:::The Story of New Jersey:::

Of all the things in the world I need to be doing right now... I feel so compelled to sit down and write about my God and what He's done for us. 

I feel like my heart is about to burst. 

I am OVERWHELMED with thankfulness and amazed by His faithfulness throughout the past year. 

Ok - rewind about, 8 months. 

We were approaching our Drop Night... (you can read about that experience here) ..... the FAIP (First Assignment Instructor Pilot, meaning Bill & I stay in the dirty Del for four more years) jokes were coming at us headstrong.... and in my heart, I as SCARED. TO. DEATH. about the possibility of staying in Del Rio. 

Clarification - Del Rio, Texas is more special than you or anyone else thinks it is. 

I met some amazing people and honestly came to love and appreciate small towns in a way I never thought I would. I learned that I could survive without a Starbucks... or target or Chickfila or shopping in general. I

 LOVE living in a town where I could speak spanish any/all the time. 

I LOVED living on a teeny-tiny base, where you are guaranteed to see someone you know every time you leave your house. 

I MISS not having to sit in traffic, ever. 

It's a simple place that taught me to appreciate the simple life - a lesson few have the pleasure of learning.

This post is in no way meant to hate on Del Rio, because Del Rio has a forever special place in my  heart, so much so that I wouldn't even mind going back and living there one day. No lie. 

BUT. 

That being said... in general, Del Rio was an extremely dry year for us spiritually. The Christian community that both Bill & I had grown up in (one that we later learned, we had taken for granted...) you know, the kind with an incredible church that was involved with the community and youth group retreats and small groups and bible studies and people living this messy, broken life with people - that kind of thing. 

Slim to none. 

To the point where, we didn't even really find a church there. 

Now before all you perfect Christians start waving your judging little finger at us - we DID church-hunt quite a bit when we first moved there (to the point of tears - if we're being completely honest here)... & we just eventually came to the decision to do church every Sunday at our house... & we LOVED that. 

We live-streamed Northpoint Community Church from Atlanta, GA online every Sunday. Our best friends would come over and we would learn from the incredible Andy Stanley and we loved sharing that special time with them, I appreciated that so much & even still on some Sundays, wish I could teleport them over here and do it all over again with them (and their new precious baby boy addition!!)

Also, overall we met some really awesome Christian people, and towards the end of our stay there we started a Bible study with an amazing Christian family that we grew to love and appreciate & that I truly miss. This couple was a "veteran Air Force" couple who we respected and admired from the deepest parts of our hearts, we truly hope to be just like them and mentor younger Air Force couples when we're older as well. 

That being said: all of that was fantastic... and all of that I miss... but for some reason, despite all of that, we never got the deep, multiple people, small-group feel COMMUNITY that I think deep down we were longing for. 

Hardly any of the super strong, "raised in the church" Christian couples we met and would've liked to have grown close to, seemed to want to befriend us in that deep, life-giving/sharing way. And that's totally fine, not trying to knock any of them... but still, it was something I missed. And something I, we, were longing for. 

So here we were, weeks away from Drop, I was a nervous wreck to the point of giving myself a stomach ulcer (an embarrassing truth and lesson I've learned from) and I probably interrogated Bill with questions EVERY EVENING about the FAIP situation... "Have you heard anything?" "Did they make any more FAIP jokes to you??" "Have you gotten 'the FAIP talk?'" ---- needless to say, I WAS A PAIN TO LIVE WITH. Thinking about it too much made me sick to my stomach, and that's not an exagerration (I didn't even realize that was possible!!)

I remember crying to the Lord, on MULTIPLE occasions, including the drive to and from work, praying and even PLEADING with Him to please, PLEASE NOT have it be His will for us to stay there. 

I honestly couldn't do it another 3-4 YEARS.

I couldn't experience this "desert year" for another 3-4 YEARS. 

I couldn't do a live-stream church w/no actual CHURCH BODY for another 3-4 YEARS. 

Ugh, it hurt my heart so bad. I prayed and worried and made myself sick for a solid two-three months before drop came and as you can imagine, the week of drop I was like, insane. I hid it well (I hope) but my mind, my heart, my THOUGHTS just PLEADED with the Lord consistently and I thought about NOTHING else.

I knew He was good and sovereign and I knew if His will was for us to stay in Del Rio He would've provided that community for us that we were longing for in a second - He's good like that and He loves His children like that. He loves relationship and community. But still - I was heartsick to leave and move on and close that chapter in our lives. 

YAY DROP! It comes and goes and it is honestly one of the best nights of my life and I'm shaking from pure joy and adrenaline and 

IT'S OFFICIAL: GOODBYE DEL RIO & HELLO NEW JERSEY! 

It was in His plan all along.... the end of my "desert" as I could see it was in sight... we were moving on. 

OF course I googled the crap out of every church in New Jersey... google maps became my best friend & I made list upon list of every non-denominational church listed in the surrounding (aka 35-50 minutes) area of base. There were less ones that I had anticipated (of course, at this point I was only judging based on which church had the coolest looking website) but still - WE HAD MORE OPTIONS THAN BEFORE and I was excited. 

So we started praying for community. 

I prayed that the Lord would prepare a COMMUNITY of believers that we could really, be real with. I prayed that God would send us more incredible friends that we loved hanging out with, (because at Laughlin, there were only a few that we like, LOVED hanging out with) who love Him and pushed us closer to Him. 

Apparently... God hears prayers. 

