:::Ring Dance 2009 <3:::

Here are some pictures from our weekend!!

We had an awesome time at the ceremony.
Billy got his class ring!!! Awesome!!! :)

****** Here are some pre-Billy arriving pictures..... I loved my dress:) :::::

**** My Handsome Prince finally arrives.... and sees me for the first time in my dress!!! :)

I think he liked it.... :)

****** Typical Prom pictures.... :)

Awkward Prom Picture:)

***** Pictures with the Family :) ::::::

*******At the Air Force Academy!! Pictures with friends::::

*****Just the two of us.... :::::

**** In Mitchell Hall... meeting up with the group before the dinner starts!!! ::::

**** Time for the Ceremony::::

*** Ring Dance Tradition: At the beginning of the dinner, the AOC's of each squad give the Class Rings to the DATES of each cadet, and the dates are supposed to hold the ring and the Cadets aren't allowed to see the ring until the END of the Ceremony... after the ring exchange:)

So... here's me holding the ring.... keeping it from Billy who really wants to see it!! :)

The Exchange:

At the end of the dinner, there is a little event called the ring exchange. This is where the date takes out the ring, puts it in a glass of champagne, she then drinks the champagne with the ring ending up in her mouth, then must proceed to kiss the cadet and exchange the ring that way!! Ha it is so much fun as you can imagine:)

Step 1: Put the ring in the glass.

Step 2: Pose. Then Toast.

Step 3: Drink the champagne and get the ring in your mouth.

Step 4: The Exchange:)

Step 5: Slip the ring on the Cadets finger:)

Good job baby!!! I'm so proud of you!!! :)

********After the ceremony... walking to Arnold Hall for cake-cutting and the dance party!!! It was pouring rain:)

*****At Arnold Hall for the dance and the cake cutting... the cake was huge!!!

*** After the dance... the limo ride to Breckenridge:::

In Breck, at the nicest restaurant I've ever eaten at:)

:::Purity:::

Uh oh... the big P word:)
Purity.

Facts first::
-noun
1. The condition or quality of being pure
2. Freedom from anything that debases, contaminates, pollutes.
3. Freedom from any mixture or modifying addition.
4. Freedom from sin or guilt of envy; innocence;
5. Pysical chastity; virginity
6. Freedom from foreign or inappropriate elements
7. The chroma, saturation, or degree of freedom from white of a given color
8. Cleanness or spotlessness.

I'm at a point in my life where the definition of purity seems to be in more of a gray area than it ever has been before. In the past 6 months, even during my time at YWAM, doubts of what purity means, looks like, or should be, have come up in my mind and warred greatly within my heart and against my conscience.

The question was asked to me by one of my best friends in early December while we were in the middle of a heated argument, and it has stuck with me since.

What is purity?

Go to Dictonary.com and you'll find the definitions I gave above. And no doubt, those definitions are very intense and heavy. There isn't too much room for question within those definitions: Clean, spotless, virginity, FREEDOM.
Gosh that word Freedom pops up everywhere.... as it should! Everybody wants to be free. But it's the question of free FOR what, and free FROM what.

Ahhh.... this topic will be for another blog I suppose:) Back to my thoughts about purity.

I recently started a new job working at the front desk of a hotel... so far... I LOVE it. It's so fun and I love people and I think customer service is so great so I'm enjoying it very much. However, there is a huge flatscreen TV on the opposite side of the lobby from me and it is highly encouraged for us to leave the TV playing News Channels.... which, I dunno if you've watched the news lately... but it is DEPRESSING. Kids are abducted left and right, families murdered, Swine-flu deaths, Craiglists killers... ahh. It's so sad. The world needs Jesus. :(

But anyways, one of the heated discussions they recently had on HLN news was the debate of Sexual purity. Bristow Palin, daughter of Governor Sarah Palin, made quite an appearance on the news this past week. One of the big scandals during the Presidential election was the fact that Sarah Palin's oldest daughter, Bristow, was pregnant out of wedlock. Well now, she has a four month old son named Skip with her boyfriend and she wanted to be an advocate for abstinence. Of course, the media tore her apart. They asked if she thinks she has a right to say anything about abstinence, especially in light of the hipocrisy of her present situation. She said regardless of what she's done, she knows that Abstinence is the best way to go because it guarantees the chances of not having an STD or unwanted pregnancy.

