:::Living Proof:::

You know those times in life where you hear something old... in a new way... like it was the first time again and you wanted to just crawl into a secluded corner and ponder the old:new thing in your heart for hours? And hours? And... hours?

Yes? No? Tracking where I'm going? 

If you don't, maybe the name "Beth Moore" will help shed a little light on what I'm trying to explain. This post isn't going to be about Beth because first of all I'm sure she wouldn't care for it, which is another reason why she is so loved... humility is not something that escapes this wise woman with a mighty platform. 

However, the way the Lord used her to communicate to my heart in a new, fresh way was remarkable today. 

So, scenario. I found out late last night, Friday afternoon that Beth Moore was actually going to BE at the conference that I had previously heard about in Reading, PA.... before, I thought it was just going to be a simulcast of her preaching from another location... but NOPE - Beth was going to actually be IN PA... and Lord knows with us FINALLY living close to a place where amazing events like this come to (ie, a place that ISN'T Del Rio, Texas) I didn't want to miss it! 

So I rallied a couple girlfriends late last night - so random, so spontaneous, so fun - and convinced them to leave at 5:45am today to make the 2hr road trip to make it to the will-call office at the time it opened to hopefully snatch up some of the last few tickets! Yep... we were on a 2 hour road trip at 6am with only our teeny weeny HOPES of having tickets there waiting for us when we arrived... nutso. 

But it was fun. As you can see... :) My beautiful friends.

AND God knew what He was doing as He conveniently positioned us at the front of the line just in time to get tickets and front row seats!! 

YES! *Little victories... big grace!*

Again, this isn't about Beth because it never SHOULD be about Beth but it is COMPLETELY about what the Lord spoke to me today THROUGH Beth due to her obedience and willingness to reflect and direct ALL the glory back to Him... wow. 

She's a fast-talker with animated language and before I knew it I found myself taking notes like a mad-woman... here are some random thoughts that tugged on my heart I'm recollecting as I look over the chicken-scratch notes I took today:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"God didn't call us to 'fine' - He called us to 'faith.'"

"Do you want to live a miraculous life based on the supernatural provision of God, or do you want to live a humanly explainable life?" 

"Don't waste the harvest of failure... you will rarely have a better teacher than failure." 

"Faith faces the fact that there is no 'formula...'"

"If you got everything you need, you need a bigger life!" 

"Have you had your faith attacked? Attack back with your faith!!!"

"The Lord speaks; many, many women spread the good news." - Psalms 68:11 NET

"NEED is our invitation to the supernatural!" 

"You don't have everything you need until you are ABOUNDING in good works!!" 

"You may not be called to teach... but you ARE called to tell!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a few nuggets of truth from the weekend... these small snapshots of ideas don't do justice to the whole message but there is one in particular that I'm going to elaborate on:

"Faith trusts that every call to FORSAKE is a call to also TAKE!" 

Ah! Do you get that? 

Every time the Lord calls us to forsake something... whether it is jealousy, bitterness, unforgiveness, hate... He doesn't just call us to forsake it and leave us with a huge empty void! 

Everything the Lord calls us to forsake, He also calls us to TAKE!

What do we take to fill the void of the stuff He calls us to forsake? 

We TAKE joy, forgiveness, compassion... we TAKE UP His likeness to become more LIKE HIM! 

This brings such peace to my heart. This makes so much sense in my head.

I know this is somewhat random and I can't really put to words exactly what is stirring in my heart in head right now only that it's different. It's an old thing in a new way and I'm determined to F O R E V E R lean into it and pursue it. By "it" of course I mean HIM - His Spirit, fully alive in me, fully immersed in His word. 

I can't really go too much into it, but there has been a few things in my life that I came face to face with today as Beth was praying over me that sickened my stomach - eventually you have to come to a place where you look the enemy of your soul straight in the eye and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! 

That's where I am at today. 

Swimming, hardly keeping my head above water. 

Tired of fear that rules certain areas of my life. 

Tired of old habits that reinforce insecurity, shame and pain. 

Tired of living a life, supposedly called to freedom, while in chains that my Father holds the keys to! 

HE IS GOOD!

REGARDLESS OF CIRCUMSTANCE!

REGARDLESS OF HOW BAD WE ARE! 

HE IS GOOD AND HE GIVES HIS CHILDREN GOOD GIFTS! 

Ah. My heart is about to burst. Thank You Lord.

Anyways - I'm starting today and planning this road out with Him as my center. 

I've had quite enough of the shackles I've chosen to carry and am ready to release them. 

And I'm going to do it with a little help from sweet Beth herself... who made this incredible tool for us "shackled" to use to FIGHT with faith! It's right here -- I HIGHLY recommend you check it out! 

She calls it "The Great Forsake and Take" Book... it's a collection of compiled scriptures that deal directly with fear and help saturate your mind with truth over lies.

It is my guidebook for the next few months to combat these certain strongholds and I've never felt more capable or expectant of Him in this season. 

It's new... I love new... if you've ever read my blog before you KNOW how much I love NEW and once again, today is a new NEW for me. 

(Pathetic with the repetition? Perhaps. 

But I choose to take up a NEW self in Him instead of wallowing in my pathetic self. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.)

Alive - fully - living for His glory in His calling. 

With a renewed FAITH in the Son who is SO, so, so so so so so (times infinity) worthy. 

Trust in Him at all times, O people; 

pour out your heart before Him.

God is a refuge for us. 

Selah.

~ Psalms 62:8 ~

*Psst... if that link for "The Great Forsake and Take" book doesn't work, just go to blog.lproof.org and search for the post from September 15th, 2012. She has the book there for you :)

::: Better than Butterflies :::

Falling in love is a myth. 

Choosing to love is the reality. You don't "fall out of love" with someone... you choose to walk away.

- Pastor Carl Lentz, Hillsong NYC.

