::Connections::

It's amazing how the Kingdom of God works. Connections, connections, connections, people.

Who would've thought that I would have a conversation over the phone with a girl named Britany Chaney who I heard about last friday at the Mill from a girl named Erin Conner who I met randomly a few months ago because she recognized me from some pictures of me and a mutual friend, named Jill Robshaw (now McCloghry), who I met about 5 years ago at a church retreat and who now lives in Australia!!
Who would've thought that this girl that I talked to on the phone.... (brought together through all these random connections of people separated by miles of oceans and miles of time....) would be used by God in my life right now and meet me right where my heart is at and encourage me closer to Him.

Ahhhh! So thankful to You, Lord!

Remember how in the last blog I mentioned how God had been doing a little work in me, and I'd explain after a little more refinement had taken place? Well, I'm still in the process of this "burning away the ugly," but I'm going to sort my thoughts out a bit and explain whats going on in my heart.

A few weeks ago, at the Desperation Conference, I was worshipping the God of the ages with Leeland leading the way, and I really sensed His Spirit and presence in that worshipful moment more than I had in a long more... )kinda like I had sensed it back in my highschool days... Wednesday nights at _tag.) (God bless _tag!)

Well it was in that moment of worship where I started to pray, what my old youth pastor Brent Parsley likes to call, "dangerous prayers."
You know, the "Lord, stretch me. Use me. Break me. Move me. Change my heart" type of prayers... very dangerous.
(Think about it. Those words basically instigate an invitation for God to roam freely in your heart, to the deepest darkest corners of your soul, and literally clean house. Very dangerous... at times very painful... but very worth the end result.)

So I stood there. Those dangerous words spouting from my mouth... me knowing the whole time what I was in for and praying for God to bring those prayers to pass and that work to completion in my life.

Well. Lets just say He's definitely been answering those prayers.
I've been noticing more and more ugly in my life that needs to stop being ugly and start looking more like Jesus.

So much insecurity... so much doubt and lack of faith in my God... so much selfishness in my relationships with friends and my family.... so much worry.... so much pride....

So much ugly.

It also hurts when you start to realize those things have probably been lurking around in your life for a while... but you just denied them or were too proud to notice and deal with them.

Those things in my life need to go, and I'm glad the Lord revealed them to me. They stand in the way of complete joy and security that I have in even KNOWING Christ.
They stand in the way of having the best relationships I possibly can have with my boyfriend, friends, and family.
The people around me know that I need to change the ugly... but whats so amazing, is that God shows me He loves me through the way people in my life love me! The way they are so patient with my emotions, the way they hold me, stroke my hair, and tell me they're not going anywhere. The way they love me is such a perfect parallel and representation of God's love for me. It's humbling.

I hate that sometimes I deal with so much insecurity... (insecurity that was maybe built up from a previous relationship or negative situation)... that I sometimes doubt and struggle with believing and accepting love from the people that love me, and that I love, the most. Sometimes I just straight up hate the way I look. Sometimes I find me comparing myself to other people... whether comparing the physical, personality, relationships, etc.... and its all in a negative way. Sometimes I struggle with trusting the people I love, the God that I love.

Worry has also been a constant companion to me over the past few weeks...
"Whats going to happen to my relationships when I go to YWAM?"
"What does guarding your heart actually mean? How do I apply that to my relationship?"
"How am I going to get money to fund my trip?"

I'm literally psychoanalyzing every situation to come, and trying to solve "future problems" in my life... before they even exist! (IF they ever will exist!)
It's honestly the most twisted method of guarding your heart any person could've ever invented.
Like, for instance, my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm already anticipating missing him terribly while I'm gone... and that anticipation alone makes me sad... TODAY... even tho he's still here with me. (??) Confusing? Ya I dunno.

I'm crazy.

But I remember praying to God that I wouldn't be a person thats driven solely on emotions. I want to be driven and live my life according to HIS truth... not my emotions or feelings or what I believe to be true of myself at the time.

My friend Sally Ward Knepper (A friend that I also randomly met through a connection with Jill... soo crazy...) :) emailed me earlier this week and what she had to say really touched my heart and blessed me with this situation I'm dealing with in my life right now.

"The Bible was and is and always will be true. We must believe what the Bible says about us above our thoughts and feelings. What I was experiencing were lies from the devil who was trying to keep me in bondage. We often feel and "hear" things that are contrary to what the Bible says, but if we decide to believe the Bible over our thoughts and feelings, we can conquor any problem we face...... It took me applying God’s Word to my life by believing what it said about me above my feelings. For the first time I was able to experience true freedom from my problems. And I have never gone back. Sure, the devil has brought old thoughts back to me to try to discourage me, but now I know the truth. I can laugh at those thoughts now because I know in my heart who God says I am is the only thing that matters."

TRUTH!!
I want to be so grounded in that.
I'm tired of worrying about whether or not I'm going to go through another break up and have another broken heart... whether or not I'm as pretty as my boyfriends previous girlfriend... whether or not I always have the right words to say in every situation that my friends or family might be going through....

I want to live my life as a woman defined by God. Created by God. Knit together by God. Serving God for the rest of my life.


Talking to Britany today was SUCH a God-thing.
Try to imagine how awkward it must've been to never have seen/met someone in person... only through a mutual friend that you haven't even seen in 5 years... but to hear about this girl and how she did a DTS and worked on YWAM staff for the past two years... email and tell her you'd like to talk to her about YWAM if she ever go the chance... have her email you back with her number to call.... you call her and introduce yourself over the phone for the very first time... EVER.... did I mention you've never met her before... and she lives in Hawaii and you live in Colorado???
Can you just picture the awkwardness??

Well. It wasn't like that at all. :) Ha.
From the get-go, Britany was sweet, and SO welcoming to me and any questions I had. We ended up talking for about 25 minutes or so... and you have no idea how much I was blessed through that conversation.

This girl has a heart for the Lord and for missions that did nothing but encourage me to chase after Him with everything that's in me.
We told each other a little about ourselves... she explained a lot of the YWAM world to me and what I should be expecting over those 6 months... I explained to her how excited I was and some of the stuff I'd been going through.... we laughed at the fact that we both have Billy's... :) .... and she just really spoke truth over my life.
God spoke through her in ways she probably doesn't even realize. She mentioned things that were so close to my heart... things like how she had "such a distaste for the ordinary life..." (!!!!!!!!) That is something I've been feeling SO strongly, it's insane!! God spoke that to me.
She encouraged me with Psalms 131 and Colossians 3:2... that is, setting my mind on things above. Trying to view life from a Kingdom perspective, an idea I've always known... but an idea that I really needed to be reminded of right now.

Ah. So many blessings. So much truth!!

So, we got off the phone, and I felt like I've known her forever. After sharing our hearts with each other, she prayed over me and my life and my relationship with Billy, and left me completely hungry to know the Lord better.

It's random situations like these that make me laugh at how funny, and SO IN CONTROL, my God is.

He knew I needed this.
He knew I needed to speak to someone who'd lived the life that I'll be living here in about 1 month, He knew I needed the encouragement.
He knew I needed a friend who would be able to relate with what I was about to get into, kinda opening the way a little bit and easing some doubts.
He knew I needed a friend who was walking SO in His will and who was in a hot pursuit of Him, who would encourage me to do the same.

He knew, He knew, He KNOWS!!
God is so in control!!
He knows whats going to happen with me and Billy.
He knows whats going to happen at YWAM.
He knows I need to change the ugly...

He knows, He knows, He knows!! (I should write a song.) He understands. He sees what I don't. He has His best intentions for me... and He will fulfill His purpose in my life!!

So, that means, I'll rest.
I'll let Him take this time in my life... this last month or so I have before YWAM... to refine me. To break me and mold me into something that looks a little more like Him. To prepare me for all He has for me over the next 6 months. I'll trust Him to do a mighty work of patience and trust in both Billy and I.

