::: Random Adoring Husband Post:::

I've realized in recent days that regardless of my schedule, writing needs to be a priority in my life.

I love writing.

It makes me process things in a healthier way.

It makes me take the focus off myself and put it on things that matter.

It makes me happy.

So whether it's something I journal, or something I type out (which personally is MY preference... I can think through things faster since I type ten million times faster than I write)... I WILL be writing more. Who knows if you care but I care so there it is :)

Things that made me smile today:

- My husband coming home.

Ok seriously. I'm not even going to lie to you and pretend like we have the most perfect marriage and that our love story is a better fairy tale than Fern Gully... not even close. Sometimes I can't stand my husband. Sad, but that's the honest, raw, truth. And I'm sure he feels the same way about me. (Thank the LORD he hates writing or else you'd have a TON more to read about me on HIS blog...) No but seriously. Tons more. But regardless... sometimes he can be so annoying and so picky that you just wanna pull your hair out.

BUT.

(and that's a big butt.)

As annoying and picky and critical and weird as he can be... I really can't explain it... I'm CRAZY about him. I love him to death. He loves me so perfectly the way I need to be loved. Obviously not perfectly like on the GOD level... but perfectly in that, sometimes I'm SO reminded how much God loves me IN THE WAY THAT Billy loves me.

His amazing qualities FAR outweigh his "UGH" qualities and for that I'm so so so grateful and THAT is what I'll focus on when the going gets tough. (And believe me, it FREAKING HAS.)

But that's ok. Not that the current statistics can prove anything... *cough yes they can cough*... but marriage obviously isn't just love and flowers and amazing sex and lingerie and rainbows and chocolate and holding hands and poems and looking perfect all the time every second of every day. If you believe that, you're unbelievably in for a let-down.

Anyways... the amazing qualities that I adore about him are the reason why him coming home to me after a long day of work is one of the best parts of my day. Every time. It's been a year and a half and I'm not just saying this... I love, admire, and respect my husband more than I did when I met him 946 days ago. (Hahaha, I'm just kidding, I'm not keeping count of the days... promise.) ;)

He loves me well.

He tells me when I'm doing something that bothers him.

He's SO quick to forgive and forget and not bring it up in a future disagreement.

He's SO careful with his words when he gets upset... and never says anything he'll regret.

He's so affectionate and sweet. Though he lacks in the flowers department, he makes up for it TEN FOLD in the way he holds me and hugs me and loves me. Ugh he's the best.

I don't know why I ended up posting about this. This wasn't my intention at all. And maybe you think I'm bragging but I'll end with this:

My husband has taught me some of life's most VALUABLE lessons that I never would've learned if I were living this life flying solo.

Not to speak negatively about the single life - oh my LANTA if y'all single people knew the joy of the freedoms that come with being single, you'd jump up and down 100 times for joy.

Seriously, relish where you are.

Marriage is so beautiful, but I can honestly say that it's more CHALLENGING than anything and it STRETCHES you more than anything and it makes you see your UGLINESS more than anything and that's ok.

There are pros and cons to each phase.

But where you are, be there and choose joy and don't wish your life away dreaming dreams that you think are bigger than your today's. You might not get to tomorrow, so why on earth spend your last day wishing for a better tomorrow that might not ever come?

Blah this is so random. But it's good. I feel my fingers warming up again to the inspiration flowing in me. I spoke in my previous blog about some things God had been doing in my life over these last few months and I'm excited to expand more on those things. They're HUGE and SO RELEVANT to my life today that sometimes I want to shout it from the rooftops.

At the same time, however, God is showing me different things in different places of my life. First and foremost my faith, as I shared earlier. Then in my marriage, which I'll probably share with you later. I'm going to share stuff that we did terribly wrong and uncharacteristically right in some cases. All gold, believe me. Also - I wanna touch a little bit on this nagging bit called insecurity and share some of the dreams God's given me. Along with sharing life as a UPT wife... how Pilot Training and living on the border has affected me positively and negatively.

Well WOW. So much to share. Who knows if I get to it all. But like I said... it's so freaking good to be back.

Currently Reading: So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore - ooooo wow.

Currently Loving: Pinterest. And "Never Once" by Matt Redman. It's right down here... do yourself a favor and listen to it because it will give your heart hope.

:::A Whole New NEW:::

It's been a little while, blog world. I hate when I take absences that are this long, and even though I probably shouldn't be doing this now... with the sleep/homework/chores I have hanging over my head... I'm feeling inspired and inspiration is a treasure to me, so here goes nothing.
Tonight was the second week of a new Bible Study I've started going to. It's a Beth Moore study (love those) called "Believing God" and it's really stirred my heart, even though I've only been going to it for a couple nights.



Anyone who has done a Beth Moore study knows that she is STRICT and gives out homework for every day of the week and dives DEEP into scripture, regarding translations from the Greek & Hebrew, etc. All very, very good stuff. And deep - very deep.

Anyways, this week's homework had to do with faith - and tonight's video sermon from her also had to do with faith, and I must say it's really spoken to my heart.

Confession Time: these past few months have been SO challenging for me. God has had different people speak into my life that has really literally DRAMATICALLY CHANGED the way I feel and view things regarding Jesus and how the truth about Him intersects with my reality. Like, in huge, huge ways.

God has revealed to me SO MUCH the pride, selfishness, and Pharisee-like ways in my heart. I'm sure I've blogged about this before, but bear with me because honestly, whatever I've talked about before has been NOTHING like the experiences and revelations I've had in the past few months.

I was blessed to have a dear friend from WAAAAAY back in my junior high days, named Danny, speak into my life. Danny served as the interim youth pastor for my church youth group and though we met only a few times, my older sister and I immediately noticed & admired his wisdom, love for God, and recognized the anointing from God on His life.

