I love how everyone thinks that marriage is the ultimate "cure-all" for problems.
Now, I doubt anyone would openly admit to believing that statement, including myself - but if I'm being completely honest & real here, I know that deep down in my heart and probably deep down in EVERYONE's heart, there's an element of truth to the speculation behind that completely idealistic/unrealistic belief.
So I struggle with insecurity now? Oh, I know that'll all just vanish when I get married. I struggle with self-image? No worries, being married will cure that. Fear? Jealousy? Doubt? Once again, as soon as I get that final ring on my finger and say my vows, I'll be good to go. Problem, solved.
wrong.
I think the enemy is completely behind that thought process, and uses it for a few reasons.
1) If we have that idea in mind, we don't confront our issues and problems head on, right NOW. When you think that a "for-sure-cure" is in the cards, then why get your emotions in an uproar and deal with your issues now? Why get your hands dirty when it'll all be solved soon? That lie keeps us from total surrender to God.
2) he loves to steal from us - our joy, our security, our lives. I'm sure satan LOVES watching us females believe that lie; we go into a marriage with our hearts set on that complete "hope of change," and then... we fall. We fall even deeper & harder when we realize that hope of healing was nothing but a lie. He builds us up higher and higher to make our fall harder than ever. Cue self-hatred, guilt, anger, and that pesky problem that you thought would be "cured" by the Covenant.... insecurity.
I can just picture satan sitting there, ugly as ever, eating some type of nasty popcorn, watching our lives unfold into tears, heartbreak, and self-hate like it's some type of comedy.
Our hope's/expectations of being healed in a marriage are slowly shattered and intimacy in marriage begins to evaporate... and he loves it.
Anything God is, satan hates. Period. he is the opposite of God in every way and whatever God creates, satan creates a counterfeit. his agenda is only to steal, kill and destroy... our lives, our character, our hope, our future, our families, our dreams, our society, our government, our friendships, and especially our marriages.
So... like I said, I'm sure deep down somewhere I believed that lie.
I went into my marriage thinking that whatever jealousy, insecurity, fear I dealt with would all soon be wiped away by my handsome Prince, my Knight in Shining Armor... my "savior."
Oh, believe me, my Billy is SO many wonderful things... but "savior" is not one of them.
So there I am, a broken person who doesn't realize just HOW broken she is, promising my life to an incredible person who I am subconsciously expecting to "fix me."
Begin the marriage.
Month 1: pretty blissful. A few "flare ups" here and there regarding my pre-marital issues... but still expecting healing.
Month 2: coasting by. Same story with more "flare ups." Slowly realizing that Billy isn't curing me...
Month 3: Still no cure. Still so many issues. Still heart-break, still fear, still doubt and insecurity. Self-hatred sets in...
Month 4: self-hatred yields no fruit. satan still whispering lies, and I'm letting him... "You're married now, why are you still struggling with this? Why can't you just be happy? You're a terrible wife... you're a terrible woman... you don't deserve this amazing guy... you should leave him so he can find someone better because he deserves better than you..." lies, lies, lies.
The marriage continued.
So many wonderful times, so many rocky times... still no healing.
Still no problem resolution.
Still so much guilt and self-hatred over my reactions and feelings.
At one point, my husband wanted me to go to counseling and I refused, because I believed another lie; the lie that says, I KNOW what the problem is, so I could fix it! I don't need help. (Lie.)
Satan is so good at what he does...
But Jesus is even better.
As I've mentioned in previous posts, I never fully realized how messed up of a person I was until this year.
This year His grace came FULLY ALIVE to me - the meaning of it, the truth of it, the necessity of it.
I felt His grace in the way my husband treated me... despite my ugly attitudes, reactions, or accusations. He was so patient, so loving, so endearing and supportive. Jesus' love shined through Billy & I felt so much grace in that relationship. (I'm forever grateful.)
I felt His grace in the way He let an awesome man, Aaron Stern, speak painful truth into my life and bring counseling & healing.
I felt His grace in the way He allowed Beth Moore to preach a sermon at Passion that was literally JUST for me, empowering me through the Holy Spirit.
I felt His grace in the way He gave me a best friend who encouraged me, believed in me, LISTENED to me and loved me through my crazy times.
I felt His grace in the way He allowed me to experience the low lows - the kind of lows I NEVER thought I would experience - as use those times to be able to sympathize & gain a deeper understanding for the way people experience intense pain, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I never used to be able to relate/understand those people... now I can. GRACE.
I felt His grace in the way He used my parents to "let go" but still love me enough to be there for me, ready to advise, ready to love, ready to welcome me home anytime.
SO. MUCH. GRACE.
"If Grace is an ocean, we're all sinking..."
I recently heard my sweet friend Lindsey say "Our hindsight is always 20/20" - SO true.
I've been married just over a year, and as I look back on this past year, I can see the hand of God, the GRACE of God, so clearly over my life.
I made mistakes. I said things I shouldn't have said. I did things I shouldn't have done. I salted wounds, I set myself up for failure, I fell fast and hard. There are some things I would LOVE to be able to go back and change... but I don't carry the condemnation. Jesus forgave me so why would I not forgive myself?
