::: Better than Butterflies :::

Falling in love is a myth. 

Choosing to love is the reality. You don't "fall out of love" with someone... you choose to walk away.

- Pastor Carl Lentz, Hillsong NYC.

The truth of this quote moved my heart to the point of tears. I guess I'm just so obsessed with this topic - marriage - that perspectives like this one and several others really affect me. Inspiration... leads to writing.

First of all, I'd like to clarify something. I've had a few people that have read my blog express to me how it sounds like marriage is harder than they thought... how maybe it's something that they don't want to jump into.

Yikes! That comment made me sad & also wanted me to shed a bit of light on where I'm coming from when I write.

In response to these opinions, I'd like to say that yes... MARRIAGE IS HARD. It's one of the most challenging, refining, ugly-discovering things I've ever experienced in my life. YES it is hard and YES it's never something to just "jump into."

However, I like to blog because I like to write. I like to write because I process situations, ideas, events & perspectives BEST through writing. It allows me to sort out the good and bad and to see a clearer picture.

That being said, my blogs will always be just that... stories about the good and bad. I'm not going to sugar-coat it and I'm not going to pretend like my marriage or life in general is perfect because it is very far from it. I'm tired of society raising certain couples on pedestal's of "perfection" only to see them fall into the typical divorce statistic and leave the rest of us wondering... "how could this have happened?"

No. I'm keeping it real here, for my own sake more than others, and I'm hoping that THROUGH the ugliness, THROUGH the struggle, THROUGH the hard times... REDEMPTION, GROWTH, and PERSPECTIVE CHANGE are high-lighted more. My processing usually never dead-ends on a hopeless result, because in Jesus we are never hopeless!

My wish for whoever reads my blog is that they will be able to see the REALITY of marriage - both good and bad, at least from my perspective, to feel HOPE that hey, they aren't the only ones feeling like this after all... and to feel ENCOURAGED to grow and change... from ugly to beautiful.
Because that's what this journey is about... constant changing, growing, learning, seeking.

I'm not the same person I was two years ago when I wore white and walked down an aisle to my new forever... I thank Jesus for that.

That being said, in two years from even NOW, I DON'T want to be the same person I am today. There are still so many struggles, fears, insecurities, desires I want to continue to work through and surrender to Jesus.

2 Peter 3:18A says: 
"But grow in the grace & knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ." 

I love that... grow in the grace... 

So yes. That's what this blog is... a story of growing in grace... a journey to becoming a new, better, and WHOLE person IN Christ & in Him alone.
I PRAY that it will be more encouraging than discouraging... I pray that people who read it will perhaps be able to relate and process through whatever they're struggling with alongside me. That's my hope.

 Ok. Had to get that out there. Back to this incredible quote by Carl Lentz::::

"Falling in love is a myth. Choosing to love is the reality. You don't "fall out of love" with someone... you choose to walk away."

The weight of the truth of that quote was SO huge and is something I believe could completely CHANGE the nasty marriage statistics of today.

I've only been married for two years, but I can see the truth of this quote SO CLEARLY even through the hard times I've experienced in my marriage.

I'm convinced that marriage changes you... and it let's YOU decide which way you're going to change.

It can either make you more selfish, or less selfish.

It can either make you a better communicator, or a worse communicator.

It can either make you grow in faith, or become angry at God.

It can either make you a happy person, or a bitter person.

You choose.

I've had to make those tough decisions already, even this week. We got into somewhat of an ugly squabble, over something dumb and driven by insecurity... (are you as tired of this pattern as I am? If not, read here, here, here and here and maybe then you'll understand how pathetic I can really be...) and again I was faced with the decision of what type of person I want to be.

It's insane when I think about how different my life would be if I weren't married.
I mean, I doubt I would EVER grow, haha.
That's extreme, and I'm sure I would, but NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE have I had such tangible, in my face opportunities to:
1) Act Ugly
2) NOTICE IT. 
3) Decide which way I'm going to go with it.
4) Have the chance to make the right decision... and make it right. 

My friendships in high school hardly ever led me through this process of change.
And if they did, sometimes my pride would get the better of me and convince me to cling to it; stopping at step 3 & deciding that "well, guess I don't need you after all..." this produced maybe more distance or less intimacy in the friendship and sometimes that was fine because GUESS WHAT... I didn't have to crawl into bed with that person and wake up with them the next day for the rest of my life!!

