mind of Christ. Who filtered everything He knew, saw, heard, and believe by what the Father told Him!

 It doesn't have to be black and white. I know Christians prefer black and white  because it helps them color in the lines. But the thing is, Jesus ignored the black and white of his day. He was continually outside of the box, continually loving the prostitutes, the outcasts, the dirty, the lowly, the sinful. 

When the world screamed at him to pick a side, He knelt down and drew in the dirt... and offered the third option: "Let He who is without sin cast the first stone." 

He was continually in relationship with the Father and He only did what His father told Him to do. And consequently, He's told us what we should do. 

Choose to NOT be pressured into picking a side. 

Choose to NOT let a video here that hates on Trump or a video there that hates on the NFL dictate the option you choose. In fact, don't choose either of those options.

Choose to NOT filter your opinion of "Black Lives Matter" or police brutality on a viral youtube video or post. 

Choose to be willing to call what is right right, and what is wrong wrong, and trust God to provide the third and only good option when the ones the world has to offer are wrong. 

He already has. 

He DIED so we can live. 

He rose on the third day so we can have the third option. 

He makes a way when there is no way. 

He is the God of the impossible and His way is the best way. 

He's called us to love. 

And a quick side note....... the sooner we love, the sooner we quit bickering and stirring the pot with a careless post or status update here or there, the sooner we step back, repair bridges, swap lenses and open ears to listen... the sooner we can get to the REAL problems in the world that the enemy, I believe, has very keenly tried to distract us from. Like the lives that are broken and dying in Mexico, Puerto Rico, Houston and the Caribbean. 

We can't be fighting among ourselves AND helping the broken people of the world at the same time. 

The enemy knows that. he is sneaky and smart but he is ultimately defeated, so lets stop doing his work of hatred, offense, bickering, disunity and discrimination for him. 

Let's pick the third option. 

Let's love.