::They say it better than most::

Bethany Dillon and Brooke Fraser... favorites.


"For My Love" - BD
Walk towards me
I want to hear the heavens singing over you
When you breathe,
And look at me,

I want to be captured by you.

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight thousands, for my love.
Slip your hand in mine,
Ask me to dance with you tonight.
Just ask me for my love.

I want to hide what’s deep in my eyes...
I’m scared to be known by you.
But when I turn my head,
And see you there,
I want to be pursued.

Gaze into my eyes,
And let me know you’d fight thousands, for my love.
Slip your hand in mine,
Ask me to dance with you tonight,
Just ask me for my love.

A dream I won’t wake from.
A story that will never end.
The ground your feet walk on,
Let me be there, let me be there.

"Are You Sure?" - BD
I've written you a lot of songs
The kind you write on rainy days
Unrequited love
But now I'm humming a different tune
Just twelve hours ago I was sitting on a bench with you
I've never heard of something that sweet
But are you sure you want me?

I tried to say, "I want this to work,"
And yet take off the weight...
If you change your mind, I won't hurt forever
Because I don't know what else to do.
But I'd do anything to have three more hours on a bench with you.
I've never heard of something that sweet
But are you sure you want me?

Everything within me doesn't want to risk,
Doesn't want to risk anymore.
But if it means I get to see the light in your eyes
I'll risk so much more.
I've never heard of something that sweet.
But are you sure you want me?

I won't be full of second guesses...
So now I'll just sit and think about how sweet it is.

"Love Is Waiting" - BF (favorite)
In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds,
I am thinking signs and seasons...
while a north wind blows through.

I watch as lovers pass me by,
Walking stories - "whos and hows and whys..."
Musing lazily on love...
Pondering you.

I'll give it time, give it space...

I'll be still for a spell.
When it's time to walk that way,
we wanna walk it well.

I'll be waiting for you baby,
I'll be holding back the darkest night.
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right.
Love is waiting.

It's my caution, not the cold.
there's no other hand that i would rather hold.
The climate changes,
I'm singing for strangers about you.
Dont keep time, slow the pace.
Honey hold on if you can.
The bets are getting surer now,
that you're my man.

I could write a million songs about the way you say my name.
I could live a lifetime with you, and then do it all again.
And like I can't force the sun to rise, or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

"Without You" - BF
The sky opens up over me and you,
And you don't seem to mind that we're soaked through.
You kiss me in the rain, I forget what I'm moaning about.
And I know I wouldn't be the same without you.
I wouldn't be the same without you
I wouldn't be the same without you

I laugh at my own jokes and what I deem to be clever wit,
And you don't seem to mind that I'm so stupid.
You kiss me once again, I forget what I'm babbling about...
And I know I wouldn't be the same without you.

I couldn't replicate your touch, or love anyone again this much.
But I wouldn't be the same without you.
I wouldn't be the same
I wouldn't be the same
I wouldn't be the same without you
Without you
Without you
Without you

"Still In Love" - BF
I'm not hanging on your every word
I'm thriving on my self-sufficiency
I'm not listening to the things I've heard
About me and you

People think there must be something
to the way I talk about you every chance I get
But if I think about you night and day
Doesn't mean I'm ready yet

Maybe I am knee-deep in denial
Or maybe I'm just trying to move on
Maybe I should keep away awhile
But if distance is right I'd rather be wrong

Because I love the way you're smiling at me
When you know it's true
I'm still in love with you
And I love the way you're really trying
Not to let me see
You're still in love with me too

I am way to proud to verbalize my feelings
And you are way to mean if you just let this brew
It's a complicated hand that you've been dealing
Time to win me over: fold and make your move

Smooth some calm over this situation
I can't get past the way I feel for you
It's the little things that make this worth the effort
It's the small, little, insignificant things you do
That make me love the way you're glancing, hoping
When you know it's true
I'm still in love with you
And I love that I'm barely coping
When you let me see
You're still in love with me too
In love, still in love withIn love, still in love with
In love, still in love with you

"You Could Be The One" - BD
Could I talk to you sometime this afternoon?
About some things I know I'm reading into
Because you and me come at this differently
And I'm just trying to be honest with you
Now that I've found you in the most unexpected places
You were right in front of my face
You could be the one that I could hold on to forever, hold on to forever
You could be the one