Hello Marriage :)

I believe Step 3 is the stage that, **in most cases, leads to divorce.
What's so amazing/burdensome is that, it's completely in YOUR POWER.
YOU DECIDE. 
Just like Pastor Carl Lentz explains... "falling in love is a myth... choosing to love is the reality."

See, one day you'll wake up and the fuzzy's will be gone and the perfect flawless look you always had when you dated will be gone and the butterflies you get when he sends you a text will be gone and you ALWAYS NEEDING to be in contact with him throughout the whole day will be gone...

And that fresh "fallen in love" feeling you had, that you thought would/should last forever, will most likely be gone.
And Step 3 will maybe be the hardest decision you have to make. 

BUT - when your face to face with Step 3 and you choose:
humility. 
grace. 
compassion.
patience. 
love. 
forgiveness. 
or as my Pastor Andy Stanley says, "believing the best about that person..."

Here's what happens.
You get a deeper, more intimate love than I promise you have EVER experienced in any dating relationship.
I'm telling you, butterflies absolutely pale in comparison.
Because it's made of something REAL.
It's made from a DIFFICULT CHOICE.
It renews HOPE; you guys CAN do this.
It's wrapped in HUMILITY; I will ALWAYS consider you better than myself.
It's wrapped in GRACE; yes I FORGIVE you and I'm not going anywhere.
It's wrapped in TRUTH; til death do us part. 

It's been through the fire & come out stronger than ever.
Day in and Day out. 

THIS LOVE is worth letting go of the butterflies and flawlessness and perfection and silly expectations. 
It's REAL and it LASTS FOREVER. 

Isn't that what we all want anyways? A love that lasts forever.

Wow. I've never really written a blog before that made me cry until right now.
I'm literally typing these words and becoming overwhelmed with emotion because it MAKES SENSE and it TARGETS ME.
I guess I'm blown away by His Grace.
Apart from Jesus we can have NONE of this.
Because apart from Jesus we CAN'T truly love, have humility, show grace... because it doesn't exist outside of Him. 

I don't want a cheap love that works when everything is good and disappears when our TRUE SELVES (ie. the ugly, selfish, terrible souls wrapped in skin) come out.

Because we're human and we're imperfect and with as much as everyone always uses that as an excuse... in marriage, that fact is something easily forgotten.

We will face our "Step 3's" probably every single day for the rest of our lives... many times without warning. 
We'll be face to face in this sudden fight, sometimes out of nowhere, maybe terribly ugly and uncalled for... and we can DECIDE what to do.

You hold that power.
And if you're married, I really encourage you to decide today what type of spouse you are going to be.

CHOOSE to love, CHOOSE to forgive, CHOOSE to believe the best when all things point to the worst.
All these tiny decisions will either lead you to a real, true love that is better than butterflies... or to a divorce court. 
You have the choice. Fight for your marriage.



**I know that there are other reasons that lead to divorce; addiction, unfaithfulness, abuse to name a few... I'm really not trying to dismiss those reasons. The "Step 3" I'm talking about is made much more difficult in those situations, but what I'm referring to is when those aren't present and when instead you have as Dr. Eggerich's says, "two good will people." Just wanted to clarify that! 

::Dear Bride::

I love how everyone thinks that marriage is the ultimate "cure-all" for problems.

Now, I doubt anyone would openly admit to believing that statement, including myself - but if I'm being completely honest & real here, I know that deep down in my heart and probably deep down in EVERYONE's heart, there's an element of truth to the speculation behind that completely idealistic/unrealistic belief.

So I struggle with insecurity now? Oh, I know that'll all just vanish when I get married. I struggle with self-image? No worries, being married will cure that. Fear? Jealousy? Doubt? Once again, as soon as I get that final ring on my finger and say my vows, I'll be good to go. Problem, solved.

wrong.

I think the enemy is completely behind that thought process, and uses it for a few reasons.

1) If we have that idea in mind, we don't confront our issues and problems head on, right NOW. When you think that a "for-sure-cure" is in the cards, then why get your emotions in an uproar and deal with your issues now? Why get your hands dirty when it'll all be solved soon? That lie keeps us from total surrender to God.

2) he loves to steal from us - our joy, our security, our lives. I'm sure satan LOVES watching us females believe that lie; we go into a marriage with our hearts set on that complete "hope of change," and then... we fall. We fall even deeper & harder when we realize that hope of healing was nothing but a lie. He builds us up higher and higher to make our fall harder than ever. Cue self-hatred, guilt, anger, and that pesky problem that you thought would be "cured" by the Covenant.... insecurity.