I'm excited for the end results:)

I'm so grateful I serve a real God who's not just a piece of wood or gold. A God who loves me. Who interacts and is so evident in my life. A God who holds me in His hands and will never let me go... regardless of how many times I fall... get back up... fall... get back up....

God is so good.

___________________________________________________________
Reading: "Pursuit of Man" - AW Tozer, Romans
Listening: "Desert Song" - Jill and Brooke Fraser.

::Updates::

I haven't written a blog in a while and I feel like writing one... so... here you go. :)



So. Let's start with some....

Weekly updates: One of my best friends named Laura finally came back on Sunday from 6 months of world missions with YWAM!! We picked her up at the airport and totally surprised her... it was basically amazing. :) (You gotta love PW airport surprises...)



I've been staying busy working 32+ hrs a week at the Credit Union. I love working here... but my last day is definitely on September 3rd... as I'm going on my own little YWAM adventure!! It's gonna be so exciting. I will be living in Honolulu for 3 months... and then somewhere else for the last three!! (I started another blog about it... where I will be updating YWAM info. Look into my profile for that blog!) I'm so excited... 6 months with absolutely nothing familiar except my Savior. Looking forward to the victories and struggles that are coming in that period of my life... it should be a very "growing" stage for me.



Um... so my best friend has been in Atlanta for the past couple weeks and I miss him so much.
:( I hate being away from him. This boy is pretty much the most amazing blessing in my life right now and I hate leaving him! Then I have to do it again for 6 months... Long distance relationship. I think that might be one of the hardest things I have to deal with while being away at YWAM. He's in the Air Force though, so I guess we just have to get used to it eh? We have to be patient and view this time as "practice" for our relationship... and embrace it as so.


God is teaching me a lot about myself. Some of its been very painful to face, some of it is really humbling. But I'm growing through it. And won't stop. But those topics call for another post... on another day. After a little more refining has taken place in my heart.

::: Peace-needy:::

I think it has just about everything to do with worry.

I hate worry. And doubt.

I wish I would just free myself from those things forever and live in this perfect, secure utopia... you always know whats up, whats down, and you never worry about those solid secure things in life ever changing and in turn, messing up that perfect, security.



Every decision you make in life is a risk. Some risks are so worth taking. Others aren't as much and leave you a very broken person. The risks worth taking might not even be considered risks at all if you come at them from the angle of fear, doubt, and worry. Constantly watching your every step and every move. Constantly "guarding your heart."

Honestly sometimes I hate that term.

But right now I must go... and resolve this issue later. I leave you with this though:

God is good. No amount of worry, stress, risk, will ever change the fact that He is in control. Jesus offers peace... not like the type of peace that the world gives... but supernatural, REAL, TRUE, peace that only can come from Him and that will leave you statisfied and in awe. Search it out. And know.

::In every season::

"All of my life,
in every season
You are still God!
I have a reason to sing.
I have a reason to worship!

I will bring praise, I will bring praise!!
No weapon formed against me shall remain!
I will rejoice, I will declare,
God is my victory and He is here."

THESE are the lyrics I've had in my head all day. Since watching my dear friend Jill McCloghry gave her testimony about one of the toughest times in her life, and then watching her STILL record the "Desert Song" on Hillsong United's newest album, I've been humbled and so grateful. Watch this:





Amazing no? It in a sense.... brought me back.

:)

I've been wading in this water of complete complacency lately. Not boredom, necessarily, but not "fired up" either. Just.... blah.
But it's been a GOOD blah in a sense...
(Ok I'm REALLY not starting to make any sense right now... let me try to explain.)

You know that time in your life when you're not really SUPER HUNGRY, but you still love Him and desire Him? You're just, complacent. Not striving, running after Him, seeking Him with your whole heart, but definitely still loving Him and keeping Him in a "close friend" range? (That is, talking to Him every once in a while, remembering Him, and still singing to Him whenever a worship song comes on your ipod.)

That's where I've been with God. Which, honestly, isn't at all where I want to be.
But the thing is that it's hard to REALLY seek after God, still always hungering and striving after Him, when everything in your life is going AMAZING!!

Stuff with family... altho a little tougher in June, has recently been awesome with parents working out a lot of issues. Granted, it's not perfect, (hello it never will be,) but it's definitely been a LOT better. Praise Jesus!

Things with friends has also been a lot better. It's so hard to have people in your life and you care SO much about, feel like you are too busy to give a crap about them. I think that's how my friends have been feeling recently because I really am so busy with work, it's easy to put them on the back-burner. But, that's not at ALL how I want important people in my life to feel. I love these girls, so so much, my friends mean so much to me and are such treasures in my life. I love them SO much and want them to know and feel how much I love them. So... I've been making more of an effort, putting aside more time to be with them and it's been awesome!!

ON TOP of all these amazing things... I've recently started dating this guy. (We'll call him Billy.) :) He's.... *sigh*..... amazing to say the least. He's made me so happy and really blessed my life. He pursued me (relentlessly.... and we all know how I feel about that. *wink*) from the beginning of our relationship, and has really been the leader of it ever since. He is constantly reminding me of how much he cares about me, and always makes me feel special. (SO SO special!) We have the most AMAZING time together, we could be driving in a car, taking a walk, or having a nice 2.5 hour conversation over chick-fil-a and have so much fun together just talking and being sarcastic. We just have fun! He's awesome. He swept me off my feet and I wanna keep him. :)

SO ya. Life's been awesome. I'm so happy. But I'm glad to be back. I have to continually learn to pursue the Lord actively.... whether I'm in a tough, needy point in my life, or on the top of the world!!
He's the most faithful, consistent person in my life.
Through every blessing I've received, He's the only one that stays.
Everything I am, and everything I wanna be, is to and through and for Him alone.
He's my rock.
He's my first love. I always want Him to sit and reign on the throne of my heart... regardless of how many extra people I let into it. :)

I want to constantly yield my life to Him, please Him in EVERYTHING I do, and never let my standard fall away from all He's called me to be.

Yes, I love being at needy points in my life, (to an extent of course.) I love being broken and SO in desperate need of Him. But at the same time... I love being happy!
But the thing is that in the happy times, when so many things are going right and it's easy to, not forget, but kinda put God on the back-burner.... its in THOSE times that I want to seek His face even more diligently.
The highs and lows.... the ups and downs.... the happy and sad.... He's still reigning on the throne forever and I still want Him to be on the throne of my heart forever and ever.

All of my life,
in every season,
You are still God!
I have a reason to sing.
I have a reason to worship!

Needless to say... I'm SO looking forward to worshipping Him at theMill tonight. :)

::It's a Mist::

I think every once in a while, you reach a point in your life where everything is crazy.



Everything is changing, for better or for worse. You're happy one minute then bawling the next, you're confident in yourself than in the same moment you're insecure, and nothing, absolutely nothing, seems stable anymore.

Change, confusion, frustration, worry, and shock are the only words that can seemingly vaguely describe how you're feeling and what you're going through.


I can recall a couple times when I felt that way, when nothing seemed to be going right. Just sad news... after sad news... after sad news, and you just feel, well, sad. :(


Don't you wish you're life had like, a gauge or something? "Only one sad event at a time."

When something bad happened in your life that made you sad, everything else would still be perfect and give you enough emotional strength to deal with that one thing until it was better.


Unfortunately, as you and I both know, life doesn't work that way.

When someone in your family gets in a car accident and ends up in the hospital, that doesn't mean everyone else in your family is "car-accident proof" until that person gets better. Your best friend could die in a car accident the very next day. And your favorite aunt could have a miscarriage the day after that. And your grandpa can die the day after that. And your cousin could get diagnosed with cancer the following week... the same day that your sister-in-law's brother died in another car accident. Then on top of that, you slip and break both your legs and have to be in the hospital in serious pain for a few days while your whole world seems to be crashing down around you...




Ok, I got sad just reading back over that list. I would never consider myself a pessimist, but for the sake of the point I'm trying to make.... can you see? Do you understand what I'm talking about?



Life is Fragile.



God wasn't lying when He said our lives are only a mist, here one day, gone the next.