We finally moved to New Jersey and are settling into our precious home. I'm excited beyond belief and we ended up meeting our sweet next-door neighbors one of the first few nights we're there... upon meeting, we find out that a) the husband was in the same squadron as Bill (apparently on a huge base, this can be rare to live right next to a person in your same squadron so HELLO Connection #1) 

b) They had lived at Laughlin previously as well for a few years (HELLO Connection #2) and C) They had lived on the EXACT SAME STREET as we did in Laughlin, just a few houses down!! (CONNECTION #3) Ah!!! Potential community & so many connections! We were in heaven as far as we knew it, felt so warmly welcomed by them & I immediately sent out some excited texts to our family to let them know about the awesome new next door neighbors God has placed there for us! So far, so good! :) 

Life continues, the house gets set up, I am unfortunately in the middle of the hardest math class of my entire life and statistics makes me a HERMIT for a solid month. I knew I was doing it to myself, since I hadn't really made any more of an effort to meet neighbors other than our sweet ones next door, so I just kinda rolled with it and didn't blame God too much for the LACK of community that I was feeling at that point. 

Then, it starts happening. 

Bill takes me to the squadron and I meet his squadron commander. He. Is. FANTASTIC. I got the believer vibe right away, he warmly welcomed me and told me to feel right at home, I loved him on the spot. THEN I met his wife - also incredibly amazing. They had been stationed in Colorado Springs and I found out had put their kids in the same amazing school I went to and graduated from - CONNECTIONS! I got the Christian-vibe from her as well and asked her if she was a believer and sure enough... then she proceeded to tell me that SEVERAL women in the squadron were firm believers as well... I was in heaven. 

Sure enough - met a beautiful one from Texas with three precious boys... they invited us to their church and then to their house for lunch after. We loved their precious little boys, and the lunch ended with them laying their hands on us and praying for us as we were starting this new phase of life in New Jersey. It blessed my heart so much. 

From there... the Christian community in the squadron exploded. I remember coming home with Bill one night and we were both in tears about how faithful God had been to place us in a squadron with so many believers. 

THEN.... the block-party happened. 

We had been in our neighborhood about a month when we heard about a block party at the park across the street. I was excited because this finally gave us a less-than-awkward way to meet our neighbors without having to randomly show up on their front step for no reason other than to say "Hi, I want friends." 

Saturday came and it started to rain... and I was feeling lazy and we debated not going. Because of the sudden storm, every time we looked outside at the park we only saw a few people, and we didn't want to go to a block-party that was a flop where we would have to awkwardly co-mingle with only like, 4 other people... so we almost didn't go. 

But God is smarter than us and made the sun come out and we ended up going about 45 minutes late... still no one was really there, and I'm pretty sure I mumbled under my breath to Bill how awkward this was about to be with only like, 3 other people, but we meandered our way over there and I put on my game-face and focused on meeting our new neighbors and remembering names. People started coming and it turned out to be a huge hit.

Of course religion isn't always the FIRST thing talked about in a new conversation with someone, but we ended up meeting a family with three beautiful daughters who invited us to sit with them, they were awesome. Believers, I could tell. We started talking and we were able to talk about how hard church hunting had been for us at that point, and we felt so encouraged by them. 

The rest of the afternoon was fun, and we ended up meeting a few other couples on our street who didn't have kids (which is RARE in this neighborhood.) They were all young couples too and we found out they were all believers too!!! AH! We met like, 8 neighbors who lived ON OUR STREET who were believers and who wanted to start a Bible study! No, I wasn't excited about it at all...

Next thing you know we hang out with these people and they are amazing. But there is one in particular I want to talk about.

Now, I've found that, regardless of how sociable I think I am, I'm not always good at pursuing other wives. In the military community, you know that MOSTLIKELY if you, as a wife, are sitting home bored out of your mind and there are other wives on your street doing the exact. same. thing. 

WHY NOT DO IT TOGETHER?

See that concept above... I'm not great at. I enjoy planning and am not great at the random visits, so I rarely pursue other wives even though I'd love to be friends with them. 

But thankfully, God is amazing. 

This girl I'm talking about, who lives up my street, just so happens to be IN-CRE-DI-BLE at that. 

She has been there for 3 months longer than I had at the time and knows everyone on the street. 

She is super spunky and sarcastic (which I like) and we hit it off immediately... and she starts pursuing me. 

To hang out, to go on runs together, to come to her Bible studies. 

Even if I turn things down, she still texts me the next day. (Rare, almost weird, right??)

Literally, I've known this girl for like, maybe 2 weeks, and she texts me and talks to me like we've been best friends since 2nd grade. I

t's INSANE. 

She loves Jesus and doesn't waste any time on small talk... she gets DEEP and REAL with me immediately and all of the sudden I'm telling her stuff I don't tell a lot of people and it just takes off from there.

Needless to say, I'm incredibly thankful for this friend. 

She pursued me, and pursued every other wife on our street, and because of her persistance, now WE'RE ALL friends and BAM - here's the Christian community I've been DYING for. 

Each of these girls has a fantastic, strong personality and I honestly feel like I've been friends with them for so long. I SO LOOK FORWARD to hanging out with each one of them and I am honestly overwhelmed with joy that most of them live on my street... (and I'm grateful for the ones who live in Falcon Courts North... you know) ;)

We all apparently love hanging out together and before I know it... I'm in FOUR Bible studies and meeting TONS of fantastic women who love the Lord and I'm having to turn down Bible study offers because it's too much for me to handle...... and I've gone from ONE EXTREME (desert) to ANOTHER EXTREME (heaven) and I'm overwhelmed with Jesus. 

So what prompted me to write this ridiculously long novel-of-a-story that no one will probably even get to the end of??

Today I'm babysitting the Chaplain's daughter (another AMAZING family who lives about 6 houses down from us... duh right?) and his wife comes to pick us up and we start talking and I invite her to the Bible study that I just started going to his morning at my next door neighbors house. 

We're studying the book of Malachi and I'm once again immersed in a room full of women and masks are removed and real, deep prayer requests are shared and we all laugh and literally cry with each other like we've been friends forever. I'm getting tears in my eyes as I think about it - it's literally unreal. 

