:::Conclusive:::

When it comes to the condition of my heart, these past few months have been somewhat of a struggle for me. I'm just going to jump right into it, if you don't mind.

In high school I was the popular, athletic, out-going, Jesus loving class clown (literally, my voted title two years in a row). I had tons of friends and loved being around people. I was far from being the prissy, pretty, cheerleader-y, make-up-y, trendy girl...

In fact... {sidebar} that being said, in many ways, my sister in love reminds me exactly of myself - I'm convinced that we literally played the exact same roles in high school. (Except I ditched bball in junior high and fell deeper in love with the best sport in the world... volleyball.... AND I'm not a dumbblonde... buaha, jk Sarah.) Literally, the similarities are scary: class clown, jock, popular, close group of 5 or 6 SISTERfriends, out-going. Well, hello that was me.

Now, I'm not sure why I went on this tangent, perhaps because I love Sarah Faye and glad God chose her to be my sister in law, and wished we lived closer so we could have chickfila for breakfast, make up sexy new outfits, and spoon every day.

Photo for your visual pleasure:

(she's a cutie) :)

Anyways back to the original point. In high school, I honestly hardly ever struggled insecurities. I mean, I'm sure I had them, and I'm not sure if I was so swelled up with pride that I considered myself too good for them, but issues that girls in high school struggled with, were not the same issues that I dealt with.

Fast Forward:::: Here I am.

21 years old.

Graduated from highschool 3 years ago (that's just crazy.)

Married to the man of my dreams

Living in the city of my dreams... haha jk. :)

And with more struggles, and issues than I know how to deal with.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place - I don't know how to respond.

I'm missing so many things - desiring so many things, dreaming up so many things, afraid of so many things.

God's still working these things out in my heart - doing so every so patiently and gently mind you, but it's a work in progress and I just wanted to give a little update about it.

Not sure if you can relate.... not sure who the "you" is to be honest, haha.

But this blog is more for me than it is for "you" anyways.

The interesting thing about this blog is that a resolution seems very far away right now. Which isn't the common theme in my blogs - they always begin with a struggle and end with a sound and firm resolution.

But I can't think of one right now, especially for this specific issue.

So... I'm just going to run on a tangent a little bit and declare truths that I know to be sure in my life. It's comforting to have solid, absolute truths in your life. They keep your mind calm and your feet from slipping. So here they are:

God loves me.

He's good.

He's true.

He gives me enough grace for each and every day.

He knows me intimately.

He fashioned me.

He's blessed me.

He's written my name on the palm of His hand.

He is merciful.

He's never, once, or ever will, let me do this life alone.

He's protected me.

He's my sustainer.

He's my provider.

He's a friend.

He's loyal.

He saved me.

In the midst of all this ugly... all these unknowns.... all this lack of resolution....

I am blessed.

And I'll rest in that, for now.

:::Belong:::

Jesus began a revolution with one word.

When He said the word, "Father," He changed everything.
And now, He's invited us into this reality... into this place of belonging, to call God our "Papa," our "Daddy," our "Abba."
: Jonathan David Helser

I don't know that there is much more to life than that.

These are truths; timeless truths that I'm still struggling to grasp and capture in the deepest parts of my heart.

I want my heart, my identity, my thoughts, my emotions to be set on and capture by this one idea.

He is my Abba.

He is my dear Father.

He broke down all barriers and gave Himself fully for me.

His love covers my sin.

His love covers the depths of my soul; the ugliest parts.

He takes my heart, every part, and holds it together.

He knows me better than anyone, and still loves me unconditionally.

{He loves me enough to win me back to Himself, even when I feel so so far away.}

Even when I've let my flesh and sin take over my actions, He calls my name.

(Even when I turn my back on Him and follow legalism, He reaches for my hand.)

Even when I sing songs but am so far from being in truth, His Spirit dances over me.

(Even when I am swallowed in pride, He calls me by name.)

Even when I feel alone, He cradles me in His arms.

(Even when I hate myself, every part, He speaks to my heart, "I chose you. You're mine.")

That's overwhelming, when you let the truth of it sink into your heart.

"For I am sure, that neither death nor life, nor angels no demons,

nor things present nor things to come, no powers, nor height nor depth,

nor anything else in all creation,

will be able to separate us from the love of God in Chris Jesus our Lord."

- Romans 8:38-39

It's incredible to think that even when you hate yourself, God calls you His.

He sees you. He sees your heart, your thoughts, your mind. And through all that muck, in all those deep, dark, secret corners, He breathes His love. He pours His grace. He shines His light and calls you "Beloved."

Ahh I'm so overwhelmed by this idea.

Especially in this particular phase of my life.

He is my ABBA!

I am called His daughter!!

I belong!

I am Free!

I have breath in my lungs and truth in my mind and a song in my heart and a purpose over my life - and the King of Kings knows my name!

I don't need to search for a reason to live; I have found my reason and know that it's hidden in Him - I'm alive in Him!!

"Open up the heavens, pour down Your Spirit on me!

Oh Jesus, wherever You need, I'll sing harmony!"

- "Let Your Light Shine" by Bethany Dillon

:::New Favorite:::

"Give me something fun to do, like a life of loving you...

Kiss me quick, oh baby, I'm still crazy over you."

:::Life:::

I'm currently sitting in my bed... my husband left for work over an hour and a half ago and it's been just me since. So, I figured, let's write something :)

There are many words that can accurately describe how I've felt over the past week or so.

It hasn't been the most THRILLING, adventurous time of my life by any means... I mean, there aren't too many thrilling moments when you throw a tiny town, one vehicle, and absolutely zero money in the mix. (Oh newlyweds *smile*) Those items can limit any sense of adventure you might have.

This is in no way a blog to complain about my life.... I've married the most amazing man who literally continues to amaze me in the way that he loves me, I'm truly a very blessed woman.

No, this blog is to celebrate. Celebrate the fact that in the midst of my seemingly simple life.... in the midst of my change of beautiful Colorado Scenery and in the midst of this new distance between me, my family and best friends in the world.... in the midst of all that change.... He stays the same.

That's hope that you can count on... regardless of location or circumstance. Regardless of change.

Change requires adjustment.... and it's not always the easiest thing in life to deal with. There's a quote that I love about change:

If you don't like something; change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

Yes, change the way you think about it. It's attitude. It's perspective. It's learning that your way... may NOT actually be the best way. It's realizing that you don't need constant fireworks and busyness in order to be happy and feel successful.

In the midst of all this change... in the midst of moving my life to this teenytiny town in Texas... God is showing me and teaching me many things.

First, is that the blessing of marriage is more than just romance and amazing sex. (Though both those things are wonderful and necessary... making a simple town less boring:) I'm learning that marriage was one of God's best ideas; a mirror of His initial idea of oneness and unity. It's really beautiful. I'll expand on that idea in a different post because I truly believe in it and see the necessity of it... but in all seriousness, marriage is such a blessing!!