That's a hard reality to grasp. So many times we take for granted the people around us, (people who we genuinely DO love a lot even tho we might not say it all the time...) and I'm slowly realizing that, life is fragile. Don't take the people around you for granted!! They could be here today, but they aren't promised tomorrow. And neither are you.

Sorry to run off on a little tangent. That's just whats been on my heart lately I guess. Anyways.


Right now I feel like life is crazy.

Some great things, some extremely sad things.

It's hard for me to get a good, solid grasp of my emotions right now, because they are running rampant and extreme. I've cried more in the past couple weeks than I have in a while... and that's crazy to me.


A friend dies, leaving behind 4 beautiful daughters, ages 14-4. (Ugh it kills me.) :(
Family problems that keep me on my knees, trusting God.
A best friends' family problems, that completely shocked me and broke my heart when I heard about them.
Missing a best friend/sister who has been gone for 5 months and not coming back for another month.
A friend at work's sister has a stroke.
An old boss that came to church with me for the first time in 4 years and is interested in coming back!
A best friend from high school gets married a couple weekends ago... tears of joy right there.
A possible job-change that might need to take place here pretty soon, and the pain that comes with looking for a new job.
Trying to be there for another best friend who's husband (who also is your friend) cheated on her after 4 months of marriage, leaving her pregnant with a precious baby that's due in October.
JUST finding out (literally 2 seconds ago via text) that my friend is having a GIRL!! :)
Finding out in the next week what my plans in September will be. Tons of friends just got back from leading over 1000 people in Africa to Christ!
Missing somebody a lot... even tho I just them a little over a month ago.
Seeing that person this weekend for the first time after 3 long weeks.
And Friday, I have a funeral in the morning and a wedding that afternoon... get this... at the exact same church.


Ahh. Sometimes I just don't know. Sometimes I just want so many things that I can't have and wish for so many things to happen that I know are not in my control.


I've never been the type of person to hide my emotions... in fact I probably wear my emotions on my sleeves more than I should. (Minus when I'm at work... I do a kick-butt job at hiding how I'm really doing at work if I do say so myself.)
And right now the emotions that I'm wearing could coincide quite easily with the ones I described before.
Really sad. Really hurting for some very dear people in my life. Slightly confused. Really excited for my best friend to come home from Europe. Really nervous about finding out about YWAM. Really loving summer and wanting to be outside all the time. Really getting tired of working... and trying to balance that with family and being there for my brother and sister and being there for my friends.


It's just been crazy! Crazy to say the least. I feel like I'm whining right now lol... and maybe in a sense I am. I guess "venting" would be a better word.


Life is crazy right now. So many things happening and I wish with all my heart that I could just FREEZE everything around me... and give my head and heart a chance to catch up. Just, clear my head and pray.


It's so easy in a season of life like this to get so caught up with everything thats going on around you, and feel like you're going 100 mph in no particular direction.


I don't know why bad things happen. I don't know why there can't be a "car-accident proof" gauge or at least something like it.

But here's what I DO know:

God is stable.
God is faithful.
God is comfort.
God is hope.
God is strength.

I know that no amount of chaos or confusion will stop Him from being completely sovereign still in my life.
I know that He knew that we'd face trials and problems of many kinds.
I know that Jesus Christ sits on the throne, ruling and reigning forever, giving us the ability to overcome our obstacles.
I know that even in the midst of pain and sorrow, there is hope. And hope does not disappoint.
I know that the Colonel for the first time in 6 months is completely healed and pain free. :)
I know that if Jesus wants me to go to YWAM... I'm gonna go.
I know that I don't need a "car-accident proof" gauge to bring me comfort when His arms are open wide for me 100% of the time.
I know that in times like these, it can be so tempting to get caught up in the emotion and just run on empty and be sad all the time.
I know that in order to prevent that, I have to surrender the fight everyday to Him and let Him switch burdens with me.


I know I can trust Him.


Whoa: Epiphany.


Go ahead and read over my last few blogs if you can.


...


Do you see a trend?


God has continually PROVEN Himself to be faithful in my life. Whether it be with relationships or family or those times when I'm just in a "whirwind of emotions." :)


He's faithful.
He's my rock.
I can cling to Him and He hasn't (and never will!) let me down!


Yes, crazy times come.

Yes, I've experienced deep confusion, pain, and sadness over these past couple weeks. And to be honest, the mourning isn't over after I write this blog, with still 2 days left until the funeral.


But what can keep me going? The hope that I have in Him. The hope that He brings. The hope that says He will turn my mourning to joy and my sorrow to dancing!


This has been really good for me. Just getting a chance to settle down my heart and refocus on reality... that is, He'll never leave me to do life by myself.



I can trust Him.


Yes I will be sad and have hard times. Yes I will feel like everything is changing in the blink of an eye and that everything I've ever known is unstable.
Yes, yes, yes.


But, it's like the thing that's covering all of those "yes's" is a still, small voice saying "Hey, I've got you Jo. I will never leave you alone. I will bind up your broken heart. I've caught your tears in my bottle. Come to me Jo, you're so weary, but I will give you rest."


_____________________________________________________________________

Listening: "Pure" - Kari Jobe (AMAZING SONG!) ::::: "Look to You" - Hillsong United
Reading: "Pursuit of Man" - AW Tozer::::: still in Romans :)

::Flying time::

OK.

Lemme tell ya, it's a really weird feeling when you watch one of your closest friends from high school (well, from 6th grade to be exact!) stand at the end of the aisle, gazing at his bride, completely in love and completely ready to make a sacred covenant with her and His God.

As I watched him stand there, tall, broad, and handsome in his tux, a few thoughts flashed through my mind.


The first being:

"... When did Daniel grow up?"

Honestly.
What happened to the little boy with glasses and a GPA of 6.9 who constantly cracked jokes non-stop? What happened to the little boy that I poured chocolate milk on all over in the middle of Mr. Leaf's 6th grade class? What happened to the little boy who I had house TPing wars with? What happened to the little boy who had a huge crush on our mutual best friend, and who I'd prank call at 11 pm and accidentally wake up his mom? What happened to the little boy who made fun of me relentlessly after I spilled orange soda on his new white carpet and tried to clean the stain with water and a red napkin? What happened to the little boy who called me sophomore year, after seeing how I was really down in the dumps for a week, and pushed me closer to God and helped me find my new "identity?" What happened to the little boy who was obsessed with guitar, basketball, God, and always said things like "Via Email" And "Spice it up a notch?"

*sigh*

Ok. After his wedding, I can honestly say I felt strangely... old. Ah.

Where did the time go? Am I really hitting the age where my peers are starting to get hitched? A few other friends who I graduated with, Mark and Wes, met me for coffee after Daniels wedding and they felt the same way: totally strange and totally old.

It's that day, June 7th, 2008 (06/07/08 if you will.) that I decided I didn't wanna grow up as much and as fast as I thought I wanted to.

Being at Daniels wedding was awesome and all, but it was also kinda sad for me. Watching him stand there, now grown into a real man, ready to provide for his bride, handsome, in love... was totally eye-opening. It's been amazing to see my dear friend grow and develop into the Man after God's own heart that he is today, but I honestly miss the old Daniel. The Daniel I could call whenever and he'd come and help me.
I mean, it's not like he's dead or anything. But he's married now, and just like I probably wouldn't like my husbands old "girl/friends" calling him every weekend to hang out... I'm sure his bride feels the same way. I totally respect that. But the fact that I respect that, doesn't make me miss the old days of just hanging out, me and my friend....

Time flies. No doubt about it. And with that said, I decided I'm not going to be so obsessed with my wedding day and for the future and what not. Don't get me wrong, I'm still stoked out of my mind to find my prince and marry the man of my dreams! I'm still going to pray for him non-stop and write letters to him and probably day-dream about him all the time... :)

But on the same token, I'm going to enjoy my life now, as a young unwed girl. I'm going to take these next few years to become fully alive in God. I'm going to stop wishing my life away into the future and seek all that God has for me today. I'm going to dream big and try to mesh my dreams into His dreams for my life. I'm going to enjoy this time with my friends and grow & cherish my relationships with both guys and girls. I'm going to cover my future husband and kids in prayer, trusting God that He holds that part of my life in His hands, and will make all of it happen in His beautiful, perfect timing. :)

Don't rush it. Live each day. And as they said in one of my favorite new movies, Kung Foo Panda:

"Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the 'present.'"

