Behind the Highlights.

I love these pictures & I love these humans more than life itself.

But last week was an incredibly terrible week for me. 

It started off w/Seth having a bad fall & getting a head injury that landed him in the ER. (Thankfully he’s fine. But it was totally my fault ). 
I think in the days following, the guilt & stress of that event + everything else going on in our world/personal life like, rippled over & impacted the full spectrum of my emotions. 
Sunday I was in a sad funk all day. 
Monday was fun because we were w/ friends all day. 
Tues - Fri were t e r r i b l e for me mentally. 
Terrible. 

I felt sad, enraged, angry, in despair, ashamed, sad.
Every single typically “little-kid”thing that didn’t normally bother me, sent me into a rage. RAGE. It was crazy & it broke my heart & I felt like I couldn’t control it. I felt like running away, I didn’t wanna reach out to anyone & honestly the last thing I wanted to do was turn to the Lord. The only prayers I could mutter out were “God help me please.” 

Y’all, it was a crazy week. 

It’s weird to be writing this because I don’t necessarily feel like “I’m all good now!” 

But, I’m better. 

I finally had the common sense to reach out to my sisters & ask for prayer on Friday. 

And come Saturday I didn’t feel the enraged reactions anymore. I didn’t lose my mind over a classic water-cup spill or the natural resistance to nap-time that 3 yr olds have. I felt like I could clearly & calmly respond to these little annoyances like normal, but it didn’t change the fact that the week I had was awful. 
I told Billy I felt like it was a “check engine light” for my soul. We have been in transition for over a year & our whole world is a month or two away from another BIG transition. 

I feel the stress from the past & present piling. I feel weary, sad, fearful. I feel lonely, hesitant to put down roots or invest in relationships AGAIN because... we’re probably moving really soon anyways, right? 

So it’s just, a STUCK place to be sometimes. 

He prayed for me & was awesome/patient through my crazy days, but it was still hard to feel the mom-guilt of it all. 
And, I hesitate to share this “publicly”because of the potential  over ANOTHERR “real-talk” post, and also because I don’t want anything thinking I’m psycho lol. Or a bad mom. 

But. I was about to post these pretty pictures & felt a freaking check in my spirit. 
FULL STOP. 

These sweet pictures depict ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of the reality I lived last week. 
NOTHING.
And last week was hard.
I felt hopeless and stuck and so sad. 
After googling, I realized that the rage I felt could be symptoms of depression & anxiety.
I know those are buzz-words, but I can see truth in them.
And you sweet mamas who follow me would see these perfectly presetted pictures & maybe think I have it all together. 
But after the darkness I felt last week, I’m sad that that’s the image I am naturally bent towards putting out there. Like everyone is, I suppose. But it just feels even more wrong after what I walked through, and what I would want to portray with these cutie babies and sweet smiles.

So. 
Yes, I love my kids more than my own life. 
Yes, I love Jesus and find joy in Him.
Yes, I am so grateful for the privilege of loving & leading these babies & being a mama.
And yes, I need Him absolutely more than anything.
I need Him daily, as a safe space to bring my many fears about the future.
I need Him hourly, as a comforting place to calm my anxious thoughts and “what if’s”.
I need Him second by second to remind me of who I am in Him, and that this “religion” is less about rules to follow and more about a relationship to rejuvenate my soul. A give and take with a loving Father. A fall down and grace covering way of life. A day of rage and repentance and, rage again but better, and more repentance. A character molding and heart transforming walk with the King. Less about the flawless, showy-ness of it all, and more about the secret whispers of, “Jesus. I’m hurting. And sad. And lonely. And I need You to help me.”

A life abiding - not striving, but just tucked away ever so gently in Him. 
I need Him daily, desperately.
Filters & smiles aside.
And I’m grateful for the check engine light. 
I’m grateful for the emotions that - aren’t allowed to drive - but do certainly ride along, & allow me to know when something is going on.
These check engine lights this time reminded me that I need to reach out for help sooner. 
That I need to be more diligent about carving out time to tend to my heart & less diligent about wearing myself out for the little people that actually need me healthy. 
And also that I will probably greatly benefit from some counseling, which I plan to pursue this week. 
PHEW. 
Ok. 

Novel over for now. 
I hope this helps somebody, anybody. Or I hope that it one day will, if not today. 
I don’t have it all together, and I probably never will. 

I need Him desperately. 

If you can resonate with this and wanna reach out, He’s there for you and I can be too. 

He Himself is our Peace.

 It's Holy Week. 

This is my first Holy Week where I have felt the sting of death so, so close. So personal. Too close.

It hurts and it's heavy and if I'm honest, I've struggled the last few weeks having to reconcile what I experienced, with what I KNOW. 

This Holy Week leads me once again to the Cross first, bring my own broken-heart at the feet of the broken Body. What a comforting thought.

I've cried more this last month than I have all year. The heaviness of the times, the heaviness of our season of military life, but most of all the heaviness of the virus that stole so much from so many, leaving it's mark forever on our big beautiful family in the most devastating way.

A beautiful life - a wonderful daughter, wise sister, incredible wife, treasured mother, beloved aunt, precious Guita - cut too short, too soon. It HURTS. It feels so surreal, truly so unbelievable. 

I have questions that I've been asking the last few weeks, and I know where to take them. I know Who to ask. They hurt, but I bring them nevertheless because pain can produce a burden that was never ours to carry. It was nailed to a tree, so why pick up something He paid the highest price for me to lay down? So, the questions come.

Why did this happen?
Why a precious life cut too short?
How could this happen to her?
How do I reconcile what I experienced with what I know? 

... Isn't that the filter of all of life? To process what we experience with what we KNOW?

What I experienced at the beginning of this month was fear. Shock. Family unity before a good Father, HOPE, the sting of death. Pain pain pain. Heartbreak. Fear again. Shock, again. Peace. Pain. 

And now, this Holy Week, I find myself living in the coexistence of pain and peace. 

Sometimes, it's difficult to approach the celebration of a risen King in the face of the personal sting of death. 

But, I KNOW... we can't stay there. Our story doesn't end at the Cross, at death. I refuse to reduce my theology to match my pain. There is more beyond what I've experienced this month. And this is why we need to filter our experiences with what we KNOW. 