Yeah, I get it
Go change the subject
But I can't forget how much this seems to fit
When you feel this way
Everything sounds so cliche
But I'll try to explain my side of this

Now that I've found you in the most unexpected places
You were right in front of my face
You could be the one that I could hold on to forever, hold on to forever
You could be the one

Maybe you are the kind that doesn't want to say it
I should just let you be
But maybe if I spoke up that would be enough
To give my mind some peace
You could be the one that I could hold on to forever, hold on to forever
You could be
You could be the one that I could hold on to forever, hold on to forever
You could be the one,
You could be the one

"When You Love Someone" - BD
This morning was a fight to get up
Those words still ringing in my head
Never felt like such a fool in front of anyone
I guess that's what you do when you love someone

I was in Nashville, you were driving home
I wish I'd been in the passenger seat
I just needed you to know that I'm coming undone
That's what you do when you love someone

If I fall, I'll try a little harder and get back up
Please stay by me, love
That's what you do when you love someone
That's what you do when you love someone

Just give me time, if you need more
There's no way to ever really know
How to protect yourself or predict the outcome
But you'll do anything when you love someone
You'll do anything when you love someone

If I fall, I'll try a little harder and get back up
Please stay by me, love
That's what you do when you love someone
That's what you do when you love someone

I just hung up the phone
You've got a way of changing my day
You proved me wrong
When I was convinced I was alone
Yeah, that's what you do when you love someone

If I fall, I'll try a little harder and get back up
Please stay by me, love
That's what you do when you love someone
That's what you do when you love someone

"Waste Another Day" - BF
Don't you say it's too early
Baby I don't wanna waste the day
When we've got everything on our side
And nothing in our way

We can do what we wanna
'Cos today the world is ours
Nothing gray, just real time and color
In which to whittle away the hours

We could speak 'til nothing's left unspoken
We could drive 'til we've run out of road
We could drink 'til we've emptied the ocean

But I'd be happy here
Happy just to hold you
Til the suns and planets disappear
I could stay in your arms all year
Even if that means infinity through.

If being productive is being with you
Then baby I don't want to waste another day
I'll shout aloud what I'm feeling
Let my tongue be still no more
Now I know that it's the real thing
Just try and keep me quiet about it

Oh... 'Cos we could stare until we both are blinded
We could fall 'til gravity gets tired
We could lose our love just to re-find it
But I'm just happy here
Happy staying beside you

::Psalms::

"Lord, I have given up my pride and turned away from my arrogance.

I am not concerned with great matters,

or with subjects too difficult for me.

Instead, I am

content and at peace;

as a child lies quietly in its

mothers' arms, so my heart is quiet within me.

Israel,

trust in the Lord!

Now and forever!"

~Psalms 131

::Connections::

It's amazing how the Kingdom of God works. Connections, connections, connections, people.

Who would've thought that I would have a conversation over the phone with a girl named Britany Chaney who I heard about last friday at the Mill from a girl named Erin Conner who I met randomly a few months ago because she recognized me from some pictures of me and a mutual friend, named Jill Robshaw (now McCloghry), who I met about 5 years ago at a church retreat and who now lives in Australia!!
Who would've thought that this girl that I talked to on the phone.... (brought together through all these random connections of people separated by miles of oceans and miles of time....) would be used by God in my life right now and meet me right where my heart is at and encourage me closer to Him.

Ahhhh! So thankful to You, Lord!

Remember how in the last blog I mentioned how God had been doing a little work in me, and I'd explain after a little more refinement had taken place? Well, I'm still in the process of this "burning away the ugly," but I'm going to sort my thoughts out a bit and explain whats going on in my heart.

A few weeks ago, at the Desperation Conference, I was worshipping the God of the ages with Leeland leading the way, and I really sensed His Spirit and presence in that worshipful moment more than I had in a long more... )kinda like I had sensed it back in my highschool days... Wednesday nights at _tag.) (God bless _tag!)

Well it was in that moment of worship where I started to pray, what my old youth pastor Brent Parsley likes to call, "dangerous prayers."
You know, the "Lord, stretch me. Use me. Break me. Move me. Change my heart" type of prayers... very dangerous.
(Think about it. Those words basically instigate an invitation for God to roam freely in your heart, to the deepest darkest corners of your soul, and literally clean house. Very dangerous... at times very painful... but very worth the end result.)

