:::Living Proof:::

You know those times in life where you hear something old... in a new way... like it was the first time again and you wanted to just crawl into a secluded corner and ponder the old:new thing in your heart for hours? And hours? And... hours?

Yes? No? Tracking where I'm going? 

If you don't, maybe the name "Beth Moore" will help shed a little light on what I'm trying to explain. This post isn't going to be about Beth because first of all I'm sure she wouldn't care for it, which is another reason why she is so loved... humility is not something that escapes this wise woman with a mighty platform. 

However, the way the Lord used her to communicate to my heart in a new, fresh way was remarkable today. 

So, scenario. I found out late last night, Friday afternoon that Beth Moore was actually going to BE at the conference that I had previously heard about in Reading, PA.... before, I thought it was just going to be a simulcast of her preaching from another location... but NOPE - Beth was going to actually be IN PA... and Lord knows with us FINALLY living close to a place where amazing events like this come to (ie, a place that ISN'T Del Rio, Texas) I didn't want to miss it! 

So I rallied a couple girlfriends late last night - so random, so spontaneous, so fun - and convinced them to leave at 5:45am today to make the 2hr road trip to make it to the will-call office at the time it opened to hopefully snatch up some of the last few tickets! Yep... we were on a 2 hour road trip at 6am with only our teeny weeny HOPES of having tickets there waiting for us when we arrived... nutso. 

But it was fun. As you can see... :) My beautiful friends.

AND God knew what He was doing as He conveniently positioned us at the front of the line just in time to get tickets and front row seats!! 

YES! *Little victories... big grace!*

Again, this isn't about Beth because it never SHOULD be about Beth but it is COMPLETELY about what the Lord spoke to me today THROUGH Beth due to her obedience and willingness to reflect and direct ALL the glory back to Him... wow. 

She's a fast-talker with animated language and before I knew it I found myself taking notes like a mad-woman... here are some random thoughts that tugged on my heart I'm recollecting as I look over the chicken-scratch notes I took today:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"God didn't call us to 'fine' - He called us to 'faith.'"

"Do you want to live a miraculous life based on the supernatural provision of God, or do you want to live a humanly explainable life?" 

"Don't waste the harvest of failure... you will rarely have a better teacher than failure." 

"Faith faces the fact that there is no 'formula...'"

"If you got everything you need, you need a bigger life!" 

"Have you had your faith attacked? Attack back with your faith!!!"

"The Lord speaks; many, many women spread the good news." - Psalms 68:11 NET

"NEED is our invitation to the supernatural!" 

"You don't have everything you need until you are ABOUNDING in good works!!" 

"You may not be called to teach... but you ARE called to tell!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a few nuggets of truth from the weekend... these small snapshots of ideas don't do justice to the whole message but there is one in particular that I'm going to elaborate on:

"Faith trusts that every call to FORSAKE is a call to also TAKE!" 

Ah! Do you get that? 

Every time the Lord calls us to forsake something... whether it is jealousy, bitterness, unforgiveness, hate... He doesn't just call us to forsake it and leave us with a huge empty void! 

Everything the Lord calls us to forsake, He also calls us to TAKE!

What do we take to fill the void of the stuff He calls us to forsake? 

We TAKE joy, forgiveness, compassion... we TAKE UP His likeness to become more LIKE HIM! 

This brings such peace to my heart. This makes so much sense in my head.

I know this is somewhat random and I can't really put to words exactly what is stirring in my heart in head right now only that it's different. It's an old thing in a new way and I'm determined to F O R E V E R lean into it and pursue it. By "it" of course I mean HIM - His Spirit, fully alive in me, fully immersed in His word. 

I can't really go too much into it, but there has been a few things in my life that I came face to face with today as Beth was praying over me that sickened my stomach - eventually you have to come to a place where you look the enemy of your soul straight in the eye and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! 

That's where I am at today. 

Swimming, hardly keeping my head above water. 

Tired of fear that rules certain areas of my life. 

Tired of old habits that reinforce insecurity, shame and pain. 

Tired of living a life, supposedly called to freedom, while in chains that my Father holds the keys to! 

HE IS GOOD!

REGARDLESS OF CIRCUMSTANCE!