Jesus said, in His most painful, exposed, graphic, unjust, vulnerable moments on earth, "it is finished." NOTHING more needs to be done. 

There isn't a sin on the planet that Jesus Christ's love didn't cover. 

What He said was true. 

By His stripes we are healed, by His blood we are redeemed. 

Death is defeated, forever.

So how do we reconcile praying and hoping, and not seeing it? How do we reconcile the pain of loss and the promise of peace? What do we do with these paradoxes that my family saw and experienced this month? 

"In this world, you will have trouble. 

But take heart, for I have overcome the world."

I've been tearing these words apart this week. 

He didn't say, "take heart, for I will take all your troubles away." 

He doesn't butter-up the pain we will experience. 

He Himself felt the sting of loss - He let Himself. He wept when His best friend died, He allows the pain of His people to move His heart. 

And I have no doubt that our tear-filled facetime family prayer groups, our calls to each other, our text messages full of pain and hope, our worship and prayers in a hospital waiting room...

 m o v e d t h e h e a r t o f G O D.

He was close to the Buitrago's in our brokenness, He was close in our hope, He was close when the hardest, most impossible decisions of surrendering the medical fight were made for her.

He was close in our collapsing, He was close in our weeping. He was close in the goodbyes. 

He didn't turn away. He drew close. And I love Him for that. 

And yet... we still felt the pain of loss. We still carry that with us, each in our own way. Why, Lord?

"In this world, you will have trouble..."

We felt it. We feel it. So, so many people in the world are living in the trouble right now. He said we would. He is always right. 

"But take heart..." 

A command. A command to hope.

"For I have overcome the world."

Somehow, Jesus... - though He doesn't promise to take our troubles away - has promised and has fully provided to GIVE HIMSELF. To the FULLEST measure. And guess what? 

He HIMSELF is our peace. 

He died so we don't have to. 

He bled so we don't have to. 

He was beaten so we don't have to be. 

He was abandoned so we don't have to be. 

He has overcome so that we can have HIM. 

He Himself is our peace.

 

His peace (transcending understanding), His love (overcoming evil), His joy (our strength) almost acts as an UMBRELLA over our pain, our heartbreak, our troubles. 

Our story doesn't end at the pain - He has provided Himself, the highest prize and He is the way out of the deepest heartbreak, the strongest pain.

We have troubles - yes - but in a world that He has already overcome.

We live on the other side of "IT IS FINISHED."

We, who call on the Name of the Lord as our Savior and identify ourselves with Him completely, live in His Victory. His victory overcomes every trouble we face - big or small. 

We have a place to take our pain. 

We have a place to take our hurt. 

We have a place to take our confusion.

We have a place to take our death.

It's the same place He took His... to the tomb. 

In the tomb, death dies. 

Hope lives. Victory lives. Love lives. That's the side of history we live in today.

And Jesus, in His kindness and goodness, doesn't leave us brokenhearted. He doesn't say we can't mourn. He says instead, that we are BLESSED when we mourn because then, we are comforted. So, now, still, and probably for a long while, we mourn. And in the mourning, may we find the blessing. May we find the peace.

May we find the hope. 

May we find Him. Always drawing close. Always comforting. Always available.

And you know what's the most amazing part of this loss for me? 

It's the fact that my beautiful Tia (aunt) believed EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. JESUS. SAID. 

It's so easy to honor her in her passing. She loved Him with her whole heart. She believed what He said. She followed Him closely. She lived a life surrendered to Jesus. She told her family about Him. She placed all her hope in Him. Even in her last weeks before sedation, she was worshipping Him in the hospital. His praise was EVER on Her lips.

And it makes me cry knowing that right now... she is THE MOST GLORIOUS, BEAUTIFUL, HEALED, BRILLIANT, WHOLE, RADIANT she has EVER been. 

She is face to face with the God she adored. 

She is in the presence of the King she was devoted to.

She is doing what she loves to do, singing His praises directly TO HIM!

Alongside my beloved Grandma and her mom, who she treasured so much.

Does it hurt that she's gone? More than our family can express. 

And yet, I KNOW... I know where to carry my ache... and I KNOW in my heart that, not only is she rejoicing in heaven with her God... but that she would tell us, without hesitation: 

IT IS WORTH IT!!!!!

A life devoted to Jesus is WORTH IT!

A life believing what He says is WORTH IT!  

A life obeying Him is WORTH IT!

A life spent extravagantly loving Him is WORTH IT!

A life being different from the world is WORTH IT!

A life choosing Him is WORTH IT!

A life saying NO to self and YES to God is WORTH IT!

A life spent worshipping Him is WORTH IT!

A life following Him closely is WORTH IT!

It is worth it all. 

HE is WORTH it all. 

JESUS IS ALIVE. 

JESUS IS WITH HER. 

AND WE WILL SEE HER AGAIN. 

Soon and very soon.

Hallelujah!

Love you forever Tia.

Jesus - 

We believe You. 

We trust You. 

We bring our broken hearts to You. 

We surrender our perfect plans to You. 

We need You. 

We love You. 

We hope in the face of death. 

We want to know You as our Peace in the face of death. 

We know that NOTHING the world has to offer can compare to what you offer us... peace in pain, joy in sorrow, hope in loss. 

We come to you broken, in need of the Comforter. 

We come to you because we have no where else to go. 

We praise you for a life well lived, for the good and faithful example she was to us. 

We praise You because You are ONLY good. 

We trust You with this pain. 

We trust You with this heartache. 

We trust You with this brokenness. 

Where else would we go? You alone have the words of life. 

So Jesus, we celebrate You as our Risen King this weekend. 

We celebrate You because YOU PROVIDED A WAY FOR DEATH TO NO LONGER BE THE END.

YOU PROVIDED A WAY FOR VICTORY OVER THE ENEMY. 

My Tia believed it. And she is more full of joy than she has ever been before. 

And we believe it too. 

Hallelujah, King forever. 

Jesus paid it all. 

All to Him we owe. 

We adore You Jesus. You are so good and so true.

WE LOVE YOU.

Easter at Home:::

Man. 

These words.

I’m so thankful for these words.

And I’m so thankful for what God is doing in the wake of physically closed buildings and church doors. 