So I invited this fantastic mom/Chaplain's wife to the study and she wants to come and asks me... "aren't you in like, a few other Bible studies?" and I agree with her about how I'm so (HAPPILY) overwhelmed because yes, I am in fact in THREE OTHER BIBLE STUDIES and she asks how I do it and I explain that I really don't know... but then I start to share with her about our time in Del Rio and how that was a dry, dry time for me with no community but how HERE.... this place is different in every way. How Bill & I have been praying for and LONGING for this and here it is and we're eating it up!!

Then she shares how last year, it was hard on her family and they didn't know many Christian neighbors on this street but how in this year alone, the neighborhood has EXPLODED with believers and she said she is so grateful because.... her and her husband had been praying for Christian neighbors. 

...

In case you missed that.... they had been praying for us. 

And for our brand new friends. 

And we had been praying for them. 

And for our friends. 

And I'm sure people all over our amazing lives had been praying for them and here we are.... in a completely different place... a few months later... where we're having to TURN DOWN BIBLE STUDIES because we have too many to choose from and people have been praying for us to be here all along. 

I'm insanely grateful. 

I'm in awe of my King. 

This type of community - the type where masks are stripped and struggles like addictions and marital problems are talked about and secrets like insecurities and eating disorders are shared and all of this done over a few beers or over lunch or in Bible Study with the girlfriends......... this type of community, where you get DEEP and REAL with people you've only known a few months... where Jesus is the shared interest and desire. 

This type of community is rare. 

This type of community is a treasure.

This type of community is literally life-changing.

This post is dedicated to my Jesus. 

He prepared this place, these friends, this home and this squadron for us. 

He KNOWS we are made for community. 

He KNOWS we are all messed up and that we get fixed BEST when we share our messy-ness with each other.

He KNOWS we should never be alone, and that life shared over a beer or a glass of wine with someone who really loves Him is a life worth living. 

I am overcome by His faithfulness... from the squadron, to our neighborhood, to the church we recently found and are getting plugged into.... the Lord's power has been SO EVIDENT in our lives and I can't get enough. 

I'm so thankful. 

And I just want to shout it from the rooftops. 

Community is where it's AT and it's not meant to be lived without. 

Here we go...

:::Living Proof:::

You know those times in life where you hear something old... in a new way... like it was the first time again and you wanted to just crawl into a secluded corner and ponder the old:new thing in your heart for hours? And hours? And... hours?

Yes? No? Tracking where I'm going? 

If you don't, maybe the name "Beth Moore" will help shed a little light on what I'm trying to explain. This post isn't going to be about Beth because first of all I'm sure she wouldn't care for it, which is another reason why she is so loved... humility is not something that escapes this wise woman with a mighty platform. 

However, the way the Lord used her to communicate to my heart in a new, fresh way was remarkable today. 

So, scenario. I found out late last night, Friday afternoon that Beth Moore was actually going to BE at the conference that I had previously heard about in Reading, PA.... before, I thought it was just going to be a simulcast of her preaching from another location... but NOPE - Beth was going to actually be IN PA... and Lord knows with us FINALLY living close to a place where amazing events like this come to (ie, a place that ISN'T Del Rio, Texas) I didn't want to miss it! 

So I rallied a couple girlfriends late last night - so random, so spontaneous, so fun - and convinced them to leave at 5:45am today to make the 2hr road trip to make it to the will-call office at the time it opened to hopefully snatch up some of the last few tickets! Yep... we were on a 2 hour road trip at 6am with only our teeny weeny HOPES of having tickets there waiting for us when we arrived... nutso. 

But it was fun. As you can see... :) My beautiful friends.

AND God knew what He was doing as He conveniently positioned us at the front of the line just in time to get tickets and front row seats!! 

YES! *Little victories... big grace!*

Again, this isn't about Beth because it never SHOULD be about Beth but it is COMPLETELY about what the Lord spoke to me today THROUGH Beth due to her obedience and willingness to reflect and direct ALL the glory back to Him... wow. 

She's a fast-talker with animated language and before I knew it I found myself taking notes like a mad-woman... here are some random thoughts that tugged on my heart I'm recollecting as I look over the chicken-scratch notes I took today:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"God didn't call us to 'fine' - He called us to 'faith.'"

"Do you want to live a miraculous life based on the supernatural provision of God, or do you want to live a humanly explainable life?" 

"Don't waste the harvest of failure... you will rarely have a better teacher than failure." 

"Faith faces the fact that there is no 'formula...'"

"If you got everything you need, you need a bigger life!" 

"Have you had your faith attacked? Attack back with your faith!!!"

"The Lord speaks; many, many women spread the good news." - Psalms 68:11 NET

"NEED is our invitation to the supernatural!" 

"You don't have everything you need until you are ABOUNDING in good works!!" 

"You may not be called to teach... but you ARE called to tell!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a few nuggets of truth from the weekend... these small snapshots of ideas don't do justice to the whole message but there is one in particular that I'm going to elaborate on:

"Faith trusts that every call to FORSAKE is a call to also TAKE!" 

Ah! Do you get that? 

Every time the Lord calls us to forsake something... whether it is jealousy, bitterness, unforgiveness, hate... He doesn't just call us to forsake it and leave us with a huge empty void! 

Everything the Lord calls us to forsake, He also calls us to TAKE!

What do we take to fill the void of the stuff He calls us to forsake? 

We TAKE joy, forgiveness, compassion... we TAKE UP His likeness to become more LIKE HIM! 

This brings such peace to my heart. This makes so much sense in my head.

I know this is somewhat random and I can't really put to words exactly what is stirring in my heart in head right now only that it's different. It's an old thing in a new way and I'm determined to F O R E V E R lean into it and pursue it. By "it" of course I mean HIM - His Spirit, fully alive in me, fully immersed in His word. 