My advice: when you find a person like that in your life that can give offer you a friendship showered with wisdom, I suggest you grab on tight.

That's what I did with Danny - and even though I met him in the Spring of my 8th grade year, we've kept in touch and I can honestly say that knowing that he will be there for me whenever I have a God/Jesus/Theological/Opinionated question makes my heart breathe a little sigh of relief.



Anyways - so a few months ago I had a semi-meltdown.

After pondering several events in my personal life/relationships/beliefs/society that had happened over the past few years - I came to a huge realization that SOMETHING WAS SO WRONG.

I tweeted (yes, tweeted. I love twitter. Haters hate.) to my friend Danny in desperation one night & asked if I could email him about some questions I had. He responded promptly & I immediately proceeded to email him a R I D I C U L O U S L Y long email that hardly flowed well and probably didn't really make sense. That's ok though; Danny wrote me an equally long message in return and so began the apparent, tangible change in my thinking & in my life.

Ok. So what was this meltdown about? In a (HUGE/not too too personal) nutshell... I had finally come to the realization that a few things in my life; a few thought patterns, convictions, worldviews, etc - were just NOT working. Not working in regards to the ultimate goal of my faith, and not working in some personal day to day societal relationships.


I was realizing that THINGS ARE NOT BLACK & WHITE! I had realized that God's grace, TO THIS DAY, after EVERYTHING I've learned & done & been through with Him... His GRACE meant literally NOTHING to me in my life. Seriously? At age 22? After committing my heart to the Lord and trying to live for Him everyday... and I'm JUST NOW learning about this grace thing?? Ahh, SO frustrating people!! And I had never before let it hit me like it did as I read that email.

I'm not going to keep going on forever, but I just want to quote you some of Danny's Responses that shed light on SO many questions and maybe you can guess what questions I was struggling with:

- "If you simply take a step back it is not hard to detect even just by simply surveying the different kinds of churches there are in America. Who is right? Or maybe a better question is "who is MORE right?" The Baptists do mission well, the Presbyterians do theology well, the Charismatics do prayer/praise well, the Anglicans do liturgical corporate worship well, the liberal mainline churches do social justice well....who is right? Which tradition pleases God most? Tough questions."

- "Those who know church history know that every time the church has been in power it has been disastrous. But every time the church has been on the fringe/margins, with no political power, no rights, and ostracized and persecuted is when the Church has absolutely flourished. I for one think that our bull's-eye should not be acquiring political power, but being a faithful expression of the kingdom of God across the country. Martin Luther King Jr. famously said that the Church is neither the servant nor the master of the State, but rather ought to be it's moral conscience."

- "The conservative American church has climbed into bed with conservative politics and ruined both I'm afraid. There is NOTHING in the new testament that instructs us to do what the conservative right has been promoting for the last 40 years. I think that the idea of trying to "take America back for God," even though it is a very popular and noble-sounding idea, is actually rather naïve. The national interests of America are often contrary to the interests of God's kingdom. We are never instructed to fight for our "rights" or strive to acquire political power...quite the opposite actually. America by no means has exclusive claims on God or Jesus or the Church."

- "In C.S. Lewis' book Mere Christianity he has a chapter on Pride. In that chapter he describes pride as the chief sin-it is the complete and most anti-God of all sins. Pride is what got Satan kicked out of heaven. Pride is the most serious, heinous, and wicked of all sins, and yet it also happens to be the most subtle and pervasive sin. Lewis said that things like adultery and murder are mere flee-bites in comparison the sin of pride."

- " Jesus never instructed anybody to clean up there act first, AND THEN he will accept them and listen to them and love them. No, what we see in the gospels is Jesus loving and accepting the worst of sinners because the Father loved them in spite of their sin and unworthiness, and because they are still bearers of the image of God. " (My pastor, Andy Stanley, talked about this EXACT issue in the midst of danny & I emailing back & forth, he said that "The only people worried about 'guilt by association' in the Bible were the Pharisees - Jesus was NEVER concerned with 'guilt by association.' - WOW!!)

- "The Pharisee is more concerned about pointing out what is wrong, the Christ-follower is more concerned about loving his neighbor. "If I don't have love I'm just a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal." Billy Graham once said "It is God's job to judge, the Spirit's job to convict, and my job to love." Jesus acquired the nickname "friend of sinners" because he was always going out of his way to hang out with the worst of the worst people in society. In almost every scene in the gospels, we see the tax collectors and prostitutes (or in our day in age it would be the druggies, alcoholics and gays) were always magnetically drawn to Jesus and followed him everywhere...and simultaneously we always see the conservative religious leaders of his day right there judging/criticizing him for hanging around such terrible people. If I were to insert myself as one of the characters in those stories, I hope that I would be more like Jesus and not like the Pharisees."

- I know this is mega wordy... and I've probably lost you by this point, but if your still with me I'd just like to say that I wish I could go on and on and ON because this has RADICALLY changed the way I view relationships, politics, political issues, Christianity, and especially my JESUS!!


It's NOT BLACK & WHITE!!
It's NOT JESUS VS. GAY PEOPLE/NON-CHRISTIANS!!
It's NOT CHRISTIANITY VS. DEMOCRATS!!

It's NOT WE'RE RIGHT & THEY'RE WRONG!!



Like... WOW. I don't know if this speaks to you at all - but I MUST say that this absolutely DEMOLISHED me in so, many ways.

At first, I went through my guilt/self-hatred phase. As I mentioned earlier, HOW have I gone THIS LONG w/this skewed, prideful, pharisee way of thinking?