I'm quickly learning though that our selfish nature is dumb. And SO alive and active inside your heart unless you make a conscious, daily effort every day to die to yourself and allow the Spirit of God to live in you and through you.

How creepy does that sound, huh? The "Spirit of God." I sometimes would LOVE to get inside the head of a non-Christian, or even a baby Christian who hasn't grown up with all the terms, like "The blood of the Lamb" or "Holy Spirit" or "Jesus is the son of God" or "Eat His flesh and drink His blood, in remembrance of Him..." ahh that stuff sounds crazy!!

Haha poor people that get unknowingly thrown into the mix of it all... I can't imagine how scary everything that I believe in sounds to people!

I believe every word of it though, and living in this more challenging phase of my life has tested those beliefs through and through.

- Do I really believe God is who He said He is?

- Do I really believe in the Holy Spirit?

- Do I really believe in dying to myself and living for Him?

- Do I really believe He never leaves me or forsakes me?

- Do I really believe we don't wrestle against flesh and blood?

All these ideas have continued to be refined in me over time and it's been a ride. It's amazing what God will do with your heart when you step out of your comfort Zone for a minute or two.... or in my case, for the rest of your life.

I'm thankful for this time, though occasionally seemingly difficult, because I've learned more about myself and had to "grow up" more in the past few months than I have in a loooooooong time of living in beautiful Suburbia Colorado Springs :)

I'm learning that I need Him so badly - more now than ever before. He is my life, He is my living water, my sustainer, my healer, my redeemer, my best friend. The most loyal, loving, patient, kind, honest, perfect person I will ever know in my life. I've tried functioning without Him - and all I am without Him is ugly, impatient, mean, unloving, selfish, and sad.

I know this sounds so "cliche" but... Jesus is life.

He really is. And I want everything that He is...

:::Faithful:::

There's distance in the air, and I cannot make it leave.

I wave my arms round' about me and blow with all my might.

I cannot sense You close, though I know You're always here,

but the comfort of You near is what I long for...

When I can't feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same.

When I can't hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray.

And I want You more than I wanna live another day...

And as I wait for You, maybe I'm made more faithful.

The folly of the past, though I know it is undone,

I still feel the guilty one, still try to make it right.

So I whisper soft Your name, let it roll around my tongue.

Knowing You're only one who knows me,

You know me.

When I can't feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same.

When I can't hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray.

And I want You more than I wanna live another day...

And as I wait for You, maybe I'm made more faithful.

Show me how I should live this.

Show me where I should go.

I count this world as lost to me...

You are all I want, You are all I want....

"Faithful" by Brooke Fraser

"My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the LORD;

my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God."

~ Psalms 84:2

:::She's Back!!:::

Oh my gosh.

She's back.

Brooke Fraser is back. New Album coming out October 12th.

She's going on tour too... and word on the street says I might be near the south sometime in November... YES.

Here's her new single on the right...... "Something in the Water."

And honestly, I can't stop listening to it.
CAN'T WAIT FOR THE ALBUM!!

MARRIED!!!

hi I'm married. :)

AHH CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!!!!??

The wedding was.... BEYOND PERFECT. Seriously. The ceremony was wonderful, God was SO glorified and I was SO happy! Our wedding party was great and our music people were great and having all our family there was just SO GREAT!

The day itself seemed somewhat surreal to me, honestly. We had my cousin's husband video the ceremony and Bill & I went back to watch the video again with my family, and we sat there, shedding a few tears perhaps as we reminisced on the Miracle that took place that day, committing our lives and our love to each other whatever the costs.

We had Bill's uncle and his mentor from high school marry us, each one doing a part of the ceremony and they both did an unbelievably fantastic job!!

That day was nothing but a huge blessing in both of our lives.... our families are the most incredible people in the world and an even bigger blessing is that they both really really get along with each other! At the rehearsal dinner, Bill's siblings made speeches saying how they felt they weren't just getting one sister, they were getting three more and a brother, and vise versa! That was so so encouraging and TRUE and Bill & I are SO grateful for it!!

Well I hardly have enough time to blog as it is, we have a busy busy summer ahead of us, but I might be making a blog for Bill & I together... to track down OUR adventures as a married couple.... so stay tuned. :)

:::My Favorite Number:::

The way my brain works is really weird sometimes.

For instance, today is a perfect example. There are some "milestones" in my life that growing up, I never thought I would reach. For some reason, I thought I would die before I ever got my drivers license. Or ever went to my Senior Prom, or graduated high school. Not in an emo, depressed, suicidal kind of way - it's just that those events/days/situations all seemed SO incredibly amazing and SO unattainably far away that I thought, "I'd never get there."

Well, today was one of those "unattainably far away" events that I thought I'd never reach. Today I turn 21. I can't believe it. It's happened so fast.

All my life 21 has seemed SO old.... and now it's here. And not only that, I'm getting married in 19 days.

I've always wanted to get married young... I'm pretty sure I've always wanted to get married at age 21 as a matter of fact... and it's coming true. :)

God sees the silly desires of my heart, and He loves me through them, and I'm so so grateful.

So. 21 is here. Who cares about the drinking to be honest, I mean sure I like a good jack n' coke or mojito... but I'm just glad I'm entering the age/year that I will be marrying the love of my life. That right there is a good reason for me to be excited about turning 21 :)

(That, and because for as long as I can remember.... 21 has been my favorite number. Soccer, vball, basketball.... it's always been my number...)

So, in the words of my beautiful friend Tatum Downs....

21 is gonna be a good year.

::30 Days::

I don't know about you, but I'm going to be Mrs. Stainback in 3-0 D A Y S .

30 DAYS!!!!

Words cannot describe my ecstaticness. (word??)

The week of the wedding is probably going to be the craziest/most fun week of my life.... I'm trying to make a schedule of the week now and it's definitely looking to be a busy busy time. But I can't wait.

Both Bill's & mine families are coming into town... both our immediate families haven't been COMPLETELY together ever, either just his mom, dad, and sister with my whole family... or just his brother with my sisters... or whatever. So to have everyone together all at the same time is just SO perfectly wonderful :)

I still feel like I have quite a few detailed things to take care of... loose odds & ends I need to tie up but still its going to be amazing and I am thrilled beyond belief.

God is so good. He knows my heart, He knows my deepest desires, and He knows me better than I know myself. I want my wedding to be one that is completely focused on Him and brings so much glory to His name. He is worthy of my life, much less my wedding celebration.

LET THE COUNT-DOWN BEGIN!!!!

:::AF Encouraged:::

Well the weather outside is GORGEOUS. Minus the occaisional gust-o-wind, it's a pretty perfect day. :)

I had a breakfast date today (at 7am....but it was redeemed by the fact that it was a Chick-fil-a breakfast place.... *sigh* Bill & I will absolutely miss that place!!) with an old friend named Taryn. She was a friend from church when I was in high school, SUPER sweet, and her story as of recently is what mine will potentially look like.

Why? Let me tell you why.

A) She got married to a cadet, (like me... but he was class of 09')

B) Their wedding was the Saturday after graduation (like ours.)