I can't really go too much into it, but there has been a few things in my life that I came face to face with today as Beth was praying over me that sickened my stomach - eventually you have to come to a place where you look the enemy of your soul straight in the eye and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! 

That's where I am at today. 

Swimming, hardly keeping my head above water. 

Tired of fear that rules certain areas of my life. 

Tired of old habits that reinforce insecurity, shame and pain. 

Tired of living a life, supposedly called to freedom, while in chains that my Father holds the keys to! 

HE IS GOOD!

REGARDLESS OF CIRCUMSTANCE!

REGARDLESS OF HOW BAD WE ARE! 

HE IS GOOD AND HE GIVES HIS CHILDREN GOOD GIFTS! 

Ah. My heart is about to burst. Thank You Lord.

Anyways - I'm starting today and planning this road out with Him as my center. 

I've had quite enough of the shackles I've chosen to carry and am ready to release them. 

And I'm going to do it with a little help from sweet Beth herself... who made this incredible tool for us "shackled" to use to FIGHT with faith! It's right here -- I HIGHLY recommend you check it out! 

She calls it "The Great Forsake and Take" Book... it's a collection of compiled scriptures that deal directly with fear and help saturate your mind with truth over lies.

It is my guidebook for the next few months to combat these certain strongholds and I've never felt more capable or expectant of Him in this season. 

It's new... I love new... if you've ever read my blog before you KNOW how much I love NEW and once again, today is a new NEW for me. 

(Pathetic with the repetition? Perhaps. 

But I choose to take up a NEW self in Him instead of wallowing in my pathetic self. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.)

Alive - fully - living for His glory in His calling. 

With a renewed FAITH in the Son who is SO, so, so so so so so (times infinity) worthy. 

Trust in Him at all times, O people; 

pour out your heart before Him.

God is a refuge for us. 

Selah.

~ Psalms 62:8 ~

*Psst... if that link for "The Great Forsake and Take" book doesn't work, just go to blog.lproof.org and search for the post from September 15th, 2012. She has the book there for you :)

::: Better than Butterflies :::

Falling in love is a myth. 

Choosing to love is the reality. You don't "fall out of love" with someone... you choose to walk away.

- Pastor Carl Lentz, Hillsong NYC.

The truth of this quote moved my heart to the point of tears. I guess I'm just so obsessed with this topic - marriage - that perspectives like this one and several others really affect me. Inspiration... leads to writing.

First of all, I'd like to clarify something. I've had a few people that have read my blog express to me how it sounds like marriage is harder than they thought... how maybe it's something that they don't want to jump into.

Yikes! That comment made me sad & also wanted me to shed a bit of light on where I'm coming from when I write.

In response to these opinions, I'd like to say that yes... MARRIAGE IS HARD. It's one of the most challenging, refining, ugly-discovering things I've ever experienced in my life. YES it is hard and YES it's never something to just "jump into."

However, I like to blog because I like to write. I like to write because I process situations, ideas, events & perspectives BEST through writing. It allows me to sort out the good and bad and to see a clearer picture.

That being said, my blogs will always be just that... stories about the good and bad. I'm not going to sugar-coat it and I'm not going to pretend like my marriage or life in general is perfect because it is very far from it. I'm tired of society raising certain couples on pedestal's of "perfection" only to see them fall into the typical divorce statistic and leave the rest of us wondering... "how could this have happened?"

No. I'm keeping it real here, for my own sake more than others, and I'm hoping that THROUGH the ugliness, THROUGH the struggle, THROUGH the hard times... REDEMPTION, GROWTH, and PERSPECTIVE CHANGE are high-lighted more. My processing usually never dead-ends on a hopeless result, because in Jesus we are never hopeless!

My wish for whoever reads my blog is that they will be able to see the REALITY of marriage - both good and bad, at least from my perspective, to feel HOPE that hey, they aren't the only ones feeling like this after all... and to feel ENCOURAGED to grow and change... from ugly to beautiful.
Because that's what this journey is about... constant changing, growing, learning, seeking.

I'm not the same person I was two years ago when I wore white and walked down an aisle to my new forever... I thank Jesus for that.

That being said, in two years from even NOW, I DON'T want to be the same person I am today. There are still so many struggles, fears, insecurities, desires I want to continue to work through and surrender to Jesus.

2 Peter 3:18A says: 
"But grow in the grace & knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ." 

I love that... grow in the grace... 

So yes. That's what this blog is... a story of growing in grace... a journey to becoming a new, better, and WHOLE person IN Christ & in Him alone.
I PRAY that it will be more encouraging than discouraging... I pray that people who read it will perhaps be able to relate and process through whatever they're struggling with alongside me. That's my hope.

 Ok. Had to get that out there. Back to this incredible quote by Carl Lentz::::

"Falling in love is a myth. Choosing to love is the reality. You don't "fall out of love" with someone... you choose to walk away."

The weight of the truth of that quote was SO huge and is something I believe could completely CHANGE the nasty marriage statistics of today.

I've only been married for two years, but I can see the truth of this quote SO CLEARLY even through the hard times I've experienced in my marriage.

I'm convinced that marriage changes you... and it let's YOU decide which way you're going to change.

It can either make you more selfish, or less selfish.

It can either make you a better communicator, or a worse communicator.

It can either make you grow in faith, or become angry at God.

It can either make you a happy person, or a bitter person.

You choose.

I've had to make those tough decisions already, even this week. We got into somewhat of an ugly squabble, over something dumb and driven by insecurity... (are you as tired of this pattern as I am? If not, read here, here, here and here and maybe then you'll understand how pathetic I can really be...) and again I was faced with the decision of what type of person I want to be.