Of course, no 4 walls could ever contain the Spirit that raised the Christ from the dead.

But we do. 

Our physical bodies do.

That same Spirit.

The resurrection and life is in us and works through us. 

Christ in us, the Hope of Glory. 

The resurrected Christ.

In Him we live and breathe and have our being. 

The *same* Spirit. 

And maybe closed doors and shut down smoke machines and a stay-at-home sound tech/worship team and the blood, sweat and tears that usually surround the highly Evangelical Easter service in the Western world... maybe this pause, this slowing down, is less of a tragedy and more of an invitation. 

Maybe you don’t need a choir or a killer guitar solo or a talented singer with Celiney-pipes to feel close to God, goosebumps and all.

Maybe you don’t need an amazing sermon and a charismatic pastor or a smiling usher handing you a dish of juice and tiny square crackers to know His presence for yourself. 

To commune with Him yourself.

I love these words from Scott the Painter so much because it drives home what God has been telling me lately, over and over and over again.

That He is as close as my attention. 

That any lack of “feeling His nearness” is not a limit on His end.

It’s not a 50/50 relationship. 

It’s not even 90/10, Hitch style. 

No. 

He went all the way. 

He made the first move and the last, stone-rolling move.

100%.

“It is finished.”
The price paid, COMPLETELY.

The full veil torn, COMPLETELY.

Our death ransomed, COMPLETELY. 

Our sin washed, COMPLETELY.

We have 100% access to the God of the ages, COMPLETELY. 

To know and be known.

There is no lack on His end.

All we have left is to respond to what He has already paid for. 

“...Enter His gates with Thanksgiving and His courts with praise...”

And yes, it’s more fun to lift thanksgiving and praise in a room full of voices. More fun and yes, so necessary.

We aren’t created to do it alone. 

However, it would be a shame to think on this Easter... this strange, strange Easter... that we can’t know and experience God or come into His courts and know His presence, because of a closed church door. Because of isolation. 

He is not socially distant from us. 

He is IN us. 

Closer than our skin. 

He is as close as our attention. 

And I’d like to propose that the invitation of the closed church door is an opportunity to have an open heaven in your H O U S E.

A resurrection celebration in your H E A R T. 

An encounter with the God who delights in You in your R O O M.

A worship “service” where you sing Y O U R  O W N  S O L O to Him.

A chance to connect with God, even experience God, through the intimacy of your personal ATTENTION to Him, right where you are.

Yes, silence and scripture and solitude are all beautiful tools to cultivate that. 

But there isn’t some crazy formula to know and experience God. 

He is with you, NOW. N O W. This very moment and EVERY SINGLE MOMENT HEREAFTER.

He has done literally everything He can do to remove any barrier to knowing Him, calling on Him, being close to Him.

He is not hard to find. 

“ “Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him."”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:19-21‬ ‭ESV‬

What a promise. 

So my prayer on this weird Easter is that we actually, truly, fully LOVE Him. 

Where we literally experience resurrections in our homes.

Where dead things in our hearts - sin habits, secret addictions, bad attitudes, jealousy, pride, distracted living, gluttony, laziness, fear - are named, healed and now whole because of the miraculous God we can know and experience in our living room.

That the blood, sweat and tears poured into a beautiful and flashy Easter service or production is traded for intimately and INTENTIONALLY taking time remember the blood, sweat and tears that were spilled on a tree 2000 years ago - a sacrifice given for us to have FULL access TODAY, in spite of a closed church building or social distancing. 

An intentional rememberance that can bring us close to Him, even now.

That the distractions of “what Easter dress to wear” or “I hope they play my favorite song today” or “will my invited friend like the service” are replaced with a single-minded, beautifully simple, focused attention and full heart-devotion on a God-Man who gave us a reason to hope and sing triumphantly in the face of death and loss. 

That the celebration of the Easter service is extravagantly displayed in our HOMES. Beside our CHILDREN and our SPOUSES, a ministry all on its own.

Celebrating the fact that He made His resurrection and new life... an inside job - where our literal hearts can be fully free from US (Selah!) and we can trade our junk for His glory, our deadness for His resurrected life, our fear for His peace, our panic for His rest, our heavy for His light!

That the closed church door results in an open heaven’d home - where we don’t have to be His service attendee, church worker, ministry slave, worship team leader or head teaching Pastor to feel close to Him or experience Him... where we can just be His bride. 

The way my Billy lives with me, his bride... in the day to day. In the familiar. In the realness of the kids and the mess and the exhaustion and the mundane and the simple. 

In the always, ever-present.

We can know Him like that.

Us with God, and Him with us.

Father, Son, Holy Ghost.

In the kitchen or the living room floor.

Pressing in, all-access granted, to know and be known by Him. NOW. 

Doing real work, inner heart work, painful work, beautiful work.

“Come out of hiding you’re safe here with Me...”

Messy hands, messy hearts handed over to nail-scarred hands of love. 

Our dead traded for His NEW on this unconventional resurrection Sunday.

My prayer is that our social distance pulls us intimately closer to the King of Kings... the One who is perfect in righteousness... the One who rescued you because He delighted in you. 

That the closed church building is the beautiful and unexpected invitation you needed to know God for yourself - in a way you may have never experienced before. 

Where the world screams “STAY HOME,” and God whispers, “yeah, let’s stay home.” ❤️

He is alive. 

He is victorious. 

He is undefeated. 

He isn’t far away.

He is as close as our attention.

The Reset:::

I’ve been in bed by 9 the past few nights. I wish I could say it’s out of discipline but it was 100% because I’m out of gas. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. Done. 

This last 36 days of travel chewed me up and spit me out. It was a BLESSING to be able to visit the 6 states we love & see friends from all over the country & spend some much needed time reconnecting. I’m a 4 so relationships & deep waters & connection MATTER to me, & although I’m not intimidated by long-distance, the face-to-face time with people I love is a treasure. So I loved the reconnection part but... was it worth it? If I’m honest, I’m not so sure. 

This trip felt like a relentless attack. 9 days of puking, 3 ER visits, 2-nights in a hospital, 1 homesick, emotional tornado of a toddler who just didn’t want another “poke” from the Dr. 💔 It truly felt like one thing after another. I wear stress on my sleeve (aka it destroys my body) and I feel a bit like I aged a decade in a month. And when you are attacked during transition... in a new place, new routine, new time zone... you feel an extra bit vulnerable. 