Then, I went through INTENTIONAL trying to change my mindset in different situations.


Eg: I used to get SO FIRED UP about different news stories sharing how they were taking prayer/God/Christianity out of schools, etc. You know all those stories. :) I used to get SO freakishly upset about it, I took on the THEM VS. US ("us" being "the Christians") attitude - so now, when I heard those stories I tried to take a step back and actually REALLY think, what would Jesus do here? How would He react? Danny responded to this question with a response that I absolutely LOVED:

- "God doesn't NEED someone to stand up and defend him...the day will come when EVERY knee will bow and EVERY tongue confess that he is Lord.

The fact that this is such BABY CHRISTIAN stuff still floors me but I must say I'm beyond grateful for reverting back to these essential roots.



My job is not to judge - EVER.


It's not my job.

My job? To love!
How cliche, how seemingly simple yeah?? ahh SO far from it.


I'm amazed at this. This is where I'm at... this is where I've been. Trying to hard to not care about results but rather focus on being faithful to God's commands. He is GOOD. He is LOVE. Just what this world needs. BE THAT!

"Be different. Become the friend of sinners and enemy of the hyper-religious. It got Jesus murdered, but Jesus said "blessed are you when they revile you, persecute you and say all kinds of evil against you falsely ON MY ACCOUNT, for great is your reward in heaven." And who was it that hated and persecuted Jesus?...it wasn't the secular pagans, it was the conservative religious leaders of his day."

Danny's Diagnosis of me:

-"I understand completely your struggle with grace. The problem with many of us who grew up in church is that we were instructed in moralism rather than the gospel. We were taught how to be good and act right so that God will love us rather than being taught to trust fully in what Jesus did on our behalf. I grew up in church; went to VBS; went to Sunday School; was active in my youth group; received my entire education from a private Christian school; went to Bible college; got my degree in pastoral ministries; worked for a church; attended seminary, but it wasn't until I heard a couple of sermons by Tim Keller that I TRULY began to understand the full scope of the gospel of grace. I believed it the whole time...I was a Christian...I understood it all in my head, but FUNCTIONALLY my heart had yet to really comprehend grace. Before I lived in such a way so as to earn God's love and favor. Now I know that God's love and favor over me were secured for me because of what Jesus did on the cross. Now there is nothing...neither height nor depth, nor angels or demons, neither the past or the present...NOTHING can separate me from the love of God that is IN Christ Jesus. I like to think of myself as a recovering Pharisee. So nowadays I feel very much like a former addict-I'm now walking in this amazing freedom no longer imprisoned to the old laws/rules...but from time to time, the memories, behaviors, and old temptations for being a Pharisee still chase after me.


- D.D.



Where I'm at. Where I'm hoping to continue growing towards. So so thankful for friends who are wiser than I am... and especially thankful for a God who, after 12 long years of being in a relationship where I've MISSED THE BOAT - after ALL this time - He gently and lovingly draws me back to truth. It makes me cry, really. I love truth. I love the truth that has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Him. His grace is overwhelming and without it, I now understand that I'm literally nothing. LITERALLY.


Thank You Jesus for doing it all. Jesus is good. If you don't know Him, you really should. He's mostlikely nothing like you would think He is - based on many churches/Christians/political agendas of today's society - NOPE.
He makes all things new. He's the God of second/third/twentieth chances. He loves extravagantly and is so slow to anger.
He loves new beginnings and even if you've had SO MANY THINGS BACKWARDS in your life after 12 LONG YEARS of Him trying to get into your heart... He persists.
He's a lover and He wants me to understand that literally, my righteousness is like FILTHY RAGS and my FAITH in Him is what is counted as righteousness. I'm so so grateful.

Ahh. I love Jesus. Finally something real to latch on to. The end.

Forgiveness:::

"It's only forgiveness that gives a future." ::: ann voskamp.


This speaks HUGE things to my heart.

Forgiveness.

These days I'm finding it hardest to forgive... myself.


For the way I've lived in the past.
For the way I've hurt people in the past.
For some of the choices I've made.


When God reveals the pride you've carried in your heart over the years, the time that usually follows after that revelation is one of self-hatred.
It doesn't have to be like that, but sometimes those are the emotions that are dealt to you and sometimes you learn to take the revelation, be sad that it was you all along, and leave it at the Cross where Jesus asked you for it anyways.


I don't know if that makes sense... but I DO know that if I want a F U T U R E - it requires forgiving myself - recognizing the ugly - resting in that humble state & turning my face to the living God and WELCOMING the full flood of grace that He wants to give me.




In short - and this really is just so short, especially for me *smile* - that's where I'm at.
Learning what it means to LOVE & allowing my heart to receive the grace that for so long I believed I didn't need.... how sad. Thank You Jesus for your love.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever."

~ Ps. 136:1

a blog for my Tita:::

So it was a day like any other day.

I was checking my facebook and I saw a status my sister had posted about finally being able to walk without crutches!

I got SO excited for her and proceeded to write on her facebook wall, "FINALLY YOU'RE NOT A GIMP! Now you have NO EXCUSE to not do the incline with me when I'm out there in September for Lauren's wedding!"

I made it to the word "excuse" before I realized something huge... and weird.

Tita's not going to be there.

When I go back to Colorado, Tita won't be there. She'll be away at college in California.

At that realization, I started to cry.

My crying turned to bawling. Like, literal, heart-wrenching sobs with tears streaming down my face.

Sitting on your bed, crying all by yourself can be weird sometimes, I'll be honest - so I was grateful when sweet husband came over to find out what in the world his emotional wife was crying about.

