Uh oh... the big P word:)
Purity.
Facts first::
-noun
1. The condition or quality of being pure
2. Freedom from anything that debases, contaminates, pollutes.
3. Freedom from any mixture or modifying addition.
4. Freedom from sin or guilt of envy; innocence;
5. Pysical chastity; virginity
6. Freedom from foreign or inappropriate elements
7. The chroma, saturation, or degree of freedom from white of a given color
8. Cleanness or spotlessness.
I'm at a point in my life where the definition of purity seems to be in more of a gray area than it ever has been before. In the past 6 months, even during my time at YWAM, doubts of what purity means, looks like, or should be, have come up in my mind and warred greatly within my heart and against my conscience.
The question was asked to me by one of my best friends in early December while we were in the middle of a heated argument, and it has stuck with me since.
What is purity?
Go to Dictonary.com and you'll find the definitions I gave above. And no doubt, those definitions are very intense and heavy. There isn't too much room for question within those definitions: Clean, spotless, virginity, FREEDOM.
Gosh that word Freedom pops up everywhere.... as it should! Everybody wants to be free. But it's the question of free FOR what, and free FROM what.
Ahhh.... this topic will be for another blog I suppose:) Back to my thoughts about purity.
I recently started a new job working at the front desk of a hotel... so far... I LOVE it. It's so fun and I love people and I think customer service is so great so I'm enjoying it very much. However, there is a huge flatscreen TV on the opposite side of the lobby from me and it is highly encouraged for us to leave the TV playing News Channels.... which, I dunno if you've watched the news lately... but it is DEPRESSING. Kids are abducted left and right, families murdered, Swine-flu deaths, Craiglists killers... ahh. It's so sad. The world needs Jesus. :(
But anyways, one of the heated discussions they recently had on HLN news was the debate of Sexual purity. Bristow Palin, daughter of Governor Sarah Palin, made quite an appearance on the news this past week. One of the big scandals during the Presidential election was the fact that Sarah Palin's oldest daughter, Bristow, was pregnant out of wedlock. Well now, she has a four month old son named Skip with her boyfriend and she wanted to be an advocate for abstinence. Of course, the media tore her apart. They asked if she thinks she has a right to say anything about abstinence, especially in light of the hipocrisy of her present situation. She said regardless of what she's done, she knows that Abstinence is the best way to go because it guarantees the chances of not having an STD or unwanted pregnancy.
They invited three "experts" to come discuss this topic on the news station, and what one woman said just completely broke my heart.
"Asking teenagers to practice abstinence is unrealistic. More than 95% of teenagers are already sexually active, and so based on those statistics, abstinence basically no longer exists so we should no longer be teaching it to our young adults... there's no need!! Abstinence is no longer anything to be thought about, it is an extremely unrealistic method that is practically impossible for our teenagers, and therefore we should be promoting methods of safe sex to avoid STD's and unwanted pregnancies."
And... my hearts breaks. :( I can't believe I live in a time where the media makes bold statements like "Abstinence is nearly impossible and therefore is no longer relevant to this generation."
What are we, animals?? So what decides right vs. wrong? Mass percentage of a population? So, when the majority of a group of people give in to their lustful desires and throw values such as self-control, self-worth, and dignity out the window, we just have to go along with them and we change whats right and wrong? Since when has right and wrong been subjective? Since we are we allowing the media, or majority of people, determine whats right and wrong when it comes to premarital sex? Has our generation become so dilluted to evil, to sin, to the world, that we no longer have a conscience?
I just wanted to scream at the TV... "HELLO!! DO YOU REALIZE THAT THE REASON WHY THE 95% OF TEENAGERS ARE ALREADY SEXUALLY ACTIVE IS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU GUYS ARE PROMOTING!!! Every TV show, every movie, every COMMERCIAL, every magazine, every News Programs, advertises some type of fornication; a couple living together before they get married, multiple sex partners, personal sexual preference. You can have what you want, WHEN you want it, how you want it, no matter what it costs!! If it feels good, do it. Forget about values. Forget responsibility. And most of all, don't you dare judge me. I live in the land of the free, and I'm free to do as I please. If I think its right and I feel OK about it, it's right. HELLO MEDIA. Congratulations, you get the blame for this one."
One of the bonuses of my new job is that I have a lot of down time... to read:)
Right now, I'm re-reading one of my favorite books of all time by Elisabeth Elliot called "Passion & Purity."
Oh my GOSH it's really wrecking my heart. The rest of the blog will be some quotes I get from the book.... if you haven't read it yet you should. I long to be back at this place, desiring Jesus above all other fleshly desires. I hope these quotes mess with your heart as much as they did with mine.... and leave you longing for the extraordinary life with Jesus.
"Somehow, we've gotten the idea that we can forget all the regulations and get away with it. Times have changed, we say. We're 'Liberated' at last from our inhibitions. We have Sex and the Single Girl now. We have freedom. We can, in fact, "have it all and not get hooked.' Women can be predators if they want to, as well as men. Men aren't men unless they've proved it by seducing as any women as possible-or as many men, for we may now choose according to "sexual preference." We can go to bed with those of the opposite sex or those of our own. It doesn't matter. A mere question of taste, and we all have a "right" to our tastes. Everybody's equal. Everybody is free. Nobody is hung up anymore or needs to deny himself anything. In fact, nobody ought to deny himself anything he wants badly-- it's dangerous. It's unhealthy. It's sick. If it feels good and you don't do it, you're paranoid. If it doesn't feel good and you do it, you're a masochist."
"What do women want today? What do men want? I mean, deep down. what do they really want? If "times" have changed, have human longings changed, too? How about principles? Have Christian principles changed?
I say no to the last three question, an emphatic no. I am convinced that the human heart hungers for constancy. In forfeiting the sanctity of sex by casual, nondiscriminatory "making out" and "sleeping around," we forfeit something we cannot well do without. There is dullness, monotony, sheer boredom in all of life when virginity and purity are no longer protected and prized. By trying to grab fulfillment everywhere, we find it nowhere."
"Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have no begun to understand, let alone to accept, His lordship. The Cross, as it enteres the love life, will reveal the heart's truth."
"One morning I was reading the story of Jesus' feeding of the 5000. The disciples could find only five loaves of bread and two fishes. "Let me have them," said Jesus. He asked for all. He took them, said the blessing, and broke them before He gave them out. I remembered what a chapel speaker, Ruth Stull of Peru, had said: "If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad."
"The Lord told King David to set up an altar on the threshing floor that belonged to Araunah the Jebusite. When the king asked Araunah if he might buy it, Araunah begged him to take it, as a gift, along with his oxen for an offereing and the threshing sledges for fuel. "No," said King David, "... I will not offer to the Lord my God whole-offerings that have cost me nothing..."
Lord, I said, here's my heart."
"There are over a million pregnancies per year among unmarried girls under twenty... What they want they take, any way they can get it.... It would be foolish to deny that there are some pleasures along that road. There is plenty of what people call fun. There are thrills, gratifications, "experiences." -- A road may seem straightforward to a man, yet may end as the way to death. Even in laughter the heart may grieve, and mirth may end in sorrow. -- There is another way: to love what God commands and desire what He promises. It can't be found except through prayer and obedience. It cuts quite across the other way, takes us where things are not at the mercy of changing fashions and opinions. It is a place where a man's heart may safely rest-- and a womans' heart, too."
"Waiting silently is the hardest thing of all... But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God."
"If the yearnings went away, what would we have to offer up to the Lord? Aren't they given to us to offer? It is the control of passion, not it's eradication, that is needed. How would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we have nothing to submit?"
"If you love someone, there are many things you will do for that person because you love him -- not because it's what you'd prefer if love did not enter the picture. The fact is, love has entered the picture. Therefore, in your heart, you can be very honest when you tell prefer to do what He wants, because, more than your own pleasure, you want His."
"When obedience to God contradicts what I think will give me pleasure, let me ask myself if I love Him. If I can say yes to that questioncan't I say yes to pleasing Him? Can't I say yes even if it means a sacrifice? A little quiet reflection will remind me that yes to God ALWAYS leads in the end to joy. We can absolutely bank on that."
"Jesus loves me, this I know -- not because He does just what I'd like, but because the Bible tells me so. Calvary proves it. He loved me and gave Himself for me."
"The effect of my troubles depends not on the nature of the troubles themselves but on how I receive them. I can receive them with both hands in faith and acceptance, or I can rebel and reject. What they produce if I rebel and reject will be something very different froma mature character, something nobody is going to like.
Look at the choices
rebellion - if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn't love me.
rejection - if this is what God is giving me, I won't have any part of it.
faith - God knows exactly what He's doing.
acceptance - Heloves me; He plans good things for me; I'll take it."
"The words "full of joy here and now" depend ont he words "taken in the right spirit." You cant have one without the other. Take ina spirit of trust, een loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and theat hardest thing of all, uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope."
Friday, May 15, 2009
Friday, May 01, 2009
:::Thoughts for the day:::
On my heart today:::
"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." - (Eph. 2:10)
"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warface are not of the flesh, but instead have divine power to destory strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ." - (2 Corin. 10:3-5)
"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." - (Eph. 2:10)
"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warface are not of the flesh, but instead have divine power to destory strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ." - (2 Corin. 10:3-5)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
:::Passions:::
The weather is GORGEOUS outside.
Sunshine:) I love it.
Colorado is the best state... during the summer. (When there is no snow). It's so beautiful and refreshing. You wake up and smell the fresh, mountain air and it's seriously so amazing. I'm so blessed to live here.
