a blog for my Tita:::

So it was a day like any other day.

I was checking my facebook and I saw a status my sister had posted about finally being able to walk without crutches!

I got SO excited for her and proceeded to write on her facebook wall, "FINALLY YOU'RE NOT A GIMP! Now you have NO EXCUSE to not do the incline with me when I'm out there in September for Lauren's wedding!"

I made it to the word "excuse" before I realized something huge... and weird.

Tita's not going to be there.

When I go back to Colorado, Tita won't be there. She'll be away at college in California.

At that realization, I started to cry.

My crying turned to bawling. Like, literal, heart-wrenching sobs with tears streaming down my face.

Sitting on your bed, crying all by yourself can be weird sometimes, I'll be honest - so I was grateful when sweet husband came over to find out what in the world his emotional wife was crying about.

He actually LOVES it when I cry, he think's it's so vulnerable and he loves being able to comfort me when I'm a mess of tears. So I told him why I was crying - yes I thought it was a dumb reason - and he held me for a while until the sobs ceased.

Of course I blame the birth control, but I also can't help but blame the fact that... growing up sucks sometimes.

My baby sister is going to college.

WHAAAT?

This beautiful gal is finally going to COLLEGE???

That can't be the same baby sister who:

- at age 6 sneakily (word?) stuffed her pants with socks so that my mom's spanking wouldn't hurt... haha :)

- would wear the SAME DAMN YELLOW SMILEY FACE BEANIE (or "tooook" for you Canadian readers) EVERY SINGLE DAY for a solid 3 years of her life

- preferred oversized, comfy clothes over anything "trendy" (to this day, that is still the case.)

- has "THE THING."

- writes beautiful poems and songs in her room into the wee hours of the morning

- has a lame victory dance.

- used to put on as many unmatched pieces of clothing as she could.

- would sneak up on the roof with me and star-gaze (don't tell my parents.)

- loved Buddy more than all of us combined.

- would be my music blasting buddy for Orianthi - Kellie Pickler - & Taylor Swift.

- would steal my clothes. And jewelery. And everything. (little turd.)

- watched her team win the State Championship from the sidelines - cheering them on and being GENUINELY HAPPY for the girls despite her crappy circumstances.

My sister is one of the most amazing people I know.

She has a servant's heart - she's a loyal friend and a friend to every single person she meets. Literally. Every person that meets my sister always tells me, "Tita is just so... awesome." There's just something about her that makes other people she meets feel SO important.

I love that about her.

She's hilarious & HAPPY. She's naive sometimes and I love it. She's patient and honest and loyal. She is so GENUINE and so REAL - not some fake high school girl that hides behind pounds of makeup and lives off of talking crap about other people.

She is BEAUTIFUL and doesn't know it.

She's wise and loving with her friends.

She knows who she is and doesn't get caught up standing in front of a mirror for hours - what you see is what you get when it comes to Tita - so beautiful.

She believes the best about people.

She loves Jesus and is GENUINE in her pursuit of Him.

She's an ABSOLUTELY incredible athlete and keeps a humble heart despite her success... seriously this girl is amazing.

She makes me so proud - I LOVE that I can call her my baby sister, and I tear up at the thought of her not being home next time I return to Colorado. :(

So... this is just a tribute to Tita.
The most incredible baby sister in the world.
I'm so thankful for her - so blessed.

And I don't mind a bit bragging about how incredible she is - because she doesn't get it as often as she deserves and BELIEVE ME she deserves it... every word.

Dear Tita,

You're amazing and everyone knows it. I love you. I'm proud of you. I love who you are as a person - so FUN and REAL and HAPPY and GENUINE. I love everything about you. I wish I had been a better sister to you - if I could go back in time I'd have you with me every step of the way :) But I'm so excited for the years we have to come... I love that you'll always be in my life.

I'm proud of you for your positive attitude despite the tough 4 months you've had. You've been an inspiration to me and to the people lucky enough to share these last 4 months with you. And now... you're going to freakin COLLEGE!!!

Of course, as your big, WISE sister I have to give you advice as you leave the Colorado Nest & settle in California... so here's my advice. The best I got. I hope you take away something from it.

1) KNOW Jesus. Don't just know about Him. Don't just know some things He's said... KNOW Him. Intimately. KNOW His heart - KNOW how He loves people - KNOW what His reactions would be in certain situations - KNOW His opinion of people - KNOW His truth - KNOW His humility, His servant heart, His radical words, His necessary relationship with the Father. The world is going to flash intelligent arguments and the Christian church is going to try to counter them in every circumstance - but if you KNOW Jesus, you will KNOW how to respond and what He looks like in certain situations.

He loves and He loves extravagantly... be like Him.

2) Fear not. Don't be afraid to try new things and make mistakes. Make wise choices about the things you try - but don't be afraid. Worse case scenario... you wind up pregnant and we have a little baby Tita running around. We'd still love you, promise. But you'd have plenty of regrets & if you could go back, you'd probably do things a little differently. ALWAYS THINK: is what I'm about to do going to affect my life to the point where if I could go back, I'd want to change it??
Live life with no secrets, and live life with NO REGRETS. You'll be SO happy you did. PLUS - and I can speak from experience - sex within marriage is just TOO wonderful and SO WORTH waiting for. So be wise - but don't hesitate to try new things. Dream big and fall big - we'll love you. You'll always have a family that adores you. But make wise decisions & pursue a righteous life in JESUS - full of love for people!