It's insane when I think about how different my life would be if I weren't married.
I mean, I doubt I would EVER grow, haha.
That's extreme, and I'm sure I would, but NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE have I had such tangible, in my face opportunities to:
1) Act Ugly
2) NOTICE IT. 
3) Decide which way I'm going to go with it.
4) Have the chance to make the right decision... and make it right. 

My friendships in high school hardly ever led me through this process of change.
And if they did, sometimes my pride would get the better of me and convince me to cling to it; stopping at step 3 & deciding that "well, guess I don't need you after all..." this produced maybe more distance or less intimacy in the friendship and sometimes that was fine because GUESS WHAT... I didn't have to crawl into bed with that person and wake up with them the next day for the rest of my life!!

Hello Marriage :)

I believe Step 3 is the stage that, **in most cases, leads to divorce.
What's so amazing/burdensome is that, it's completely in YOUR POWER.
YOU DECIDE. 
Just like Pastor Carl Lentz explains... "falling in love is a myth... choosing to love is the reality."

See, one day you'll wake up and the fuzzy's will be gone and the perfect flawless look you always had when you dated will be gone and the butterflies you get when he sends you a text will be gone and you ALWAYS NEEDING to be in contact with him throughout the whole day will be gone...

And that fresh "fallen in love" feeling you had, that you thought would/should last forever, will most likely be gone.
And Step 3 will maybe be the hardest decision you have to make. 

BUT - when your face to face with Step 3 and you choose:
humility. 
grace. 
compassion.
patience. 
love. 
forgiveness. 
or as my Pastor Andy Stanley says, "believing the best about that person..."

Here's what happens.
You get a deeper, more intimate love than I promise you have EVER experienced in any dating relationship.
I'm telling you, butterflies absolutely pale in comparison.
Because it's made of something REAL.
It's made from a DIFFICULT CHOICE.
It renews HOPE; you guys CAN do this.
It's wrapped in HUMILITY; I will ALWAYS consider you better than myself.
It's wrapped in GRACE; yes I FORGIVE you and I'm not going anywhere.
It's wrapped in TRUTH; til death do us part. 

It's been through the fire & come out stronger than ever.
Day in and Day out. 

THIS LOVE is worth letting go of the butterflies and flawlessness and perfection and silly expectations. 
It's REAL and it LASTS FOREVER. 

Isn't that what we all want anyways? A love that lasts forever.

Wow. I've never really written a blog before that made me cry until right now.
I'm literally typing these words and becoming overwhelmed with emotion because it MAKES SENSE and it TARGETS ME.
I guess I'm blown away by His Grace.
Apart from Jesus we can have NONE of this.
Because apart from Jesus we CAN'T truly love, have humility, show grace... because it doesn't exist outside of Him. 

I don't want a cheap love that works when everything is good and disappears when our TRUE SELVES (ie. the ugly, selfish, terrible souls wrapped in skin) come out.

Because we're human and we're imperfect and with as much as everyone always uses that as an excuse... in marriage, that fact is something easily forgotten.

We will face our "Step 3's" probably every single day for the rest of our lives... many times without warning. 
We'll be face to face in this sudden fight, sometimes out of nowhere, maybe terribly ugly and uncalled for... and we can DECIDE what to do.

You hold that power.
And if you're married, I really encourage you to decide today what type of spouse you are going to be.

CHOOSE to love, CHOOSE to forgive, CHOOSE to believe the best when all things point to the worst.
All these tiny decisions will either lead you to a real, true love that is better than butterflies... or to a divorce court. 
You have the choice. Fight for your marriage.



**I know that there are other reasons that lead to divorce; addiction, unfaithfulness, abuse to name a few... I'm really not trying to dismiss those reasons. The "Step 3" I'm talking about is made much more difficult in those situations, but what I'm referring to is when those aren't present and when instead you have as Dr. Eggerich's says, "two good will people." Just wanted to clarify that! 

:::Tragedy:::

Oh my word.

It's been somewhat of a silent few months for me in the blog world - so much has happened, both amazing things in my life & tragedy in the state I call home. And to think, I thought my last post about the Fire was enough tragedy for one summer...
Last night's shooting in the movie theater at the Batman premier is sickening, heartbreaking news to wake up to. The scene that witnesses have describe is terrifying; I can't even imagine it. I'm weeping with the families who weep over the precious lives that were taken so early, and the poor victims who survived but who's lives have literally been changed forever.

God is a God of love. He holds the world together and He is in control. I'd like to think He knows it's hard being us, He knows it's hard to move from one tragedy to the next. It's hard when we don't understand and we can't seems to make sense of why hatred and darkness could run so deep in a person that he causes pain like this on innocent people.

We don't know his story, though I'm sure we will find out in the coming days. I guess I don't know where I'm going with this post other than to process "outloud" - this tragedy is devastating and though I know God will be glorified through it, I'm praying the Holy Spirit comforts those in mourning in the meantime. He is the ultimate comforter and though I couldn't even BEGIN to imagine this happening in my life, happening to someone I loved, my thoughts today are with the families and friends affected. Praying His peace, love, compassion & healing which is something the world cannot give. Hallelujah.

:::Fire:::

What a weird time of life this is! So much has changed since my last post. We are officially completely out of Texas.... a fact that I'm bittersweet about, much to my surprise.We've seen so much family in the past months it's been an insane blessing. We've upgraded to a nicer home on a bigger base in a state where you're not allowed to pump your own gas. (???) And recently, much to my heartbreak, the state I love is on fire. Literally.

With the huge move and the change of scenery and the millions of boxes to unpack and the meeting&greeting of new friendly neighbors, it's been hard to really sit down and deeply think about stuff. Or be inspired by anything in general.

This current tragedy, however, has really in a way suddenly jolted my heart to a stopping point. Seeing these pictures of the flames & destruction of neighborhoods I have frequented & mountains I've hiked & the city I've loved - all from a distance of hundreds of miles away - makes you feel hopeless and frantic and a whole lot of things that don't really look like trusting Jesus at all.

