:::The New Normal:::

What if talking about Jesus to every person you met became the "new normal."

What if.

I was driving back from Atlanta last night and had 3 hours in the car to think about this concept. I pulled over to get something to eat real quick and as I heard a young guy's voice come over the speaker, welcoming me to the fast food restaurant and asking me what I'd like to order, I felt a nudge in my Spirit say "Ask him if he knows Jesus."

My initial response, of course, was "HEYALLLL NO." hahaha.

Then I immediately came up with a list of excuses for God to let him know that my bringing up this topic, was probably not one of His best ideas.

"Well God, I dunno if you knew this but this guy is most likely at the first window, just waiting to take my money to pay for food. God I'm NEVER at that window for too long and I don't want to hold up traffic behind me just because I wanna bring up a convo about Jesus... that's rude to hold up traffic, God."

"What if he's crazy? It's late at night in the middle of a podunk town in Alabama, what if he gets mad, pulls out a gun and shoots me?"

"What if he's already a Christian? Then he'll think I'm just a Bible-thumping, "super good" Christian who's super legalistic and trying to make myself look good."

"What if his mom cheated on his dad... with a PASTOR? Then I'm most likely bringing up a very sensitive subject God, I don't want to ruin his night."

"What if he used to be a Christian, then got hurt by somebody in the church? Again... sensitive subject, God..."

My list was very long. And I could tell God wasn't impressed with my excuses, because the Holy Spirit kept nudging my heart... and ended up backing the traffic line up so bad that I literally ended up sitting at the first "money window" - a window that usually takes 2 seconds to go through - for about 5 - 7 minutes. Jesus is funny.

Looking back on the situation, I can't help but KNOW deep down in my heart that the only thing truly stopping me from sharing my faith, asking him a simple question, bringing up JESUS, was FEAR.

Fear of rejection, fear of humiliation, fear of being hated, fear of man.

I had a very similar Spirit nudge back in 2008, right before I left for YWAM, that I failed miserably. A very clear, distinct, "ask him if he knows Me" command that I ignored, again, for fear.

Satan LOVES fear. Fear keeps us trapped. Fear keeps us from dreaming. Fear keeps us frozen, unable to move or react. Fear keeps us.

How silly is that? God says that perfect love casts out all fear.... and God loves us with a PERFECT love, so why do we, as God's children, beloved, set aside, called by name, choose to take up residence in our little homes of fear?

What if the "new normal" consisted of God's people, throwing aside our fears, believing with our WHOLE HEARTS that God is who He said He is, and bringing up Jesus in our conversations like He's the most important thing in the world to us... and to everyone else?

You, I, have one life to live. I have ONE SHOT at this life and then I spend eternity with God. I want my heart to be so fully free. I don't want to live this life in chains.

I don't want my heart to be so ruled by fear, that when God tells me to bring up Jesus to a man at a drive-thru window that I KNOW I will probably NEVER see again in my life, I come up with a million excuses.

I was at David Platt's church last week and he said something that really RADICALLY (pun intended) changed my heart and mindset.

He said that perhaps we've heard the phrase "Always preach the gospel; if necessary use words."

After he said that phrase I was all nodding in agreement, like "yeah that's right! SO true!"

As I was nodding vigorously, he said "Well you guys, I'll be honest, as nice as that sounds, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

You can imagine my reaction..... I was kinda like you are, now........ WHAAAT?

He explained how Jesus, in the Bible, says PREACH the good news. He doesn't say "smile" the good news. He doesn't say "hug" the good news. He says PREACH. Meaning, SPEAK. Meaning, USE WORDS.

Yes, your actions must line up with your words, David Platt did encourage that highly, but so many times Christians (and I included in that) hide behind this pretty little phase, allowing that to be our excuse from brining up Jesus in a conversation.

I was pretty changed to be honest. David Platt has that radical affect on people, I suppose.

It caused me to evaluate my life in a way I hadn't in a long time.

My thought process is, "Well I'll just be really nice, not cuss, listen to Christian music, and if the OTHER person asks me about God, then I'll bring out all the Bible knowledge I know!!"

God did not give us a spirit of timidity. And that's what I am living in every time I use that excuse, timidity. Fear.

YES it does say "Let your light so shine before men...." and I LOVE that... but Jesus was the light of the world, and He didn't just come to this earth to be a nice person - to love on people, laugh, hug, smile, encourage.