Now we’re home and we are readjusting... taming new schedules to a 6hr time change (hello wide-awake at 2am) and then, a follow-up trip to the Dr. hits us with potentially bad news. Again. 

So I’m here, waiting for news about bloodwork and I feel so weary. I like to think I’m a strong person (what a nice thought), but the enemy knows a place to poke where nothing but cold, black, ugly fear comes out - and it has to do with the health & safety of my kids. When he messes with them, I hate to say that I’m less mama-bear and more scaredy-cat. I melt into a puddle and his terrible “what-ifs” flood my thoughts and I have to (sometimes tangibly) pick myself up off the floor and remind myself who my Father is. 

If I was blessed enough to sit across from you & share what season God has me in right now, you know the deeper parts of what I mean when I say I’m in a season of “inner work.” I’ve learned this year that even though it sounds noble to ignore my emotional, physical, and spiritual health under the badge of “super-mom” - I need to be diligent about what’s going on inside. I don’t have margin in my life to ignore where I’m at... how I feel... what I believe about myself/my kids... what thoughts I allow in... how I’m taking care of my body... because if “super-mom” goes, everyone goes. 

Right now, I feel a bit like I’m being attacked and not ready. And I FREAKING hate that. 

But today. 

It’s so weird but I can’t tell you how insanely undeservedly beautifully G O O D. Today was for me. A total reset, a pleasant refresh. It started like most threenager days have recently been starting in my world... with a tantrum & whining & the general emotional grouch of an almost 3 year old girl with big feelings. 

We had plans to go to the beach with friends but her whining quickly changed those plans, because it’s easier for me to deal with tantrums at home than at the beach. (Because, for those without kids who don’t fully know... going to the beach with two babies is nothing short of hard labor.) 

So she tantrums it out: “I don’t WANNA go to the beach!!” (over & over) & I shrug & cancel things & just accept that it’s going to be another tough day at home with the grump that is my child. 

An hour passes & I hear... “mommy, why we not going to da beach?” 🤬 

Cue the quick pack up & mini van load up & offfff we go, to a much closer beach that’s easier to manage meltdown and assure we are home by (much needed) nap time. A good choice? Nobody knew... but it was happening... and boy oh boy... it was a G O O D C H O I C E. 

Y’all.

Today was, so, good. 

My sis snuggled with a sleepy baby boy and I got some MUCH NEEDED quality time with my (finally)bnormal behaving girl.

We played and strategized our shell-collecting plan and floated together and sang songs. 

We had deep talks about her best friends and played in the sand and I’m pretty sure God knew I how desperately I needed this because I fell in love with this kid again after a very stressful and exhausting and difficult few weeks. 

I didn’t once think about bloodwork or “what-ifs” or worry about the awaiting results. 

She didn’t once whine or have a tantrum or act grumpy. 

We were both there, in the moment, enjoying the ocean and enjoying each other’s company. 

It was basically bliss. I felt my depleted cup get FULL TO OVERFLOW and I can’t express my gratitude to the King enough. 

Things were gray and life was hard and emotions were tense and fear was lingering. I was running on empty and desperately need a refill, recharge, re-ANYTHING. 

But the thing about being a mom is you often don’t get to. You can run run run non-stop and unless you intentionally take time to unplug & re-plug to the Source, change the scenery, you burn out. 

This time in the sun, was my re-plug. 

This time of joy and fun, was our reconnect. 

This break from the every day normal tantrum-filled days at home, was our reset.

I’m not saying this girl will wake up a perfect angel from her nap today... (I’m betting on the opposite to be honest...) but I AM saying that, I feel a bit like a new mama with a full cup & a joy filled heart.

The new surroundings this morning have offered a new perspective. 

And getting a chance to fall in love again with this little girl who I feel has been grinding me into the ground at times, was E X A C T L Y what this mama and her precious girl needed. 

So, my takeaways for me (and maybe for you?)

• Going to bed early has been a REALLY, really good thing for me. Like, SO GOOD YOU GUYS. I might not ever stop.
• Seasons are seasons and if it’s hard, just hold His grip tighter and hang on til it passes. Mine still hasn’t necessarily passed, but the tighter I grip the steadier I feel.
• Stop with the pity-parties of wanting to be pursued, and get out there and find your people. (I had a breakfast date with my sweet friend yesterday & have a dinner date with another tomorrow, kid-free! #goodforthemamasoul 🙌🏽)
• If you are being a beezy to your husband (🙋🏽‍♀️) because the toddler has zapped your patience and you take it out on him, own it and apologize. He will appreciate it and it will foster lots of love in the midst of a stressful time. 
• TEND TO YOUR HEART. TEND TO YOUR SOUL. TEND TEND TEND. Don’t ignore. Don’t stuff. Don’t settle. He hasn’t called you to live on empty, mama. ❤️

A Changed Heart:::

WELP. This isn't the easiest blogpost I've ever written. Nevertheless, it's happening.
If you don't want to find out too much stuff about me (ugly or otherwise), then stop here.
Otherwise... leggo.

Today was SO awesome. TheSend Conference in Orlando, FL happened, where 60,000 people hungry for the Lord came together for 12 hours of worship and prayer. I wanted SO badly to be there but, life. However, they provided a livestream of the FULL event and I have to say that of the 12 hours, I was able to sit and watch probably 8-9 hours of it (Thanks to the worlds best husband who knew I wanted to be there SO badly and took care of most things so I could watch it!) And... wow.

Just wow. It was fire. It was so inspiring and it was a HUGE blessing to be able to engage in prophetic words and join in prayer with some of today's incredible heroes of the faith, like Bill Johnson, Todd White, Daniel Kolenda, Andy Byrd, Loren Cunningham... PHEW. It was rich and Holy Spirit was PRESENT, even in the living room where my sister and I watched! Brought me back to my YWAM days and it was amazing. I felt so challenged and so REFRESHED.
However, throughout the day, the Lord spoke and confirmed some things to me that I wanted to process a bit... so here we are. :)

Before I dive into what He told me, I'm going to rewind a bit to the place I've been the last few months.