So I stood there. Those dangerous words spouting from my mouth... me knowing the whole time what I was in for and praying for God to bring those prayers to pass and that work to completion in my life.

Well. Lets just say He's definitely been answering those prayers.
I've been noticing more and more ugly in my life that needs to stop being ugly and start looking more like Jesus.

So much insecurity... so much doubt and lack of faith in my God... so much selfishness in my relationships with friends and my family.... so much worry.... so much pride....

So much ugly.

It also hurts when you start to realize those things have probably been lurking around in your life for a while... but you just denied them or were too proud to notice and deal with them.

Those things in my life need to go, and I'm glad the Lord revealed them to me. They stand in the way of complete joy and security that I have in even KNOWING Christ.
They stand in the way of having the best relationships I possibly can have with my boyfriend, friends, and family.
The people around me know that I need to change the ugly... but whats so amazing, is that God shows me He loves me through the way people in my life love me! The way they are so patient with my emotions, the way they hold me, stroke my hair, and tell me they're not going anywhere. The way they love me is such a perfect parallel and representation of God's love for me. It's humbling.

I hate that sometimes I deal with so much insecurity... (insecurity that was maybe built up from a previous relationship or negative situation)... that I sometimes doubt and struggle with believing and accepting love from the people that love me, and that I love, the most. Sometimes I just straight up hate the way I look. Sometimes I find me comparing myself to other people... whether comparing the physical, personality, relationships, etc.... and its all in a negative way. Sometimes I struggle with trusting the people I love, the God that I love.

Worry has also been a constant companion to me over the past few weeks...
"Whats going to happen to my relationships when I go to YWAM?"
"What does guarding your heart actually mean? How do I apply that to my relationship?"
"How am I going to get money to fund my trip?"

I'm literally psychoanalyzing every situation to come, and trying to solve "future problems" in my life... before they even exist! (IF they ever will exist!)
It's honestly the most twisted method of guarding your heart any person could've ever invented.
Like, for instance, my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm already anticipating missing him terribly while I'm gone... and that anticipation alone makes me sad... TODAY... even tho he's still here with me. (??) Confusing? Ya I dunno.

I'm crazy.

But I remember praying to God that I wouldn't be a person thats driven solely on emotions. I want to be driven and live my life according to HIS truth... not my emotions or feelings or what I believe to be true of myself at the time.

My friend Sally Ward Knepper (A friend that I also randomly met through a connection with Jill... soo crazy...) :) emailed me earlier this week and what she had to say really touched my heart and blessed me with this situation I'm dealing with in my life right now.

"The Bible was and is and always will be true. We must believe what the Bible says about us above our thoughts and feelings. What I was experiencing were lies from the devil who was trying to keep me in bondage. We often feel and "hear" things that are contrary to what the Bible says, but if we decide to believe the Bible over our thoughts and feelings, we can conquor any problem we face...... It took me applying God’s Word to my life by believing what it said about me above my feelings. For the first time I was able to experience true freedom from my problems. And I have never gone back. Sure, the devil has brought old thoughts back to me to try to discourage me, but now I know the truth. I can laugh at those thoughts now because I know in my heart who God says I am is the only thing that matters."

TRUTH!!
I want to be so grounded in that.
I'm tired of worrying about whether or not I'm going to go through another break up and have another broken heart... whether or not I'm as pretty as my boyfriends previous girlfriend... whether or not I always have the right words to say in every situation that my friends or family might be going through....

I want to live my life as a woman defined by God. Created by God. Knit together by God. Serving God for the rest of my life.


Talking to Britany today was SUCH a God-thing.
Try to imagine how awkward it must've been to never have seen/met someone in person... only through a mutual friend that you haven't even seen in 5 years... but to hear about this girl and how she did a DTS and worked on YWAM staff for the past two years... email and tell her you'd like to talk to her about YWAM if she ever go the chance... have her email you back with her number to call.... you call her and introduce yourself over the phone for the very first time... EVER.... did I mention you've never met her before... and she lives in Hawaii and you live in Colorado???
Can you just picture the awkwardness??

Well. It wasn't like that at all. :) Ha.
From the get-go, Britany was sweet, and SO welcoming to me and any questions I had. We ended up talking for about 25 minutes or so... and you have no idea how much I was blessed through that conversation.

