Hello Growth:::

What an amazing month.

The emotional roller coaster that these past few months have been have resulted in EXTREME happiness, such gratefulness and a solid understand of where I am and where I am not.

Elaboration:

I am unbelievably blown away by how much favor has fallen on my husband. It may not seem like a big deal to some people, and it probably definitely isn’t a big deal to most, but when you’ve had the “behind the scenes” view for the past year in regards to Pilot Training, these accomplishments are incredibly monumental for you.

I’ve been there for the “crap I’m not gonna make it” moments and the “I hooked (aka failed) my ride today” moments and the “I’m definitely not number 1 in the class” moments and the “My weekend will only consist of studying for 30 hours” moments and the “If I study for one more minute I’m going to explode” moments.

As a spouse, who prior to this training had never even been in a real plane’s cockpit before much less FLOWN the darn thing, my role as an encourager is a little less tangible than your typical wife.

Phrases like “It’s gonna be OK” or “You will do better next time” hold little value when your husband knows you really most likely have no idea what he even did wrong to FAIL the ride in the first place… how do I REALLY know he’s gonna do better next time? How do I REALLY know it’s gonna be OK?

It’s a weird, weird thing. To encourage a man to believe in himself when, I’ll be honest, sometimes I had my own doubts that he would do well... WHOOPS, wives can’t say that, I earn the bad wife award I guess… but I’m just being honest. This training is stupidly difficult, & sometimes I tend to believe the realistic view over the optimistic view… my bad. BUT imagine having your stress level on HIGH for a solid YEAR. Come on – any realist could see it, and sometimes I had my doubts.

But here’s the thing. In the past few months I have cried, freaked out, been so nervous to the point of feeling sick, had consuming thoughts, and, in summary, really NOT TRUSTED JESUS with WHATEVER outcome He had for us.

This phase gave me a solid understanding of where I am and where I am not: I AM in a place of needing TOTAL control instead of resting in TOTAL faith and I am NOT in a place where I think God’s plan is a trustworthy one, or better than mine, essentially.

Painful.

Up until our Drop Night on February 24^th, my emotions could be accurately described as SCARED TO DEATH of what was to come, TRYING to convince myself that He already knew & it was going to be OK, and FOCUSING on anything else except the CONSUMING FEARS that Drop Night brought to me.

Maybe some people read this and thing I’m being a HUGE Drama Mama, and I probably was, but regardless this event felt like a HUGE weight on my shoulders and a constant reminder of where I was and was not in regards to my faith.

Well obviously, things worked out well & we got what we wanted. God already knew we would be leaving Del Rio & let us know in SUCH a fun way on Friday, February 24^th. Needless to say, I was ecstatic. EXTREMELY happy if you will. J It was such a special night that left me feeling like a stupid little kid… I felt God was smiling at me, shaking His head saying “SEE? Why did you lose all that sleep? Why did you try to man-handle everything to work out? Why didn’t you trust me?”

I’m not so dumb to think that if we were forced to stay in Del Rio that God wouldn’t be in control of that as well… His response would be something like, “I know it’s not what you want but believe me, when you look back, you’re gonna see my hand in ALL of it. I know what’s best, and now you can stay in Del Rio & trust that I have you here for a reason.” And there would’ve been SO MUCH BEAUTY in that assignment as well.

HE. HAS. CONTROL.

HE. HAS. A. PLAN.

HE. KNOWS.

Whether staying or going… He knows. He does. He is. And as my heart was exploding with gratefulness to Him that night for “giving us the desires of our hearts” to get stationed in New Jersey & for Bill to fly his Dream Plane… as my heart was exploding with gratefulness, it was also filled with a sense of realization of where I am RIGHT NOW & where I don’t want to be anymore.

Ever since I’ve moved from Colorado to Texas, I’ve felt SO different in regards to my Faith.

I’ve missed SO BADLY having that CONSTANT COMMUNITY of believers, the weekly EPIC worship sessions that left me coming back to Him over and over and over again, the coffee dates with sweet friends that turned into hours of conversations of how AWESOME Almighty God is to us.

It’s been a GOOD year, a year that’s revealed ugly & molded new & CHANGED so much wrong perspective that I thought would be embedded in my heart forever… you can read some of changed perspective “newness” in this post… but in light of all the analytical shifting, I’ve missed the TANGIBLE, EMOTIONAL, POWERFUL, gatherings that I was so used to back in Colorado Springs. Maybe that stuff is hyped up, maybe it’s superficial & I’m POSITIVE it’s not essential to life in Christ… but either way it’s hard to lose. It’s hard when you move from a lush garden to a desert – that transition can cause somewhat of an identity crisis if it’s your first time, at least for me it did.

But as I was reading over some old notes from my days at theMill “THIRSTY” Retreat I was reminded by something incredible. I believe it was something Glenn Packiam had said during one of his sermons. My notes read:

“If you have roots by a stream, it doesn’t matter when exterior things dry up. God may dry up the rain for a season – to remind us about THE STREAM that NEVER dries up!

- Desert time gets us to a place of mystery to develop our roots so they can go DEEPER.”

AWE. SOME.

Many, many days this past year were focused on my dry leaves. Many, many days this past year, I had completely forgotten about the STREAM that NEVER dries up. What a shame to focus so much on the change and forget about the ONE Constant!!!

Growth happens in change, I can see that now, and as my life has changed so much this year, I TRUST God that regardless of how “dry” this year has felt for me in my faith, He still is a stream that remains and will remain. And He’s not done with me. He proved that over the past few months, showing me just how long I still had to go, and loving me enough to still give us the desires of our hearts in spite of our lack of faith… and by our I guess I really meant “MY” lack of faith… Bill seemed pretty calm through it all, haha… thank you Jesus for giving me a tangible, solid (not to mention freaking gorgeous) immovable rock in the midst of my emotional turmoil. :)

SO yes. Crazy few months… emotional few months… change is yet again on the horizon as we very soon will leave the great state of Texas and head for the East Coast… I’m excited/somewhat nervous to see what this upcoming change will reveal regarding the state my heart is in… but I’m SO excited to hopefully move from this “dry” season into new community, new opportunity, and new GROWTH!