He actually LOVES it when I cry, he think's it's so vulnerable and he loves being able to comfort me when I'm a mess of tears. So I told him why I was crying - yes I thought it was a dumb reason - and he held me for a while until the sobs ceased.

Of course I blame the birth control, but I also can't help but blame the fact that... growing up sucks sometimes.

My baby sister is going to college.

WHAAAT?

This beautiful gal is finally going to COLLEGE???

That can't be the same baby sister who:

- at age 6 sneakily (word?) stuffed her pants with socks so that my mom's spanking wouldn't hurt... haha :)

- would wear the SAME DAMN YELLOW SMILEY FACE BEANIE (or "tooook" for you Canadian readers) EVERY SINGLE DAY for a solid 3 years of her life

- preferred oversized, comfy clothes over anything "trendy" (to this day, that is still the case.)

- has "THE THING."

- writes beautiful poems and songs in her room into the wee hours of the morning

- has a lame victory dance.

- used to put on as many unmatched pieces of clothing as she could.

- would sneak up on the roof with me and star-gaze (don't tell my parents.)

- loved Buddy more than all of us combined.

- would be my music blasting buddy for Orianthi - Kellie Pickler - & Taylor Swift.

- would steal my clothes. And jewelery. And everything. (little turd.)

- watched her team win the State Championship from the sidelines - cheering them on and being GENUINELY HAPPY for the girls despite her crappy circumstances.

My sister is one of the most amazing people I know.

She has a servant's heart - she's a loyal friend and a friend to every single person she meets. Literally. Every person that meets my sister always tells me, "Tita is just so... awesome." There's just something about her that makes other people she meets feel SO important.

I love that about her.

She's hilarious & HAPPY. She's naive sometimes and I love it. She's patient and honest and loyal. She is so GENUINE and so REAL - not some fake high school girl that hides behind pounds of makeup and lives off of talking crap about other people.

She is BEAUTIFUL and doesn't know it.

She's wise and loving with her friends.

She knows who she is and doesn't get caught up standing in front of a mirror for hours - what you see is what you get when it comes to Tita - so beautiful.

She believes the best about people.

She loves Jesus and is GENUINE in her pursuit of Him.

She's an ABSOLUTELY incredible athlete and keeps a humble heart despite her success... seriously this girl is amazing.

She makes me so proud - I LOVE that I can call her my baby sister, and I tear up at the thought of her not being home next time I return to Colorado. :(

So... this is just a tribute to Tita.
The most incredible baby sister in the world.
I'm so thankful for her - so blessed.

And I don't mind a bit bragging about how incredible she is - because she doesn't get it as often as she deserves and BELIEVE ME she deserves it... every word.

Dear Tita,

You're amazing and everyone knows it. I love you. I'm proud of you. I love who you are as a person - so FUN and REAL and HAPPY and GENUINE. I love everything about you. I wish I had been a better sister to you - if I could go back in time I'd have you with me every step of the way :) But I'm so excited for the years we have to come... I love that you'll always be in my life.

I'm proud of you for your positive attitude despite the tough 4 months you've had. You've been an inspiration to me and to the people lucky enough to share these last 4 months with you. And now... you're going to freakin COLLEGE!!!

Of course, as your big, WISE sister I have to give you advice as you leave the Colorado Nest & settle in California... so here's my advice. The best I got. I hope you take away something from it.

1) KNOW Jesus. Don't just know about Him. Don't just know some things He's said... KNOW Him. Intimately. KNOW His heart - KNOW how He loves people - KNOW what His reactions would be in certain situations - KNOW His opinion of people - KNOW His truth - KNOW His humility, His servant heart, His radical words, His necessary relationship with the Father. The world is going to flash intelligent arguments and the Christian church is going to try to counter them in every circumstance - but if you KNOW Jesus, you will KNOW how to respond and what He looks like in certain situations.

He loves and He loves extravagantly... be like Him.

2) Fear not. Don't be afraid to try new things and make mistakes. Make wise choices about the things you try - but don't be afraid. Worse case scenario... you wind up pregnant and we have a little baby Tita running around. We'd still love you, promise. But you'd have plenty of regrets & if you could go back, you'd probably do things a little differently. ALWAYS THINK: is what I'm about to do going to affect my life to the point where if I could go back, I'd want to change it??
Live life with no secrets, and live life with NO REGRETS. You'll be SO happy you did. PLUS - and I can speak from experience - sex within marriage is just TOO wonderful and SO WORTH waiting for. So be wise - but don't hesitate to try new things. Dream big and fall big - we'll love you. You'll always have a family that adores you. But make wise decisions & pursue a righteous life in JESUS - full of love for people!

3) Be YOU. Don't become like every other college girl... please. Don't be worried about your outward appearance, don't compare yourself to the other "california beauties" around you - you are BEAUTIFUL because of your appearance, your smile, and especially your heart. WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW is so more than enough.
Don't get caught up with the trends, with clothes, with who's the prettiest or the skinniest or the coolest. You are ALL those things and more and who you are is so perfectly wonderful - don't change a THING.

4) Learn everything. Literally. Knowledge is power. The more you know about life, relationships, education, and especially JESUS - the stronger you will be as a person and as a follower of Jesus. Be a sponge - realize that school is an opportunity to LEARN ABOUT EVERYTHING and soak it all up. The more you know - the more influential you will be.

5) Guard your heart. What's in your heart comes out in your words and actions. If you want to love people, let Christ's love be IN YOU. I know it's so cliche but it's really hard to do. Don't guard your heart from love - guard your heart TO love. Don't fill your mind with things that don't matter - don't let your heart be worried about things that are out of your control. Guard it against the world and keep it consecrated to Jesus.