C) He got a Pilot Slot (like Bill)

D) He got stationed at a Pilot Training Base in Texas (same one as Bill & I)

There you go. There's my proof.

So, in case you missed the point, she is currently living and has been living in the place that I will be living in!!

The one down side to being an Air Force wife, for me, is that I'm such a planner. I love calendars, I love schedules, I love all of that. I love change as well... but as long as that change is in the plans. :)

So, this whole middle phase of not knowing where I'll be living, what my house will look like, how the Air Force life is, what jobs are available at this place, etc. has been somewhat of a hard phase of life to be in. I like to know this type of stuff, you know?

My future husband, on the other hand, is hardly worried at all. It makes me laugh - how God gave me a man that is the same as me in so many ways but at the same time is SO dang opposite!! God knows what He's doing though, my weaknesses in most cases are his strengths, and I'm blessed to have a man that will lead me and love me through my failures or growth phases. :)

Anyways, so Taryn is living right now in the same place I will be living in - with her cute little house, bike, pilot husband, and Air Force experience, and therefore, having breakfast with her was SUCH a breathe of fresh air!

We were able to talk about the little (but important) things, like can I paint my house? Do we want to live on or off base? How much will this cost? What stores do they have? How many jobs are there on base? What does your house look like? And so on and so forth...

It was great to pick her mind. She loves it down there, it is a really small town but she says it's great because there are less distractions there and therefore a perfect place for newlyweds to begin.

One thing I've heard already about the Air Force is that the community you find is awesome. You basically end up living in a neighborhood where just about every couple is a newlywed, and since it is a base for pilot training, most couples are in the same situations, where the young bride stays home and the husband spends his 12 hour days in pilot training. But knowing that fact, everyone is apparently really great and encouraging and you get to meet and make lifelong friends at your military bases!

I love people. I love community. So this is a huge plus for me! I'm so out-going and thrive off of meeting new people, so the idea of change or newness isn't intimidating to me whatsoever. I can't wait to develop a close knit community of other newlywed couples that we can do stuff with!!

Knowing Taryn has been a huge blessing too. She's such a sweetheart, already offering us a place to stay if our house isn't ready to move in yet, already suggesting we go on bike-ride dates, already planning our lay-out sessions in the middle of the hot Texas sunshine for us to get super tan for our husbands. :) Her and her husband Nate have a Bible study at their house every Wednesday night and she is so excited to include Bill & I in those plans!

Having breakfast with her was so encouraging and made me so excited for what's to come. I'm excited for all our "firsts," - first bed, first furniture, first time cooking in our kitchen, first time buying a car together, first time moving all our stuff in together, everything.

God is so good. He has blessed me with a man that is better than anyone I could've dreamed of. I never thought I would find someone as patient and loving as Bill. This time of my life has been nothing but a growing one - learning about myself, learning about others, the good, bad, and ugly. And having him in my life to walk me through this and love me regardless of my mistakes is more than I could've asked for.

I know that whatever my future holds, which is in many ways so uncertain at this point, will be filled with promise and joy because the God I serve is incredible and loves His children. I see His image daily in my future husband, and that is so encouraging.

I love love. I love being in love. I love giving love. I love being loved. I love that perfect love casts out all fear. I love that true love is alive and real. I love that love is as strong as death. I love that love can melt the hardest heart. I love that love is overcoming. I love that His love is better than life. I love that God is love.

That is the truth.

The truth will set you free.

:::Levi.2:::

Hello hello hello!!
3 blogs in one week??? Yes please!
So I went to the Thorn again last night.... for the 12th time.... and despite the fact that I can literally quote every line of every song and every joke, that play still manages to hit me hard. I always end up falling in love with Jesus again, seeing His sacrifice so vividly and allowing His love to sink deeper into my heart.

12 Thorns later and I'm still a sobbing baby, but thankfully I had an amazing man to sit next to and hold me close, both of us realizing one again, the incredible price that was paid 2000 years ago, and both of our hearts being renewed by His love. :) I'm grateful for that blessing.


This Thorn, however, was slightly more emotional than the years before. As I walked into the church, some of the first people I saw were the Patrick family. I had never met Levi's parents, I only knew his older sister, so as soon as I saw Sasha I gave her a hug. It's been exactly a week from today that Levi passed away.... not even close to enough time to mend up broken hearts. :(


I had to try really hard to keep from crying as I met their parents, Sharon and Mark Patrick. Like I said, I hadn't met them before, but when I told them that I was Mario's sister, they were like "Awww Mario!! Come here." and they embraced me. Mr. Patrick smiled and said "You're Mario's sister? Mario was Levi's twin..." and my eyes teared up as I nodded.

I thought about them during the whole performance... during the song about Miracles, during the part about demons, during the crucifixion scene and of course the resurrection. What were they thinking? I know what I would be thinking. I would be thinking, "I believe in miracles... so why didn't you save my son, God?" - "I believe you love children Lord, so why couldn't you keep my son and my family from this pain God?" -

How could something like this happen? He was a great kid, loved the Lord, stud athlete, captain of the football team and 3 year starter, track star, homecoming King, the only son and sibling to Sasha, Mark, and Sharon. He loved people, he really did.

Ahhhh, heartbreak is unbelievable. I don't know how they do it, I don't know how I would do it, but I know their faith is an inspiration to people. Their strength and testimony will be something that impacts lives. I'm sure of it.

Levi's memorial is next Tuesday.... I'm excited to celebrate his life. God is good.

:::My Man:::

I'm in love I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!!

Ahhhhh. :)

-Some days, when I really have time to think about it, I can't believe how incredibly blessed I am.

- Then other times, when I'm riding in the front seat of his truck and he randomly takes my hand and smiles at me, I experience first hand little glimpses of why I am so incredibly blessed.

- Then there are the times when he's singing at the top of his lungs to his favorite country song on the radio, or ordering his "#1 no pickles, american cheese, value size with a large sweet tea" through the drive-thru at Chick-fil-a, or those times when I catch him staring at me and when I make eye contact with him, he smiles and says "you are so beautiful. I'm just going to stare at you the rest of the day, ok??"

- The times when I wake up from a nap (and absolutely look like it,) and he smiles as he sees me walking down the stairs and cups my face in his hands and says "Goodmorning gorgeous."

- The time at the Mill, when a guy will come up to him, kind of pulling him to the side, and say "Dude did you see that girl? She's so hot!" and Bill just shakes his head and says, "No, look at Jocelyn." his friend will look at me, and then Bill says (in a voice he doesn't want me to hear, but I do anyways:), "See, here's the difference. Jocelyn looks that gorgeous, all the time. I literally get to wake up to that face, every day, absolutely no makeup is needed to make her look like that."

- Then there's those times when I'm upset about something, hurt, confused, crying, and he pulls me close, kisses my forehead, and promises that he will always take care of me, that everything will be ok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've fallen hopelessly and completely in love with this man. His strengths, his weaknesses, his little quirks, his annoying habits, his hobbies, his passions, his dreams, his heart. Everything about this man has completely captivated me.