Cheers to PAINFUL GROWTH – so necessary in order to become more like Him… a goal that I would SO LIKE to consume my heart, once and for all.

::: UPT is OVER!

A year ago TODAY, Billy walked into the "Knight's" Flight Room & this (crazy) journey called Pilot Training began.

I was rudely introduced to 12hr work days and flight schedules and night weeks and STUDYING STUDYING STUDYING and, combined with my recently acquired 40 hr/week job, I got used to rarely seeing my husband.

It was a new journey for us, and we were ready (so we thought) and went into the program with one goal in mind... Air Force Pilot Wings!

We've been through some very low lows -where Billy was sure he wouldn't make it through program - and some very high highs - where I'd come home to a husband beaming after an having an "excellent" Check Ride.

Our timeline in a nutshell:

Phase 1 Academics?

-YES WE MADE IT THROUGH. Never failed a test!

-Woo hoo, way to study hard & be good at test-taking.

T6 Phase 2?

- First Dollar Ride in a T-6

-HOLY CRAP HOW DO I FLY THIS PLANE!

- Introduction to 12hr work days

-"Jocelyn, I don't think I'm going to make it. I'm not doing well."

- Studying, studying, studying. Slowly improving.

- Cross-Country trips

- YOU DID IT! Now onto Track Night...

Phase 3?

- Aw bummer, you didn't get a T38 :( --- (Trusting God)

- Introduction to 5am Flight Room SHOW TIMES (ugh.)

- "You know, I think I'm really gonna like flying the T1..."

- "OH MY GOSH I LOVE THE T-1!!"

- "Thank GOD I didn't get a T-38!!!" - haha :)

- "Jocelyn I got an Excellent on my check ride!!!"

:)

As I type this, Billy is on his *VERY LAST FLIGHT* in Pilot Training!

I have tears in my eyes as I think back on God's LOVE, His GRACE, His FAVOR, His PLAN, and especially HIS FAITHFULNESS to us during this time.

I am SO INSANELY RIDICULOUSLY proud of my husband.

His attitude, his heart, his WORK ETHIC, his focus, his drive, his determination, and how he still managed to keep me a priority during this crazy year of life.

I love him so much & could not be PROUDER of the man he is and the man he has become over this tough year.

SO LONG PILOT TRAINING!!!

It's been a blast/pain/heartache/victory for us... we survived you, and now...

...on to Drop Night...

:)

7 Days & counting....

HERE WE GO!!

:::Word of the Year:::

Ahhhhh, Passion.

The past few days I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs (in my heart, of course.) “I WANNA BE AT PASSION!”

At the same volume and decibel level, I’ve paralleled those silent screams with, “THANK YOU JESUS FOR TECHNOLOGY!”

Seriously? What an awesome time in history to live in.

I can watch Louie Giglio preach a sermon to 44,000 people and join in worship with Chris Tomlin & Hillsong United even though I’m thousands of miles away, in a tiny town on the border.

I’ve battled emotions in my heart of longing to be there and experience it all first hand, and reminding myself that Jesus isn’t exclusive only to people at Passion – I can cultivate His presence & worship Him RIGHT NOW, in my real day to day life here in Texas. I’m ok with that. And the times when I didn’t feel ok with that, that just revealed to me more of my heart. The ugly side, of course.

It blows my mind how in need I am of God’s grace.

I have access to Him every moment of every day – I have and HAVE HAD an open invitation to a relationship of the purest, most unconditional love, and sometimes I forget. Or ignore. Or pretend that I don’t need it. How foolish.

I’ve recently caught on to the trend that people are labeling certain years with WORDS: my sweet friend Jessica, for example, had “hope” as her “word theme” for 2010. This year, her “word of the year” is Joy.

A wonderful woman who’s blog I recently discovered – Ann Voskamp – ALSO labels each year with a word. Bunny Trail: This woman writes in the most beautiful way I’ve seen in a long time. Her style of writing paints a picture and I can feel the heartbeat behind each word, I NEVER read her blog and click on the small upper-right cornered “X” feeling like I wanna stay the same, where I am. It is so inspiring.

That being said, the other day I read her blog for the new year. Of course, it was beautiful. I was moved; left me wanting more, wanting deeper, wanting change, wanting NEW.

Here's an excerpt from it...

"Contentment isnt a state of organization, a weight on the scale, a state of better: better kids, better marriage, better health, better house.

Contentment is never a matter of circumstances; contentment is always a state of communion - a daily embracing of God - and moment and life just as He gives it.

Trying harder may only bring harder trials, and contentment won't be found in the resolutions, but in the revolutions: in the turning round to God."

Say hello to my new “word of the year” – CONTENTMENT.

Which we now see has more action in it besides trying to convince myself of clutching to a particular state of mind...

This tiny excerpt from a profound blog mixed with occasional livestream glimpses of what God is doing on downtown Atlanta has left me starving for something else.

Life is too short to live in a state of rebellion against a God who literally IS LOVE – He is the source of it, the root of it. You can’t have LOVE apart from God because it doesn’t exist.

That being said, I don’t want to rebel against Love, I want to be drowned in it. And brought back to life in it. I want all that Love has for me & I want my heart to be solely and wholly attached to it.

“Contentment is always a state of communion…” – the hands of contentment fit perfectly in the hands of love. Both hands probably have a tattoo of “thankfulness” written on their palms, and gripped tightly all the same.

That being said, my “new years resolution” if you will – more like my constant LIFE resolution that I’m just piggy-backing onto a list of to-do’s for the first week of January – is to live in COMMUNION with this wholly OTHER and wholly HOLY King of Kings.

Communion with Jesus really can only produce GOOD GOOD THINGS:

Communion with Him makes you see how small you are… squash pride welcome humility.

Communion with Him makes you see who YOU are… squash fear welcome identity.