6) TRUST Jesus. Trust Him with everything - even the little things. Include Him in every area of your life. He's there and He loves you and you don't have to worry about a THING because HE said so. Rest in that. Trust Him with your relationships, your career, your healing process with your knee, your homework, everything. Your college experience will improve significantly the sooner you realize that He holds it all together anyways.

7) Chase wisdom. DO it. Look for wisdom and practice wisdom in every situation. Ask your teachers, ask your coaches, ask your friends. Don't just be impulsive - be patient and chase after wisdom for your decisions. And if I were you - I really would ask mom & dad. Seriously. We're lucky to have parents that are as wise and care about us as much as they do. Don't take that for granted, USE OUR PARENTS. Be wise and chase wisdom all the time.

8) Eat Healthy. I know this is a lame one, but seriously. The older I've gotten the more and more I've realized HOW FREAKISHLY IMPORTANT this is. Take care of your body. Stay away from sugar, from flour, from carbs. Eat veggies & fruits & DRINK TONS OF WATER. Your healthy, UN-DIABETIC, in-shape 50 year old body will thank me for this one down the road... but if you ignore me, you're FAT, DIABETIC, UGLY body will regret it every day. Trust me. Eat healthy & eat small portions & love your body - it's not vain - IT'S IMPORTANT.

9) Give 100% in everything you do. So corny - but so vital. Especially as a college athlete. You're not playing as a goalie for Master's College - you're playing for someone bigger than that. Don't give 50% - give 100% every day. Every time. In relationships too - be the friend that is dependable, loyal, fun, and in it for the long haul. It'll make you a better person and it'll shine a light, promise.

10) HAVE FUN. Laugh a lot. Make memories. Play jokes. Bake cookies & make weird smoothies. Go to fro-yo bars & pile on the mocchi for me. Eat chocolate even if you don't like it. Take TONS of pictures - more funny ones than serious ones. Go to the ocean as often as possible, it gives you good perspective and reminds you how small you really are. Don't take yourself too seriously. Love people. Go running, just because you can. Learn a lot. Find friends that will be there forever. Stay up late watching movies. Don't do drugs - dream bigger than drugs. Don't skip classes & get behind... that just equals more stress every time. Don't drink before you turn 21 - respect your authorities. BUT when you turn 21 - drink Budlight Lime & Woodchuck... they're by far the BEST. Set a goal & do it. If you get in a car with someone who is drinking and driving and still survive... I'm gonna kill you anyways. That's stupid and unnecessary and you'll regret it. When you're alone in your room, find some trashy rap song and turn it way up and dance your heart out - seriously, I've tried it when I was alone in my house and it's so freakin fun. ALWAYS encourage people - if you think someone looks beautiful, tell them. Don't be stingy with your words, your words might make someone's day a lot better. Blast Orianthi, Taylor, & Kellie whenever you can & think of me. :)

Don't forget to talk to your family at least once a week and always remember - we're only a few hours away.

Munchy - you make me happy. Thanks for making all of us so proud - seriously you have. I'm crying right now thinking about how sad I'll be when I come back to Colorado and you won't be there. But I'm SO excited for you and your future. I dont' care where you go or what you accomplish in life - you'll always be my fun, crazy baby sister who needs to mail me back that bathing suit you stole from me.... turd. :)

Dream big dreams Tita - and above all else,
love people & love Jesus... and love em' big.

I love you poop head.

Now go knock em' dead. :)

::Dear Bride::

I love how everyone thinks that marriage is the ultimate "cure-all" for problems.

Now, I doubt anyone would openly admit to believing that statement, including myself - but if I'm being completely honest & real here, I know that deep down in my heart and probably deep down in EVERYONE's heart, there's an element of truth to the speculation behind that completely idealistic/unrealistic belief.

So I struggle with insecurity now? Oh, I know that'll all just vanish when I get married. I struggle with self-image? No worries, being married will cure that. Fear? Jealousy? Doubt? Once again, as soon as I get that final ring on my finger and say my vows, I'll be good to go. Problem, solved.

wrong.

I think the enemy is completely behind that thought process, and uses it for a few reasons.

1) If we have that idea in mind, we don't confront our issues and problems head on, right NOW. When you think that a "for-sure-cure" is in the cards, then why get your emotions in an uproar and deal with your issues now? Why get your hands dirty when it'll all be solved soon? That lie keeps us from total surrender to God.

2) he loves to steal from us - our joy, our security, our lives. I'm sure satan LOVES watching us females believe that lie; we go into a marriage with our hearts set on that complete "hope of change," and then... we fall. We fall even deeper & harder when we realize that hope of healing was nothing but a lie. He builds us up higher and higher to make our fall harder than ever. Cue self-hatred, guilt, anger, and that pesky problem that you thought would be "cured" by the Covenant.... insecurity.

I can just picture satan sitting there, ugly as ever, eating some type of nasty popcorn, watching our lives unfold into tears, heartbreak, and self-hate like it's some type of comedy.

Our hope's/expectations of being healed in a marriage are slowly shattered and intimacy in marriage begins to evaporate... and he loves it.

Anything God is, satan hates. Period. he is the opposite of God in every way and whatever God creates, satan creates a counterfeit. his agenda is only to steal, kill and destroy... our lives, our character, our hope, our future, our families, our dreams, our society, our government, our friendships, and especially our marriages.

So... like I said, I'm sure deep down somewhere I believed that lie.

I went into my marriage thinking that whatever jealousy, insecurity, fear I dealt with would all soon be wiped away by my handsome Prince, my Knight in Shining Armor... my "savior."

Oh, believe me, my Billy is SO many wonderful things... but "savior" is not one of them.

So there I am, a broken person who doesn't realize just HOW broken she is, promising my life to an incredible person who I am subconsciously expecting to "fix me."