:)

________________________________________________________
- Listening: Coldplay - "Viva la Vida" & "Violet Hill" (Good stuff.)
- Reading: "Pursuit of Man" - AW Tozer... (given to me by my dear friend Mark for my birthday.) :) :::: Romans.

::Paradox::

Recently, my emotions have been nothing less than a whirlwind of craziness. God is doing some pretty weird stuff in my life that leaves me wondering outloud. In the past few days I've experienced extreme fatigue, happiness, sadness, "twitter-pated-ness," guilt, pity, romance, and pure joy. I'm so confused... more than I've been in a long time. :(
I wish life didn't have to throw so many curve-balls. I wish it just always made sense, always stayed steady. I wish I could close my eyes and know in my heart which step to take next. I wish I wasn't always such a sucker for a guy that pursued me relentlessly... and I wish I could be strong enough to let my head and my heart be in agreement before I make my next decision...

Don't get me wrong, I have a weird peace that everything will turn out right. It's not the same huge restlessness in my soul that I had about a month ago when I was breaking up with a guy that I really liked. That time was a really sad time in my life and I was frustrated and confused and kept playing the "what if" and "if only..." game. (P.S. That game is nothing short of suicidal.)
The feeling I have right now in my heart is such a paradox. I'm happy... but sad. I'm excited... but feeling slightly guilty. Why? I don't know.

I've realized SO much recently how much of a blessing it is to have good, solid, honest, amazing people in your life to speak truth over you when you're not in a healthy enough of a position (emotionally) to think for yourself.
My parents have been a real strength to me in the past few days. They're both so open and honest with what they think I should do in relationships and life in general. I love them and cherish them so much!
My best friends (well... the only ones that currently live in the same state as me) have also spoken truth over my life. Tara and Lauren have helped me see things clearly and in a different perspective than the one I'm currently viewing life in... which honestly is a really really good thing. I tend to analyze the crap outta stuff and think in an extremely impulsive manner... so it's good when my best friends can bring me back to reality and point out different events, character traits, actions, and faults in my life that I need to change or fix.
There have also been a few new Godly guys in my life that I know I can run to for advice. My friends Mark and Tony could definitely fit into that category. It's always important for any girl to have a good, Godly guy who is pursuing the Lord to speak truth into your life as well and give you really good advice from a guy's perspective. (Extreeemely important.) :)
These people have really blessed my life, and it's easy for me to open up to them because I know that they will love me regardless of my struggles or decisions. They love me unconditionally... and they show that in the way they respond or give me advice and help me throughout my situations. It's amazing and I couldn't do life without them!

So yes. If you're one of those people who likes to clam up and pretend that everythings' ok and hold all your emotions inside... you honestly should stop as soon as possible. It's not healthy. You can't think straight when you're feeling 10828 different things in 3.8 minutes. Really, I've tried and it's not possible. Find somebody that you love, or at least somebody that loves you, and tell them whats going on. Drop the pride and open up. Mostlikely, that other person doesn't have 10828 things going on in their brains like you do... so they can offer a little more clarity in your situation. :)

God put people in your life for a reason... don't try to do life without them.


ALSO::
Pray for Steven Curtis Chapman... (the singer that I quoted a whole song from a few blogs back.) A recent tragedy occured in his family, where his son accidentally ran over his youngest daughter in their driveway and killed the beautiful 5 year old Maria. :( I cried when I found out.... breaks my heart. So remember to cover their family in prayer... may the King of comfort be nearer to them now than ever before.... :(

"Trust in the Lord with all Your heart... don't rely only on what you think you know. Acknowledge Him in everything you do and He will direct your path..."
- Prov. 3:5-6

::Randomosity::

It is so beautiful today. The promise of rain hangs over the mountains and yet the sun still manages to peek through the clouds and light up the wonderful Suburbia... Colorado Springs. :)

"Good morning Sunshine... the earth says
hello!"

I am sitting at my computer at work and felt like blogging, so I'm just going to warn you this will probably be a little random. Right now a fellow teller, who's name will not be disclosed for security reasons... (*coughCorissa*cough*) just came and squirted water on me. Very professional and very business-like no? NO!!



Buaha... anyways. :) Back to the subject... which honestly is nothing. Just random. Randomosity. I like that word. Dang it, now Corissa is trying to notarize me. Ugh. She drives me crazy sometimes. And the funny thing is she is reading this over my shoulder RIGHT NOW as I type... what a geek head. Ha! :)



Oh shoot now she's crying....

my bad.



Hm what else should I write about. Well Tony, a fellow blogger and dear friend of mine, wrote this awesome story in his blog. Go read it, serioulsy. It's good stuff.


Um. Um um um.... I wish I could write a story right now. But I can't because I'm so scatter-brained at this point in time that it's not even funny! I never would consider myself ADD, but last night I went to Chick-fil-a with a new friend who is EXTREMELY ADD... (diagnosed even)... and apparently he rubbed off on me. :) Ha! Funny story about my new friend... turns out him and I are basically the same person... (minus the music deal - which to be honest is a BIG deal... *sigh* too bad eh? I guess we're done.) ... but anyways yeah we are the same person. Different genders of course, but the same person nonetheless.



I LOVE meeting new people. I LOVE meeting them and sitting at chick-fil-a for 3 hours talking to somebody who is funny and cool. I LOVE the feeling of knowing that you and the other person could have probably stayed talking for another hour if it wasn't for the fact that they needed to catch a flight in Denver... Oh such as life. :)



And today, I'm just a work. Sitting here. Giving people money, (only those who ask politely of course....) eagerly watching the clock as time ticks closer and closer to.... 5 pm. (!!!!!) The golden hour. The hour where I can peace out and NOT lose my job in the process. (That's the catch.)



Life is pretty great right now.

School is out for the summer, and now I'm working a lot more.

My family is doing great and staying busy as always. Just had lunch with my mom and dad today and enjoyed that for sure:)

My best friend is home from college for GOOD from New York City... and the fact that she lives right next door to me makes her living in the same state twice as nice. :) She's been my best friend since 6th grade... and altho she was gone this past year going to school in the Empire State Building... the kind of friendship we have is the kind where we can just pick up RIGHT from where we left off. :) The best kind of friend to have!

My other best friend is now out of her foot cast and ready to go hiking with me. (!!) Being the only one in the same town as me for the past 5 months... she is getting so close to my heart (even closer than before) and showing me so much about God's love. I'm literally falling in love with this girl! (lol not really but you know) She's amazing and such a great great friend!

My other best friend is still living it up in Minnesota, falling more and more in love with Jesus everyday and encouraging my heart more than she'll ever know. This girl is LITERALLY captivated by the living God... she lives, breathes, dances to, and falls in love more and more with Him. SO encouraging and such a blessing. :)

My OTHER best friend is traveling the world... probably somewhere in Beijing or North Korea right now... telling people about my main man Jesus. She's doing this thing called YWAM (Youth With a Mission... which is what I'm planning on doing in September!!!) and she will be returning to me in 2 months and 5 days... (AND COUNTING!!!!!) :)



A lot of stuff going on in the "relationship department" has recently been resolved and now we're just working towards a strong, solid friendship. Which is really nice. :) Not many people I know can break up with somebody and still be friends, get along, and have a lot of fun hanging out together. What a blessing! God is so cool...


Ok. Seriously I'm done. I don't know why I even started to be honest... lol. Oh well. Hope you enjoyed my scatter-brained-ness....

::Rain::

RAIN.