I wish there were enough words to express how amazing he is.

Now, as sappy and lovey-dovey as this stuff is, I'm not blind to the difficulties we will face. I know there will be days when the last thing I want to do is be by him. I know there will be days when the last thing he wants to do is see me. But I also know, and pray, that those days will be few and far between, because God's put an overwhelming desire in Bill's heart to have an incredible marriage and I know we will do anything and everything to delight in the Lord and let God give us that desire of his heart..

I've learned so much in these past 21 months of having him in my life. I've learned so much about myself, things I like and things I hate, and I've never had as gracious or loving of a teacher as him.

He's seen me in my absolute best - where I know I am being incredibly sweet, funny, awesome, and happen to look stunningly beautiful....

And he's seen me in my absolute worst - where I know I'm being mean, impatient, hurtful, and happen to look incredibly grungy, ugly, and extremely far from even remotely attractive. Ha. :)

He sees me in every season and still loves me so so well.

+ I'm so grateful that I've found a man that thinks I look drop dead gorgeous in sweatpants, glasses, and over-sized t-shirts.

~ I'm so grateful that I've found a man that loves me so well through my impulsive reactions, those times when I don't necessarily think before I speak and say something that could be so hurtful.

+ I'm so grateful that I've found a man who is open with me, not afraid to show emotions or be vulnerable with me.

~ I'm so grateful that I've found a man who despite the fact that he's be hurt in many ways in his past, has opened up to me and allowed me to love every part of his heart - his strengths and weakness, and I'm so grateful that God's given me a heart to love him as strongly as I do.

+ I'm so grateful that I've found a man who thinks before he speaks, who is patient with me and isn't afraid to be himself in front of me.

~ I'm so grateful that I've found a man who promises to be loyal to me, to protect me and love me forever.

+ I'm so grateful that I've found a man who wrote in his journal the day after our first "date" that he thinks I'm going to marry him... and has remained loyal, steady, and confident in that thought for the past 21 months.

~ I'm so grateful that I've found a man who isn't in a hurry to grow up - not afraid to be silly, but doesn't hesitate to show, when he needs to step up to the plate, a maturity and wisdom that is faaaaar beyond his years. I'm so impressed with that.

+ I'm so grateful that I've found a man who loves me when I don't deserve it... regardless of time or distance apart, he remained faithful and loving and didn't want to let me go.

~ I'm so grateful that this man that I've found, happens to be incredibly drop dead gorgeous person - with eyes like the ocean and a smile that, in the words of the amazing Taylor Swift, "can light up this whole town."I mean, seriously, my man is a stuuuuuud. I'm a lucky lucky girl. *smile*

+ I'm so grateful I've found a man that loves the Jesus, is willing to seek out God's counsel and wisdom in His life, and lives in God's grace as he draws closer to Him.

:)

I'm marrying this man in less than two months, promising forever to him, and I couldn't be more excited or sure of anything in my life.

He's my match in every way and I am so ready to start my life with him.

I love you Bill Stainback!!!!

:::Levi:::

Life is precious.

That is one of the biggest lessons I've learned this week, at such a high cost.

It's been a tough few days. I've been mourning the loss of my sweet friend's younger brother, and my brother's best friend, Levi. He died in a tragic car accident on Saturday afternoon - he was a senior and barely 19 years old. He was the best player on his football team, a stud on his track team, a leader of his Young Life in his school, and a leader in his youth group, _tag.

But honestly, only after attending a candlelight service on Sunday night at Its A Grind Coffee House, where I witnessed over 300 people, primarily high school students, sobbing and mourning the lost of beloved Levi, did I realize just how incredibly amazing of a person he was.

He was a stud, a jock, no doubt. He loved to work out and his body did little to hide that fact, but what blew me away was the fact that his death brought together more people than just the "jocks." I mean literally, every stereotype of highschcooler that you could ever imagine was there at Its A Grind in honor of Levi. You had your jocks, your football team, your track team, your emo kids, your pretty preppy girls, your goths, your nerds, your church kids, your God haters, your rebels.... I mean seriously, as I looked around this massive crowd, that simple fact blew me away.

We had a moment during the candlelight service where people were able to share a story or memory they had of Levi, and I lost count of how many stories sounded something like this:

"I was new to Lewis Palmer (his HS), and I didn't know anybody, and I was kinda nervous but I sat down in my first class of my junior year and happened to sit next to Levi. He looked at me and smiled and said "Hey, what's up?" I was kind of hesitant because he looked like a stuck up jock to me at first, but he quickly broke down those barriers and started talking a lot to me, and honestly it was nice to have someone to talk to. He became my first friend at LP and always remained my friend since then."

Seriously, stories of how this kid impacted lives of Highschoolers was so humbling to me. However, the fact that he loved people was only part of how amazing this kid was, there wasn't a person in the crowd who was ignorant to the fact that Levi was a Christian and loved the Lord. His love for the Lord was evident in his leadership in Young Life, in his youth group, and in his life in general.

Seems to me like this kid really learned to hide the first commandment in His heart, to "Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself."

Seeing His love for people and His love for the Lord, and how his life had such an amazing impact on other kids at his public high school was a life-changing thing for me. He pointed people towards God through his love for them. That's what this life is all about.

I'm humbled to have witnessed that.

I'm grateful that he was such a great non-related older brother to my little sister, and such an amazing best friend to my brother.

I'm grateful to know Sasha, Levi's older sister, and witness her incredible grace, beauty, and strength at the candlelight service.

I tear up when I think of that moment on Sunday night when I first saw her at the Coffee House, she hurried to me and squeezed me tight and started bawling on my shoulder... all I could whisper through my sobs was "Sasha, I'm so so sorry..." and her response through her sobs, in the midst of a broken heart, was "I know, but Levi's with Jesus. He's with Jesus now."

Psalms 34:18 "The Lord is near to the broken-hearted..."

What can we learn from Levi's life?? Love people. Look past their earrings, tattoos, tough facade, emo/goth clothes - everyone has a story and everyone deserves to be loved. Why? Because everyone was made in the image of God, and that is what God commands us to do.



True Love Changes lives... and life is too short to live without trying to make an impact on people around you.

Live to Love.

Be like Levi.

:::Roads:::

I woke up this morning earlier than usual - had to be at work by 7:15 am... woot woot.

I love sleeping in... no lie... but I think there is also definitely a part of me that loves having something that forces me out of bed before 8 am... sometimes I need that little extra motivation to stand up and start my day :)

So today was that kind of day... woke up early, got ready for work. Not entirely thrilled about it, but as soon as I stepped outside, my day got better.

It's been cloudy all morning, but they were rain clouds.... which means.... I'm automatically a happy girl!

I stepped outside and let the smell of RAIN that hung thickly in the air completely consume me... there really is nothing like it.


That's is definitely one of the things I miss MOST about Hawaii... I miss waking up early to the sound of POURING RAIN right outside my window... ahh I miss it I miss it I miss it!!