Communion with Him makes you see the big picture… squash selfishness welcome worship.

Communion with Him makes you want Him more… squash apathy welcome obsession.

Communion with Him makes you capable of doing anything… squash insecurity welcome PASSION.

On the second to last day of 2011, I was driving in my handsome brother’s car and as I started the car, a song was playing on his ipod that I hadn’t heard in F O R E V E R.

The song was called Magnificent Obsession by Steven Curtis Chapman – an oldie but a gooooooodie.

As the song began, a song that like said I hadn’t heard in FOREVER mind you, the lyrics started coming back to memory:

“Lord you how much, I wanna know so much, in the way of answers and expectations…

I have tried and prayed, and still I seem to stay, in the middle of life’s complications.

All this pursuing leaves me feelings like I’m chasing down the wind..

But now it’s brought me back to you, and I can see again…

This is everything I want, this is everything I need.

I want You to be my one CONSUMING PASSION.

Everything my heart desires, Lord I want it all to be for YOU Jesus,

be my Magnificent Obsession!

Return me to the cross, let me be completely lost

In the wonder of your grace & your mercy

Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things...

Let all my dreams fall to the ground until this ONE remains…”

- YEP. Tears. Perhaps, a product of birth control and a self-promise to let my heart feel deep deep emotions – of friends or stories or situations or the like.

These tears to me at that moment represented a mourning of the life I’ve let myself live and the hope of the upcoming new year and new-NESS.

But what was really making me cry were the lyrics of that last line... "let all my dreams fall to the ground until this ONE remains..." WHAT? All my DREAMS? Is that really want I want, to only let ONE of my many big dreams remain & sacrifice the rest?

I got to thinking about it, between wiping my wet eyes, and decided that my answer would be YES LORD.

If I’m going to pray a prayer regarding dreams, as I welcome this new year, I’m going to pray that ALL MY OTHER DREAMS WOULD FALL TO THE GROUND UNTIL JUST ONE DREAM REMAINS – the dream of Jesus becoming my magnificent Obsession.

I have a feeling that this prayer is both stupid and scary but it’s not.

I have a feeling that that’s what I want in the deepest deeps of my heart even though sometimes in the shallowed shallows of my mind I can’t grip it.

I have a feeling that this is what I need to literally survive – and this magnificent obsession will bring my word of the year to LIFE – TO MY LIFE.

How to get there?

“Embrace every scar as surgery — to make me more like His Son.

Embrace every pain as a peeling away of something - to make me know it in new ways, that He is enough.

Embrace every moment as a miracle - that it might never have been. That makes me to walk to all is grace." - Ann Voskamp

Hello. Funny how much Perspective Change = beginning of contentment.

The perspective change in regards to pain/fear/doubt/insecurity can change your whole outlook on your life… and words like HOPE, JOY, AND CONTENTMENT can just AWAKEN to you and become something more than a pretty word that you can hang up on your wall.

Of course, I write to process. So these ideas I am screaming to myself in the mirror right now more than just sharing. At times I feel far from letting these words become untangible descriptions of my day instead of pretty words that I decorate my home with – but I’m going there, moving forward in that direction with a willing heart, which I guess is the first step anyways.

I want to be content with ALL things. It’s a NEW YEAR – a new beginning and a fresh start means grace and a fresh start means no shame and all surpassing peace if you know that your future is held tightly by someone who DIED for you.

Rest in it. Be content with it.

He really is a good, good Savior.

:::New:Blank:Fresh:::

I soooo very much love New Years.

It's my favorite holiday, hands down.

I'm a date person, I love & remember dates & anniversaries of special events. I can tell you the date of my husband & my's first kiss... our whole timeline. I got it down to a T.

That being said... the idea of a "new year" is directly equivalent to a fresh start, and I can say that I LOVE fresh starts almost as much as I love calendars.

I feel like everything "new" is so equivalent to Jesus' will for your/my life.

He comes in, right smack dab in the middle of my perfectly unhealthy mess, and initiates the clean-up.

Not only does he initiate cleanup, but he fixes the broken parts, glues together the shattered pieces, and spit-shine's the embarrassing, dust-covered/stained corners til' I'm pure as snow. BRAND. NEW.

Unbelievable.

Right now I'm listening to lyrics that have literally SO been ingrained in my brain with their beautiful melody, ever since I was a wee youngin' during my days at _tag... but I can't imagine God putting a more perfect song in my ears at this exact moment than this very tune:

"A thousand times I've failed, still You're Mercy remains... should I stumble again, I'm caught in Your Grace..."

I don't know of a more enticing invitation than that. Especially with the intimately personal knowledge I have of the messy, dark, cob-webbed corners of my own heart.

2011 is O V E R.

I love ending chapters & starting new ones.

And I HATE ending chapters right in the middle of the chapter.

I believe Jesus is so perfectly timely in his idea of New Years - He's done it over and over again in my life. (Every 365 give/take days to be exact.)

What's funny is, that sometimes, as I enter what I believe to be in my heart a NEW, BLANK, FRESH PAGE... I always have my flesh speak up & REMIND me to admit that I don't deserve it. Or that I'll fail if I try with this "fresh, clean start" - so why try?

Nonsense...

"A Thousand times I've failed... still Your mercy remains... should I stumble again?" Oh yes. More like WHEN I stumble again.

Mind you, it's only the second day of the new year and I'm ashamed to admit that the word "WHEN" in that particular context has applied more times than I'll let you know.

It looks like so: Impatience. Doubt. Lack of faith. Lack of contentment. Jealousy. Fear. Pride. Pride. Pride.

Ugh. Forever will I battle?

"It's about the JOURNEY - not the DESTINATION..."

Or as my ridiculously awesome brother told me over Christmas break... something that his sweet friend shared with him...

"We aren't human BEINGS... we are human BECOMINGS..."

We are CONSTANTLY BECOMING - we are constantly moving towards SOMETHING... you decide what that "thing" is!