The truth of this quote moved my heart to the point of tears. I guess I'm just so obsessed with this topic - marriage - that perspectives like this one and several others really affect me. Inspiration... leads to writing.

First of all, I'd like to clarify something. I've had a few people that have read my blog express to me how it sounds like marriage is harder than they thought... how maybe it's something that they don't want to jump into.

Yikes! That comment made me sad & also wanted me to shed a bit of light on where I'm coming from when I write.

In response to these opinions, I'd like to say that yes... MARRIAGE IS HARD. It's one of the most challenging, refining, ugly-discovering things I've ever experienced in my life. YES it is hard and YES it's never something to just "jump into."

However, I like to blog because I like to write. I like to write because I process situations, ideas, events & perspectives BEST through writing. It allows me to sort out the good and bad and to see a clearer picture.

That being said, my blogs will always be just that... stories about the good and bad. I'm not going to sugar-coat it and I'm not going to pretend like my marriage or life in general is perfect because it is very far from it. I'm tired of society raising certain couples on pedestal's of "perfection" only to see them fall into the typical divorce statistic and leave the rest of us wondering... "how could this have happened?"

No. I'm keeping it real here, for my own sake more than others, and I'm hoping that THROUGH the ugliness, THROUGH the struggle, THROUGH the hard times... REDEMPTION, GROWTH, and PERSPECTIVE CHANGE are high-lighted more. My processing usually never dead-ends on a hopeless result, because in Jesus we are never hopeless!

My wish for whoever reads my blog is that they will be able to see the REALITY of marriage - both good and bad, at least from my perspective, to feel HOPE that hey, they aren't the only ones feeling like this after all... and to feel ENCOURAGED to grow and change... from ugly to beautiful.
Because that's what this journey is about... constant changing, growing, learning, seeking.

I'm not the same person I was two years ago when I wore white and walked down an aisle to my new forever... I thank Jesus for that.

That being said, in two years from even NOW, I DON'T want to be the same person I am today. There are still so many struggles, fears, insecurities, desires I want to continue to work through and surrender to Jesus.

2 Peter 3:18A says: 
"But grow in the grace & knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ." 

I love that... grow in the grace... 

So yes. That's what this blog is... a story of growing in grace... a journey to becoming a new, better, and WHOLE person IN Christ & in Him alone.
I PRAY that it will be more encouraging than discouraging... I pray that people who read it will perhaps be able to relate and process through whatever they're struggling with alongside me. That's my hope.

 Ok. Had to get that out there. Back to this incredible quote by Carl Lentz::::

"Falling in love is a myth. Choosing to love is the reality. You don't "fall out of love" with someone... you choose to walk away."

The weight of the truth of that quote was SO huge and is something I believe could completely CHANGE the nasty marriage statistics of today.

I've only been married for two years, but I can see the truth of this quote SO CLEARLY even through the hard times I've experienced in my marriage.

I'm convinced that marriage changes you... and it let's YOU decide which way you're going to change.

It can either make you more selfish, or less selfish.

It can either make you a better communicator, or a worse communicator.

It can either make you grow in faith, or become angry at God.

It can either make you a happy person, or a bitter person.

You choose.

I've had to make those tough decisions already, even this week. We got into somewhat of an ugly squabble, over something dumb and driven by insecurity... (are you as tired of this pattern as I am? If not, read here, here, here and here and maybe then you'll understand how pathetic I can really be...) and again I was faced with the decision of what type of person I want to be.

It's insane when I think about how different my life would be if I weren't married.
I mean, I doubt I would EVER grow, haha.
That's extreme, and I'm sure I would, but NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE have I had such tangible, in my face opportunities to:
1) Act Ugly
2) NOTICE IT. 
3) Decide which way I'm going to go with it.
4) Have the chance to make the right decision... and make it right. 

My friendships in high school hardly ever led me through this process of change.
And if they did, sometimes my pride would get the better of me and convince me to cling to it; stopping at step 3 & deciding that "well, guess I don't need you after all..." this produced maybe more distance or less intimacy in the friendship and sometimes that was fine because GUESS WHAT... I didn't have to crawl into bed with that person and wake up with them the next day for the rest of my life!!

Hello Marriage :)

I believe Step 3 is the stage that, **in most cases, leads to divorce.
What's so amazing/burdensome is that, it's completely in YOUR POWER.
YOU DECIDE. 
Just like Pastor Carl Lentz explains... "falling in love is a myth... choosing to love is the reality."

See, one day you'll wake up and the fuzzy's will be gone and the perfect flawless look you always had when you dated will be gone and the butterflies you get when he sends you a text will be gone and you ALWAYS NEEDING to be in contact with him throughout the whole day will be gone...

And that fresh "fallen in love" feeling you had, that you thought would/should last forever, will most likely be gone.
And Step 3 will maybe be the hardest decision you have to make. 

BUT - when your face to face with Step 3 and you choose:
humility. 
grace. 
compassion.
patience. 
love. 
forgiveness. 
or as my Pastor Andy Stanley says, "believing the best about that person..."

Here's what happens.
You get a deeper, more intimate love than I promise you have EVER experienced in any dating relationship.
I'm telling you, butterflies absolutely pale in comparison.
Because it's made of something REAL.
It's made from a DIFFICULT CHOICE.
It renews HOPE; you guys CAN do this.
It's wrapped in HUMILITY; I will ALWAYS consider you better than myself.
It's wrapped in GRACE; yes I FORGIVE you and I'm not going anywhere.
It's wrapped in TRUTH; til death do us part. 

It's been through the fire & come out stronger than ever.
Day in and Day out. 

THIS LOVE is worth letting go of the butterflies and flawlessness and perfection and silly expectations. 
It's REAL and it LASTS FOREVER. 

Isn't that what we all want anyways? A love that lasts forever.

