:::Conclusive:::

When it comes to the condition of my heart, these past few months have been somewhat of a struggle for me. I'm just going to jump right into it, if you don't mind.

In high school I was the popular, athletic, out-going, Jesus loving class clown (literally, my voted title two years in a row). I had tons of friends and loved being around people. I was far from being the prissy, pretty, cheerleader-y, make-up-y, trendy girl...

In fact... {sidebar} that being said, in many ways, my sister in love reminds me exactly of myself - I'm convinced that we literally played the exact same roles in high school. (Except I ditched bball in junior high and fell deeper in love with the best sport in the world... volleyball.... AND I'm not a dumbblonde... buaha, jk Sarah.) Literally, the similarities are scary: class clown, jock, popular, close group of 5 or 6 SISTERfriends, out-going. Well, hello that was me.

Now, I'm not sure why I went on this tangent, perhaps because I love Sarah Faye and glad God chose her to be my sister in law, and wished we lived closer so we could have chickfila for breakfast, make up sexy new outfits, and spoon every day.

Photo for your visual pleasure:

(she's a cutie) :)

Anyways back to the original point. In high school, I honestly hardly ever struggled insecurities. I mean, I'm sure I had them, and I'm not sure if I was so swelled up with pride that I considered myself too good for them, but issues that girls in high school struggled with, were not the same issues that I dealt with.

Fast Forward:::: Here I am.

21 years old.

Graduated from highschool 3 years ago (that's just crazy.)

Married to the man of my dreams

Living in the city of my dreams... haha jk. :)

And with more struggles, and issues than I know how to deal with.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place - I don't know how to respond.

I'm missing so many things - desiring so many things, dreaming up so many things, afraid of so many things.

God's still working these things out in my heart - doing so every so patiently and gently mind you, but it's a work in progress and I just wanted to give a little update about it.

Not sure if you can relate.... not sure who the "you" is to be honest, haha.

But this blog is more for me than it is for "you" anyways.

The interesting thing about this blog is that a resolution seems very far away right now. Which isn't the common theme in my blogs - they always begin with a struggle and end with a sound and firm resolution.

But I can't think of one right now, especially for this specific issue.

So... I'm just going to run on a tangent a little bit and declare truths that I know to be sure in my life. It's comforting to have solid, absolute truths in your life. They keep your mind calm and your feet from slipping. So here they are:

God loves me.

He's good.

He's true.

He gives me enough grace for each and every day.

He knows me intimately.

He fashioned me.

He's blessed me.

He's written my name on the palm of His hand.

He is merciful.

He's never, once, or ever will, let me do this life alone.

He's protected me.

He's my sustainer.

He's my provider.

He's a friend.

He's loyal.

He saved me.

In the midst of all this ugly... all these unknowns.... all this lack of resolution....

I am blessed.

And I'll rest in that, for now.

:::Belong:::

Jesus began a revolution with one word.

When He said the word, "Father," He changed everything.
And now, He's invited us into this reality... into this place of belonging, to call God our "Papa," our "Daddy," our "Abba."
: Jonathan David Helser

I don't know that there is much more to life than that.

These are truths; timeless truths that I'm still struggling to grasp and capture in the deepest parts of my heart.

I want my heart, my identity, my thoughts, my emotions to be set on and capture by this one idea.

He is my Abba.

He is my dear Father.

He broke down all barriers and gave Himself fully for me.

His love covers my sin.

His love covers the depths of my soul; the ugliest parts.

He takes my heart, every part, and holds it together.

He knows me better than anyone, and still loves me unconditionally.

{He loves me enough to win me back to Himself, even when I feel so so far away.}

Even when I've let my flesh and sin take over my actions, He calls my name.

(Even when I turn my back on Him and follow legalism, He reaches for my hand.)

Even when I sing songs but am so far from being in truth, His Spirit dances over me.

(Even when I am swallowed in pride, He calls me by name.)

Even when I feel alone, He cradles me in His arms.

(Even when I hate myself, every part, He speaks to my heart, "I chose you. You're mine.")

That's overwhelming, when you let the truth of it sink into your heart.

"For I am sure, that neither death nor life, nor angels no demons,

nor things present nor things to come, no powers, nor height nor depth,

nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God in Chris Jesus our Lord."

- Romans 8:38-39

It's incredible to think that even when you hate yourself, God calls you His.

He sees you. He sees your heart, your thoughts, your mind. And through all that muck, in all those deep, dark, secret corners, He breathes His love. He pours His grace. He shines His light and calls you "Beloved."

Ahh I'm so overwhelmed by this idea.

Especially in this particular phase of my life.

He is my ABBA!

I am called His daughter!!

I belong!

I am Free!

I have breath in my lungs and truth in my mind and a song in my heart and a purpose over my life - and the King of Kings knows my name!

I don't need to search for a reason to live; I have found my reason and know that it's hidden in Him - I'm alive in Him!!

"Open up the heavens, pour down Your Spirit on me!