Life is awesome right now. I just got a new job that I think I'm really gonna like... I'm excited! My family is doing wonderfully... growing up really fast and it's crazy to watch. Jesus is still very alive (haha... I almost say that as if it's a surprise...) and moving a lot in my heart. My friends are ok... probably the biggest struggle in my life right now. But there are still people in my life... all who happen to be oversees/outside the USA at the moment.... (aka Canada, Norway, Australia, Hawaii...) who are still such dear friends of mine and so close to my heart, supporting me and loving me and I'm so grateful for them!! My boyfriend is nothing short of absolutely amazing and loves me so well, he's incredible. He just found out his job in the Air Force... to be a pilot!! His dream for a long time!! I'm so happy for him and so proud of him!! So life is great there.
I'm recovering rather well from my culture shock stage... getting my feet back on the ground and getting my heart set once again fully on my King. He's so gentle and patient with me though, I'm so so grateful and so undeserving. I went to my mentor's house on Sat. night, and her husband led my boyfriend and I through a Bible study through Romans which was awesome... her husband is an anointed teacher and I'm SO BLESSED to have people like them in my life!! Life is so good!!
To be honest though, my heart is still kinda restless. I was praying today as I drove to work for God to ignite a fire in me again... I want Him to awaken dreams and visions in my heart. I want to be passionate about something. Seeing my boyfriend find out he was going to be a pilot yesterday, a dream of his since he was a boy, was SO awesome to watch... it brought me to tears!! But it also made me realize how I don't really have something like that in my life... like a dream to pursue or something to be passionate about.
I really want that again in my heart. I want a dream, an ambition, a goal to pursue, something to be passionate about. But more than anything I want it to be completely God-given; I want to walk 100% in His will and I want my dreams to line up with His for my life.
So, that's kind of where I'm at right now. Establishing my relationship and pursuit of the Lord on more than just fleeting emotions; praying and trying to find out my hearts greatest desires and dreams.
Yes there are things I love; little goals here and there that I want to achieve in my life. I love to travel. I love to read and write. I love to type... blogs, stories, etc. I love being outside. I love people. I love masses of people gathered together in one place worshipping the Creator of the Universe. I love seeing young people with hearts established and consecrated to the Lord. Ahh.... that, that right there, makes my heart so complete and happy:)
But I'm almost in a sense talking about something tangible; something that can have more immediate results in my life. I'm tired of wasting my time working a job that I'm far from passionate about; I want to find my niche in life and pursue it, and affect people, and cause change. I want to impact people's lives and have dreams that seem impossible...
Someone said something during my time in YWAM. They said, "God is a God of the impossible. If everything you're doing in your life is attainable and very possible to achieve, pray for God to give you dreams that are greater. Dream dreams that seem impossible... because that's the kind of God we serve."
I love that. I want to live a life of faith; solely dependent on the one true living God. So many people assume that narrows my options down to just being a long-term missionary, but I disagree. My mentor's husband that I mentioned earlier, the one who led the Bible study through Romans, is a man who breaks that stereotype 100x over. He's not a long-term missionary; he lives a "regular" life like I do, with a "regular" family of 6, and "regular" job as HR of State Farmers Insurance. BUT. He's different than anyone else because He's led 100% by the Spirit of God. Whether that's decisions he makes in the workplace, or in his family, He's constantly walking in the Spirit and living a life full of divine appointments left and right:) He proves that life as a Christian should NEVER be boring!! Not when you're being led by the Spirit. Coooooooool!
So yeah. Anyways. That's a wrap. There's the blog... written more for me than anything, but I appreciate you being a part of my process as well. This is where I'm at::: Praying for dreams and passions to awaken in my heart... Trusting in the Lord to bring some that will glorify His name above anything else. Resting in that fact... ahh I love the peace that Jesus alone brings. So different and opposite of the world... and so fulfilling as a result. Pray for me too if you think about it:)
Immediate Goals:
- Get lost in a really good book... or rather a couple... read 2 books a month.
- Hit the gym once a day... (get ready for bathing suit season! Ha:)
- Stop eating chocolate... for atleast a month. (ahh... nearly impossible. But as I said before... God is a God of the impossible! He'll give me strength... I hope.)
- Re-read the Gospels. (Excercise for both my body and my heart. SO needed)
- Wake up by 8:30 am every morning.
- Brainstorm more goals.
Oh... P.S....
Happy 10 months my love!!!! :) I love you... <3
Sunshine:) I love it.
Colorado is the best state... during the summer. (When there is no snow). It's so beautiful and refreshing. You wake up and smell the fresh, mountain air and it's seriously so amazing. I'm so blessed to live here.
Life is awesome right now. I just got a new job that I think I'm really gonna like... I'm excited! My family is doing wonderfully... growing up really fast and it's crazy to watch. Jesus is still very alive (haha... I almost say that as if it's a surprise...) and moving a lot in my heart. My friends are ok... probably the biggest struggle in my life right now. But there are still people in my life... all who happen to be oversees/outside the USA at the moment.... (aka Canada, Norway, Australia, Hawaii...) who are still such dear friends of mine and so close to my heart, supporting me and loving me and I'm so grateful for them!! My boyfriend is nothing short of absolutely amazing and loves me so well, he's incredible. He just found out his job in the Air Force... to be a pilot!! His dream for a long time!! I'm so happy for him and so proud of him!! So life is great there.
I'm recovering rather well from my culture shock stage... getting my feet back on the ground and getting my heart set once again fully on my King. He's so gentle and patient with me though, I'm so so grateful and so undeserving. I went to my mentor's house on Sat. night, and her husband led my boyfriend and I through a Bible study through Romans which was awesome... her husband is an anointed teacher and I'm SO BLESSED to have people like them in my life!! Life is so good!!
To be honest though, my heart is still kinda restless. I was praying today as I drove to work for God to ignite a fire in me again... I want Him to awaken dreams and visions in my heart. I want to be passionate about something. Seeing my boyfriend find out he was going to be a pilot yesterday, a dream of his since he was a boy, was SO awesome to watch... it brought me to tears!! But it also made me realize how I don't really have something like that in my life... like a dream to pursue or something to be passionate about.
I really want that again in my heart. I want a dream, an ambition, a goal to pursue, something to be passionate about. But more than anything I want it to be completely God-given; I want to walk 100% in His will and I want my dreams to line up with His for my life.
So, that's kind of where I'm at right now. Establishing my relationship and pursuit of the Lord on more than just fleeting emotions; praying and trying to find out my hearts greatest desires and dreams.
Yes there are things I love; little goals here and there that I want to achieve in my life. I love to travel. I love to read and write. I love to type... blogs, stories, etc. I love being outside. I love people. I love masses of people gathered together in one place worshipping the Creator of the Universe. I love seeing young people with hearts established and consecrated to the Lord. Ahh.... that, that right there, makes my heart so complete and happy:)
But I'm almost in a sense talking about something tangible; something that can have more immediate results in my life. I'm tired of wasting my time working a job that I'm far from passionate about; I want to find my niche in life and pursue it, and affect people, and cause change. I want to impact people's lives and have dreams that seem impossible...
Someone said something during my time in YWAM. They said, "God is a God of the impossible. If everything you're doing in your life is attainable and very possible to achieve, pray for God to give you dreams that are greater. Dream dreams that seem impossible... because that's the kind of God we serve."
I love that. I want to live a life of faith; solely dependent on the one true living God. So many people assume that narrows my options down to just being a long-term missionary, but I disagree. My mentor's husband that I mentioned earlier, the one who led the Bible study through Romans, is a man who breaks that stereotype 100x over. He's not a long-term missionary; he lives a "regular" life like I do, with a "regular" family of 6, and "regular" job as HR of State Farmers Insurance. BUT. He's different than anyone else because He's led 100% by the Spirit of God. Whether that's decisions he makes in the workplace, or in his family, He's constantly walking in the Spirit and living a life full of divine appointments left and right:) He proves that life as a Christian should NEVER be boring!! Not when you're being led by the Spirit. Coooooooool!
So yeah. Anyways. That's a wrap. There's the blog... written more for me than anything, but I appreciate you being a part of my process as well. This is where I'm at::: Praying for dreams and passions to awaken in my heart... Trusting in the Lord to bring some that will glorify His name above anything else. Resting in that fact... ahh I love the peace that Jesus alone brings. So different and opposite of the world... and so fulfilling as a result. Pray for me too if you think about it:)
Immediate Goals:
- Get lost in a really good book... or rather a couple... read 2 books a month.
- Hit the gym once a day... (get ready for bathing suit season! Ha:)
- Stop eating chocolate... for atleast a month. (ahh... nearly impossible. But as I said before... God is a God of the impossible! He'll give me strength... I hope.)
- Re-read the Gospels. (Excercise for both my body and my heart. SO needed)
- Wake up by 8:30 am every morning.
- Brainstorm more goals.
Oh... P.S....
Happy 10 months my love!!!! :) I love you... <3
Friday, April 17, 2009
:::Friend from afar:::
You know those people that come into your life... where you can't help but fall in love with Jesus everytime you talk to them?
Meet my friend, Brit Chaney.
Brit and I have an interesting story. I've never actually met her in person. Strange. I heard about her through a mutual friend about a year ago, when I expressed to this girl (Erin Conner) that I was going to do YWAM in Hawaii. Erin told me about her friend, Brit, who was currently in MAUI, staffing for a YWAM school down there. So I found Brit on the F-book... (major props) and messaged her and asked her if she could tell me a little more about YWAM and Hawaii and how the next 6 months were gonna be. She messaged me back with nothing but a phone number and told me to call her cuz she would love to chat. And BOY did we:)
She has played a HUGE role in my life the last year as far as YWAM goes, and even in every day life situations. She has a passion and deep LOVE for Jesus unlike any I've ever seen in my entire life, it's incredible really. I wish I could introduce her and have her talk to every single person in my life. She will leave you with a heart that loves Jesus more, or one that wants to know about this MAN THAT HAS COMPLETELY STOLEN THE HEART OF THIS GIRL.
Ahhh.... so refreshing.