No - Jesus was radical. He SPOKE. He used the power of His words - and it was His WORDS that changed the course of history forever. It was His WORDS that casted demons out of people. It was His WORDS (and, in some cases, touch) that healed the lame and the blind. It was His WORDS that caused Lazarus to rise from the dead.

This needs to be the new normal. It's not getting easier to be a Christian. And I feel that even in my personal walk with Christ - it's never been harder for me to pursue Christ and love Him with my whole heart. The spiritual climate is changing, I suppose. But in the midst of that, in the midst of our darkness, we have to let our light shine brighter than ever!

Lisa Bevere, a Christian Author and Speaker from my church in Colorado Springs, wrote a tweet once that I LOVED and essentially sums up this blog.

"The Fear-of-the-Lord swallows up the fear of man!

Allow the opinion of God to trump the opinions of people!"

(via @LisaBevere on 08 Aug 2010)

I LOVE THAT!! So powerful, so true. I need the Opinion of God to trump the opinion of people. I need to live my life in this "new normal." It's time for His bride to acknowledge Him fully!!!

"For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God that brings Salvation to everyone who believes!" ~ Romans 1:16

:::Freedom isn't Free:::

Earlier this week, Bill's flight had the privilege of hearing a man speak. I thought it would be another "boring lecture" that Bill had already had enough of, but when he came home from lunch, he had a completely different demeanor about him.

He was in shock, sort of in awe actually, and when he told me why, tears filled my eyes.

This man was a Fighter Pilot during Vietnam. During a battle, his plane was shot down and he was captured. He immediately became a Prisoner of War in Vietnam... for 6 years.

Stop right there. Imagine that... you have one life to live, and to spend 6 years of it in complete fear, not knowing which moment will be your last. Locked up in a TINY, cold, hard cell with boarded up windows and no sunlight for 23 hours and 45 minutes every day - only 15 minutes of "freedom" every day.

Having one light bulb shine down on you that never once got turned off, day or not.

To get beaten and tortured regularly. To be given one bar of soap every two months - living in filth. To have ZERO outside communication with family or loved ones. To wake up thinking, "I might die today."

Forget about comfort, forget about delicious food, or yummy coffee... forget about relationships. I can't even imagine that - to live in COMPLETE FEAR for 6 years.... that's unbelievable

Needless to say, I've never understood as much as I do now the sacrifice that men and women are making EVERY DAY. Now that my husband is truly in the military (by truly I mean out in the "real world," not living in the Academy bubble) we've gotten to meet some awesome people and hear some amazing stories.

I guess for those of you who aren't at all related or don't have any loved ones in the military, this day might come and go and not phase you at all.

I WAS you, before I met Bill - I didn't know ANYONE who served, nobody in my family really had, we were from El Salvador so we didn't really have the "Hoo Rah American Pride" thing going on.

Every year, the only special or important thing that came with veterans day was that our school would give an assembly and we'd have shorter classes that day!! Woo hoo!!

Now, I see things completely differently. The military isn't this far off, distant mysterious thing that I associate with the colors red, white, and blue.

Suddenly, the military is my LIFE.

Here I am, all of the sudden, having to incorporate a blue uniform into my wedding color scheme, learn about rank, iron my husbands uniforms, try remember five MILLION silly acronyms, show my military ID to some random guard at a gate every time I want to come home.

I went from a life of not caring about our military at all - to a life that is literally somewhat controlled by it.

And lets just say... I'M SO GLAD I DID.

Not necessarily the controlled part, but the AWARENESS part.

If you're one of those people I mentioned earlier with no military ties, PLEASE don't live the rest of your life letting it not be important to you.

I was you before, and living your life without that appreciation or PERSPECTIVE is truly no life at all.

Never before have I realized the SACRIFICE men and women have made over the years, even before I was born.

Husbands, wives, daughters, sons, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters who have served in the military have willingly GIVEN THEIR LIVES to preserve our precious freedom.

It's not about a pretty song, it's not about red, white, and blue everywhere.

These are people's LIVES, in many cases cut short, so that you and I can sip our Starbucks in our nice cars and houses, and worry about what cute fashionable thing we're going to wear that day.

I'm sure you've probably heard a similar analogy like that before - BUT PEOPLE PLEASE GET THIS!!

It's all about perspective.

It's all about the son who just left home for the first time and goes for weeks without communicating with his family because he's in an intense boot camp.

It's all about the dad who can't be at the birth of his first born child because he got deployed two weeks before.

It's all about the wife who's left at home while her husband is gone for months or years at a time, being the one to fill that "fatherly, protective" role for her children.

