No joke, there have been SEVERAL events that have happened this past week where I've said, "Wow, I really want to write a blog about this."
God, in all honesty, is stirring in my heart unlike anything I've ever experienced before. This isn't the type of stirring that I've experienced in the past - it has nothing to do with a "Spiritual high" or "physically feeling His presence so closely" - it's so much harder to describe than that... much less tangible, but incredibly real nonetheless.
Where to begin?
Let's begin with me. I'm nothing special, and I've never before realized how incredibly broken of a person I would be without Christ in my life. God has gently, but very intentionally let me understand and experience more of Him in the most different ways - He's wooing my heart in a way that I don't exactly recognize or know how to respond to, but I'm listening. Oh, God, I'm listening.
The past 10 months or so have stretched and challenged me unlike anything that I even knew how to expect. I got married - to a man that I HONESTLY, all cliche's and "cute sayings" aside, have grown to love, appreciate, and care for more and more each day.
I've traveled, I've moved. I've left my family, my closest friends, the people that knew me better than even my husband does at this point.
I've left the one state that has captured my heart - moved to new surroundings where the hidden gems are still very hidden.
I'm at a crossroads in my life - decisions need to be made and in many cases, I'm everything but willing.
But that's ok. God's really, truly showing me that it's OKAY.... and here's why.
Before my outward, exterior plans unfold for my life - God's showing me more under the surface. He's revealing my heart and tugging on the things that truly aren't part of His plan for my life. A WHOLE lot of ugly - many bad habits - tons of pride, the list goes on.
It's painful, and it's affected me in more ways than it's really needed to, but I need to write this blog. I don't really want to, but as I've said in the past, it's good for me. So here we go.
For as long as I can remember, I've been the girl who has it all together. Whoever reads this from high school might (or, might not haha) agree and attest to that.... I never really had any broken pieces in my life, never had any huge troubles that I needed to offer up to God.
And I know I mentioned this earlier, in the blog about my sis in love Sarah, but for the sake of my story, I need to re-iterate this again:
I WAS AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN DOING JUST FINE.
Early on in high school, I made a few personality/life decisions that have dictated and defined a lot of who I am today. For example, I decided that I was going to be a secret-keeper. I've had my share of secrets and have been betrayed by people in the past, and I decided at that point that I wasn't going to be that type of person, and instead, whatever secret I heard or somebody confided in me, I was going to keep at all costs.
Also, I decided that regardless of whatever good advice I could contribute to a situation, I would ALWAYS try my hardest to be a fantastic listener. I've had friends who could do just about everything but listen to me when I needed it most, and I can't tell you how frustrating that is. So, early on, that was one of the decisions I made. I'm going to be a great listener.
Those are just a few examples of the types of ideas I thought about and developed in my life. Now, what I've realized is that those traits that I intentionally possessed were definitely great, but that in some way they caused me to really shut MY SELF and MY PROBLEMS out from other and all people.
I focused so much on hearing other people's issues and secrets, and carrying their burdens, that I never really practiced letting anyone have mine. And, by no means am I saying that I didn't have friends and family in my life who offered to share my burden or wanted me to be open, I honestly did. I had people in my life that I KNOW TO THIS DAY I could trust with anything.
But, the thing is that I never let myself share my burden. I was the girl who had it all together, remember? I didn't have problems. Well, that's a stretch I mean sure, maybe I did, but I really am a very strong person. I can handle it, I can fix them. I have God in my life, I'm in love with Jesus, I can read the Bible, I know what to do.
I can carry my own burden, really I'm fine.
That mind-set - despite the fact that it seemed to work PERFECTLY well for me in high school - really developed bad habits in my life.
I never imagined that it would, to be honest. I NEVER imagined, the mind-set of "I got this, I'm fine, I don't need your help, I'll figure it out" could develop issues of vulnerability that I'm experiencing in my heart and life today.
I DON'T LIKE sharing my burden because I feel like, for lack of a better word haha, a BURDEN on people! People are hurting, people are struggling! They don't need to add my issues on top of their busy, crazy lives! That's selfish! That's selfish of me to ask for help. That's selfish of me to share my problems. That's selfish of me to let people in, to invite them to walk this life with me and share my struggles. That's selfish.
And THAT ^, my friends, is what I'm realizing now, to be a HUGE LIE.
It's a lie from Satan! From the beginning of time, before man was even created, God lived, in a "community" for lack of a better word! He was with Jesus and the Holy Spirit! Then, He created Adam, and spoke the famous words that have become the comical trump line for many women in the church today.... "It is not good for Man to be alone." So... He created something better ;)
All through-out Scripture, God shows over and over again the importance of community. God has a "PEOPLE," not just a "PERSON."
Then bam, Jesus came. He could've done everything by Himself, He didn't need anyone else at all, but I think that is the most incredible lesson He could've taught us.