Wow. I've never really written a blog before that made me cry until right now.
I'm literally typing these words and becoming overwhelmed with emotion because it MAKES SENSE and it TARGETS ME.
I guess I'm blown away by His Grace.
Apart from Jesus we can have NONE of this.
Because apart from Jesus we CAN'T truly love, have humility, show grace... because it doesn't exist outside of Him. 

I don't want a cheap love that works when everything is good and disappears when our TRUE SELVES (ie. the ugly, selfish, terrible souls wrapped in skin) come out.

Because we're human and we're imperfect and with as much as everyone always uses that as an excuse... in marriage, that fact is something easily forgotten.

We will face our "Step 3's" probably every single day for the rest of our lives... many times without warning. 
We'll be face to face in this sudden fight, sometimes out of nowhere, maybe terribly ugly and uncalled for... and we can DECIDE what to do.

You hold that power.
And if you're married, I really encourage you to decide today what type of spouse you are going to be.

CHOOSE to love, CHOOSE to forgive, CHOOSE to believe the best when all things point to the worst.
All these tiny decisions will either lead you to a real, true love that is better than butterflies... or to a divorce court. 
You have the choice. Fight for your marriage.



**I know that there are other reasons that lead to divorce; addiction, unfaithfulness, abuse to name a few... I'm really not trying to dismiss those reasons. The "Step 3" I'm talking about is made much more difficult in those situations, but what I'm referring to is when those aren't present and when instead you have as Dr. Eggerich's says, "two good will people." Just wanted to clarify that! 

:::Word of the Year:::

Ahhhhh, Passion.

The past few days I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs (in my heart, of course.) “I WANNA BE AT PASSION!”

At the same volume and decibel level, I’ve paralleled those silent screams with, “THANK YOU JESUS FOR TECHNOLOGY!”

Seriously? What an awesome time in history to live in.

I can watch Louie Giglio preach a sermon to 44,000 people and join in worship with Chris Tomlin & Hillsong United even though I’m thousands of miles away, in a tiny town on the border.

I’ve battled emotions in my heart of longing to be there and experience it all first hand, and reminding myself that Jesus isn’t exclusive only to people at Passion – I can cultivate His presence & worship Him RIGHT NOW, in my real day to day life here in Texas. I’m ok with that. And the times when I didn’t feel ok with that, that just revealed to me more of my heart. The ugly side, of course.

It blows my mind how in need I am of God’s grace.

I have access to Him every moment of every day – I have and HAVE HAD an open invitation to a relationship of the purest, most unconditional love, and sometimes I forget. Or ignore. Or pretend that I don’t need it. How foolish.

I’ve recently caught on to the trend that people are labeling certain years with WORDS: my sweet friend Jessica, for example, had “hope” as her “word theme” for 2010. This year, her “word of the year” is Joy.

A wonderful woman who’s blog I recently discovered – Ann Voskamp – ALSO labels each year with a word. Bunny Trail: This woman writes in the most beautiful way I’ve seen in a long time. Her style of writing paints a picture and I can feel the heartbeat behind each word, I NEVER read her blog and click on the small upper-right cornered “X” feeling like I wanna stay the same, where I am. It is so inspiring.

That being said, the other day I read her blog for the new year. Of course, it was beautiful. I was moved; left me wanting more, wanting deeper, wanting change, wanting NEW.

Here's an excerpt from it...

"Contentment isnt a state of organization, a weight on the scale, a state of better: better kids, better marriage, better health, better house.

Contentment is never a matter of circumstances; contentment is always a state of communion - a daily embracing of God - and moment and life just as He gives it.

Trying harder may only bring harder trials, and contentment won't be found in the resolutions, but in the revolutions: in the turning round to God."

Say hello to my new “word of the year” – CONTENTMENT.

Which we now see has more action in it besides trying to convince myself of clutching to a particular state of mind...

This tiny excerpt from a profound blog mixed with occasional livestream glimpses of what God is doing on downtown Atlanta has left me starving for something else.

Life is too short to live in a state of rebellion against a God who literally IS LOVE – He is the source of it, the root of it. You can’t have LOVE apart from God because it doesn’t exist.

That being said, I don’t want to rebel against Love, I want to be drowned in it. And brought back to life in it. I want all that Love has for me & I want my heart to be solely and wholly attached to it.

“Contentment is always a state of communion…” – the hands of contentment fit perfectly in the hands of love. Both hands probably have a tattoo of “thankfulness” written on their palms, and gripped tightly all the same.

That being said, my “new years resolution” if you will – more like my constant LIFE resolution that I’m just piggy-backing onto a list of to-do’s for the first week of January – is to live in COMMUNION with this wholly OTHER and wholly HOLY King of Kings.

Communion with Jesus really can only produce GOOD GOOD THINGS:

Communion with Him makes you see how small you are… squash pride welcome humility.

Communion with Him makes you see who YOU are… squash fear welcome identity.

Communion with Him makes you see the big picture… squash selfishness welcome worship.

Communion with Him makes you want Him more… squash apathy welcome obsession.

Communion with Him makes you capable of doing anything… squash insecurity welcome PASSION.

On the second to last day of 2011, I was driving in my handsome brother’s car and as I started the car, a song was playing on his ipod that I hadn’t heard in F O R E V E R.

The song was called Magnificent Obsession by Steven Curtis Chapman – an oldie but a gooooooodie.

As the song began, a song that like said I hadn’t heard in FOREVER mind you, the lyrics started coming back to memory:

“Lord you how much, I wanna know so much, in the way of answers and expectations…

I have tried and prayed, and still I seem to stay, in the middle of life’s complications.

All this pursuing leaves me feelings like I’m chasing down the wind..

But now it’s brought me back to you, and I can see again…

This is everything I want, this is everything I need.

I want You to be my one CONSUMING PASSION.