REGARDLESS OF HOW BAD WE ARE! 

HE IS GOOD AND HE GIVES HIS CHILDREN GOOD GIFTS! 

Ah. My heart is about to burst. Thank You Lord.

Anyways - I'm starting today and planning this road out with Him as my center. 

I've had quite enough of the shackles I've chosen to carry and am ready to release them. 

And I'm going to do it with a little help from sweet Beth herself... who made this incredible tool for us "shackled" to use to FIGHT with faith! It's right here -- I HIGHLY recommend you check it out! 

She calls it "The Great Forsake and Take" Book... it's a collection of compiled scriptures that deal directly with fear and help saturate your mind with truth over lies.

It is my guidebook for the next few months to combat these certain strongholds and I've never felt more capable or expectant of Him in this season. 

It's new... I love new... if you've ever read my blog before you KNOW how much I love NEW and once again, today is a new NEW for me. 

(Pathetic with the repetition? Perhaps. 

But I choose to take up a NEW self in Him instead of wallowing in my pathetic self. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.)

Alive - fully - living for His glory in His calling. 

With a renewed FAITH in the Son who is SO, so, so so so so so (times infinity) worthy. 

Trust in Him at all times, O people; 

pour out your heart before Him.

God is a refuge for us. 

Selah.

~ Psalms 62:8 ~

*Psst... if that link for "The Great Forsake and Take" book doesn't work, just go to blog.lproof.org and search for the post from September 15th, 2012. She has the book there for you :)

:::Word of the Year:::

Ahhhhh, Passion.

The past few days I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs (in my heart, of course.) “I WANNA BE AT PASSION!”

At the same volume and decibel level, I’ve paralleled those silent screams with, “THANK YOU JESUS FOR TECHNOLOGY!”

Seriously? What an awesome time in history to live in.

I can watch Louie Giglio preach a sermon to 44,000 people and join in worship with Chris Tomlin & Hillsong United even though I’m thousands of miles away, in a tiny town on the border.

I’ve battled emotions in my heart of longing to be there and experience it all first hand, and reminding myself that Jesus isn’t exclusive only to people at Passion – I can cultivate His presence & worship Him RIGHT NOW, in my real day to day life here in Texas. I’m ok with that. And the times when I didn’t feel ok with that, that just revealed to me more of my heart. The ugly side, of course.

It blows my mind how in need I am of God’s grace.

I have access to Him every moment of every day – I have and HAVE HAD an open invitation to a relationship of the purest, most unconditional love, and sometimes I forget. Or ignore. Or pretend that I don’t need it. How foolish.

I’ve recently caught on to the trend that people are labeling certain years with WORDS: my sweet friend Jessica, for example, had “hope” as her “word theme” for 2010. This year, her “word of the year” is Joy.

A wonderful woman who’s blog I recently discovered – Ann Voskamp – ALSO labels each year with a word. Bunny Trail: This woman writes in the most beautiful way I’ve seen in a long time. Her style of writing paints a picture and I can feel the heartbeat behind each word, I NEVER read her blog and click on the small upper-right cornered “X” feeling like I wanna stay the same, where I am. It is so inspiring.

That being said, the other day I read her blog for the new year. Of course, it was beautiful. I was moved; left me wanting more, wanting deeper, wanting change, wanting NEW.

Here's an excerpt from it...

"Contentment isnt a state of organization, a weight on the scale, a state of better: better kids, better marriage, better health, better house.

Contentment is never a matter of circumstances; contentment is always a state of communion - a daily embracing of God - and moment and life just as He gives it.

Trying harder may only bring harder trials, and contentment won't be found in the resolutions, but in the revolutions: in the turning round to God."

Say hello to my new “word of the year” – CONTENTMENT.

Which we now see has more action in it besides trying to convince myself of clutching to a particular state of mind...

This tiny excerpt from a profound blog mixed with occasional livestream glimpses of what God is doing on downtown Atlanta has left me starving for something else.

Life is too short to live in a state of rebellion against a God who literally IS LOVE – He is the source of it, the root of it. You can’t have LOVE apart from God because it doesn’t exist.