It's all about the children who run away in fear because they don't remember the face of the man in a uniform who's SO excited to see them!

It's all about the man who's own children run away from him because they don't recognize him since he's been gone for so long.

It's all about the wife who's handed a folded up flag because her husband gave his life to save the lives of others.

It's all about the mother or father who dread "the phone call" while their son or daughter is away serving overseas.

It's all about the spouse who has to relocate their family every few years because of the sacrifice and choice they've made.

It's all about the middle-school kids who have to leave their family and friends, again, because of the decision their parents made.

It's all about the man who not only has to deal with the trauma of knowing his fighter plane is about to crash, but once he safely evacuates the place, is captured and spends 6 years of his life in hell.

When that man was finally returned to the United States, he was sent to Travis AFB in California and spent two months in the hospital in order to help him heal and get rid of whatever parasites or germs he caught so he could be released safely back into the public.

The Air Force gave him two weeks off, which makes me laugh to be honest, and they paid for his plane ticket back home to his family.

Best part of the story.... the flight stewardess he met on the plane that day, became his wife :)

Talk about a crazy first date experience... "So, tell me about yourself..." haha insane!!

In spite of his terrible circumstances, that man says that he thanks God EVERY DAY for that experience - it's changed him to say the very least.

He knows he wouldn't have met his wife and had his children without those circumstances.

And he says he no longer worries at all about things that can be fixed with money.

Every day is literally a GIFT for him, he knows we're not guaranteed tomorrow so he's not going to worry about tomorrow.

That's amazing.

Knowing that people give their lives so you can live the way you do should strive you to live a FULL, RICH, WONDERFUL life filled with integrity.

Knowing that people you've never met die this week for freedom should leave you with an incredibly grateful heart.

After Bill told this story, I got tears in my eyes and went and sat on his lap while he held me... (I love my husband:) Then, he explained to me what the Code of Conduct for the Armed Forces is. Essentially, this is the way members of the Armed Forces are supposed to behave. I want to share this with you, because it really spoke to me, especially in light of hearing about the story of the the POW.

Article 1

- I am an American fighting in the forces which guard my country and our way of life. I am prepared to give my life in their defense.

Article II

- I will never surrender of my own free will. If in command, I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have means to resist.

Article III

- If I am captured I will continue to resist by all means available. I will make all efforts to escape and to aid others to escape. I will accept neither parole nor special favors from the enemy.

Article IV

- If I become prisoner of war, I will keep faith with my fellow prisoners. I will give no information or take part in any action which might be harmful to my comrades. If I am a senior, I will take command. If not, I will obey the lawful orders of those appointed over me and back them up in every way.

Article V

- When questioned, should I become a prisoner of war, I am required to give name, rank, service number and date of birth. I will evade answering further questions to the utmost of my ability. I will make no oral or written statements disloyal to my country and its allies or harmful to their cause.

Article VI

- I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States of America.

Don't let it come and go, don't let it be nothing to you.

Now, I just want to say a few thank yous!

Thank you to Bill's amazing sponsor dad, Chief Master Sgt Cal Jones. Thank you for imparting ALL your wisdom on Bill and I as we sit and sip sweet tea in your beautiful Adobe-style house :) We're so grateful for you and Miss Kathy!!!

To our MANY, MANY friends who are serving from the Academy, ROTC, and Enlisted - Thank you for serving, even when serving right now looks being the head of Services at Travis AFB like Sean Malanowski, or if serving looks like sitting in a dumb, pointless lecture at ASBC that you've heard a million times before. :)

Thank you to our friends, Nate Hawkins, Steve Bealieu, Chad Vandorhorst, Anthony Ferrera, Danny Velo, Kevin Mauer, and the MANY, MANY others who are working 12 hour days in Pilot Training so you can be the best pilots in the Air Force, knowing that times you'll put yourselves in harms way to serve our country. THANK YOU, I'm so grateful for all of you!

Thank you to the military wives I've met, at Maxwell and wherever else, who's husbands have been in the military for a LONG time, who have left their friends and family and moved houses 12 times in the past 15 years, who are STRONG, and BOLD, and encourage me to live a life that supports and honors my husband.

You ladies inspire me and help me to remember that I CAN DO THIS, even when I know there are so many unknown obstacles I will face.

Thank you to the wives I've met who's husbands have been in the military for a short time, especially Taryn Hawkins, for your friendship and for helping me with my MANY, many questions, and especially for opening your home to us :)

And finally, THANK YOU TO MY INCREDIBLE HUSBAND.