Everything my heart desires, Lord I want it all to be for YOU Jesus,

be my Magnificent Obsession!

Return me to the cross, let me be completely lost

In the wonder of your grace & your mercy

Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things...

Let all my dreams fall to the ground until this ONE remains…”

- YEP. Tears. Perhaps, a product of birth control and a self-promise to let my heart feel deep deep emotions – of friends or stories or situations or the like.

These tears to me at that moment represented a mourning of the life I’ve let myself live and the hope of the upcoming new year and new-NESS.

But what was really making me cry were the lyrics of that last line... "let all my dreams fall to the ground until this ONE remains..." WHAT? All my DREAMS? Is that really want I want, to only let ONE of my many big dreams remain & sacrifice the rest?

I got to thinking about it, between wiping my wet eyes, and decided that my answer would be YES LORD.

If I’m going to pray a prayer regarding dreams, as I welcome this new year, I’m going to pray that ALL MY OTHER DREAMS WOULD FALL TO THE GROUND UNTIL JUST ONE DREAM REMAINS – the dream of Jesus becoming my magnificent Obsession.

I have a feeling that this prayer is both stupid and scary but it’s not.

I have a feeling that that’s what I want in the deepest deeps of my heart even though sometimes in the shallowed shallows of my mind I can’t grip it.

I have a feeling that this is what I need to literally survive – and this magnificent obsession will bring my word of the year to LIFE – TO MY LIFE.

How to get there?

“Embrace every scar as surgery — to make me more like His Son.

Embrace every pain as a peeling away of something - to make me know it in new ways, that He is enough.

Embrace every moment as a miracle - that it might never have been. That makes me to walk to all is grace." - Ann Voskamp

Hello. Funny how much Perspective Change = beginning of contentment.

The perspective change in regards to pain/fear/doubt/insecurity can change your whole outlook on your life… and words like HOPE, JOY, AND CONTENTMENT can just AWAKEN to you and become something more than a pretty word that you can hang up on your wall.

Of course, I write to process. So these ideas I am screaming to myself in the mirror right now more than just sharing. At times I feel far from letting these words become untangible descriptions of my day instead of pretty words that I decorate my home with – but I’m going there, moving forward in that direction with a willing heart, which I guess is the first step anyways.

I want to be content with ALL things. It’s a NEW YEAR – a new beginning and a fresh start means grace and a fresh start means no shame and all surpassing peace if you know that your future is held tightly by someone who DIED for you.

Rest in it. Be content with it.

He really is a good, good Savior.

:::New:Blank:Fresh:::

I soooo very much love New Years.

It's my favorite holiday, hands down.

I'm a date person, I love & remember dates & anniversaries of special events. I can tell you the date of my husband & my's first kiss... our whole timeline. I got it down to a T.

That being said... the idea of a "new year" is directly equivalent to a fresh start, and I can say that I LOVE fresh starts almost as much as I love calendars.

I feel like everything "new" is so equivalent to Jesus' will for your/my life.

He comes in, right smack dab in the middle of my perfectly unhealthy mess, and initiates the clean-up.

Not only does he initiate cleanup, but he fixes the broken parts, glues together the shattered pieces, and spit-shine's the embarrassing, dust-covered/stained corners til' I'm pure as snow. BRAND. NEW.

Unbelievable.

Right now I'm listening to lyrics that have literally SO been ingrained in my brain with their beautiful melody, ever since I was a wee youngin' during my days at _tag... but I can't imagine God putting a more perfect song in my ears at this exact moment than this very tune:

"A thousand times I've failed, still You're Mercy remains... should I stumble again, I'm caught in Your Grace..."

I don't know of a more enticing invitation than that. Especially with the intimately personal knowledge I have of the messy, dark, cob-webbed corners of my own heart.

2011 is O V E R.

I love ending chapters & starting new ones.

And I HATE ending chapters right in the middle of the chapter.

I believe Jesus is so perfectly timely in his idea of New Years - He's done it over and over again in my life. (Every 365 give/take days to be exact.)

What's funny is, that sometimes, as I enter what I believe to be in my heart a NEW, BLANK, FRESH PAGE... I always have my flesh speak up & REMIND me to admit that I don't deserve it. Or that I'll fail if I try with this "fresh, clean start" - so why try?

Nonsense...

"A Thousand times I've failed... still Your mercy remains... should I stumble again?" Oh yes. More like WHEN I stumble again.

Mind you, it's only the second day of the new year and I'm ashamed to admit that the word "WHEN" in that particular context has applied more times than I'll let you know.

It looks like so: Impatience. Doubt. Lack of faith. Lack of contentment. Jealousy. Fear. Pride. Pride. Pride.

Ugh. Forever will I battle?

"It's about the JOURNEY - not the DESTINATION..."

Or as my ridiculously awesome brother told me over Christmas break... something that his sweet friend shared with him...

"We aren't human BEINGS... we are human BECOMINGS..."

We are CONSTANTLY BECOMING - we are constantly moving towards SOMETHING... you decide what that "thing" is!

The second we think we've "made it" - whether in regards to our character, status, heart, relationship with God, etc... we've missed the point entirely.

Oh pride I hate you.

Yet you seem to love me!

NO.

2012 - I welcome you. Because of what you represent to me - because of the promise of NEW-NESS that Jesus is whispering to my heart... because of the chance to close a chapter and begin a beautiful one, again.

Time to start fresh - whatever that looks like to you.

To me?

Yes, I'm starting fresh.

Re-committing my heart, my life, my thoughts, my emotions - to the King who literally deserves it all in a way that I don't have words to express.

Sometimes I think, {{how many times do I have to freakin' do this??}}

BUT it's in the moment that, when I think I have exhausted myself from trying {again} to recommit & make the decision to do so no longer... that my heart will literally DIE.

NEVER!

A Thousand times I've failed - STILL HIS MERCY REMAINS!