3) Be YOU. Don't become like every other college girl... please. Don't be worried about your outward appearance, don't compare yourself to the other "california beauties" around you - you are BEAUTIFUL because of your appearance, your smile, and especially your heart. WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW is so more than enough.
Don't get caught up with the trends, with clothes, with who's the prettiest or the skinniest or the coolest. You are ALL those things and more and who you are is so perfectly wonderful - don't change a THING.

4) Learn everything. Literally. Knowledge is power. The more you know about life, relationships, education, and especially JESUS - the stronger you will be as a person and as a follower of Jesus. Be a sponge - realize that school is an opportunity to LEARN ABOUT EVERYTHING and soak it all up. The more you know - the more influential you will be.

5) Guard your heart. What's in your heart comes out in your words and actions. If you want to love people, let Christ's love be IN YOU. I know it's so cliche but it's really hard to do. Don't guard your heart from love - guard your heart TO love. Don't fill your mind with things that don't matter - don't let your heart be worried about things that are out of your control. Guard it against the world and keep it consecrated to Jesus.

6) TRUST Jesus. Trust Him with everything - even the little things. Include Him in every area of your life. He's there and He loves you and you don't have to worry about a THING because HE said so. Rest in that. Trust Him with your relationships, your career, your healing process with your knee, your homework, everything. Your college experience will improve significantly the sooner you realize that He holds it all together anyways.

7) Chase wisdom. DO it. Look for wisdom and practice wisdom in every situation. Ask your teachers, ask your coaches, ask your friends. Don't just be impulsive - be patient and chase after wisdom for your decisions. And if I were you - I really would ask mom & dad. Seriously. We're lucky to have parents that are as wise and care about us as much as they do. Don't take that for granted, USE OUR PARENTS. Be wise and chase wisdom all the time.

8) Eat Healthy. I know this is a lame one, but seriously. The older I've gotten the more and more I've realized HOW FREAKISHLY IMPORTANT this is. Take care of your body. Stay away from sugar, from flour, from carbs. Eat veggies & fruits & DRINK TONS OF WATER. Your healthy, UN-DIABETIC, in-shape 50 year old body will thank me for this one down the road... but if you ignore me, you're FAT, DIABETIC, UGLY body will regret it every day. Trust me. Eat healthy & eat small portions & love your body - it's not vain - IT'S IMPORTANT.

9) Give 100% in everything you do. So corny - but so vital. Especially as a college athlete. You're not playing as a goalie for Master's College - you're playing for someone bigger than that. Don't give 50% - give 100% every day. Every time. In relationships too - be the friend that is dependable, loyal, fun, and in it for the long haul. It'll make you a better person and it'll shine a light, promise.

10) HAVE FUN. Laugh a lot. Make memories. Play jokes. Bake cookies & make weird smoothies. Go to fro-yo bars & pile on the mocchi for me. Eat chocolate even if you don't like it. Take TONS of pictures - more funny ones than serious ones. Go to the ocean as often as possible, it gives you good perspective and reminds you how small you really are. Don't take yourself too seriously. Love people. Go running, just because you can. Learn a lot. Find friends that will be there forever. Stay up late watching movies. Don't do drugs - dream bigger than drugs. Don't skip classes & get behind... that just equals more stress every time. Don't drink before you turn 21 - respect your authorities. BUT when you turn 21 - drink Budlight Lime & Woodchuck... they're by far the BEST. Set a goal & do it. If you get in a car with someone who is drinking and driving and still survive... I'm gonna kill you anyways. That's stupid and unnecessary and you'll regret it. When you're alone in your room, find some trashy rap song and turn it way up and dance your heart out - seriously, I've tried it when I was alone in my house and it's so freakin fun. ALWAYS encourage people - if you think someone looks beautiful, tell them. Don't be stingy with your words, your words might make someone's day a lot better. Blast Orianthi, Taylor, & Kellie whenever you can & think of me. :)

Don't forget to talk to your family at least once a week and always remember - we're only a few hours away.

Munchy - you make me happy. Thanks for making all of us so proud - seriously you have. I'm crying right now thinking about how sad I'll be when I come back to Colorado and you won't be there. But I'm SO excited for you and your future. I dont' care where you go or what you accomplish in life - you'll always be my fun, crazy baby sister who needs to mail me back that bathing suit you stole from me.... turd. :)

Dream big dreams Tita - and above all else,
love people & love Jesus... and love em' big.

I love you poop head.

Now go knock em' dead. :)

::Dear Bride::

I love how everyone thinks that marriage is the ultimate "cure-all" for problems.

Now, I doubt anyone would openly admit to believing that statement, including myself - but if I'm being completely honest & real here, I know that deep down in my heart and probably deep down in EVERYONE's heart, there's an element of truth to the speculation behind that completely idealistic/unrealistic belief.

So I struggle with insecurity now? Oh, I know that'll all just vanish when I get married. I struggle with self-image? No worries, being married will cure that. Fear? Jealousy? Doubt? Once again, as soon as I get that final ring on my finger and say my vows, I'll be good to go. Problem, solved.

wrong.

I think the enemy is completely behind that thought process, and uses it for a few reasons.