That being said, I don’t want to rebel against Love, I want to be drowned in it. And brought back to life in it. I want all that Love has for me & I want my heart to be solely and wholly attached to it.

“Contentment is always a state of communion…” – the hands of contentment fit perfectly in the hands of love. Both hands probably have a tattoo of “thankfulness” written on their palms, and gripped tightly all the same.

That being said, my “new years resolution” if you will – more like my constant LIFE resolution that I’m just piggy-backing onto a list of to-do’s for the first week of January – is to live in COMMUNION with this wholly OTHER and wholly HOLY King of Kings.

Communion with Jesus really can only produce GOOD GOOD THINGS:

Communion with Him makes you see how small you are… squash pride welcome humility.

Communion with Him makes you see who YOU are… squash fear welcome identity.

Communion with Him makes you see the big picture… squash selfishness welcome worship.

Communion with Him makes you want Him more… squash apathy welcome obsession.

Communion with Him makes you capable of doing anything… squash insecurity welcome PASSION.

On the second to last day of 2011, I was driving in my handsome brother’s car and as I started the car, a song was playing on his ipod that I hadn’t heard in F O R E V E R.

The song was called Magnificent Obsession by Steven Curtis Chapman – an oldie but a gooooooodie.

As the song began, a song that like said I hadn’t heard in FOREVER mind you, the lyrics started coming back to memory:

“Lord you how much, I wanna know so much, in the way of answers and expectations…

I have tried and prayed, and still I seem to stay, in the middle of life’s complications.

All this pursuing leaves me feelings like I’m chasing down the wind..

But now it’s brought me back to you, and I can see again…

This is everything I want, this is everything I need.

I want You to be my one CONSUMING PASSION.

Everything my heart desires, Lord I want it all to be for YOU Jesus,

be my Magnificent Obsession!

Return me to the cross, let me be completely lost

In the wonder of your grace & your mercy

Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things...

Let all my dreams fall to the ground until this ONE remains…”

- YEP. Tears. Perhaps, a product of birth control and a self-promise to let my heart feel deep deep emotions – of friends or stories or situations or the like.

These tears to me at that moment represented a mourning of the life I’ve let myself live and the hope of the upcoming new year and new-NESS.

But what was really making me cry were the lyrics of that last line... "let all my dreams fall to the ground until this ONE remains..." WHAT? All my DREAMS? Is that really want I want, to only let ONE of my many big dreams remain & sacrifice the rest?

I got to thinking about it, between wiping my wet eyes, and decided that my answer would be YES LORD.

If I’m going to pray a prayer regarding dreams, as I welcome this new year, I’m going to pray that ALL MY OTHER DREAMS WOULD FALL TO THE GROUND UNTIL JUST ONE DREAM REMAINS – the dream of Jesus becoming my magnificent Obsession.

I have a feeling that this prayer is both stupid and scary but it’s not.

I have a feeling that that’s what I want in the deepest deeps of my heart even though sometimes in the shallowed shallows of my mind I can’t grip it.

I have a feeling that this is what I need to literally survive – and this magnificent obsession will bring my word of the year to LIFE – TO MY LIFE.

How to get there?

“Embrace every scar as surgery — to make me more like His Son.

Embrace every pain as a peeling away of something - to make me know it in new ways, that He is enough.

Embrace every moment as a miracle - that it might never have been. That makes me to walk to all is grace." - Ann Voskamp

Hello. Funny how much Perspective Change = beginning of contentment.

The perspective change in regards to pain/fear/doubt/insecurity can change your whole outlook on your life… and words like HOPE, JOY, AND CONTENTMENT can just AWAKEN to you and become something more than a pretty word that you can hang up on your wall.

Of course, I write to process. So these ideas I am screaming to myself in the mirror right now more than just sharing. At times I feel far from letting these words become untangible descriptions of my day instead of pretty words that I decorate my home with – but I’m going there, moving forward in that direction with a willing heart, which I guess is the first step anyways.

I want to be content with ALL things. It’s a NEW YEAR – a new beginning and a fresh start means grace and a fresh start means no shame and all surpassing peace if you know that your future is held tightly by someone who DIED for you.

Rest in it. Be content with it.

He really is a good, good Savior.