They invited three "experts" to come discuss this topic on the news station, and what one woman said just completely broke my heart.
"Asking teenagers to practice abstinence is unrealistic. More than 95% of teenagers are already sexually active, and so based on those statistics, abstinence basically no longer exists so we should no longer be teaching it to our young adults... there's no need!! Abstinence is no longer anything to be thought about, it is an extremely unrealistic method that is practically impossible for our teenagers, and therefore we should be promoting methods of safe sex to avoid STD's and unwanted pregnancies."

And... my hearts breaks. :( I can't believe I live in a time where the media makes bold statements like "Abstinence is nearly impossible and therefore is no longer relevant to this generation."
What are we, animals?? So what decides right vs. wrong? Mass percentage of a population? So, when the majority of a group of people give in to their lustful desires and throw values such as self-control, self-worth, and dignity out the window, we just have to go along with them and we change whats right and wrong? Since when has right and wrong been subjective? Since we are we allowing the media, or majority of people, determine whats right and wrong when it comes to premarital sex? Has our generation become so dilluted to evil, to sin, to the world, that we no longer have a conscience?

I just wanted to scream at the TV... "HELLO!! DO YOU REALIZE THAT THE REASON WHY THE 95% OF TEENAGERS ARE ALREADY SEXUALLY ACTIVE IS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU GUYS ARE PROMOTING!!! Every TV show, every movie, every COMMERCIAL, every magazine, every News Programs, advertises some type of fornication; a couple living together before they get married, multiple sex partners, personal sexual preference. You can have what you want, WHEN you want it, how you want it, no matter what it costs!! If it feels good, do it. Forget about values. Forget responsibility. And most of all, don't you dare judge me. I live in the land of the free, and I'm free to do as I please. If I think its right and I feel OK about it, it's right. HELLO MEDIA. Congratulations, you get the blame for this one."

One of the bonuses of my new job is that I have a lot of down time... to read:)
Right now, I'm re-reading one of my favorite books of all time by Elisabeth Elliot called "Passion & Purity."
Oh my GOSH it's really wrecking my heart. The rest of the blog will be some quotes I get from the book.... if you haven't read it yet you should. I long to be back at this place, desiring Jesus above all other fleshly desires. I hope these quotes mess with your heart as much as they did with mine.... and leave you longing for the extraordinary life with Jesus.

"Somehow, we've gotten the idea that we can forget all the regulations and get away with it. Times have changed, we say. We're 'Liberated' at last from our inhibitions. We have Sex and the Single Girl now. We have freedom. We can, in fact, "have it all and not get hooked.' Women can be predators if they want to, as well as men. Men aren't men unless they've proved it by seducing as any women as possible-or as many men, for we may now choose according to "sexual preference." We can go to bed with those of the opposite sex or those of our own. It doesn't matter. A mere question of taste, and we all have a "right" to our tastes. Everybody's equal. Everybody is free. Nobody is hung up anymore or needs to deny himself anything. In fact, nobody ought to deny himself anything he wants badly-- it's dangerous. It's unhealthy. It's sick. If it feels good and you don't do it, you're paranoid. If it doesn't feel good and you do it, you're a masochist."

"What do women want today? What do men want? I mean, deep down. what do they really want? If "times" have changed, have human longings changed, too? How about principles? Have Christian principles changed?
I say no to the last three question, an emphatic no. I am convinced that the human heart hungers for constancy. In forfeiting the sanctity of sex by casual, nondiscriminatory "making out" and "sleeping around," we forfeit something we cannot well do without. There is dullness, monotony, sheer boredom in all of life when virginity and purity are no longer protected and prized. By trying to grab fulfillment everywhere, we find it nowhere."

"Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have no begun to understand, let alone to accept, His lordship. The Cross, as it enteres the love life, will reveal the heart's truth."

"One morning I was reading the story of Jesus' feeding of the 5000. The disciples could find only five loaves of bread and two fishes. "Let me have them," said Jesus. He asked for all. He took them, said the blessing, and broke them before He gave them out. I remembered what a chapel speaker, Ruth Stull of Peru, had said: "If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad."