But living in dry Colorado changes things a bit... we don't get too much moisture unless it's in one form: snow. The fact that I haaaaaaate cold doesn't help me out either really... so on rare days like today, where the smell of rain hangs thick in the air, I am undoubtedly a happy happy girl. :) I love the rain.

Last week I went on a 4 mile walk with my beautiful best friend, Tara. It was a spontaneous, spur of the moment, "are you free? Me too. It's beautiful outside, lets go for a walk" type of hang out sesh that ended up lasting a lot longer than I expected it to, but oh my word Jesus knew I needed it.


Tara is the type of friend that comes once in a lifetime - she's beautiful, sweet, and hands down the most ENCOURAGING person God's ever made on the planet. But the thing is that she doesn't just say stuff to you to butter you up or make you feel better, everything she says, she means. She is so genuine, she LOVES people so much and when you become close friends with her, heart to heart type of friends, mostlikely you will remain that way forever. She is such a lover :)

So there we are, walking hand in hand at the foot of the Rocky Mountains... ha jk :) Not really hand in hand, (well, atleast not the WHOLE way hand in hand *wink* I told you she's a lover!!).

But it's in those times - when we're walking and enjoying His beautiful imagination, under the sunshine, in tennis shoes, short shorts, and North Face jackets - it's THOSE times, when His Spirit comes alive in me.

In high school - I THRIVED off of the Spiritual giants I called my friends. :) Sure we were a bunch of immature, ridiculous high school girls, and we hardly did everything right as far as living a life for Christ - but boy did we hunger for Him and His presence! That is one phase of life I will ALWAYS look back on with the fondest, greatest memories and truly cherish - I was blessed to be surrounded by the people I knew in high school.

Honestly though, regardless of what anyone says, people change when they grow up. People change, ideas change, life happens, and quite honestly, shit happens. I hate to say it, but sometimes there is no better way to describe the crappiness that happens in your life. You can't avoid it, you can't prevent it. You have to face it; have to wake up the next day, move on with your life.

I get that. I get that not everything is always rainbows and butterflies... especially as you grow older and become more aware of what life is really like - outside you're fairytale, high school years. People change.

Tara and I talked about those changes that we went through in our own personal lives. Just recently we've each become little world travelers.... I lived in Hawaii and Kyrgyzstan for 6 months, she lived in Sydney, Australia for a year. I went for missions training, she went to the Hillsong School of Worship. We basically went over and year and half apart from each other, and the long distance/international living made communicating pretty difficult. We each had life lessons, events, and experiences that were in some cases, completely foreign to each other, and what better than a 4 mile walk with your best friend under the Colorado sunshine to chat a little more about it. :)

One of the biggest pluses to having the same best friend over a long period of time is that they know you SO well; they know your heart, your thoughts, your good/bad habits, your mood swings, your dislikes, your secrets, your favorites. They know when you're faking it, when you're being honest, when you're sad/happy. They just know you.

So there I am, walking 4 miles with a girl who knows me, and I girl I truly know in return, and when you get two people together that are in that comfort zone, the conversation can become nothing short of genuine and life-giving.

As we each chased our dreams over the past year, we had made decisions to step out of our comfort zones of Colorado; leaving our churches, our families, our "niches." We each sought to discover God in our own way, in a way that was completely foreign before, and that time was so good.

I think it's important for every Christian to really find out what they believe in in a place that is out of their comfort zones; a place that really tests, stretches, and pulls at whatever "foundation" you had imposed on you by your parents or church growing up.

Tara and I each discovered similar - but different - views of God on our little adventures overseas, having a nice hour and a half to compare and contrast, but eventually coming to the same conclusion.

Christianity that I've seen up close, whether I've gotten those examples from friends, family, colleagues, or even church leaders, is extremely self-focused and self-consumed. I'm guilty of this myself, trying to live a life as if God is Santa Claus... "Better watch out, better not cry, better not pout I'm telling you why.... he sees you when your sleeping, he knows if your awake. He knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sake!!"

Thaaaaaaaaat was me. I think I subconsciously thought that if I was good, I was be in the clear zone. Tara and I decided that that perspective is extremely self-focused... what I can do, what I don't do, etc. It has to do with performance... is it good enough??

I heard in a sermon once that in your life you'll eventually hit a fork in the road... you can only go down one path. Each road has a name, it's one road vs another, and the decision of which one you take is entirely up to you. Here are the options.

Road A: Pleasing God.

Roab B: Trusting God.

There's a point in our lives where we have to decide which road we're going to take. Pleasing God, a road that truly is self-focused, and hardly leaves any room for somebody who's a sinner and in dire need of a Savior - or Trusting God, knowing that He already paid the price, recognizing that apart from Him you truly are nothing and laying down all your "crowns" at His feet, letting Him and His love be on the forefront of your life.

Of course... there are many debating topics that could be drawn off of this.
Won't you be judged by your actions? Does that mean you can do whatever you want because He already died for you?

And oh my gosh believe me this is a topic I thoroughly enjoy discussing.... but mostlikely at a later time than right now. :)

*Sigh*.... feels good to blog again. So good for my soul.

I'll be back soon. Too many wonderful loose ends to tie up!!

Love!

:::Flying Solo:::

I know this is short... but it's monumental!!

My fiance flew is FIRST EVER SOLO FLIGHT today!!!

He did like 3 touch and go's.... and then landed fully like twice :)

:)

His very first solo flight of his pilot career.... and I couldn't be prouder! I'm excited to see where God takes him with it!

:::2Weeks/4Months:::

(-1 day...)

:)

Two weeks from yesterday.... we will be finding out where Billy gets stationed.
Emotion: ANXIOUS.

Four months from yesterday.... I will be promising forever to the man of my dreams.
Emotion: *Unable to describe w/words.*

But.... I'll try.
I'm SO thankful. Excited. Blessed. Happy. Full of pure JOY. Slightly nervous... but overall I feel more ready for this than anything in my life.

Bill & I have definitely talked quite a bit about this next phase of our lives... (we better have, right?) I mean, word on the street is that marriage isn't all one thinks it will be. Every non-Christian adult that I mention I'm getting married to immediately responds with a sarcastic, "... Too bad." "You sure?" or a "Well good luck."

If there's one thing I'm positively CERTAIN of, it's that we are absolutely NOT going into this phase of life with a naive perspective of what we're getting into. And we have family, friends, and mentors from every phase of our lives growing up that believe in us too... of which I'm so incredibly grateful!!

How do I feel about leaving my family and moving away right in four months??
- Honestly, hasn't hit me too hard quite yet... and I'm sure it will. But at this point in my life, with my heart and relationship with Jesus considered, I'm more than ready to go and live life - real, every waking second life - with my best friend.

:::Perspective is Everything:::

**Disclaimer: Names have been changed in this blog... because... just because. :) **

Today is FREEZING. That promise of snow I mentioned earlier was a promise well-kept - it's almost like a BLIZZARD outside today!
It started yesterday and should continue for a few more days... making life on the driving roads extremely hazardous and at times stressful.