Praise Jesus for my friend Brit Chaney. I'm so grateful. :)
Meet my friend, Brit Chaney.
Brit and I have an interesting story. I've never actually met her in person. Strange. I heard about her through a mutual friend about a year ago, when I expressed to this girl (Erin Conner) that I was going to do YWAM in Hawaii. Erin told me about her friend, Brit, who was currently in MAUI, staffing for a YWAM school down there. So I found Brit on the F-book... (major props) and messaged her and asked her if she could tell me a little more about YWAM and Hawaii and how the next 6 months were gonna be. She messaged me back with nothing but a phone number and told me to call her cuz she would love to chat. And BOY did we:)
She has played a HUGE role in my life the last year as far as YWAM goes, and even in every day life situations. She has a passion and deep LOVE for Jesus unlike any I've ever seen in my entire life, it's incredible really. I wish I could introduce her and have her talk to every single person in my life. She will leave you with a heart that loves Jesus more, or one that wants to know about this MAN THAT HAS COMPLETELY STOLEN THE HEART OF THIS GIRL.
Ahhh.... so refreshing.
Praise Jesus for my friend Brit Chaney. I'm so grateful. :)
Thursday, April 02, 2009
:::Again & again & again:::
The past week has been a very interesting one. God's been doing some pretty sweet (that's "sweet" as in, really cute, gentle, sweetheart type stuff) in my life lately.
Sunday I got home from my trip to Atlanta and Florida with my man to visit his family... talk about a FUN time!!! We had a blast, surprised his parents and brother and sister... (they didn't know we were making a stop in Atlanta!) and then took a 9 hour road trip down to Bonita Springs, Florida, where we stayed with his grandparents in their BEAUTIFUL home the rest of the week... making a couple day visits at the beach of course:) It was SO NICE!!! That was a very much needed week... Bill and I got to spend a lot of good quality time together and it was such a treat:)
God started tugging on my heart while I was IN Atlanta. I went to his younger sister's Senior High service at their church, and oh my gosh it was amazing. The Holy Spirit was there in every way... from the awesome worship (led by Bill's younger sisters boyfriend, Nick, who is SO cool and so in love with Jesus!) to the sermon, which was such an intense, powerful sermon about the Holy Spirit and how we shouldn't become complacent in our walk with Christ and we need to RUN after Him with everything we have!! (A sermon I really needed to hear.)
THEN... a couple days later... Bill surprised me with a special guest at our random lunch date at Moe's.... his mentor Matt Miller! We ate our little burritos and started talking with Matt, who is such a great guy. Our conversation lasted for about 3 hours, and consisted of Matt mentoring Bill and I and giving us awesome, Godly advice for our relationship. It was a mini-taste of pre-engagement counseling:) I loved every minute of it!!! God used that time to tug on my heart as well.... He apparently really wants me back!
Anyways, the transition back into real life.... Bill being insanely busy with schoolwork and me working 35+ hours a week.... has been a difficult one. My life has been so full of transitions ever since coming back from DTS, it's crazy. I feel like I haven't had any chance to stop, relax, and spend time with JUST my Jesus... and to be honest that fact alone is having more of a negative effect on me than I think I even realize.
I went to Revival Town, the service on Tuesday nights at my church, and it was awesome. I walked into the service to the song "He Loves Us...." a song that's invaded my life since last summer and hasn't left. It was awesome. I worshipped God for a little bit... something I haven't done in quite a while unfortunately.... then caught a glimpse of my incredible cousin, Nico, and asked him to pray for me. Nico's 2 days older than me and has always had such a special place in my heart. Anyways, with the authority he has in Christ, he prayed for me and over me and just really encouraged my heart. It was just what I needed. Thank Jesus for the incredible people He's made:)
That was Tuesday night... so refreshing. My cousin flew in last night... and she's recently come back to Jesus after living the past 22 years of her life her own way, and boy is she on FIRE!!! Ahhh... such a blessing!!! In the midst of my crazy, complacent, somewhat depressing week, Jesus sends me a little spark He's started in my cousin and it's so incredibly encouraging and so inspiring!! I stayed up talking with her and my mom until 3 in the morning... (bad idea when I had to be at work today at 8 am...) but we just talked about Jesus and about what He's been doing in her life and about faith... oh my gosh.... touched my heart so much!!
I miss being surrounded and having a solid group of friends that are all in love with Jesus... to the point where He's all we talk about, all we want, all we feed on in our lives. Coming back from DTS has been hard in different ways. I've in a sense lost my good, solid friends who were in love with Jesus as much as I was and pushed me closer to Him. Life happened, relationships happened, "busyness" happened.... and now it's gone. I miss having friends who I could just stay up all night with talking about Jesus.
I experienced that a little bit last night again with my cousin! The realization that I've been missing that for so long broke my heart. :( I hate where I'm at right now. I miss the days in high school where I had one love and one love only and my hearts desire was chasing after Him.
I want to be back there. And I will. God wants me back!! :)
There are several things I've learned from the old days at _tag... (the glory days.) One is this: You hunger for what you feed on.
That's something that I need to really grasp in my life right now. I've been feeding on work, relationships, facebook lol. Anything and everything but my relationship with Jesus... so obviously by not feeding on it, I'm not hungering and desiring it!! Ohhhh but believe me, I am. I want Him so badly!
My cousin said something last night that was incredible to me: "You can't meet Jesus and have a relationship with Him and NOT be a radical, fanatic, etc. It's impossible. When you truly meet Him, and have a growing relationship with Him, you will want nothing less. Lukewarm Christianity is a joke and a waste of time. People are selfish and try to develop their own Christianity, regardless of what scripture says, but it's right there for you to read. You need to either be all in, or all out."
Amazing. My life since YWAM has been lukewarm. I don't want to get spit out of God's mouth. I want to live my life abundantly here while I'm on the earth... and that can only happen to the extent that I'm plugged into my Jesus. I want to walk with Him. I want to have a radical prayer life. I want to be addicted and feed off of the Word. I want to worship Him in the Spirit! I don't want to get trapped into a life of sin; lust, pride, and deceit have been the roads most traveled in my life recently and I need to get out.
Jesus is truth. He's the way. He is life. His love for me is more than anything I can comprehend and that love demands my whole life.
Sunday I got home from my trip to Atlanta and Florida with my man to visit his family... talk about a FUN time!!! We had a blast, surprised his parents and brother and sister... (they didn't know we were making a stop in Atlanta!) and then took a 9 hour road trip down to Bonita Springs, Florida, where we stayed with his grandparents in their BEAUTIFUL home the rest of the week... making a couple day visits at the beach of course:) It was SO NICE!!! That was a very much needed week... Bill and I got to spend a lot of good quality time together and it was such a treat:)
God started tugging on my heart while I was IN Atlanta. I went to his younger sister's Senior High service at their church, and oh my gosh it was amazing. The Holy Spirit was there in every way... from the awesome worship (led by Bill's younger sisters boyfriend, Nick, who is SO cool and so in love with Jesus!) to the sermon, which was such an intense, powerful sermon about the Holy Spirit and how we shouldn't become complacent in our walk with Christ and we need to RUN after Him with everything we have!! (A sermon I really needed to hear.)
THEN... a couple days later... Bill surprised me with a special guest at our random lunch date at Moe's.... his mentor Matt Miller! We ate our little burritos and started talking with Matt, who is such a great guy. Our conversation lasted for about 3 hours, and consisted of Matt mentoring Bill and I and giving us awesome, Godly advice for our relationship. It was a mini-taste of pre-engagement counseling:) I loved every minute of it!!! God used that time to tug on my heart as well.... He apparently really wants me back!
Anyways, the transition back into real life.... Bill being insanely busy with schoolwork and me working 35+ hours a week.... has been a difficult one. My life has been so full of transitions ever since coming back from DTS, it's crazy. I feel like I haven't had any chance to stop, relax, and spend time with JUST my Jesus... and to be honest that fact alone is having more of a negative effect on me than I think I even realize.
I went to Revival Town, the service on Tuesday nights at my church, and it was awesome. I walked into the service to the song "He Loves Us...." a song that's invaded my life since last summer and hasn't left. It was awesome. I worshipped God for a little bit... something I haven't done in quite a while unfortunately.... then caught a glimpse of my incredible cousin, Nico, and asked him to pray for me. Nico's 2 days older than me and has always had such a special place in my heart. Anyways, with the authority he has in Christ, he prayed for me and over me and just really encouraged my heart. It was just what I needed. Thank Jesus for the incredible people He's made:)
That was Tuesday night... so refreshing. My cousin flew in last night... and she's recently come back to Jesus after living the past 22 years of her life her own way, and boy is she on FIRE!!! Ahhh... such a blessing!!! In the midst of my crazy, complacent, somewhat depressing week, Jesus sends me a little spark He's started in my cousin and it's so incredibly encouraging and so inspiring!! I stayed up talking with her and my mom until 3 in the morning... (bad idea when I had to be at work today at 8 am...) but we just talked about Jesus and about what He's been doing in her life and about faith... oh my gosh.... touched my heart so much!!
I miss being surrounded and having a solid group of friends that are all in love with Jesus... to the point where He's all we talk about, all we want, all we feed on in our lives. Coming back from DTS has been hard in different ways. I've in a sense lost my good, solid friends who were in love with Jesus as much as I was and pushed me closer to Him. Life happened, relationships happened, "busyness" happened.... and now it's gone. I miss having friends who I could just stay up all night with talking about Jesus.
I experienced that a little bit last night again with my cousin! The realization that I've been missing that for so long broke my heart. :( I hate where I'm at right now. I miss the days in high school where I had one love and one love only and my hearts desire was chasing after Him.
I want to be back there. And I will. God wants me back!! :)
There are several things I've learned from the old days at _tag... (the glory days.) One is this: You hunger for what you feed on.