Should I stumble again - I'M CAUGHT IN HIS GRACE!!

Don't let your pride keep you from falling on your face... again... and humbling yourself before a God who's love will NEVER FAIL YOU.

Don't let your pride keep you from admitting that you need a fresh start... again.. and walking that walk ahead, but this time with FAITH and not an obsession with your "GOOD DEEDS."

Don't take this fresh, blank page & throw it away out of ego - and don't take it and scribble nonsense on it because "it's what you've been doing all along and what you deserve..."

Believe me - I don't deserve this second (actually, more like 3,425th) chance AGAIN. I don't.

But at this point I have a choice to make.

Believe God can redeem me, broken, ugly, pathetic, slug-like ME, - believe I need my heart and mind to be RENEWED DAILY to walk this thing I'm talking - and BELIEVE that My FAITH ALONE is counted to me as righteousness...

EG: "All our righteous deeds are like filthy rags..." - Isaiah 64:6

Not just believe in God... but BELIEVE HIM!!

Take Him at His word!

Believe I am His daughter!

Believe I am HIS BELOVED!

Believe I have an inheritance!

Believe He has washed my sins away!
Believe I can do anything through Him!

Believe He gave me a helper!

Believe He has a PLAN for my life!

Believe He works everything out for GOOD in my life!

Believe He can do what He says He can do!

Believe that I am NOTHING without His Grace!

Believe that not ANYTHING can separate me from His love!

Believe that His ways are higher!

Believe that I must decrease, He must increase!

Believe that He has a plan to prosper my life!

Believe that by His stripes I am healed!

Believe that I don't have to conform to the world, but that I can RENEW MY MIND!

Believe that He loves me!

Believe that HE MAKES ALL THINGS NEW!

I'm opening my heart to Him... again.

I would like to DECLARE that 2012, in regards to MY life, is HIS for the taking.

Not because I'm an uneducated, naive little girl who is believing in something that she's been fed her whole life.

But because I have SEEN HIS FAITHFUL FRIENDSHIP literally all throughout my days... I've seen Him conform even the most unlikely person into one that is wholly in love with Him... I've seen Him radically transform lives... and I see that His message of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, Peace, Joy Unspeakable, Humility, Loyalty, Patience, Inward Beauty, Compassion, Faith - is SO UNLIKE anything society is trying to get us to believe and HIS WAY IS BETTER.

Cheers to a new year.

If this is the millionth time, or the first time, I encourage you to not let your failures stop you from accepting this grace & starting over..

He is love, He gives love, and He has ordained you to live through yet ANOTHER - NEW YEAR - and He's a God who makes all things new.

Quit talking the talk... I speak that as much to myself as to anyone... and DIVE DEEP into His words & His truth.

Nothing else in the entire world matters... so why waste yet another year? Why scribble nonsense on a perfectly clean crisp white page?

It's yours - He's given you enough grace to begin NEW today... take it.

Stop living your life for yourself and begin living your life for someone who has the BIG PICTURE!

He loves you... so very much.

So much, in fact, that He'll wipe your slate clean if you let Him.

a blog for my Tita:::

So it was a day like any other day.

I was checking my facebook and I saw a status my sister had posted about finally being able to walk without crutches!

I got SO excited for her and proceeded to write on her facebook wall, "FINALLY YOU'RE NOT A GIMP! Now you have NO EXCUSE to not do the incline with me when I'm out there in September for Lauren's wedding!"

I made it to the word "excuse" before I realized something huge... and weird.

Tita's not going to be there.

When I go back to Colorado, Tita won't be there. She'll be away at college in California.

At that realization, I started to cry.

My crying turned to bawling. Like, literal, heart-wrenching sobs with tears streaming down my face.

Sitting on your bed, crying all by yourself can be weird sometimes, I'll be honest - so I was grateful when sweet husband came over to find out what in the world his emotional wife was crying about.

He actually LOVES it when I cry, he think's it's so vulnerable and he loves being able to comfort me when I'm a mess of tears. So I told him why I was crying - yes I thought it was a dumb reason - and he held me for a while until the sobs ceased.

Of course I blame the birth control, but I also can't help but blame the fact that... growing up sucks sometimes.

My baby sister is going to college.

WHAAAT?

This beautiful gal is finally going to COLLEGE???

That can't be the same baby sister who:

- at age 6 sneakily (word?) stuffed her pants with socks so that my mom's spanking wouldn't hurt... haha :)

- would wear the SAME DAMN YELLOW SMILEY FACE BEANIE (or "tooook" for you Canadian readers) EVERY SINGLE DAY for a solid 3 years of her life

- preferred oversized, comfy clothes over anything "trendy" (to this day, that is still the case.)

- has "THE THING."

- writes beautiful poems and songs in her room into the wee hours of the morning

- has a lame victory dance.

- used to put on as many unmatched pieces of clothing as she could.

- would sneak up on the roof with me and star-gaze (don't tell my parents.)

- loved Buddy more than all of us combined.

- would be my music blasting buddy for Orianthi - Kellie Pickler - & Taylor Swift.

- would steal my clothes. And jewelery. And everything. (little turd.)

- watched her team win the State Championship from the sidelines - cheering them on and being GENUINELY HAPPY for the girls despite her crappy circumstances.

My sister is one of the most amazing people I know.

She has a servant's heart - she's a loyal friend and a friend to every single person she meets. Literally. Every person that meets my sister always tells me, "Tita is just so... awesome." There's just something about her that makes other people she meets feel SO important.

I love that about her.

She's hilarious & HAPPY. She's naive sometimes and I love it. She's patient and honest and loyal. She is so GENUINE and so REAL - not some fake high school girl that hides behind pounds of makeup and lives off of talking crap about other people.

She is BEAUTIFUL and doesn't know it.

She's wise and loving with her friends.

