::Connections::

It's amazing how the Kingdom of God works. Connections, connections, connections, people.

Who would've thought that I would have a conversation over the phone with a girl named Britany Chaney who I heard about last friday at the Mill from a girl named Erin Conner who I met randomly a few months ago because she recognized me from some pictures of me and a mutual friend, named Jill Robshaw (now McCloghry), who I met about 5 years ago at a church retreat and who now lives in Australia!!
Who would've thought that this girl that I talked to on the phone.... (brought together through all these random connections of people separated by miles of oceans and miles of time....) would be used by God in my life right now and meet me right where my heart is at and encourage me closer to Him.

Ahhhh! So thankful to You, Lord!

Remember how in the last blog I mentioned how God had been doing a little work in me, and I'd explain after a little more refinement had taken place? Well, I'm still in the process of this "burning away the ugly," but I'm going to sort my thoughts out a bit and explain whats going on in my heart.

A few weeks ago, at the Desperation Conference, I was worshipping the God of the ages with Leeland leading the way, and I really sensed His Spirit and presence in that worshipful moment more than I had in a long more... )kinda like I had sensed it back in my highschool days... Wednesday nights at _tag.) (God bless _tag!)

Well it was in that moment of worship where I started to pray, what my old youth pastor Brent Parsley likes to call, "dangerous prayers."
You know, the "Lord, stretch me. Use me. Break me. Move me. Change my heart" type of prayers... very dangerous.
(Think about it. Those words basically instigate an invitation for God to roam freely in your heart, to the deepest darkest corners of your soul, and literally clean house. Very dangerous... at times very painful... but very worth the end result.)

So I stood there. Those dangerous words spouting from my mouth... me knowing the whole time what I was in for and praying for God to bring those prayers to pass and that work to completion in my life.

Well. Lets just say He's definitely been answering those prayers.
I've been noticing more and more ugly in my life that needs to stop being ugly and start looking more like Jesus.

So much insecurity... so much doubt and lack of faith in my God... so much selfishness in my relationships with friends and my family.... so much worry.... so much pride....

So much ugly.

It also hurts when you start to realize those things have probably been lurking around in your life for a while... but you just denied them or were too proud to notice and deal with them.

Those things in my life need to go, and I'm glad the Lord revealed them to me. They stand in the way of complete joy and security that I have in even KNOWING Christ.
They stand in the way of having the best relationships I possibly can have with my boyfriend, friends, and family.
The people around me know that I need to change the ugly... but whats so amazing, is that God shows me He loves me through the way people in my life love me! The way they are so patient with my emotions, the way they hold me, stroke my hair, and tell me they're not going anywhere. The way they love me is such a perfect parallel and representation of God's love for me. It's humbling.

I hate that sometimes I deal with so much insecurity... (insecurity that was maybe built up from a previous relationship or negative situation)... that I sometimes doubt and struggle with believing and accepting love from the people that love me, and that I love, the most. Sometimes I just straight up hate the way I look. Sometimes I find me comparing myself to other people... whether comparing the physical, personality, relationships, etc.... and its all in a negative way. Sometimes I struggle with trusting the people I love, the God that I love.

Worry has also been a constant companion to me over the past few weeks...
"Whats going to happen to my relationships when I go to YWAM?"
"What does guarding your heart actually mean? How do I apply that to my relationship?"
"How am I going to get money to fund my trip?"

I'm literally psychoanalyzing every situation to come, and trying to solve "future problems" in my life... before they even exist! (IF they ever will exist!)
It's honestly the most twisted method of guarding your heart any person could've ever invented.
Like, for instance, my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm already anticipating missing him terribly while I'm gone... and that anticipation alone makes me sad... TODAY... even tho he's still here with me. (??) Confusing? Ya I dunno.

I'm crazy.

But I remember praying to God that I wouldn't be a person thats driven solely on emotions. I want to be driven and live my life according to HIS truth... not my emotions or feelings or what I believe to be true of myself at the time.

My friend Sally Ward Knepper (A friend that I also randomly met through a connection with Jill... soo crazy...) :) emailed me earlier this week and what she had to say really touched my heart and blessed me with this situation I'm dealing with in my life right now.