BIG LESSONS I LEARNED THIS YEAR:
1) "Healing never happens outside of intimacy with Christ. The healing of our wound flows out of our union with Him." - John Eldredge "Wild at Heart."
- Healing hurts.
It's a deeply personal process. It's impossible to heal without getting your hands dirty and your emotions in a whirlwind. It's necessary for growth, it's necessary for any positive change in your life.. It can't happen outside of deep, time-filled dissection of your heart.
2) "God has a will for your life, and so does satan." - Beth Moore
The weight of the the truth of this statement just floors me. Satan wants to destroy every area of my life. he wants me to live in guilt, shame, insecurity. But the thing is that I can fight the battle from a place of VICTORY and can stop his lies dead in their tracks. They only have as much power over my life as I let them have. I can live in truth, in victory, because of what Jesus did for me, not what satan speaks to me.
3) "You can't change the way you feel about something, but you can change the way you THINK about it, which will change the way you feel." - Beth Moore
Perhaps the biggest lesson I've learned this year is just how incredibly POWERFUL my mind is. If I allow my mind to, it can create a negative thought rooted in fear/insecurity and MANIFEST it into the most real, hideous thing that controls my emotions to the point of serious depression. I don't have to let my thoughts run wild - I can control them and take them captive to the obedience of Christ. I am SO grateful for the way God showed this to me - He so gently allowed me to realize the damage I was causing my heart, emotions, and marriage by allowing satan's lies manifest into actions and reactions that destroyed who I wanted to be.
4) "Instead of leaning AWAY from Billy when you have a problem, you need to lean INTO Billy and allow him to share the burden with you. That's what marriage is." - Aaron Stern
I am now a HUGE fan of counseling. Not only is it healthy for your heart, but the benefits of it just spill out into every area of your life. My college Pastor at my former church met with me a couple times in the fall and REALLY helped me process through some of my issues. He helped me realize that marriage won't work if I try to fix all my problems on my own, THEN come to Billy as a "whole person." Nope. Billy NEEDS me to NEED him. He NEEDS me to lean INTO him, to allow him into the broken places of my heart and let him help me pick up the pieces. So grateful for all that counseling and SO grateful for a husband who was ecstatic when I told him I was gonna stop trying to fix everything by myself, but was gonna let him in to be a part of the ugly process :) I'm a lucky girl.
5) "Jealousy is never the problem. It's only the fruit of the problem. The root, however, is a heart that needs to be loved into security... I knew that the root of jealousy in any part of my life was stemming from the blood-sucking trait of insecurity." - Christa Black Blog
- This is a new but MUCH NEEDED revelation for me. Jealousy isn't the problem - it's just a FRUIT of the problem. WOW. So whenever this ugly, bitter fruit rears it's ugly little head in my life, I can stop, take a step back and check my heart to see what the real issue is. Have I been feeding my heart with satan's lies? Have I been allowing vain pursuits take the place of the best pursuit? Have I expected my love and security to come solely from Billy instead of my Father in heaven who LOVES me? See? Heart-check. SO good.
Those are some of the lessons I've learned this year that have been VITAL in my healing, growing process.
But in all honesty, I couldn't have done it without Jesus' grace over my life.
And His LOVE ~ sheesh His love.
I'm not sure why I wrote this blog - it's deeply personal and deeply vulnerable.
But it's there.
It's real.
It happened and it affected my life in many many ways.
I'm grateful for it.
I'm grateful for the TRUTH that is found only in Jesus.
It is only Him & Him alone that provides healing, restoration, and CHANGE to a broken, mangled, ugly heart.
He makes all things new, He loves us, and Jesus alone is the way, truth, and life.
"Until you have given yourself to Him, you will not have a real self."
~ C.S. Lewis.
That being quoted, I'm SO glad to say that it's a journey, NOT a destination.
I will still have ugly fruit pop up in my life, ugly thoughts I have to take captive, ugly emotions that I have to surrender to God.
We're humans, we're being changed from glory to glory and that process will not be completed until we are standing with Christ with this world has passed away.
We don't have to have it all together to get an invitation to know Christ...
Lifehouse says it best:
"Forgetting all I'm lacking
completely incomplete
I'll take Your invitation...
if You'll take all of me."
That's so beautiful.
And so a place to come to before you entwine your roots with someone else's...
If you're one of the girls who's believing the lie that "marriage is the cure," I encourage you to {{{stop}}}
If anything, marriage is just a magnifying glass ~ and all those "issues" that you thought would be "cured" just get bigger and in the way of joy... and force you to deal face to face with them... except NOW you have someone who wants to intimately be a part of the yucky process. :)
Don't wait for a man's approval & acceptance to heal you...
Don't depend on a man's love to make you a whole person.
My advice? From experience? Surrender it to God now.
He knows it anyways.
He LONGS to heal your heart.
He LONGS to get His hands dirty and put the broken pieces back together again.
He LONGS for you to believe the TRUTH about your worth, your value in HIM alone.
He LONGS to empower you to live in JOY, in FREEDOM, completely untouchable from satan's lies and completely RESTORED in Him.
Let Him love you. Let Him heal you.
Let Him be ALL HE IS - your healer, your friend, your comforter, your security, your UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
He's all you need... He's willing to heal your heart, and that's more than enough.