2 Lt. Bill Stainback, I love you so much.

Yes I'm nervous about what's to come... but a life full of unknowns in the military is SO much better than a life without you at all.

Thank you for your sacrifice... for moving far away from your family to Colorado Springs. Thank you for every homework assignment, every parade, every time you sat CQ, every effort you put to work hard to graduate from the Air Force Academy, to provide a great future for your family and for me. Thank you for your character, integrity, and for everything that makes you an incredible man. Thank you for your bravery, for always saying you put me before your career, and for welcoming me with open arms into your life. Thank you for loving me and for being the leader in our relationship in every way. I trust you, I love you. You're my favorite airmen and I'm going to support and love you every step of the way, forever, for better or worse. I'm so grateful for you. Thank you baby, I appreciate you so much. I LOVE YOU!!

"We're the land of the free... because of the brave."

:::Who are we fooling:::

There is a LARGE handful of you who will know exactly what this title means.

October 12th has passed... Brooke Fraser's album "FLAGS" has come out and oh my word is it good.

I want to focus in on what could possibly be my favorite song of the whole story.

From what I can tell, the 3rd track on the album is about a husband and wife.... and it simply brought me to tears!!!

I want to share the lyrics with you - because they're SO RICH and TRUE and DEEP and RIGHT.

The song itself is a simple melody, but please, especially if you're in a marital relationship that's struggling, do yourself a favor and buy the song off of itunes.

Every song on the album is a gem - but if you're living on a budget, try to spare a buck 29 and just buy this one song. It will tug hard on your heart strings, believe you me.

Here are the lyrics:

Who Are We Fooling?

by Brooke Fraser

"So we're back here again,

Tip toeing round the edge of the end.

Wondering who will be last to admit

That we're finally over...

Turned twenty-one on the day that we met.

Terrible shoes and plausible dress.

It's funny how sad the funny things get as you grow older...

Better or worse

But what else can we do?

And better or worse

I am tethered to you.

If it's not either of us

Tell me who are we fooling?

I love the art of biting my tongue,

I'm tired of trying to guess what was wrong

Both agreed on where we should go,

But not how to get there...

We tried and tried to loosen the knots,

Thinking once we're untangled we'll be better off...

But it's these failures and faults that hold us together.

Better or worse

But what else can we do?

And better or worse

I am tethered to you.

If it's not either of us,

Tell me who are we fooling?

This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue,

It's a beautiful knot that we just can't undo.

Together we're one but apart tell me

Who are we fooling?

Cause real love

Is hard love.

It's all we have!

It's a break-neck,

Train wreck,

It's all we have...

So we're back here again...

Turning away from the edge of the end...

Arm in arm.

Better or worse

But what else can we do?

And better or worse

I am tethered to you.

If it's not either of us

Tell me who are we fooling?

This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue

It's a beautiful knot we just can't undo

If it's not either of us, tell me who are we fooling?

Together we're one, but apart tell me

Who are we fooling?"

Ahhh.

Makes me cry just listening to it :)

Listen to the song on youtube, here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ4FduuouoY

Tell me what you think!!!

God is so good!!

:::Just a Wife:::

I just got off the phone with my sweet mother in love. Of all the crazy mother in laws in the world, I'm SO blessed with one who is loving, compassionate, who genuinely loves me and who has welcomed me into their family with open arms. In all honesty, all of Billy's family has done that, HOW BLESSED AM I??? I love his family, I'm so grateful to have married into their family, and I can't wait for the many memories yet to be made at all our family reunions!

Anyways, so I was talking to my Mother in love and we were discussing about the difficulty of being a wife, especially in the early phase of marriage.

I don't think that every marriage is difficult by any means, but we were specifically talking about how hard my scenario is, because right now I'm a wife.... and NOTHING ELSE. Or atleast that's how it feels.

I'm not working... I'm not in school... I'm not "pursuing my dreams" so to speak. I'm just... a wife. I'm a wife, doing essentially nothing with her time but following around a man that she's promised her life to.

That particular part of my circumstances has been difficult for me to sort through this past month - especially considering the type of person I am.

I LOVE (in most cases) busyness, I LOVE working, I LOVE learning about things I'm passionate about, I LOVE developing relationships. I love being busy.

I love juggling roles in my life - whether it's the role of a daughter, fellow employee, team captain, church go-er, Bible study leader, sister, best friend. I enjoy them all!

So... now. Things have changed. I've moved away from people that know me.... you know the story. I'm in a different place in life right now and it's hard for me to not have TONS of roles to fill - my only role really is being a wife.