Though I don't have time to express much - something I'm hoping for maybe later on this month as things settle down - I must say that in the midst of this tragedy which is legitimately terrifying and life-threatening and hopeless, there is hope. I'm reminded of that as I pace around my home with tears streaming down my face, constantly checking my twitter/fb newsfeed for updates and horrifying pictures. It hurts. It's scary. But in the midst of it, I just want to be anchored to what I KNOW which is so much bigger than what I SEE.

I love Chris Tomlin's lyrics as it pertains to this... "when my faith shall be my eyes..." :::
It's so stupidly easy to see the picture right in front of you and forget how big God is.
He saw this fire coming & can probably blow the whole thing out with the wind of one of His blink's... imagine that.

He holds it all together. His big picture is better than my puzzle piece and I'm hoping to remember this BETTER next time a crisis like this or even not like this occurs in my life.

That is all. Hopefully more soon because I do miss sitting and pondering through the etches of a keyboard.

::The End of Your Rope::

“You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope.

With less of you, there is more of God and His rule.”

~ Matt 5:3 MSG

During these past couple years of my life, the ones where I’ve had the title of “wife,” I’ve often times felt like I was at the “end of my rope.” Emotionally, physically, spiritually (perhaps the most painful…) you name it.

Marriage will tend to do that to you, I’ve noticed, magnify the ugly & show you the parts of your heart that are prime for redemption.

In fact, sometimes when I’ve been emotionally drained, I’d tell my husband, “Uh oh… baby, I’m at the end of my rope.” (I tell him this in baby voice, of course, cuz that’s what you do when you’re married.)

He laughs & smiles (because I think he really adores my baby voice) and wraps his big arms around me and says something like, “Oh no! You’re at the end of your rope? Well then you can have mine.”

The beautiful part of marriage is just that – I’m weak, he’s strong. I’m ugly, he’s grace-filled. I fall, he picks me back up. I’m “out of rope,” & gives me some of his…

and vice-versa.

ALWAYS.

Giving, taking, giving, taking.

Fulfilling needs & encouraging growth.

Back & forth.

Like we’re one flesh instead of two… what an idea.

See, when you have “two good willed people” (as Emerson Eggerich clarifies from his famous book “Love & Respect,”) things like STRENGTH, UNITY, GRACE, PATIENCE, and COMPASSION get magnified IN THE FACE OF all the ugly things you start to realize about yourself.

It’s not just negative with no positive… when two good willed people are involved, it CAN be a FANTASTIC OUTCOME in the face of negative situations. (HUGE WIN.)

I used to strongly dislike the verse above… I HATE the feeling of being at the end of my rope. I HATE the feeling of hopelessness, whether it’s due to a tough situation or due to self-loathing because of reactions stemmed from fear and insecurity… ugh I’d beat myself up about things probably too too often.

But when I recently read this verse, especially in the Message version, I couldn’t help but feel how true it is now for my life, not just tangibly with my husband, but also in the ways that are “less tangible” in relation to God.

I can now see how the moments where I felt insane/at the end of my rope have resulted in blessing for me.

If I hadn’t gotten married, all this UGLY would’ve just BEEN in me & STAYED & swelled inside my heart. I would’ve just kept living my life & probably wouldn’t have even known the terrible condition it was in.

But NOPE – marriage doesn’t leave you “as you are.”

It brings you face to face with your pride & selfishness, a fire refining... and if you choose to take the self-hatred & shameful route like I did, you will often times be SO SICK AND TIRED of CONSTANTLY making promises & failing to meet them.

Examples:

“I’m sorry I said that, I promise I won’t say that again.” – FAILED.

“I’m sorry I didn’t believe the best about you, I promise I will next time.” – FAILED.

“I’m sorry I didn’t trust you in this situation, I promise I will trust you next time.” – FAILED.

“I’m sorry reacted in that way, I promise I won’t react like that next time.” – FAILED.

Then, when all those FAILED promises hit me square in my face, I started to hate myself.

I felt powerless & like I wouldn’t be able to change from the ugly, crazy me.

Started to be so angry at myself, started doubting I would ever change, started believing the lie that my husband deserved better & maybe I should just leave so he could FIND someone better because he honestly DESERVED BETTER than this terrible treatment & these failed promises…

:( Shame. Guilt. End of my rope.

“You are blessed when you’re at the end of your rope…” because when I’m face to face with my failures, I have two options:

1) Hate yourself because you’re a failure & that’s all you’ll ever be.

2) Recognize your neediness, repent, shut out lies &

trust that your spouse was hand-picked for those exact moments…. grace.

FROM HIM. Grace & more room for HIS RULE.

In the first part of our marriage, in the midst of a failed promise, I picked option 1 EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

But thankfully, God gave Billy supernatural powers: PATIENCE with his emotionally insane wife, GRACE to forgive my failed promises & unconditional LOVE to hold me right after I had said or done something that had broken his heart. Amazing.

AND, after the constant patience, grace, and love I was shown despite my failures… My King started leading my heart to choose option 2 in the midst of ugly reactions & shame more & more… let’s just say we’ve come a long way from those painful, ugly days.

So today.

We got into a bit of a squabble this morning.

It wasn’t over something necessarily unimportant, but of course I didn’t exactly instigate the discussion in the most positive, mature way.

I felt angry, probably mostly due to insecurity, and being the passionate person that I am… those angry emotions swelled up inside of me & I felt like a volcano was about to erupt, with my mind & my SENSE trying desperately to plug it before the mess.

But I’m not at a good enough place (YET) to allow my volcanic emotions to swell and simply let them exist WITHOUT HIM KNOWING ABOUT THEM!