She knows who she is and doesn't get caught up standing in front of a mirror for hours - what you see is what you get when it comes to Tita - so beautiful.

She believes the best about people.

She loves Jesus and is GENUINE in her pursuit of Him.

She's an ABSOLUTELY incredible athlete and keeps a humble heart despite her success... seriously this girl is amazing.

She makes me so proud - I LOVE that I can call her my baby sister, and I tear up at the thought of her not being home next time I return to Colorado. :(

So... this is just a tribute to Tita.
The most incredible baby sister in the world.
I'm so thankful for her - so blessed.

And I don't mind a bit bragging about how incredible she is - because she doesn't get it as often as she deserves and BELIEVE ME she deserves it... every word.

Dear Tita,

You're amazing and everyone knows it. I love you. I'm proud of you. I love who you are as a person - so FUN and REAL and HAPPY and GENUINE. I love everything about you. I wish I had been a better sister to you - if I could go back in time I'd have you with me every step of the way :) But I'm so excited for the years we have to come... I love that you'll always be in my life.

I'm proud of you for your positive attitude despite the tough 4 months you've had. You've been an inspiration to me and to the people lucky enough to share these last 4 months with you. And now... you're going to freakin COLLEGE!!!

Of course, as your big, WISE sister I have to give you advice as you leave the Colorado Nest & settle in California... so here's my advice. The best I got. I hope you take away something from it.

1) KNOW Jesus. Don't just know about Him. Don't just know some things He's said... KNOW Him. Intimately. KNOW His heart - KNOW how He loves people - KNOW what His reactions would be in certain situations - KNOW His opinion of people - KNOW His truth - KNOW His humility, His servant heart, His radical words, His necessary relationship with the Father. The world is going to flash intelligent arguments and the Christian church is going to try to counter them in every circumstance - but if you KNOW Jesus, you will KNOW how to respond and what He looks like in certain situations.

He loves and He loves extravagantly... be like Him.

2) Fear not. Don't be afraid to try new things and make mistakes. Make wise choices about the things you try - but don't be afraid. Worse case scenario... you wind up pregnant and we have a little baby Tita running around. We'd still love you, promise. But you'd have plenty of regrets & if you could go back, you'd probably do things a little differently. ALWAYS THINK: is what I'm about to do going to affect my life to the point where if I could go back, I'd want to change it??
Live life with no secrets, and live life with NO REGRETS. You'll be SO happy you did. PLUS - and I can speak from experience - sex within marriage is just TOO wonderful and SO WORTH waiting for. So be wise - but don't hesitate to try new things. Dream big and fall big - we'll love you. You'll always have a family that adores you. But make wise decisions & pursue a righteous life in JESUS - full of love for people!

3) Be YOU. Don't become like every other college girl... please. Don't be worried about your outward appearance, don't compare yourself to the other "california beauties" around you - you are BEAUTIFUL because of your appearance, your smile, and especially your heart. WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW is so more than enough.
Don't get caught up with the trends, with clothes, with who's the prettiest or the skinniest or the coolest. You are ALL those things and more and who you are is so perfectly wonderful - don't change a THING.

4) Learn everything. Literally. Knowledge is power. The more you know about life, relationships, education, and especially JESUS - the stronger you will be as a person and as a follower of Jesus. Be a sponge - realize that school is an opportunity to LEARN ABOUT EVERYTHING and soak it all up. The more you know - the more influential you will be.

5) Guard your heart. What's in your heart comes out in your words and actions. If you want to love people, let Christ's love be IN YOU. I know it's so cliche but it's really hard to do. Don't guard your heart from love - guard your heart TO love. Don't fill your mind with things that don't matter - don't let your heart be worried about things that are out of your control. Guard it against the world and keep it consecrated to Jesus.

6) TRUST Jesus. Trust Him with everything - even the little things. Include Him in every area of your life. He's there and He loves you and you don't have to worry about a THING because HE said so. Rest in that. Trust Him with your relationships, your career, your healing process with your knee, your homework, everything. Your college experience will improve significantly the sooner you realize that He holds it all together anyways.

7) Chase wisdom. DO it. Look for wisdom and practice wisdom in every situation. Ask your teachers, ask your coaches, ask your friends. Don't just be impulsive - be patient and chase after wisdom for your decisions. And if I were you - I really would ask mom & dad. Seriously. We're lucky to have parents that are as wise and care about us as much as they do. Don't take that for granted, USE OUR PARENTS. Be wise and chase wisdom all the time.

8) Eat Healthy. I know this is a lame one, but seriously. The older I've gotten the more and more I've realized HOW FREAKISHLY IMPORTANT this is. Take care of your body. Stay away from sugar, from flour, from carbs. Eat veggies & fruits & DRINK TONS OF WATER. Your healthy, UN-DIABETIC, in-shape 50 year old body will thank me for this one down the road... but if you ignore me, you're FAT, DIABETIC, UGLY body will regret it every day. Trust me. Eat healthy & eat small portions & love your body - it's not vain - IT'S IMPORTANT.

9) Give 100% in everything you do. So corny - but so vital. Especially as a college athlete. You're not playing as a goalie for Master's College - you're playing for someone bigger than that. Don't give 50% - give 100% every day. Every time. In relationships too - be the friend that is dependable, loyal, fun, and in it for the long haul. It'll make you a better person and it'll shine a light, promise.