The second we think we've "made it" - whether in regards to our character, status, heart, relationship with God, etc... we've missed the point entirely.

Oh pride I hate you.

Yet you seem to love me!

NO.

2012 - I welcome you. Because of what you represent to me - because of the promise of NEW-NESS that Jesus is whispering to my heart... because of the chance to close a chapter and begin a beautiful one, again.

Time to start fresh - whatever that looks like to you.

To me?

Yes, I'm starting fresh.

Re-committing my heart, my life, my thoughts, my emotions - to the King who literally deserves it all in a way that I don't have words to express.

Sometimes I think, {{how many times do I have to freakin' do this??}}

BUT it's in the moment that, when I think I have exhausted myself from trying {again} to recommit & make the decision to do so no longer... that my heart will literally DIE.

NEVER!

A Thousand times I've failed - STILL HIS MERCY REMAINS!

Should I stumble again - I'M CAUGHT IN HIS GRACE!!

Don't let your pride keep you from falling on your face... again... and humbling yourself before a God who's love will NEVER FAIL YOU.

Don't let your pride keep you from admitting that you need a fresh start... again.. and walking that walk ahead, but this time with FAITH and not an obsession with your "GOOD DEEDS."

Don't take this fresh, blank page & throw it away out of ego - and don't take it and scribble nonsense on it because "it's what you've been doing all along and what you deserve..."

Believe me - I don't deserve this second (actually, more like 3,425th) chance AGAIN. I don't.

But at this point I have a choice to make.

Believe God can redeem me, broken, ugly, pathetic, slug-like ME, - believe I need my heart and mind to be RENEWED DAILY to walk this thing I'm talking - and BELIEVE that My FAITH ALONE is counted to me as righteousness...

EG: "All our righteous deeds are like filthy rags..." - Isaiah 64:6

Not just believe in God... but BELIEVE HIM!!

Take Him at His word!

Believe I am His daughter!

Believe I am HIS BELOVED!

Believe I have an inheritance!

Believe He has washed my sins away!
Believe I can do anything through Him!

Believe He gave me a helper!

Believe He has a PLAN for my life!

Believe He works everything out for GOOD in my life!

Believe He can do what He says He can do!

Believe that I am NOTHING without His Grace!

Believe that not ANYTHING can separate me from His love!

Believe that His ways are higher!

Believe that I must decrease, He must increase!

Believe that He has a plan to prosper my life!

Believe that by His stripes I am healed!

Believe that I don't have to conform to the world, but that I can RENEW MY MIND!

Believe that He loves me!

Believe that HE MAKES ALL THINGS NEW!

I'm opening my heart to Him... again.

I would like to DECLARE that 2012, in regards to MY life, is HIS for the taking.

Not because I'm an uneducated, naive little girl who is believing in something that she's been fed her whole life.

But because I have SEEN HIS FAITHFUL FRIENDSHIP literally all throughout my days... I've seen Him conform even the most unlikely person into one that is wholly in love with Him... I've seen Him radically transform lives... and I see that His message of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, Peace, Joy Unspeakable, Humility, Loyalty, Patience, Inward Beauty, Compassion, Faith - is SO UNLIKE anything society is trying to get us to believe and HIS WAY IS BETTER.

Cheers to a new year.

If this is the millionth time, or the first time, I encourage you to not let your failures stop you from accepting this grace & starting over..

He is love, He gives love, and He has ordained you to live through yet ANOTHER - NEW YEAR - and He's a God who makes all things new.

Quit talking the talk... I speak that as much to myself as to anyone... and DIVE DEEP into His words & His truth.

Nothing else in the entire world matters... so why waste yet another year? Why scribble nonsense on a perfectly clean crisp white page?

It's yours - He's given you enough grace to begin NEW today... take it.

Stop living your life for yourself and begin living your life for someone who has the BIG PICTURE!

He loves you... so very much.

So much, in fact, that He'll wipe your slate clean if you let Him.

::: Random Adoring Husband Post:::

I've realized in recent days that regardless of my schedule, writing needs to be a priority in my life.

I love writing.

It makes me process things in a healthier way.

It makes me take the focus off myself and put it on things that matter.

It makes me happy.

So whether it's something I journal, or something I type out (which personally is MY preference... I can think through things faster since I type ten million times faster than I write)... I WILL be writing more. Who knows if you care but I care so there it is :)

Things that made me smile today:

- My husband coming home.

Ok seriously. I'm not even going to lie to you and pretend like we have the most perfect marriage and that our love story is a better fairy tale than Fern Gully... not even close. Sometimes I can't stand my husband. Sad, but that's the honest, raw, truth. And I'm sure he feels the same way about me. (Thank the LORD he hates writing or else you'd have a TON more to read about me on HIS blog...) No but seriously. Tons more. But regardless... sometimes he can be so annoying and so picky that you just wanna pull your hair out.

BUT.

(and that's a big butt.)

As annoying and picky and critical and weird as he can be... I really can't explain it... I'm CRAZY about him. I love him to death. He loves me so perfectly the way I need to be loved. Obviously not perfectly like on the GOD level... but perfectly in that, sometimes I'm SO reminded how much God loves me IN THE WAY THAT Billy loves me.

His amazing qualities FAR outweigh his "UGH" qualities and for that I'm so so so grateful and THAT is what I'll focus on when the going gets tough. (And believe me, it FREAKING HAS.)

But that's ok. Not that the current statistics can prove anything... *cough yes they can cough*... but marriage obviously isn't just love and flowers and amazing sex and lingerie and rainbows and chocolate and holding hands and poems and looking perfect all the time every second of every day. If you believe that, you're unbelievably in for a let-down.

Anyways... the amazing qualities that I adore about him are the reason why him coming home to me after a long day of work is one of the best parts of my day. Every time. It's been a year and a half and I'm not just saying this... I love, admire, and respect my husband more than I did when I met him 946 days ago. (Hahaha, I'm just kidding, I'm not keeping count of the days... promise.) ;)

He loves me well.