I've never been much of a "self-help" person. Yes, personality tests and the overall psychology of the human species really interests me... however, the concepts like, "think happy thoughts" or "wake up and tell yourself one positive affirmation", etc... never really stuck with me. In fact, I found them somewhat annoying, haha!

For whatever reason, the "change your thoughts change your world" mantra in the specific area of self-help never went down deep or impacted me in any way. Although certainly Biblical, I mostly saw this concept immersed in the secular world of bettering yourself, and I think that's mainly why I never cared to take the dive.

However... Holy Spirit recently started to open my eyes to the importance of it all... and it totally caught me off guard! He showed me how... the reality is, I actually AM talking to myself in this way... whether it's positive or negative.
And the more I started to pay attention to what I was saying, the more I realized that my default was NEGATIVE. And it wasn't ok.

That epiphany (slowly) launched me into the "self-help" journey a little bit... although, it was less for "self-help" and more for self-awareness.
I wanted to pay attention to what I was saying to myself.
I wanted to be aware of the way I was being hyper-critical, mean, judgmental, proud, or insecure about myself, and TO myself.
I wanted to leave behind the autopilot thoughts that ruled the day and start thinking with intentionality, positivity, and most of all, TRUTH.
I needed to start thinking with the Truth about who I was, WHO'S I was, and what HE said I was.

So the more I started paying attention the more I started seeing.
There was so much about myself that I didn't like!
There were so many things I wanted to change.
I hated the majority of my reactions to things, that made me mad, scared, jealous or sad.
There was little fruit of the person I truly wanted to be, and TONS of fruit of behavior that I didn't want rooted in my life.
So, I started identifying these things... and so began my self-awareness.
Even though it isn't fun to do this AT ALLLLL... I'm going to list a few things I wanted to change, because hey... I love you, you love me, HE loves us all, and what are we if not real with each other? So here it goes.

- I'm a fearful person. I tend to prepare for the worst as self-protection, and I can certainly dwell on scary scenarios. I'm fearful of something happening to my family. I'm fearful of things I can't control. I'm scared to death of something happening to my kids. My thoughts wander to these scenarios more often than I like, and I hate that I let fear rule so much of my decisions and rob so much of my peace.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, make me a person who completely trusts You."

- I'm a prideful person. Growing up, I identified more with the Pharisees or the older brother of the Prodigal son than the stereotypical "sinners" that a lot of people feel like they are, and the more I became aware of myself, the more I saw it. My default is to be prideful. My "confidence" is a thin veil over my pride. Pride is the ugliest and scariest root. And if we're going to get something out, we first need to be able to be honest and identify what it is. And I want it OUT.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, show me how to be a humble person."

- I'm lazy with relationships. I want to always be intentional, and overall I love showing my love through giving gifts (hello love language!), but it often requires time or money or effort that sometimes... if I'm painfully honest... I don't feel like sacrificing. In tough seasons especially, I find myself making every excuse in the book to not connect (which can be VERY easy to do with two kids!), and don't always enjoy putting forth effort to know someone or be known. I settle for the trendy idea that "making friends as an adult is hard," and am almost always tempted to stop there.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, make me a better friend who pursues at any cost."

- I'm insecure about the way I look. I will poke and prod and highlight my flaws without even thinking twice about what I'm saying to myself. Not in an overly obvious way, but once I started paying attention to my thoughts, I realized that the standard I hold myself to is perfection and I'm incredibly hyper-critical with myself. I will compare myself to others around me and always fall short. There are so many things about my face and body that I hate, and although I can mask this insecurity well, it's definitely taken up a spot in my heart and affects the way I feel about myself. And if I'm supposed to be loving my neighbor like I love myself then... they're in trouble.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, help me to love myself and see myself the way You do."

- I'm easily overwhelmed as a parent. Not always... but sometimes, especially when scary things or hospital visits arrive, I tend to fall apart. And sometimes, when the whining is endless or the baby is going through a clingy/crying/cranky phase, I can lose my patience and snap at my kids. *Gasp*. It's true. And it sucks. I HATE that about myself and as a mother, it's probably what ushers in the most mom-guilt that I'm realizing is all too common but should be fought against with everything in us.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, give me the grace to parent with endless patience."

- I'm apathetic in my relationship with God. Regardless of the time, history, or connection we have (or don't have...), lately especially, I've felt so apathetic in my connection with Him. I don't pay the price to know Him the way I want to. I would never admit this outloud, but if I stepped back and seriously took a look at my life, I would say that I've counted the cost and found it not worth it. Which sounds terrible to say, but we're being real here right? If we're being real, then that's the way I live my life now. I put other things first, above Him, almost every time. And I hate it.
::: So my new heart request, is this: "Lord, make me hunger for more of You, no matter the cost."


These are just a few of the ugly things that, in my journey of self-awareness, have really come into the spotlight of my attention and things I have been really STRIVING TO FIX, MYSELF.

I've been TRYING to be more fearless. I've been TRYING to be more humble. I've been TRYING to be a better friend, to love myself or speak positive truth about myself. I've been TRYING to practice patience with Jolie and Trey (you'd think I'd be amazing at it by now with all the practice I get!) :). TRYING to be more intentional about seeking His face. TRYING to trust Him more, with more.

So much striving. So much about myself that I want to change! I want to be a different person. Not just a BETTER person, but a DIFFERENT person. Fully transformed.
Not behavior modification, but total heart transformation.
I want to be a woman who has these changes spring up from the overflow of my heart, not from some stiff-armed forceful grip of striving to make them happen.

This is where I've been for a few months... in a place of really wanting God to TRANSFORM my heart... to come in, set up shop, and help me tear down these negative things about myself and change me into these things... humble, loving, patient, hungry for You, fully trusting. Filled with His peace. Overflowing with His love. With a default that seeks Him continually and loves others fully.

And then today, He spoke to me about these things that I've wanted to change about myself.
And it wrecked me.
He said,

"Jo, everything you want to be, 

is on the other side of intimacy with Me."

....

Mind and heart simultaneously explode.
How loving is He to show me this today?
How loving is He to remind me of this, in the midst of my striving?