I can just picture satan sitting there, ugly as ever, eating some type of nasty popcorn, watching our lives unfold into tears, heartbreak, and self-hate like it's some type of comedy.

Our hope's/expectations of being healed in a marriage are slowly shattered and intimacy in marriage begins to evaporate... and he loves it.

Anything God is, satan hates. Period. he is the opposite of God in every way and whatever God creates, satan creates a counterfeit. his agenda is only to steal, kill and destroy... our lives, our character, our hope, our future, our families, our dreams, our society, our government, our friendships, and especially our marriages.

So... like I said, I'm sure deep down somewhere I believed that lie.

I went into my marriage thinking that whatever jealousy, insecurity, fear I dealt with would all soon be wiped away by my handsome Prince, my Knight in Shining Armor... my "savior."

Oh, believe me, my Billy is SO many wonderful things... but "savior" is not one of them.

So there I am, a broken person who doesn't realize just HOW broken she is, promising my life to an incredible person who I am subconsciously expecting to "fix me."

Begin the marriage.

Month 1: pretty blissful. A few "flare ups" here and there regarding my pre-marital issues... but still expecting healing.

Month 2: coasting by. Same story with more "flare ups." Slowly realizing that Billy isn't curing me...

Month 3: Still no cure. Still so many issues. Still heart-break, still fear, still doubt and insecurity. Self-hatred sets in...

Month 4: self-hatred yields no fruit. satan still whispering lies, and I'm letting him... "You're married now, why are you still struggling with this? Why can't you just be happy? You're a terrible wife... you're a terrible woman... you don't deserve this amazing guy... you should leave him so he can find someone better because he deserves better than you..." lies, lies, lies.

The marriage continued.

So many wonderful times, so many rocky times... still no healing.

Still no problem resolution.

Still so much guilt and self-hatred over my reactions and feelings.

At one point, my husband wanted me to go to counseling and I refused, because I believed another lie; the lie that says, I KNOW what the problem is, so I could fix it! I don't need help. (Lie.)

Satan is so good at what he does...

But Jesus is even better.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I never fully realized how messed up of a person I was until this year.

This year His grace came FULLY ALIVE to me - the meaning of it, the truth of it, the necessity of it.

I felt His grace in the way my husband treated me... despite my ugly attitudes, reactions, or accusations. He was so patient, so loving, so endearing and supportive. Jesus' love shined through Billy & I felt so much grace in that relationship. (I'm forever grateful.)

I felt His grace in the way He let an awesome man, Aaron Stern, speak painful truth into my life and bring counseling & healing.

I felt His grace in the way He allowed Beth Moore to preach a sermon at Passion that was literally JUST for me, empowering me through the Holy Spirit.

I felt His grace in the way He gave me a best friend who encouraged me, believed in me, LISTENED to me and loved me through my crazy times.

I felt His grace in the way He allowed me to experience the low lows - the kind of lows I NEVER thought I would experience - as use those times to be able to sympathize & gain a deeper understanding for the way people experience intense pain, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I never used to be able to relate/understand those people... now I can. GRACE.

I felt His grace in the way He used my parents to "let go" but still love me enough to be there for me, ready to advise, ready to love, ready to welcome me home anytime.

SO. MUCH. GRACE.

"If Grace is an ocean, we're all sinking..."

I recently heard my sweet friend Lindsey say "Our hindsight is always 20/20" - SO true.

I've been married just over a year, and as I look back on this past year, I can see the hand of God, the GRACE of God, so clearly over my life.

I made mistakes. I said things I shouldn't have said. I did things I shouldn't have done. I salted wounds, I set myself up for failure, I fell fast and hard. There are some things I would LOVE to be able to go back and change... but I don't carry the condemnation. Jesus forgave me so why would I not forgive myself?

BIG LESSONS I LEARNED THIS YEAR:

1) "Healing never happens outside of intimacy with Christ. The healing of our wound flows out of our union with Him." - John Eldredge "Wild at Heart."

- Healing hurts.

It's a deeply personal process. It's impossible to heal without getting your hands dirty and your emotions in a whirlwind. It's necessary for growth, it's necessary for any positive change in your life.. It can't happen outside of deep, time-filled dissection of your heart.

2) "God has a will for your life, and so does satan." - Beth Moore

The weight of the the truth of this statement just floors me. Satan wants to destroy every area of my life. he wants me to live in guilt, shame, insecurity. But the thing is that I can fight the battle from a place of VICTORY and can stop his lies dead in their tracks. They only have as much power over my life as I let them have. I can live in truth, in victory, because of what Jesus did for me, not what satan speaks to me.