He tells me when I'm doing something that bothers him.

He's SO quick to forgive and forget and not bring it up in a future disagreement.

He's SO careful with his words when he gets upset... and never says anything he'll regret.

He's so affectionate and sweet. Though he lacks in the flowers department, he makes up for it TEN FOLD in the way he holds me and hugs me and loves me. Ugh he's the best.

I don't know why I ended up posting about this. This wasn't my intention at all. And maybe you think I'm bragging but I'll end with this:

My husband has taught me some of life's most VALUABLE lessons that I never would've learned if I were living this life flying solo.

Not to speak negatively about the single life - oh my LANTA if y'all single people knew the joy of the freedoms that come with being single, you'd jump up and down 100 times for joy.

Seriously, relish where you are.

Marriage is so beautiful, but I can honestly say that it's more CHALLENGING than anything and it STRETCHES you more than anything and it makes you see your UGLINESS more than anything and that's ok.

There are pros and cons to each phase.

But where you are, be there and choose joy and don't wish your life away dreaming dreams that you think are bigger than your today's. You might not get to tomorrow, so why on earth spend your last day wishing for a better tomorrow that might not ever come?

Blah this is so random. But it's good. I feel my fingers warming up again to the inspiration flowing in me. I spoke in my previous blog about some things God had been doing in my life over these last few months and I'm excited to expand more on those things. They're HUGE and SO RELEVANT to my life today that sometimes I want to shout it from the rooftops.

At the same time, however, God is showing me different things in different places of my life. First and foremost my faith, as I shared earlier. Then in my marriage, which I'll probably share with you later. I'm going to share stuff that we did terribly wrong and uncharacteristically right in some cases. All gold, believe me. Also - I wanna touch a little bit on this nagging bit called insecurity and share some of the dreams God's given me. Along with sharing life as a UPT wife... how Pilot Training and living on the border has affected me positively and negatively.

Well WOW. So much to share. Who knows if I get to it all. But like I said... it's so freaking good to be back.

Currently Reading: So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore - ooooo wow.

Currently Loving: Pinterest. And "Never Once" by Matt Redman. It's right down here... do yourself a favor and listen to it because it will give your heart hope.

:::A Whole New NEW:::

It's been a little while, blog world. I hate when I take absences that are this long, and even though I probably shouldn't be doing this now... with the sleep/homework/chores I have hanging over my head... I'm feeling inspired and inspiration is a treasure to me, so here goes nothing.
Tonight was the second week of a new Bible Study I've started going to. It's a Beth Moore study (love those) called "Believing God" and it's really stirred my heart, even though I've only been going to it for a couple nights.



Anyone who has done a Beth Moore study knows that she is STRICT and gives out homework for every day of the week and dives DEEP into scripture, regarding translations from the Greek & Hebrew, etc. All very, very good stuff. And deep - very deep.

Anyways, this week's homework had to do with faith - and tonight's video sermon from her also had to do with faith, and I must say it's really spoken to my heart.

Confession Time: these past few months have been SO challenging for me. God has had different people speak into my life that has really literally DRAMATICALLY CHANGED the way I feel and view things regarding Jesus and how the truth about Him intersects with my reality. Like, in huge, huge ways.

God has revealed to me SO MUCH the pride, selfishness, and Pharisee-like ways in my heart. I'm sure I've blogged about this before, but bear with me because honestly, whatever I've talked about before has been NOTHING like the experiences and revelations I've had in the past few months.

I was blessed to have a dear friend from WAAAAAY back in my junior high days, named Danny, speak into my life. Danny served as the interim youth pastor for my church youth group and though we met only a few times, my older sister and I immediately noticed & admired his wisdom, love for God, and recognized the anointing from God on His life.

My advice: when you find a person like that in your life that can give offer you a friendship showered with wisdom, I suggest you grab on tight.

That's what I did with Danny - and even though I met him in the Spring of my 8th grade year, we've kept in touch and I can honestly say that knowing that he will be there for me whenever I have a God/Jesus/Theological/Opinionated question makes my heart breathe a little sigh of relief.



Anyways - so a few months ago I had a semi-meltdown.

After pondering several events in my personal life/relationships/beliefs/society that had happened over the past few years - I came to a huge realization that SOMETHING WAS SO WRONG.

I tweeted (yes, tweeted. I love twitter. Haters hate.) to my friend Danny in desperation one night & asked if I could email him about some questions I had. He responded promptly & I immediately proceeded to email him a R I D I C U L O U S L Y long email that hardly flowed well and probably didn't really make sense. That's ok though; Danny wrote me an equally long message in return and so began the apparent, tangible change in my thinking & in my life.

Ok. So what was this meltdown about? In a (HUGE/not too too personal) nutshell... I had finally come to the realization that a few things in my life; a few thought patterns, convictions, worldviews, etc - were just NOT working. Not working in regards to the ultimate goal of my faith, and not working in some personal day to day societal relationships.


I was realizing that THINGS ARE NOT BLACK & WHITE! I had realized that God's grace, TO THIS DAY, after EVERYTHING I've learned & done & been through with Him... His GRACE meant literally NOTHING to me in my life. Seriously? At age 22? After committing my heart to the Lord and trying to live for Him everyday... and I'm JUST NOW learning about this grace thing?? Ahh, SO frustrating people!! And I had never before let it hit me like it did as I read that email.

I'm not going to keep going on forever, but I just want to quote you some of Danny's Responses that shed light on SO many questions and maybe you can guess what questions I was struggling with:

- "If you simply take a step back it is not hard to detect even just by simply surveying the different kinds of churches there are in America. Who is right? Or maybe a better question is "who is MORE right?" The Baptists do mission well, the Presbyterians do theology well, the Charismatics do prayer/praise well, the Anglicans do liturgical corporate worship well, the liberal mainline churches do social justice well....who is right? Which tradition pleases God most? Tough questions."

