:::Snippets of Oswald:::

So, I'm trying to get into Oswald Chambers again... my previous attempts involved moments in my life where my brain was already overrun with deep issues and the last thing I needed was Mr. Oswald fancy-pants lingo  with over-the-top vocab to keep my mind in an already too-deep, mind-hurting state. 

I recently decided to try again, however, and today's particular "Utmost" had my heart BURSTING so much so that I wanted to share:::

"We need to learn this secret of the burning heart. 

Suddenly Jesus appears to us, the fires are kindled, we have wonderful visions, then we have to learn to keep the secret of the burning heart that will go through anything. 

It is the dull, bald, dreary day, with commonplace duties and people, the kills the burning heart unless we have learned the secret of abiding in Jesus. 

Much of our distress as Christians comes not because of sin, but because we are ignorant of the laws of our own nature. 

For instance, the only test as to whether we ought to allow an emotion to have its way is to see the the outcome of the emotion will be. 

Push it to its logical conclusion, and if the outcome is something God would condemn, allow it no more way. 

But if it be an emotion kindled by the Spirit of God and you do not let that emotion have its right issue in your life, it will react on a lower level. 

The higher the emotion is, the deeper the degradation will be, if it is not worked out on its proper level. 

If the Spirit of God has stirred you, make as many things inevitable as possible, let the consequences be what they will. 
We cannot stay on the mount of transfiguration  but we must obey the light we received there, we must act it out. 
When God gives a vision, transact business on that line, no matter what it costs. 

"My Utmost for His Highest"

Oswald Chambers. 

I love that so much. 

As a female who was raised in church and has truly experienced perhaps only a handful of times on "the mount of transfiguration..." - you know, the moments with Jesus that leave you with exactly that: a BURNING HEART..... this hits a little too close to home.

I'm the girl that goes on retreats or conferences and obtains the "burning heart" and comes back and is "on fire" and desperately wants to live IN that "fire" and "passion" and NEVER LET IT BURN OUT!! 

Can you relate, perhaps? 

This entry touched my heart because... I think truly God made us that way. 

God made us to desire those "mount" moments... where His presence is thick and rich and tangible and literally the only thing you want... 

The more I think about it, the more I think that His presence alone is what satisfies the deepest longings of our hearts. 

His presence ALONE is watch catches our hearts on fire... it fulfills us and is probably the only thing on planet earth that can truly satisfy... so once you experience that, of COURSE you'd be burning for more!! 

But I love how Oswald put it... "It is the dull, bald, dreary day, with commonplace duties and people, the kills the burning heart...." Bah. Isn't that the truth. 

I've experienced that about once a year, and it leaves me feeling like dog poop, because, once AGAIN... I've failed. I've messed up. What once was a burning heart, is NOW... again... a regular heart... that may look like everyone else's in the room, including people who don't even acknowledge Jesus as Lord and Savior. 

Um... cue the guilt & shame. 

However, Oswald offers a little bit of light into it, and it truly is the ONLY ANSWER, I suppose. 

Our days will be dreary and "ordinary" and the burning hearts will eventually distinguis.. "Unless we have learned the secret of abiding in Jesus."

And, I truly think it is a secret. 

It's a secret that is available to EVERYONE but only truly discovered by the ones who intentionally practice it with their WHOLE HEARTS. 

I've been a Christian since October 10th, 1999.... (sure, do the math, and go ahead and laugh at the fact that this is still a part of my relationship with Jesus that I desperately need to DO....) and the fact that this is still such a "taaa-daaa!!! LIGHT-BULB ON" moment for me is a little bit ridiculous. 

But, Jesus gives more grace... I love Him... and He's still teaching me, through random moments like a quiet time with Oswald leading the way... how much it comes back to this:

ABIDE. 

Dana Candler says it beautifully... 

"Jesus isn't look for a better you, but a lesser you. 

We aren't to imitate the vine, but ABIDE in it." 

Beautiful beautiful beautiful. 

I want to NOT be ignorant about the laws of my own nature. I don't want to depend on emotions because emotions are fickle and often lead me away from what God wills for my life. 

I want to be WISE with my emotions... I love how Oswald put it... "For instance, the only test as to whether we ought to allow an emotion to have its way is to see the the outcome of the emotion will be. 

Push it to its logical conclusion, and if the outcome is something God would condemn, allow it no more way."

Well, Duh Oswald. (haha.) :)

Then, the next part is what convicted me the most... 

 But if it be an emotion kindled by the Spirit of God and you do not let that emotion have its right issue in your life, it will react on a lower level. 

I don't want the emotions in my life that are kindled by the Spirit of God... perhaps the ones involving my emotional response to sex trafficking, marriages, helping young teenage girls find their value & worth in Christ alone.... THOSE emotions that I feel to NOT HAVE THEIR RIGHT PLACE IN MY LIFE. 

Or else... as perhaps is the case in my heart currently... they react on a lower level. 

Wow. Conviction. And so much encouragement. 

So what did I learn from this tiny "Utmost?"

1. Don't let the dull, dreary, ordinary life kill my "fire"

2. Don't think that "my fire" is "out" because I don't "feel Him so emotionally" as I may have before... rather, discipline myself to abide in Jesus and test the day-to-day emotions that I feel. 

3. Pray for the Spirit to reveal the true emotions that He wants me to be lead to...

4. Once I experience those, let the Spirit have them and manifest them on the PROPER LEVEL of my life. 

5. Jesus through Oswald fancy-pants lingo absolutely rocks... who knew?

And finally... this little nugget of gold... We cannot stay on the mount of transfiguration  but we must obey the light we received there, we must act it out. 

No more words are really needed. 

::Truths in Deployments::

So we're about a week into this crazy life-change & things are going surprisingly better than I could've ever anticipated... I'm speaking in regards to my emotional capacity, of course.

I have such a grateful heart because I know, without a doubt, that the way I feel right now, and the things God's been doing in my heart since my husb left, are allll due to the many, many people covering us in prayer.

When I think about it, I am overwhelmed with emotion and unspeakably in awe of the army of people God's put into our lives to pray for us. 

And not only do they pray for us, but many of them TELL us they are praying for us, that leaves me feeling so humbled and comforted and encouraged.

It's actually ridiculous, in the best possible way.

I dunno where you are in your walk with Christ, but one thing that I'm really starting to realize... is that prayer is everything that most people say it is.

1) It works.

2) It's powerful.

3) It's boring sometimes. (No, a lot of the times.)

4) If you push past the boring-ness... and realize in your mind that you're actually talking to the Creator who made the stars in the sky & still cares about all your little problems... you may actually begin to love it.