Begin the marriage.

Month 1: pretty blissful. A few "flare ups" here and there regarding my pre-marital issues... but still expecting healing.

Month 2: coasting by. Same story with more "flare ups." Slowly realizing that Billy isn't curing me...

Month 3: Still no cure. Still so many issues. Still heart-break, still fear, still doubt and insecurity. Self-hatred sets in...

Month 4: self-hatred yields no fruit. satan still whispering lies, and I'm letting him... "You're married now, why are you still struggling with this? Why can't you just be happy? You're a terrible wife... you're a terrible woman... you don't deserve this amazing guy... you should leave him so he can find someone better because he deserves better than you..." lies, lies, lies.

The marriage continued.

So many wonderful times, so many rocky times... still no healing.

Still no problem resolution.

Still so much guilt and self-hatred over my reactions and feelings.

At one point, my husband wanted me to go to counseling and I refused, because I believed another lie; the lie that says, I KNOW what the problem is, so I could fix it! I don't need help. (Lie.)

Satan is so good at what he does...

But Jesus is even better.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I never fully realized how messed up of a person I was until this year.

This year His grace came FULLY ALIVE to me - the meaning of it, the truth of it, the necessity of it.

I felt His grace in the way my husband treated me... despite my ugly attitudes, reactions, or accusations. He was so patient, so loving, so endearing and supportive. Jesus' love shined through Billy & I felt so much grace in that relationship. (I'm forever grateful.)

I felt His grace in the way He let an awesome man, Aaron Stern, speak painful truth into my life and bring counseling & healing.

I felt His grace in the way He allowed Beth Moore to preach a sermon at Passion that was literally JUST for me, empowering me through the Holy Spirit.

I felt His grace in the way He gave me a best friend who encouraged me, believed in me, LISTENED to me and loved me through my crazy times.

I felt His grace in the way He allowed me to experience the low lows - the kind of lows I NEVER thought I would experience - as use those times to be able to sympathize & gain a deeper understanding for the way people experience intense pain, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I never used to be able to relate/understand those people... now I can. GRACE.

I felt His grace in the way He used my parents to "let go" but still love me enough to be there for me, ready to advise, ready to love, ready to welcome me home anytime.

SO. MUCH. GRACE.

"If Grace is an ocean, we're all sinking..."

I recently heard my sweet friend Lindsey say "Our hindsight is always 20/20" - SO true.

I've been married just over a year, and as I look back on this past year, I can see the hand of God, the GRACE of God, so clearly over my life.

I made mistakes. I said things I shouldn't have said. I did things I shouldn't have done. I salted wounds, I set myself up for failure, I fell fast and hard. There are some things I would LOVE to be able to go back and change... but I don't carry the condemnation. Jesus forgave me so why would I not forgive myself?

BIG LESSONS I LEARNED THIS YEAR:

1) "Healing never happens outside of intimacy with Christ. The healing of our wound flows out of our union with Him." - John Eldredge "Wild at Heart."

- Healing hurts.

It's a deeply personal process. It's impossible to heal without getting your hands dirty and your emotions in a whirlwind. It's necessary for growth, it's necessary for any positive change in your life.. It can't happen outside of deep, time-filled dissection of your heart.

2) "God has a will for your life, and so does satan." - Beth Moore

The weight of the the truth of this statement just floors me. Satan wants to destroy every area of my life. he wants me to live in guilt, shame, insecurity. But the thing is that I can fight the battle from a place of VICTORY and can stop his lies dead in their tracks. They only have as much power over my life as I let them have. I can live in truth, in victory, because of what Jesus did for me, not what satan speaks to me.

3) "You can't change the way you feel about something, but you can change the way you THINK about it, which will change the way you feel." - Beth Moore

Perhaps the biggest lesson I've learned this year is just how incredibly POWERFUL my mind is. If I allow my mind to, it can create a negative thought rooted in fear/insecurity and MANIFEST it into the most real, hideous thing that controls my emotions to the point of serious depression. I don't have to let my thoughts run wild - I can control them and take them captive to the obedience of Christ. I am SO grateful for the way God showed this to me - He so gently allowed me to realize the damage I was causing my heart, emotions, and marriage by allowing satan's lies manifest into actions and reactions that destroyed who I wanted to be.

4) "Instead of leaning AWAY from Billy when you have a problem, you need to lean INTO Billy and allow him to share the burden with you. That's what marriage is." - Aaron Stern

I am now a HUGE fan of counseling. Not only is it healthy for your heart, but the benefits of it just spill out into every area of your life. My college Pastor at my former church met with me a couple times in the fall and REALLY helped me process through some of my issues. He helped me realize that marriage won't work if I try to fix all my problems on my own, THEN come to Billy as a "whole person." Nope. Billy NEEDS me to NEED him. He NEEDS me to lean INTO him, to allow him into the broken places of my heart and let him help me pick up the pieces. So grateful for all that counseling and SO grateful for a husband who was ecstatic when I told him I was gonna stop trying to fix everything by myself, but was gonna let him in to be a part of the ugly process :) I'm a lucky girl.

5) "Jealousy is never the problem. It's only the fruit of the problem. The root, however, is a heart that needs to be loved into security... I knew that the root of jealousy in any part of my life was stemming from the blood-sucking trait of insecurity." - Christa Black Blog

- This is a new but MUCH NEEDED revelation for me. Jealousy isn't the problem - it's just a FRUIT of the problem. WOW. So whenever this ugly, bitter fruit rears it's ugly little head in my life, I can stop, take a step back and check my heart to see what the real issue is. Have I been feeding my heart with satan's lies? Have I been allowing vain pursuits take the place of the best pursuit? Have I expected my love and security to come solely from Billy instead of my Father in heaven who LOVES me? See? Heart-check. SO good.