"The Lord told King David to set up an altar on the threshing floor that belonged to Araunah the Jebusite. When the king asked Araunah if he might buy it, Araunah begged him to take it, as a gift, along with his oxen for an offereing and the threshing sledges for fuel. "No," said King David, "... I will not offer to the Lord my God whole-offerings that have cost me nothing..."
Lord, I said, here's my heart."

"There are over a million pregnancies per year among unmarried girls under twenty... What they want they take, any way they can get it.... It would be foolish to deny that there are some pleasures along that road. There is plenty of what people call fun. There are thrills, gratifications, "experiences." -- A road may seem straightforward to a man, yet may end as the way to death. Even in laughter the heart may grieve, and mirth may end in sorrow. -- There is another way: to love what God commands and desire what He promises. It can't be found except through prayer and obedience. It cuts quite across the other way, takes us where things are not at the mercy of changing fashions and opinions. It is a place where a man's heart may safely rest-- and a womans' heart, too."

"Waiting silently is the hardest thing of all... But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God."


"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord? Aren't they given to us to offer? It is the control of passion, not it's eradication, that is needed. How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we have nothing to submit?"

"If you love someone, there are many things you will do for that person because you love him -- not because it's what you'd prefer if love did not enter the picture. The fact is, love has entered the picture. Therefore, in your heart, you can be very honest when you tell prefer to do what He wants, because, more than your own pleasure, you want His."

"When obedience to God contradicts what I think will give me pleasure, let me ask myself if I love Him. If I can say yes to that questioncan't I say yes to pleasing Him? Can't I say yes even if it means a sacrifice? A little quiet reflection will remind me that yes to God ALWAYS leads in the end to joy. We can absolutely bank on that."

"Jesus loves me, this I know -- not because He does just what I'd like, but because the Bible tells me so. Calvary proves it. He loved me and gave Himself for me."

"The effect of my troubles depends not on the nature of the troubles themselves but on how I receive them. I can receive them with both hands in faith and acceptance, or I can rebel and reject. What they produce if I rebel and reject will be something very different froma mature character, something nobody is going to like.
Look at the choices
rebellion - if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn't love me.
rejection - if this is what God is giving me, I won't have any part of it.
faith - God knows exactly what He's doing.
acceptance - Heloves me; He plans good things for me; I'll take it."

"The words "full of joy here and now" depend ont he words "taken in the right spirit." You cant have one without the other. Take ina spirit of trust, een loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and theat hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope."

:::Thoughts for the day:::

On my heart today:::

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." - (Eph. 2:10)



"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warface are not of the flesh, but instead have divine power to destory strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ." - (2 Corin. 10:3-5)

:::Passions:::

The weather is GORGEOUS outside.
Sunshine:) I love it.
Colorado is the best state... during the summer. (When there is no snow). It's so beautiful and refreshing. You wake up and smell the fresh, mountain air and it's seriously so amazing. I'm so blessed to live here.

Life is awesome right now. I just got a new job that I think I'm really gonna like... I'm excited! My family is doing wonderfully... growing up really fast and it's crazy to watch. Jesus is still very alive (haha... I almost say that as if it's a surprise...) and moving a lot in my heart. My friends are ok... probably the biggest struggle in my life right now. But there are still people in my life... all who happen to be oversees/outside the USA at the moment.... (aka Canada, Norway, Australia, Hawaii...) who are still such dear friends of mine and so close to my heart, supporting me and loving me and I'm so grateful for them!! My boyfriend is nothing short of absolutely amazing and loves me so well, he's incredible. He just found out his job in the Air Force... to be a pilot!! His dream for a long time!! I'm so happy for him and so proud of him!! So life is great there.

I'm recovering rather well from my culture shock stage... getting my feet back on the ground and getting my heart set once again fully on my King. He's so gentle and patient with me though, I'm so so grateful and so undeserving. I went to my mentor's house on Sat. night, and her husband led my boyfriend and I through a Bible study through Romans which was awesome... her husband is an anointed teacher and I'm SO BLESSED to have people like them in my life!! Life is so good!!