This girl has a heart for the Lord and for missions that did nothing but encourage me to chase after Him with everything that's in me.
We told each other a little about ourselves... she explained a lot of the YWAM world to me and what I should be expecting over those 6 months... I explained to her how excited I was and some of the stuff I'd been going through.... we laughed at the fact that we both have Billy's... :) .... and she just really spoke truth over my life.
God spoke through her in ways she probably doesn't even realize. She mentioned things that were so close to my heart... things like how she had "such a distaste for the ordinary life..." (!!!!!!!!) That is something I've been feeling SO strongly, it's insane!! God spoke that to me.
She encouraged me with Psalms 131 and Colossians 3:2... that is, setting my mind on things above. Trying to view life from a Kingdom perspective, an idea I've always known... but an idea that I really needed to be reminded of right now.

Ah. So many blessings. So much truth!!

So, we got off the phone, and I felt like I've known her forever. After sharing our hearts with each other, she prayed over me and my life and my relationship with Billy, and left me completely hungry to know the Lord better.

It's random situations like these that make me laugh at how funny, and SO IN CONTROL, my God is.

He knew I needed this.
He knew I needed to speak to someone who'd lived the life that I'll be living here in about 1 month, He knew I needed the encouragement.
He knew I needed a friend who would be able to relate with what I was about to get into, kinda opening the way a little bit and easing some doubts.
He knew I needed a friend who was walking SO in His will and who was in a hot pursuit of Him, who would encourage me to do the same.

He knew, He knew, He KNOWS!!
God is so in control!!
He knows whats going to happen with me and Billy.
He knows whats going to happen at YWAM.
He knows I need to change the ugly...

He knows, He knows, He knows!! (I should write a song.) He understands. He sees what I don't. He has His best intentions for me... and He will fulfill His purpose in my life!!

So, that means, I'll rest.
I'll let Him take this time in my life... this last month or so I have before YWAM... to refine me. To break me and mold me into something that looks a little more like Him. To prepare me for all He has for me over the next 6 months. I'll trust Him to do a mighty work of patience and trust in both Billy and I.

I'm excited for the end results:)

I'm so grateful I serve a real God who's not just a piece of wood or gold. A God who loves me. Who interacts and is so evident in my life. A God who holds me in His hands and will never let me go... regardless of how many times I fall... get back up... fall... get back up....

God is so good.

___________________________________________________________
Reading: "Pursuit of Man" - AW Tozer, Romans
Listening: "Desert Song" - Jill and Brooke Fraser.

::Updates::

I haven't written a blog in a while and I feel like writing one... so... here you go. :)



So. Let's start with some....

Weekly updates: One of my best friends named Laura finally came back on Sunday from 6 months of world missions with YWAM!! We picked her up at the airport and totally surprised her... it was basically amazing. :) (You gotta love PW airport surprises...)



I've been staying busy working 32+ hrs a week at the Credit Union. I love working here... but my last day is definitely on September 3rd... as I'm going on my own little YWAM adventure!! It's gonna be so exciting. I will be living in Honolulu for 3 months... and then somewhere else for the last three!! (I started another blog about it... where I will be updating YWAM info. Look into my profile for that blog!) I'm so excited... 6 months with absolutely nothing familiar except my Savior. Looking forward to the victories and struggles that are coming in that period of my life... it should be a very "growing" stage for me.



Um... so my best friend has been in Atlanta for the past couple weeks and I miss him so much.
:( I hate being away from him. This boy is pretty much the most amazing blessing in my life right now and I hate leaving him! Then I have to do it again for 6 months... Long distance relationship. I think that might be one of the hardest things I have to deal with while being away at YWAM. He's in the Air Force though, so I guess we just have to get used to it eh? We have to be patient and view this time as "practice" for our relationship... and embrace it as so.


God is teaching me a lot about myself. Some of its been very painful to face, some of it is really humbling. But I'm growing through it. And won't stop. But those topics call for another post... on another day. After a little more refining has taken place in my heart.

::: Peace-needy:::

I think it has just about everything to do with worry.

I hate worry. And doubt.

I wish I would just free myself from those things forever and live in this perfect, secure utopia... you always know whats up, whats down, and you never worry about those solid secure things in life ever changing and in turn, messing up that perfect, security.



Every decision you make in life is a risk. Some risks are so worth taking. Others aren't as much and leave you a very broken person. The risks worth taking might not even be considered risks at all if you come at them from the angle of fear, doubt, and worry. Constantly watching your every step and every move. Constantly "guarding your heart."