1) If we have that idea in mind, we don't confront our issues and problems head on, right NOW. When you think that a "for-sure-cure" is in the cards, then why get your emotions in an uproar and deal with your issues now? Why get your hands dirty when it'll all be solved soon? That lie keeps us from total surrender to God.

2) he loves to steal from us - our joy, our security, our lives. I'm sure satan LOVES watching us females believe that lie; we go into a marriage with our hearts set on that complete "hope of change," and then... we fall. We fall even deeper & harder when we realize that hope of healing was nothing but a lie. He builds us up higher and higher to make our fall harder than ever. Cue self-hatred, guilt, anger, and that pesky problem that you thought would be "cured" by the Covenant.... insecurity.

I can just picture satan sitting there, ugly as ever, eating some type of nasty popcorn, watching our lives unfold into tears, heartbreak, and self-hate like it's some type of comedy.

Our hope's/expectations of being healed in a marriage are slowly shattered and intimacy in marriage begins to evaporate... and he loves it.

Anything God is, satan hates. Period. he is the opposite of God in every way and whatever God creates, satan creates a counterfeit. his agenda is only to steal, kill and destroy... our lives, our character, our hope, our future, our families, our dreams, our society, our government, our friendships, and especially our marriages.

So... like I said, I'm sure deep down somewhere I believed that lie.

I went into my marriage thinking that whatever jealousy, insecurity, fear I dealt with would all soon be wiped away by my handsome Prince, my Knight in Shining Armor... my "savior."

Oh, believe me, my Billy is SO many wonderful things... but "savior" is not one of them.

So there I am, a broken person who doesn't realize just HOW broken she is, promising my life to an incredible person who I am subconsciously expecting to "fix me."

Begin the marriage.

Month 1: pretty blissful. A few "flare ups" here and there regarding my pre-marital issues... but still expecting healing.

Month 2: coasting by. Same story with more "flare ups." Slowly realizing that Billy isn't curing me...

Month 3: Still no cure. Still so many issues. Still heart-break, still fear, still doubt and insecurity. Self-hatred sets in...

Month 4: self-hatred yields no fruit. satan still whispering lies, and I'm letting him... "You're married now, why are you still struggling with this? Why can't you just be happy? You're a terrible wife... you're a terrible woman... you don't deserve this amazing guy... you should leave him so he can find someone better because he deserves better than you..." lies, lies, lies.

The marriage continued.

So many wonderful times, so many rocky times... still no healing.

Still no problem resolution.

Still so much guilt and self-hatred over my reactions and feelings.

At one point, my husband wanted me to go to counseling and I refused, because I believed another lie; the lie that says, I KNOW what the problem is, so I could fix it! I don't need help. (Lie.)

Satan is so good at what he does...

But Jesus is even better.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I never fully realized how messed up of a person I was until this year.

This year His grace came FULLY ALIVE to me - the meaning of it, the truth of it, the necessity of it.

I felt His grace in the way my husband treated me... despite my ugly attitudes, reactions, or accusations. He was so patient, so loving, so endearing and supportive. Jesus' love shined through Billy & I felt so much grace in that relationship. (I'm forever grateful.)

I felt His grace in the way He let an awesome man, Aaron Stern, speak painful truth into my life and bring counseling & healing.

I felt His grace in the way He allowed Beth Moore to preach a sermon at Passion that was literally JUST for me, empowering me through the Holy Spirit.

I felt His grace in the way He gave me a best friend who encouraged me, believed in me, LISTENED to me and loved me through my crazy times.

I felt His grace in the way He allowed me to experience the low lows - the kind of lows I NEVER thought I would experience - as use those times to be able to sympathize & gain a deeper understanding for the way people experience intense pain, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I never used to be able to relate/understand those people... now I can. GRACE.

I felt His grace in the way He used my parents to "let go" but still love me enough to be there for me, ready to advise, ready to love, ready to welcome me home anytime.

SO. MUCH. GRACE.

"If Grace is an ocean, we're all sinking..."

I recently heard my sweet friend Lindsey say "Our hindsight is always 20/20" - SO true.

I've been married just over a year, and as I look back on this past year, I can see the hand of God, the GRACE of God, so clearly over my life.

I made mistakes. I said things I shouldn't have said. I did things I shouldn't have done. I salted wounds, I set myself up for failure, I fell fast and hard. There are some things I would LOVE to be able to go back and change... but I don't carry the condemnation. Jesus forgave me so why would I not forgive myself?

BIG LESSONS I LEARNED THIS YEAR:

1) "Healing never happens outside of intimacy with Christ. The healing of our wound flows out of our union with Him." - John Eldredge "Wild at Heart."

- Healing hurts.

It's a deeply personal process. It's impossible to heal without getting your hands dirty and your emotions in a whirlwind. It's necessary for growth, it's necessary for any positive change in your life.. It can't happen outside of deep, time-filled dissection of your heart.

2) "God has a will for your life, and so does satan." - Beth Moore

The weight of the the truth of this statement just floors me. Satan wants to destroy every area of my life. he wants me to live in guilt, shame, insecurity. But the thing is that I can fight the battle from a place of VICTORY and can stop his lies dead in their tracks. They only have as much power over my life as I let them have. I can live in truth, in victory, because of what Jesus did for me, not what satan speaks to me.