:)

I love it. (loveloveloveit)

Today's weather could easily be classified as "the first rain of the year."
FINALLY!
It was beautiful. God started making it last night... and was kinda even showing off a bit! (what a big show-off huh?) :)
As I stepped out of my car getting home late last night... I quickly became addicted to the fabulous smell of rain that hung in the air. I sat on my front porch for a little bit, gazing at the storm in the night sky, and finally began to realize how magnificent lightning actually is.

Picture this: 10 pm: A pitch black sky that was COVERED by thick, dark, rainclouds... rainclouds that could only be seen when illuminated by the flashes of lightning streaking across the sky. Random bursts of pure light in a thick, dark, blackness. Soooo humbling...

I love rain.
The smell, the feeling. The fresh and cleansing vibe it gives. The romance of it all. (After all... there's nothing like kissing in the rain...) =)

Have you actually ever really danced in the rain? So many people say "Oh my gosh I LOVE LOVE LOVE dancing in the rain..." yet I bet you if we took a poll about 30% of those people honestly HAVE actually danced in the rain. (lame...)

My best friend Lauren lives next door to me, and last summer during a lovely light rain storm, I called her up and we met outside on the sidewalk SMACK DAB in the middle of our houses... and danced.
No music.
No anything really.
Just me, my bestie, and pouring rain.

...

needless to say it was magnificent. It was my first time and I guarantee you NOT my last. It was totally "free-ing." (Is that a word???) Dancing in the rain is everything it's worked up to be. Try it sometime. Honestly, go outside, let your hair down, feel the cold, wet pavement beneath your bare feet, and really try it.

Hmm... totally random today. Just some thoughts. A little "Ode to Rain" if you will.... :)

::Reflection::

Dear World.
This is so weird.
So... just to jump right into the oddity that has recently occured... I've heard the same story twice in a span of one week, and I'm beginning to think I need to bend my life around it. I first heard it Monday night at a meeting called FCA, a girl was giving her testimony and included this story to help describe what God had been teaching her. It was pretty benthic.
THEN.
This morning, as I'm sitting at work, the CEO of my company, who is also like a second father to me, called me up and asked to see how I was doing as he had just heard the news of some recent events that have taken place in my life that might give me reason to be sad... and as I'm sitting here, on the computer, at the beginning of my work day... he shares the EXACT SAME STORY with me!! :)

God is so funny.

So. I felt like blogging it out and sharing my heart. Basically the story goes something like this:

There is a Christian writer who calls up
this Blacksmith and wants to see how he purifies silver and
gold. At first the blacksmith declined, but then finally agreed to let
this writer in on the procedure. The writer goes in to observe the process and is amazed at what he discovers:
First, the blacksmith took the silver and
put it in the hottest part of the fire. The writer observed as the
blacksmith kept it in the hottest part of the fire for quite a little while. He then asked the blacksmith when he knew the silver was completely purified and could then take it out of the fire... and the blacksmith replied, "I know the silver or gold is completely pure when I can
see the reflection of my face in it."

...

Ok so my story-telling skills are not far off from completely lame... and I wish you could hear this story being told in person... but regardless, it really touched me. I hope you can maybe see the parallel in the way God sometimes relates to us. Sometimes we may feel like God might be putting us through "the hottest part of the fire..." and it sucks. It hurts. It's painful. Maybe physically; maybe emotionally.
It can leave us questioning God.
It can even leave some in a state of being really angry at God.
Why would He do this to me? How could He let this happen? What did I do to make God angry at me?
...

All the while He's just up there, locking His gaze on us moving, pushing, polishing and refining; dying to see His reflection in our lives. He wants us to be like Him. He wants us to conform ourselves into His image. I love that. :)
So the whole time we're down here, wallowing in our self-pity, feeling lonely, depressed, upset, and completely helpless. God's up there, His hand fully on us, guiding us, holding us, changing and conforming us into the people He wants us to be.

And I can promise you... the outcome is better than our current state. (Pinky promise.) :)

So ya. Life's confusing right now. I'm horrible at remembering that I don't know what the future holds... will never know what the future holds.... and knowing in my heart that it's probably better that way.
But it's ok. I wouldn't say that what I'm going through in my life right now can be compared to something like the "hottest part of the fire..." but it definitely is a struggle for me. It's something that could definitely be considered a burden and is something I hate having to deal with.
But it strengthens me. It grows me. It leaves me more dependant on God than if everything in my life was perfect. It keeps me *needy*.... which I'm discovering is a place I always want to be in my life.

I was sitting at work today and started writing this on a piece of paper. Its pretty much just a bunch of Bible Verses - promises if you will - that are all bundled into one little heart-cry. :) Here's what I wrote. And I decided I'm going to continue doing this... because when you put the verses together it becomes more than just words you can recall from memory, but it becomes actual TRUTH and flows and can really become what your heart really feels! Amaaaazing:)

Dear Lord,
I'm going to trust in You with all of my heart.
I'm not going to lean on the things that I understand.
I acknowledge you in everything I do, and trust in You alone to direct my path because You know the plans You have for me.
You plan to prosper me, give me hope, a future, and keep me away from harm.
You've given me all I need for life and Godliness, and You will fulfill Your purpose for me.
You give me the desires of my heart as I delight in You.
You will never leave me or forsake me.
You lift me high on wings like eagles as I wait on You.
You are my strength and my shield.
You hide me in the cleft of Your rock and I can rest under Your wing.
You knit me together in my mother's womb and know the number of hairs on my head.
You think about me more than the number of stars in the sky, and have formed me in Your image.
Your banner over me is Love.
I receive everything I need when I first seek Your Kingdom.
You can move mountains, walk on water, and overcome sin and are mighty to save.
My soul finds rest and peace in You alone, Lord, and I rejoice in the fact that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor demons, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other thing can EVER separate me from Your love. :)

*I'llbeback*
_________________________________________________________
Listening: "Hide and Seek" - Imogen Heep//// "Holy" - Jason Morant (a new favorite...)
Reading: "One thing you can't do in heaven" - Mark Cahill. (A book about evangelism... pretty good stuff.) "Pursuit of God." - Tozer. (I can read this book over and over and over again...) Romans, 1 John.

::A Little Longer::

...

MAY 1ST?!?!?!
ALREADY?!?!?!

Dang. Time flies when you're alive. It's amazing.

So. It's May first... and it was basically a blizzard outside today.

Unbelievable.

I love the place I live... but can really do without the loooooooooong winters. The random blizzards during the months April - July. They kill me.

But this past Tues, I was able to get together with a long-lost friend of mine over lunch who had just gotten back from doing a 6 month YWAM mission in New Zealand and Nepal.

It was really nice to get together, we went up to one of my favorite places on the side of the mountain... a place where I can overlook the city and "dangle my feet..." =) .... and talked about God and life and how we can make those two things merge as much as possible and as evidently as possible in our lives.


As I begin to talk to Mark, I was amazed in seeing how much God has grown in him. We've been friends since freshman year of high school, not necesarily best of friends or even friends that saw each other a lot... but we kept in touch and have known each other for a while.

He's you're typical reserved, introverted guy sporting the "hot surfer" style. Long, shaggy bleached blonde hair, really athletic and good at soccer, extremely smart and top five of his graduating class of 500+, very cynical, extremely sarcastic, and absoutely OBSESSED with photography, hiking, and God's creation.

He's the type of guy that doesn't stay in one place for very long. I'll randomly call him up one day and I'm like "Mark, where are you?" and he's like "Hey Jo. I'm in Africa." or one time, this was probably one of my favorites, I called him up and this is how the conversation played out:

-------------------------

"Hey Mark! How's it going? Wanna hang out soon?"
"Hey Jo! Well, I would... but I'm in Durango."
"Oh cool. What are you doing there?"
"I'm living here. In a tent by a river."
".... are you serious?"
"Ya."
"Whoa. Why?"
"Why not?"
"Ok sure I guess. So you live in a tent?"
"Yep."
"What do you do all day?"
"I got a job as a server at a restaurant."
"Wow. Where do you shower?"
"In the river."
"... wow."
"Ya. It's cold. But great. I've been out here for a month."
"A month?"
"Ya."
"How much longer are you staying there?"
"Until whenever my dad is thinking of coming down to get me. I only have my bike out here."
"Woooow."