10) HAVE FUN. Laugh a lot. Make memories. Play jokes. Bake cookies & make weird smoothies. Go to fro-yo bars & pile on the mocchi for me. Eat chocolate even if you don't like it. Take TONS of pictures - more funny ones than serious ones. Go to the ocean as often as possible, it gives you good perspective and reminds you how small you really are. Don't take yourself too seriously. Love people. Go running, just because you can. Learn a lot. Find friends that will be there forever. Stay up late watching movies. Don't do drugs - dream bigger than drugs. Don't skip classes & get behind... that just equals more stress every time. Don't drink before you turn 21 - respect your authorities. BUT when you turn 21 - drink Budlight Lime & Woodchuck... they're by far the BEST. Set a goal & do it. If you get in a car with someone who is drinking and driving and still survive... I'm gonna kill you anyways. That's stupid and unnecessary and you'll regret it. When you're alone in your room, find some trashy rap song and turn it way up and dance your heart out - seriously, I've tried it when I was alone in my house and it's so freakin fun. ALWAYS encourage people - if you think someone looks beautiful, tell them. Don't be stingy with your words, your words might make someone's day a lot better. Blast Orianthi, Taylor, & Kellie whenever you can & think of me. :)

Don't forget to talk to your family at least once a week and always remember - we're only a few hours away.

Munchy - you make me happy. Thanks for making all of us so proud - seriously you have. I'm crying right now thinking about how sad I'll be when I come back to Colorado and you won't be there. But I'm SO excited for you and your future. I dont' care where you go or what you accomplish in life - you'll always be my fun, crazy baby sister who needs to mail me back that bathing suit you stole from me.... turd. :)

Dream big dreams Tita - and above all else,
love people & love Jesus... and love em' big.

I love you poop head.

Now go knock em' dead. :)

::Dear Bride::

I love how everyone thinks that marriage is the ultimate "cure-all" for problems.

Now, I doubt anyone would openly admit to believing that statement, including myself - but if I'm being completely honest & real here, I know that deep down in my heart and probably deep down in EVERYONE's heart, there's an element of truth to the speculation behind that completely idealistic/unrealistic belief.

So I struggle with insecurity now? Oh, I know that'll all just vanish when I get married. I struggle with self-image? No worries, being married will cure that. Fear? Jealousy? Doubt? Once again, as soon as I get that final ring on my finger and say my vows, I'll be good to go. Problem, solved.

wrong.

I think the enemy is completely behind that thought process, and uses it for a few reasons.

1) If we have that idea in mind, we don't confront our issues and problems head on, right NOW. When you think that a "for-sure-cure" is in the cards, then why get your emotions in an uproar and deal with your issues now? Why get your hands dirty when it'll all be solved soon? That lie keeps us from total surrender to God.

2) he loves to steal from us - our joy, our security, our lives. I'm sure satan LOVES watching us females believe that lie; we go into a marriage with our hearts set on that complete "hope of change," and then... we fall. We fall even deeper & harder when we realize that hope of healing was nothing but a lie. He builds us up higher and higher to make our fall harder than ever. Cue self-hatred, guilt, anger, and that pesky problem that you thought would be "cured" by the Covenant.... insecurity.

I can just picture satan sitting there, ugly as ever, eating some type of nasty popcorn, watching our lives unfold into tears, heartbreak, and self-hate like it's some type of comedy.

Our hope's/expectations of being healed in a marriage are slowly shattered and intimacy in marriage begins to evaporate... and he loves it.

Anything God is, satan hates. Period. he is the opposite of God in every way and whatever God creates, satan creates a counterfeit. his agenda is only to steal, kill and destroy... our lives, our character, our hope, our future, our families, our dreams, our society, our government, our friendships, and especially our marriages.

So... like I said, I'm sure deep down somewhere I believed that lie.

I went into my marriage thinking that whatever jealousy, insecurity, fear I dealt with would all soon be wiped away by my handsome Prince, my Knight in Shining Armor... my "savior."

Oh, believe me, my Billy is SO many wonderful things... but "savior" is not one of them.

So there I am, a broken person who doesn't realize just HOW broken she is, promising my life to an incredible person who I am subconsciously expecting to "fix me."

Begin the marriage.

Month 1: pretty blissful. A few "flare ups" here and there regarding my pre-marital issues... but still expecting healing.

Month 2: coasting by. Same story with more "flare ups." Slowly realizing that Billy isn't curing me...

Month 3: Still no cure. Still so many issues. Still heart-break, still fear, still doubt and insecurity. Self-hatred sets in...

Month 4: self-hatred yields no fruit. satan still whispering lies, and I'm letting him... "You're married now, why are you still struggling with this? Why can't you just be happy? You're a terrible wife... you're a terrible woman... you don't deserve this amazing guy... you should leave him so he can find someone better because he deserves better than you..." lies, lies, lies.

The marriage continued.

So many wonderful times, so many rocky times... still no healing.

Still no problem resolution.

Still so much guilt and self-hatred over my reactions and feelings.

At one point, my husband wanted me to go to counseling and I refused, because I believed another lie; the lie that says, I KNOW what the problem is, so I could fix it! I don't need help. (Lie.)

Satan is so good at what he does...

But Jesus is even better.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I never fully realized how messed up of a person I was until this year.

This year His grace came FULLY ALIVE to me - the meaning of it, the truth of it, the necessity of it.

I felt His grace in the way my husband treated me... despite my ugly attitudes, reactions, or accusations. He was so patient, so loving, so endearing and supportive. Jesus' love shined through Billy & I felt so much grace in that relationship. (I'm forever grateful.)

I felt His grace in the way He let an awesome man, Aaron Stern, speak painful truth into my life and bring counseling & healing.

I felt His grace in the way He allowed Beth Moore to preach a sermon at Passion that was literally JUST for me, empowering me through the Holy Spirit.

I felt His grace in the way He gave me a best friend who encouraged me, believed in me, LISTENED to me and loved me through my crazy times.

I felt His grace in the way He allowed me to experience the low lows - the kind of lows I NEVER thought I would experience - as use those times to be able to sympathize & gain a deeper understanding for the way people experience intense pain, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I never used to be able to relate/understand those people... now I can. GRACE.

I felt His grace in the way He used my parents to "let go" but still love me enough to be there for me, ready to advise, ready to love, ready to welcome me home anytime.