To be honest though, my heart is still kinda restless. I was praying today as I drove to work for God to ignite a fire in me again... I want Him to awaken dreams and visions in my heart. I want to be passionate about something. Seeing my boyfriend find out he was going to be a pilot yesterday, a dream of his since he was a boy, was SO awesome to watch... it brought me to tears!! But it also made me realize how I don't really have something like that in my life... like a dream to pursue or something to be passionate about.

I really want that again in my heart. I want a dream, an ambition, a goal to pursue, something to be passionate about. But more than anything I want it to be completely God-given; I want to walk 100% in His will and I want my dreams to line up with His for my life.

So, that's kind of where I'm at right now. Establishing my relationship and pursuit of the Lord on more than just fleeting emotions; praying and trying to find out my hearts greatest desires and dreams.
Yes there are things I love; little goals here and there that I want to achieve in my life. I love to travel. I love to read and write. I love to type... blogs, stories, etc. I love being outside. I love people. I love masses of people gathered together in one place worshipping the Creator of the Universe. I love seeing young people with hearts established and consecrated to the Lord. Ahh.... that, that right there, makes my heart so complete and happy:)
But I'm almost in a sense talking about something tangible; something that can have more immediate results in my life. I'm tired of wasting my time working a job that I'm far from passionate about; I want to find my niche in life and pursue it, and affect people, and cause change. I want to impact people's lives and have dreams that seem impossible...

Someone said something during my time in YWAM. They said, "God is a God of the impossible. If everything you're doing in your life is attainable and very possible to achieve, pray for God to give you dreams that are greater. Dream dreams that seem impossible... because that's the kind of God we serve."

I love that. I want to live a life of faith; solely dependent on the one true living God. So many people assume that narrows my options down to just being a long-term missionary, but I disagree. My mentor's husband that I mentioned earlier, the one who led the Bible study through Romans, is a man who breaks that stereotype 100x over. He's not a long-term missionary; he lives a "regular" life like I do, with a "regular" family of 6, and "regular" job as HR of State Farmers Insurance. BUT. He's different than anyone else because He's led 100% by the Spirit of God. Whether that's decisions he makes in the workplace, or in his family, He's constantly walking in the Spirit and living a life full of divine appointments left and right:) He proves that life as a Christian should NEVER be boring!! Not when you're being led by the Spirit. Coooooooool!

So yeah. Anyways. That's a wrap. There's the blog... written more for me than anything, but I appreciate you being a part of my process as well. This is where I'm at::: Praying for dreams and passions to awaken in my heart... Trusting in the Lord to bring some that will glorify His name above anything else. Resting in that fact... ahh I love the peace that Jesus alone brings. So different and opposite of the world... and so fulfilling as a result. Pray for me too if you think about it:)

Immediate Goals:
- Get lost in a really good book... or rather a couple... read 2 books a month.
- Hit the gym once a day... (get ready for bathing suit season! Ha:)
- Stop eating chocolate... for atleast a month. (ahh... nearly impossible. But as I said before... God is a God of the impossible! He'll give me strength... I hope.)
- Re-read the Gospels. (Excercise for both my body and my heart. SO needed)
- Wake up by 8:30 am every morning.
- Brainstorm more goals.


Oh... P.S....
Happy 10 months my love!!!! :) I love you... <3

:::Friend from afar:::

You know those people that come into your life... where you can't help but fall in love with Jesus everytime you talk to them?



Meet my friend, Brit Chaney.

Brit and I have an interesting story. I've never actually met her in person. Strange. I heard about her through a mutual friend about a year ago, when I expressed to this girl (Erin Conner) that I was going to do YWAM in Hawaii. Erin told me about her friend, Brit, who was currently in MAUI, staffing for a YWAM school down there. So I found Brit on the F-book... (major props) and messaged her and asked her if she could tell me a little more about YWAM and Hawaii and how the next 6 months were gonna be. She messaged me back with nothing but a phone number and told me to call her cuz she would love to chat. And BOY did we:)



She has played a HUGE role in my life the last year as far as YWAM goes, and even in every day life situations. She has a passion and deep LOVE for Jesus unlike any I've ever seen in my entire life, it's incredible really. I wish I could introduce her and have her talk to every single person in my life. She will leave you with a heart that loves Jesus more, or one that wants to know about this MAN THAT HAS COMPLETELY STOLEN THE HEART OF THIS GIRL.
Ahhh.... so refreshing.