5) The more you seek Him in the quiet, private places, the more you really do find Him.

6) The more you find Him, the more you become like Him.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ all of that, is what I've been discovering in the past week as my current "status" has updated to a woman living by her lonesome.

Rewind a bit.

So, the big "D" word (head out of the gutter folks, for this phase of my life, the big bad "D" word is simply the word that means separation due to service. And nothing more. Literally.) was quickly approaching.... the countdown in my head was in full swing & I don't think I was able to really know what to do with it.

A beautiful best friend from high school, who's husband also flies for the Air Force and is about a year ahead of my man, mentioned once or twice to me that the week or two leading up to the D word is the worst... because you're caught between hating that he's leaving so soon, and wanting to just start it already so that you can stop anticipating the pain that's inevitably coming.

That pretty much perfectly describes my emotions, up until the day he left.

I'm sad to say I was in a bit of a funk those last few days. In particular, the day before he left, I was a straight-up B word. (Yes, head in the gutter for that one.) I hate to admit it, but I was like, sooooooo not what a wife-who's-husband-is-leaving-the-next-day should be.

I woke up kinda pissed. I was pissed all day. My poor, sweet husband tried several times to make me laugh because he could tell I was distant. And boy, was I. I kept him at an arms length most of the day, avoided eye-contact, forced myself to not laugh at times that I normally would have, and was just overall, very mean and cold.

(hashtagsadface)

I remember praying at one point in the day.... "God! Why am I like this, today of all days?? He's leaving TOMORROW! Help me to be happy, PLEASE GOD!" Truly, I was hating myself for feeling and treating him the way I was and I couldn't figure out why I was in such a funk.

Then, there we were hanging out, and Bill, in his continual attempts to make me laugh, said something that was so funny and I forced myself to actually laugh at his funny-ness, and when my eyes met his (for probably literally the third time that whole day)... my heart just broke. I burst into tears.

It was so weird to me when I finally realized that the reason I was keeping him at an arms length was because I actually didn't want to love him too much or enjoy his company too much, because it reminded me what I was losing in the next 24 hours. It hurt too bad.

This whole thing was happening COMPLETELY in my subconscious .. as I said, I couldn't figure out my funk, until I actually let myself laugh and be happy and ultimately realize that my heart was in so much pain. So weird, right?
... No? Well THIS Psych major thinks it's mega weird, thank you very much. :) 

Luckily, I learned from a friend who grew up as an Air Force brat... (in the ultimate sense of the word... ie. Dad was an Air Force pilot, two brothers were too, and THEN she fell in love with one who is actually hanging out with my husband overseas as I type this...) ... (yes, we love this couple.).... I learned from her that, I'm NOT ALONE IN THIS CRAZY PSYCHO CRABBY-PANTS REACTION TO THE D WORD.

Apparently, her mom kind of had the same reaction every time her dad was getting ready to leave on a long extended mission. She'd just be equally distant and cold, every single time. 

Crabby as all get out.... just. like. I was.

Finding this out not only comforted me but made me, again, SO GRATEFUL for Air Force communities. 

It's nice to know that these weird, sub-conscious emotions aren't just solitary to your life. 

That there are other wives out there who can not only relate... but who have plenty more than just one separation under their belt & can pass down valuable knowledge.

The advice I've received from many more seasoned Air Force wives is something I've come to treasure and appreciate; a standard I want to live up to and bless others with.

So, now he's gone. It sucks, of course. But as I said earlier, not even HALF as bad as I was expecting! (Again, I owe a big ol' chunk of it to you... thankyouthankyouthankyoumyloves!)

1 Corinthians 7:34-35 says:

"... and the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. 

But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 

I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord."

So I read that this weekend. 

And the last part really resonated loud in my spirit.... to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord....

Just for FUN (and because I love it so much,) here's the Message version. (Small, small disclaimer: for all you who think the Message is heresy.... I don't care. Scoot your boot off that high horse & enjoy what this says, I promise your salvation isn't in question by reading this.) :::

"I want you to live as free of complications as possible. 

When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. 

Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. 

The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God..." 

NOW. 

Before everyone freaks out.... I would like to clarify a few facts about my self in light of writing not one but TWO translations of the above verse: 

1) Yes, I do know that the D word doesn't mean I'm single now. 

2) Yes, I do know that I'm still married. 

3) Yes, I do know that I'm still married. 

4) Yes, I do prefer marriage over the single life. 

5) Yes, I do think this verse is still hitting my heart in a strong, strong way. 

And here's why: because God is SHOWING ME STUFF! 

Again, I am in no way considering myself to be the "unmarried" or "betrothed" widow mentioned in the verses... nor do I wish I was (because let's be honest, marriage freaking rocks.) 

All I'm saying is... that in this certain phase of life... and unfortunately, in many phases of life to come... I am, in some ways, living the "single life." (I said SOME ways!!!! NOT ALL!!! Quit freaking out & judging me people!)

For instance, tonight I watched a movie until 12:30 am. Yes, I do do stuff like that with my husband all the time, but when he's around, the movie is RARELY a sappy chick-flick... and nutella usually isn't as involved, either. 

In this phase of life... I'm alone. I am so much like the "unmarried" woman mentioned in the verses above. I hate it in so many ways, and yet, in spite of the loneliness, fear, and sadness I feel most days, I am experiencing God's grace & wholeness in so. many. ways. 

He's showing me that... IT'S OK. 

It's ok to miss my husband. 

I mean, come on, God made the two of us, ONE, quite literally. "Un-one-ing" what God had made one in the form of thousands of physical miles of separation is nothing to look forward to or enjoy in the moment. 

Bill's my other half, my best half, he has my heart, he's the one I want to be around every day, he loves me so well and yet... he's far away. 

I don't care who you are, that's not fun. 

And God shows me that... the sadness I feel is OK. 

BUT: the fear, anxiety and self-pity I feel is, in all honesty, not really ok. Here's why.

I dropped Bill off at the flight line the day he left... super strong without tears n' all... and then got into my car and experienced a whole different set of emotions. satan loves to kick us while we're down... and in light of that, un-merited thoughts from him flooded my mind... stuff like... "Well technically Jo, this could be the very last time you hug Billy..."

That kinda crap invaded my safe space and, do you want to know how God responded for me to those thoughts? 

I turned on the car to drive home, tears & fears showing up on my face and then.... 

"I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind... the God of ANGEL ARMIES, is always by my side. 

The ONE WHO REIGNS FOREVER.... 

HE IS A FRIEND OF MINE!

The God of Angel Armies is always by my side." 