3) "You can't change the way you feel about something, but you can change the way you THINK about it, which will change the way you feel." - Beth Moore

Perhaps the biggest lesson I've learned this year is just how incredibly POWERFUL my mind is. If I allow my mind to, it can create a negative thought rooted in fear/insecurity and MANIFEST it into the most real, hideous thing that controls my emotions to the point of serious depression. I don't have to let my thoughts run wild - I can control them and take them captive to the obedience of Christ. I am SO grateful for the way God showed this to me - He so gently allowed me to realize the damage I was causing my heart, emotions, and marriage by allowing satan's lies manifest into actions and reactions that destroyed who I wanted to be.

4) "Instead of leaning AWAY from Billy when you have a problem, you need to lean INTO Billy and allow him to share the burden with you. That's what marriage is." - Aaron Stern

I am now a HUGE fan of counseling. Not only is it healthy for your heart, but the benefits of it just spill out into every area of your life. My college Pastor at my former church met with me a couple times in the fall and REALLY helped me process through some of my issues. He helped me realize that marriage won't work if I try to fix all my problems on my own, THEN come to Billy as a "whole person." Nope. Billy NEEDS me to NEED him. He NEEDS me to lean INTO him, to allow him into the broken places of my heart and let him help me pick up the pieces. So grateful for all that counseling and SO grateful for a husband who was ecstatic when I told him I was gonna stop trying to fix everything by myself, but was gonna let him in to be a part of the ugly process :) I'm a lucky girl.

5) "Jealousy is never the problem. It's only the fruit of the problem. The root, however, is a heart that needs to be loved into security... I knew that the root of jealousy in any part of my life was stemming from the blood-sucking trait of insecurity." - Christa Black Blog

- This is a new but MUCH NEEDED revelation for me. Jealousy isn't the problem - it's just a FRUIT of the problem. WOW. So whenever this ugly, bitter fruit rears it's ugly little head in my life, I can stop, take a step back and check my heart to see what the real issue is. Have I been feeding my heart with satan's lies? Have I been allowing vain pursuits take the place of the best pursuit? Have I expected my love and security to come solely from Billy instead of my Father in heaven who LOVES me? See? Heart-check. SO good.

Those are some of the lessons I've learned this year that have been VITAL in my healing, growing process.

But in all honesty, I couldn't have done it without Jesus' grace over my life.

And His LOVE ~ sheesh His love.

I'm not sure why I wrote this blog - it's deeply personal and deeply vulnerable.

But it's there.

It's real.

It happened and it affected my life in many many ways.

I'm grateful for it.

I'm grateful for the TRUTH that is found only in Jesus.

It is only Him & Him alone that provides healing, restoration, and CHANGE to a broken, mangled, ugly heart.

He makes all things new, He loves us, and Jesus alone is the way, truth, and life.

"Until you have given yourself to Him, you will not have a real self."

~ C.S. Lewis.

That being quoted, I'm SO glad to say that it's a journey, NOT a destination.

I will still have ugly fruit pop up in my life, ugly thoughts I have to take captive, ugly emotions that I have to surrender to God.

We're humans, we're being changed from glory to glory and that process will not be completed until we are standing with Christ with this world has passed away.

We don't have to have it all together to get an invitation to know Christ...

Lifehouse says it best:

"Forgetting all I'm lacking

completely incomplete

I'll take Your invitation...

if You'll take all of me."

That's so beautiful.

And so a place to come to before you entwine your roots with someone else's...

If you're one of the girls who's believing the lie that "marriage is the cure," I encourage you to {{{stop}}}

If anything, marriage is just a magnifying glass ~ and all those "issues" that you thought would be "cured" just get bigger and in the way of joy... and force you to deal face to face with them... except NOW you have someone who wants to intimately be a part of the yucky process. :)

Don't wait for a man's approval & acceptance to heal you...

Don't depend on a man's love to make you a whole person.

My advice? From experience? Surrender it to God now.

He knows it anyways.

He LONGS to heal your heart.

He LONGS to get His hands dirty and put the broken pieces back together again.

He LONGS for you to believe the TRUTH about your worth, your value in HIM alone.

He LONGS to empower you to live in JOY, in FREEDOM, completely untouchable from satan's lies and completely RESTORED in Him.

Let Him love you. Let Him heal you.

Let Him be ALL HE IS - your healer, your friend, your comforter, your security, your UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

He's all you need... He's willing to heal your heart, and that's more than enough.

:::ONE YEAR!:::

*Disclaimer: Cheeseball alert - all cynics read no further... you've been warned. :)

Happy *ONE YEAR* Anniversary to the love of my life...