-----------------

That was probably one of my favorite conversations. I told everybody I knew that I had a friend who was living in a tent on the side of the road in Durango, working as a server, and showering in the river. Ha!

It doesn't end there tho. Mark's biked across the state of Colorado, hiked almost all the 14ers in Colorado, gone to Africa to do the "World Race," gone to New Zealand and did a back-packing missions training where he then went to Nepal and back-packed in the mountains for 2 months. He hikes up 14ers in his ski boots, just to ski down in like 30 seconds. He's constantly somewhere totally random... like last week he caught a ride up to Vancouver Canada and spent a few days there. (Why? I'll never know.) Anyways. This is my friend. And I've always admired how obsessed he is with Nature and how I can call him any time and he'll mostlikely be on top of a huge mountain being with Jesus. :)


I love having friends like that. I love having friends that are obsessed with something amazing, and bend their lives around it. So anyways I hadn't seen him for a good 10 months as he had been gone in New Zealand and to the ends of the earth... so catching up was good for us. Really good. He talked about God and how He'd become SO real to Him. How he'd realized God is more than just something to be intellectually grasped. He told me he realized that the one thing more important than "Doing" God's work is actually "Being" with God Himself!! (I called it the Mary/Martha concept.) :)

That's huge! And so true! So many times we get caught up with doing things for God and going and going and going, and we miss out! God's just up there going, "Jo! Stop for like, 5 minutes, be quiet, and just be with me. I think it's great that you're doing this and this for me, but you have to remember what I want most is to just be with You!"

There's a song that this girl, Jenni Johnson, wrote. It's called "A Little Longer" and here are the Lyrics:

A Little Longer - Jenni Johnson

"What can I do for You? What can I bring to You? What kind of song would You like me to sing? I'll dance a dance for You, Pour out my love to You, What can I do for you Beautiful King ?

Cuz I, can't thank You enough. No I can't thank You enough."

Then I hear You sing to me...

You said "You, you don't have to do a thing. Won't You please stay here with me, in love with me a little longer." He said "Wait, this moment is too sweet. Just please stay here with me and love on me a little longer... I just want to be with you a little longer.... because I'm in love with You."

:)

That's so nice. I love the God I serve.

So Anyways. It was a really nice talk. Sometimes we just sad there, dangling our feet in silence for a moment or two, just enjoying the sunshine and staring at God's amazing creation. Other times, we had pretty in-depth conversations with each other and then with God as we prayed together for each other. Good, quality time with a dear brother of mine that has an overwhelming desire to keep God on the throne of his heart.

Well as we were talking, we both realized that we're in the waiting room of our lives: with nothing to do but sit, listen, and see what God's plans are for us. Mark is torn between going up to Boulder and getting a degree in engineering, or going and helping at this YWAM base in California for the rest of the summer... and I'm torn between doing YWAM in the September in Honolulu, or just staying here and finishing up school for another year. I'm definitely leaning toward the former... praying a lot about it and waiting to see where God leads me.

I hate waiting rooms. I even in fact at times will arrive to the Doctor's office a few minutes LATER than my actual scheduled appointment, JUST to get in there right on time. I hate having to "fakely" occupy myself for a good 5-10 minutes, reading a dumb health magazine that everybody else in the room knows I'm not at all interested in. I'd rather just check in and go in. That's the way I like it. :)

But, to my amazement, God is continually showing me that I don't always get things done the way I like them. Basically... it's not about me, people. *GASP!* Oh... I know. I had the same reaction.

But it IS about God. It IS about loving Him with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. It is about putting Him on the throne of Your heart and keeping Him there. It is about submiting your plans, time, money, and LIFE to Him day in and day out. It is about loving other people enough to want to see them in Heaven. It is about overcoming sin and Satan's hold on your life... living victoriously in Jesus. It is about being in constant communion with the Holy Spirit, allowing Him to speak to you and guide you in EVERY SINGLE LITTLE decision you make. It's about standing on your tippy-toes... desperate to hear His voice. It is about loving people. Doing life with people. Picking up your cross and carrying it everywhere you go. It's about being Jesus to people. That's it. :) Live it!

::"Blog it Out" he said::

"... It'll make you feel better."
(oh... he knows me so well.) :)

So here I am "blogging it out."
I truly do feel better than I did when he spoke those words to me. Time heals much I suppose... although I do find myself pretty sad from time to time. A sudden, random burst of tears every now and then to remind me that all I really need is God and to bring me back to the place of absolute trust and dependence on Him.
As Aaron Stern said, it's keepin' me needy. I like that. :)

God, I wanna be needy...

So. This is what I'll forever be. Needy. Being slightly vulnerable, but not too vulnerable to all you crazy pedophile's that stalk people on the internet. (Not a fan of any of you crazies at allllll....)

Ok this is so random.
Let's narrow it down a bit.
Topic: Life. (verrrry narrow.)

Well it can be a little narrow in my situation today. Recent changes have occured that leave me wondering, doubting, but clinging to Him and trusting Him moreso than before. Back to my knees again I suppose. Back to the reality of my life.
Bottom line:
God is so amazing.
He has given me so much, and when I feel like I don't have everything I want... he's showing me that I'm ok without... and gaining character in the middle of it.

I know that God sits on the throne forever, ruling and reigning in every area of my life.
I know that Jesus saved my life and that He loves me with a love that never fails.
I know that the Holy Spirit is alive and will guide me and comfort me in every situation and circumstance.

THAT, right there, is absolute truth. And I will always bend my life around that truth. No matter what.

I made the decision a long time ago to follow Jesus. I'm done being me. I'm done having worries. I'm done doubting. I'm done being anxious and I'm done pretending like I can daydream my future into reality. I'm done with that.

I'm ready to trust God. I'm ready to lay my life down and serve Him. I'm ready to find out His calling for my life and obey. Whatever the cost. Whatever the amount of tears. Whatever the uncertainties or "dashed hopes." Whatever the "spiritual highs" and the times when I feel I can do it on my own....

It's so hard being a place in life when you're dreams or plans don't really seem to mesh with His. The desires of my heart at times don't seem to line up... and I'm not gonna lie, it's a difficult thing or me to surrender sometimes.

-- It's hard fully grasping the reality that God's timing isn't always my timing.
-- It's hard trusting in the reality that God's timing is actually better than my timing.

But one thing I know for sure is this:
I know that I would rather have what He chooses more than anything else in the world.

"God it hurts to give you what I must lay down,
but when I let go - freedom's found.
God it hurts to give you what I've held so dear,
but because of Your love, it's clear:
I can trust You with this.
I can trust You with me.
I can trust You."
- RSJ

Truth is: I'm excited for life right now.
In the midst of these changes and unknowns... I'm really excited. :)
In the midst of the doubts, I find peace. :)
I'm right smack dab in the middle of God's will... and I'm gonna rest in it.
:)
____________________________________________
Reading: (still) "Pursuit of God" - Tozer *soogood*//// "Passion and Purity" - Elisabeth Elliot.
Listening: "All I need is You." - Hillsong United ///// "Take my Life" - Chris Tomlin

:: ... Let's talk about love::

I know what you're thinking. "Oh boy. The 'L' word. Here we go...."

Well ok then. Let's go. :)

Ok so I'm just gonna set the stage by stating the this whole idea of love is a big deal. Probably, the biggest deal if you think about it long and hard enough. And yet, it's amazing to me how something so vital and so important to the human soul, something that has been made perfect and can heal and cover anything... can be so manipulated, twisted, and perverted. I'd have to give those props to Satan I suppose... actually props might not be the right word now that I think about it... (I take it back.)

Anyways.

Welcome to the world.

Since we're living in it now, let's go ahead and take a look at the worlds' definition of love... (and what better way to find out what the world thinks than:::: google.) :)

If you google "love," this is what you will find:

- First, a picture of a big fat red heart (Accuracy people) and a picture of two people kissing. (true love.)