Not only did this TRUTH hit me at my CORE... but this TRUTH also happens to be one of my husbands favorite worship songs at the moment. 

So in case you missed it.... 

GOD responded to the fears that satan (with a very little, little "s") was whispering into MY reality... by reminding him about his reality. 

Yes, I bawled. But not because I was scared. 

I bawled  because, the ONE WHO REIGNS FOREVER is not only my friend (and that's truly enough), but is also CURRENTLY WITH MY HUSBAND AS I TYPE THIS. 

And He loved me enough to REMIND ME OF THAT FACT in the midst of my sorrow, in the midst of my disobedience in believing satan's LIES over God's TRUTH. 

I know, in my heart of hearts, that God went BEFORE and BEHIND Bill. He's hemmed him in. He is by his side, whether that's 30k feet in the sky (a shorter journey from home for Him, perhaps), or right here on the couch next to me. 

He loves Bill, He's a good King, regardless of any and EVERY outcome, and He sealed my heart with that promise in that same hour that Bill left. Sheesh.... Jesus is some kind of wonderful. 

Since that day, He's truly held me. 

Something I've found out about myself is that when left alone to live the "single life..." I'm very, very good at being a hermit. Gimme some sweat pants, an oversized t-shirt, a comfy blanket and a half-way decent show and I'm good for days. Shower--What?? People--Who?? 

I found out about this hidden talent (I say that pathetically) over the past few months because Bill has had quite a few trips where he's gone from 3 - 6 days. Which is fine. 

But I've been convicted since those days.... all alone, by myself, having all the time in the world to do ANYTHING... and yet choosing the couch/TV life.... yes, I've been convicted since those days to INSTEAD... pursue my King and EMBRACE SILENCE in HIM, instead of filling my head with the best the world has to offer, aka crap.

So, Bill leaves, this time for the longest time yet, I'm mean to him the day before he leaves, I'm desperately sad the day he leaves, I come home to an empty house and have a whole day to myself and am tempted to each chocolate and cry and watch a show that will make me feel better---- God reminds me of my conviction, and I choose to, for once, follow it. 

Everything I'm sharing here is not to toot my own horn by any means because truly, it's a little pathetic HOW MANY TIMES I've had the opportunity to dwell in His presence while my man is away and instead waste evening after evening doing anything but.

It's ridiculous and exposes perhaps my unbelief of who He is as a worthy, jealous King. 

But, I believe that the combination of your prayers & my (for once) small obedience has literally CHANGED MY LIFE. In less than a week. 

I feel like this time that God has made in my life, to be a somewhat "single woman" was ordained BY HIM before I was BORN because, right now He wants to recapture my heart in my obedience to Him.... He wants to secure my undivided attention to Him, once again....

He gave me and has given me this life that, for the next few years, will involve a lot of alone time. 

As I said earlier, the alone time I've recently experienced has exposed my humiliating LACK of discipline in areas that are vital to my existence... that is, prayer, reading His word, cultivating His presence, etc. 

I don't want this time of being alone to be wasted. 

I want to, for once, once again, at age freakin 23, to truly DEVELOP DISCIPLINE in Him. 

Out of pure love. 

Out of pure adoration and complete realization of who He is and what He's done. 

I love being married and I love that I'll be married to Bill for the rest of my days... I can't believe how blessed I am by the way he loves, protects, leads, and guides me - in the midst of all my ugly! (Which is SO MUCH.... in case you're new to this place, catch up on my ugliness in previous blogs and be comforted in doing so because if you feel ugly, you're about to have a HUGE self-esteem boost in comparison to where I've been at.) 

Marriage is truly one of God's most grace-filled gifts in my life, I'm a different person and more refined through the fire and passion and love and grace and mercy that is found in marriage. I wouldn't have it any other way, and I hope everyone truly realizes that. 

However, these days I'm living in are the days He's planned and the presence of God that I've felt over the last few days is convincing enough to continue to pursue. 

Since the moment Bill has left my side, God's been with me. 

First, the song. 

Next, comforting verses found out of, for once, actual obedience to Him. 

Next, comforting messages/texts/comments from loving friends that really really encouraged me. 

Next, a women's retreat literally TWO DAYS after he leaves (God's timing is the best huh.) that will literally change my life (stay tuned, that's my next blog.) 

Next, a song by David Crowder on my way home from retreat that says "And it's just You and me here now.... and I will worship You Lord, only You Lord" and the weight of those words leave me stunned and encouraged.

Then, a book by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity" and a prayer she writes in it that I say with every fiber of my being in the middle of the night to my King that leaves me ugly-crying and completely changed. 

People, His presence is so real. 

His truth is ABSOLUTE TRUTH. He is a rock. He is an anchor. He is an unshakable foundation. You WILL find Him when you seek Him. You CAN cultivate His presence. He IS worthy of earnest seeking in the midst of not "feeling Him." 

James 4 says, "but He gives more grace......" my deliberate disobedience over the past trips that Bill's taken makes me ashamed, but the grace He is showing me in this time of my life leaves me encouraged and humbled. 

Will I mess up and disobey again? You betcha. 

Am I convinced that His presence is the best thing? I felt it as strong as ever, for the first time in a LONG time, at retreat this weekend and all I can say is yes. Sign me up. Again and again. I'm convinced. 

Do I want to take this time as a "single woman" living a "single life" to secure my undivided attention on my King, cultivate His presence, nurture the relationship, fall deeper in love with Him and be lead completely by the Spirit?? To become a WHOLE and HOLY WOMAN OF GOD? 

yessssssss. Please God, please! 

My little experience in marriage has shown me that being a WHOLE PERSON apart from your spouse is a very, very good and healthy and actually necessary thing. 

I've found that, when I'm sucking the life and affirmation out of my husband in order to attempt to validate & make me feel like a whole person.... it doesn't work out. (I mean, he really loves it n' all... #not.)

And now that I don't necessarily have a tangible husband to suck the life out of, I have a few choices. 

1) Either crumble and be defeated. 

2) Use this time, this time where I have so much time, to secure my undivided attention on the only TRUE source of security, affirmation, validation, and hope. 

Hm. I choose 2, because

My hope is built on nothing less. 

And finally, I end with some encouragement that a beautiful friend named Mary graciously reminded me of...

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..." 

Hebrews 6:19

That hope has a Name, and it's the Name above every Name. 

And He's my friend. 

And he's got this yucky, painful, unnatural phase of life in His hands. 

Time for me to rest in that. 

A Toast.

How to start this. 

My heart aches so incredibly badly at the recent tragedy. 