Praise Jesus for my friend Brit Chaney. I'm so grateful. :)

:::Again & again & again:::

The past week has been a very interesting one. God's been doing some pretty sweet (that's "sweet" as in, really cute, gentle, sweetheart type stuff) in my life lately.

Sunday I got home from my trip to Atlanta and Florida with my man to visit his family... talk about a FUN time!!! We had a blast, surprised his parents and brother and sister... (they didn't know we were making a stop in Atlanta!) and then took a 9 hour road trip down to Bonita Springs, Florida, where we stayed with his grandparents in their BEAUTIFUL home the rest of the week... making a couple day visits at the beach of course:) It was SO NICE!!! That was a very much needed week... Bill and I got to spend a lot of good quality time together and it was such a treat:)

God started tugging on my heart while I was IN Atlanta. I went to his younger sister's Senior High service at their church, and oh my gosh it was amazing. The Holy Spirit was there in every way... from the awesome worship (led by Bill's younger sisters boyfriend, Nick, who is SO cool and so in love with Jesus!) to the sermon, which was such an intense, powerful sermon about the Holy Spirit and how we shouldn't become complacent in our walk with Christ and we need to RUN after Him with everything we have!! (A sermon I really needed to hear.)

THEN... a couple days later... Bill surprised me with a special guest at our random lunch date at Moe's.... his mentor Matt Miller! We ate our little burritos and started talking with Matt, who is such a great guy. Our conversation lasted for about 3 hours, and consisted of Matt mentoring Bill and I and giving us awesome, Godly advice for our relationship. It was a mini-taste of pre-engagement counseling:) I loved every minute of it!!! God used that time to tug on my heart as well.... He apparently really wants me back!

Anyways, the transition back into real life.... Bill being insanely busy with schoolwork and me working 35+ hours a week.... has been a difficult one. My life has been so full of transitions ever since coming back from DTS, it's crazy. I feel like I haven't had any chance to stop, relax, and spend time with JUST my Jesus... and to be honest that fact alone is having more of a negative effect on me than I think I even realize.

I went to Revival Town, the service on Tuesday nights at my church, and it was awesome. I walked into the service to the song "He Loves Us...." a song that's invaded my life since last summer and hasn't left. It was awesome. I worshipped God for a little bit... something I haven't done in quite a while unfortunately.... then caught a glimpse of my incredible cousin, Nico, and asked him to pray for me. Nico's 2 days older than me and has always had such a special place in my heart. Anyways, with the authority he has in Christ, he prayed for me and over me and just really encouraged my heart. It was just what I needed. Thank Jesus for the incredible people He's made:)

That was Tuesday night... so refreshing. My cousin flew in last night... and she's recently come back to Jesus after living the past 22 years of her life her own way, and boy is she on FIRE!!! Ahhh... such a blessing!!! In the midst of my crazy, complacent, somewhat depressing week, Jesus sends me a little spark He's started in my cousin and it's so incredibly encouraging and so inspiring!! I stayed up talking with her and my mom until 3 in the morning... (bad idea when I had to be at work today at 8 am...) but we just talked about Jesus and about what He's been doing in her life and about faith... oh my gosh.... touched my heart so much!!

I miss being surrounded and having a solid group of friends that are all in love with Jesus... to the point where He's all we talk about, all we want, all we feed on in our lives. Coming back from DTS has been hard in different ways. I've in a sense lost my good, solid friends who were in love with Jesus as much as I was and pushed me closer to Him. Life happened, relationships happened, "busyness" happened.... and now it's gone. I miss having friends who I could just stay up all night with talking about Jesus.

I experienced that a little bit last night again with my cousin! The realization that I've been missing that for so long broke my heart. :( I hate where I'm at right now. I miss the days in high school where I had one love and one love only and my hearts desire was chasing after Him.

I want to be back there. And I will. God wants me back!! :)

There are several things I've learned from the old days at _tag... (the glory days.) One is this: You hunger for what you feed on.
That's something that I need to really grasp in my life right now. I've been feeding on work, relationships, facebook lol. Anything and everything but my relationship with Jesus... so obviously by not feeding on it, I'm not hungering and desiring it!! Ohhhh but believe me, I am. I want Him so badly!