*sigh* I miss summer... I miss warmth... I can't wait to be in a warm place (hopefully) next year. Hmm... yay for my next phase of life. :)
Anyways... onto my story. few days ago I was able to chat with a beautiful beautiful girl named Hannah. Hannah is beautiful, not only physically but inwardly too.

Now I've never personally, physically met Hannah. I learned about her two days after I got engaged... So back on September 6th, I learned that Hannah existed.
The Sunday after I got engaged was a great day! I of course was still walking on clouds... the love of my life just asked me to marry him ontop of a 14,000 foot mountain in the state I grew up in and surrounded by the people we love most in the world. That was Friday.
This was Sunday. September 6th. My tia (spanish for "aunt") came over for lunch to celebrate with us, and during lunch she received a phone call from her daughter, my cousin Jessica. Jess was crying hysterically, so much so that my tia couldn't understand what she was saying.
I watched as my tia's face became very serious and her eyes filled with tears. She replied a few more soft spoken words to Jessica before hanging up the phone. She turned to me, "Jo, do you know Anthony?"

"Yea I do! I knew him from highschool, why?"

"He just died in a car accident."

:(

Needless to say I cried that day. Which was rough. That weekend was such an emotional roller coaster for me... Friday was happier than anything and Sunday I was sadder than I'd been in a long time. I couldn't believe sweet, loveable, stud athlete, hilarious Anthony had died.

That's when I learned about Hannah. My tia told me that Anthony had just become recently engaged a month before his accident. Now, especially due to the recent circumstances in my life(aka recently becoming engaged) that hit even MORE close to home. I couldn't imagine what Hannah was going through. Ugh the ache in my heart was so heavy for her. She was in my prayers immediately.
Well I ended up befriending Hannah, which broke my heart even more because everything she had posted on her profile was all about her love, Anthony, on Facebook and then one day I saw that she was online so I started talking to her.
Facebook chat sucks. It never really works, always freezes up, and more or less is just a huge nuisance than anything else. BUT luckily... today was different. I talked to Hannah for about 30 minutes, introducing myself first as a distant friend of Anthony's and the conversation just took off from there. She explained what happened the day Anthony died, the series of events that followed the accident and how she was doing now.
Tears filled my eyes as I watched each chat series she wrote pop up onto my screen... the story was so incredibly heart-breaking I couldn't even believe it. The things she wrote and told me were so incredibly tragic and made me want to just curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out.

Her story affected me more than I think she realizes though.
As you probably know, I'm recently engaged.... been engaged since September 4th. To the love of my life. I'm so grateful.
And as MANY of you probably know, planning a wedding is stresssssssful, to say the least. Atleast, it can be. And that's what Hannah help put into perspective for me.
This time in my life, when I talked to Hannah, has been nothing but incredibly stressful for me. I'm trying to figure things out with the wedding, plan details, find venues, pick colors, work out my colors with the fact that he'll be in Air Force Uniform.... ahh just a ton of little decisions that are overwhelming and stressing me out.
I can't find a dress that I like perfectly... or then I do but then I find another one that I like as well and it's just stress stress stress piling up!!
On top of that, I've had a bad attitude for like the past month, constantly getting in fights over stupid wedding stuff with my family, and sometimes even Billy... and honestly I've been more depressed about this whole "planning a wedding" thing more than excited and it's just a tough, crappy place to be in... and honestly I didn't see that my horrible attitude about the situation was more of the proble then anything else.
And honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I would've been dragging, well, more like sulking, in my horrible attitude about life and wedding planning, if it wasn't for Hannah.

Here I am, stressing out about finding a "perfect dress" or finding the "perfect colors" and stressing out to the point of being a jerk to the people around me I love the most. Then I meet Hannah.... meet somebody who's life has been dramatically changed, who would do anything to be in my position now, whether it's stressful or not, and here I am taking my fiance, my family, my wedding for granted.
Ugh needless to say I felt HORRIBLE after talking to her. That has been the biggest life lesson I've learned in a while.
Fact is, we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. The love of my life isn't guaranteed to be in my life tomorrow, same with my family.
I've never realized before this time how incredibly crucial your attitude is. Attitude truly is everything. You can choose to be positive in your life, and have a good perspective, or you can choose to just get frustrated, annoyed, or stressed over something that at the end of the day won't matter whatsoever.
What matters most is your perspective and attitude about something. I can choose to love my life, enjoy this time of wedding planning (which honestly is something I've been dreaming about forever,) or I can choose to get frustrated over little things, taking for granted and badly treating the people in my life I love the most.

Moral of the Story:
Life is good::Perspective is Essential.

Read My Friends Blog here: www.heathers-journeys.blogspot.com

:::Transition Phase:::

Today is a good day.


There's a crisp chill in the air.... my stummy is still filled to the brim on Thanksgiving feasty food. All which was incredibly delicious btw...

The trees are naked and the promise of snow is hovering over the mountains.

But sometimes my heart isn't here. Today, it isn't.


Today I'm rewound in my thoughts to exactly 1 year ago.

- 1 year ago I was on a beautiful island. I had just said goodbye to my love who had surprised me by flying into Honolulu and spending Thanksgiving with me. (Best surprise of my life... besides the most recent one that happened on the summit of a 14er...)

- 1 year ago I was laying on the beach in Waikiki with my mom and sister... just having eaten a lot of sushi and
- 1 year ago I was surrounded by incredible people who were all excited to be heading off to their specific outreach countries.

- 1 year ago....

Thinking back on one year ago... at a time in my life that was so different than now... I can't help but think about one year from now.

- 1 year from now I will have been married for exactly 6 months to my best friend.
- 1 year from now I will either be in Georgia or Colorado... but this time just for a visit.
- 1 year from now I will have a completely different life from the one I have right now.


I'm a planner. I love calendars: schedules: organizations: dates.

I love knowing where I'll be and what I'll be doing.

Sometimes that desire to know though, comes back and bites me in the butt because honestly it's completely out of my control. My future, my dreams, all of it is out of my control and sometimes that scares me. And frustrates me.

I feel like I'm right in the middle of life... like, I'm exactly a year from where my life was completely different... and exactly a year until life will be completely different again //// stuck in the middle is what I feel like.

But I guess the good thing is that, God is in the middle. He meets me where I'm at. He meets me right when I feel like I'm stuck in a transition phase, with no plans, no knowledge of where/what I'll be doing with my life, no ideas. He meets me here. And comforts me and cradles me. And it's GOOD.

Satan loves to visit me at this time in my life. He loves to be my friend and whisper lies into my ear... he loves to catch me up in all my worries and fears. (P.S. That rhymed what what.)

I hate that. I hate that he catches me when I'm weak, and frustrated, and doubtful. He catches me when he knows he can get me good... but I don't want to live that life of fear and doubt anymore.

I want to stand on truth.

A year ago, I was surrounded by truth. That was my life, that was my love, and people in my life were all on board with me.