"The Bible was and is and always will be true. We must believe what the Bible says about us above our thoughts and feelings. What I was experiencing were lies from the devil who was trying to keep me in bondage. We often feel and "hear" things that are contrary to what the Bible says, but if we decide to believe the Bible over our thoughts and feelings, we can conquor any problem we face...... It took me applying God’s Word to my life by believing what it said about me above my feelings. For the first time I was able to experience true freedom from my problems. And I have never gone back. Sure, the devil has brought old thoughts back to me to try to discourage me, but now I know the truth. I can laugh at those thoughts now because I know in my heart who God says I am is the only thing that matters."

TRUTH!!
I want to be so grounded in that.
I'm tired of worrying about whether or not I'm going to go through another break up and have another broken heart... whether or not I'm as pretty as my boyfriends previous girlfriend... whether or not I always have the right words to say in every situation that my friends or family might be going through....

I want to live my life as a woman defined by God. Created by God. Knit together by God. Serving God for the rest of my life.


Talking to Britany today was SUCH a God-thing.
Try to imagine how awkward it must've been to never have seen/met someone in person... only through a mutual friend that you haven't even seen in 5 years... but to hear about this girl and how she did a DTS and worked on YWAM staff for the past two years... email and tell her you'd like to talk to her about YWAM if she ever go the chance... have her email you back with her number to call.... you call her and introduce yourself over the phone for the very first time... EVER.... did I mention you've never met her before... and she lives in Hawaii and you live in Colorado???
Can you just picture the awkwardness??

Well. It wasn't like that at all. :) Ha.
From the get-go, Britany was sweet, and SO welcoming to me and any questions I had. We ended up talking for about 25 minutes or so... and you have no idea how much I was blessed through that conversation.

This girl has a heart for the Lord and for missions that did nothing but encourage me to chase after Him with everything that's in me.
We told each other a little about ourselves... she explained a lot of the YWAM world to me and what I should be expecting over those 6 months... I explained to her how excited I was and some of the stuff I'd been going through.... we laughed at the fact that we both have Billy's... :) .... and she just really spoke truth over my life.
God spoke through her in ways she probably doesn't even realize. She mentioned things that were so close to my heart... things like how she had "such a distaste for the ordinary life..." (!!!!!!!!) That is something I've been feeling SO strongly, it's insane!! God spoke that to me.
She encouraged me with Psalms 131 and Colossians 3:2... that is, setting my mind on things above. Trying to view life from a Kingdom perspective, an idea I've always known... but an idea that I really needed to be reminded of right now.

Ah. So many blessings. So much truth!!

So, we got off the phone, and I felt like I've known her forever. After sharing our hearts with each other, she prayed over me and my life and my relationship with Billy, and left me completely hungry to know the Lord better.

It's random situations like these that make me laugh at how funny, and SO IN CONTROL, my God is.

He knew I needed this.
He knew I needed to speak to someone who'd lived the life that I'll be living here in about 1 month, He knew I needed the encouragement.
He knew I needed a friend who would be able to relate with what I was about to get into, kinda opening the way a little bit and easing some doubts.
He knew I needed a friend who was walking SO in His will and who was in a hot pursuit of Him, who would encourage me to do the same.

He knew, He knew, He KNOWS!!
God is so in control!!
He knows whats going to happen with me and Billy.
He knows whats going to happen at YWAM.
He knows I need to change the ugly...

He knows, He knows, He knows!! (I should write a song.) He understands. He sees what I don't. He has His best intentions for me... and He will fulfill His purpose in my life!!

So, that means, I'll rest.
I'll let Him take this time in my life... this last month or so I have before YWAM... to refine me. To break me and mold me into something that looks a little more like Him. To prepare me for all He has for me over the next 6 months. I'll trust Him to do a mighty work of patience and trust in both Billy and I.

I'm excited for the end results:)

I'm so grateful I serve a real God who's not just a piece of wood or gold. A God who loves me. Who interacts and is so evident in my life. A God who holds me in His hands and will never let me go... regardless of how many times I fall... get back up... fall... get back up....

God is so good.

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Reading: "Pursuit of Man" - AW Tozer, Romans
Listening: "Desert Song" - Jill and Brooke Fraser.