- "Those who know church history know that every time the church has been in power it has been disastrous. But every time the church has been on the fringe/margins, with no political power, no rights, and ostracized and persecuted is when the Church has absolutely flourished. I for one think that our bull's-eye should not be acquiring political power, but being a faithful expression of the kingdom of God across the country. Martin Luther King Jr. famously said that the Church is neither the servant nor the master of the State, but rather ought to be it's moral conscience."

- "The conservative American church has climbed into bed with conservative politics and ruined both I'm afraid. There is NOTHING in the new testament that instructs us to do what the conservative right has been promoting for the last 40 years. I think that the idea of trying to "take America back for God," even though it is a very popular and noble-sounding idea, is actually rather naïve. The national interests of America are often contrary to the interests of God's kingdom. We are never instructed to fight for our "rights" or strive to acquire political power...quite the opposite actually. America by no means has exclusive claims on God or Jesus or the Church."

- "In C.S. Lewis' book Mere Christianity he has a chapter on Pride. In that chapter he describes pride as the chief sin-it is the complete and most anti-God of all sins. Pride is what got Satan kicked out of heaven. Pride is the most serious, heinous, and wicked of all sins, and yet it also happens to be the most subtle and pervasive sin. Lewis said that things like adultery and murder are mere flee-bites in comparison the sin of pride."

- " Jesus never instructed anybody to clean up there act first, AND THEN he will accept them and listen to them and love them. No, what we see in the gospels is Jesus loving and accepting the worst of sinners because the Father loved them in spite of their sin and unworthiness, and because they are still bearers of the image of God. " (My pastor, Andy Stanley, talked about this EXACT issue in the midst of danny & I emailing back & forth, he said that "The only people worried about 'guilt by association' in the Bible were the Pharisees - Jesus was NEVER concerned with 'guilt by association.' - WOW!!)

- "The Pharisee is more concerned about pointing out what is wrong, the Christ-follower is more concerned about loving his neighbor. "If I don't have love I'm just a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal." Billy Graham once said "It is God's job to judge, the Spirit's job to convict, and my job to love." Jesus acquired the nickname "friend of sinners" because he was always going out of his way to hang out with the worst of the worst people in society. In almost every scene in the gospels, we see the tax collectors and prostitutes (or in our day in age it would be the druggies, alcoholics and gays) were always magnetically drawn to Jesus and followed him everywhere...and simultaneously we always see the conservative religious leaders of his day right there judging/criticizing him for hanging around such terrible people. If I were to insert myself as one of the characters in those stories, I hope that I would be more like Jesus and not like the Pharisees."

- I know this is mega wordy... and I've probably lost you by this point, but if your still with me I'd just like to say that I wish I could go on and on and ON because this has RADICALLY changed the way I view relationships, politics, political issues, Christianity, and especially my JESUS!!


It's NOT BLACK & WHITE!!
It's NOT JESUS VS. GAY PEOPLE/NON-CHRISTIANS!!
It's NOT CHRISTIANITY VS. DEMOCRATS!!

It's NOT WE'RE RIGHT & THEY'RE WRONG!!



Like... WOW. I don't know if this speaks to you at all - but I MUST say that this absolutely DEMOLISHED me in so, many ways.

At first, I went through my guilt/self-hatred phase. As I mentioned earlier, HOW have I gone THIS LONG w/this skewed, prideful, pharisee way of thinking?


Then, I went through INTENTIONAL trying to change my mindset in different situations.


Eg: I used to get SO FIRED UP about different news stories sharing how they were taking prayer/God/Christianity out of schools, etc. You know all those stories. :) I used to get SO freakishly upset about it, I took on the THEM VS. US ("us" being "the Christians") attitude - so now, when I heard those stories I tried to take a step back and actually REALLY think, what would Jesus do here? How would He react? Danny responded to this question with a response that I absolutely LOVED:

- "God doesn't NEED someone to stand up and defend him...the day will come when EVERY knee will bow and EVERY tongue confess that he is Lord.

The fact that this is such BABY CHRISTIAN stuff still floors me but I must say I'm beyond grateful for reverting back to these essential roots.



My job is not to judge - EVER.


It's not my job.

My job? To love!
How cliche, how seemingly simple yeah?? ahh SO far from it.


I'm amazed at this. This is where I'm at... this is where I've been. Trying to hard to not care about results but rather focus on being faithful to God's commands. He is GOOD. He is LOVE. Just what this world needs. BE THAT!

"Be different. Become the friend of sinners and enemy of the hyper-religious. It got Jesus murdered, but Jesus said "blessed are you when they revile you, persecute you and say all kinds of evil against you falsely ON MY ACCOUNT, for great is your reward in heaven." And who was it that hated and persecuted Jesus?...it wasn't the secular pagans, it was the conservative religious leaders of his day."

Danny's Diagnosis of me:

-"I understand completely your struggle with grace. The problem with many of us who grew up in church is that we were instructed in moralism rather than the gospel. We were taught how to be good and act right so that God will love us rather than being taught to trust fully in what Jesus did on our behalf. I grew up in church; went to VBS; went to Sunday School; was active in my youth group; received my entire education from a private Christian school; went to Bible college; got my degree in pastoral ministries; worked for a church; attended seminary, but it wasn't until I heard a couple of sermons by Tim Keller that I TRULY began to understand the full scope of the gospel of grace. I believed it the whole time...I was a Christian...I understood it all in my head, but FUNCTIONALLY my heart had yet to really comprehend grace. Before I lived in such a way so as to earn God's love and favor. Now I know that God's love and favor over me were secured for me because of what Jesus did on the cross. Now there is nothing...neither height nor depth, nor angels or demons, neither the past or the present...NOTHING can separate me from the love of God that is IN Christ Jesus. I like to think of myself as a recovering Pharisee. So nowadays I feel very much like a former addict-I'm now walking in this amazing freedom no longer imprisoned to the old laws/rules...but from time to time, the memories, behaviors, and old temptations for being a Pharisee still chase after me.


- D.D.