Here I am, a year later, in such a bizarre place to be and I'm scared. Worried. Doubtful. With no plans of where I'll be, what I'll be, and what my life will even look like.

But I'm choosing not to let satan win. He is the author of lies and confusion... he is the author of fear and regret. I don't want him to rule my heart or my mind.

Jesus is Lord of my life, and I'm setting my heart on Him. He's reliable and I'm going to lean on that with all my weight, all my heart, all my life.

:::aka Jacob:::

Hello October *smile*

So... despite the cooooold weather in Colorado this morning, today was a great day! I was able to sleep in, show my parents and sister the incredibly CUTE church Billy and I are planning to get married in, and, the best part, skype with my AMAZING friend from YWAM!!

Now, for the sake of internet/missionary security, we will call him Jacob:) Jacob is a missionary in India, and one of the most IN LOVE WITH GOD men I've ever met in my entire life! I met him about a year ago in Hawaii during my DTS. He had done his DTS many many years before I did mine, so he was very familiar and close friends with my school director and all the staff for my school, so at first when he came I was a little intimidated by him to be honest.

For one thing, everyone was SO excited about him being there to visit; his reputation was SO amazing amongst the directors and staff of my school, so he was known to be a pretty awesome guy from the beginning.


Then, on top of that, he had long black curly hair and dressed like a real missionary(/hippie) so that intimidated me too, for some weird reason ha:) He was 23 years old and had accomplished more in his life for the Kingdom of God than most 23 year old guys I'd met in my lifetime.


He had flown in to surprise one of his best friend who was getting married that weekend in Honolulu. Jacob was supposed to be in the wedding but told his friend that he wouldn't be able to make it, so when he showed up a few days before the wedding, all the way from India, you can guess the excitement that was on the small, humble little Honolulu YWAM base:) It was a REALLY great surprise, Jacob was able to stand by his friend on his wedding day which was SO special and cool. He ended up staying in Hawaii for a couple weeks and just hung out on base with the staff and students. He even taught a lesson for our school while he was there.


Now, if there is one word in the english language that can describe Jacob, it's PASSION. His talk was SO amazing, SO filled with passion!!! He shared his testimony during that talk which was pretty incredible.

Anyways, he talked to me about the incredible stuff God is doing in India.

Encouraged my heart so so much. God is moving in signs and wonders... He's moving in the hearts of the people in India. Jacob has jumped on board with everything God has in His heart for India and I'm so incredibly excited!!

If you're ever feeling like God is far away.... or completely interested in everything but the lives of people on this earth.... remember that.

Remember that His hands are moving and His Spirit is alive and well. Jacob and his ministry are living proof of that. Glory to God!


Shaaaaaalom.

:::Mine:::

Wake me up when September ends... well that's in like 1 day so I better hurry and write this ehh?? :)
jk.

I am an engaged woman.
...

let me repeat that.


I am an engaged woman.

!!!! WHAT??? When did that happen???

Haha honestly I can't believe this phase of life is even real for me right now. I've DREAMED of this for as long as I can remember. I've had my wedding planned since I was like, 6. (Of course, my styles and tastes have changed since then, but you get the drift.)
The shock isn't only from me tho, I've had the same reaction from my best friends. They keep saying, "Jo, remember when we talked about being engaged in 5th grade c vffff and how we wanted to get proposed and all of that?? Well... it's like, real for you now."
Everybody is literally freaking out about it.

But I prolly have more freakout moments than anybody else. I'm so incredibly happy/excited/nervous/freaked/shocked/ecstatic. It's all so surreal to me!!

-- I can't believe I now KNOW the face of the man that will be waiting for me at the end of the aisle. (Never could I guess that he'd be so dang hot!! Lucky me:) I can't believe I now KNOW the name of the man I've been praying for all these years:)
-- I can't believe I can actually write my first name with my crush's last name.... and have it actually be LEGIT!!!! :)

I am so blessed. I am blessed to love and be loved by a man like my fiance.
Not only is he really fun to look at, but he has the most INCREDIBLE heart.
The people he loves in his life, he truly LOVES.
He is real and SO down to earth.
He loves God and doesn't try to fake their relationship; when he's on fire he's on fire and when he's dry, he doesn't cover that up.
He's taught me more about myself than anybody else I've ever known.
He loves me SO unconditionally, through my mistakes and my imperfections and my emotions and my temper and even at one point my slight unfaithfulness.
He is the MOST forgiving person I've ever met in my life.
He is not afraid to be himself around me, and I think we are more than 100% comfortable around each other.
He makes me laugh and laugh.
He's sarcastic (which makes for great little flirting sessions since I'm pretty sarcastic as well:)
He's not impressed with superficial things in life, he's the simplest guy.
He brings such security to me; since our first date he's been so sure about us and his confidence has only grown since then and has even rubbed off on me.
He sucks at talking on the phone, in general, but when I'm on the other line, he's the exception:)
He's not afraid to let me in his heart, and I'm so grateful because it's such a precious thing.
He seeks out mentors in his life; men who are wise and in love with Jesus and he seeks out their opinions and values them!
He's SO GOOD at communicating! Seriously, I thought I was good but since we've started dating, I realize that I have a LOT to work on.
He's so patient with me:)
He loves me SO well.

And the list could go on and on, no joke. He's incredible. I'm so blessed. If there's such a thing as a soul-mate then I've met mine:)

Thank You Jesus.

:::I said YES!:::

On September 4th, 2009, I promised to marry the love of my life!!

Here is the Story::

So I found out through some extensive research that Billy needed to talk to my parents about something, but that they... "can't tell Jocelyn, it's a surprise!" Of course... being a female in love... I immediately assume the "obvious." He's gonna propose!!!

A few days/questions later, Billy admits that he actually HAS been trying to hide something but that he doesn't think he will be able to hide it from me much longer... "My parents, Sarah, and grandparents are coming in for Parents Weekend. We were supposed to surprise you, but it'll be hard to keep it a secret. I talked to your parents about it and they said they can all stay at your house." (*He's so sneaky*) :)

My assumptions immediately fade - So THAT'S what the "surprise" was!

All thoughts of possible upcoming proposals quickly disappear and I'm back to settling on the gameplan, that is, a proposal in January, which is what Billy had expressed he wanted to do in an earlier conversation I had with him.

Of course I'm still excited though, I love his family and hadn't seen them in a while! So a bunch of Stainbacks and Millers fly in Thursday for Billy's very last Parents Weekend at the Air Force Academy. Thursday night we had a delicious El Salvadorean dinner with my family at my house, which was SO much fun! Our families get along SO well - what a blessing. :)

Friday rolls around and we have the annual Parents Weekend Parade that all the cadets participate in followed by shadowing the cadets in a few of their classes at the Academy.

After those EXTREMELY ENTERTAINING classes, Billy had made reservations for both our families to ride the Cog Rail Train in Manitou Springs up Pikes Peak. The train departed that day at 2:40 pm, and despite the slight tardiness that tends to be a trend in both our families, we arrive in time to buy our tickets and get on the train...