Those are some of the lessons I've learned this year that have been VITAL in my healing, growing process.

But in all honesty, I couldn't have done it without Jesus' grace over my life.

And His LOVE ~ sheesh His love.

I'm not sure why I wrote this blog - it's deeply personal and deeply vulnerable.

But it's there.

It's real.

It happened and it affected my life in many many ways.

I'm grateful for it.

I'm grateful for the TRUTH that is found only in Jesus.

It is only Him & Him alone that provides healing, restoration, and CHANGE to a broken, mangled, ugly heart.

He makes all things new, He loves us, and Jesus alone is the way, truth, and life.

"Until you have given yourself to Him, you will not have a real self."

~ C.S. Lewis.

That being quoted, I'm SO glad to say that it's a journey, NOT a destination.

I will still have ugly fruit pop up in my life, ugly thoughts I have to take captive, ugly emotions that I have to surrender to God.

We're humans, we're being changed from glory to glory and that process will not be completed until we are standing with Christ with this world has passed away.

We don't have to have it all together to get an invitation to know Christ...

Lifehouse says it best:

"Forgetting all I'm lacking

completely incomplete

I'll take Your invitation...

if You'll take all of me."

That's so beautiful.

And so a place to come to before you entwine your roots with someone else's...

If you're one of the girls who's believing the lie that "marriage is the cure," I encourage you to {{{stop}}}

If anything, marriage is just a magnifying glass ~ and all those "issues" that you thought would be "cured" just get bigger and in the way of joy... and force you to deal face to face with them... except NOW you have someone who wants to intimately be a part of the yucky process. :)

Don't wait for a man's approval & acceptance to heal you...

Don't depend on a man's love to make you a whole person.

My advice? From experience? Surrender it to God now.

He knows it anyways.

He LONGS to heal your heart.

He LONGS to get His hands dirty and put the broken pieces back together again.

He LONGS for you to believe the TRUTH about your worth, your value in HIM alone.

He LONGS to empower you to live in JOY, in FREEDOM, completely untouchable from satan's lies and completely RESTORED in Him.

Let Him love you. Let Him heal you.

Let Him be ALL HE IS - your healer, your friend, your comforter, your security, your UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

He's all you need... He's willing to heal your heart, and that's more than enough.

:::ONE YEAR!:::

*Disclaimer: Cheeseball alert - all cynics read no further... you've been warned. :)

Happy *ONE YEAR* Anniversary to the love of my life...