- Next, is a bunch of random college students (who think they know everything about everything)'s definition of love (aka... wikipedia.com) Stating, and I quote, "Love is any number of emotions and experiences related to a strong sense of affection." (... interesting.)

- And finally, my favorite, a link that says "The Love Calculator" - an online "calculator" that calculates the chances of a successful relationship between you and another person. (Welcome to 2008 people.)

... So there you have it.

Of course, since google is just oh-so amazing, there are thousands of pages that can connect you to even MORE sites about true, wordly, Americanized love: Online Dating, the LOVE nightclub in NYC, quotes and poems about love, "wikihow - How to Love," lovetests, and I'm sure you can even find a nice porno site in that search somewhere.

But... it doesn't end there.

Turn on the radio, any time of day to any station, and I GUARANTEE you you will hear a song that has something to do with love (or loss of love); whether it's NeYo singing about how he lives because of you, Taylor Swift singing about the teardrops on her guitar, Kelly Clarkson singing about how life is great since you've been gone, Rihanna singing about how you can stand under her umbrella, Donna Lewis singing about how she'll love you "always forever," and the Beatles belief that, "All you need is love..."

So according to these general observations... apparently "love" is something our society is, for lack of a better word, obsessed with. People sing about, write about it, want to learn about it, are constantly looking for it, and in a sense, can't live without it. People need love. It's that simple. However... we'll have to clarify the definition of love a little bit.

So... is love a feeling? Is it just an emotion like everything else; anger, sadness, joy? Can you technically "make" love? Does that imply that love is just sex and nothing else? Or is it bigger than that? Is love the feeling you get when you have 2083 butterflies flying around in your stomach?

Well, I'm sure some may say it's a feeling. I'd like to believe it's a little more than that.

Some say "Love is a Verb." (Actually I think it was just DC Talk who said that... but I can see where they're coming from.)

I've also heard different things about love, from some place other than the secular society:

• Love is patient, and always kind.
• Love is NEVER envious, never boastful, never proud, rude, or selfish.
• It keeps no records of wrongs. (Wow thats huge.)
• Love doesn't delight in evil but rejoices in TRUTH.
• Love always protects.
• Love always trusts.
• Love always hopes.
• Love always perseveres.

Another way of putting this (from the Message Version) is:

• Love never gives up.
• Love cares more for others than for self.
• Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. (wowww.)
• Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others.
• Love never says "me first."
• Love doesn't fly off the handle.
• Love doesn't keep score of the sins of others.
• Doesn't revel when others grovel.
• Love takes pleasure in the flowering of truth.
• Love puts up with anything.
• Love trusts God always. ****
• Love always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.

.... I like that. :)

I think it's so sad that love - true, pure love that is patient, kind, unselfish, trusting, hoping, persevering - has been so secularized in today's society, specifically in my generation and the generations behind me. It's been diminished to, pretty much sex.

Unbelievable to me.

While yes, I do think physical contact does play a pretty big role in the relationship you have with someone you love... there HAS to be more than that. There has to be. It can't be all about sex.

Prostitution, for instance, can't be the number one calling in life and can't be the ultimate "love job" so to speak. Does that make sense?

No I think it's more. Why do I think it's more?

Because I've seen and felt love for people in SO many different ways than just a physical touch.

I think love is a regard for someone else's well-being.

I think when you love someone, you literally want whats best for them at whatever cost - even if it costs your life.

I think "Falling in love" with someone, and I don't mean this 7th grade - pass the note - check yes/no- hold hands at lunch and kiss between classes type of falling in love - can probably be the best feeling in the world.

Think about it.

For (probably) once in your life, you are completely in love with a person to the point where you want to give whatever you have to make them happy. For once you (hopefully) feel completely compelled to give your life up for someone else.

Amazing.

"Greater love has no one than
to lay down his life for his friend..."

I've also heard something that's always, ALWAYS stuck in my head. That is that love is a commitment, it's a decision you make.

For instance, say you fall in love and end up marrying the person. As what happens most marriages... things get a little rough. It's so easy to just give up and quit on everything and get mad at the spouse.

The person used the example of when you're in a fight, you may be thinking about the other spouse something like this:

"You know what, I really really don't like you right now. You're being
ridiculous, not making any sense at all, and you're really not my favorite
person in the world to be around right now. Actually I don't like you one bit to
be honest. But, even though I may not like you right now, I love you. I'm
committed to you, I made a promise to you, and I love you."

.... it's a decision, & a commitment. And a very nice thing when you find a way to mesh all those things together.

I keep coming back to Pauls' definition of love tho. I really in my heart can't seem to separate that from being truth. He hits it head on. Love's patient. (Probably one of my biggest struggles.) Love is all those things that he mentioned.

God is the author of love. He IS love, in its complete entirety. Nothing we can do can separate us from His love, because it's everlasting to everlasting. It was there before we cam to be, and will be there regardless of anything. It's unconditional. (Lucky us huh?) And I believe it's the only thing that makes us truly complete.

I think it's impossible to really love something, really truly LOVE something, apart from God. He IS love, therefore if we don't have Him, we can't have that true love. Yet at the same time, when He does woo us into an amazing lovestory with Him, it's the most amazing, humbling, satisfying thing we will ever encounter in our lives and thus, finally, we are truly complete.

Nothing that the world at this time has to offer could ever measure up, I really don't care what it is. Sex. Boyfriends. Porn. Being skinny. Being hot. Being famous. Being rich. None of those things will ever complete you... so stop trying ya know? The times when I feel most satisfied in life is when my heart fully turns upwards towards the Lord and I am at a state of mind that acknowledges the fact that I really am NOTHING without Him. So humbling, so necessary...

Sometimes I think it's so hard to get to that point in your life tho, when you truly can grasp that. God sometimes seems so hard to find and so far away.

Welcome to the world right? Well, go ahead and look around at your world. What do you see? :: Rape. Violence. Murder. War. Pain. Tears. Satan in his prime. :( It's sad huh? It really, really is. But if we listen, apart from what the world is telling us about love, apart from our own fleshly, selfish desires of love (that can somtimes even be confused with Lust...) Then we'll know. We'll find it.

So. Every so often - maybe more often than I'd like to think - a little miracle takes place when human creativity manages to depict some faint but totally accurate reflection of something ridiculously, maybe even fearsomely true. And when I witness or hear or read something like that, I experience something like the dropping of a pin inside me. It's like my innate intuition and at times retarded yearnings are an echo, and for a brief lil' nanosecond I hear them next to the original sound and everything starts to make sense. To be honest, I mostly will feel that way when I read C.S. Lewis or the Bible, or when I play old hymns or listen to certain Sara Groves songs. But I think revelation in its entirety to be a two edged sword: a quite miraculous thing which can bring one both comfort and isolation, and maybe even a state of mind that really makes you stop liking yourself.

In Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller, I have found a true friend. His book has really been something that's rocked my life and could even be classified as one of those pin-dropped miracles. He's honest, open, real, hilarious, and after spending countless hours pouring my gaze over each page and really soaking it all in, I learned a lot about God. I began to see Him in a different light, to see His Word from a different perspective. It truly is amazing. So ya. We'll leave the last note to the author. And in the meantime... allow the Spirit to being a work in us, causing us to revel, learn, and yearn for a love that is so vital and true. A love that completes, never ends, and can only be found in God Himself - the author and finisher. Praise Jesus:)

("Blue Like Jazz", copyright 2003 by Donald Miller, Thomas Nelson Publishers, please don't sue me):

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside
the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing saxophone.
I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that
I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something
before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way. I
used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of
this happened... In America, the first generation out of slavery invented
jazz music. It is a free-form expression. It comes from the soul, and it is
true."

__________________________________________________________

Listening to: Sara Groves "When It was Over." - gooood stuff - Hillsong United "Look to You."

Reading: AW Tozer - "Pursuit of God." - incredible... I think everybody should read this book at least once. And then one/two more times after that.