F16 pilot Capt Luc Gruenther's body was found today after having been missing since Monday, when his plane lost communication with the tower & went missing... the remains of the plane were eventually found in the Adriatic sea that Monday.

I heard about this and at first was so heartbroken for the family... then I read news that his body hadn't been found yet! His family released statements of how much of a survivor he was... how he loved the outdoors & was a rock climber & a certified scuba diver. It was for those reasons that his wife said she knew he was coming home.

Her confidence, and his experience, allowed me to hope.

I'm not sure why exactly, but I started to hope & I started to pray fervently & I started to spread the word for prayers to rise. I don't know why I so claimed this specific situation & made it my burden, but over the past couple of days it has literally consumed my thoughts... continually praying, PLEADING that he was alive! 

Maybe he was in the sea somewhere, floating on a piece of scrap metal, maybe unconscious. I pictured that in my mind & started PLEADING that God would keep him warm out there and give him strength to be found and fight for his life. I imagined maybe he was washed up on a random island... I prayed that God would help him find drinking water there and keep him warm and safe. 

I let my mind go to all these different scenarios because in my heart, Capt Luc Gruenther was still alive. He was a fighter, his parents & wife said so, and God, well, He's GOD and a God of miracles. He can and does sustain, He can and does hear the many prayers rising up on his behalf and He is so very mighty to save. 

So I pleaded with an expectancy of a MIRACULOUS rescue, one that united Air Force Pilot's & their families all across the globe & one where God was made as famous as He should be.

Hoping, hoping hoping. 

So when I got the news today, it felt like a a knife in my gut. It cut deep, and it hurt. The family released this statement & this is how I got the news: 

"It is with great sadness that we announce that the body Captain Lucas Gruenther was found in the Adriatic Sea this afternoon. A compassionate husband, a loving son, and a devoted brother; Luc leaves behind a family who loves him dearly and a legacy of achievement. We will never fully recover from our loss, but take heart in the knowledge that during his all-too-short time in this world, he made a significant difference in the lives of all whom he met." 

Gosh reading over that again makes me cry. 

I sped home, luckily getting off work early, praying through sobs for Cassy Gruenther. I came home to my empty house and wept. My heart aches SO BADLY for this woman, for his family & for his baby that he never met... making her debut in 2-3 weeks. 

Again, I'm not sure why this cuts so deep for me... maybe because it hits so close to home? 

Maybe because I hoped, EVERYONE hoped for his safe rescue? 

Maybe because I pictured him, in my head, standing there next to his wife for the delivery of their first child in 2-3 weeks?

Maybe because I could so identify with his bio... a DG Academy grad in 2003... IP at Sheppard... got stationed in Aviano... and I could just picture in my head, all those amazing life events that they experienced, some of which Bill & I have experienced.... the JOY of graduating the Academy with a pilot slot, the JOY of getting F16's at drop night, the JOY of getting stationed at Aviano!! And ultimately... the JOY of announcing the life-change to top them all, the upcoming birth of their daughter?

Maybe because I'm sure, that day he left, was just like any other day that even I've experienced? A night training exercise with other pilots... just like the ones he's done SO MANY TIMES before? None of this deployment or combat zone or any of that... it was just a daily exercise?

Maybe because I can't imagine burying my husband & giving birth to my firstborn in the same week?

Maybe because I know SO MANY PEOPLE in the pilot community, fighters as well as others, & the thought of any of their wives aka my friends going through this same thing just kills me?

Maybe because my husband is, right now, gone on a mission & all I want to do is be with him?

Maybe because I try to put myself in her shoes?

And maybe I shouldn't put myself in her shoes. 

Or, maybe I should? 

Maybe I SHOULD realize the possible realities of having a husband who's a pilot.

Maybe I SHOULD truly grasp that life is fleeting.

Maybe I SHOULD empathize with my fellow military spouse - shed tears for her, offer prayers for her, feel her pain, imagine her loss & not let it happen to her without it affecting me. 

Maybe I SHOULD feel and honor the sacrifice that this woman has made by choosing this military life, having to bury her husband & give birth to her firstborn daughter in the span of a few weeks... a sacrifice I'm sure so many others have made before & unfortunately will make again.

Maybe I SHOULD fight to treasure every moment I have with Billy, making our times together - which will be fewer than most as the year rolls on - as special as they can be regardless of what may come. 

Maybe I SHOULD allow her loss, his sacrifice to cause a perspective shift by which I filter everything through, the good and bad times.

Maybe I SHOULD allow this event to cause me to hug my husband a little tighter & a little longer when he gets home from his mission in a few days. 

I'm scrolling through Facebook, seeing the many MANY posts from my fellow AF wife friends/Academy grad friends all raising a toast to the loss of their fellow pilot... knowing and appreciating the fact that, like me, they can truly, in a way, understand the WEIGHT of this loss. 

It hurts so bad. And I can't even imagine how much more it hurts for Cassy. 

For his parents, who had so much pride in their fighter pilot son. 

For his friends who were flying with him at the time of the event, who all hoped for his return. 

I guess it goes without saying that, I am truly, deeply, emotionally & wholeheartedly praying for Cassy and for his family. The verse that came to mind through this whole thing was from Matthew 5, it says "blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." 

May Cassy feel the overwhelming comfort and peace that only Christ can offer during this time of mourning. 

May Jesus be with the tiny baby that He's been creating in her womb, comforting that little baby girl and drawing her to Him even now.

May Jesus be glorified through this tragedy, somehow, as He is
- regardless of any and all tragedy -
a GOOD King.
An unshakable rock.
The chief cornerstone, the immovable foundation. 
The magnificent comforter.
The healer of hearts who always holds it all together. 
The peace that the world can't offer.

Praying for them & praying for every other Air Force pilot that I'm blessed to know. 

So many of which are such awesome, fun, fantastic friends.

May God continue to keep you all safe... and may God continue to keep your wives at home with the proper perspective... a perspective that cherishes you & trusts in Jesus. 

A toast to Captain Gruenther, an amazing person who sacrificed a lifetime with his daughter & wife in service to his country.

:::The Story of New Jersey:::

Of all the things in the world I need to be doing right now... I feel so compelled to sit down and write about my God and what He's done for us. 

I feel like my heart is about to burst. 

I am OVERWHELMED with thankfulness and amazed by His faithfulness throughout the past year. 

Ok - rewind about, 8 months. 

We were approaching our Drop Night... (you can read about that experience here) ..... the FAIP (First Assignment Instructor Pilot, meaning Bill & I stay in the dirty Del for four more years) jokes were coming at us headstrong.... and in my heart, I as SCARED. TO. DEATH. about the possibility of staying in Del Rio. 