WE DID IT!!! :)

~~~~~~~~

"Love is a temporary madness.

It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.

And when it subsides you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.

That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-St. Augustine

<3

It's been one crazy, fun, amazing, life-changing year.

From the day I met Billy on my 19th birthday in 2008 to TODAY has been a total of 3 years and 19 days.

I love him more today than all those 3 years & 19 days combined.

My husband is incredible.

Not only is he SO fun to look at...

but he is SO wise.

He's patient beyond what I deserve.

He loves me - not just with words, but with his touch, his attention, his glance, the time he spends with me.

He leads me SO well.

He is teachable and open to advice from older, wiser men.

He's so honest and so easily vulnerable with me.

He's so SAFE - when he's around I'm not scared (unless he's trying to scare me.)

He's such a MAN - in his heart, in his thoughts, in his ideas, in his build. I love the incredibly strong, secure manliness that is Billy Stainback.

He makes good decisions.

He makes me laugh.

He's my best friend.

The first 7 months of our marriage were nothing short of insane.

We traveled to 28 different places in a span of 7 months... which means we lived out of a suitcase for 7 months... bizarre for newlyweds, I must admit.

The last 5 months were nothing short of THE WAY MARRIED LIFE SHOULD BE. :)

We got our house - made it a "home" - got into our routine with our jobs and schedules, he came home from work, I made dinner, we'd laugh & talk over our evening meals, sharing our experiences from work and our friends, and end up at the end of the day in each others arms again. :)

We've made wonderful friends, and we've missed some wonderful friends, but all this year we've had one constant, solid thing in our lives and it's been each other... and oh my word that is so MORE than enough for us. :)

We've had our incredibly stressful times, and we've had our incredibly blissful times.

We've had our very happy moments, and our very sad moments.

We've learned, we've grown.

We've changed and we will continue to change towards learning to love and serve each other better.

But regardless of the change - regardless of the growth - perhaps one of my favorite things about marriage is that at the end of the day... regardless of what type of day it was...

I end up next to Billy Stainback, and that alone makes my heart leap with joy and gives me so much peace...

I sometimes still can't believe that my days will begin and end side by side with this incredible man... FOREVER.

I LOVE my husband.

With my WHOLE heart.

I can't imagine a better man for me, a better fit.

I look forward the many memories we will make together... to watching his dreams come true as he becomes an official Air Force Pilot... to having children with him and watching his eyes light up as he holds his children for the first time... to having him hold me and wrap his massive, loving arms around me when we go through hard times together... to making parenting decisions on what to do when our kids don't come home by curfew... to growing old with him, holding our grandchildren one day.

Ah. :)

God is so ridiculously good to me.

This has been the best year of my life.

I can't wait for the rest of our adventures as Mr. & Mrs.

<3

Billy ~ I love you more than words can express.

You are better than the man of my dreams and I can't wait to love you and serve you and follow you and encourage you for the rest of our lives.

One year down... A MILLION MORE TO GO!!! I'm so glad that our roots are entwined forever. :)

Love, your girl.

:::Random Plug:::

I'm sitting here, in my sisters bedroom, listening to Jillian Edwards' music and loving everything about being in Colorado - minus the part where I'm missing my husband HEAPS&HEAPS. He is the other half of me and quite honestly - away from him I feel incomplete.

Head over heels in love is quite the understatement.

Sorry for the randomness. I just need to throw this out there.

HUSBANDS ROCK. Marriage rocks. Jesus rocks EVEN MORE for thinking of the idea. I love that fact that I don't have to live life on my own... I have a real, incredible person that adores me and wants to know me so thoroughly. I'm grateful for him and I'm grateful for the grace of God that has blessed me so immensely.

RANDOM PLUG:::: over&out.

::Hello 22::

The last few hours of being 21 years old - WOOOOOW.

Is it just me or has this past year FLOWN BY?

I can't believe I'm 22. I used to think to myself, "You know, I'm gonna probably DIE before I get to age 16 because that just seems so far away."

And now, age 16 is in my rearview mirror by SIX YEARS. Crazy crazy crazy.

It's so weird to be able to say now that, "I get married when I was 21..." because I won't be 21 anymore. Tracking? That's just so bizarro to me.

Anyways.

What a HUGE YEAR in my life. Probably the most challenging, fulfilling, and life-changing year that I have experienced up until this point.

I think I've grown more in the last year than in all my 21 years before that combined. Honestly. I've never been so challenged in my beliefs, strengths, weaknesses, decisions, and attributes of my faith:

What the Year 21 brought:

a new marriage.

a new home.

new friends.

new places that we traveled to.

new skills - aka, cooking, decorating, etc.

new hobbies.

new job.

new goals.

new challenges.

new growth.

new dreams.

new love.

SO. MUCH. NEW.

Which of course means - saying goodbye to the old.... to Colorado, to my best friends, to my family, to my old job, to my old hobbies, to my old dreams.

Still can't believe the changes that happened in my life... turning 21, to getting married, to moving away from the state and family I love so much, to learning and growing with this incredibly attractive, wonderful man that I promised to spend the rest of my life with... to traveling the MOST places in the SHORTEST amount of time, to finally having my own house to care for, decorate, and love.

WOW. So much growth, so many steps taken.

It's been a beautiful, rocky road as my first year of being a wife - with the new victories and obstacles that come with that title and that union - and I must say that, when looking back on all that has happened, this year can be summed up in a single question of God saying, "how deep, wide, and far will you trust Me?"

He is Yahweh. He is Emmanuel. If my greatest fear is being alone I should never be afraid because His promises stand true. I know this year He has tested my faith, cradled me in His arms, and guided me into a deeper knowledge of and relationship with Him.

Up until this year of being 21, I had always had a picture perfect relationship with Jesus - genuine to some degree but absent of the reality of how much I really needed His grace.

Absent of the knowledge of, with out Him, I am truly a messed up, unworthy, pathetic person.

This year has proved to me that without His grace & undending love... I am nothing.

I know that sounds SO cliche, and I'd LOVE to go into the gory details that remove the "cliche-ness" of the journey He's taken me on to get to this true, vulnerable, new realization... but some details I'd rather die than post publicly to be honest, and others are probably too boring for you to even care about

But it's been REAL. And it's been Rocky.

This year has been FAR from easy - but it's also been FAR from words like boring, uneventful, stagnant, and regular.

Not only have I been challenged in my faith but I've been challenged as a PERSON - which I understand go hand in hand, but I like to separate the two to see exactly where I've been "pruned" so to speak and where I've grown: in my patience, in my trust (in people & in God), in how I handle my weaknesses, in my love.

The words change & growth typically go hand in hand (at least, hopefully they do...) and both words in and of themselves involve some type of pain at times, some type of life adjustment.

For us... the adjustments have been HUGE.

Meshing two families together - meshing two very different HUMANS together.

Talk about change. Talk about dying to yourself & living for another person. It's unbelievable to me how God planned this life to be - and yet He continually blows my mind with how wonderful it is, regardless of how many things needs to be adjusted.

Despite the drastic time difference from high school days til' now - there are quite a few things that haven't "changed."

For instance, my family. Still there for me, still so supportive. Still crazy with their own little quirks. Still forever loving me & my new husband, and supporting this Air Force life that we've chosen.

And my best friend. Now, I'd be lying if I said those relationships haven't changed... because they've changed a LOT over the years. People grow & people drift, and that's the inevitable truth that I've come to not only accept but embrace... we all change. But my best friend hasn't. She's loved me and encouraged me all the same throughout the years. She pursues my hearts, asks questions that open the deepest parts of me and loves allllll the ugly that she sees. Despite the distance, despite the years we've been apart now, she hasn't changed and for that I'm so blessed.

Colorado Springs hasn't changed. It still takes my breath away every time I drive into the city/step off a plane into the city. One of the most beautiful, stunning places on earth - this little city at the foot of a majestic mountain range.

Finally - but most importantly, God hasn't changed. Duh. He knew me, loved me, and guided me through my high school days and does the same in my phase of life now - regardless of the whirlwind of change happening around me. He is a solid rock. He is immovable. He is TRUTH regardless of what anyone or anything tells me. I'm so blessed for these 22 years He's given me on earth & am so excited to see what happens next.

So... here's to age 22. Who knows where I'll be living next... who knows what plane my husband will fly? Who knows the this age will bring... a baby perhaps? New wonderful friends? New struggles & challenges? Sometimes when I think about the future I get scared, and it probably has to do with the fact that I'm not so optimistic about it all the time... but I know it the depth of my heart that whatever this age brings... I'll be ok.

God loves me & He already knows.

I'm choosing to trust my unknown future to an all-knowing God... who loves me.