My cousin said something last night that was incredible to me: "You can't meet Jesus and have a relationship with Him and NOT be a radical, fanatic, etc. It's impossible. When you truly meet Him, and have a growing relationship with Him, you will want nothing less. Lukewarm Christianity is a joke and a waste of time. People are selfish and try to develop their own Christianity, regardless of what scripture says, but it's right there for you to read. You need to either be all in, or all out."

Amazing. My life since YWAM has been lukewarm. I don't want to get spit out of God's mouth. I want to live my life abundantly here while I'm on the earth... and that can only happen to the extent that I'm plugged into my Jesus. I want to walk with Him. I want to have a radical prayer life. I want to be addicted and feed off of the Word. I want to worship Him in the Spirit! I don't want to get trapped into a life of sin; lust, pride, and deceit have been the roads most traveled in my life recently and I need to get out.


Jesus is truth. He's the way. He is life. His love for me is more than anything I can comprehend and that love demands my whole life.

:::Changing the Station:::

I can always tell how close I am to God when I pay attention to what music I'm listening too. The times in my life when I'm chasing after Him hardcore and completely wrapped up in who He is and what He's called me to be.... I'm listening to stuff like Shawn McDonald, Shane&Shane, Hillsong United, Sara Groves. Stuff that feeds my soul and constantly encourages and reminds me of who He is and who I am in Him.

But OTHER times.... like now, unfortunately, I listen to rapcrap and stupid music that has NOTHING to offer your life other than a nice beat to bob your head to. The words are trash, the people who sing the words live lives pointed in the opposite direction of who I want to be, and the ideas, thoughts, and meditations of my heart when I LISTEN to those songs are, quite honestly, trash as well.

I'm back alright. Back into the real world. It's hard y'all. ("Y'allllll" - a little shout-out to my YWAM bed buddy, a girl named Wisdom, the beauty from Texas) :)

Anyways. It's been hard. But awesome... but hard.... but awesome. :)

Let me explain. It's been so nice to be back in the same place as the man I'm in love with; to be able to see him every week and talk to him and BE with him and do life with him again.... that's been the biggest blessing in my life so far. Being back with my family has been awesome too, living life with them again and having them right there to help me through anything has been amazing.

But everything else..... hard. I MISS being in a community of people who are all in love with Jesus. Its hard coming back to ordinary life, especially when you realized at one point that you are ruined from the ordinary.

The fact that I spent the last 5.5 months living in Hawaii/Kyrgyzstan, and living among some of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life is honestly surreal to me. That time FLEW by. Those people made more of an impact in my life than I think they will ever truly realize.

The time I spent with them was so amazing, and its just so hard for me to believe that they're GONE!!!! Not like, gone-gone, I just mean out of my life. I mean, the awesome guys I met won't ever be just a "stones-throw" down the road in the Creekhouse ever again, and the incredible girls I met won't ever be my roomies/be just a 5-step walk in the Shekinah house ever again! I HATE that.

I love the people here. I love my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. But I love the people back in Hawaii/Kyrgyzstan too. I WISH I could mesh those two worlds together. Maybe one day..... who knows:)

Anyways back to the topic of this post.... MUSIC! No, jk. It's more my relationship with God, and how hard it has been to pursue since I've been home. I've taken a lot of different things into account for sure, different relationships in my life that are pushing me either closer or farther from who I want to be. I think right now I need to find people in my life, here back at home, who are head over heels in LOVE with Jesus, so its like Donald Miller says, the way they love is inspiring... "it's like they're showing me the way."

I need that so desperately in my life right now, I can't keep going the way I'm going because my heart is dying on the inside. My heart belongs to Jesus and always has, that will never change, I decided that a long time ago, but I want my heart to be more in tuned with His and I want my life to reflect Him more. I WANT Him to be my best friend, not just sing about it! I WANT Him to be Lord of my life and to speak to me through every situation and give me enough grace to do His will in every situation.

Right now, I'm listening to rapcrap and trying to do things on my own, I can't survive that way. I feel it. I feel my heart slowly falling away and slowly dying.... where sadness, doubt, bitterness, hatred, and rebellion start to creep in. It affects the way I think, the way I speak, and the way I treat the people that I genuinely love. I don't want to live in that way, I want to live my life to the fullest that God's called me to.