He showed us that yes, He really was "strong enough" to carry His burdens and live this life on His own, but He CHOSE to live it with 12 other guys.
He taught them, cried with them, listened to them, shared wisdom with them, showed them.
And He didn't stop there - it's so interesting for me to see that while on the earth, Jesus still NEEDED to get away from the crowd and his friends and commune with God!!!
He did it several times throughout the New Testament. That example is so humbling to me - If JESUS needed to steal away to spend time with the Lord during His time here on earth, how much more do I need that?
So. Obviously, the reasons I stated earlier of not wanting to share my burdens, is completely contradictory to the story Christ showed us with His life.
It's completely contradictory to what God is all about - He's a God that is all about His people, wanting the most intimate, detailed, intricate parts of their lives.
HE'S ALL ABOUT UNITY!!!
Unity involves more than just one person... so God obviously wants us to do this life with OTHER PEOPLE!!
It's so funny to me, however, when I think of how sneaky satan is. My argument before, of how I don't want to share my problems because people already have problems of their own, seems OH SO NOBLE of me. How selfless, right?
Wrong. That mindset is a nesting ground for some serious pride to grow - because sure your intentions may be pure to begin with, but when you start offering yourself to share other people's burdens, you may start to believe better of yourself because, HEY, you don't have any issues like these other people. You're all good. You have it all together.
And honestly, I think the word "vulnerable" to me had somewhat of a negative connotation. I immediately think of something that is "weak." Or transparent. And oh my gosh, neither one of those words is something I can see myself wanting to be. No I'm not saying I was a fake person, I didn't live a double life by any means, I wouldn't say something to your face and then turn around and say something different behind your back. I wasn't that type of person. I just hated asking for help, and I never did.
Well, you reap what you sow, and I'm finding that to be true in my life today. I never really SOWED in intimate relationships - I never sowed in being vulnerable with people.
I did it on my own, I was good.
_ PROBLEM_
What am I reaping now? I'm reaping some serious heart issues, some issues that have caused some struggles for me in recent months.
I'm married to I promise you, the MOST incredible man who wants nothing more than know every deep, intimate, hidden, ugly part of my heart and my mind. He's pursuing me, and HAS pursued me relentlessly, and he feels MOST loved and MOST intimate with me when I open up and tell him how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.
This is where I'm at - this is what I'm learning, among other things for sure.
But this is what God is teaching me - that I truly CAN'T do it on my own.
Yes, I really CAN do it with HIM alone, but that's not what He's called us to.
He's called us to relationships.
He's called us to deep, intimate, messy, vulnerable relationships with friends and family - I mean, MARRIAGE is like the ULTIMATE relationship and it was God's idea!!
IF you're like me, if my argument mentioned earlier about not wanting to give my problems to people who are already struggling makes sense to you, listen to me.
THAT'S A LIE.
You can't do it alone.
You need people in your life that you LOVE and TRUST.
You need people that you know you can tell ANYTHING to, and they will still love you and think the best of you.
Find people, pray for God to bring people to you. It's HARD, oh my gosh it's so hard!
And just for venting's sake...
I HATE BEING VULNERABLE!
I HATE TELLING PEOPLE MY PROBLEMS AND ISSUES!
I HATE HATE HATE HATE IT!!!
BUT, oh my gosh, to wrap my story up, I was having a rough day and was essentially at the end of my rope. Billy had been asking me for a while to "talk to someone, talk to someone" and I responded with "No, baby, I don't need to talk to someone. I'll be ok. I know and love God, I know the Holy Spirit, I can read my Bible, I'll figure it out on my own."
Well, life events changed to the point where I realized one day, "Oh crap... maybe Billy is right." (Which, honestly, he is just about EVERY SINGLE TIME.)
(Billy if you read this and ever bring it up to use against me, I'm not kissing you for a week.)
So I called up our college Pastor named Aaron Stern, and in a sense of desperation, asked him for help.
We met a couple times to just talk and figure out what was going on. I can't even tell you how many times the idea of bailing on our meetings appealed to me - I did NOT care to talk to him and I did NOT want him to know anything that was going on. He didn't KNOW me, how could he help?
But he shared a lot of insight with me, and reiterated the fact to me that we need people and we need community to survive.
There are a few other ideas that he helped me understand that I want to blog about - but I'm going to finish with this general idea.
I KNOW being vulnerable sucks sometimes - but, I'm telling you, from EXPERIENCE, you can't do it alone.
You REAP WHAT YOU SOW.
Most likely, eventually, if you're not in a relationship as intimate as marriage already, you will be, and problems of vulnerability only cause for some serious issues, pains, and hurt feelings. Find people in your life now that you trust, and tell them your story.
BE HONEST.
BE MESSY.
BE REAL.
BE VULNERABLE.
That's God's idea. And I promise you, if it's God's idea, it's the BEST idea.