Oh Jesus, wherever You need, I'll sing harmony!"

- "Let Your Light Shine" by Bethany Dillon

:::New Favorite:::

"Give me something fun to do, like a life of loving you...

Kiss me quick, oh baby, I'm still crazy over you."

:::Life:::

I'm currently sitting in my bed... my husband left for work over an hour and a half ago and it's been just me since. So, I figured, let's write something :)

There are many words that can accurately describe how I've felt over the past week or so.

It hasn't been the most THRILLING, adventurous time of my life by any means... I mean, there aren't too many thrilling moments when you throw a tiny town, one vehicle, and absolutely zero money in the mix. (Oh newlyweds *smile*) Those items can limit any sense of adventure you might have.

This is in no way a blog to complain about my life.... I've married the most amazing man who literally continues to amaze me in the way that he loves me, I'm truly a very blessed woman.

No, this blog is to celebrate. Celebrate the fact that in the midst of my seemingly simple life.... in the midst of my change of beautiful Colorado Scenery and in the midst of this new distance between me, my family and best friends in the world.... in the midst of all that change.... He stays the same.

That's hope that you can count on... regardless of location or circumstance. Regardless of change.

Change requires adjustment.... and it's not always the easiest thing in life to deal with. There's a quote that I love about change:

If you don't like something; change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

Yes, change the way you think about it. It's attitude. It's perspective. It's learning that your way... may NOT actually be the best way. It's realizing that you don't need constant fireworks and busyness in order to be happy and feel successful.

In the midst of all this change... in the midst of moving my life to this teenytiny town in Texas... God is showing me and teaching me many things.

First, is that the blessing of marriage is more than just romance and amazing sex. (Though both those things are wonderful and necessary... making a simple town less boring:) I'm learning that marriage was one of God's best ideas; a mirror of His initial idea of oneness and unity. It's really beautiful. I'll expand on that idea in a different post because I truly believe in it and see the necessity of it... but in all seriousness, marriage is such a blessing!!

I'm quickly learning though that our selfish nature is dumb. And SO alive and active inside your heart unless you make a conscious, daily effort every day to die to yourself and allow the Spirit of God to live in you and through you.

How creepy does that sound, huh? The "Spirit of God." I sometimes would LOVE to get inside the head of a non-Christian, or even a baby Christian who hasn't grown up with all the terms, like "The blood of the Lamb" or "Holy Spirit" or "Jesus is the son of God" or "Eat His flesh and drink His blood, in remembrance of Him..." ahh that stuff sounds crazy!!

Haha poor people that get unknowingly thrown into the mix of it all... I can't imagine how scary everything that I believe in sounds to people!

I believe every word of it though, and living in this more challenging phase of my life has tested those beliefs through and through.

- Do I really believe God is who He said He is?

- Do I really believe in the Holy Spirit?

- Do I really believe in dying to myself and living for Him?

- Do I really believe He never leaves me or forsakes me?

- Do I really believe we don't wrestle against flesh and blood?

All these ideas have continued to be refined in me over time and it's been a ride. It's amazing what God will do with your heart when you step out of your comfort Zone for a minute or two.... or in my case, for the rest of your life.

I'm thankful for this time, though occasionally seemingly difficult, because I've learned more about myself and had to "grow up" more in the past few months than I have in a loooooooong time of living in beautiful Suburbia Colorado Springs :)

I'm learning that I need Him so badly - more now than ever before. He is my life, He is my living water, my sustainer, my healer, my redeemer, my best friend. The most loyal, loving, patient, kind, honest, perfect person I will ever know in my life. I've tried functioning without Him - and all I am without Him is ugly, impatient, mean, unloving, selfish, and sad.

I know this sounds so "cliche" but... Jesus is life.

He really is. And I want everything that He is...

:::Faithful:::

There's distance in the air, and I cannot make it leave.

I wave my arms round' about me and blow with all my might.

I cannot sense You close, though I know You're always here,

but the comfort of You near is what I long for...

When I can't feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same.

When I can't hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray.

And I want You more than I wanna live another day...

And as I wait for You, maybe I'm made more faithful.

The folly of the past, though I know it is undone,

I still feel the guilty one, still try to make it right.

So I whisper soft Your name, let it roll around my tongue.

Knowing You're only one who knows me,

You know me.

When I can't feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same.

When I can't hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray.

And I want You more than I wanna live another day...

And as I wait for You, maybe I'm made more faithful.

Show me how I should live this.

Show me where I should go.

I count this world as lost to me...

You are all I want, You are all I want....

"Faithful" by Brooke Fraser

"My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the LORD;

my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God."

~ Psalms 84:2

:::She's Back!!:::

Oh my gosh.

She's back.

Brooke Fraser is back. New Album coming out October 12th.

She's going on tour too... and word on the street says I might be near the south sometime in November... YES.

Here's her new single on the right...... "Something in the Water."

And honestly, I can't stop listening to it.
CAN'T WAIT FOR THE ALBUM!!