::1 A.M::

There must be more than this.
Oh Breath of God come breathe within.
There must be more than this.
Spirit of God we wait for You.

Fill us in You, we pray...
Fill us in You, we pray.

Consuming Fire
Fan into Flame
A Passion for Your name.
Spirit of God
Would You fall in this place?
Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way with us.

Come like a rushing Wind.
Clothe us with power from on high.
Now set the captives free
Leave us abandoned to Your praise

Lord let Your glory fall
Oh Lord, let Your glory fall!

Consuming Fire
Fan into flame,
A Passion for Your name.
Spirit of God
Would You fall in this place?
Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way with us.

Oh there must be more... there must be more.

Stir it up in hearts Lord
Stir it up in hearts Lord
Stir it up in hearts Lord
A Passion for Your name!
___________________________________________________________________

I love worship.
I really do.
There's nothing else in the whole world that could really capture my heart the way worship does. Which I think is the way God intended it to be.
I'm so glad God allows us to be able to participate and interact with Him in that way. It's unbelievable.
Worship really is so so powerful. It's almost like a drug or something, which is a weird concept, but its true to me in some way. Whenever I hear worship music, it numbs my heart to other realities and my problems or worries or hurts really begin to fade and I'm confronted with something so much bigger and so much more real than anything I'm dealing with at that moment.
Worship LITERALLY changes my hearts perspective... it changes from being focused on ME to focused on HIM... and as I behold Him and focus on Him, it's cool because I know His spirit is working in my heart and I'm becoming more like Him in the process. It leads my heart to a state of wonder and awe and amazement, just singing to Him... seriously it's crazy!
There's something so powerful about proclaiming things like "Lord Have Your Way with Us," and "Here am I, All of me... take my life, it's all for Thee," and "In My Life, be lifted high..."
Ahh!!! I love it!
:)

Tomorrow is Easter.
Which is cool because it's a little day set aside to remember that Jesus is still alive and that death could'nt hold Him down. Ha. :)

It's awesome that I worship the only God (among other god's... that is, little "g's") thats not just a statue or rock or peice of wood... but a God that's actually still alive!

Ok now I'm just rambling because it's like 1 in the morning.... and the reason I started this blog is because I just heard the "Consuming Fire" song by Tim Hughes (Above lyrics) and that song like really, randomly, out of the blue touched my heart and set me in the right place and made me start writing and writing. Crazy I know.
Crazy how that happens.

....
ok seriously I'm done.
I'm gonna go get the beauty sleep I so desperately need...
And sing to my favorite man tomorrow and tell Him how cool I think it is that He's still alive... :)
_____________________________________________________________
Listening to: "Consuming Fire" - Tim Hughes ::::: "Take My Life" - Chris Tomlin
Reading: Same D-Miller book... good stuff. :) :::: Matthew

::Quickee::

So... I have a little time on my hands at work and haven't posted for a while. So here I go. It'll be a quick one too. :)
Anyways life is SO interesting right now.
I've learned more in the past few weeks than I have in a long time. And the stuff that I've been learning isn't "book-smart" type of stuff, but rather stuff about relationships, honesty, how to be a better communicator... etc etc. (aka... stuff that really matters in life.) :)

Also, I've learned a lot about God's grace and what it truly means to love the Lord with alllll your heart, soul, mind, and strength.
D-Perk preached a message at the Mill on Friday called "All" - that is - Giving your all to God.
Loving Him with allll of you.
Basically it rocked my heart and caused me to start thinking about a lot of stuff. Unfortunately I have to give people money right now... but trust me I'll elaborate more on this later and be all over this blog next week --
-- ESPECIALLY since just about everybody I know&love will be ditching me allll of spring break...

:(
Lame I know.

BUT it's ok I'll survive... and probably be able to renew my heart since I'll have a lot of time on my hands to spend with my first love. :) Yay I'm kinda excited now that I think about it...

____________________________________________________________
Listening to: Ray LaMontagne - "Trouble" :::: Jared Anderson "Praise Belongs to You" **Loving it!*
Reading: "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller *STILL... I'm loving the book and really trying to pick it apart* ::: James, Daniel

::Present::

So... lets talk about the present.
I heard my favorite speaker last night at an FCA meeting. I like to call him D-Perk. He talked about prayer and it was good. He is a prayer warrior so I'd like to think he would know a thing or two about prayer.
I love how he didn't make it this huge, emotional pep-talk that leaves people on a ridiculous spiritual high... and only that. I've had many of those feelings in my time. You get this fire in your spirit and you want to pray 10x a day for 2 hours each and tell every person in the world about Jesus and you feel like that for about 2 days. Then when you come down from the mountaintop... and realize how much of a failure you actually are.... your in even worse shape then you were when you first started climbing the mountaintop.

"The King of your mountains is also the Lord of your valleys..."

But no, D-Perk didn't do that. He was very matter of fact in his little talk.
Summary: When you pray, God listens.
Think about it.
When you pray, whether it's a long, 2 hour prayer, or a quick, split-second, "God help me" prayer, He hears it.
The God of the Universe who created mountains and waterfalls and hurricanes and ants and dogs and sunrises and atoms and trees and clouds and angels and demons and sharks and midgets and oceans.... that very same God.... heard YOU. Ha. :) And out of His love for us, He will respond.

I love how David stated that we may not see the fruit of our prayers in this lifetime, and that for me is a very important concept to grasp.
And I doubly LOVE how he said that so many times we lose faith in prayer and instead always try to physically DO something about it and MAKE it happen.
We live in America in the 21st century, so we're gonna want immediate results. However, I'm realizing that God doesn't work that way. He's outside of time, so, obviously, His schedule won't always match up with ours. And the sooner we realize it's actually BETTER that way... the better. :)

Anyways, back to the last thought. We tend to trust in our own actions and our own strength to make sure the work of the Lord is done in our lives... rather than falling to our knees and PRAYING and trusting in the His word and His timing.

*sigh*... I'm not gonna lie, sometimes being a human sucks. I wish I could always trust whole-heartedly in God, never letting my own worries or ideas get in the way.
I want my faith in God to be greater than the faith I have in the air I breathe. Does that make sense? It should. I have pretty great faith that as I'm writing this, the next tiny little breath I take will be enough to keep me living until the next breath that I need.
The same goes for the sunrise. I have pretty great faith that after my day is over, all is said and done and I go to sleep tonight, the sun WILL rise tomorrow morning and a new day will begin.
I want to trust in the Lord more than I trust in those things, and if you think about it, that's HUGE.
And that's what I need.

Let's see.... other stuff that is going on in my life...
Well one of my best friends is bulimic and that's hard for me. I love this girl so ridiculously much it's almost unbelievable. It hurts to see her feel that way about her body when in all actuality, her body isn't that far off from being an "America's Next Top Model" body. No joke. It's insane when you think about it. She's hurting herself, and whats worse, is that its so addictive that she can't get out of it.
What can I do? Pray. Encourage her. Be her friend. Be there for her. Listen when she needs somebody to just shut-up and listen. Speak truth over her life and over her insecurity in that area. And most of all... love her. To death. And... that's what I'm gonna do with God's strength. :)

Other than that, family is good. Relationships are good. School is good. Work is good. God is good. (All the time...) :)

::Talk soon::

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reading: "Searching for God Knows What" - Donald Miller - *LOVING IT!* Romans, Psalms.
Listening To: "God is God" - Steven Curtis Chapman.

And here are the lyrics to the song that humbled me and helps me realize that... I am nothing. :) And that's ok. I think the most beautiful feeling you can have is the feeling of complete, absolute, dependency on God. It humbles you and sets your heart in the right place; the place where it should've been from the beginning.

"God is God"
by: Steven Curtis Chapman

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain.
And I have to say the words I fear the most...
I just don't know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust...

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He's painting
God is God and I am man
So I'll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I'm filled with awe and wonder
Til the only burning question that remains is... "Who am I?" ( - LOVE that line!!)
Can I form a single mountain?
Take the stars in hand and count them?
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me?
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

...Amen.