Clarification - Del Rio, Texas is more special than you or anyone else thinks it is. 

I met some amazing people and honestly came to love and appreciate small towns in a way I never thought I would. I learned that I could survive without a Starbucks... or target or Chickfila or shopping in general. I

 LOVE living in a town where I could speak spanish any/all the time. 

I LOVED living on a teeny-tiny base, where you are guaranteed to see someone you know every time you leave your house. 

I MISS not having to sit in traffic, ever. 

It's a simple place that taught me to appreciate the simple life - a lesson few have the pleasure of learning.

This post is in no way meant to hate on Del Rio, because Del Rio has a forever special place in my  heart, so much so that I wouldn't even mind going back and living there one day. No lie. 

BUT. 

That being said... in general, Del Rio was an extremely dry year for us spiritually. The Christian community that both Bill & I had grown up in (one that we later learned, we had taken for granted...) you know, the kind with an incredible church that was involved with the community and youth group retreats and small groups and bible studies and people living this messy, broken life with people - that kind of thing. 

Slim to none. 

To the point where, we didn't even really find a church there. 

Now before all you perfect Christians start waving your judging little finger at us - we DID church-hunt quite a bit when we first moved there (to the point of tears - if we're being completely honest here)... & we just eventually came to the decision to do church every Sunday at our house... & we LOVED that. 

We live-streamed Northpoint Community Church from Atlanta, GA online every Sunday. Our best friends would come over and we would learn from the incredible Andy Stanley and we loved sharing that special time with them, I appreciated that so much & even still on some Sundays, wish I could teleport them over here and do it all over again with them (and their new precious baby boy addition!!)

Also, overall we met some really awesome Christian people, and towards the end of our stay there we started a Bible study with an amazing Christian family that we grew to love and appreciate & that I truly miss. This couple was a "veteran Air Force" couple who we respected and admired from the deepest parts of our hearts, we truly hope to be just like them and mentor younger Air Force couples when we're older as well. 

That being said: all of that was fantastic... and all of that I miss... but for some reason, despite all of that, we never got the deep, multiple people, small-group feel COMMUNITY that I think deep down we were longing for. 

Hardly any of the super strong, "raised in the church" Christian couples we met and would've liked to have grown close to, seemed to want to befriend us in that deep, life-giving/sharing way. And that's totally fine, not trying to knock any of them... but still, it was something I missed. And something I, we, were longing for. 

So here we were, weeks away from Drop, I was a nervous wreck to the point of giving myself a stomach ulcer (an embarrassing truth and lesson I've learned from) and I probably interrogated Bill with questions EVERY EVENING about the FAIP situation... "Have you heard anything?" "Did they make any more FAIP jokes to you??" "Have you gotten 'the FAIP talk?'" ---- needless to say, I WAS A PAIN TO LIVE WITH. Thinking about it too much made me sick to my stomach, and that's not an exagerration (I didn't even realize that was possible!!)

I remember crying to the Lord, on MULTIPLE occasions, including the drive to and from work, praying and even PLEADING with Him to please, PLEASE NOT have it be His will for us to stay there. 

I honestly couldn't do it another 3-4 YEARS.

I couldn't experience this "desert year" for another 3-4 YEARS. 

I couldn't do a live-stream church w/no actual CHURCH BODY for another 3-4 YEARS. 

Ugh, it hurt my heart so bad. I prayed and worried and made myself sick for a solid two-three months before drop came and as you can imagine, the week of drop I was like, insane. I hid it well (I hope) but my mind, my heart, my THOUGHTS just PLEADED with the Lord consistently and I thought about NOTHING else.

I knew He was good and sovereign and I knew if His will was for us to stay in Del Rio He would've provided that community for us that we were longing for in a second - He's good like that and He loves His children like that. He loves relationship and community. But still - I was heartsick to leave and move on and close that chapter in our lives. 

YAY DROP! It comes and goes and it is honestly one of the best nights of my life and I'm shaking from pure joy and adrenaline and 

IT'S OFFICIAL: GOODBYE DEL RIO & HELLO NEW JERSEY! 

It was in His plan all along.... the end of my "desert" as I could see it was in sight... we were moving on. 

OF course I googled the crap out of every church in New Jersey... google maps became my best friend & I made list upon list of every non-denominational church listed in the surrounding (aka 35-50 minutes) area of base. There were less ones that I had anticipated (of course, at this point I was only judging based on which church had the coolest looking website) but still - WE HAD MORE OPTIONS THAN BEFORE and I was excited. 

So we started praying for community. 

I prayed that the Lord would prepare a COMMUNITY of believers that we could really, be real with. I prayed that God would send us more incredible friends that we loved hanging out with, (because at Laughlin, there were only a few that we like, LOVED hanging out with) who love Him and pushed us closer to Him. 

Apparently... God hears prayers. 

We finally moved to New Jersey and are settling into our precious home. I'm excited beyond belief and we ended up meeting our sweet next-door neighbors one of the first few nights we're there... upon meeting, we find out that a) the husband was in the same squadron as Bill (apparently on a huge base, this can be rare to live right next to a person in your same squadron so HELLO Connection #1) 

b) They had lived at Laughlin previously as well for a few years (HELLO Connection #2) and C) They had lived on the EXACT SAME STREET as we did in Laughlin, just a few houses down!! (CONNECTION #3) Ah!!! Potential community & so many connections! We were in heaven as far as we knew it, felt so warmly welcomed by them & I immediately sent out some excited texts to our family to let them know about the awesome new next door neighbors God has placed there for us! So far, so good! :) 

Life continues, the house gets set up, I am unfortunately in the middle of the hardest math class of my entire life and statistics makes me a HERMIT for a solid month. I knew I was doing it to myself, since I hadn't really made any more of an effort to meet neighbors other than our sweet ones next door, so I just kinda rolled with it and didn't blame God too much for the LACK of community that I was feeling at that point. 

Then, it starts happening. 

Bill takes me to the squadron and I meet his squadron commander. He. Is. FANTASTIC. I got the believer vibe right away, he warmly welcomed me and told me to feel right at home, I loved him on the spot. THEN I met his wife - also incredibly amazing. They had been stationed in Colorado Springs and I found out had put their kids in the same amazing school I went to and graduated from - CONNECTIONS! I got the Christian-vibe from her as well and asked her if she was a believer and sure enough... then she proceeded to tell me that SEVERAL women in the squadron were firm believers as well... I was in heaven. 