Where I'm at. Where I'm hoping to continue growing towards. So so thankful for friends who are wiser than I am... and especially thankful for a God who, after 12 long years of being in a relationship where I've MISSED THE BOAT - after ALL this time - He gently and lovingly draws me back to truth. It makes me cry, really. I love truth. I love the truth that has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Him. His grace is overwhelming and without it, I now understand that I'm literally nothing. LITERALLY.


Thank You Jesus for doing it all. Jesus is good. If you don't know Him, you really should. He's mostlikely nothing like you would think He is - based on many churches/Christians/political agendas of today's society - NOPE.
He makes all things new. He's the God of second/third/twentieth chances. He loves extravagantly and is so slow to anger.
He loves new beginnings and even if you've had SO MANY THINGS BACKWARDS in your life after 12 LONG YEARS of Him trying to get into your heart... He persists.
He's a lover and He wants me to understand that literally, my righteousness is like FILTHY RAGS and my FAITH in Him is what is counted as righteousness. I'm so so grateful.

Ahh. I love Jesus. Finally something real to latch on to. The end.

Forgiveness:::

"It's only forgiveness that gives a future." ::: ann voskamp.


This speaks HUGE things to my heart.

Forgiveness.

These days I'm finding it hardest to forgive... myself.


For the way I've lived in the past.
For the way I've hurt people in the past.
For some of the choices I've made.


When God reveals the pride you've carried in your heart over the years, the time that usually follows after that revelation is one of self-hatred.
It doesn't have to be like that, but sometimes those are the emotions that are dealt to you and sometimes you learn to take the revelation, be sad that it was you all along, and leave it at the Cross where Jesus asked you for it anyways.


I don't know if that makes sense... but I DO know that if I want a F U T U R E - it requires forgiving myself - recognizing the ugly - resting in that humble state & turning my face to the living God and WELCOMING the full flood of grace that He wants to give me.




In short - and this really is just so short, especially for me *smile* - that's where I'm at.
Learning what it means to LOVE & allowing my heart to receive the grace that for so long I believed I didn't need.... how sad. Thank You Jesus for your love.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever."

~ Ps. 136:1

a blog for my Tita:::

So it was a day like any other day.

I was checking my facebook and I saw a status my sister had posted about finally being able to walk without crutches!

I got SO excited for her and proceeded to write on her facebook wall, "FINALLY YOU'RE NOT A GIMP! Now you have NO EXCUSE to not do the incline with me when I'm out there in September for Lauren's wedding!"

I made it to the word "excuse" before I realized something huge... and weird.

Tita's not going to be there.

When I go back to Colorado, Tita won't be there. She'll be away at college in California.

At that realization, I started to cry.

My crying turned to bawling. Like, literal, heart-wrenching sobs with tears streaming down my face.

Sitting on your bed, crying all by yourself can be weird sometimes, I'll be honest - so I was grateful when sweet husband came over to find out what in the world his emotional wife was crying about.

He actually LOVES it when I cry, he think's it's so vulnerable and he loves being able to comfort me when I'm a mess of tears. So I told him why I was crying - yes I thought it was a dumb reason - and he held me for a while until the sobs ceased.

Of course I blame the birth control, but I also can't help but blame the fact that... growing up sucks sometimes.

My baby sister is going to college.

WHAAAT?

This beautiful gal is finally going to COLLEGE???

That can't be the same baby sister who:

- at age 6 sneakily (word?) stuffed her pants with socks so that my mom's spanking wouldn't hurt... haha :)

- would wear the SAME DAMN YELLOW SMILEY FACE BEANIE (or "tooook" for you Canadian readers) EVERY SINGLE DAY for a solid 3 years of her life

- preferred oversized, comfy clothes over anything "trendy" (to this day, that is still the case.)

- has "THE THING."

- writes beautiful poems and songs in her room into the wee hours of the morning

- has a lame victory dance.

- used to put on as many unmatched pieces of clothing as she could.

- would sneak up on the roof with me and star-gaze (don't tell my parents.)

- loved Buddy more than all of us combined.

- would be my music blasting buddy for Orianthi - Kellie Pickler - & Taylor Swift.

- would steal my clothes. And jewelery. And everything. (little turd.)

- watched her team win the State Championship from the sidelines - cheering them on and being GENUINELY HAPPY for the girls despite her crappy circumstances.

My sister is one of the most amazing people I know.

She has a servant's heart - she's a loyal friend and a friend to every single person she meets. Literally. Every person that meets my sister always tells me, "Tita is just so... awesome." There's just something about her that makes other people she meets feel SO important.

I love that about her.

She's hilarious & HAPPY. She's naive sometimes and I love it. She's patient and honest and loyal. She is so GENUINE and so REAL - not some fake high school girl that hides behind pounds of makeup and lives off of talking crap about other people.

She is BEAUTIFUL and doesn't know it.

She's wise and loving with her friends.

She knows who she is and doesn't get caught up standing in front of a mirror for hours - what you see is what you get when it comes to Tita - so beautiful.

She believes the best about people.

She loves Jesus and is GENUINE in her pursuit of Him.

She's an ABSOLUTELY incredible athlete and keeps a humble heart despite her success... seriously this girl is amazing.

She makes me so proud - I LOVE that I can call her my baby sister, and I tear up at the thought of her not being home next time I return to Colorado. :(

So... this is just a tribute to Tita.
The most incredible baby sister in the world.
I'm so thankful for her - so blessed.

And I don't mind a bit bragging about how incredible she is - because she doesn't get it as often as she deserves and BELIEVE ME she deserves it... every word.

Dear Tita,

You're amazing and everyone knows it. I love you. I'm proud of you. I love who you are as a person - so FUN and REAL and HAPPY and GENUINE. I love everything about you. I wish I had been a better sister to you - if I could go back in time I'd have you with me every step of the way :) But I'm so excited for the years we have to come... I love that you'll always be in my life.

I'm proud of you for your positive attitude despite the tough 4 months you've had. You've been an inspiration to me and to the people lucky enough to share these last 4 months with you. And now... you're going to freakin COLLEGE!!!