If I’m angry, he’s DEFINITELY GOING TO KNOW IT dang it!

(Still a work in progress…) :)

Anyways, I said some things to let him know I was upset, but was trying so very hard to keep a reign on my tongue – something I really had NOT been able to do at ALL in the beginning.

But I did, just kept my mouth shut from further damage, hopped in the shower & prayed about what I was going to say & how I was going to address the situation, role-playing conversations in my mind.

(I'm notorious for speaking my mind, without the slightest care as to what I say/how I say it… making sure my point gets across in probably the most hurtful way possible. So the real question is… why did he marry me again??)

Got out of the shower, I could tell he was pissed from my earlier sudden reaction, so we kind of co-mingled in angry silence for a minute around the bedroom as I got dressed for work.

Angry silence is a step up for us… it’s better than eruptions, better than explosions… grace. Progress. Thanks Lord.

Finally we break for the kitchen for breakfast… still no words are spoken. (we can be a couple of stubborn asses, I tell you.)

I initiate resolution… also an improvement.

Because typically, whenever something happens that’s NOT my fault (rare), my pride LOVES taking its (too familiar) place in my heart & reminds me that it’s HIS fault; “HE knows I’m angry, he knows HE messed up this time… the ball is in his court to fix it.”

But not today… I initiate. Grace… progress.

The script I had practiced in my head in the shower comes out… trying to implement all the effective communication rules we’ve learned in our Love & Respect Bible Study recently, ie:

“When you do ____ I feel ____.”

OK – in those grace-filled moments where I have time to actually THINK about my words before they spill out into a huge giant mess of regret, I try to enforce some rules.

RULES:

1) NO disrespectful words or tone.

2) NO hateful words.

3) NO hysterical emotional vomit.

4) NO expecting him to read my mind…

communicate my feelings/concerns clearly & completely.

5) NO permanent words… ie. “You NEVER do this, you ALWAYS do that”

– those aren’t true so don’t be drama.

6) Believe the best about him, period. And when possible, communicate that to him.

So I’ve grown & am now at a place where I try my best to INPUT these rules (that previously did NOT exist in our arguments.)

He hears me, his heart softens just a little, though he is still upset.

See when it comes to my man… he’s PERFECT but he’s not, & he has his own issues to work out as well, & I pray for grace to understand that… especially since he’s given me so much grace already.

So we’re here & we talk & I share my points in the best way I can & he listens & slowly gives in but is still upset & claims that I’m talking to him like a child & my tears come because I’m trying so hard to avoid just THAT, trying so hard to keep to my “rules” & to be as respectful as my emotions will allow, & then… HE SEES THAT & completely softens.

He takes my hand & looks into my eyes & tells me the genuine appreciation he has for me, how he recognizes how far I’ve come from the dark days & how well I’ve handled my emotions in this & that he appreciates the way God made me, as a passionate woman, that he wouldn’t change a thing about me & he loves to see how I’m trying so very hard to CHANGE the ugly reaction that is so AUTO-PILOT for me.

GRACE.

We hop in the car & he continues his kind, genuine words. He is so sensible & level-headed & patient & God KNOWS I don’t deserve it but gives me a man like that anyways.

It’s a gift, really, and I want to always, as best I can, protect those traits in him… the GIFT that is given THROUGH Him… to see the grace he gives & as a wife, TREASURE it, not nag it away or criticize it to death or argue it numb.

*WORD TO THE WIVES*

You married your man because you obviously loved him & saw the good in him.

Don’t be a wife that destroys that precious, patient part of him.

Don’t nag. Don’t criticize. Don’t treat him or talk to him like a child.

Don’t make fun of him, especially in front of other people.

Don’t always have to be the one that’s RIGHT.

Don’t embarrass him. Build him up. Be patient when his brain doesn’t work straight.

Encourage him & RESPECT him, talk about his GOOD traits, even in front of other people.

PROTECT the part of him you love so much, don’t make him feel like that’s not important…

or else I’m sure one day he’ll get fed UP with your nagging, your criticizing, your bossing him around and making him feel like a child & then when that happens, my bet is… he’ll stop showing you the loving, patient side of him that you adore. Because apparently that part isn’t good enough for you anymore…

DON’T LET THAT HAPPEN!

PROTECT that, don’t destroy it!!!

(I’m in no way a perfect example of these things but I feel like they’re something I’ve seen too often in marriages & I wanted to vent!!!)

{{Bunny trail: over.}}

So yes, we’re in the car driving to work & hands are held & tears are shed & anger is gone & forgiveness is expressed & the things we love most about each other come SPILLING out & we build each other up & this is true:

grace + loving actions = loving FEELINGS.

(always? Pretty much always.)

And as we’ve all experienced at one time or another… loving FEELINGS are always so nice. :)

He smiles at me and says, “we’re a good team.” :) We ARE a team, a WORK-IN-PROGRESS team but we’re SEEING THE POSITIVE CHANGE & we BELIEVE God hand-picked us for each other to lead our (future) family & most of the time, we can SEE the amazing team that we are… in the RESOLUTIONS.

Those moments of feeling at the end of my rope were there & they were where I lived for so long… but as soon as I chose to believe option 2 about myself instead of option 1 – I allowed CHANGE. I allowed GRACE.

I went from believing that I could never change to believing that, in those moments of heated emotions and intense anger, I HAD control. I COULD think clearly. I COULD succeed in this one. I CAN grow.

“You’re blessed… because with less of you, there is more of God & His rule.”

I’m grateful I have a tangible reminder in my husband that “the end of my rope” was not a permanent place for me.

Not only would he not allow that, a battle he faced & a story that’s his to tell… but he also believed better FOR me.

I’m grateful I have a man to keep repeating truth to me… like a broken record blasting in a small room where a deaf person sits… he kept repeating, despite my many failed attempts.