When your life gets so simplified, it's easy for Satan to turn the focus on you and make you feel like you're life is meaningless.

You're not fulfilling anything, you're not making a difference.

You're "only a wife."

You just "follow around your husband like a mindless fool."

You're not a mother, you're not working. Just a wife.

For a girl who's life has consisted of more than 3 roles at any one time, it's hard to "just be a wife." In the past month especially, I've felt like my life was meaningless, I felt like it was a waste.

But after talking to my mother in love, and really having meditated on the thought a bit, God's reaffirmed so much in my heart.

I don't need 5,000 things to do to feel like my life has a purpose. I don't need to play in 50 roles so I can feel like my life is worth living.

I have a purpose, I have a life worth living.

Jesus decides to give me breath every day, He decides to give me His love.

He knows my name, my weaknesses, and sees my past and future victories.

He's given me a healthy body, a sharp mind, and two hands to serve Him and other people.

I have a role as His daughter. That role includes loving Him and others, serving Him and others. That role includes lining my life up to His - that's so amazing and humbling to think about.

Now, apart from that role, he's also given me the role of being a wife.

As much as I would in some ways like to belittle that role, He gently but firmly reminds me that I shouldn't dare think less of it. Here's why.

The role of a "wife" has SO much weighing on it.

Regardless of what society thinks today, I have power:

- I have the power to nurture, sustain, encourage, and love my husband - and I have the power to tear down, ruin, criticize, or destroy him.

- I have the power to serve him and help him, or to make his life miserable.

- I have the power to push him closer to God by the way I love and encourage him, and I have the power to turn him away from God by the way I judge, nag, and criticize him.

- I have the power to help him achieve his biggest dreams, and I have the power to discourage him to the point where he never dreams again.

Everyday I have choices.

Everyday I can choose whether to love, pursue, respect, honor, and help him - or do the exact opposite.

Everyday I can choose how I will speak, learn, grown, interact, judge, or react with this man God's given me.

Everyday I can choose to either live for me and fulfill my selfish desires, or live for him and his desires.

Living with those thoughts in the fore-front of your mind, I believe, could radically change marriages today.

I don't care that I'm not working, that I'm not in school, that I'm not "busy."

This time I have is only for a short season - Lord knows the years ahead will consist of nothing but me juggling around many, many roles - including mother!! (SO crazy to think about...)

No, this time of only having mainly one role of "wife" is a short time - and it's in these days, where it's just me and my love... before the crazy responsibilities... before the kids.... it's in THESE days that I am going to consciously pursue, love, honor, encourage, and respect my husband. Not only because he deserves it, but because God blessed me with this man and gave me the role of being a WIFE.

I have power, I have responsibility, I am a WIFE and I'm not going to believe Satan's lies that want nothing more than to distract or discourage me from living the role that God has planned out for me now.

It's not simple, it's not unimportant.

My roots are entwined with his, and love is never unimportant.

"... where you go, I go, and where you live, I will live.

Your people are my people, and your God is my God."

~ Ruth 1:16+

God also just brought to mind this famous chapter - SO encouraging to my heart :)

"A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long."
~ Prov 31:10+

:::Vulnerability:::

No joke, there have been SEVERAL events that have happened this past week where I've said, "Wow, I really want to write a blog about this."

God, in all honesty, is stirring in my heart unlike anything I've ever experienced before. This isn't the type of stirring that I've experienced in the past - it has nothing to do with a "Spiritual high" or "physically feeling His presence so closely" - it's so much harder to describe than that... much less tangible, but incredibly real nonetheless.

Where to begin?

Let's begin with me. I'm nothing special, and I've never before realized how incredibly broken of a person I would be without Christ in my life. God has gently, but very intentionally let me understand and experience more of Him in the most different ways - He's wooing my heart in a way that I don't exactly recognize or know how to respond to, but I'm listening. Oh, God, I'm listening.

The past 10 months or so have stretched and challenged me unlike anything that I even knew how to expect. I got married - to a man that I HONESTLY, all cliche's and "cute sayings" aside, have grown to love, appreciate, and care for more and more each day.

I've traveled, I've moved. I've left my family, my closest friends, the people that knew me better than even my husband does at this point.

I've left the one state that has captured my heart - moved to new surroundings where the hidden gems are still very hidden.

I'm at a crossroads in my life - decisions need to be made and in many cases, I'm everything but willing.

But that's ok. God's really, truly showing me that it's OKAY.... and here's why.