That instead of working hard to make sure my responses and reactions are humble... or that I put the effort to send the text or make the phone call to work on being a better friend... or I stand in front of the mirror and say 3 things I like about my body... or I work hard to have better reactions or responses to Jolie and Trey... or I try hard to sit down and read my Bible without heart engagement... or I try to give myself a pep-talk when I'm faced with a scary situation...
instead of doing ALL. THAT. WORK. to change myself into the person I want to be...

He gently beckons me.
Come to Him. 
Give Him my time, my worries, my fears, my heart.
Let HIM DO THE WORK.
Stop TRYING to be more humble, or thoughtful, or confident, or patient, or intentional, or brave.
Stop TRYING TO DO WHAT ONLY HE CAN DO.
Sure... I can work really hard on my responses. I can stiff-arm myself into having the right reactions.
But what I'm looking for is something deeper, something total, something permanent, and something ONLY HE CAN DO.

And the way I get there, is in the time I spend with Him. 

Everything I want to be is on the other side of intimacy with Jesus. 

Every heart change I desire to have is on the other side of knowing Him.
Every soul transformation I want to obtain is on the other side of being with Him.
Every personality trait I want adjusted is on the other side of spending time with Him.
Every ugly fruit I want uprooted is on the other side of loving Him.
Every nasty reaction I want to overcome is on the other side of sitting with Him.

ALL THE THINGS I WANT CHANGED ABOUT MYSELF, CAN ONLY BE CHANGED TO THE DEGREE THAT I GIVE HIM MY HEART, SEEK HIS FACE AND GIVE HIM MY EVERYTHING.

Want to be more humble? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to be a better friend? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to learn how to love yourself? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to be a better mom? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to be a better wife? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to love others fully? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to have an insatiable hunger for Jesus? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to learn how to fight fear with faith? Get alone with Jesus.
Want to learn how to fully trust a good God? Get alone with Jesus.

You see, I've been trying to superficially change my heart these last few months, but it's been only that... superficial.
The world isn't looking for something skin-deep, they are looking for something that goes all the way through.
And a heart, fully transformed into the likeness of His Son, is only obtained through spending TIME with HIS SON. 

Instead of trying to change yourself - your personality, your reactions, your bad habits, the things that scare you, the way you parent, the things you run to in stress - prioritize intimacy with Jesus above all else.
We become what we worship.
We become what we worship.
We become what we worship.
So, get alone with Him.
Worship Him... no matter the cost... stop trying to change yourself... seek His face, every day, and watch and see what He will do with your messy, broken, repentant, beautiful heart.

Trey's Story:::

So time is flying and my newborn baby has quickly morphed into a three month old!!! Boyyyy has it been a journey. This "fourth trimester" has looked absolutely nothing like it did for my baby girl, and I must say it's been more emotionally challenging (see: many momma tears...) for a lot of reasons... most of which were health reasons that were completely out of my control.

To recap, mainly so I don't forget...

Trey was born 9lbs 10oz, lost a whole pound (sad) within two days of being born due to tongue tie/nursing issues... was 8lbs 9oz at 3 days old. I didn't think I was going to be able to nurse him because he wasn't sucking properly!! :( So after excruciating pain and a very hard decision to stop nursing, I exclusively pumped for the first month of his life until our insurance kicked in that helped cover his lip/tongue tie laser surgery... which was an emotionally difficult decision to make in itself.

Prayers and tears.

THEN.

After a month of having very strange wheezing-like breathing noises while he ate, which we later learned was a noise called "Stridor," we received news from the ENT that he was diagnosed with something called Laryncomalagia... aka he had a floppy larynx/breathing defect that some newborns have "and should grow out of by 18 months old." I was instructed to closely monitor his breathing and report back if he ever had blue spells (skin turned blue around his mouth), white face/lips/hands/feet, or any other sign of breathing difficulty. The diagnosis was supposed to be worse between 3-4 months before it got better, so he said to keep a close eye.

A week passed and he was good... still with stridor, but otherwise normal. Then... I noticed the first blue spell. And then the next and the next. Then I woke up to the sound of my baby boy gasping for air/choking for air in his sleep, a few times every night. It was torturous to hear.

I emailed the Dr. who said he was very concerned and instructed me to come in right away. During the appointment the ENT decided he wanted to get the cardiologist involved. Which, also sucks to hear.
So decisions were made and tests were started and we blue spells were still happening and one very scary passing out/couldn't wake up episode happened on a Tuesday afternoon and I hated pretty much every second of it.
I was terrified of letting him sleep... naps or otherwise. I was terrified of SIDS, of him just stopping breathing in the middle of the night. I was terrified of him losing oxygen to his brain for too long and having brain damage. ALLLLL the things. All the things. The deepest feeling I felt: terror. It was a crappy few weeks.

So he wore an EKG monitor on his back for a week (which made car-seat rides mega fun!) in order to record his heart rhythms and see if there were any irregularities. He got that removed and swapped it out for an O2 monitor. On the first day of wearing his O2 monitor, it dipped to 72 while he was perfectly still sleeping during a nap, and we were instructed to take him immediately to the ER.

Prayers and tears.


Smack dab in the middle of all this craziness... God was up to something. Our new church home has  been in a sermon series called "Facing the Giants: Stories of real people overcoming real obstacles."
It's about facing the giants in our lives (eg: a tough situation, a bad relationship, a difficult temptation or struggle, ourselves and our fears, etc.) and what to do with them.

Throughout the majority of the series (that had been going on for even before Trey was born), I felt like there wasn't one blatantly obvious "giant" that I was facing in my life. We heard testimonies of people who were going through the RINGER and who were really impacted by this series... but I remember just feeling like it wasn't necessarily "the series for me."
All great info, fantastic reminders, beautiful truth... stuff that I'm sure I'd need to go back and tap into some day..... a day far, far away... but no giants were needing to be slain. At least not at that point. Stainbacks are good.

Then crap hit the fan. With Doctors visits and Hospital visits and ER visits and zero answers.

The Stainbacks were no longer good.

Suddenly. quite literally out of nowhere, I was faced with this huge ugly unexpected giant, and it clouded my view. It taunted me relentlessly. It fed my fears through playing the "worst case what-if" scenarios in my imagination. My thoughts felt out of control, my emotions felt out of control and my fears felt out of control

I prayed through tears almost before every nap/bed time, asking the Lord to sustain His breath while he slept.