That's something that I need to really grasp in my life right now. I've been feeding on work, relationships, facebook lol. Anything and everything but my relationship with Jesus... so obviously by not feeding on it, I'm not hungering and desiring it!! Ohhhh but believe me, I am. I want Him so badly!
My cousin said something last night that was incredible to me: "You can't meet Jesus and have a relationship with Him and NOT be a radical, fanatic, etc. It's impossible. When you truly meet Him, and have a growing relationship with Him, you will want nothing less. Lukewarm Christianity is a joke and a waste of time. People are selfish and try to develop their own Christianity, regardless of what scripture says, but it's right there for you to read. You need to either be all in, or all out."
Amazing. My life since YWAM has been lukewarm. I don't want to get spit out of God's mouth. I want to live my life abundantly here while I'm on the earth... and that can only happen to the extent that I'm plugged into my Jesus. I want to walk with Him. I want to have a radical prayer life. I want to be addicted and feed off of the Word. I want to worship Him in the Spirit! I don't want to get trapped into a life of sin; lust, pride, and deceit have been the roads most traveled in my life recently and I need to get out.
Jesus is truth. He's the way. He is life. His love for me is more than anything I can comprehend and that love demands my whole life.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
:::Changing the Station:::
I can always tell how close I am to God when I pay attention to what music I'm listening too. The times in my life when I'm chasing after Him hardcore and completely wrapped up in who He is and what He's called me to be.... I'm listening to stuff like Shawn McDonald, Shane&Shane, Hillsong United, Sara Groves. Stuff that feeds my soul and constantly encourages and reminds me of who He is and who I am in Him.
But OTHER times.... like now, unfortunately, I listen to rapcrap and stupid music that has NOTHING to offer your life other than a nice beat to bob your head to. The words are trash, the people who sing the words live lives pointed in the opposite direction of who I want to be, and the ideas, thoughts, and meditations of my heart when I LISTEN to those songs are, quite honestly, trash as well.
I'm back alright. Back into the real world. It's hard y'all. ("Y'allllll" - a little shout-out to my YWAM bed buddy, a girl named Wisdom, the beauty from Texas) :)
Anyways. It's been hard. But awesome... but hard.... but awesome. :)
Let me explain. It's been so nice to be back in the same place as the man I'm in love with; to be able to see him every week and talk to him and BE with him and do life with him again.... that's been the biggest blessing in my life so far. Being back with my family has been awesome too, living life with them again and having them right there to help me through anything has been amazing.
But everything else..... hard. I MISS being in a community of people who are all in love with Jesus. Its hard coming back to ordinary life, especially when you realized at one point that you are ruined from the ordinary.
The fact that I spent the last 5.5 months living in Hawaii/Kyrgyzstan, and living among some of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life is honestly surreal to me. That time FLEW by. Those people made more of an impact in my life than I think they will ever truly realize.
The time I spent with them was so amazing, and its just so hard for me to believe that they're GONE!!!! Not like, gone-gone, I just mean out of my life. I mean, the awesome guys I met won't ever be just a "stones-throw" down the road in the Creekhouse ever again, and the incredible girls I met won't ever be my roomies/be just a 5-step walk in the Shekinah house ever again! I HATE that.
I love the people here. I love my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. But I love the people back in Hawaii/Kyrgyzstan too. I WISH I could mesh those two worlds together. Maybe one day..... who knows:)
Anyways back to the topic of this post.... MUSIC! No, jk. It's more my relationship with God, and how hard it has been to pursue since I've been home. I've taken a lot of different things into account for sure, different relationships in my life that are pushing me either closer or farther from who I want to be. I think right now I need to find people in my life, here back at home, who are head over heels in LOVE with Jesus, so its like Donald Miller says, the way they love is inspiring... "it's like they're showing me the way."
I need that so desperately in my life right now, I can't keep going the way I'm going because my heart is dying on the inside. My heart belongs to Jesus and always has, that will never change, I decided that a long time ago, but I want my heart to be more in tuned with His and I want my life to reflect Him more. I WANT Him to be my best friend, not just sing about it! I WANT Him to be Lord of my life and to speak to me through every situation and give me enough grace to do His will in every situation.
Right now, I'm listening to rapcrap and trying to do things on my own, I can't survive that way. I feel it. I feel my heart slowly falling away and slowly dying.... where sadness, doubt, bitterness, hatred, and rebellion start to creep in. It affects the way I think, the way I speak, and the way I treat the people that I genuinely love. I don't want to live in that way, I want to live my life to the fullest that God's called me to.
SO. I've recently changed my station... back to music thats encouraging and helps my mind and heart focus on the right things. There's this one song that I'm obsessed with right now thats on the radio a lot lately.... called "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North.
Here are the lyrics.
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run'
Cause I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
Praise God for giving us more music than just rapcrap... *smile* and praise the Holy Spirit for drawing near to me, even tho I'm far away, through one simple song. He works so well. He is good.
I love my King.
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within."
Monday, February 23, 2009
:::Back:::
I'm baaaaaaack.
I haven't written in a while due to my recent life experiences... that is, an amazing YWAM adventure.... (which you can read about at my other blog: http://www.jocelynywam.blogspot.org/ if you really really want to.)
But, now its time to return to Earnestly. Earnestly seeking Him.
I love blogging. I really do. I love being able to process out my thoughts and sort out my emotions, and I think writing is the easiest way for me to do that. I do it more for myself than for anybody else, but its cool to have some of you follow along and read little bits and pieces of my crazy life every now&then. :)
Home. Technically, thats where I am now. But I'm not too sure.
Returning to the YWAM base in Honolulu after 2 months of Outreach certainly felt like I was returning home....
Then again, coming back to CO after 5.5 months of being away also felt like I was coming back home.
Then again, being in the arms of the man I'm in love with, wherever he is, whether he comes to visit me in Hawaii or I go see him up on the hill in CO where he lives... ALSO feels like home.
Whats the definition of home anyway??
home:: /hoÊŠm/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [hohm] Show IPA Pronunciation noun, adjective, adverb, verb, homed, hom⋅ing.
–noun
1.a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2.the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3.an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.
4.the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.
5.the place or region where something is native or most common.
6.any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.
7.a person's native place or own country.
And of course, everybody has heard the cliche' phrase::: "Home is where the heart is..."
So sweet. But at times so confusing.
My heart is in Jesus. And He's everywhere. So does that mean my home is wherever He wants me to be according to His perfect plan and will for my life?
....
I think I just solved my own problem.
Hahaha.... see why I love blogging? :)
I haven't written in a while due to my recent life experiences... that is, an amazing YWAM adventure.... (which you can read about at my other blog: http://www.jocelynywam.blogspot.org/ if you really really want to.)
But, now its time to return to Earnestly. Earnestly seeking Him.
I love blogging. I really do. I love being able to process out my thoughts and sort out my emotions, and I think writing is the easiest way for me to do that. I do it more for myself than for anybody else, but its cool to have some of you follow along and read little bits and pieces of my crazy life every now&then. :)
Home. Technically, thats where I am now. But I'm not too sure.
Returning to the YWAM base in Honolulu after 2 months of Outreach certainly felt like I was returning home....
Then again, coming back to CO after 5.5 months of being away also felt like I was coming back home.
Then again, being in the arms of the man I'm in love with, wherever he is, whether he comes to visit me in Hawaii or I go see him up on the hill in CO where he lives... ALSO feels like home.
Whats the definition of home anyway??
home:: /hoÊŠm/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [hohm] Show IPA Pronunciation noun, adjective, adverb, verb, homed, hom⋅ing.
–noun
1.a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2.the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3.an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.
4.the dwelling place or retreat of an animal.
5.the place or region where something is native or most common.
6.any place of residence or refuge: a heavenly home.
7.a person's native place or own country.
And of course, everybody has heard the cliche' phrase::: "Home is where the heart is..."
So sweet. But at times so confusing.
My heart is in Jesus. And He's everywhere. So does that mean my home is wherever He wants me to be according to His perfect plan and will for my life?
....
I think I just solved my own problem.
Hahaha.... see why I love blogging? :)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
{ <3 }
♥
Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us.
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way.
It is as if
I knew you before we spoke.
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging, without giving us any say...
(Chorus)
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls,
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to...
You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks,
With sonnets and second-hand books.
Playing the chords in me,
nobody knew how to play.
(Chorus)
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls,
Look through my windows as I wait.
You could be the thief
I give the key to...
It fits in your hand like the water in rain.
It unlocks our two different selves and shows we are the same.
Rather than wait 'til I put me out for the taking,
You're breaking... you're breaking into my heart.
...and I'm letting you.
Your eyes are full, full of the future of us.
full of the future of us.
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way.
It is as if
I knew you before we spoke.
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging, without giving us any say...
(Chorus)
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls,
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to...
You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks,
With sonnets and second-hand books.
Playing the chords in me,
nobody knew how to play.
(Chorus)
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls,
Look through my windows as I wait.
You could be the thief
I give the key to...
It fits in your hand like the water in rain.
It unlocks our two different selves and shows we are the same.
Rather than wait 'til I put me out for the taking,
You're breaking... you're breaking into my heart.
...and I'm letting you.
Your eyes are full, full of the future of us.
♥
1/2 way there my best friend...
I love you.
:)
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
::Gosh I miss you::
We were both young when I first saw you.
I close my eyes and the flashback starts,
I'm standing there,
on a balcony in summer air.
See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns.
I see you make your way through the crowd,
you say "Hello."
Little did I know...
That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles...
and my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet..."
and I was crying on the staircase,
begging you "please don’t go..."
and I said,
"Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone.
I’ll be waiting, all theres left to do is run.
You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess...
Its a love story, baby just say yes."
So I sneak out to the garden to see you.
We keep quiet, cause' we’re dead if they knew,
so close your eyes...
escape this town for little while.