Destination: 14,115 Feet in the Air... the Summit of Pikes Peak. :)

(Remember... I still had NO CLUE about any of his plans... my mind and heart were set on and ok with January.)

We finally approach the summit, all bundled up in our jackets and sweaters, and being that it was a particularly cloudy day, we didn't have much of a view of Colorado Springs. I didn't mind really, because I love Pikes Peak anyways, but everyone else (especially Billy) seemed to be a little bummed out about it... and I couldn't figure out why. (It's because EVERYBODY ELSE KNEW BUT ME! Haha:)

I immediately head inside the Gift Shop for some of the World Famous Pikes Peak Donuts and my mom rushes after me, "Jo! Hurry up come outside, there is a clearing in the clouds and we need to hurry to take pictures!"

"But Mom... I wanna donut..."
"No Jo, you need to go outside NOW!"
".... ok ok ok."

I head outside, where mine and Billy's family are all waiting by the cliff's edge to pose for the picture. After that group picture, Billy says, "Ok now I want a picture with just Jocelyn."

So everyone moves away and it's just me and Billy on the cliff's edge. I'm all posed, waiting for the picture, when he takes my hands in his... I just look at him,"Billy... what are you doing?" and he just smiles his perfect smile... and I slowly begin to realize whats happening...

............................... <3> ...............................

"Marry me Juliet, you'll never have to be alone... I love you and that's all I really know... I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress... it's a love story, Baby just say..."

"YES! YES YES YES!!!" :)

The man of my dreams proposed to me 14,115 feet in the air... surrounded by the people we love most in the world, and in the presence of the God of the Ages, who's imagination is SO MUCH better than mine:) The proposal was more perfect than anything I could've ever dreamed of... and I'm SO INCREDIBLY grateful!!!

Oh, how He loves us so.

Thank you Jesus.

:)

:::August where did you go??:::

I can't believe a whole month has gone by with no blog! Believe me... there is no good reason for this. I will post one soon. Because writing is so good for my heart. And Jesus likes to talk to me through writing. So.... it's needed:)

:::Why I love blogging:::

Haven't blogged in a while... which isn't good because I blog more for myself than for anyone. It's my way of processing things and therefore is pretty essential to my well-being and emotional sanity.

I guess a way to describe how I'm feeling now and have been feeling these past few months since my get-away to foreign lands through an organization I love and call YWAM, would be, complacent. Not passionate. Dull. I feel as though I've been sitting in the waiting room of my life for the past 10 years. Just sitting, waiting. Not knowing what my future will hold, what the new plans God has for my life will be. Not knowing with to keep/quit my job. No knowing whether to finish school completely or hold it out for a couple semesters. Not knowing whether to just drop everything all together and move to Fiji to do missions for a few months or just stick around, let life take its course.

What's worse is that, while sitting here in the waiting room... boredom creeping in by the minute... I find myself getting distracted. Distracted with life, family, work, comparing myself, dreams, relationships.

Here's the thing. I've met Jesus Christ. I asked Him to become the Lord of my life almost exactly 10 years ago, and growing up I have realized that I will never taste or see anything more fulfilling or rewarding in my life. Nothing else in the world will ever satisfy. Nothing else in the world could possibly offer me more joy, more hope, more LIFE.

BUT. (Big but.) When you spend the last few years of your life asking Christ to wreck you from the ordinary, and He actually does it, trying to live life in this world is extremely and emotionally detrimental and consuming. And pointless, as a matter of fact.

I'm tired of the waiting room. I'm tired of complacency. I know God put me on this earth for a purpose bigger than just earning money and being a friendly person.

I want to live a life full of passion. I want to be passionate about my God, my family, people. I want to be passionate about bringing His Kingdom to earth. I want to be passionate about His truth, seeing it break chains and transform lives. I want to be passionate about walking in the Spirit, not fulfilling the lustful desires of the flesh but walking in the power and authority that Christ died on the Cross to give us. Lord, refuel my fire!!!!!!


I feel right now in my heart I need to re-grasp this concept of someone loving me enough to save my life and take my place. I need to really GET this concept in my heart. I want to know this Man, this Abba, on a deeper level.
I've been reading over some blogs recently that are so real and raw. Makes me realize that I need to change perspective, challenging my own heart and thoughts.

I need to grasp the reality that I have NEVER been unloved.
YOU have never been unloved.
You have never been unloved.

As a sweet girl named Christa says... "'you have NEVER been unloved. even in the backseat of that car...even in that abortion clinic...even when you were doing the worst of the worst...that deepest darkest secret. in your most despicable moment...you have NEVER been unloved.'

I dunno about you, but that's HUGE. That's TRUTH. It's POWERFUL.

Here's something to think about.
So many people think that in order to be a Christian, you have to be GOOD. Perfect. You have to have it all together. Well that's a lie.
A favorite author of mine, A. W. Tozer, said this: "A Christian is no morally better than a sinner, the only difference is that He has taken Jesus, so He has a Savior."

He doesn't say that a Christian has discovered a 10 step process to being a better person and living a better life. We are no morally different than a sinner, but he simply states that now we have a Savior! Well, if Christians are so perfect, why would they need a Savior??

...

Well, that's where we find the lie. God doesn't say, "Ok Jo, when you have your life figured out, THEN you can come up to my Altar... worship me... and maybe, depending on how nice you were that day, you can have a relationship with me. So, get better Jo! Because only when you become a good person, THEN will I love you with an everlasting love."

No. Romans 5:8 says "While we were still weak, at the right time, Christ died for the UNGODLY."
Nobody just DIES for somebody, unless they love them. Really, self-sacrificialy love them.

And the Bible doesn't say that Christ died for the "godly" or the "perfect people." He died for the UNGODLY, the people that were most unlike HIM, (since He's God.) And it goes on to explain why: "... God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

I don't want to be a woman that has it all together! I want to be raw, PASSIONATE, real, ALIVE. I want to be broken, consistently running to God and being needy of a Savior. I want to walk this life as if the God of the universe is in love with me, and unconditionally too.

Thanks for letting me process.
And try to let that sink in....

YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN UNLOVED.



You have NEVER been unloved.
While you were, and are, still a sinner, God showed His great LOVE for you.

You have NEVER been unloved.



So. I don't really know what to name this post. It jumps from me being in a tough spot, to me trying to help you, (and essentially myself,) grasp the concept of never being unloved. That's why I love blogging:) I get to sort through the crap in my own heart, and turn it around, making it less about me and my problems and making it more, and eventually ALL, about Him. This Man, so amazing, so ridiculous, so controversial, so OTHER.
I NEED to know this Man!

He is truth. He offers life. He brings me Joy. Even when I don't deserve it. He is my strength. I need to start living like the God of the Universe is in love with me... unconditionally, and never-ending.

Thanks for letting me process.
And try to let that truth sink deeper than your mind.... down about 12 more inches... penetrating your heart:)

YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN UNLOVED.

"Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds." - Psalms 36:5