Sure enough - met a beautiful one from Texas with three precious boys... they invited us to their church and then to their house for lunch after. We loved their precious little boys, and the lunch ended with them laying their hands on us and praying for us as we were starting this new phase of life in New Jersey. It blessed my heart so much. 

From there... the Christian community in the squadron exploded. I remember coming home with Bill one night and we were both in tears about how faithful God had been to place us in a squadron with so many believers. 

THEN.... the block-party happened. 

We had been in our neighborhood about a month when we heard about a block party at the park across the street. I was excited because this finally gave us a less-than-awkward way to meet our neighbors without having to randomly show up on their front step for no reason other than to say "Hi, I want friends." 

Saturday came and it started to rain... and I was feeling lazy and we debated not going. Because of the sudden storm, every time we looked outside at the park we only saw a few people, and we didn't want to go to a block-party that was a flop where we would have to awkwardly co-mingle with only like, 4 other people... so we almost didn't go. 

But God is smarter than us and made the sun come out and we ended up going about 45 minutes late... still no one was really there, and I'm pretty sure I mumbled under my breath to Bill how awkward this was about to be with only like, 3 other people, but we meandered our way over there and I put on my game-face and focused on meeting our new neighbors and remembering names. People started coming and it turned out to be a huge hit.

Of course religion isn't always the FIRST thing talked about in a new conversation with someone, but we ended up meeting a family with three beautiful daughters who invited us to sit with them, they were awesome. Believers, I could tell. We started talking and we were able to talk about how hard church hunting had been for us at that point, and we felt so encouraged by them. 

The rest of the afternoon was fun, and we ended up meeting a few other couples on our street who didn't have kids (which is RARE in this neighborhood.) They were all young couples too and we found out they were all believers too!!! AH! We met like, 8 neighbors who lived ON OUR STREET who were believers and who wanted to start a Bible study! No, I wasn't excited about it at all...

Next thing you know we hang out with these people and they are amazing. But there is one in particular I want to talk about.

Now, I've found that, regardless of how sociable I think I am, I'm not always good at pursuing other wives. In the military community, you know that MOSTLIKELY if you, as a wife, are sitting home bored out of your mind and there are other wives on your street doing the exact. same. thing. 

WHY NOT DO IT TOGETHER?

See that concept above... I'm not great at. I enjoy planning and am not great at the random visits, so I rarely pursue other wives even though I'd love to be friends with them. 

But thankfully, God is amazing. 

This girl I'm talking about, who lives up my street, just so happens to be IN-CRE-DI-BLE at that. 

She has been there for 3 months longer than I had at the time and knows everyone on the street. 

She is super spunky and sarcastic (which I like) and we hit it off immediately... and she starts pursuing me. 

To hang out, to go on runs together, to come to her Bible studies. 

Even if I turn things down, she still texts me the next day. (Rare, almost weird, right??)

Literally, I've known this girl for like, maybe 2 weeks, and she texts me and talks to me like we've been best friends since 2nd grade. I

t's INSANE. 

She loves Jesus and doesn't waste any time on small talk... she gets DEEP and REAL with me immediately and all of the sudden I'm telling her stuff I don't tell a lot of people and it just takes off from there.

Needless to say, I'm incredibly thankful for this friend. 

She pursued me, and pursued every other wife on our street, and because of her persistance, now WE'RE ALL friends and BAM - here's the Christian community I've been DYING for. 

Each of these girls has a fantastic, strong personality and I honestly feel like I've been friends with them for so long. I SO LOOK FORWARD to hanging out with each one of them and I am honestly overwhelmed with joy that most of them live on my street... (and I'm grateful for the ones who live in Falcon Courts North... you know) ;)

We all apparently love hanging out together and before I know it... I'm in FOUR Bible studies and meeting TONS of fantastic women who love the Lord and I'm having to turn down Bible study offers because it's too much for me to handle...... and I've gone from ONE EXTREME (desert) to ANOTHER EXTREME (heaven) and I'm overwhelmed with Jesus. 

So what prompted me to write this ridiculously long novel-of-a-story that no one will probably even get to the end of??

Today I'm babysitting the Chaplain's daughter (another AMAZING family who lives about 6 houses down from us... duh right?) and his wife comes to pick us up and we start talking and I invite her to the Bible study that I just started going to his morning at my next door neighbors house. 

We're studying the book of Malachi and I'm once again immersed in a room full of women and masks are removed and real, deep prayer requests are shared and we all laugh and literally cry with each other like we've been friends forever. I'm getting tears in my eyes as I think about it - it's literally unreal. 

So I invited this fantastic mom/Chaplain's wife to the study and she wants to come and asks me... "aren't you in like, a few other Bible studies?" and I agree with her about how I'm so (HAPPILY) overwhelmed because yes, I am in fact in THREE OTHER BIBLE STUDIES and she asks how I do it and I explain that I really don't know... but then I start to share with her about our time in Del Rio and how that was a dry, dry time for me with no community but how HERE.... this place is different in every way. How Bill & I have been praying for and LONGING for this and here it is and we're eating it up!!

Then she shares how last year, it was hard on her family and they didn't know many Christian neighbors on this street but how in this year alone, the neighborhood has EXPLODED with believers and she said she is so grateful because.... her and her husband had been praying for Christian neighbors. 

...

In case you missed that.... they had been praying for us. 

And for our brand new friends. 

And we had been praying for them. 

And for our friends. 

And I'm sure people all over our amazing lives had been praying for them and here we are.... in a completely different place... a few months later... where we're having to TURN DOWN BIBLE STUDIES because we have too many to choose from and people have been praying for us to be here all along. 

I'm insanely grateful. 

I'm in awe of my King. 

This type of community - the type where masks are stripped and struggles like addictions and marital problems are talked about and secrets like insecurities and eating disorders are shared and all of this done over a few beers or over lunch or in Bible Study with the girlfriends......... this type of community, where you get DEEP and REAL with people you've only known a few months... where Jesus is the shared interest and desire. 

This type of community is rare. 

This type of community is a treasure.

This type of community is literally life-changing.

This post is dedicated to my Jesus. 

He prepared this place, these friends, this home and this squadron for us. 

He KNOWS we are made for community. 

He KNOWS we are all messed up and that we get fixed BEST when we share our messy-ness with each other.

He KNOWS we should never be alone, and that life shared over a beer or a glass of wine with someone who really loves Him is a life worth living. 

I am overcome by His faithfulness... from the squadron, to our neighborhood, to the church we recently found and are getting plugged into.... the Lord's power has been SO EVIDENT in our lives and I can't get enough. 

I'm so thankful. 

And I just want to shout it from the rooftops. 