Cause' you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter.
and my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet..."
but you were everything to me,
and I was begging you "please don’t go..."
and I said,
"Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone.
I’ll be waiting, all there's left to do is run.
You be the prince, and I’ll be the princess...
its a love story, baby just say yes.
Romeo save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel...
This love is difficult, but its so real.
Don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out of this mess.
Its a love story, baby just say yes."
Oh, oh
I got tired of waiting...
wondering if you were ever coming around.
My faith in you was fading...
when i met you on the outskirts of town, and I said,
Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting for you, but you never come...
is this in my head, I don’t know what to think.
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said,
"Marry me Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone.
I love you and thats all I really know.
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress.
It's a love story, baby just say yes."
♥
(I love you!)
I close my eyes and the flashback starts,
I'm standing there,
on a balcony in summer air.
See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns.
I see you make your way through the crowd,
you say "Hello."
Little did I know...
That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles...
and my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet..."
and I was crying on the staircase,
begging you "please don’t go..."
and I said,
"Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone.
I’ll be waiting, all theres left to do is run.
You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess...
Its a love story, baby just say yes."
So I sneak out to the garden to see you.
We keep quiet, cause' we’re dead if they knew,
so close your eyes...
escape this town for little while.
Cause' you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter.
and my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet..."
but you were everything to me,
and I was begging you "please don’t go..."
and I said,
"Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone.
I’ll be waiting, all there's left to do is run.
You be the prince, and I’ll be the princess...
its a love story, baby just say yes.
Romeo save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel...
This love is difficult, but its so real.
Don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out of this mess.
Its a love story, baby just say yes."
Oh, oh
I got tired of waiting...
wondering if you were ever coming around.
My faith in you was fading...
when i met you on the outskirts of town, and I said,
Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting for you, but you never come...
is this in my head, I don’t know what to think.
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said,
"Marry me Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone.
I love you and thats all I really know.
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress.
It's a love story, baby just say yes."
♥
(I love you!)
Monday, September 22, 2008
::3 Months::
My Best Friend.
My Love.
3 Months.
More than half of it has been long distance, and it kills me.
I can't wait to be with him again.
♥
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
::2 Months Down::
So... I can't believe it's only been two months... especially when it feels like so much longer...
But hey.... two months it is!! :)
Two wonderful months with a new best friend that I'm learning to grow with more, trust more, and love more.
The future is so unknown... (well, maybe just a little unknown...) :) ...but its nice to have a best friend who trusts in, loves, and yields to the same God I do.
Our God is the only blessing that stays constant through this whole relationship, and it's nice when you can place your complete faith in that... knowing that He wants whats best for each of us anyways.
So. Yes. Two months and counting... (and hoping for many, many more to come....) :) We'll see.
But for now, I'm going to enjoy him. Everything about him. He really is an amazing man, leader, friend... and I'm so so so sooo thankful to share this time of my life with him.
He's my best friend. :)
But hey.... two months it is!! :)
Two wonderful months with a new best friend that I'm learning to grow with more, trust more, and love more.
The future is so unknown... (well, maybe just a little unknown...) :) ...but its nice to have a best friend who trusts in, loves, and yields to the same God I do.
Our God is the only blessing that stays constant through this whole relationship, and it's nice when you can place your complete faith in that... knowing that He wants whats best for each of us anyways.
So. Yes. Two months and counting... (and hoping for many, many more to come....) :) We'll see.
But for now, I'm going to enjoy him. Everything about him. He really is an amazing man, leader, friend... and I'm so so so sooo thankful to share this time of my life with him.
He's my best friend. :)
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
::Stages::
It's amazing how different people can be in such drastically different stages of life.
For instance, my best friends and I.
For instance, my best friends and I.
-One of my best friends just got accepted into the Hillsong School of Worship and is leaving in January for two years! :) (Very bittersweet... tell you why in a second.)
-Another one of my best friends just got back from YWAM, and is just starting a very serious relationship with a boy she's been in love with for four years and who has finally become everything he needs to be to her!!
-My other best friend is head over heels in love with the Lord, and is pursuing Him alone, wanting nothing else in life!!! SO encouraging!
-My other best friend is in the process of possibly ending what was an extremely serious two and a half year relationship. :( Maybe, maybe not, but either way it hurts being at that point.
Such a catharsis of emotions no? How can I go from being SO excited/sad finding out about my friend going to Hillsong in the morning, to crying over dinner with my other friend who tells me, between sobs, that things might be over between her and the man she's been in love with for almost 3 years?
I hurt for her. :(
I dunno. Emotions are such an unstable thing. Relationships are sometimes such unstable things! Talk about taking a risk!! Putting yourself completely out there, learning day by day to trust completely in the other person you're giving part of your heart to, while making sure your not giving too much of yourself too quickly because "you never know whats going to happen."
Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to not put yourself in the relationship situation at all, and instead to just avoid having your heart broken with something that you were so sure about turn into something that is completely unexpected. Avoiding that whole thing altogether.
But then, I think of the happiness I've had in my relationship...
-------------------------------------------------------------
*The special feeling you get when you know they want to be with you all the time.
*The smile you can't take off your face for the rest of the day when they randomly come and surprise you at work... (my co-workers said I was glowing!!) :)
*The random texts you get throughout the day, telling you that they are thinking about you and that they love you.
*The way you feel beautiful when they compliment you, or when you randomly catch them staring at you with a smile on their face... :)
*The fact that almost every thought you have is centered around them.
*The surprise card you get from them in the mail telling you they miss you while being gone for 3 long weeks... :)
*The Peace, safety, and security you feel when you're around that person.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I wouldn't give any of that up for the whole world! I definitely think its a risk worth taking. But the solid truth of your life is its a risk you don't have to take alone. Regardless of what happens... things work out.... or they don't.... you still have the faithful, never-ending love that is more than enough for you.
Yes emotions are unstable. Yes sometimes when I'm at the highest point in my life, one of my best friends might be at the lowest point of hers. And it's ok to meet her there, cry with her, feel for her. It's ok to understand that there are highs and lows, but the thing you must build your life on, is the fact that you don't have to run through those ups and downs completely blinded. There is a rock, a truth, a comforter, firm ground you can stand on.
No you don't know the outcome of the story, but you know the author. And what you know about the author is that He loves you in a deep, personal, faithful way with an unconditional love. He wants the best for you and will turn all things, highs or lows - ups or downs, out for YOUR good.
The sooner I can fully grasp that concept, humble myself, and trust solely in Him and His plan for my life, the more peaceful I can live. I think it's something Christians struggle with. But I'm determined to find the secret of faith; fully believing and downloading the knowledge of Him I have in my head, to the everyday choices and life I live from my heart. And rest there.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
::They say it better than most::
Bethany Dillon and Brooke Fraser... favorites.
"For My Love" - BD
Walk towards me
I want to hear the heavens singing over you
When you breathe,
And look at me,
"For My Love" - BD
Walk towards me
I want to hear the heavens singing over you
When you breathe,
And look at me,
I want to be captured by you.
Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight thousands, for my love.
Slip your hand in mine,
Ask me to dance with you tonight.
Just ask me for my love.
I want to hide what’s deep in my eyes...
I’m scared to be known by you.
But when I turn my head,
And see you there,
I want to be pursued.
Gaze into my eyes,
And let me know you’d fight thousands, for my love.
Slip your hand in mine,
Ask me to dance with you tonight,
Just ask me for my love.
A dream I won’t wake from.
A story that will never end.
The ground your feet walk on,
Let me be there, let me be there.
Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight thousands, for my love.
Slip your hand in mine,
Ask me to dance with you tonight.
Just ask me for my love.
I want to hide what’s deep in my eyes...
I’m scared to be known by you.
But when I turn my head,
And see you there,
I want to be pursued.
Gaze into my eyes,
And let me know you’d fight thousands, for my love.
Slip your hand in mine,
Ask me to dance with you tonight,
Just ask me for my love.
A dream I won’t wake from.
A story that will never end.
The ground your feet walk on,
Let me be there, let me be there.
"Are You Sure?" - BD
I've written you a lot of songs
The kind you write on rainy days
Unrequited love
But now I'm humming a different tune
Just twelve hours ago I was sitting on a bench with you
I've never heard of something that sweet
But are you sure you want me?
I tried to say, "I want this to work,"
And yet take off the weight...
If you change your mind, I won't hurt forever
Because I don't know what else to do.
But I'd do anything to have three more hours on a bench with you.
I've never heard of something that sweet
But are you sure you want me?
Everything within me doesn't want to risk,
Doesn't want to risk anymore.
But if it means I get to see the light in your eyes
I'll risk so much more.
I've never heard of something that sweet.
But are you sure you want me?
I won't be full of second guesses...
So now I'll just sit and think about how sweet it is.
"Love Is Waiting" - BF (favorite)
In the autumn on the ground,
between the traffic and the ordinary sounds,
I am thinking signs and seasons...
while a north wind blows through.
I watch as lovers pass me by,
Walking stories - "whos and hows and whys..."
Musing lazily on love...
Pondering you.
I'll give it time, give it space...
I'll be still for a spell.
When it's time to walk that way,
we wanna walk it well.
I'll be waiting for you baby,
I'll be holding back the darkest night.
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right.
Love is waiting.
It's my caution, not the cold.
there's no other hand that i would rather hold.
The climate changes,
I'm singing for strangers about you.
Dont keep time, slow the pace.
Honey hold on if you can.
The bets are getting surer now,
that you're my man.
I could write a million songs about the way you say my name.
I could live a lifetime with you, and then do it all again.
And like I can't force the sun to rise, or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart
When it's time to walk that way,
we wanna walk it well.
I'll be waiting for you baby,
I'll be holding back the darkest night.
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right.
Love is waiting.
It's my caution, not the cold.
there's no other hand that i would rather hold.