SO. I've recently changed my station... back to music thats encouraging and helps my mind and heart focus on the right things. There's this one song that I'm obsessed with right now thats on the radio a lot lately.... called "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North.

Here are the lyrics.

Why are you striving these days

Why are you trying to earn grace

Why are you crying

Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough

To where will you go child

Tell me where will you run

To where will you run'

Cause I'll be by your side

Wherever you fall

In the dead of night

Whenever you call

And please don't fight

These hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side

They swallowed the grave on that night

When I drank the world's sin

So I could carry you in

And give you life

I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you

I want you to know

That I, I love you

I'll never let you go

Praise God for giving us more music than just rapcrap... *smile* and praise the Holy Spirit for drawing near to me, even tho I'm far away, through one simple song. He works so well. He is good.

I love my King.

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within."

:::Back:::

I'm baaaaaaack.
I haven't written in a while due to my recent life experiences... that is, an amazing YWAM adventure.... (which you can read about at my other blog: http://www.jocelynywam.blogspot.org/ if you really really want to.)

But, now its time to return to Earnestly. Earnestly seeking Him.

I love blogging. I really do. I love being able to process out my thoughts and sort out my emotions, and I think writing is the easiest way for me to do that. I do it more for myself than for anybody else, but its cool to have some of you follow along and read little bits and pieces of my crazy life every now&then. :)

Home. Technically, thats where I am now. But I'm not too sure.
Returning to the YWAM base in Honolulu after 2 months of Outreach certainly felt like I was returning home....
Then again, coming back to CO after 5.5 months of being away also felt like I was coming back home.
Then again, being in the arms of the man I'm in love with, wherever he is, whether he comes to visit me in Hawaii or I go see him up on the hill in CO where he lives... ALSO feels like home.
Whats the definition of home anyway??

home:: /hoʊm/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [hohm] Show IPA Pronunciation noun, adjective, adverb, verb, homed, hom⋅ing.
–noun
1.a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2.the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3.an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.
4.the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.
5.the place or region where something is native or most common.
6.any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.
7.a person's native place or own country.

And of course, everybody has heard the cliche' phrase::: "Home is where the heart is..."

So sweet. But at times so confusing.
My heart is in Jesus. And He's everywhere. So does that mean my home is wherever He wants me to be according to His perfect plan and will for my life?

....

I think I just solved my own problem.
Hahaha.... see why I love blogging? :)

{ <3 }

♥

Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us.
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way.

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke.
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging, without giving us any say...

(Chorus)
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls,
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to...

You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks,
With sonnets and second-hand books.
Playing the chords in me,
nobody knew how to play.

(Chorus)
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls,
Look through my windows as I wait.
You could be the thief
I give the key to...

It fits in your hand like the water in rain.
It unlocks our two different selves and shows we are the same.
Rather than wait 'til I put me out for the taking,
You're breaking... you're breaking into my heart.
...and I'm letting you.

Your eyes are full, full of the future of us.

♥

1/2 way there my best friend...

I love you.

:)

::Gosh I miss you::

We were both young when I first saw you.
I close my eyes and the flashback starts,
I'm standing there,
on a balcony in summer air.

See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns.
I see you make your way through the crowd,
you say "Hello."
Little did I know...

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles...
and my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet..."
and I was crying on the staircase,
begging you "please don’t go..."
and I said,

"Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone.
I’ll be waiting, all theres left to do is run.
You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess...
Its a love story, baby just say yes."

So I sneak out to the garden to see you.
We keep quiet, cause' we’re dead if they knew,
so close your eyes...
escape this town for little while.

Cause' you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter.
and my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet..."
but you were everything to me,
and I was begging you "please don’t go..."
and I said,

"Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone.
I’ll be waiting, all there's left to do is run.
You be the prince, and I’ll be the princess...
its a love story, baby just say yes.

Romeo save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel...
This love is difficult, but its so real.
Don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out of this mess.
Its a love story, baby just say yes."

Oh, oh

I got tired of waiting...
wondering if you were ever coming around.
My faith in you was fading...
when i met you on the outskirts of town, and I said,

Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting for you, but you never come...
is this in my head, I don’t know what to think.
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said,

"Marry me Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone.
I love you and thats all I really know.
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress.
It's a love story, baby just say yes."