3) "You can't change the way you feel about something, but you can change the way you THINK about it, which will change the way you feel." - Beth Moore

Perhaps the biggest lesson I've learned this year is just how incredibly POWERFUL my mind is. If I allow my mind to, it can create a negative thought rooted in fear/insecurity and MANIFEST it into the most real, hideous thing that controls my emotions to the point of serious depression. I don't have to let my thoughts run wild - I can control them and take them captive to the obedience of Christ. I am SO grateful for the way God showed this to me - He so gently allowed me to realize the damage I was causing my heart, emotions, and marriage by allowing satan's lies manifest into actions and reactions that destroyed who I wanted to be.

4) "Instead of leaning AWAY from Billy when you have a problem, you need to lean INTO Billy and allow him to share the burden with you. That's what marriage is." - Aaron Stern

I am now a HUGE fan of counseling. Not only is it healthy for your heart, but the benefits of it just spill out into every area of your life. My college Pastor at my former church met with me a couple times in the fall and REALLY helped me process through some of my issues. He helped me realize that marriage won't work if I try to fix all my problems on my own, THEN come to Billy as a "whole person." Nope. Billy NEEDS me to NEED him. He NEEDS me to lean INTO him, to allow him into the broken places of my heart and let him help me pick up the pieces. So grateful for all that counseling and SO grateful for a husband who was ecstatic when I told him I was gonna stop trying to fix everything by myself, but was gonna let him in to be a part of the ugly process :) I'm a lucky girl.

5) "Jealousy is never the problem. It's only the fruit of the problem. The root, however, is a heart that needs to be loved into security... I knew that the root of jealousy in any part of my life was stemming from the blood-sucking trait of insecurity." - Christa Black Blog

- This is a new but MUCH NEEDED revelation for me. Jealousy isn't the problem - it's just a FRUIT of the problem. WOW. So whenever this ugly, bitter fruit rears it's ugly little head in my life, I can stop, take a step back and check my heart to see what the real issue is. Have I been feeding my heart with satan's lies? Have I been allowing vain pursuits take the place of the best pursuit? Have I expected my love and security to come solely from Billy instead of my Father in heaven who LOVES me? See? Heart-check. SO good.

Those are some of the lessons I've learned this year that have been VITAL in my healing, growing process.

But in all honesty, I couldn't have done it without Jesus' grace over my life.

And His LOVE ~ sheesh His love.

I'm not sure why I wrote this blog - it's deeply personal and deeply vulnerable.

But it's there.

It's real.

It happened and it affected my life in many many ways.

I'm grateful for it.

I'm grateful for the TRUTH that is found only in Jesus.

It is only Him & Him alone that provides healing, restoration, and CHANGE to a broken, mangled, ugly heart.

He makes all things new, He loves us, and Jesus alone is the way, truth, and life.

"Until you have given yourself to Him, you will not have a real self."

~ C.S. Lewis.

That being quoted, I'm SO glad to say that it's a journey, NOT a destination.

I will still have ugly fruit pop up in my life, ugly thoughts I have to take captive, ugly emotions that I have to surrender to God.

We're humans, we're being changed from glory to glory and that process will not be completed until we are standing with Christ with this world has passed away.

We don't have to have it all together to get an invitation to know Christ...

Lifehouse says it best:

"Forgetting all I'm lacking

completely incomplete

I'll take Your invitation...

if You'll take all of me."

That's so beautiful.

And so a place to come to before you entwine your roots with someone else's...

If you're one of the girls who's believing the lie that "marriage is the cure," I encourage you to {{{stop}}}

If anything, marriage is just a magnifying glass ~ and all those "issues" that you thought would be "cured" just get bigger and in the way of joy... and force you to deal face to face with them... except NOW you have someone who wants to intimately be a part of the yucky process. :)

Don't wait for a man's approval & acceptance to heal you...

Don't depend on a man's love to make you a whole person.

My advice? From experience? Surrender it to God now.

He knows it anyways.

He LONGS to heal your heart.

He LONGS to get His hands dirty and put the broken pieces back together again.

He LONGS for you to believe the TRUTH about your worth, your value in HIM alone.

He LONGS to empower you to live in JOY, in FREEDOM, completely untouchable from satan's lies and completely RESTORED in Him.

Let Him love you. Let Him heal you.

Let Him be ALL HE IS - your healer, your friend, your comforter, your security, your UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

He's all you need... He's willing to heal your heart, and that's more than enough.