The climate changes,
I'm singing for strangers about you.
Dont keep time, slow the pace.
Honey hold on if you can.
The bets are getting surer now,
that you're my man.
I could write a million songs about the way you say my name.
I could live a lifetime with you, and then do it all again.
And like I can't force the sun to rise, or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart
"Without You" - BF
The sky opens up over me and you,
And you don't seem to mind that we're soaked through.
You kiss me in the rain, I forget what I'm moaning about.
And I know I wouldn't be the same without you.
I wouldn't be the same without you
I wouldn't be the same without you
I laugh at my own jokes and what I deem to be clever wit,
And you don't seem to mind that I'm so stupid.
You kiss me once again, I forget what I'm babbling about...
And I know I wouldn't be the same without you.
I couldn't replicate your touch, or love anyone again this much.
But I wouldn't be the same without you.
I wouldn't be the same
I wouldn't be the same
I wouldn't be the same without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
"Still In Love" - BF
I'm not hanging on your every word
I'm thriving on my self-sufficiency
I'm not listening to the things I've heard
About me and you
People think there must be something
to the way I talk about you every chance I get
But if I think about you night and day
Doesn't mean I'm ready yet
Maybe I am knee-deep in denial
Or maybe I'm just trying to move on
Maybe I should keep away awhile
But if distance is right I'd rather be wrong
Because I love the way you're smiling at me
When you know it's true
I'm still in love with you
And I love the way you're really trying
Not to let me see
You're still in love with me too
I am way to proud to verbalize my feelings
And you are way to mean if you just let this brew
It's a complicated hand that you've been dealing
Time to win me over: fold and make your move
Smooth some calm over this situation
I can't get past the way I feel for you
It's the little things that make this worth the effort
It's the small, little, insignificant things you do
That make me love the way you're glancing, hoping
When you know it's true
I'm still in love with you
And I love that I'm barely coping
When you let me see
You're still in love with me too
In love, still in love withIn love, still in love with
In love, still in love with you
"You Could Be The One" - BD
Could I talk to you sometime this afternoon?
About some things I know I'm reading into
Because you and me come at this differently
And I'm just trying to be honest with you
Now that I've found you in the most unexpected places
You were right in front of my face
You could be the one that I could hold on to forever, hold on to forever
You could be the one
Yeah, I get it
Go change the subject
But I can't forget how much this seems to fit
When you feel this way
Everything sounds so cliche
But I'll try to explain my side of this
Now that I've found you in the most unexpected places
You were right in front of my face
You could be the one that I could hold on to forever, hold on to forever
You could be the one
Maybe you are the kind that doesn't want to say it
I should just let you be
But maybe if I spoke up that would be enough
To give my mind some peace
You could be the one that I could hold on to forever, hold on to forever
You could be
You could be the one that I could hold on to forever, hold on to forever
You could be the one,
You could be the one
"When You Love Someone" - BD
This morning was a fight to get up
Those words still ringing in my head
Never felt like such a fool in front of anyone
I guess that's what you do when you love someone
I was in Nashville, you were driving home
I wish I'd been in the passenger seat
I just needed you to know that I'm coming undone
That's what you do when you love someone
If I fall, I'll try a little harder and get back up
Please stay by me, love
That's what you do when you love someone
That's what you do when you love someone
Just give me time, if you need more
There's no way to ever really know
How to protect yourself or predict the outcome
But you'll do anything when you love someone
You'll do anything when you love someone
If I fall, I'll try a little harder and get back up
Please stay by me, love
That's what you do when you love someone
That's what you do when you love someone
I just hung up the phone
You've got a way of changing my day
You proved me wrong
When I was convinced I was alone
Yeah, that's what you do when you love someone
If I fall, I'll try a little harder and get back up
Please stay by me, love
That's what you do when you love someone
That's what you do when you love someone
"Waste Another Day" - BF
Don't you say it's too early
Baby I don't wanna waste the day
When we've got everything on our side
And nothing in our way
We can do what we wanna
'Cos today the world is ours
Nothing gray, just real time and color
In which to whittle away the hours
We could speak 'til nothing's left unspoken
We could drive 'til we've run out of road
We could drink 'til we've emptied the ocean
But I'd be happy here
Happy just to hold you
Til the suns and planets disappear
I could stay in your arms all year
Even if that means infinity through.
If being productive is being with you
Then baby I don't want to waste another day
I'll shout aloud what I'm feeling
Let my tongue be still no more
Now I know that it's the real thing
Just try and keep me quiet about it
Oh... 'Cos we could stare until we both are blinded
We could fall 'til gravity gets tired
We could lose our love just to re-find it
But I'm just happy here
Happy staying beside you
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
::Psalms::
"Lord, I have given up my pride and turned away from my arrogance.I am not concerned with great matters,or with subjects too difficult for me.Instead, I amcontent and at peace;as a child lies quietly in itsmothers' arms, so my heart is quiet within me.Israel,trust in the Lord!Now and forever!"~Psalms 131
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
::Connections::
It's amazing how the Kingdom of God works. Connections, connections, connections, people.
Who would've thought that I would have a conversation over the phone with a girl named Britany Chaney who I heard about last friday at the Mill from a girl named Erin Conner who I met randomly a few months ago because she recognized me from some pictures of me and a mutual friend, named Jill Robshaw (now McCloghry), who I met about 5 years ago at a church retreat and who now lives in Australia!!
Who would've thought that this girl that I talked to on the phone.... (brought together through all these random connections of people separated by miles of oceans and miles of time....) would be used by God in my life right now and meet me right where my heart is at and encourage me closer to Him.
Ahhhh! So thankful to You, Lord!
Remember how in the last blog I mentioned how God had been doing a little work in me, and I'd explain after a little more refinement had taken place? Well, I'm still in the process of this "burning away the ugly," but I'm going to sort my thoughts out a bit and explain whats going on in my heart.
A few weeks ago, at the Desperation Conference, I was worshipping the God of the ages with Leeland leading the way, and I really sensed His Spirit and presence in that worshipful moment more than I had in a long more... )kinda like I had sensed it back in my highschool days... Wednesday nights at _tag.) (God bless _tag!)
Well it was in that moment of worship where I started to pray, what my old youth pastor Brent Parsley likes to call, "dangerous prayers."
You know, the "Lord, stretch me. Use me. Break me. Move me. Change my heart" type of prayers... very dangerous.
(Think about it. Those words basically instigate an invitation for God to roam freely in your heart, to the deepest darkest corners of your soul, and literally clean house. Very dangerous... at times very painful... but very worth the end result.)
So I stood there. Those dangerous words spouting from my mouth... me knowing the whole time what I was in for and praying for God to bring those prayers to pass and that work to completion in my life.
Well. Lets just say He's definitely been answering those prayers.
I've been noticing more and more ugly in my life that needs to stop being ugly and start looking more like Jesus.
So much insecurity... so much doubt and lack of faith in my God... so much selfishness in my relationships with friends and my family.... so much worry.... so much pride....
So much ugly.
It also hurts when you start to realize those things have probably been lurking around in your life for a while... but you just denied them or were too proud to notice and deal with them.
Those things in my life need to go, and I'm glad the Lord revealed them to me. They stand in the way of complete joy and security that I have in even KNOWING Christ.
They stand in the way of having the best relationships I possibly can have with my boyfriend, friends, and family.
The people around me know that I need to change the ugly... but whats so amazing, is that God shows me He loves me through the way people in my life love me! The way they are so patient with my emotions, the way they hold me, stroke my hair, and tell me they're not going anywhere. The way they love me is such a perfect parallel and representation of God's love for me. It's humbling.
I hate that sometimes I deal with so much insecurity... (insecurity that was maybe built up from a previous relationship or negative situation)... that I sometimes doubt and struggle with believing and accepting love from the people that love me, and that I love, the most. Sometimes I just straight up hate the way I look. Sometimes I find me comparing myself to other people... whether comparing the physical, personality, relationships, etc.... and its all in a negative way. Sometimes I struggle with trusting the people I love, the God that I love.
Worry has also been a constant companion to me over the past few weeks...
"Whats going to happen to my relationships when I go to YWAM?"
"What does guarding your heart actually mean? How do I apply that to my relationship?"
"How am I going to get money to fund my trip?"
I'm literally psychoanalyzing every situation to come, and trying to solve "future problems" in my life... before they even exist! (IF they ever will exist!)
It's honestly the most twisted method of guarding your heart any person could've ever invented.
Like, for instance, my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm already anticipating missing him terribly while I'm gone... and that anticipation alone makes me sad... TODAY... even tho he's still here with me. (??) Confusing? Ya I dunno.
I'm crazy.
But I remember praying to God that I wouldn't be a person thats driven solely on emotions. I want to be driven and live my life according to HIS truth... not my emotions or feelings or what I believe to be true of myself at the time.
My friend Sally Ward Knepper (A friend that I also randomly met through a connection with Jill... soo crazy...) :) emailed me earlier this week and what she had to say really touched my heart and blessed me with this situation I'm dealing with in my life right now.
"The Bible was and is and always will be true. We must believe what the Bible says about us above our thoughts and feelings. What I was experiencing were lies from the devil who was trying to keep me in bondage. We often feel and "hear" things that are contrary to what the Bible says, but if we decide to believe the Bible over our thoughts and feelings, we can conquor any problem we face...... It took me applying God’s Word to my life by believing what it said about me above my feelings. For the first time I was able to experience true freedom from my problems. And I have never gone back. Sure, the devil has brought old thoughts back to me to try to discourage me, but now I know the truth. I can laugh at those thoughts now because I know in my heart who God says I am is the only thing that matters."
TRUTH!!
I want to be so grounded in that.
I'm tired of worrying about whether or not I'm going to go through another break up and have another broken heart... whether or not I'm as pretty as my boyfriends previous girlfriend... whether or not I always have the right words to say in every situation that my friends or family might be going through....