WE DID IT!!! :)

~~~~~~~~

"Love is a temporary madness.

It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.

And when it subsides you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.

That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-St. Augustine

<3

It's been one crazy, fun, amazing, life-changing year.

From the day I met Billy on my 19th birthday in 2008 to TODAY has been a total of 3 years and 19 days.

I love him more today than all those 3 years & 19 days combined.

My husband is incredible.

Not only is he SO fun to look at...

but he is SO wise.

He's patient beyond what I deserve.

He loves me - not just with words, but with his touch, his attention, his glance, the time he spends with me.

He leads me SO well.

He is teachable and open to advice from older, wiser men.

He's so honest and so easily vulnerable with me.

He's so SAFE - when he's around I'm not scared (unless he's trying to scare me.)

He's such a MAN - in his heart, in his thoughts, in his ideas, in his build. I love the incredibly strong, secure manliness that is Billy Stainback.

He makes good decisions.

He makes me laugh.

He's my best friend.

The first 7 months of our marriage were nothing short of insane.

We traveled to 28 different places in a span of 7 months... which means we lived out of a suitcase for 7 months... bizarre for newlyweds, I must admit.

The last 5 months were nothing short of THE WAY MARRIED LIFE SHOULD BE. :)

We got our house - made it a "home" - got into our routine with our jobs and schedules, he came home from work, I made dinner, we'd laugh & talk over our evening meals, sharing our experiences from work and our friends, and end up at the end of the day in each others arms again. :)

We've made wonderful friends, and we've missed some wonderful friends, but all this year we've had one constant, solid thing in our lives and it's been each other... and oh my word that is so MORE than enough for us. :)

We've had our incredibly stressful times, and we've had our incredibly blissful times.

We've had our very happy moments, and our very sad moments.

We've learned, we've grown.

We've changed and we will continue to change towards learning to love and serve each other better.

But regardless of the change - regardless of the growth - perhaps one of my favorite things about marriage is that at the end of the day... regardless of what type of day it was...

I end up next to Billy Stainback, and that alone makes my heart leap with joy and gives me so much peace...

I sometimes still can't believe that my days will begin and end side by side with this incredible man... FOREVER.

I LOVE my husband.

With my WHOLE heart.

I can't imagine a better man for me, a better fit.

I look forward the many memories we will make together... to watching his dreams come true as he becomes an official Air Force Pilot... to having children with him and watching his eyes light up as he holds his children for the first time... to having him hold me and wrap his massive, loving arms around me when we go through hard times together... to making parenting decisions on what to do when our kids don't come home by curfew... to growing old with him, holding our grandchildren one day.

Ah. :)

God is so ridiculously good to me.

This has been the best year of my life.

I can't wait for the rest of our adventures as Mr. & Mrs.

<3

Billy ~ I love you more than words can express.

You are better than the man of my dreams and I can't wait to love you and serve you and follow you and encourage you for the rest of our lives.

One year down... A MILLION MORE TO GO!!! I'm so glad that our roots are entwined forever. :)

Love, your girl.

:::Random Plug:::

I'm sitting here, in my sisters bedroom, listening to Jillian Edwards' music and loving everything about being in Colorado - minus the part where I'm missing my husband HEAPS&HEAPS. He is the other half of me and quite honestly - away from him I feel incomplete.

Head over heels in love is quite the understatement.

Sorry for the randomness. I just need to throw this out there.

HUSBANDS ROCK. Marriage rocks. Jesus rocks EVEN MORE for thinking of the idea. I love that fact that I don't have to live life on my own... I have a real, incredible person that adores me and wants to know me so thoroughly. I'm grateful for him and I'm grateful for the grace of God that has blessed me so immensely.

RANDOM PLUG:::: over&out.

::Hello 22::

The last few hours of being 21 years old - WOOOOOW.

Is it just me or has this past year FLOWN BY?

I can't believe I'm 22. I used to think to myself, "You know, I'm gonna probably DIE before I get to age 16 because that just seems so far away."

And now, age 16 is in my rearview mirror by SIX YEARS. Crazy crazy crazy.

It's so weird to be able to say now that, "I get married when I was 21..." because I won't be 21 anymore. Tracking? That's just so bizarro to me.

Anyways.

What a HUGE YEAR in my life. Probably the most challenging, fulfilling, and life-changing year that I have experienced up until this point.

I think I've grown more in the last year than in all my 21 years before that combined. Honestly. I've never been so challenged in my beliefs, strengths, weaknesses, decisions, and attributes of my faith:

What the Year 21 brought:

a new marriage.

a new home.

new friends.

new places that we traveled to.

new skills - aka, cooking, decorating, etc.

new hobbies.

new job.

new goals.

new challenges.

new growth.

new dreams.

new love.

SO. MUCH. NEW.

Which of course means - saying goodbye to the old.... to Colorado, to my best friends, to my family, to my old job, to my old hobbies, to my old dreams.

Still can't believe the changes that happened in my life... turning 21, to getting married, to moving away from the state and family I love so much, to learning and growing with this incredibly attractive, wonderful man that I promised to spend the rest of my life with... to traveling the MOST places in the SHORTEST amount of time, to finally having my own house to care for, decorate, and love.

WOW. So much growth, so many steps taken.

It's been a beautiful, rocky road as my first year of being a wife - with the new victories and obstacles that come with that title and that union - and I must say that, when looking back on all that has happened, this year can be summed up in a single question of God saying, "how deep, wide, and far will you trust Me?"

He is Yahweh. He is Emmanuel. If my greatest fear is being alone I should never be afraid because His promises stand true. I know this year He has tested my faith, cradled me in His arms, and guided me into a deeper knowledge of and relationship with Him.

Up until this year of being 21, I had always had a picture perfect relationship with Jesus - genuine to some degree but absent of the reality of how much I really needed His grace.

Absent of the knowledge of, with out Him, I am truly a messed up, unworthy, pathetic person.

This year has proved to me that without His grace & undending love... I am nothing.

I know that sounds SO cliche, and I'd LOVE to go into the gory details that remove the "cliche-ness" of the journey He's taken me on to get to this true, vulnerable, new realization... but some details I'd rather die than post publicly to be honest, and others are probably too boring for you to even care about

But it's been REAL. And it's been Rocky.