Community is where it's AT and it's not meant to be lived without. 

Here we go...

:::Living Proof:::

You know those times in life where you hear something old... in a new way... like it was the first time again and you wanted to just crawl into a secluded corner and ponder the old:new thing in your heart for hours? And hours? And... hours?

Yes? No? Tracking where I'm going? 

If you don't, maybe the name "Beth Moore" will help shed a little light on what I'm trying to explain. This post isn't going to be about Beth because first of all I'm sure she wouldn't care for it, which is another reason why she is so loved... humility is not something that escapes this wise woman with a mighty platform. 

However, the way the Lord used her to communicate to my heart in a new, fresh way was remarkable today. 

So, scenario. I found out late last night, Friday afternoon that Beth Moore was actually going to BE at the conference that I had previously heard about in Reading, PA.... before, I thought it was just going to be a simulcast of her preaching from another location... but NOPE - Beth was going to actually be IN PA... and Lord knows with us FINALLY living close to a place where amazing events like this come to (ie, a place that ISN'T Del Rio, Texas) I didn't want to miss it! 

So I rallied a couple girlfriends late last night - so random, so spontaneous, so fun - and convinced them to leave at 5:45am today to make the 2hr road trip to make it to the will-call office at the time it opened to hopefully snatch up some of the last few tickets! Yep... we were on a 2 hour road trip at 6am with only our teeny weeny HOPES of having tickets there waiting for us when we arrived... nutso. 

But it was fun. As you can see... :) My beautiful friends.

AND God knew what He was doing as He conveniently positioned us at the front of the line just in time to get tickets and front row seats!! 

YES! *Little victories... big grace!*

Again, this isn't about Beth because it never SHOULD be about Beth but it is COMPLETELY about what the Lord spoke to me today THROUGH Beth due to her obedience and willingness to reflect and direct ALL the glory back to Him... wow. 

She's a fast-talker with animated language and before I knew it I found myself taking notes like a mad-woman... here are some random thoughts that tugged on my heart I'm recollecting as I look over the chicken-scratch notes I took today:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"God didn't call us to 'fine' - He called us to 'faith.'"

"Do you want to live a miraculous life based on the supernatural provision of God, or do you want to live a humanly explainable life?" 

"Don't waste the harvest of failure... you will rarely have a better teacher than failure." 

"Faith faces the fact that there is no 'formula...'"

"If you got everything you need, you need a bigger life!" 

"Have you had your faith attacked? Attack back with your faith!!!"

"The Lord speaks; many, many women spread the good news." - Psalms 68:11 NET

"NEED is our invitation to the supernatural!" 

"You don't have everything you need until you are ABOUNDING in good works!!" 

"You may not be called to teach... but you ARE called to tell!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a few nuggets of truth from the weekend... these small snapshots of ideas don't do justice to the whole message but there is one in particular that I'm going to elaborate on:

"Faith trusts that every call to FORSAKE is a call to also TAKE!" 

Ah! Do you get that? 

Every time the Lord calls us to forsake something... whether it is jealousy, bitterness, unforgiveness, hate... He doesn't just call us to forsake it and leave us with a huge empty void! 

Everything the Lord calls us to forsake, He also calls us to TAKE!

What do we take to fill the void of the stuff He calls us to forsake? 

We TAKE joy, forgiveness, compassion... we TAKE UP His likeness to become more LIKE HIM! 

This brings such peace to my heart. This makes so much sense in my head.

I know this is somewhat random and I can't really put to words exactly what is stirring in my heart in head right now only that it's different. It's an old thing in a new way and I'm determined to F O R E V E R lean into it and pursue it. By "it" of course I mean HIM - His Spirit, fully alive in me, fully immersed in His word. 

I can't really go too much into it, but there has been a few things in my life that I came face to face with today as Beth was praying over me that sickened my stomach - eventually you have to come to a place where you look the enemy of your soul straight in the eye and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! 

That's where I am at today. 

Swimming, hardly keeping my head above water. 

Tired of fear that rules certain areas of my life. 

Tired of old habits that reinforce insecurity, shame and pain. 

Tired of living a life, supposedly called to freedom, while in chains that my Father holds the keys to! 

HE IS GOOD!

REGARDLESS OF CIRCUMSTANCE!

REGARDLESS OF HOW BAD WE ARE! 

HE IS GOOD AND HE GIVES HIS CHILDREN GOOD GIFTS! 

Ah. My heart is about to burst. Thank You Lord.

Anyways - I'm starting today and planning this road out with Him as my center. 

I've had quite enough of the shackles I've chosen to carry and am ready to release them. 

And I'm going to do it with a little help from sweet Beth herself... who made this incredible tool for us "shackled" to use to FIGHT with faith! It's right here -- I HIGHLY recommend you check it out! 

She calls it "The Great Forsake and Take" Book... it's a collection of compiled scriptures that deal directly with fear and help saturate your mind with truth over lies.

It is my guidebook for the next few months to combat these certain strongholds and I've never felt more capable or expectant of Him in this season. 

It's new... I love new... if you've ever read my blog before you KNOW how much I love NEW and once again, today is a new NEW for me. 

(Pathetic with the repetition? Perhaps. 

But I choose to take up a NEW self in Him instead of wallowing in my pathetic self. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.)

Alive - fully - living for His glory in His calling. 

With a renewed FAITH in the Son who is SO, so, so so so so so (times infinity) worthy. 

Trust in Him at all times, O people; 

pour out your heart before Him.

God is a refuge for us. 

Selah.

~ Psalms 62:8 ~

*Psst... if that link for "The Great Forsake and Take" book doesn't work, just go to blog.lproof.org and search for the post from September 15th, 2012. She has the book there for you :)

::: Better than Butterflies :::

Falling in love is a myth. 

Choosing to love is the reality. You don't "fall out of love" with someone... you choose to walk away.

- Pastor Carl Lentz, Hillsong NYC.

The truth of this quote moved my heart to the point of tears. I guess I'm just so obsessed with this topic - marriage - that perspectives like this one and several others really affect me. Inspiration... leads to writing.

First of all, I'd like to clarify something. I've had a few people that have read my blog express to me how it sounds like marriage is harder than they thought... how maybe it's something that they don't want to jump into.

Yikes! That comment made me sad & also wanted me to shed a bit of light on where I'm coming from when I write.

In response to these opinions, I'd like to say that yes... MARRIAGE IS HARD. It's one of the most challenging, refining, ugly-discovering things I've ever experienced in my life. YES it is hard and YES it's never something to just "jump into."