I want to live my life as a woman defined by God. Created by God. Knit together by God. Serving God for the rest of my life.
Talking to Britany today was SUCH a God-thing.
Try to imagine how awkward it must've been to never have seen/met someone in person... only through a mutual friend that you haven't even seen in 5 years... but to hear about this girl and how she did a DTS and worked on YWAM staff for the past two years... email and tell her you'd like to talk to her about YWAM if she ever go the chance... have her email you back with her number to call.... you call her and introduce yourself over the phone for the very first time... EVER.... did I mention you've never met her before... and she lives in Hawaii and you live in Colorado???
Can you just picture the awkwardness??
Well. It wasn't like that at all. :) Ha.
From the get-go, Britany was sweet, and SO welcoming to me and any questions I had. We ended up talking for about 25 minutes or so... and you have no idea how much I was blessed through that conversation.
This girl has a heart for the Lord and for missions that did nothing but encourage me to chase after Him with everything that's in me.
We told each other a little about ourselves... she explained a lot of the YWAM world to me and what I should be expecting over those 6 months... I explained to her how excited I was and some of the stuff I'd been going through.... we laughed at the fact that we both have Billy's... :) .... and she just really spoke truth over my life.
God spoke through her in ways she probably doesn't even realize. She mentioned things that were so close to my heart... things like how she had "such a distaste for the ordinary life..." (!!!!!!!!) That is something I've been feeling SO strongly, it's insane!! God spoke that to me.
She encouraged me with Psalms 131 and Colossians 3:2... that is, setting my mind on things above. Trying to view life from a Kingdom perspective, an idea I've always known... but an idea that I really needed to be reminded of right now.
Ah. So many blessings. So much truth!!
So, we got off the phone, and I felt like I've known her forever. After sharing our hearts with each other, she prayed over me and my life and my relationship with Billy, and left me completely hungry to know the Lord better.
It's random situations like these that make me laugh at how funny, and SO IN CONTROL, my God is.
He knew I needed this.
He knew I needed to speak to someone who'd lived the life that I'll be living here in about 1 month, He knew I needed the encouragement.
He knew I needed a friend who would be able to relate with what I was about to get into, kinda opening the way a little bit and easing some doubts.
He knew I needed a friend who was walking SO in His will and who was in a hot pursuit of Him, who would encourage me to do the same.
He knew, He knew, He KNOWS!!
God is so in control!!
He knows whats going to happen with me and Billy.
He knows whats going to happen at YWAM.
He knows I need to change the ugly...
He knows, He knows, He knows!! (I should write a song.) He understands. He sees what I don't. He has His best intentions for me... and He will fulfill His purpose in my life!!
So, that means, I'll rest.
I'll let Him take this time in my life... this last month or so I have before YWAM... to refine me. To break me and mold me into something that looks a little more like Him. To prepare me for all He has for me over the next 6 months. I'll trust Him to do a mighty work of patience and trust in both Billy and I.
I'm excited for the end results:)
I'm so grateful I serve a real God who's not just a piece of wood or gold. A God who loves me. Who interacts and is so evident in my life. A God who holds me in His hands and will never let me go... regardless of how many times I fall... get back up... fall... get back up....
God is so good.
___________________________________________________________
Reading: "Pursuit of Man" - AW Tozer, Romans
Listening: "Desert Song" - Jill and Brooke Fraser.
Who would've thought that I would have a conversation over the phone with a girl named Britany Chaney who I heard about last friday at the Mill from a girl named Erin Conner who I met randomly a few months ago because she recognized me from some pictures of me and a mutual friend, named Jill Robshaw (now McCloghry), who I met about 5 years ago at a church retreat and who now lives in Australia!!
Who would've thought that this girl that I talked to on the phone.... (brought together through all these random connections of people separated by miles of oceans and miles of time....) would be used by God in my life right now and meet me right where my heart is at and encourage me closer to Him.
Ahhhh! So thankful to You, Lord!
Remember how in the last blog I mentioned how God had been doing a little work in me, and I'd explain after a little more refinement had taken place? Well, I'm still in the process of this "burning away the ugly," but I'm going to sort my thoughts out a bit and explain whats going on in my heart.
A few weeks ago, at the Desperation Conference, I was worshipping the God of the ages with Leeland leading the way, and I really sensed His Spirit and presence in that worshipful moment more than I had in a long more... )kinda like I had sensed it back in my highschool days... Wednesday nights at _tag.) (God bless _tag!)
Well it was in that moment of worship where I started to pray, what my old youth pastor Brent Parsley likes to call, "dangerous prayers."
You know, the "Lord, stretch me. Use me. Break me. Move me. Change my heart" type of prayers... very dangerous.
(Think about it. Those words basically instigate an invitation for God to roam freely in your heart, to the deepest darkest corners of your soul, and literally clean house. Very dangerous... at times very painful... but very worth the end result.)
So I stood there. Those dangerous words spouting from my mouth... me knowing the whole time what I was in for and praying for God to bring those prayers to pass and that work to completion in my life.
Well. Lets just say He's definitely been answering those prayers.
I've been noticing more and more ugly in my life that needs to stop being ugly and start looking more like Jesus.
So much insecurity... so much doubt and lack of faith in my God... so much selfishness in my relationships with friends and my family.... so much worry.... so much pride....
So much ugly.
It also hurts when you start to realize those things have probably been lurking around in your life for a while... but you just denied them or were too proud to notice and deal with them.
Those things in my life need to go, and I'm glad the Lord revealed them to me. They stand in the way of complete joy and security that I have in even KNOWING Christ.
They stand in the way of having the best relationships I possibly can have with my boyfriend, friends, and family.
The people around me know that I need to change the ugly... but whats so amazing, is that God shows me He loves me through the way people in my life love me! The way they are so patient with my emotions, the way they hold me, stroke my hair, and tell me they're not going anywhere. The way they love me is such a perfect parallel and representation of God's love for me. It's humbling.
I hate that sometimes I deal with so much insecurity... (insecurity that was maybe built up from a previous relationship or negative situation)... that I sometimes doubt and struggle with believing and accepting love from the people that love me, and that I love, the most. Sometimes I just straight up hate the way I look. Sometimes I find me comparing myself to other people... whether comparing the physical, personality, relationships, etc.... and its all in a negative way. Sometimes I struggle with trusting the people I love, the God that I love.
Worry has also been a constant companion to me over the past few weeks...
"Whats going to happen to my relationships when I go to YWAM?"
"What does guarding your heart actually mean? How do I apply that to my relationship?"
"How am I going to get money to fund my trip?"
I'm literally psychoanalyzing every situation to come, and trying to solve "future problems" in my life... before they even exist! (IF they ever will exist!)
It's honestly the most twisted method of guarding your heart any person could've ever invented.
Like, for instance, my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm already anticipating missing him terribly while I'm gone... and that anticipation alone makes me sad... TODAY... even tho he's still here with me. (??) Confusing? Ya I dunno.
I'm crazy.
But I remember praying to God that I wouldn't be a person thats driven solely on emotions. I want to be driven and live my life according to HIS truth... not my emotions or feelings or what I believe to be true of myself at the time.
My friend Sally Ward Knepper (A friend that I also randomly met through a connection with Jill... soo crazy...) :) emailed me earlier this week and what she had to say really touched my heart and blessed me with this situation I'm dealing with in my life right now.
"The Bible was and is and always will be true. We must believe what the Bible says about us above our thoughts and feelings. What I was experiencing were lies from the devil who was trying to keep me in bondage. We often feel and "hear" things that are contrary to what the Bible says, but if we decide to believe the Bible over our thoughts and feelings, we can conquor any problem we face...... It took me applying God’s Word to my life by believing what it said about me above my feelings. For the first time I was able to experience true freedom from my problems. And I have never gone back. Sure, the devil has brought old thoughts back to me to try to discourage me, but now I know the truth. I can laugh at those thoughts now because I know in my heart who God says I am is the only thing that matters."
TRUTH!!
I want to be so grounded in that.
I'm tired of worrying about whether or not I'm going to go through another break up and have another broken heart... whether or not I'm as pretty as my boyfriends previous girlfriend... whether or not I always have the right words to say in every situation that my friends or family might be going through....
I want to live my life as a woman defined by God. Created by God. Knit together by God. Serving God for the rest of my life.
Talking to Britany today was SUCH a God-thing.
Try to imagine how awkward it must've been to never have seen/met someone in person... only through a mutual friend that you haven't even seen in 5 years... but to hear about this girl and how she did a DTS and worked on YWAM staff for the past two years... email and tell her you'd like to talk to her about YWAM if she ever go the chance... have her email you back with her number to call.... you call her and introduce yourself over the phone for the very first time... EVER.... did I mention you've never met her before... and she lives in Hawaii and you live in Colorado???
Can you just picture the awkwardness??
Well. It wasn't like that at all. :) Ha.
From the get-go, Britany was sweet, and SO welcoming to me and any questions I had. We ended up talking for about 25 minutes or so... and you have no idea how much I was blessed through that conversation.
This girl has a heart for the Lord and for missions that did nothing but encourage me to chase after Him with everything that's in me.
We told each other a little about ourselves... she explained a lot of the YWAM world to me and what I should be expecting over those 6 months... I explained to her how excited I was and some of the stuff I'd been going through.... we laughed at the fact that we both have Billy's... :) .... and she just really spoke truth over my life.
God spoke through her in ways she probably doesn't even realize. She mentioned things that were so close to my heart... things like how she had "such a distaste for the ordinary life..." (!!!!!!!!) That is something I've been feeling SO strongly, it's insane!! God spoke that to me.
She encouraged me with Psalms 131 and Colossians 3:2... that is, setting my mind on things above. Trying to view life from a Kingdom perspective, an idea I've always known... but an idea that I really needed to be reminded of right now.