This year has been FAR from easy - but it's also been FAR from words like boring, uneventful, stagnant, and regular.

Not only have I been challenged in my faith but I've been challenged as a PERSON - which I understand go hand in hand, but I like to separate the two to see exactly where I've been "pruned" so to speak and where I've grown: in my patience, in my trust (in people & in God), in how I handle my weaknesses, in my love.

The words change & growth typically go hand in hand (at least, hopefully they do...) and both words in and of themselves involve some type of pain at times, some type of life adjustment.

For us... the adjustments have been HUGE.

Meshing two families together - meshing two very different HUMANS together.

Talk about change. Talk about dying to yourself & living for another person. It's unbelievable to me how God planned this life to be - and yet He continually blows my mind with how wonderful it is, regardless of how many things needs to be adjusted.

Despite the drastic time difference from high school days til' now - there are quite a few things that haven't "changed."

For instance, my family. Still there for me, still so supportive. Still crazy with their own little quirks. Still forever loving me & my new husband, and supporting this Air Force life that we've chosen.

And my best friend. Now, I'd be lying if I said those relationships haven't changed... because they've changed a LOT over the years. People grow & people drift, and that's the inevitable truth that I've come to not only accept but embrace... we all change. But my best friend hasn't. She's loved me and encouraged me all the same throughout the years. She pursues my hearts, asks questions that open the deepest parts of me and loves allllll the ugly that she sees. Despite the distance, despite the years we've been apart now, she hasn't changed and for that I'm so blessed.

Colorado Springs hasn't changed. It still takes my breath away every time I drive into the city/step off a plane into the city. One of the most beautiful, stunning places on earth - this little city at the foot of a majestic mountain range.

Finally - but most importantly, God hasn't changed. Duh. He knew me, loved me, and guided me through my high school days and does the same in my phase of life now - regardless of the whirlwind of change happening around me. He is a solid rock. He is immovable. He is TRUTH regardless of what anyone or anything tells me. I'm so blessed for these 22 years He's given me on earth & am so excited to see what happens next.

So... here's to age 22. Who knows where I'll be living next... who knows what plane my husband will fly? Who knows the this age will bring... a baby perhaps? New wonderful friends? New struggles & challenges? Sometimes when I think about the future I get scared, and it probably has to do with the fact that I'm not so optimistic about it all the time... but I know it the depth of my heart that whatever this age brings... I'll be ok.

God loves me & He already knows.

I'm choosing to trust my unknown future to an all-knowing God... who loves me.

Me vs. Gaga

So.... the past few days the Lord has been speaking to me about something.

It all started when I saw a post on facebook on how "Gaga went too far" and somebody mentioned the song "Judas."

Being a natural Gaga-hater, I of course had to research it a little deeper and figure out why this chick wrote a song named after the man who killed my Jesus.

Of course, what I found was repulsive, offensive, and in a sense evil... and I got furious.

I think what bothers me most about Gaga, more than other artists, is that I feel she is very INTENTIONAL with the direction she's going with her music career & influence.

She KNOWS what she's doing.

She KNOWS she's popular.

She KNOWS that the more "honest" and "real" she is with her fans, the more they ADORE her, even if the things she's being "real" about include her eating disorders & drug addiction.

She KNOWS that she has a lot of influence in the music industry, and she's using that to obscurely drop negative messages through her music, lyrics, and just overall self image.

And it's like, INTENTIONAL, and I feel in a sense carries some type of evil with it.

I saw in an interview with her, where she said "Well, I said that I'm going to make albums that will piss people off..." see? Intentional.

Anyways - I was furious.

The song was down-right offensive to Christians.

She mocks & plays with words like "a king with no crown."

Saying she wants to "was Judas' feet with her hair," and that Judas is the "demon she clings to."

It's blasphemous.

And for some reason, it enrages me to no end.

So I was sitting there, all pissed off, sickened at the thought of her influence over our generation, wanting to get on facebook & twitter and tweet away about how NOBODY should be a Gaga fan and how she's attacking Christianity and blah blah blah blah blah...

And then God kind of stilled my heart a little bit.

When Jesus was watching her write the lyrics to the song "Judas," I doubt He was getting all offended & shocked & angry.

NOPE - that's not my Jesus.

Don't get me wrong, Jesus is a jealous, just God and HATES sin... but He loves the sinner.

I have no doubt in my mind that Jesus wants Lady Gaga.

He wants her completely, heart & soul, to heal her from her addictions, pain, insecurity, eating disorders, anger, resentment, confusion, self-hatred.

He wants to heal & restore this beautiful girl that He made in His image & knit together by hand in her mother's womb.

Jesus wants Gaga.

A co-worker of mine went to her concert recently in San Antonio and she was saying how amazing Lady Gaga was, etc. She said that during her concert, Lady Gaga likes to take a few minutes and talk to her audience, which I'm sure is something they love about her.

My friend was telling me that during this time, when Lady Gaga was "being real" and talking to her fans, she talked about religion and she admitted to at this point in her life, "being confused."

That should've softened my heart more than it did, I think, I admit it.

But now, God's kind of showed me the pride in my own heart at how offended I get with what she does & represents.

So... instead of hating Lady Gaga's guts... I'm going to pray for her guts.

I don't know her personally, but I know the God of the Universe who knows her SO personally, and I've decided that I'm going to pray & fast for Lady Gaga.

Starting tomorrow.

I know you're not supposed to get all public with fasting, I understand that, and I'm in no way wanting to be a show-off or pretend to show how "awesome" I am... it really doesn't have anything to do with me at all, other than getting rid of some ugly crap in my heart... but the reason that I'm saying this is just because I want people to join me.

If she's confused enough to admit publicly at a concert that she's confused, and if she struggles with "clinging to demons" enough to write a song about it... then my guess is she needs Jesus.

Like I said, I can't personally witness to her, but I'm going to pray my butt off for her.

No more anger - which leads to nothing, really - just a lot of love & a lot of prayers.

Jesus wants Gaga.

And I know deep down, Gaga wants Jesus, too.

:::Pointless Blah:::

So many random thoughts jumbled around in my head... gonna try to get them out as best and as un-messy as possible.