♥
(I love you!)

::3 Months::

My Best Friend.

My Love.

3 Months.

More than half of it has been long distance, and it kills me.

I can't wait to be with him again.

♥

::2 Weeks::

This will be my new home in exactly 2 weeks from today.

I can't believe it!!

:)

::2 Months Down::

So... I can't believe it's only been two months... especially when it feels like so much longer...

But hey.... two months it is!! :)



Two wonderful months with a new best friend that I'm learning to grow with more, trust more, and love more.

The future is so unknown... (well, maybe just a little unknown...) :) ...but its nice to have a best friend who trusts in, loves, and yields to the same God I do.

Our God is the only blessing that stays constant through this whole relationship, and it's nice when you can place your complete faith in that... knowing that He wants whats best for each of us anyways.


So. Yes. Two months and counting... (and hoping for many, many more to come....) :) We'll see.

But for now, I'm going to enjoy him. Everything about him. He really is an amazing man, leader, friend... and I'm so so so sooo thankful to share this time of my life with him.


He's my best friend. :)

::Stages::

It's amazing how different people can be in such drastically different stages of life.
For instance, my best friends and I.

-One of my best friends just got accepted into the Hillsong School of Worship and is leaving in January for two years! :) (Very bittersweet... tell you why in a second.)

-Another one of my best friends just got back from YWAM, and is just starting a very serious relationship with a boy she's been in love with for four years and who has finally become everything he needs to be to her!!

-My other best friend is head over heels in love with the Lord, and is pursuing Him alone, wanting nothing else in life!!! SO encouraging!

-My other best friend is in the process of possibly ending what was an extremely serious two and a half year relationship. :( Maybe, maybe not, but either way it hurts being at that point.

Such a catharsis of emotions no? How can I go from being SO excited/sad finding out about my friend going to Hillsong in the morning, to crying over dinner with my other friend who tells me, between sobs, that things might be over between her and the man she's been in love with for almost 3 years?

I hurt for her. :(

I dunno. Emotions are such an unstable thing. Relationships are sometimes such unstable things! Talk about taking a risk!! Putting yourself completely out there, learning day by day to trust completely in the other person you're giving part of your heart to, while making sure your not giving too much of yourself too quickly because "you never know whats going to happen."

Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to not put yourself in the relationship situation at all, and instead to just avoid having your heart broken with something that you were so sure about turn into something that is completely unexpected. Avoiding that whole thing altogether.

But then, I think of the happiness I've had in my relationship...
-------------------------------------------------------------

*The special feeling you get when you know they want to be with you all the time.

*The smile you can't take off your face for the rest of the day when they randomly come and surprise you at work... (my co-workers said I was glowing!!) :)

*The random texts you get throughout the day, telling you that they are thinking about you and that they love you.

*The way you feel beautiful when they compliment you, or when you randomly catch them staring at you with a smile on their face... :)

*The fact that almost every thought you have is centered around them.

*The surprise card you get from them in the mail telling you they miss you while being gone for 3 long weeks... :)

*The Peace, safety, and security you feel when you're around that person.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I wouldn't give any of that up for the whole world! I definitely think its a risk worth taking. But the solid truth of your life is its a risk you don't have to take alone. Regardless of what happens... things work out.... or they don't.... you still have the faithful, never-ending love that is more than enough for you.
Yes emotions are unstable. Yes sometimes when I'm at the highest point in my life, one of my best friends might be at the lowest point of hers. And it's ok to meet her there, cry with her, feel for her. It's ok to understand that there are highs and lows, but the thing you must build your life on, is the fact that you don't have to run through those ups and downs completely blinded. There is a rock, a truth, a comforter, firm ground you can stand on.
No you don't know the outcome of the story, but you know the author. And what you know about the author is that He loves you in a deep, personal, faithful way with an unconditional love. He wants the best for you and will turn all things, highs or lows - ups or downs, out for YOUR good.

The sooner I can fully grasp that concept, humble myself, and trust solely in Him and His plan for my life, the more peaceful I can live. I think it's something Christians struggle with. But I'm determined to find the secret of faith; fully believing and downloading the knowledge of Him I have in my head, to the everyday choices and life I live from my heart. And rest there.