I prayed through tears while he was awake and had another blue spell, praying for wholeness and health in his body and brain.

I prayed through tears while he nursed and made the wheezing sound, asking for God to heal his airway.

I prayed through tears every time we drove in the car and he slept in the carseat, that the angle of his cute chubby neck wouldn't make it more difficult for him to breathe.

I prayed through tears that his heart wasn't working too hard during his crying episodes where his chest and lungs had visible retraction.

I'm sure many many others can relate on an even more extreme level (to which, my heart entirely goes out to you!)... that it's one thing for something crappy to happen to YOU, but when it happens to your kid... its literally the worst. A new level of helpless. A new level of heartache. And this was new ground for me, a new situation to maneuver and I was terrified. This giant was all I saw... thought about... researched... look at.

It was in my way- in my face- and totally blocked my view of the SON.

But, He wasn't far away. He never is.

On October 21st, smack dab in the middle of the giant view... we got to dedicate Trey to Jesus. The Son. Dedicating our son to His son.

It was awesome for so many reasons... it's so awesome to be able to dedicate our children to the Lord. To be able to INTENTIONALLY stand up before your church family and say, "we intend, as parents, to raise our child to know and trust Jesus. We will intentionally speak about the Lord to them. We will teach them the ways of God. We won't just accidentally raise them, but we make it our mission to dedicate this child to God and commit, for the rest of their days, to walk with God ourselves and lead them to do the same."

How cool is that? What an honor as parents. What a joy. I love this part and this very heavy responsibility of parenting. I love that God is co-laboring with us and actually INCLUDES us in HIS shaping and nurturing and growing and loving these kiddos. We're a part of the plan, a bigger part than we probably deserve... but He includes us nonetheless. To hugely impact another SOUL. Wow. What a privilege.

Another reason why it was so awesome to dedicate Trey was because we did it in our new church, with our new church Ohana. On this particular day, our pastor (who we love) preached an awesome sermon that hit my heart so unexpectedly. Looking back, it was perfectly timed and perfectly needed for where we were, what we had been through, and what we were going to go through just 4 days later with the ER visit. (God's timing is always perfect!)

To summarize, he discussed the importance of worshipping, and most importantly the importance of worshipping before, during, and after the battle. Of course I've heard this before... I'm a worship leader, have grown up in churches that love to worship God and have been captured by all things having to do with worship. It's important to me. And I've heard this before. I've heard the story of the worshippers leading the troops into battle... blasting their sound, and the Lord using that to defeat the enemy.

Worship is a tool. Worship is a weapon. Worship reminds us of who we are and who HE is.

And no matter what, I will always choose to worship in the face of the giant. I will proclaim truth, and I will fight for truth for my kids. Yielding my weapon that is a melody in the face of fear or uncertainty. Thank You Jesus for leaving us with this hope we have in You.

Craving the NEW:::

Sitting here, almost a YEAR since my last post (how lame sauce is that!) and I'm just amazed at, you know, the speed of time. I feel like all I did was blink. I blinked and our baby girl went from crawling to walking to running. I blinked and we moved from NJ, after 5 beautiful amazing years, to an island in the middle of the Pacific that I always dreamed I would call home. I blinked and our daughter turned two, 2 weeks before we welcomed our beautiful SON into the world. That's three blinks, if I'm counting right...

I blinked and life is just passing by and I can't say I'm stoked about that. All of it, just a vapor. There are (hard) days that I can't wait to end, but most of the time the overwhelming feeling I have is wishing I could STOP AND SAVOR the time.

I wish I could bottle up this season, where my beautiful girl is in full-on blossom mode... bursting with new words, in love with people and in LOVE with her baby brother. Pushing boundaries, testing patience and in full-on toddler mode! 

I wish I could bottle up this season, of teeny newborn snuggles, because in 7 weeks he has already gained almost 5lbs... and he was almost 10lbs to begin with! Our boy is so big and snuggly and precious and truly, there is something special about boys because I've felt absolutely SMITTEN with him since his rapid arrival at the end of July... SEVEN WEEKS AGO!

What in the world. 

These weeks have been an absolute blur if I'm honest. For the most part, we've had our house full of beloved friends and family since MAY, and it's been such a huge blessing because the people we saw got to host were some of our favorite people on the planet!!! Waddling around the island at 9 months pregnant with some of our best friends was a memory I will treasure forever.

Then, for these first 6 weeks of baby boy's life, we've had our parents come and help carry the load which has also been a tremendous blessing. We are spoiled rotten and loved so well and even when the imperfect days can be difficult, I know better than to not thank Jesus for the blessing of incredible people we call framily because I know not everyone has parents who love them enough to drop everything and come out to change diapers, fold laundry, cook meals and spoil your toddler for 6-8 weeks! A tangible love. A precious love. The unconditional love of FAMILY. Not perfect, not stress-free, not always easy, but so full of love. And I'm so thankful for it. 

But here I am... on technically day 3 of running this show (circus?) on my own... all our family help is gone and here I am... with two babies napping (hurray for miracles!)... listening to Desperation Band's "SOAK" on repeat... and I guess why I'm writing is because I'd like to (and NEED TO!) process and share a few of the things I'm currently craving in this season. 

In the season of a newborn and a toddler, there isn't much time for... anything? Much less time to sit and just... think. Whatever down time I have, the last thing I want to do is sit in stillness and meditate and do nothing. The rarity of down time is usually full because there is a house to clean and laundry to fold and if nothing else, NAPS to be taken because Lord knows this lack of sleep thing ain't my cup o' tea. And to be fair, the phone and all the social things on it serve as a welcome distraction from my wifely duties on a regular basis. 

But if I quiet my heart long enough to listen to it, I know I'm craving something. A lot of things. But the thing I think I'm craving most... above extra time and extra arms and extra sleep and an extra cook... is intentional stillness. I'm craving the sweet silence and the waiting. Because, I know that He's in the waiting. He's longing to be found by me and I'm craving that time with Him. And if I'm REALLY honest, like... brutal mom honest... sometimes, I crave the desire to crave that time with Him. 

Does that make sense? Sometimes, I WANT to WANT to be with Him. 