However, I like to blog because I like to write. I like to write because I process situations, ideas, events & perspectives BEST through writing. It allows me to sort out the good and bad and to see a clearer picture.

That being said, my blogs will always be just that... stories about the good and bad. I'm not going to sugar-coat it and I'm not going to pretend like my marriage or life in general is perfect because it is very far from it. I'm tired of society raising certain couples on pedestal's of "perfection" only to see them fall into the typical divorce statistic and leave the rest of us wondering... "how could this have happened?"

No. I'm keeping it real here, for my own sake more than others, and I'm hoping that THROUGH the ugliness, THROUGH the struggle, THROUGH the hard times... REDEMPTION, GROWTH, and PERSPECTIVE CHANGE are high-lighted more. My processing usually never dead-ends on a hopeless result, because in Jesus we are never hopeless!

My wish for whoever reads my blog is that they will be able to see the REALITY of marriage - both good and bad, at least from my perspective, to feel HOPE that hey, they aren't the only ones feeling like this after all... and to feel ENCOURAGED to grow and change... from ugly to beautiful.
Because that's what this journey is about... constant changing, growing, learning, seeking.

I'm not the same person I was two years ago when I wore white and walked down an aisle to my new forever... I thank Jesus for that.

That being said, in two years from even NOW, I DON'T want to be the same person I am today. There are still so many struggles, fears, insecurities, desires I want to continue to work through and surrender to Jesus.

2 Peter 3:18A says: 
"But grow in the grace & knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ." 

I love that... grow in the grace... 

So yes. That's what this blog is... a story of growing in grace... a journey to becoming a new, better, and WHOLE person IN Christ & in Him alone.
I PRAY that it will be more encouraging than discouraging... I pray that people who read it will perhaps be able to relate and process through whatever they're struggling with alongside me. That's my hope.

 Ok. Had to get that out there. Back to this incredible quote by Carl Lentz::::

"Falling in love is a myth. Choosing to love is the reality. You don't "fall out of love" with someone... you choose to walk away."

The weight of the truth of that quote was SO huge and is something I believe could completely CHANGE the nasty marriage statistics of today.

I've only been married for two years, but I can see the truth of this quote SO CLEARLY even through the hard times I've experienced in my marriage.

I'm convinced that marriage changes you... and it let's YOU decide which way you're going to change.

It can either make you more selfish, or less selfish.

It can either make you a better communicator, or a worse communicator.

It can either make you grow in faith, or become angry at God.

It can either make you a happy person, or a bitter person.

You choose.

I've had to make those tough decisions already, even this week. We got into somewhat of an ugly squabble, over something dumb and driven by insecurity... (are you as tired of this pattern as I am? If not, read here, here, here and here and maybe then you'll understand how pathetic I can really be...) and again I was faced with the decision of what type of person I want to be.

It's insane when I think about how different my life would be if I weren't married.
I mean, I doubt I would EVER grow, haha.
That's extreme, and I'm sure I would, but NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE have I had such tangible, in my face opportunities to:
1) Act Ugly
2) NOTICE IT. 
3) Decide which way I'm going to go with it.
4) Have the chance to make the right decision... and make it right. 

My friendships in high school hardly ever led me through this process of change.
And if they did, sometimes my pride would get the better of me and convince me to cling to it; stopping at step 3 & deciding that "well, guess I don't need you after all..." this produced maybe more distance or less intimacy in the friendship and sometimes that was fine because GUESS WHAT... I didn't have to crawl into bed with that person and wake up with them the next day for the rest of my life!!

Hello Marriage :)

I believe Step 3 is the stage that, **in most cases, leads to divorce.
What's so amazing/burdensome is that, it's completely in YOUR POWER.
YOU DECIDE. 
Just like Pastor Carl Lentz explains... "falling in love is a myth... choosing to love is the reality."

See, one day you'll wake up and the fuzzy's will be gone and the perfect flawless look you always had when you dated will be gone and the butterflies you get when he sends you a text will be gone and you ALWAYS NEEDING to be in contact with him throughout the whole day will be gone...

And that fresh "fallen in love" feeling you had, that you thought would/should last forever, will most likely be gone.
And Step 3 will maybe be the hardest decision you have to make. 

BUT - when your face to face with Step 3 and you choose:
humility. 
grace. 
compassion.
patience. 
love. 
forgiveness. 
or as my Pastor Andy Stanley says, "believing the best about that person..."

Here's what happens.
You get a deeper, more intimate love than I promise you have EVER experienced in any dating relationship.
I'm telling you, butterflies absolutely pale in comparison.
Because it's made of something REAL.
It's made from a DIFFICULT CHOICE.
It renews HOPE; you guys CAN do this.
It's wrapped in HUMILITY; I will ALWAYS consider you better than myself.
It's wrapped in GRACE; yes I FORGIVE you and I'm not going anywhere.
It's wrapped in TRUTH; til death do us part. 

It's been through the fire & come out stronger than ever.
Day in and Day out. 

THIS LOVE is worth letting go of the butterflies and flawlessness and perfection and silly expectations. 
It's REAL and it LASTS FOREVER. 

Isn't that what we all want anyways? A love that lasts forever.

Wow. I've never really written a blog before that made me cry until right now.
I'm literally typing these words and becoming overwhelmed with emotion because it MAKES SENSE and it TARGETS ME.
I guess I'm blown away by His Grace.
Apart from Jesus we can have NONE of this.
Because apart from Jesus we CAN'T truly love, have humility, show grace... because it doesn't exist outside of Him. 

I don't want a cheap love that works when everything is good and disappears when our TRUE SELVES (ie. the ugly, selfish, terrible souls wrapped in skin) come out.

Because we're human and we're imperfect and with as much as everyone always uses that as an excuse... in marriage, that fact is something easily forgotten.

We will face our "Step 3's" probably every single day for the rest of our lives... many times without warning. 
We'll be face to face in this sudden fight, sometimes out of nowhere, maybe terribly ugly and uncalled for... and we can DECIDE what to do.

You hold that power.
And if you're married, I really encourage you to decide today what type of spouse you are going to be.

CHOOSE to love, CHOOSE to forgive, CHOOSE to believe the best when all things point to the worst.
All these tiny decisions will either lead you to a real, true love that is better than butterflies... or to a divorce court. 
You have the choice. Fight for your marriage.



**I know that there are other reasons that lead to divorce; addiction, unfaithfulness, abuse to name a few... I'm really not trying to dismiss those reasons. The "Step 3" I'm talking about is made much more difficult in those situations, but what I'm referring to is when those aren't present and when instead you have as Dr. Eggerich's says, "two good will people." Just wanted to clarify that!