Before my outward, exterior plans unfold for my life - God's showing me more under the surface. He's revealing my heart and tugging on the things that truly aren't part of His plan for my life. A WHOLE lot of ugly - many bad habits - tons of pride, the list goes on.

It's painful, and it's affected me in more ways than it's really needed to, but I need to write this blog. I don't really want to, but as I've said in the past, it's good for me. So here we go.

For as long as I can remember, I've been the girl who has it all together. Whoever reads this from high school might (or, might not haha) agree and attest to that.... I never really had any broken pieces in my life, never had any huge troubles that I needed to offer up to God.

And I know I mentioned this earlier, in the blog about my sis in love Sarah, but for the sake of my story, I need to re-iterate this again:

I WAS AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN DOING JUST FINE.

Early on in high school, I made a few personality/life decisions that have dictated and defined a lot of who I am today. For example, I decided that I was going to be a secret-keeper. I've had my share of secrets and have been betrayed by people in the past, and I decided at that point that I wasn't going to be that type of person, and instead, whatever secret I heard or somebody confided in me, I was going to keep at all costs.

Also, I decided that regardless of whatever good advice I could contribute to a situation, I would ALWAYS try my hardest to be a fantastic listener. I've had friends who could do just about everything but listen to me when I needed it most, and I can't tell you how frustrating that is. So, early on, that was one of the decisions I made. I'm going to be a great listener.

Those are just a few examples of the types of ideas I thought about and developed in my life. Now, what I've realized is that those traits that I intentionally possessed were definitely great, but that in some way they caused me to really shut MY SELF and MY PROBLEMS out from other and all people.

I focused so much on hearing other people's issues and secrets, and carrying their burdens, that I never really practiced letting anyone have mine. And, by no means am I saying that I didn't have friends and family in my life who offered to share my burden or wanted me to be open, I honestly did. I had people in my life that I KNOW TO THIS DAY I could trust with anything.

But, the thing is that I never let myself share my burden. I was the girl who had it all together, remember? I didn't have problems. Well, that's a stretch I mean sure, maybe I did, but I really am a very strong person. I can handle it, I can fix them. I have God in my life, I'm in love with Jesus, I can read the Bible, I know what to do.

I can carry my own burden, really I'm fine.

That mind-set - despite the fact that it seemed to work PERFECTLY well for me in high school - really developed bad habits in my life.

I never imagined that it would, to be honest. I NEVER imagined, the mind-set of "I got this, I'm fine, I don't need your help, I'll figure it out" could develop issues of vulnerability that I'm experiencing in my heart and life today.

I DON'T LIKE sharing my burden because I feel like, for lack of a better word haha, a BURDEN on people! People are hurting, people are struggling! They don't need to add my issues on top of their busy, crazy lives! That's selfish! That's selfish of me to ask for help. That's selfish of me to share my problems. That's selfish of me to let people in, to invite them to walk this life with me and share my struggles. That's selfish.

And THAT ^, my friends, is what I'm realizing now, to be a HUGE LIE.

It's a lie from Satan! From the beginning of time, before man was even created, God lived, in a "community" for lack of a better word! He was with Jesus and the Holy Spirit! Then, He created Adam, and spoke the famous words that have become the comical trump line for many women in the church today.... "It is not good for Man to be alone." So... He created something better ;)

All through-out Scripture, God shows over and over again the importance of community. God has a "PEOPLE," not just a "PERSON."

Then bam, Jesus came. He could've done everything by Himself, He didn't need anyone else at all, but I think that is the most incredible lesson He could've taught us.

He showed us that yes, He really was "strong enough" to carry His burdens and live this life on His own, but He CHOSE to live it with 12 other guys.

He taught them, cried with them, listened to them, shared wisdom with them, showed them.

And He didn't stop there - it's so interesting for me to see that while on the earth, Jesus still NEEDED to get away from the crowd and his friends and commune with God!!!

He did it several times throughout the New Testament. That example is so humbling to me - If JESUS needed to steal away to spend time with the Lord during His time here on earth, how much more do I need that?

So. Obviously, the reasons I stated earlier of not wanting to share my burdens, is completely contradictory to the story Christ showed us with His life.

It's completely contradictory to what God is all about - He's a God that is all about His people, wanting the most intimate, detailed, intricate parts of their lives.

HE'S ALL ABOUT UNITY!!!

Unity involves more than just one person... so God obviously wants us to do this life with OTHER PEOPLE!!