First of all - life is in FULL swing. I'm finally back at HOME :) and I love being with my husband again. Bill is a good four weeks into Pilot Training (aka UPT) and is finding himself in the middle of the classroom setting again in Phase 1 of UPT which is academics... (aka slackademics...) :) He's been studying his butt off, both with friends and on his own and I'm so so so proud of his hard work. He's been getting 100's on almost all of his tests... and in just TWO WEEKS will be OUT of the classroom and into the cockpit... IN THE SKY!! (awesome.)

Today was our FIRST day opening the new branch at my work and it was exciting! I'll be working full time and am so so so so grateful that God answered my prayers for finding a job - this one literally landed right in my lap, I was a perfect fit and so far am LOVING the company and LOVING my co-workers... all four of them. :) The branch is TINY but it thrives and focuses on customer service... and I'm beginning to realize that customer service is a PASSION of mine and hopefully an area/job that I will always be in.

I got the new Passion CD - 'Here for You.'

The CD is nothing short of anointed and has been blasting through the speakers of my iHome (my valentines day present from my honey:) ALL. DAY. LONG.

I rarely find CD's that I truly enjoy listening to all the way through, (unless it's a T-Swizzle CD of course) and this CD is definitely the exception. The most beautiful, raw, intense, simple worship I've ever heard - fills my heart with praise and reminds me of who's in charge.

My baby sister turns 18 in two days... how weird is that?

I miss my family a lot - still seems surreal to me that I will honestly NEVER live with them again. I've started my own life as a wife and there's no turning back. I have mixed emotions about that truth I must confess - I really miss the Garcia Gang. But I'm loving being Mrs. Stainback and growing in what God has for me.

SPEAKING OF GOD... He's seriously the BEST.

FIRST - He answered my prayer of finding a job - answered it above and beyond what I imagined of course!

THEN - He answered my prayer for helping me find a way to get involved with the high school somehow - I miss mentoring and building relationships with middle & high school girls. How did He answer that pray you ask?? WELL, first He got me the job :)

Then at the job, the assistant branch manager tells me that her dad has decided to take up coaching her sisters 12 year olds' volleyball team and that she's going to be the assistant coach and doesn't know how to play volleyball so she wanted any tips or advice!

I. LOVE. VOLLEYBALL.

So of course I tell her that if they need any help or a ball shagger or WHATEVER that I'd LOVE to help out! So she invited me to the practice tonight and it was so fun. I MISS VOLLEYBALL. I love it. I love what I've learned and being able to teach those techniques to a bunch of Del Rio middle school girls who are learning volleyball.

What's even cooler though, is that her father works for the HIGH SCHOOL and has worked there over 20 years! So I'm so grateful to have that connection - I'm going to keep praying about it and see if I can start helping out with the high school girls JV and Varsity levels and hopefully that'll be somewhat of an "in" with the high school girls and I can just love on them and build relationships with them and help them see how valuable and beautiful and treasured they really are.

I MISS high school girls. That is SO MUCH of my heart and so much the group that I want to reach to... I know God sees that and knows me better than I know myself so I'm excited to see what other doors He will open during my time in Del Rio.

Lastly... I finished decorating my home... and I LOOOOVE it. It's beautiful and amazing and perfectly what I wanted and so so so stinkin' cute.

I'm going to post pictures this week so... STAY TUNED!

Sorry for the boring update... don't know why I started this post but I'm going to finish it now.... ON THE NOTE that God is SO cool. He's showing me every day that He is SO in charge of my life and knows me better than I know myself. He knew I was going to live in Del Rio - He knew I was going to get a job working with awesome people that I'm going to share my life with over the next year - He knew that I would be helping coach a middle school girls volleyball team - He KNOWS. And He LOVES. And His love is better than life.... all we'll ever need.

OH AND I ALMOST FORGOT...

Billy & I have been married for 10 months today :)

(only two months until our ONE YEAR anniversary... TIME FLIES!!)

:::More than Lyrics:::

Be still, there is a Healer.

His love is deeper than the sea.

His mercy is unfailing.

His arms, a fortress for the weak.

{{Let faith arise}}

I want to pause on that.

Because sometimes in my life, I let pretty songs be just that, "pretty songs," and I don't allow them to sink deep deep DEEP anymore. I've realized that being raised to worship God in more locations than just church has taught me to become incredibly unphased & disensitized by the words that I'm singing... I'm no longer amazed by the truths that are so beautifully woven into them.

The lyrics become second nature to me and in the middle of me singing the words I've memorized, I don't allow my mind to meditate and cultivate exactly what I'm VERBALLY saying OUT LOUD.

It's just... blah.

BUT THEN, there are some times, when the Holy Spirit just WEIGHS on my heart the reality of the TRUTH that I'm singing.

They're no longer just words that I've just memorized... they become ALIVE and TRUE and when you realize the TRUTH embedded in words like, "His love is deeper than the sea..." it's almost impossible to contain your joy.

One of these rare but treasured occurances happened to me as I was driving home (aka hotel) from work today... I was listening to the song up above in red and just felt this THICKNESS of His love and felt the HEAVINESS of the words I was singing.

You guys... God's love for us is DEEPER than the SEA. The OCEAN: The most enchanting, mysterious, epic mystery that still astounds scientists every day.

His love for us is deeper than that... and NOTHING CAN separate us from it!

"No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord..." ~ Romans 8:39

"His mercy is unfailing..."

"His arms, a fortress for the weak..."

Sometimes I don't ALLOW myself to be weak. I don't willingly recognize the areas in my life where I just can't muster up the strength and come to a place and a PEACE in my heart as I realize... it's OK to not be able to muster up the strength.

My strength in life is I am His!

I really WANT to allow myself to get to a WEAK place... just SO that I can truly, literally experience His arms being my fortress... my ONLY safe place.

That's so beautiful and the fact that I don't take advantage of that probably extremely cozy spot in His arms more often is so ridiculous.

Lastly...

"Let faith arise."

That speaks for itself... in a monumental, powerful way.

My prayer is that you truly, PURPOSEFULLY, in your worship, whether at church or in the car, let your heart sing more than just lyrics... that you realize the WEIGHT of the words that You're singing to the Creator.

The TRUTH about our God, the LOVE from the King!

The LOVE that is better than life!

Don't get caught up in words.... get caught up in TRUTH and allow it to move your heart to tears of JOY!

Because, when all is said and done, there really is NO ONE like our God.

And one day EVERY knee will bow and EVERY tongue will confess and EVERY heart will know it.