:::The New Normal:::

What if talking about Jesus to every person you met became the "new normal."

What if.

I was driving back from Atlanta last night and had 3 hours in the car to think about this concept. I pulled over to get something to eat real quick and as I heard a young guy's voice come over the speaker, welcoming me to the fast food restaurant and asking me what I'd like to order, I felt a nudge in my Spirit say "Ask him if he knows Jesus."

My initial response, of course, was "HEYALLLL NO." hahaha.

Then I immediately came up with a list of excuses for God to let him know that my bringing up this topic, was probably not one of His best ideas.

"Well God, I dunno if you knew this but this guy is most likely at the first window, just waiting to take my money to pay for food. God I'm NEVER at that window for too long and I don't want to hold up traffic behind me just because I wanna bring up a convo about Jesus... that's rude to hold up traffic, God."

"What if he's crazy? It's late at night in the middle of a podunk town in Alabama, what if he gets mad, pulls out a gun and shoots me?"

"What if he's already a Christian? Then he'll think I'm just a Bible-thumping, "super good" Christian who's super legalistic and trying to make myself look good."

"What if his mom cheated on his dad... with a PASTOR? Then I'm most likely bringing up a very sensitive subject God, I don't want to ruin his night."

"What if he used to be a Christian, then got hurt by somebody in the church? Again... sensitive subject, God..."

My list was very long. And I could tell God wasn't impressed with my excuses, because the Holy Spirit kept nudging my heart... and ended up backing the traffic line up so bad that I literally ended up sitting at the first "money window" - a window that usually takes 2 seconds to go through - for about 5 - 7 minutes. Jesus is funny.

Looking back on the situation, I can't help but KNOW deep down in my heart that the only thing truly stopping me from sharing my faith, asking him a simple question, bringing up JESUS, was FEAR.

Fear of rejection, fear of humiliation, fear of being hated, fear of man.

I had a very similar Spirit nudge back in 2008, right before I left for YWAM, that I failed miserably. A very clear, distinct, "ask him if he knows Me" command that I ignored, again, for fear.

Satan LOVES fear. Fear keeps us trapped. Fear keeps us from dreaming. Fear keeps us frozen, unable to move or react. Fear keeps us.

How silly is that? God says that perfect love casts out all fear.... and God loves us with a PERFECT love, so why do we, as God's children, beloved, set aside, called by name, choose to take up residence in our little homes of fear?

What if the "new normal" consisted of God's people, throwing aside our fears, believing with our WHOLE HEARTS that God is who He said He is, and bringing up Jesus in our conversations like He's the most important thing in the world to us... and to everyone else?

You, I, have one life to live. I have ONE SHOT at this life and then I spend eternity with God. I want my heart to be so fully free. I don't want to live this life in chains.

I don't want my heart to be so ruled by fear, that when God tells me to bring up Jesus to a man at a drive-thru window that I KNOW I will probably NEVER see again in my life, I come up with a million excuses.

I was at David Platt's church last week and he said something that really RADICALLY (pun intended) changed my heart and mindset.

He said that perhaps we've heard the phrase "Always preach the gospel; if necessary use words."

After he said that phrase I was all nodding in agreement, like "yeah that's right! SO true!"

As I was nodding vigorously, he said "Well you guys, I'll be honest, as nice as that sounds, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

You can imagine my reaction..... I was kinda like you are, now........ WHAAAT?

He explained how Jesus, in the Bible, says PREACH the good news. He doesn't say "smile" the good news. He doesn't say "hug" the good news. He says PREACH. Meaning, SPEAK. Meaning, USE WORDS.

Yes, your actions must line up with your words, David Platt did encourage that highly, but so many times Christians (and I included in that) hide behind this pretty little phase, allowing that to be our excuse from brining up Jesus in a conversation.

I was pretty changed to be honest. David Platt has that radical affect on people, I suppose.

It caused me to evaluate my life in a way I hadn't in a long time.

My thought process is, "Well I'll just be really nice, not cuss, listen to Christian music, and if the OTHER person asks me about God, then I'll bring out all the Bible knowledge I know!!"

God did not give us a spirit of timidity. And that's what I am living in every time I use that excuse, timidity. Fear.