“No, I don’t want anyone else… it’s ok, I forgive you… I love the way God made you… you can do this, we’ll get through this… stop it, I’m not going anywhere.”

I’m grateful that at the end of my rope, it’s not the end.

God CAN change a heart.

God CAN & DOES make things new.

God CAN rule when there’s less of you.

The fact that God said you’re BLESSED when you’re at the end of your rope isn’t just a pretty idea with no power behind it.

“End of rope” to me, signifies ENDING and HOPELESSNESS… but don’t you see?

God’s offering you a way out, and the master game plan has very little to do with what you have to offer as “good.”

So if you’re at the end of your rope – BE BLESSED. Allow more of HIS RULE in your heart, in your marriage, in your dreams & realities.

Less of you = More of HIM & that’s ALWAYS the better deal.

:::How They Know:::

It’s not a t-shirt.

It’s not blasting a worship song in your car.

It’s not a favorite CD.

It’s not a necklace or bracelet.

It’s not a good tweet or FB Status.

It’s not never watching a rated R movie.

It’s not avoiding drinking.

It’s not a bumper sticker.

It’s not saving yourself for marriage.

It’s not knowing the books of the Bible by heart.

It’s not joining a club.

It’s not being able to win an argument.

It’s not not cussing.

It’s not a church membership.

It’s not being better than other people.

It’s not sitting in the front row at church.

It’s not a tattoo.

It’s not tithing.

It’s not raising your hands to worship.

It’s not a song you wrote.

What is it then??

“THIS is how the world will know you are my Disciples…”

John 13:35 is rocking my world these days. My pastor, Andy Stanley, is doing a sermon series on “Christian” – it’s been very enlightening & encouraging to say the least.

That list above was sort of hard to write. John 13:35 essentially crushes that list in its entirety in the way it relates to my heart… for example, as I made the list, sometimes my prideful self wanted to defend the points: “Well… if I DO cuss, how on earth will the world know I’m His follower? Jesus followers shouldn’t cuss. Or watch rated R movies. Or sleep around.”

Cue inward disagreement; apparently this is the argument that can really divide the church… I see it in my own thought process of it all.

Tim Keller tweeted something SO fitting today that got me thinking about this whole thing in the first place.

He said, “You are saved by faith, not fruit. But you'll never be saved by fruitless faith. Real faith will inevitably lead to growth.”

YES.

So, here’s my understanding of it all. And it’s a little hard for me to wrap my head around, which is why He’s God & I’m not, but bear with me as I piece this mess together.

What saves you, is your Faith. REAL Faith. Which will bear FRUIT – of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. So FAITH saves & FAITH changes & FAITH bears fruit & it’s so apart separated your righteous works, which is a good thing because as it says in Matthew, “unless your righteous exceeds that of the Pharisees you will not be able to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” And again, as Ephesians expresses… NOT WORKS, just Faith. So you can’t boast.

Besides, your “righteous deeds” (aka not cussing, not sleeping around, not watching Rated R movies, not doing drugs, etc.) are still considered FILTHY RAGS in comparison to the Lord’s Righteousness. So… faith is your anchor & faith is your Righteousness because of Christ’s death on the cross INSTEAD of you. Sigh of relief.

BUT HERE’S WHAT’S SO STICKY.

The most tangible thing for society to grasp & wrap “religion” around is a system of morality. Whether you’re a “man or woman of faith” or not, each person, even atheists have a moral compass they try to balance their life around.

Now faith, REAL faith, probably is closely tied to repentance & full dependence on Him and looks NOTHING like what most religious folk try to mask themselves with today.

It’s not being in church every Sunday & having the bumper stickers & t-shirts & raising your hands during worship.

It’s a matter of the heart, which can only be humble once you truly grasp you in comparison to what he’s done for you… it’s recognizing that your BEST is still only a filthy rag (aka the rag that the women used between their legs to stop the flow of a period back in the Bible times… THAT rag… aka tampon or pad… I know that’s gross, but in reality our “righteous deeds” are that gross so I had to share.) & that your ONLY good is to be so solely dependent on Him, so full of FAITH in His grace and once in THAT state of heart you can’t HELP but produce fruit.

As explained in the story of Christ’s last miracle before He died, Ann Voskamp words it best (as always…)

“He inspects our lives for more than intentions; He intends for intimacy.

He searches the limbs not for leaves — not leaving for conferences or for meetings or for front seats. He looks along the the leaves for the love.”

WHICH wraps me RIGHT back around to John 13:35… so many times I have seen, even in my own heart, that I cling too tightly to my works & my “righteousness” and depend on myself to not mess-up.

I believe what my Pastor Andy Stanley has been preaching, that FRUIT, those GOOD DEEDS need to be something that come from a heart fully alive in Him… not as a means TO Salvation but as a response to the already OBTAINED Salvation!!

It’s so much less about morality & behavior and so COMPLETELY about Him taking my place & living out a life to PLEASE Him & DRAW people to HIM, NOT through a moral compass or list of do’s & don’ts, but through…

“HOW YOU LOVE ONE ANOTHER.”

So yes. It’s about recognizing your NEED for Christ, surrendering your will to Him daily, and as my friend Danny Dyer said, “Love the sinner, hate your OWN sin.”

HOW WILL THE WORLD KNOW WE ARE HIS DISCIPLES??

It’s not about any of that crap up there, it’s not about being perfect. It’s how we love THEM. Laying down our lives for them… serving them… also, it’s the furthest thing from judging – you only need to judge your own heart & your own motives & your own actions & when you do that, do it with grace because He gave it to you.

The world will KNOW we are His Disciples by the way we love one another.

Stand on that, cling to that, conform to that & don’t ever stop renewing your heart FOR that. Guard your heart TO love (verb tense), always & unconditionally because guess what… that’s how much you’re loved.