~~~~~~

"His mercy is unending."

"Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me!"

"Until my breathe runs dry, I will sing to you!"

"You are the Lord, the Famous one, Great is Your name in all the earth!"

"Amazing love, how can it be that You my King would die for me?"

"He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane..."

"Savior, He can move the mountains, my God is might to save!"

"All Your ways a good, all Your ways are sure, I will trust in You alone."

"What can wash away my sins? Nothing but the blood of Jesus..."

"In Christ alone, my hope is found."

"Fire, fall down on us we pray, as we seek You..."

"Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high... be treasured here, be glorified. I owe my life to You my Lord, here I am."

"Let me be in love with what You love, let me be most satisfied in You."

"Jesus You're all this heart is living for."

"All I have I give to You, Oh God."

"Christ is risen from the dead, we are ONE with Him again!"

"Captivated but no longer in chains... left at the empty grave... the sinner and the Sacred resolved!"

"Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades!"

"Precious Cornerstone, SURE foundation..."

"My strength in life is I am Yours."

"My hiding place, my safe refuge, my shelter Lord, You are."

"Holy, Holy are You Lord God Almighty! Worthy is the Lamb!"

"Nothing compares to the promise I have in You!"

"You'll come, let Your glory fall as You respond to us!"

"There is no one else for me, none but Jesus!"

"Holiness is what I long for."

"This world has NOTHING for me, I will follow You!"

"I have not much to offer You, not near what You deserve, but still I come because Your cross has placed in me my worth!"

"You walk on waves, You run with clouds, You paint the sky for me to see! Your majesty is why I sing!"

"All my fountains are in You!"

"He's coming for a pure bride..."

"Jesus saves! Hope is here, shout it out!"

"Father, let Your light shine down on me..."

"Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!"

"Somehow, all that matters now is You are Holy!"

"I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk, by Your side..."

"Caught a glimpse of His splendor, in the corner of my eye... the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen..."

"Come, let us sing a song! A song declaring we belong to Jesus! He is all we need!"

"Great is they faithfulness, morning by morning new mercies I see..."

"Jesus, the only Name that brings healing, and strength... when I speak Your name, mountains move, chains are loosed..."

"All You are is All I want, always. Draw me close, in Your arms, oh God, I wanna be with You!"

"Open our eyes, to see the things the make Your heart cry, to be the church that You would desire..."

"Arise my love, the grave no longer has a hold on You!"

"Our earthly crowns and all our desires, we leave at Your feet."

"You stood before creation, eternity in Your hands... You spoke the earth into motion, my soul now to stand."

"I lay it all down again... to hear You say that I'm Your friend..."

"Oh the Wonderful Cross, bid me come and die and find that I may truly live!"

{{Ilovetruth}}

And if our God is for us, than who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us, than what could stand against?