Of course, as your big, WISE sister I have to give you advice as you leave the Colorado Nest & settle in California... so here's my advice. The best I got. I hope you take away something from it.

1) KNOW Jesus. Don't just know about Him. Don't just know some things He's said... KNOW Him. Intimately. KNOW His heart - KNOW how He loves people - KNOW what His reactions would be in certain situations - KNOW His opinion of people - KNOW His truth - KNOW His humility, His servant heart, His radical words, His necessary relationship with the Father. The world is going to flash intelligent arguments and the Christian church is going to try to counter them in every circumstance - but if you KNOW Jesus, you will KNOW how to respond and what He looks like in certain situations.

He loves and He loves extravagantly... be like Him.

2) Fear not. Don't be afraid to try new things and make mistakes. Make wise choices about the things you try - but don't be afraid. Worse case scenario... you wind up pregnant and we have a little baby Tita running around. We'd still love you, promise. But you'd have plenty of regrets & if you could go back, you'd probably do things a little differently. ALWAYS THINK: is what I'm about to do going to affect my life to the point where if I could go back, I'd want to change it??
Live life with no secrets, and live life with NO REGRETS. You'll be SO happy you did. PLUS - and I can speak from experience - sex within marriage is just TOO wonderful and SO WORTH waiting for. So be wise - but don't hesitate to try new things. Dream big and fall big - we'll love you. You'll always have a family that adores you. But make wise decisions & pursue a righteous life in JESUS - full of love for people!

3) Be YOU. Don't become like every other college girl... please. Don't be worried about your outward appearance, don't compare yourself to the other "california beauties" around you - you are BEAUTIFUL because of your appearance, your smile, and especially your heart. WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW is so more than enough.
Don't get caught up with the trends, with clothes, with who's the prettiest or the skinniest or the coolest. You are ALL those things and more and who you are is so perfectly wonderful - don't change a THING.

4) Learn everything. Literally. Knowledge is power. The more you know about life, relationships, education, and especially JESUS - the stronger you will be as a person and as a follower of Jesus. Be a sponge - realize that school is an opportunity to LEARN ABOUT EVERYTHING and soak it all up. The more you know - the more influential you will be.

5) Guard your heart. What's in your heart comes out in your words and actions. If you want to love people, let Christ's love be IN YOU. I know it's so cliche but it's really hard to do. Don't guard your heart from love - guard your heart TO love. Don't fill your mind with things that don't matter - don't let your heart be worried about things that are out of your control. Guard it against the world and keep it consecrated to Jesus.

6) TRUST Jesus. Trust Him with everything - even the little things. Include Him in every area of your life. He's there and He loves you and you don't have to worry about a THING because HE said so. Rest in that. Trust Him with your relationships, your career, your healing process with your knee, your homework, everything. Your college experience will improve significantly the sooner you realize that He holds it all together anyways.

7) Chase wisdom. DO it. Look for wisdom and practice wisdom in every situation. Ask your teachers, ask your coaches, ask your friends. Don't just be impulsive - be patient and chase after wisdom for your decisions. And if I were you - I really would ask mom & dad. Seriously. We're lucky to have parents that are as wise and care about us as much as they do. Don't take that for granted, USE OUR PARENTS. Be wise and chase wisdom all the time.

8) Eat Healthy. I know this is a lame one, but seriously. The older I've gotten the more and more I've realized HOW FREAKISHLY IMPORTANT this is. Take care of your body. Stay away from sugar, from flour, from carbs. Eat veggies & fruits & DRINK TONS OF WATER. Your healthy, UN-DIABETIC, in-shape 50 year old body will thank me for this one down the road... but if you ignore me, you're FAT, DIABETIC, UGLY body will regret it every day. Trust me. Eat healthy & eat small portions & love your body - it's not vain - IT'S IMPORTANT.

9) Give 100% in everything you do. So corny - but so vital. Especially as a college athlete. You're not playing as a goalie for Master's College - you're playing for someone bigger than that. Don't give 50% - give 100% every day. Every time. In relationships too - be the friend that is dependable, loyal, fun, and in it for the long haul. It'll make you a better person and it'll shine a light, promise.

10) HAVE FUN. Laugh a lot. Make memories. Play jokes. Bake cookies & make weird smoothies. Go to fro-yo bars & pile on the mocchi for me. Eat chocolate even if you don't like it. Take TONS of pictures - more funny ones than serious ones. Go to the ocean as often as possible, it gives you good perspective and reminds you how small you really are. Don't take yourself too seriously. Love people. Go running, just because you can. Learn a lot. Find friends that will be there forever. Stay up late watching movies. Don't do drugs - dream bigger than drugs. Don't skip classes & get behind... that just equals more stress every time. Don't drink before you turn 21 - respect your authorities. BUT when you turn 21 - drink Budlight Lime & Woodchuck... they're by far the BEST. Set a goal & do it. If you get in a car with someone who is drinking and driving and still survive... I'm gonna kill you anyways. That's stupid and unnecessary and you'll regret it. When you're alone in your room, find some trashy rap song and turn it way up and dance your heart out - seriously, I've tried it when I was alone in my house and it's so freakin fun. ALWAYS encourage people - if you think someone looks beautiful, tell them. Don't be stingy with your words, your words might make someone's day a lot better. Blast Orianthi, Taylor, & Kellie whenever you can & think of me. :)

Don't forget to talk to your family at least once a week and always remember - we're only a few hours away.

Munchy - you make me happy. Thanks for making all of us so proud - seriously you have. I'm crying right now thinking about how sad I'll be when I come back to Colorado and you won't be there. But I'm SO excited for you and your future. I dont' care where you go or what you accomplish in life - you'll always be my fun, crazy baby sister who needs to mail me back that bathing suit you stole from me.... turd. :)

Dream big dreams Tita - and above all else,
love people & love Jesus... and love em' big.

I love you poop head.

Now go knock em' dead. :)