Ah. So many blessings. So much truth!!
So, we got off the phone, and I felt like I've known her forever. After sharing our hearts with each other, she prayed over me and my life and my relationship with Billy, and left me completely hungry to know the Lord better.
It's random situations like these that make me laugh at how funny, and SO IN CONTROL, my God is.
He knew I needed this.
He knew I needed to speak to someone who'd lived the life that I'll be living here in about 1 month, He knew I needed the encouragement.
He knew I needed a friend who would be able to relate with what I was about to get into, kinda opening the way a little bit and easing some doubts.
He knew I needed a friend who was walking SO in His will and who was in a hot pursuit of Him, who would encourage me to do the same.
He knew, He knew, He KNOWS!!
God is so in control!!
He knows whats going to happen with me and Billy.
He knows whats going to happen at YWAM.
He knows I need to change the ugly...
He knows, He knows, He knows!! (I should write a song.) He understands. He sees what I don't. He has His best intentions for me... and He will fulfill His purpose in my life!!
So, that means, I'll rest.
I'll let Him take this time in my life... this last month or so I have before YWAM... to refine me. To break me and mold me into something that looks a little more like Him. To prepare me for all He has for me over the next 6 months. I'll trust Him to do a mighty work of patience and trust in both Billy and I.
I'm excited for the end results:)
I'm so grateful I serve a real God who's not just a piece of wood or gold. A God who loves me. Who interacts and is so evident in my life. A God who holds me in His hands and will never let me go... regardless of how many times I fall... get back up... fall... get back up....
God is so good.
___________________________________________________________
Reading: "Pursuit of Man" - AW Tozer, Romans
Listening: "Desert Song" - Jill and Brooke Fraser.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
::Updates::
I haven't written a blog in a while and I feel like writing one... so... here you go. :)
So. Let's start with some....
Weekly updates: One of my best friends named Laura finally came back on Sunday from 6 months of world missions with YWAM!!
We picked her up at the airport and totally surprised her... it was basically amazing. :) (You gotta love PW airport surprises...)
I've been staying busy working 32+ hrs a week at the Credit Union. I love working here... but my last day is definitely on September 3rd... as I'm going on my own little YWAM adventure!! It's gonna be so exciting. I will be living in Honolulu for 3 months... and then somewhere else for the last three!! (I started another blog about it... where I will be updating YWAM info. Look into my profile for that blog!) I'm so excited... 6 months with absolutely nothing familiar except my Savior. Looking forward to the victories and struggles that are coming in that period of my life... it should be a very "growing" stage for me.
Um... so my best friend has been in Atlanta for the past couple weeks and I miss him so much.
:( I hate being away from him. This boy is pretty much the most amazing blessing in my life right now and I hate leaving him! Then I have to do it again for 6 months... Long distance relationship. I think that might be one of the hardest things I have to deal with while being away at YWAM. He's in the Air Force though, so I guess we just have to get used to it eh? We have to be patient and view this time as "practice" for our relationship... and embrace it as so.
God is teaching me a lot about myself. Some of its been very painful to face, some of it is really humbling. But I'm growing through it. And won't stop. But those topics call for another post... on another day. After a little more refining has taken place in my heart.
So. Let's start with some....
Weekly updates: One of my best friends named Laura finally came back on Sunday from 6 months of world missions with YWAM!!
We picked her up at the airport and totally surprised her... it was basically amazing. :) (You gotta love PW airport surprises...) I've been staying busy working 32+ hrs a week at the Credit Union. I love working here... but my last day is definitely on September 3rd... as I'm going on my own little YWAM adventure!! It's gonna be so exciting. I will be living in Honolulu for 3 months... and then somewhere else for the last three!! (I started another blog about it... where I will be updating YWAM info. Look into my profile for that blog!) I'm so excited... 6 months with absolutely nothing familiar except my Savior. Looking forward to the victories and struggles that are coming in that period of my life... it should be a very "growing" stage for me.
Um... so my best friend has been in Atlanta for the past couple weeks and I miss him so much.
:( I hate being away from him. This boy is pretty much the most amazing blessing in my life right now and I hate leaving him! Then I have to do it again for 6 months... Long distance relationship. I think that might be one of the hardest things I have to deal with while being away at YWAM. He's in the Air Force though, so I guess we just have to get used to it eh? We have to be patient and view this time as "practice" for our relationship... and embrace it as so.
God is teaching me a lot about myself. Some of its been very painful to face, some of it is really humbling. But I'm growing through it. And won't stop. But those topics call for another post... on another day. After a little more refining has taken place in my heart.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
::: Peace-needy:::
I think it has just about everything to do with worry.
I hate worry. And doubt.
I wish I would just free myself from those things forever and live in this perfect, secure utopia... you always know whats up, whats down, and you never worry about those solid secure things in life ever changing and in turn, messing up that perfect, security.
Every decision you make in life is a risk. Some risks are so worth taking. Others aren't as much and leave you a very broken person. The risks worth taking might not even be considered risks at all if you come at them from the angle of fear, doubt, and worry. Constantly watching your every step and every move. Constantly "guarding your heart."
Honestly sometimes I hate that term.
I hate worry. And doubt.
I wish I would just free myself from those things forever and live in this perfect, secure utopia... you always know whats up, whats down, and you never worry about those solid secure things in life ever changing and in turn, messing up that perfect, security.
Every decision you make in life is a risk. Some risks are so worth taking. Others aren't as much and leave you a very broken person. The risks worth taking might not even be considered risks at all if you come at them from the angle of fear, doubt, and worry. Constantly watching your every step and every move. Constantly "guarding your heart."
Honestly sometimes I hate that term.
But right now I must go... and resolve this issue later. I leave you with this though:
God is good. No amount of worry, stress, risk, will ever change the fact that He is in control. Jesus offers peace... not like the type of peace that the world gives... but supernatural, REAL, TRUE, peace that only can come from Him and that will leave you statisfied and in awe. Search it out. And know.
Friday, July 11, 2008
::In every season::
"All of my life,
in every season
You are still God!
I have a reason to sing.
I have a reason to worship!
I will bring praise, I will bring praise!!
No weapon formed against me shall remain!
I will rejoice, I will declare,
God is my victory and He is here."
THESE are the lyrics I've had in my head all day. Since watching my dear friend Jill McCloghry gave her testimony about one of the toughest times in her life, and then watching her STILL record the "Desert Song" on Hillsong United's newest album, I've been humbled and so grateful. Watch this:
Amazing no? It in a sense.... brought me back.
:)
I've been wading in this water of complete complacency lately. Not boredom, necessarily, but not "fired up" either. Just.... blah.
But it's been a GOOD blah in a sense...
(Ok I'm REALLY not starting to make any sense right now... let me try to explain.)
You know that time in your life when you're not really SUPER HUNGRY, but you still love Him and desire Him? You're just, complacent. Not striving, running after Him, seeking Him with your whole heart, but definitely still loving Him and keeping Him in a "close friend" range? (That is, talking to Him every once in a while, remembering Him, and still singing to Him whenever a worship song comes on your ipod.)
That's where I've been with God. Which, honestly, isn't at all where I want to be.
But the thing is that it's hard to REALLY seek after God, still always hungering and striving after Him, when everything in your life is going AMAZING!!
Stuff with family... altho a little tougher in June, has recently been awesome with parents working out a lot of issues. Granted, it's not perfect, (hello it never will be,) but it's definitely been a LOT better. Praise Jesus!
Things with friends has also been a lot better. It's so hard to have people in your life and you care SO much about, feel like you are too busy to give a crap about them. I think that's how my friends have been feeling recently because I really am so busy with work, it's easy to put them on the back-burner. But, that's not at ALL how I want important people in my life to feel. I love these girls, so so much, my friends mean so much to me and are such treasures in my life. I love them SO much and want them to know and feel how much I love them. So... I've been making more of an effort, putting aside more time to be with them and it's been awesome!!
ON TOP of all these amazing things... I've recently started dating this guy. (We'll call him Billy.) :) He's.... *sigh*..... amazing to say the least. He's made me so happy and really blessed my life. He pursued me (relentlessly.... and we all know how I feel about that. *wink*) from the beginning of our relationship, and has really been the leader of it ever since. He is constantly reminding me of how much he cares about me, and always makes me feel special. (SO SO special!) We have the most AMAZING time together, we could be driving in a car, taking a walk, or having a nice 2.5 hour conversation over chick-fil-a and have so much fun together just talking and being sarcastic. We just have fun! He's awesome. He swept me off my feet and I wanna keep him. :)
SO ya. Life's been awesome. I'm so happy. But I'm glad to be back. I have to continually learn to pursue the Lord actively.... whether I'm in a tough, needy point in my life, or on the top of the world!!
He's the most faithful, consistent person in my life.
Through every blessing I've received, He's the only one that stays.
Everything I am, and everything I wanna be, is to and through and for Him alone.
He's my rock.
He's my first love. I always want Him to sit and reign on the throne of my heart... regardless of how many extra people I let into it. :)
I want to constantly yield my life to Him, please Him in EVERYTHING I do, and never let my standard fall away from all He's called me to be.
Yes, I love being at needy points in my life, (to an extent of course.) I love being broken and SO in desperate need of Him. But at the same time... I love being happy!
But the thing is that in the happy times, when so many things are going right and it's easy to, not forget, but kinda put God on the back-burner.... its in THOSE times that I want to seek His face even more diligently.
The highs and lows.... the ups and downs.... the happy and sad.... He's still reigning on the throne forever and I still want Him to be on the throne of my heart forever and ever.
All of my life,
in every season,
You are still God!
I have a reason to sing.
I have a reason to worship!
Needless to say... I'm SO looking forward to worshipping Him at theMill tonight. :)
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