It's so funny to me, however, when I think of how sneaky satan is. My argument before, of how I don't want to share my problems because people already have problems of their own, seems OH SO NOBLE of me. How selfless, right?

Wrong. That mindset is a nesting ground for some serious pride to grow - because sure your intentions may be pure to begin with, but when you start offering yourself to share other people's burdens, you may start to believe better of yourself because, HEY, you don't have any issues like these other people. You're all good. You have it all together.

And honestly, I think the word "vulnerable" to me had somewhat of a negative connotation. I immediately think of something that is "weak." Or transparent. And oh my gosh, neither one of those words is something I can see myself wanting to be. No I'm not saying I was a fake person, I didn't live a double life by any means, I wouldn't say something to your face and then turn around and say something different behind your back. I wasn't that type of person. I just hated asking for help, and I never did.

Well, you reap what you sow, and I'm finding that to be true in my life today. I never really SOWED in intimate relationships - I never sowed in being vulnerable with people.

I did it on my own, I was good.

_ PROBLEM_

What am I reaping now? I'm reaping some serious heart issues, some issues that have caused some struggles for me in recent months.

I'm married to I promise you, the MOST incredible man who wants nothing more than know every deep, intimate, hidden, ugly part of my heart and my mind. He's pursuing me, and HAS pursued me relentlessly, and he feels MOST loved and MOST intimate with me when I open up and tell him how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.

This is where I'm at - this is what I'm learning, among other things for sure.

But this is what God is teaching me - that I truly CAN'T do it on my own.

Yes, I really CAN do it with HIM alone, but that's not what He's called us to.

He's called us to relationships.

He's called us to deep, intimate, messy, vulnerable relationships with friends and family - I mean, MARRIAGE is like the ULTIMATE relationship and it was God's idea!!

IF you're like me, if my argument mentioned earlier about not wanting to give my problems to people who are already struggling makes sense to you, listen to me.

THAT'S A LIE.

You can't do it alone.

You need people in your life that you LOVE and TRUST.

You need people that you know you can tell ANYTHING to, and they will still love you and think the best of you.

Find people, pray for God to bring people to you. It's HARD, oh my gosh it's so hard!

And just for venting's sake...

I HATE BEING VULNERABLE!

I HATE TELLING PEOPLE MY PROBLEMS AND ISSUES!

I HATE HATE HATE HATE IT!!!

BUT, oh my gosh, to wrap my story up, I was having a rough day and was essentially at the end of my rope. Billy had been asking me for a while to "talk to someone, talk to someone" and I responded with "No, baby, I don't need to talk to someone. I'll be ok. I know and love God, I know the Holy Spirit, I can read my Bible, I'll figure it out on my own."

Well, life events changed to the point where I realized one day, "Oh crap... maybe Billy is right." (Which, honestly, he is just about EVERY SINGLE TIME.)

(Billy if you read this and ever bring it up to use against me, I'm not kissing you for a week.)

So I called up our college Pastor named Aaron Stern, and in a sense of desperation, asked him for help.

We met a couple times to just talk and figure out what was going on. I can't even tell you how many times the idea of bailing on our meetings appealed to me - I did NOT care to talk to him and I did NOT want him to know anything that was going on. He didn't KNOW me, how could he help?

But he shared a lot of insight with me, and reiterated the fact to me that we need people and we need community to survive.

There are a few other ideas that he helped me understand that I want to blog about - but I'm going to finish with this general idea.

I KNOW being vulnerable sucks sometimes - but, I'm telling you, from EXPERIENCE, you can't do it alone.

You REAP WHAT YOU SOW.

Most likely, eventually, if you're not in a relationship as intimate as marriage already, you will be, and problems of vulnerability only cause for some serious issues, pains, and hurt feelings. Find people in your life now that you trust, and tell them your story.

BE HONEST.

BE MESSY.

BE REAL.

BE VULNERABLE.

That's God's idea. And I promise you, if it's God's idea, it's the BEST idea.

:::Conclusive:::

When it comes to the condition of my heart, these past few months have been somewhat of a struggle for me. I'm just going to jump right into it, if you don't mind.

In high school I was the popular, athletic, out-going, Jesus loving class clown (literally, my voted title two years in a row). I had tons of friends and loved being around people. I was far from being the prissy, pretty, cheerleader-y, make-up-y, trendy girl...