:::Just a Wife:::

I just got off the phone with my sweet mother in love. Of all the crazy mother in laws in the world, I'm SO blessed with one who is loving, compassionate, who genuinely loves me and who has welcomed me into their family with open arms. In all honesty, all of Billy's family has done that, HOW BLESSED AM I??? I love his family, I'm so grateful to have married into their family, and I can't wait for the many memories yet to be made at all our family reunions!

Anyways, so I was talking to my Mother in love and we were discussing about the difficulty of being a wife, especially in the early phase of marriage.

I don't think that every marriage is difficult by any means, but we were specifically talking about how hard my scenario is, because right now I'm a wife.... and NOTHING ELSE. Or atleast that's how it feels.

I'm not working... I'm not in school... I'm not "pursuing my dreams" so to speak. I'm just... a wife. I'm a wife, doing essentially nothing with her time but following around a man that she's promised her life to.

That particular part of my circumstances has been difficult for me to sort through this past month - especially considering the type of person I am.

I LOVE (in most cases) busyness, I LOVE working, I LOVE learning about things I'm passionate about, I LOVE developing relationships. I love being busy.

I love juggling roles in my life - whether it's the role of a daughter, fellow employee, team captain, church go-er, Bible study leader, sister, best friend. I enjoy them all!

So... now. Things have changed. I've moved away from people that know me.... you know the story. I'm in a different place in life right now and it's hard for me to not have TONS of roles to fill - my only role really is being a wife.

When your life gets so simplified, it's easy for Satan to turn the focus on you and make you feel like you're life is meaningless.

You're not fulfilling anything, you're not making a difference.

You're "only a wife."

You just "follow around your husband like a mindless fool."

You're not a mother, you're not working. Just a wife.

For a girl who's life has consisted of more than 3 roles at any one time, it's hard to "just be a wife." In the past month especially, I've felt like my life was meaningless, I felt like it was a waste.

But after talking to my mother in love, and really having meditated on the thought a bit, God's reaffirmed so much in my heart.

I don't need 5,000 things to do to feel like my life has a purpose. I don't need to play in 50 roles so I can feel like my life is worth living.

I have a purpose, I have a life worth living.

Jesus decides to give me breath every day, He decides to give me His love.

He knows my name, my weaknesses, and sees my past and future victories.

He's given me a healthy body, a sharp mind, and two hands to serve Him and other people.

I have a role as His daughter. That role includes loving Him and others, serving Him and others. That role includes lining my life up to His - that's so amazing and humbling to think about.

Now, apart from that role, he's also given me the role of being a wife.

As much as I would in some ways like to belittle that role, He gently but firmly reminds me that I shouldn't dare think less of it. Here's why.

The role of a "wife" has SO much weighing on it.

Regardless of what society thinks today, I have power:

- I have the power to nurture, sustain, encourage, and love my husband - and I have the power to tear down, ruin, criticize, or destroy him.

- I have the power to serve him and help him, or to make his life miserable.

- I have the power to push him closer to God by the way I love and encourage him, and I have the power to turn him away from God by the way I judge, nag, and criticize him.

- I have the power to help him achieve his biggest dreams, and I have the power to discourage him to the point where he never dreams again.

Everyday I have choices.

Everyday I can choose whether to love, pursue, respect, honor, and help him - or do the exact opposite.

Everyday I can choose how I will speak, learn, grown, interact, judge, or react with this man God's given me.

Everyday I can choose to either live for me and fulfill my selfish desires, or live for him and his desires.

Living with those thoughts in the fore-front of your mind, I believe, could radically change marriages today.

I don't care that I'm not working, that I'm not in school, that I'm not "busy."

This time I have is only for a short season - Lord knows the years ahead will consist of nothing but me juggling around many, many roles - including mother!! (SO crazy to think about...)

No, this time of only having mainly one role of "wife" is a short time - and it's in these days, where it's just me and my love... before the crazy responsibilities... before the kids.... it's in THESE days that I am going to consciously pursue, love, honor, encourage, and respect my husband. Not only because he deserves it, but because God blessed me with this man and gave me the role of being a WIFE.

I have power, I have responsibility, I am a WIFE and I'm not going to believe Satan's lies that want nothing more than to distract or discourage me from living the role that God has planned out for me now.

It's not simple, it's not unimportant.

My roots are entwined with his, and love is never unimportant.

"... where you go, I go, and where you live, I will live.

Your people are my people, and your God is my God."

~ Ruth 1:16+

God also just brought to mind this famous chapter - SO encouraging to my heart :)

"A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long."
~ Prov 31:10+