Honestly sometimes I hate that term.

But right now I must go... and resolve this issue later. I leave you with this though:

God is good. No amount of worry, stress, risk, will ever change the fact that He is in control. Jesus offers peace... not like the type of peace that the world gives... but supernatural, REAL, TRUE, peace that only can come from Him and that will leave you statisfied and in awe. Search it out. And know.

::In every season::

"All of my life,
in every season
You are still God!
I have a reason to sing.
I have a reason to worship!

I will bring praise, I will bring praise!!
No weapon formed against me shall remain!
I will rejoice, I will declare,
God is my victory and He is here."

THESE are the lyrics I've had in my head all day. Since watching my dear friend Jill McCloghry gave her testimony about one of the toughest times in her life, and then watching her STILL record the "Desert Song" on Hillsong United's newest album, I've been humbled and so grateful. Watch this:





Amazing no? It in a sense.... brought me back.

:)

I've been wading in this water of complete complacency lately. Not boredom, necessarily, but not "fired up" either. Just.... blah.
But it's been a GOOD blah in a sense...
(Ok I'm REALLY not starting to make any sense right now... let me try to explain.)

You know that time in your life when you're not really SUPER HUNGRY, but you still love Him and desire Him? You're just, complacent. Not striving, running after Him, seeking Him with your whole heart, but definitely still loving Him and keeping Him in a "close friend" range? (That is, talking to Him every once in a while, remembering Him, and still singing to Him whenever a worship song comes on your ipod.)

That's where I've been with God. Which, honestly, isn't at all where I want to be.
But the thing is that it's hard to REALLY seek after God, still always hungering and striving after Him, when everything in your life is going AMAZING!!

Stuff with family... altho a little tougher in June, has recently been awesome with parents working out a lot of issues. Granted, it's not perfect, (hello it never will be,) but it's definitely been a LOT better. Praise Jesus!

Things with friends has also been a lot better. It's so hard to have people in your life and you care SO much about, feel like you are too busy to give a crap about them. I think that's how my friends have been feeling recently because I really am so busy with work, it's easy to put them on the back-burner. But, that's not at ALL how I want important people in my life to feel. I love these girls, so so much, my friends mean so much to me and are such treasures in my life. I love them SO much and want them to know and feel how much I love them. So... I've been making more of an effort, putting aside more time to be with them and it's been awesome!!

ON TOP of all these amazing things... I've recently started dating this guy. (We'll call him Billy.) :) He's.... *sigh*..... amazing to say the least. He's made me so happy and really blessed my life. He pursued me (relentlessly.... and we all know how I feel about that. *wink*) from the beginning of our relationship, and has really been the leader of it ever since. He is constantly reminding me of how much he cares about me, and always makes me feel special. (SO SO special!) We have the most AMAZING time together, we could be driving in a car, taking a walk, or having a nice 2.5 hour conversation over chick-fil-a and have so much fun together just talking and being sarcastic. We just have fun! He's awesome. He swept me off my feet and I wanna keep him. :)

SO ya. Life's been awesome. I'm so happy. But I'm glad to be back. I have to continually learn to pursue the Lord actively.... whether I'm in a tough, needy point in my life, or on the top of the world!!
He's the most faithful, consistent person in my life.
Through every blessing I've received, He's the only one that stays.
Everything I am, and everything I wanna be, is to and through and for Him alone.
He's my rock.
He's my first love. I always want Him to sit and reign on the throne of my heart... regardless of how many extra people I let into it. :)

I want to constantly yield my life to Him, please Him in EVERYTHING I do, and never let my standard fall away from all He's called me to be.

Yes, I love being at needy points in my life, (to an extent of course.) I love being broken and SO in desperate need of Him. But at the same time... I love being happy!
But the thing is that in the happy times, when so many things are going right and it's easy to, not forget, but kinda put God on the back-burner.... its in THOSE times that I want to seek His face even more diligently.
The highs and lows.... the ups and downs.... the happy and sad.... He's still reigning on the throne forever and I still want Him to be on the throne of my heart forever and ever.

All of my life,
in every season,
You are still God!
I have a reason to sing.
I have a reason to worship!

Needless to say... I'm SO looking forward to worshipping Him at theMill tonight. :)