YES it does say "Let your light so shine before men...." and I LOVE that... but Jesus was the light of the world, and He didn't just come to this earth to be a nice person - to love on people, laugh, hug, smile, encourage.

No - Jesus was radical. He SPOKE. He used the power of His words - and it was His WORDS that changed the course of history forever. It was His WORDS that casted demons out of people. It was His WORDS (and, in some cases, touch) that healed the lame and the blind. It was His WORDS that caused Lazarus to rise from the dead.

This needs to be the new normal. It's not getting easier to be a Christian. And I feel that even in my personal walk with Christ - it's never been harder for me to pursue Christ and love Him with my whole heart. The spiritual climate is changing, I suppose. But in the midst of that, in the midst of our darkness, we have to let our light shine brighter than ever!

Lisa Bevere, a Christian Author and Speaker from my church in Colorado Springs, wrote a tweet once that I LOVED and essentially sums up this blog.

"The Fear-of-the-Lord swallows up the fear of man!

Allow the opinion of God to trump the opinions of people!"

(via @LisaBevere on 08 Aug 2010)

I LOVE THAT!! So powerful, so true. I need the Opinion of God to trump the opinion of people. I need to live my life in this "new normal." It's time for His bride to acknowledge Him fully!!!

"For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God that brings Salvation to everyone who believes!" ~ Romans 1:16

:::Conclusive:::

When it comes to the condition of my heart, these past few months have been somewhat of a struggle for me. I'm just going to jump right into it, if you don't mind.

In high school I was the popular, athletic, out-going, Jesus loving class clown (literally, my voted title two years in a row). I had tons of friends and loved being around people. I was far from being the prissy, pretty, cheerleader-y, make-up-y, trendy girl...

In fact... {sidebar} that being said, in many ways, my sister in love reminds me exactly of myself - I'm convinced that we literally played the exact same roles in high school. (Except I ditched bball in junior high and fell deeper in love with the best sport in the world... volleyball.... AND I'm not a dumbblonde... buaha, jk Sarah.) Literally, the similarities are scary: class clown, jock, popular, close group of 5 or 6 SISTERfriends, out-going. Well, hello that was me.

Now, I'm not sure why I went on this tangent, perhaps because I love Sarah Faye and glad God chose her to be my sister in law, and wished we lived closer so we could have chickfila for breakfast, make up sexy new outfits, and spoon every day.

Photo for your visual pleasure:

(she's a cutie) :)

Anyways back to the original point. In high school, I honestly hardly ever struggled insecurities. I mean, I'm sure I had them, and I'm not sure if I was so swelled up with pride that I considered myself too good for them, but issues that girls in high school struggled with, were not the same issues that I dealt with.

Fast Forward:::: Here I am.

21 years old.

Graduated from highschool 3 years ago (that's just crazy.)

Married to the man of my dreams

Living in the city of my dreams... haha jk. :)

And with more struggles, and issues than I know how to deal with.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place - I don't know how to respond.

I'm missing so many things - desiring so many things, dreaming up so many things, afraid of so many things.

God's still working these things out in my heart - doing so every so patiently and gently mind you, but it's a work in progress and I just wanted to give a little update about it.

Not sure if you can relate.... not sure who the "you" is to be honest, haha.

But this blog is more for me than it is for "you" anyways.

The interesting thing about this blog is that a resolution seems very far away right now. Which isn't the common theme in my blogs - they always begin with a struggle and end with a sound and firm resolution.

But I can't think of one right now, especially for this specific issue.

So... I'm just going to run on a tangent a little bit and declare truths that I know to be sure in my life. It's comforting to have solid, absolute truths in your life. They keep your mind calm and your feet from slipping. So here they are:

God loves me.

He's good.

He's true.

He gives me enough grace for each and every day.

He knows me intimately.

He fashioned me.

He's blessed me.

He's written my name on the palm of His hand.

He is merciful.

He's never, once, or ever will, let me do this life alone.

He's protected me.

He's my sustainer.

He's my provider.

He's a friend.

He's loyal.

He saved me.

In the midst of all this ugly... all these unknowns.... all this lack of resolution....

I am blessed.

And I'll rest in that, for now.