In fact, I think I've been in that place a whole lot this year. I find myself in survival mode and then set myself on autopilot and for me, autopilot = NUMB.
Numb to Him, numb to the condition of my heart, numb to everything besides keeping my child(s) alive, trying to make my husband happy and trying to cook a dinner or do something like that during the week. :)

Numb, yet charging forward every day. 

Numb, yet full throttle in every other area of my life... wearing all the hats, correcting all the bad toddler behaviors and nursing the baby all the hours of the day (it feels like). 

Numb... yet life hasn't paused. So I'm living the continual life, in NUMB.

Numb does not equal STILL. Numb does not equal REST. Numb does not equal SATISFACTION. And numb NEVER ends up being a good thing for me. But here we are, in the cycle of full throttle numb survival autopilot mode aka the season of the newborn and 2 year old. And I think if you fly on autopilot long enough, eventually you'll crash and burn, SOMEWHERE. 

And right now as I'm juggling the babies and new roles and schedules and chores and priorities, I've found that I'm NUMB and when I'm NUMB I do NOT fight for my heart. I do NOT live with intentionality (that should be a word.) every day of pursuing stillness, loving myself, tending to the garden of my heart and being in the waiting and seeking Him THERE. And I'm craving that, all of that, so dearly. And I'm convinced that something needs to change before it crashes and burns. 

And I KNOW this... ugh, I know all of this, and maybe you know this? Maybe you've been there, or are there? How do we do it as moms? How do we tend to the well of our hearts so intentionally and dearly, while the demands of everything we do require us to withdraw from the well continually? Pour pour pour, with no fill? How can we keep giving something we don't have? How can we prioritize being kind to ourselves and loving ourselves when we are constantly face to face with feelings of failure or unworthiness... failure as a mom, house-cleaner, wife, or friend? How do we keep the important things the important things? How do we fight for intentionality (I'm making it a word.) in the way we live, love, manage our time and household? How do we transfer from survival/autopilot mode to Jesus mode? 

I'm no expert, and honestly I'm still wondering how. I've rarely seen this "dance of balance" done well, however I think when I pay attention to what I'm deeply craving, there is truth in it. I'm craving the awakening in the waiting. Seeking the holy in the mundane moments of motherhood.

The worthy fight is the fight for my heart. The fight against survival mode, the fight against numbness and apathy. The fight against letting life speed on by without grabbing hold of Him in the every day. And I think part of the fight is found in the discipline of surrendering to the stillness.

Fighting for my heart happens, for me, in:

- Discipline. 

- Surrender. 

- Making space. 

A few months ago, the Lord spoke to me through a beautiful song called "New Wine" written and sung by my favorite favorite favorite, Brooke Fraser. The first time I heard the bridge, I basically broke down because I knew He was speaking to me. 

"Where there is new wine 

there is new power!

There is new freedom, and the Kingdom is here. 

I lay down my old flames to carry Your new fire today."

For the majority of my walk with Christ, I've been able to "feel", "access", "tap into", HIM through a lot of the same ol' ways. Regardless what life looked like... a solid worship set in my car brought me to tears and straight to His feet again. Reading a verse or two once or twice a week awakened my heart to Him again. Listening to a sermon a couple times a week made me feel connected. The weekly blessed gathering called CHURCH always reignited my heart towards Him again. 

But... as we've moved into this new season, new state, new phase of life called parenting... when I've had the sacred moments of paying attention... I've found, if I'm honest with myself, those ways don't work anymore. I could listen to a million good worship songs, a hundred sermons, continue to go to church weekly but yet STILL feel NUMB to HIM. 

When I heard this song, I felt like the Lord was so plainly and lovingly telling me, "Yes. The old way doesn't work anymore. It's time for New Wine."

Since then, He's confirmed this truth to me in a few different ways. 

He's said,  "The season of you coasting by on the familiar, the accidental or unintentional, is over. I want to take you to a deeper level with Me, even now in the busy and beautiful season I've given you called motherhood. Even when time seems scarce and sacred, I want to be found by You. I want to meet you in the quiet. Not in a passing worship song for five minutes in the car... but in the intentional, sought after and set apart time you make for Me. Even when you are busy, exhausted, at your limit or in a dry place. Your physical obedience will bring forth a spiritual breakthrough, You will seek Me and find me when you seek Me with your whole heart. Where there is new wine, there is new power and freedom. Lay down your old flame and take up My new fire again." 

I'm craving this. I'm craving this.

As a new mom with no time and seemingly no SPACE to seek this... and sometimes no DESIRE to seek this... I want this. I want Him. I'm want Him NEW. 

NOT in the old ways I found Him. 

NOT in the same places I found Him. 

NOT in the familiar "methods" I found Him. 

I'm craving the NEW. New power, new freedom. A new flame. A new heart. 

And it's something I'm willing to fight for. 

And to be honest, I think this is such a beautiful fight that will mean so much to Him. 

Knowing Him... knowing how He loves me and wants to be with me more than I want to be with Him... I tear up just thinking about how much He will meet me in this time if I go forth in obedience to what He has told me. 

He knows I'm not giving Him something that costs me nothing. 

He knows that my fighting for stillness, quiet, getting full and being intentional - in this season of mommy-ing - is a sacrifice. 

A WORTHY sacrifice, but a sacrifice nonetheless. And a sacrifice that will be so minuscule in comparison to what I will gain... HIM.

He knows. And knowing Him I believe He will honor that with His presence, His power, His New Wine. A new season of renewed closeness... with no distance in between us.
longing for that... even though my days feel like my own body isn't my own as it gets tugged on and smothered by a nursing newborn and snuggly toddler who's love language is clearly physical touch... :) Even though sometimes I just want to feel like, NOT TOUCHED... having a closeness with Him with no distance in between is something so beautiful to me. So rejuvenating and freeing and so THE WAY WE WERE CREATED. It's beautiful to think about.

It's worth the fight. To be fully alive.

Discipline. Surrender. Making space. Rejecting the numb, the autopilot, the ordinary. Fighting for my heart. All while keeping the little people alive. :) 

Not in my (non-existent...) strength, but Christ in me. Holy Spirit power in me. In YOU. Because it's not about being the best mom I can be, I really think it's about being the most like Him that I can be. Which, of course, ends up being my best self... but shooting for the one, gets you nothing... and shooting for the latter, gets you both. Hallelujah.