In fact... {sidebar} that being said, in many ways, my sister in love reminds me exactly of myself - I'm convinced that we literally played the exact same roles in high school. (Except I ditched bball in junior high and fell deeper in love with the best sport in the world... volleyball.... AND I'm not a dumbblonde... buaha, jk Sarah.) Literally, the similarities are scary: class clown, jock, popular, close group of 5 or 6 SISTERfriends, out-going. Well, hello that was me.

Now, I'm not sure why I went on this tangent, perhaps because I love Sarah Faye and glad God chose her to be my sister in law, and wished we lived closer so we could have chickfila for breakfast, make up sexy new outfits, and spoon every day.

Photo for your visual pleasure:

(she's a cutie) :)

Anyways back to the original point. In high school, I honestly hardly ever struggled insecurities. I mean, I'm sure I had them, and I'm not sure if I was so swelled up with pride that I considered myself too good for them, but issues that girls in high school struggled with, were not the same issues that I dealt with.

Fast Forward:::: Here I am.

21 years old.

Graduated from highschool 3 years ago (that's just crazy.)

Married to the man of my dreams

Living in the city of my dreams... haha jk. :)

And with more struggles, and issues than I know how to deal with.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place - I don't know how to respond.

I'm missing so many things - desiring so many things, dreaming up so many things, afraid of so many things.

God's still working these things out in my heart - doing so every so patiently and gently mind you, but it's a work in progress and I just wanted to give a little update about it.

Not sure if you can relate.... not sure who the "you" is to be honest, haha.

But this blog is more for me than it is for "you" anyways.

The interesting thing about this blog is that a resolution seems very far away right now. Which isn't the common theme in my blogs - they always begin with a struggle and end with a sound and firm resolution.

But I can't think of one right now, especially for this specific issue.

So... I'm just going to run on a tangent a little bit and declare truths that I know to be sure in my life. It's comforting to have solid, absolute truths in your life. They keep your mind calm and your feet from slipping. So here they are:

God loves me.

He's good.

He's true.

He gives me enough grace for each and every day.

He knows me intimately.

He fashioned me.

He's blessed me.

He's written my name on the palm of His hand.

He is merciful.

He's never, once, or ever will, let me do this life alone.

He's protected me.

He's my sustainer.

He's my provider.

He's a friend.

He's loyal.

He saved me.

In the midst of all this ugly... all these unknowns.... all this lack of resolution....

I am blessed.

And I'll rest in that, for now.

:::Belong:::

Jesus began a revolution with one word.

When He said the word, "Father," He changed everything.
And now, He's invited us into this reality... into this place of belonging, to call God our "Papa," our "Daddy," our "Abba."
: Jonathan David Helser

I don't know that there is much more to life than that.

These are truths; timeless truths that I'm still struggling to grasp and capture in the deepest parts of my heart.

I want my heart, my identity, my thoughts, my emotions to be set on and capture by this one idea.

He is my Abba.

He is my dear Father.

He broke down all barriers and gave Himself fully for me.

His love covers my sin.

His love covers the depths of my soul; the ugliest parts.

He takes my heart, every part, and holds it together.

He knows me better than anyone, and still loves me unconditionally.

{He loves me enough to win me back to Himself, even when I feel so so far away.}

Even when I've let my flesh and sin take over my actions, He calls my name.

(Even when I turn my back on Him and follow legalism, He reaches for my hand.)

Even when I sing songs but am so far from being in truth, His Spirit dances over me.

(Even when I am swallowed in pride, He calls me by name.)

Even when I feel alone, He cradles me in His arms.

(Even when I hate myself, every part, He speaks to my heart, "I chose you. You're mine.")

That's overwhelming, when you let the truth of it sink into your heart.

"For I am sure, that neither death nor life, nor angels no demons,

nor things present nor things to come, no powers, nor height nor depth,

nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God in Chris Jesus our Lord."

- Romans 8:38-39

It's incredible to think that even when you hate yourself, God calls you His.

He sees you. He sees your heart, your thoughts, your mind. And through all that muck, in all those deep, dark, secret corners, He breathes His love. He pours His grace. He shines His light and calls you "Beloved."

Ahh I'm so overwhelmed by this idea.

Especially in this particular phase of my life.

He is my ABBA!

I am called His daughter!!

I belong!

I am Free!

I have breath in my lungs and truth in my mind and a song in my heart and a purpose over my life - and the King of Kings knows my name!

I don't need to search for a reason to live; I have found my reason and know that it's hidden in Him - I'm alive in Him!!

"Open up the heavens, pour down Your Spirit on me!

Oh Jesus, wherever You need, I'll sing harmony!"

- "Let Your Light Shine" by Bethany Dillon