SO. MUCH. GRACE.

"If Grace is an ocean, we're all sinking..."

I recently heard my sweet friend Lindsey say "Our hindsight is always 20/20" - SO true.

I've been married just over a year, and as I look back on this past year, I can see the hand of God, the GRACE of God, so clearly over my life.

I made mistakes. I said things I shouldn't have said. I did things I shouldn't have done. I salted wounds, I set myself up for failure, I fell fast and hard. There are some things I would LOVE to be able to go back and change... but I don't carry the condemnation. Jesus forgave me so why would I not forgive myself?

BIG LESSONS I LEARNED THIS YEAR:

1) "Healing never happens outside of intimacy with Christ. The healing of our wound flows out of our union with Him." - John Eldredge "Wild at Heart."

- Healing hurts.

It's a deeply personal process. It's impossible to heal without getting your hands dirty and your emotions in a whirlwind. It's necessary for growth, it's necessary for any positive change in your life.. It can't happen outside of deep, time-filled dissection of your heart.

2) "God has a will for your life, and so does satan." - Beth Moore

The weight of the the truth of this statement just floors me. Satan wants to destroy every area of my life. he wants me to live in guilt, shame, insecurity. But the thing is that I can fight the battle from a place of VICTORY and can stop his lies dead in their tracks. They only have as much power over my life as I let them have. I can live in truth, in victory, because of what Jesus did for me, not what satan speaks to me.

3) "You can't change the way you feel about something, but you can change the way you THINK about it, which will change the way you feel." - Beth Moore

Perhaps the biggest lesson I've learned this year is just how incredibly POWERFUL my mind is. If I allow my mind to, it can create a negative thought rooted in fear/insecurity and MANIFEST it into the most real, hideous thing that controls my emotions to the point of serious depression. I don't have to let my thoughts run wild - I can control them and take them captive to the obedience of Christ. I am SO grateful for the way God showed this to me - He so gently allowed me to realize the damage I was causing my heart, emotions, and marriage by allowing satan's lies manifest into actions and reactions that destroyed who I wanted to be.

4) "Instead of leaning AWAY from Billy when you have a problem, you need to lean INTO Billy and allow him to share the burden with you. That's what marriage is." - Aaron Stern

I am now a HUGE fan of counseling. Not only is it healthy for your heart, but the benefits of it just spill out into every area of your life. My college Pastor at my former church met with me a couple times in the fall and REALLY helped me process through some of my issues. He helped me realize that marriage won't work if I try to fix all my problems on my own, THEN come to Billy as a "whole person." Nope. Billy NEEDS me to NEED him. He NEEDS me to lean INTO him, to allow him into the broken places of my heart and let him help me pick up the pieces. So grateful for all that counseling and SO grateful for a husband who was ecstatic when I told him I was gonna stop trying to fix everything by myself, but was gonna let him in to be a part of the ugly process :) I'm a lucky girl.

5) "Jealousy is never the problem. It's only the fruit of the problem. The root, however, is a heart that needs to be loved into security... I knew that the root of jealousy in any part of my life was stemming from the blood-sucking trait of insecurity." - Christa Black Blog

- This is a new but MUCH NEEDED revelation for me. Jealousy isn't the problem - it's just a FRUIT of the problem. WOW. So whenever this ugly, bitter fruit rears it's ugly little head in my life, I can stop, take a step back and check my heart to see what the real issue is. Have I been feeding my heart with satan's lies? Have I been allowing vain pursuits take the place of the best pursuit? Have I expected my love and security to come solely from Billy instead of my Father in heaven who LOVES me? See? Heart-check. SO good.

Those are some of the lessons I've learned this year that have been VITAL in my healing, growing process.

But in all honesty, I couldn't have done it without Jesus' grace over my life.

And His LOVE ~ sheesh His love.

I'm not sure why I wrote this blog - it's deeply personal and deeply vulnerable.

But it's there.

It's real.

It happened and it affected my life in many many ways.

I'm grateful for it.

I'm grateful for the TRUTH that is found only in Jesus.

It is only Him & Him alone that provides healing, restoration, and CHANGE to a broken, mangled, ugly heart.

He makes all things new, He loves us, and Jesus alone is the way, truth, and life.

"Until you have given yourself to Him, you will not have a real self."

~ C.S. Lewis.

That being quoted, I'm SO glad to say that it's a journey, NOT a destination.

I will still have ugly fruit pop up in my life, ugly thoughts I have to take captive, ugly emotions that I have to surrender to God.

We're humans, we're being changed from glory to glory and that process will not be completed until we are standing with Christ with this world has passed away.

We don't have to have it all together to get an invitation to know Christ...

Lifehouse says it best:

"Forgetting all I'm lacking

completely incomplete

I'll take Your invitation...

if You'll take all of me."

That's so beautiful.

And so a place to come to before you entwine your roots with someone else's...

If you're one of the girls who's believing the lie that "marriage is the cure," I encourage you to {{{stop}}}

If anything, marriage is just a magnifying glass ~ and all those "issues" that you thought would be "cured" just get bigger and in the way of joy... and force you to deal face to face with them... except NOW you have someone who wants to intimately be a part of the yucky process. :)

Don't wait for a man's approval & acceptance to heal you...

Don't depend on a man's love to make you a whole person.

My advice? From experience? Surrender it to God now.

He knows it anyways.

He LONGS to heal your heart.

He LONGS to get His hands dirty and put the broken pieces back together again.

He LONGS for you to believe the TRUTH about your worth, your value in HIM alone.

He LONGS to empower you to live in JOY, in FREEDOM, completely untouchable from satan's lies and completely RESTORED in Him.

Let Him love you. Let Him heal you.

Let Him be ALL HE IS - your healer, your friend, your comforter, your security, your UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

He's all you need... He's willing to heal your heart, and that's more than enough.